I don't see anything wrong with asking men to hold off until the female perspective is delivered. I don't see anything wrong in another thread asking women to hold off until the male perspective is delivered.
It's not shutting down communication; it's offering a space for a perspective based on a category, then opening up the discussion.
There is an unfortunate dynamic on this board that seems to confuse the concept of personal responsibility with the language of blame. I am a strong believer in personal responsibility as well as the concept that although certain things are not our fault, we still are responsible to deal with them. However, when someone comes to this board with a genuine concern and the response is blaming, that shuts down discourse. For example, awhile ago someone came here asking for tips on how to navigate a large six figure debt. I understand the horrified reaction from some posters, but piling on with insults is pointless. It's already done. She wasn't considering taking out the six figure debt, she already had it. So why rub salt in the wound? Just give her tips if you have them, and otherwise talk to someone else offline about her choices. And continue on here to advise people who are considering the debt to not do it - while the power of that choice is still theirs.
As for me, I'm a female board certified licensed psychologist in a supervisory position. I'm saying that not to toot my own horn, but to relay why some responses get frustrating to me. I posted a question awhile ago asking colleagues on this board for their language in communicating their unique positions and expertise to colleagues that basically don't understand how we are different than counselors, social workers and so on.
The initial responses I got (from male posters) were along the lines of, well why are you different? Why do you think you'd have anything else to offer your job than a social worker? As if I'd never thought of that. The tone was condescending, the post derailed my question, and it was frustrating. Because I'm not a newbie and I don't want to be talked to like one. As for gender, if Jon Snow had posted that same question, I suspect he would have gotten respectful responses and be spoken to like an equal. Is it entirely based on gender? I don't know. But I do believe that factor is at play to some degree.
Women get messages to shut up all the time. That's just our reality. Words like "hysterical" or "emotional" are used. When I started one of my jobs, I was professional, polite, and competent. When a social worker was hired to work under me, the head of the department described me to him as "Very competent. Emotional, but competent." I had become angry once, when he said he would not provide me a space to work in, saying I'd have to come in early and find out who had called off sick and work in their office for the day, every day. No, I did not scream, I did not cry, I did not threaten. I simply became angry and advised him & someone else in leadership that I would be leaving the position if they could not provide me as a licensed psychologist a space to work. But that was the result of female justified anger. I'm emotional. Of course, the social worker was wary of me for awhile which did not make my job any easier. This is not an isolated incident. Stuff like this has been occurring to me or others my entire career. A psychiatrist using my first name to a patient, and referring to me as a "girl" would be the most recent. It gets frustrating. And when it's mirrored on this forum, I think it takes courage to point it out. For the males who are thinking that this isn't gendered, I'd ask you to try to think of the last time someone called you emotional, hysterical, or a "boy."
That said, yes, it goes too far. People grab power and use it. In my graduate program, one person in particular used categories to justify their (yes this grammatically incorrect but I don't want to reveal too much) standpoint on everything and became the tone police for the entire department while getting away with egregious behavior themselves. It was horrid. There was no discourse after a certain point. Everyone would sit silently in class. It baffled new professors coming in. No one felt comfortable communicating when they were there, so no one did. And no one learned from others' experiences, which was really sad.
That's not happening on this forum. The fact that this thread exists and people feel comfortable responding makes that point. Thank you,
@msgeorgeeliot, for posting it.
