Things I Learn From My Patients

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A story I got from a ER physician I was shadowing:
When its time to trim the hedge, don't use your push mower if you don't have a hedge trimmer. Oh, don't pick it up around the edge of the guard either, you will cut of the ends of all your fingers.
The crazy thing is that a short while later another patient presented with the tops of all his fingers cut off too. His story? He had been driving home and saw this guy using his mower to trim his hedge and thought it was a great idea.
Honestly, you can't make this stuff up.
 
I really want to make a manscaping joke here about trimming the hedges but I'll let you come up with your own.
 
I haven't been here in forever, but I remembered you all, and had to share something I learned in Urgent Care.

If you are upset because your Little Precious (who is a strapping young man of seventeen) hasn't been seen yet to diagnose his sniffles, by all means, stand and beat on the door to the exam area, and when it is opened, grab your Little Precious and barrel on in. The nurses just love people who do that. Really.

And when you barrel in, do continue on to shove the person who has her arm in a blood pressure cuff, that is tightening, out of the seat she's sitting in while the nurse takes her vitals. Oh yes, that doesn't hurt at ALL. The patient who has thus had her arm feeling as though a boa constrictor has been wrapped around it won't want to administer a beating to you at all. No way!

And upon being escorted to the waiting room by security, by all means threaten to sue, when you have egregiously violated other peoples' privacy, and assaulted someone else to boot. That's gonna win you some major awesome points.
 
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Kittenmommy said:
Can't you have people kicked out for behaving like that? I mean, it's an ER, not a free-for-all! 😱
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It was just Urgent Care, and security escorted Mom out after all that.

And, I was the patient in the blood pressure cuff. Little Precious helped me get up off the floor, and ripped the cuff off me, he was so embarrassed by his godawful mother!

I was entertaining thoughts of homicide concerning his mother. I can just imagine what HE was thinking!
 
Found this today on FMyLife.com:

"Today, I tried to wash my cat in the shower, naked myself as it seemed convenient. He disapproved, proceeding to scratch my manparts and nicking a vein. I just got back from the hospital with a blood infection, swollen manparts, and an 8" needle hole in my butt where I had to get antibiotics."

This man obviously has never tried to wash a cat before! I can only imagine what the ER docs were thinking when he came in... 😀
 
Don't come to the ER, dead, as a result of a head injury from a motorcycle accident where you were wearing a "skull cap" helmet with a prominent, now mangled, sticker on the back that reads "Helmet Laws SUCK!"
 
Hello. I'm not involved in the medical field at all, but I have a lot of respect for those who are. I found a link to this forum about a month ago on a comedy website and I've been reading through it ever since. It's been very enlightening and entertaining, what can I say, haha.

That being said, I'd like to contribute my own two cents. I didn't experience these first-hand, but have heard them from various people in my family.

1. If you're a woman in your late sixties and have... somehow... gotten a tick in your nether regions, the best and LEAST AWKWARD way to go about removing it is to show up at your son-in-law's dermatology office and ask him to personally pluck it out for you.
(That poor guy...) :scared:

A friend of my mom's worked in urology and in the ER, so these next two are from her.

2. (I think someone in this thread had a story very similar to this already, but...) Go ahead and stick your junk down the neck of a plastic soda bottle. Then when it swells up and you can't get it out, wear a bright orange snowmobiling suit to the ER to try and hide the bottle. This will definitely not make you look any more ridiculous on a hot day in the middle of July.

3. Always remember to remove the zucchini you have taped to your inner thigh 🙂confused🙂 before winding up unconscious in the ER. Otherwise, the medical professionals will be quite surprised when they have to cut off your pants.
 
Oh wow, my brother has had some experiences!

He's a corrections officer, and he's transported prisoners to the hospital before.

Apparently, if you are cuffed to a gurney, and are somewhat at the mercy of the person who has transported you, not to mention the doctors, it's a real good idea to try to assault the nurse leaning over to take your blood pressure. Yes, even cuffed to a gurney, the dude tried to assault the nurse. The way my brother described it, it went from him being compliant to trying to head butt the poor woman the instant she leaned over.

And, after doing that, when you are being restrained further, it's a great idea to start spitting on everybody as well as screaming about how your rights are being violated. Sure they are. Because it's certainly your right to assault people with your head or saliva, while they're trying to treat you.

Oh yeah, and when the doctor is removing the foreign object you have inserted someplace unspeakable, that's the time to start yelling about how the doctor is trying to kill you. The doctor really appreciates that.

Corrections - a job I don't want, and I'm working towards being a middle school teacher!
 
