Relationship Center

[Filly Bay]

thank you and I totally agree! SO and I went to one of our friend's wedding today and talked about our relationship more today. He is about ready to propose (he's been asking me what kind of rings I want lately and took me to a jeweler last week to look), but it'll be a surprise (maybe this summer or several months from now he'll ask). Glad we are not the only one's considering a LD relationship/marriage. We both know that if we can get through vet school we can get through anything life throws at us. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding & marriage!

You're definitely not alone! I've been with my SO fro 6 years. 4 of those were long distance (while I was in undergrad). We'll still be long (but not at far as before! ) distance for vet school since he works in my home state (PA) and I'm going to Ohio State. We're recently engaged and planning to get married after my 2nd year of vet school. Most likely our first two years of marriage will be long distance, but we should be pros after 6 years of LDR...I just keep telling myself that its all worth it in the long run for me to get the degree I want while he can work at the job he loves until we can finally live together.

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[adams30]

You're definitely not alone! I've been with my SO fro 6 years. 4 of those were long distance (while I was in undergrad). We'll still be long (but not at far as before! ) distance for vet school since he works in my home state (PA) and I'm going to Ohio State. We're recently engaged and planning to get married after my 2nd year of vet school. Most likely our first two years of marriage will be long distance, but we should be pros after 6 years of LDR...I just keep telling myself that its all worth it in the long run for me to get the degree I want while he can work at the job he loves until we can finally live together.

congrats on getting engaged! We agree too; the long distance will only be temporary and while doing so we are both pursuing our dreams. To us it's totally worth it. Plus there's always vacations and school breaks to be together.

 

[KSU2015]

Bumping this thread after seeing the new thread about where you met you SO. My boyfriend and I just broke up after three years of dating. I go to undergrad 1200 miles away from him so it was mutual and I understand but it still hurts. I am hoping to meet my future hubby in vet school So to everyone who isn't having the easiest time right now I am with you!!

 

[MarxistPreVet]

Re-starting a relationship with a boyfriend from 10 years ago. We're both very different people now, so I'm hoping immaturity and non-communication don't drive us apart again. The chemistry between us is even stronger than when we were teenagers. But, he lives 2.5 hours away now and it's very early days; there's been no talk of commitment or exclusivity. I'm totally crazy for trying this, knowing how little free time I'm going to have come September.

 

[grrrr121]

Just found out that my now ex-bf (we broke up 2 weeks ago) was also seeing his ex the last couple of months we were together. What a douche canoe!

The worst part of the whole thing is that his family and my family have been friends for the last 17 years. Boys are dumb

 

[SV88]

Guy that I was seeing, like even before dating, has suddenly dropped off the map for the most part... SUPER.

 

[MarxistPreVet]

Re-starting a relationship with a boyfriend from 10 years ago....

Things are still going strong 3 months in. We are "officially" exclusive and enjoying each other's company lots (when we see one another, which is about one night a week). It's been lovely so far.

 

[MommaFox]

BF and I submitted an application for a place together today. We live together now, but with a roommate/landlord. Now we will be on our own, and paying a bit more money. FREAKING OUT.

 

[SV88]

Things are still going strong 3 months in. We are "officially" exclusive and enjoying each other's company lots (when we see one another, which is about one night a week). It's been lovely so far.

 

[allieh8607]

Yesterday was my three year anniversary with my boyfriend and I wasn't expecting anything special, with me being in St. Kitts and him in the states. We made plans to cook dinner over skype and chat for a little bit and I would have been perfectly content with that. A mutual friend of ours who is in her 7th semester here had contacted me and told me she had some useful files to drop off and while I was confused about her timing, I just went along with it and was excited to see what she had. Little did I know, my boyfriend had contact her and another mutual friend of ours here on the island to help him out He had one of them buy all my favorite candy and snacks and the other buy some roses that got delivered to student services for me The roses got to me a day late because he didn't take into account "island time" which is super slow but it was such a pleasant surprise! I was hardcore swooning today...he continues to spoil me even from 2000 miles away. Only 48 days until we're reunited.

