Things I Learn From My Patients

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ERMudPhud said:
If it is late at night and you are hungry, the old chinese food and hunk of cheese that have been floating in a pool of fish blood at the bottom of a cooler full of fish and bait in the sun all day are a bad choice. The amount of projectile vomiting will be impressive.
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😱 Okay... Ewwwww {{*hack*}}
 
if you are 15 years old, high on xanax, beer, and vodka, and just got your ass kicked by your older brother, make sure to definitely steal your neighbor's car, and to fall out of the car mid-theft, somehow running yourself over and pinning yourself under the very same car you were stealing. furthermore, when the police arrive, make sure to attempt to flee so you can get tackled really hard onto the ground.
and finally, while laying in the hospital bed, keep harassing the nurses to release you from the hospital so you can go to jail because you really want to smoke a cigarette.

p.s. be sure to constantly remind the cop what a stupid pig he is and how he should be busting real criminals.

p.p.s. tell the cop once more what a pig he is.
 
If you decide to go on a cross-country motorcycle tour to celebrate the fact that you're now a 79 year old grandma, don't be upset that the emergency doc thinks it would be inappropriate management to "just splint your arm so you can continue your trip" after you lay the bike down at high speed.
 
When your 12 year old son with fatal injuries is transferred to the regional trauma center by helicopter after stablilization at a podunk ER including a cric, bilateral chest tubes, pericardiocentesis, pacemaker, IV fluids, blood, and 3 pressors, and compressions numerous times en route don't be upset because "everything wasn't done for him."
 
darin said:
if you are 15 years old, high on xanax, beer, and vodka, and just got your ass kicked by your older brother, make sure to definitely steal your neighbor's car, and to fall out of the car mid-theft, somehow running yourself over and pinning yourself under the very same car you were stealing. furthermore, when the police arrive, make sure to attempt to flee so you can get tackled really hard onto the ground.
and finally, while laying in the hospital bed, keep harassing the nurses to release you from the hospital so you can go to jail because you really want to smoke a cigarette.

p.s. be sure to constantly remind the cop what a stupid pig he is and how he should be busting real criminals.

p.p.s. tell the cop once more what a pig he is.
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Raise your hand if you've ever begged a cop to make sure that your patient doesn't break the skin when he slips on a bar of soap in the shower later.
 
A few more things I learned, in the field of course.

1) If you have been sitting on your leg for more than an hour watching TV and it feels like pins and needles, you are having a massive stroke and need to call EMS right away

2) If you have a burning sensation under your fingernails at 3am because you were applying Ben Gay and got some under the cuticle, by all means wakeup the crew in the middle of a snow storm in January

3) Call EMS for a possible broken leg only if the North East is experiencing its worse blizzard in more than 10 years and only if this coincides with the injury happening 2 days before, when the weather was fine.

4) Only chop down a 30 foot tree with a 3 foot diameter trunk at 9pm, in the pitch black, 100 yards from the entrance to your yard. Then when the chain on the chain saw (oh, you MUST use a chain saw) breaks because you were not cutting correctly, replace the chain and do it again. On that note, when you get out of the hospital minus 1 leg, please sue the squad because it took 2 minutes to get to you from the time you called 9-1-1

5) Don't you know that after a night of drinking and causing an accident and you reek of alcohol that you only had ONE drink.

6) If you need to get your drugs, by all means call EMS on a daily basis to drive you to the hospital so you can leave, while the crew is walking you to the ER, to meet your dealer.

7) If you get hurt and 90% of your family is there, no one with medical training, they will ALWAYS know what to do and tell me to do it because that it how they do it on the soaps.

8) If you are trying to fake a seizure, moving your hand from the metal bar of the sretcher to the cushion of the bench chair might give you away.

9) If you are drunk and pretend not to breath and clench your teeth as I try to put in an oralpharyngeal airway. Guess what, you are getting a nasal airway without the lube. See how quickly you will get better.

10) Spitting in the EMT's face and exposing him to your blood will make him take care of you even better than before because now you commanded his respect.

11) If you are high, telling the cops and the EMS crew that you want to "suck their ***k so badly" may not get you more than a laugh.

You CANNOT make this stuff up.
 
Desperado said:
If you decide to go on a cross-country motorcycle tour to celebrate the fact that you're now a 79 year old grandma, don't be upset that the emergency doc thinks it would be inappropriate management to "just splint your arm so you can continue your trip" after you lay the bike down at high speed.
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That's one tough old broad! 😱
 
If you are a 70 yo F who has called 911 and come to the ER by ambulance at 2am because you can't sleep and I ask you who your PMD is please don't expect me to be impressed by your hilarious wit because you refer to your Arab doctor as "Osama Bin Laden's son." Furthurmore, you'll get a very curt answer when you ask, "Emergency Medicine? Doesn't that mean you're interning?"
 
here's one from accross the pond...