That it's not a good idea to attempt to rob a pawn shop that also sells guns. Who knew? :shrug:
 
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I'll assume that's along the same principal as not floating next to the exhaust of a houseboat with a running motor for hours?
 
rhan101277 said:
It would be nice if the agencies, physicians etc. that control our protocols, would change them to let paramedics treat and release certain minor issues such as this. Also things like abrasions, small cuts etc. Once someone calls us we have to take them to the hospital unless they sign a refusal form, no matter how silly. If we don't we can get sued for abandonment and mal-practice.

Some people just like to not have to wait in the waiting room. ER physicians should make them go to triage though.
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Murphy's law, if a patient says they want to go the ED and you say no, they will die and their brother will be a lawyer. Once you get some experience as a medic you can often Jedi Mind Trick them into a refusal. "You should definitaly get that checked out, it is up to you how you want to do that. We can bring you to the ED, you can get a ride with x family member here, or you can go see your PMD. But (if true) you will probably been seen in about the same amount of time however you get there." It also helps when you work in a area where people get charged for the ambulance ride, cuz you can throw in the "we're happy to take you but it'd be much cheaper for you to get a ride with your friend here."

Note the patient still signs a refusal, and you have at no time refused to take them. But often if they are reasonable and it's something super minor you get get them to refuse.

And at most EDs if the patient comes in with true crap complaint the nurse who meets the ambulance will have the patient walk over and sit in triage. They don't get to cut the line just because they have had toe pain for a year.
 
Depakote said:
If it is 445am and you are standing outside the ED in your hospital gown, go ahead and assume the coat and scrubs mean I'm not going to give you a cigarette as I walk into the hospital.
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My white coat has a lot of handy stuff in it, but I don't carry a lighter or matches on me. If I'm cutting through the lobby of the hospital and you ask me to walk you to the ED exit (because the nurse told you people smoke out there and you got lost looking for a light), I'm going to point you down the right hallway and excuse myself... sorry, lady.

I must look like a smoker... 🙁
 
From a friend of mine, and her experience in the ER a couple of weeks ago:

It is absolutely reasonable, when denied narcotics due to faking your symptoms, to whip out a switchblade and threaten the staff. And then get pissed off because you are flung to the ground and handcuffed.

I don't know how often this happens, but Jesus Christ....I don't think I'd want to be a patient when that happens!
 
Some of the side discussions and posts from the patient perspective are changing the intended focus of this thread. The EM mods have discussed this and consequently we are going to move the posts which are not in line with the thread's original intent to a seperate thread, called "Things I learn discussion thread". We hope everyone enjoys both threads going forward.

LINK to "Things I learn discussion thread": http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?t=666198
 
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If you've just been released from hospital (post lap choli) with instructions to eat a clear fluid diet for the next day, followed by light foods, do stop on the 2 hour drive home to your remote northern community and have a ham sandwich, chowder and a slice of apple pie. Then report to your local emerg with abdominal pain.
M
 
If you happen to come across unseemly pictures of your wife with another man while browsing the contents of your computer, by all means proceed to shoot yourself in the abdomen to get sympathy.

Also, if your husband shoots himself in the abdomen to get your attention, please continually pester the surgeons who removed portions of his small bowel regarding when you can take him "home" and insist that they only want to send him to inpatient psychiatric treatment because they are greedy bastards who want to ruin his life.
 
Things a Schizophrenic taught me...

It is a perfectly good idea to inject speed...directly into your eyeball.

It also makes perfect sense to inject Vegemite into the back of your hand, because somebody told you speed cut with Vitamin B gives you a rush. (poor guy had spent his last $2 on a brand new jar of Vegemite).

If your hand then begins to hurt after injecting said Vegmite, it is perfectly reasonable to then go ahead and inject Panadol into your foot.

If you run out of Marijuana, injecting bong water is a perfectly acceptable subsitute.

Yes you probably are Psychotic if you've just informed me that you're the head of the Mafia, as well as the reincarnation of Jesus Christ annointed by the Pope himself, who has been given all the powers of the Anti-Christ, and that's why you can never enter a Catholic Church, because you know too much and they'd have to kill you. All the while pacing frantically up and down, whilst gesticulating wildly. And of course I absolutely believe that you own a Ferrari that changes colours depending on how fast you're going.
 
Ceke2002 said:
Things a Schizophrenic taught me...

It is a perfectly good idea to inject speed...directly into your eyeball.

It also makes perfect sense to inject Vegemite into the back of your hand, because somebody told you speed cut with Vitamin B gives you a rush. (poor guy had spent his last $2 on a brand new jar of Vegemite).