/sappy post

 

[onisteverina]

So... wanted to get some input. I was talking to my husband (we got married in July and have been together for 5 years before that) about traveling for interviews with me to get a feel for the area. He rather not take a day or two off work, and just have me go by myself. His thought is that he will make do with wherever we move, and that him liking it doesn't make a difference. My thought is that if I am lucky enough to get into school, and even luckier to have options.. than I would like him to see the town/city/whatever in person to help make the best decision. He said that he can base this off of the internet.. Although I appreciate that he is willing to go along with whatever happens, I feel like his input would help me to be confident in any decision I make... He makes it seem like it isn't a big deal, but 4+ years in an area that you hate can be pretty unpleasant. Anyone have any similar experiences or any input on the situation? I obviously don't want to force him to come.. which would also lead to additional stress in an already stressful time, but is there a different angle I should point out that might change his mind?

 

[wildcatj]

So... wanted to get some input. I was talking to my husband (we got married in July and have been together for 5 years before that) about traveling for interviews with me to get a feel for the area. He rather not take a day or two off work, and just have me go by myself. His thought is that he will make do with wherever we move, and that him liking it doesn't make a difference. My thought is that if I am lucky enough to get into school, and even luckier to have options.. than I would like him to see the town/city/whatever in person to help make the best decision. He said that he can base this off of the internet.. Although I appreciate that he is willing to go along with whatever happens, I feel like his input would help me to be confident in any decision I make... He makes it seem like it isn't a big deal, but 4+ years in an area that you hate can be pretty unpleasant. Anyone have any similar experiences or any input on the situation? I obviously don't want to force him to come.. which would also lead to additional stress in an already stressful time, but is there a different angle I should point out that might change his mind?

Did you tell him you might need help making a decision in the end? I mean outside of what is going to be the best place to live. It's nice to have an outside view of things a you're going through and evaluating. I wonder if you make it more about you wanting a second pair of eyes instead of it being about what he's going to want if he'd be more receptive to coming.

 

[lbecktell]

So... wanted to get some input. I was talking to my husband (we got married in July and have been together for 5 years before that) about traveling for interviews with me to get a feel for the area. He rather not take a day or two off work, and just have me go by myself. His thought is that he will make do with wherever we move, and that him liking it doesn't make a difference. My thought is that if I am lucky enough to get into school, and even luckier to have options.. than I would like him to see the town/city/whatever in person to help make the best decision. He said that he can base this off of the internet.. Although I appreciate that he is willing to go along with whatever happens, I feel like his input would help me to be confident in any decision I make... He makes it seem like it isn't a big deal, but 4+ years in an area that you hate can be pretty unpleasant. Anyone have any similar experiences or any input on the situation? I obviously don't want to force him to come.. which would also lead to additional stress in an already stressful time, but is there a different angle I should point out that might change his mind?

As my husband and I approach this decision, we are considering locations that will not only be good for my schooling, but also for his work. Cities and towns have special vibes that you really can't experience unless you're in them. It's important to be together on these kinds of decisions, and as wildcatj said, to have an outside view of things as you evaluate everything. You'll likely want to rehash interviews and impressions with someone after the interview, and who better than your husband? Making these decisions together strengthens your bond.

 

[onisteverina]

Thank you both for your input... I feel the exact same way.. I spoke with him a little more about it last night and it seems that he is pretty bummed about the whole idea of moving out of state and would like to avoid it at all costs.. the thought in general makes him anxious/sad and I feel like this is why he doesn't want to go. Obviously there is some huge communication gaps. In the beginning of all of this he told me that he would follow me wherever I went, but that he would prefer to stay in state if possible. I then approached him with the idea of applying to places out of state too just in case, and he thought that was a good idea. I also suggested that maybe I just apply in state this year and then apply out of state the following year if I don't get in. He thought that I should just apply everywhere the first time... so I'm just really confused about this... I really don't like the idea of going out of state if it truly is making him sad... but then why did he even support the idea in the first place?! It would have been a lot less money and work too... bah.. I'm feeling really torn.

 

[that redhead]

It may be that he supports you fully in going out of state but the prospect of moving (and all of its ramifications) is becoming more real and less pie-in-the-sky with interviews approaching. I don't know if you've ever moved a significant distance from friends, family, job, etc, but it's a pretty big deal. You would have built-in friends through school, and a busy schedule all ready for you whereas he faces the hurdle of making new friends, finding a new job, keeping himself occupied, etc. It's a daunting thing, even if he supports the idea in principle.

It might help him feel more excited about things to go, but if he really doesn't want to, that's his choice. One thing to consider: it puts you in a rough spot if you both like different places.