An unconscious 30-year-old man was brought to the ER by ambulance. His girlfriend had found him lying naked on the floor of his bathroom and called 911. In the ER, he was found to have a large lump on the top of his head and, strangely, several scratches on his scrotum. The doctors figured the lump was possibly caused by a fall or a knock to the head. However the source of the scratches remained a mystery until he woke up and provided the doctors with the following explanation. He said he had been cleaning his bathtub while naked, kneeling on the floor beside the tub. His cat, apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his scrotum, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this pendulous target. This caused the man to rocket upward, striking his head on the top frame of the shower door.
 
If you come to the ED with a breast lump and I examine you and tell you that it could indeed be CA please don't yell at me and scream "But I came here for you to tell me it ISN'T cancer!" When I refer you to a PMD don't say "You mean you're not going to do ANYTHING?" My answer will be "No."




Ryan said:
here's one from accross the pond...

An unconscious 30-year-old man was brought to the ER by ambulance. His girlfriend had found him lying naked on the floor of his bathroom and called 911. In the ER, he was found to have a large lump on the top of his head and, strangely, several scratches on his scrotum. The doctors figured the lump was possibly caused by a fall or a knock to the head. However the source of the scratches remained a mystery until he woke up and provided the doctors with the following explanation. He said he had been cleaning his bathtub while naked, kneeling on the floor beside the tub. His cat, apparently transfixed by the rhythmic swaying of his scrotum, lunged forward, sinking its claws into this pendulous target. This caused the man to rocket upward, striking his head on the top frame of the shower door.
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I doubt that my meticulous exam would have revealed scrotal scratches.
 
docB said:
If you come to the ED with a breast lump and I examine you and tell you that it could indeed be CA please don't yell at me and scream "But I came here for you to tell me it ISN'T cancer!" When I refer you to a PMD don't say "You mean you're not going to do ANYTHING?" My answer will be "No."

What did she expect you to do? "Hold on honey, let me dig that out for ya and send you on your way."

When she asked you if you were going to do anything you should have reached over and gave her a hug. DocB is going to put PMD's out of business.
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Patients always think that they are dying... 😉

4 year old with a compound arm fracture around 8 pm. Usually breaks go thru convience care, but the break was pretty bad and it was going to be set my a surgeon (who wasn't coming in until the morning). As they tried splint it for the night she screams "I don't want to die" The people in the waiting room could hear her. It was very cute and endearing. 😛 Sometimes when the patient thinks her problem is bigger than it really is, its ok and not annoying.
 
docB said:
If you come to the ED with a breast lump and I examine you and tell you that it could indeed be CA please don't yell at me and scream "But I came here for you to tell me it ISN'T cancer!" When I refer you to a PMD don't say "You mean you're not going to do ANYTHING?" My answer will be "No."
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"Do anything? Well, hold on a minute. Lemme see if I can remember where I put that dirty spork...."
 
If you are 17 and very drunk and are brought to the ER with a face that looks like hamburger and an upper lip that needs to be put back together, please just say you got into a fight. We would prefer not to know that someone bet you $20 that you couldn't punch yourself unconscious (and you won).
 
citygirl said:
If you are 17 and very drunk and are brought to the ER with a face that looks like hamburger and an upper lip that needs to be put back together, please just say you got into a fight. We would prefer not to know that someone bet you $20 that you couldn't punch yourself unconscious (and you won).
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Cool! If the ED visit cost him less than $20 then he made money.
 
I picked up these pearls the other day.

1. If you are 3 years old, and don't want your brother to have the pretty bead you're playing with, the best place to put it is up your nose.

2. If you are the parents of said 3 year old with said bead up said nose, and you go to the outlying ED to have it removed, and the doc there can't get it, it is absolutely OK to wait 6 days before going to the Children's hospital ED.

3. If you are the ENT resident called down to remove said bead that has been up said nose for said 6 days, there is absolutely no better instrument to use than an unfolded paper clip.

That resident was slick.
 
NateatUC said:
I picked up these pearls the other day.

1. If you are 3 years old, and don't want your brother to have the pretty bead you're playing with, the best place to put it is up your nose.