If your hand then begins to hurt after injecting said Vegmite, it is perfectly reasonable to then go ahead and inject Panadol into your foot.

If you run out of Marijuana, injecting bong water is a perfectly acceptable subsitute.

Yes you probably are Psychotic if you've just informed me that you're the head of the Mafia, as well as the reincarnation of Jesus Christ annointed by the Pope himself, who has been given all the powers of the Anti-Christ, and that's why you can never enter a Catholic Church, because you know too much and they'd have to kill you. All the while pacing frantically up and down, whilst gesticulating wildly. And of course I absolutely believe that you own a Ferrari that changes colours depending on how fast you're going.
Click to expand...


Now THAT is cool.
 
Ceke2002 said:
Things a Schizophrenic taught me...

It is a perfectly good idea to inject speed...directly into your eyeball.

It also makes perfect sense to inject Vegemite into the back of your hand, because somebody told you speed cut with Vitamin B gives you a rush. (poor guy had spent his last $2 on a brand new jar of Vegemite).

If your hand then begins to hurt after injecting said Vegmite, it is perfectly reasonable to then go ahead and inject Panadol into your foot.

If you run out of Marijuana, injecting bong water is a perfectly acceptable subsitute.

Yes you probably are Psychotic if you've just informed me that you're the head of the Mafia, as well as the reincarnation of Jesus Christ annointed by the Pope himself, who has been given all the powers of the Anti-Christ, and that's why you can never enter a Catholic Church, because you know too much and they'd have to kill you. All the while pacing frantically up and down, whilst gesticulating wildly. And of course I absolutely believe that you own a Ferrari that changes colours depending on how fast you're going.
Click to expand...

*slow blink* 😱

But the Ferrari sounds SO COOL! :laugh:
 
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While lying in the trauma bay after a car crash and the physician is attempting to sew your scalp back to your head (>12cm laceration so deep you can see the skull underneath) it is a good idea to yell that you need to use the bathroom and not give us a chance to let you use a urinal so that you can stand up beside the bed, vomit on the floor, turn around and piss on your bed, then lie down in your own urine with the added benefit of breaking your physician's sterile field.

Seatbelts people...seatbelts
 
Hey folks,
I've gotta say, I love this thread. It's taken me awhile but I've read the whole thing and I think I have some contributions. (More all the time!) I'm a patient transporter, so not necessarily 100% in the ED, but I've learned some interesting things nonetheless.

I was sent to the children's hospital to pick up a 9 y.o. boy who, without missing a beat, asked to "ride the stretcher like a surfboard" and then, despite the best efforts of his mother and myself proceeded to attempt to, then figuree out how to put the sides of the stretcher down and started monkeying with those while his mother said "Sweety, don't do that..." but didn't even try to stop him. I figured it would be futile anyway; the kid could be likened to the energizer bunny on crack.:scared:
I was new, so I didn't know what unit (B5) was. When we get there, the bold letters above the door spelling "PEDS SEDATION" were a message of salvation.
Mom and I looked at each other and smiled.
"I think this is the place." I said.
"Thank GOD." :laugh: I hope Mom got some rest after Jr. got his shot of somethin' good.

If you're in your late 60s, have some apparent dementia, and have just had a pretty radical back surgery done by a surgeon who is well known for being very talented, it's perfectly acceptable to not take care of your surgical dressings and not allow your wife to, either. When you wake up one morning and cannot get up despite having been out and about "the day before" feel free to call EMS. When you get to the ED and explain you've seen your doc "a couple days ago and were fine" we will have doubts. Further, when your transporter takes you for a CT, it's TOTALLY acceptable to fight with her and the CT techs when they're trying to get you onto the table because now your dementia is kicking in high gear and/or you are pretending not to understand that you need to get onto the "couch" for the CT. You're making it kind of apparent that if anything "hurt" at all, you wouldn't do it and wouldn't let your wife do it, either. This includes all cleaning and/or maintenance of said surgical site.
The CT will show a 'hole' of abscess and necrotic tissue around said vertebrae. Even more charming is the wet spot left on my stretcher that wasn't any of the usual bodily fluids. It's going to trouble your transporter that you're leaking that much pus on her stretcher. Transferring you back to the stretcher we'll get a sneak peek at that hole in person, and it'll be every bit as horrible as it was in the CT.:scared:

Of course all of this will be *my* fault because *I* had to take you to CT and hit "all those bumps" in the hallway.