 

[orca2011]

So my ex in England recently started dating someone and I am truly happy for him since he deserves to be happy and we didn't end on bad terms. I was actually surprised by my reaction since I would have probably been a mess if this was a year or so ago. However, I'm now a blubbering mess because I was reorganizing my desk and realized the card he gave me that had a pressed rose in it is missing. I don't know if my mom threw it away or placed it somewhere, but I'm just devastated...and kind of surprised by how hard this is hitting me. I truly am happy in my current relationship, but I losing something I valued from my first love really hurts because it symbolized a number of firsts and a really memorable time in my life. I know it's just an object, but it's still super upsetting. Am I crazy for freaking out over this? I'm also afraid to ask my mom if she moved it because I'm worried she'll read too much into my reaction and the timing of everything.

 

[that redhead]

Honest opinion: you're freaking out a little more than I would expect if you were well and truly over him. I could be wrong, and I'm closer to the zero end of the sentimental scale so that may be biasing me, but you have the memories in your head...what do you need a physical reminder of him/your time with him for? I think I'd be upset if my SO were to react in a similar way to something an ex of his had given him. ETA (so maybe I don't seem like such a heartless witch, haha): the only ever guy I'd consider myself to have loved romantically (aside from my husband) died last December...I have a little lizard that he carved from wood. I'd be sad if it were to be lost or thrown away, but I don't think I'd use the words devastated or super upset. But again, I'm not one of those realyl sentimental people, so my perspective might be skewed.

 

[orca2011]

Honest opinion: you're freaking out a little more than I would expect if you were well and truly over him. I could be wrong, and I'm closer to the zero end of the sentimental scale so that may be biasing me, but you have the memories in your head...what do you need a physical reminder of him/your time with him for? I think I'd be upset if my SO were to react in a similar way to something an ex of his had given him. ETA (so maybe I don't seem like such a heartless witch, haha): the only ever guy I'd consider myself to have loved romantically (aside from my husband) died last December...I have a little lizard that he carved from wood. I'd be sad if it were to be lost or thrown away, but I don't think I'd use the words devastated or super upset. But again, I'm not one of those realyl sentimental people, so my perspective might be skewed.

I'm okay with it now actually, essentially because I realized you're right. Objects tend to mean more to me than they should, so I tend to keep things around and react a little more than I should when they go missing.

 

[ChittyBang]

HAHAHAHA http://oncekitten.wordpress.com/2013/12/04/15-reasons-why-not-to-date-a-vet-an-eharmony-rebuttal/

 

[Museum Nerd]

Thank you both for your input... I feel the exact same way.. I spoke with him a little more about it last night and it seems that he is pretty bummed about the whole idea of moving out of state and would like to avoid it at all costs.. the thought in general makes him anxious/sad and I feel like this is why he doesn't want to go. Obviously there is some huge communication gaps. In the beginning of all of this he told me that he would follow me wherever I went, but that he would prefer to stay in state if possible. I then approached him with the idea of applying to places out of state too just in case, and he thought that was a good idea. I also suggested that maybe I just apply in state this year and then apply out of state the following year if I don't get in. He thought that I should just apply everywhere the first time... so I'm just really confused about this... I really don't like the idea of going out of state if it truly is making him sad... but then why did he even support the idea in the first place?! It would have been a lot less money and work too... bah.. I'm feeling really torn.

I agree with what That Redhead said about what if he like one location and you another then what do you do? Since i don't know your stats and which schools you applied to is there a possiblity that you could wait until after you have been accepted and if you have a choice narrow it down to your top two then have both of you go and look at them and decide between them. i think it is more important for you to like the school/program. It may be extra money for you to take a second look but i know that i didn't have a lot of time to "look at the area" when i went for my interviews. I focused strickly on the school and what the school had to offer. This way you can look only at schools you would want to attend.

 

[evilsquirrel]

I'm so happy, I couldn't stop myself from posting on this thread. I have decided to attend Purdue and move from NJ to Indiana (obviously). My boyfriend has decided to move with me (which I did not think was going to happen) and I am absolutely thrilled. No potential creepy roommates for me!

 

[emacc]

Trying to plan a summer wedding, in a different state, on a tight budget, while waiting to hear back from schools, makes me want to vomit. ):

 

[Mysterymare]

I'm trying to ignore the fact that I'll be going away at the end of summer... I know that is horrible. But I'm trying to save all of the hurt for when I leave. I know my bf wouldn't follow me to vet school. At least I'll have my horses and my rats!!