2. If you are the parents of said 3 year old with said bead up said nose, and you go to the outlying ED to have it removed, and the doc there can't get it, it is absolutely OK to wait 6 days before going to the Children's hospital ED.

3. If you are the ENT resident called down to remove said bead that has been up said nose for said 6 days, there is absolutely no better instrument to use than an unfolded paper clip.

That resident was slick.
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Had a rock in a 3 year old's nose the other night. Did the "have grandma blow in her mouth really fast while plugging her other nostril" trick? Worked like a charm. They felt pretty sheepish about their $600 bill.
 
Poor baby 🙁

I hope it doesn't make me sick to find this thread both sad and funny :laugh: 🙁
 
After watching your brother, who's acting out the worst seizure I've seen in 6 years, kicks me in the face with his steel toed work boots, by all means, approach me at the ED and ask me why my pt. care sucks. I'll appreciate your constructive criticism, and will explain to you in terms you'll definately understand, exactly why he'll leave the hospital in worse shape than when he arrived. Just keep the ice packs a' comin'. :meanie:

When you, (an overeager male), and your boyfriend make an 'oopsie' with your toy of choice, and lodge (lose) it in a certain orifice, please wait until AFTER we listen to his (still vibrating) bowel sounds to inform us that you just put in new batteries. 😀

When you cut off your penis to show your ex-girlfriend you won't take her dumping you lying down, please tell us where we can locate said appendage BEFORE you try and puke up the answer. 😱 :scared: 👍
 
If you're taking pictures of seasonal plants in the desert (is a cactus seasonal?), don't do crystal meth and fall down and embankment and impale your scrotum and penis on a cactus. It's bad.
 
If You Have Been Pleasuring Yourself For 2 Days Straight And Finally Can't Achieve Your Desired Goal, By All Means Use A Razor Knife To Try To Wake It Up So That You Can Continue......
 
It's so wrong, and so right, that your avatar is in fact a cactus.

It appears to be looking fairly pleased with itself right now, actually.
 
Febrifuge said:
It's so wrong, and so right, that your avatar is in fact a cactus.

It appears to be looking fairly pleased with itself right now, actually.
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Cactus envy?
 
Oetzi1286 said:
When you cut off your penis to show your ex-girlfriend you won't take her dumping you lying down, please tell us where we can locate said appendage BEFORE you try and puke up the answer. 😱 :scared: 👍
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Some people just have this Darwinian thing hardwired in their brains. They realize that they shouldn't breed and they act to ensure that.
 
If you have sex with a girl, and your frat brother tells you right after you come downstairs that she has herpes, pouring bleach all over your privates will not take care of ANY of your problems!
 
pikachu said:
If you have sex with a girl, and your frat brother tells you right after you come downstairs that she has herpes, pouring bleach all over your privates will not take care of ANY of your problems!
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Some people just have this Darwinian thing hardwired in their brains. They realize that they shouldn't breed and they act to ensure that.
 
Oetzi1286 said:
When you cut off your penis to show your ex-girlfriend you won't take her dumping you lying down, please tell us where we can locate said appendage BEFORE you try and puke up the answer. 😱 :scared: 👍
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Oh my...
 
pikachu said:
If you have sex with a girl, and your frat brother tells you right after you come downstairs that she has herpes, pouring bleach all over your privates will not take care of ANY of your problems!
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I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that alcohol was involved with this incident.
 
Heres one from a radiologist. Of course I didn't see the patient, but I saw his x-ray:

If normal masturbation has lost its excitement for you and you need the added stimulation of air injection through a needle inserted in your scrotum 😱 , make sure you turn off the air compressor or take the needle out before air dissects all the way up the fascial planes all the way to your chest. That way, I won't laugh my ass off when I read your chest-x-ray and find out why you have all that sub-Q air.
 
This one goes out to the families of patients:

If you bring your husband/father/brother into the ER because of altered state of conciousness (IE complete unawreness to year/location/president/etc), perhaps you should mention that he had rolled his tractor the day prior. This will help the physician understand the MASSIVE intracranial bleed on the CT.

Doc: Do you have ANY idea what could have happened recently to cause this injury?

Family: Well, now that you mention it, Bill did roll his tractor off of an enbankment yesterday...
 
stoic said:
I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that alcohol was involved with this incident.
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What makes you think that? 🙄
The good news was, he didn't have to go to the salon to get the Paris Hilton pubes dye job...
 
Try to use a liberal interpretation of the term "health problem" when asked if you have any.