...and of course I will be the transporter to take you to your room on the neural ward. Your wife will try to laugh it off when you attempt to sit up and point at her saying "She's that bitch! Sadist!" Oh no, Sir, choosing to deal with you again is masochism at its finest. 🙄

If you're a dreadlocked rasta dude whose friends are visiting you and everyone smells pretty strongly of pot in the room, it really isn't ok to offer me some "kind bud" for being so gentle with you and your traction equipment. It's even less ok to try to sneak it into my patient info binder. I don't *keep* those things, you know. 🙄😛

If I'm harried and running a huge box marked "Human Blood" to the ED "STAT" DO NOT have all your kids swamp me and start asking questions about blood and stuff, mm'kay?

I don't care how long you've been NPO, we are NOT stopping for coffee.

I was taking a young man for pelvis X-rays. I just knew he had multiple pelvic fx so I was taking it easy on him. Once we get down to radiology, he looks at me in this sort of morphine induced sincerity and says "I just want you to know, "that" (he points at the sizeable hardware tent in his sheets) is just external fixations... uhhhh I'm not *that* uhhhh happy to see you.... but you are really, really, really pretty."
😳😛I knew about the ex. fixations, and hadn't 'noticed' at all, but I thanked him for the compliment anyway. 🙄
 
Kitsune said:
If you're in your late 60s, have some apparent dementia, and have just had a pretty radical back surgery done by a surgeon who is well known for being very talented, it's perfectly acceptable to not take care of your surgical dressings and not allow your wife to, either. When you wake up one morning and cannot get up despite having been out and about "the day before" feel free to call EMS. When you get to the ED and explain you've seen your doc "a couple days ago and were fine" we will have doubts. Further, when your transporter takes you for a CT, it's TOTALLY acceptable to fight with her and the CT techs when they're trying to get you onto the table because now your dementia is kicking in high gear and/or you are pretending not to understand that you need to get onto the "couch" for the CT. You're making it kind of apparent that if anything "hurt" at all, you wouldn't do it and wouldn't let your wife do it, either. This includes all cleaning and/or maintenance of said surgical site.
The CT will show a 'hole' of abscess and necrotic tissue around said vertebrae. Even more charming is the wet spot left on my stretcher that wasn't any of the usual bodily fluids. It's going to trouble your transporter that you're leaking that much pus on her stretcher. Transferring you back to the stretcher we'll get a sneak peek at that hole in person, and it'll be every bit as horrible as it was in the CT.:scared:

Of course all of this will be *my* fault because *I* had to take you to CT and hit "all those bumps" in the hallway.

...and of course I will be the transporter to take you to your room on the neural ward. Your wife will try to laugh it off when you attempt to sit up and point at her saying "She's that bitch! Sadist!" Oh no, Sir, choosing to deal with you again is masochism at its finest. 🙄
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I'm sure your patient was difficult, but try to understand that dementia (plus possible delirium), wound infection with a fistula and pain can all affect a patient's mental state and none of those conditions are particularly pleasant. They're nothing he chose to have or inflicted upon himself. If you want to work in medicine, you'll have to deal with sick people who don't like being sick and sometimes take it out on you.
 
Kitsune said:
I was taking a young man for pelvis X-rays. I just knew he had multiple pelvic fx so I was taking it easy on him. Once we get down to radiology, he looks at me in this sort of morphine induced sincerity and says "I just want you to know, "that" (he points at the sizeable hardware tent in his sheets) is just external fixations... uhhhh I'm not *that* uhhhh happy to see you.... but you are really, really, really pretty."
😳😛I knew about the ex. fixations, and hadn't 'noticed' at all, but I thanked him for the compliment anyway. 🙄
Click to expand...

Don't you love those weird/inappropriate hospital compliments... When I was an intern, I'd get these little old ladies tell me (usually during my physical exam) that I look like someone famous back in their days (I think I got Frank Sinatra a few times). I usually brushed off the "compliment" and would continue asking them questions and/or finish with the exam. This would not stop them as they'd usually ask me if I'm married or have a girlfriend and would start telling me how pretty their granddaughter is.
 
Depakote said:
If you want to work in medicine, you'll have to deal with sick people who don't like being sick and sometimes take it out on you.
Click to expand...

Doesn't mean he has to like it and can't joke about it to make it easier to deal with. Keep Burnett's Law to pre-allo lol 🙂
 
H1N1 = great study-buddy, I've finally read this all and am spending a lot of time with my EMT book also!

OK .... If you are visiting a lovely seaside hippy town and see two homeless folks fighting over heroin in the public bathroom, DON'T intervene. You two good Samaritans will end up stabbed/cut with knives and the homeless, still at large and probably will never be caught, will merely get some excitement in their lives and something to brag about. When in doubt, don't feed or annoy the animals and for that matter, avoid the public "loo" just use the one in the book store or pop $1.50 for a coffee and use a coffee house one mmmKay? I saw this incident after there were a ton of police/fire/EMS vehicles/personnel involved, and all I can say as far as personal connection is, the victims is, they were taken to the hospital my EMT school is right next to.