 

[evilsquirrel]

I'm trying to ignore the fact that I'll be going away at the end of summer... I know that is horrible. But I'm trying to save all of the hurt for when I leave. I know my bf wouldn't follow me to vet school. At least I'll have my horses and my rats!!

I've been trying to ignore the fact I would be moving across the country. I actually got into an argument with my boyfriend around year 4 because he said he had no intentions of following me to vet school(no IS school). I had gotten really upset at the time, but I got over it. Then I kept telling myself I would never actually get in so to not worry about it. I was really hesitant about bringing up the application process with him, but he ended up being really supportive (more so than my mother). I was completely shocked that he has agreed to come with me. But next month it will be year 8 together sooo it's really hard to imagine life without him.

 

[Mysterymare]

I've been trying to ignore the fact I would be moving across the country. I actually got into an argument with my boyfriend around year 4 because he said he had no intentions of following me to vet school(no IS school). I had gotten really upset at the time, but I got over it. Then I kept telling myself I would never actually get in so to not worry about it. I was really hesitant about bringing up the application process with him, but he ended up being really supportive (more so than my mother). I was completely shocked that he has agreed to come with me. But next month it will be year 8 together sooo it's really hard to imagine life without him.

Wowz!!! Well that is wonderful that he came through for you and is being a great support system. I hope to find that one day!! Luckily my mom was super supportive so I had that going for me I'm a wild soul and my bf is a city boy, so it would be cruel to ask him to follow me anyhow.

 

[kittyy]

My boyfriend and I live together now and just had our 6 year anniversary. I've been concerned too about not having time for him. I will be starting vet school this fall and he will be coming with me. So far my approach has been to talk to him about how busy I will be. I promised him if I have time I will do things with him, but I told him I think my schedule will almost always me wake up, school, come home, study, bed, repeat.

He's very sweet and told me that he wants to be my study partner.

It's going to be hard, but I know we will be ok. We did the long distance thing for over a year when he started college. I think we can handle this

Number one that I think a couple needs to be good at to make this work: communication!

 

[Mysterymare]

Anyone else know they are gonna have to break up with their bf/ gf to go away to vet school? I'm having a rough time with this tonight. It keeps sinking in randomly... I want to enjoy the last few months that I have with him but thinking about the future sucks... I'm convinced that I'll be single forever... At least my horses are coming with me. Big fluffy lifesavers..

 

[that redhead]

Anyone else know they are gonna have to break up with their bf/ gf to go away to vet school? I'm having a rough time with this tonight. It keeps sinking in randomly... I want to enjoy the last few months that I have with him but thinking about the future sucks... I'm convinced that I'll be single forever... At least my horses are coming with me. Big fluffy lifesavers..

If you're sure you'll be breaking up before you leave, it may be worth it to end it now and give yourself the chance to move on before school starts. You don't want to move to a new place and start a rigorous program when you aren't completely mentally prepared.

 

[Cyndia]

Anyone else know they are gonna have to break up with their bf/ gf to go away to vet school? I'm having a rough time with this tonight. It keeps sinking in randomly... I want to enjoy the last few months that I have with him but thinking about the future sucks... I'm convinced that I'll be single forever... At least my horses are coming with me. Big fluffy lifesavers..

Kinda worried about this too. If I get off the waitlist at Florida (which I really really want), I'm going there for sure. When I was choosing schools to apply to last August, my bf had made it clear he would relocate wherever I was going if I stayed in the UK/Ireland, which is great, but that if I went back to the states, that would be that. He was super supportive through the whole process though, and recently in the last few weeks he's told me he's intrigued by/considering coming to Florida if I go, but I don't think he genuinely would be happy if he did, or I worry he might have visa issues, or whatever. We've also only been together a year and a half (it'll be at the 2 year mark when I leave for vet school), and while it's long enough that I know we're fantastic together and could have a future together, I don't think that's long enough to make a major cross continent move like that, and so I don't know if I would let him come with me if I went..