Me: Do you have any health problems.
Pt: No.
Pt's wife: He's never been sick a day in his life.
Me: That looks like a heart bypass scar.
Pt: Yes, it is.
Pt's wife: He got that after his diabetes gave him a heart attack. (pause) Nurse! You should come in here right away! The doctor is bashing his face into the floor trying to knock himself unconscious.
 
When you tell the triage nurse that you "need special attention," then proceed to tell me that you "just need a f*cking place to stay," you shouldn't expect any sympathy... at all.
 
Sessamoid said:
When you tell the triage nurse that you "need special attention," then proceed to tell me that you "just need a f*cking place to stay," you shouldn't expect any sympathy... at all.
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Stories like this can drive a young medical student into a family practice residency. Shooting air into the scrotum, Pa rolling the tractor and not telling me, and getting back at a girl by severing your manhood I can take....But a comment like that is just too much for me to take.
 
Young black male with fever, photophobia, malaise and WBC of 1.4

Me: Ever been tested for HIV?

Him: No man, I'm not gay.

Me: (banging head against wall)
 
If you are very drunk snowboarding down the stairs on a cafeteria tray will seem like a good idea right up until the spiral fracture leaves your tib/fib in more than 8 pieces.
 
Drugs are bad, so don't be suprised if your gf overdoses when she doesn't have the tolerance to the cocaine that you do, especially when you have been using for years and she just started (with your help) last week.
 
this thread is hilarious!!! here is another:

asking other patients in the waiting room if you're going to be permanently deaf b/c you stuck something in your ear, heard a "pop" and now it's oozing "weird stuff" isn't going to get you diagnosed/treated/referred any faster. it just pisses off patients.

-S
 
If you;ve had a toothache for a year and won't get the tooth pulled "cuz I ain't gonna look like no goober, i'm only 33" it's important to choose the night of a hurricane to ride your bicycle in to the ED to be seen.
 
Rule:Certain holes are "IN" holes, certain holes are "OUT" holes. Do not mix these up.

Remember just because the newest psychadelic street drug is suppose to help with arousal, this does not mean the your urethra is a good mucous membrane to place it in - male with dysuria and positive UA

p.s. please apply rule to thread with "falling on objects" that end up in rectum
 
If you are a 45 yo F IVDAer and you have skin popped your way to huge, necrotic ulcers on both forearms that are so bad they have exposed bone and osteo FOR GOD'S SAKE, QUIT SHOOTING THERE! If you keep shooting into your ulcers you'll wind up coming in septic.

As a corollary if you are this patient's friend and while I am I&Ding a number of large abscesses on your butt in the next bed you ask "Do you think I could have got these from sharing a needle with her?" my answer will be "Yes."
 
If you are a drug seeker, just keep on coming in every time with new names and dates of birth until receptionist will recognize you and you have 5-6 different charts that are all yours. Then, when confronted by MD that all these people are you and you will need to show your ID before being treated for tooth ache, act very insulted and immediately leave.
 
If you can't get a tampon out, go see a doctor. Don't just put it another one. Nothing like getting 3 super absorbency tampons out of a 16 year old with a 104F fever.

Yes, I think Marvelon could affect your ability to get pregnant...

I don't care what your idiot naturopath said, a huge dose of vitamin c is unlikely to provide the analgesic power of morphine.

Took 8 people to control an army seargent (infantry, combat experience) who didn't like needles very much.
 
docB said:
Try to use a liberal interpretation of the term "health problem" when asked if you have any.

Me: Do you have any health problems.
Pt: No.
Pt's wife: He's never been sick a day in his life.
Me: That looks like a heart bypass scar.
Pt: Yes, it is.
Pt's wife: He got that after his diabetes gave him a heart attack. (pause) Nurse! You should come in here right away! The doctor is bashing his face into the floor trying to knock himself unconscious.
Click to expand...

Oh, so true. So true. I had this happen today. I asked my patient if he had any previous health problems and when he said no, I left it at that. When my attending asked him he suddenly remembered his "high blood," "the Sugar," and problems with his "nature."
 
Panda Bear said:
Oh, so true. So true. I had this happen today. I asked my patient if he had any previous health problems and when he said no, I left it at that. When my attending asked him he suddenly remembered his "high blood," "the Sugar," and problems with his "nature."
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it's even worse with kids.

"has little xxxxx had any health problems?"

"no"

"what's that scar on his neck? and why is he turning blue?"

"oh, he was on ECMO for awhile. . . and he has some kind of heart problem"

"why are his eyes yellow?"

"oh, he has sickle cell"

+pissed+

--your friendly neighborhood likes peds er in spite of the parents caveman
 
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