Of course years ago I got between two dogs fighting and have the scars to remember it by. When certain living "isms" as Dale Gribble would put it, want to fight, better to stay out of it.
 
fyourcouch said:
Me: Why do you drink so much?

Patient: Because my mouth opens
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That sounds like an acquaintance mine, R-, who is the first real alcoholic I was in close proximity to, kinda fascinating in a morbid way - the shakes, the doing things with NO recollection, the passing-out, the guy saying his LIVER hurt, can a person normally even feel their liver? He has a GF who lives on cigarettes and vodka, kinda like Dale Gribble except Dale lives on cigarettes and beer, and is an animated TV character. Between the two of them life is a constant whirl of 911 calls, cars left all over town that have to be hunted down, minor cuts and injuries that turn into night-long fiascos visiting the ER. It's a Leaving Las Vegas life without any travel.

They're in the process of descending into the homeless community, where the drinking and siezures etc. ("I knew I was in a laundromat as the EMTs took me away because all I saw was washers and dryers") get even more dramatic and happen more often.

I can tell as an EMT I should not worry about being out of work!
 
Me: … you injected yourself with what?

14 y/o girl: WD40. I will make you hallucinate, but only if you do it just right.

Me: Well did it work?

14 y/o girl: No, next time I have to go deeper
 
Kubed said:
Me: … you injected yourself with what?

14 y/o girl: WD40. I will make you hallucinate, but only if you do it just right.

Me: Well did it work?

14 y/o girl: No, next time I have to go deeper
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I really don't know how you resist the temptation to say things like, "You know, I hear that rat poison makes you hallucinate if you eat enough of it!"

But then, I'm just mean like that. 😎
 
i learned from a patient recently that johnny carson is starting is own harem and was raping everyone in her apartment and wanted her to be part of it but she refused. Because of this ol johnny infected her with drugs to kill her sex drive. she also claims she got syphillis from her apartment. she had called ems for a really big blister on her foot that reallly hurt
 
73yo ESRD admitted for HD access... discharged home without event after a permcath. Complained of constipation the day she left and was given senna and lactulose...

Came back to the ED with CC of diarrhea. Go figure.
 
error404 said:
73yo ESRD admitted for HD access... discharged home without event after a permcath. Complained of constipation the day she left and was given senna and lactulose...

Came back to the ED with CC of diarrhea. Go figure.
Click to expand...

Most likely even if you tell them that the senna and lactulose will lead to diarrhea, the patient will still come back into the ED CC of diarrhea. These type of pts annoy me as they don't listen and then complain and get angry when we don't take their complaints as seriously as they feel like we should.
 
dmitrinyr said:
Most likely even if you tell them that the senna and lactulose will lead to diarrhea, the patient will still come back into the ED CC of diarrhea. These type of pts annoy me as they don't listen and then complain and get angry when we don't take their complaints as seriously as they feel like we should.
Click to expand...
And she was probably directed to the ER by an "advice nurse."
 
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docB said:
And she was probably directed to the ER by an "advice nurse."
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Ding!

Probably the same advice nurse who sent the "9 years of chronic foot pain that hasn't changed and must be seen TODAY" to my emergency clinic a week ago...

Oh, and if your chronic foot pain started the first time you saw your father's grave and he used to hit you in the foot, it might be psychosomatic.
 
If you're in active labor and you decide that you need to have a BM, you're probably going to deliver your baby into the toilet instead of into the hands of your doctor. 👍
 
If you come in to the ED and I ask what meds you take, "Episcopalian" isn't an answer.

Or at least I naively thought so. He uses scopolamine.
 
I am actually a hospital social worker, so while I'm familiar with the ER, that mostly extends to when you lovely people need me to handle the annoying aspect of "people are ****ing idiots, and unfortunately they have children and/or personal rights" 😉

However, as the emts see it... for every flight of stairs the patient will gain fifty pounds, and then said patient (in a pain-induced delirium) will complain loudly that they "had to bring every ****ing attractive man on your service DIDN'T YOU?" while they help her slide down a backboard down the stairs. (Same patient managed to dislocate her patella trying to sit on slippery futon... go figure)

And a fifteen year old girl WILL try to stab her 6'5 cop father with a kitchen knife, and there WILL be a ton of questions when he comes to the ER with a knife wound to the upper arm and she has a twisted elbow from being disarmed! And the 90 lbs little girl will be the one that needs four point restraints!
 
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