Anyways, if I don't get off the waitlist, it doesn't matter, but its still constantly on my mind. If it came down to us having to break up though, I agree with TRH. While I would want to enjoy every last moment I could with him, I would be an absolute wreck right after the break up, and I would want to give myself at least two months (or more) to try to get over the worst of it, then move and have a fresh start. Otherwise I know my grades would suffer, not to mention I wouldn't have any good friends nearby to turn to if I needed it on really bad days. Plus you should consider that you are probably going to be miserable the final month or two anyways, given that you're already feeling so bad about it..

 

[Mysterymare]

Kinda worried about this too. If I get off the waitlist at Florida (which I really really want), I'm going there for sure. When I was choosing schools to apply to last August, my bf had made it clear he would relocate wherever I was going if I stayed in the UK/Ireland, which is great, but that if I went back to the states, that would be that. He was super supportive through the whole process though, and recently in the last few weeks he's told me he's intrigued by/considering coming to Florida if I go, but I don't think he genuinely would be happy if he did, or I worry he might have visa issues, or whatever. We've also only been together a year and a half (it'll be at the 2 year mark when I leave for vet school), and while it's long enough that I know we're fantastic together and could have a future together, I don't think that's long enough to make a major cross continent move like that, and so I don't know if I would let him come with me if I went..

Anyways, if I don't get off the waitlist, it doesn't matter, but its still constantly on my mind. If it came down to us having to break up though, I agree with TRH. While I would want to enjoy every last moment I could with him, I would be an absolute wreck right after the break up, and I would want to give myself at least two months (or more) to try to get over the worst of it, then move and have a fresh start. Otherwise I know my grades would suffer, not to mention I wouldn't have any good friends nearby to turn to if I needed it on really bad days. Plus you should consider that you are probably going to be miserable the final month or two anyways, given that you're already feeling so bad about it..

Wow that is a lot to to think about with moving continents! I understand where you guys are coming from, but I'd rather make the last few good memories. For the most part I'm alright. But I go through little times like last night where I get sad about it. I figure that I won't have much time to think about it in vet school and I'll be busy making new friends too. I just want my last months in Kansas to be happy ones filled with positive memories. We'll see how it goes and see if I stick to this plan.

 

[Cyndia]

Fair enough, good luck! That is definitely the better route if you can handle it (I just know I wouldn't be able to). I'll keep my fingers crossed for you that things work out okay.

 

[503372]

.

 

[Cyndia]

He's Irish, so it's still probably going to be pretty difficult.. We actually tossed around the idea of marrying just so I could stay in england, but nixed it pretty quickly since I was going to be switching to a student visa in August anyways.. As much as I like the guy, I really don't want to be marrying anyone anytime soon!

 

[503372]

.

 

[Cyndia]

To be honest, I have been teetering back on forth on whether or not I want to leave if I got the option to go home. Anyways, still have some time before I find out/have to decide (and as of now Glasgow is where I'm going!) so it might work out.

 

[kenggy]

So I get back from vacation and my husband proceeds to tell me he is not receiving enough love and affection from me. Says the least emotional man I have ever known...and he is really serious and tearing up (which I've only seen home do 2 times in a span of ten years). Then he proceeds to tell me he wants a baby (visualize my cartoon eyes exploding out of my head!). I am starting vet school in August, I have told you I will not have a kid during vet school, and to be honest I'm not sure I will ever. I don't know if it just feels really wrong now so I can't see it being right in the future or if I just don't ever want to have kids. Either way, I'm 25 and I have time to figure it out.

Also, this whole love and affection stuff is only going to get worse when I start school. Especially since I can not be anywhere near my husband to be able to study. I told him this and that I can't be worrying about his feelings when I'm stressed to the max about school. He said "I know". Yes, these are the responses I get when I'm having a serious conversation with my husband!

Ok, this is turning into a rant. I just wanted to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation, any advice is much appreciated.


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[that redhead]

So I get back from vacation and my husband proceeds to tell me he is not receiving enough love and affection from me. Says the least emotional man I have ever known...and he is really serious and tearing up (which I've only seen home do 2 times in a span of ten years). Then he proceeds to tell me he wants a baby (visualize my cartoon eyes exploding out of my head!). I am starting vet school in August, I have told you I will not have a kid during vet school, and to be honest I'm not sure I will ever. I don't know if it just feels really wrong now so I can't see it being right in the future or if I just don't ever want to have kids. Either way, I'm 25 and I have time to figure it out.

Also, this whole love and affection stuff is only going to get worse when I start school. Especially since I can not be anywhere near my husband to be able to study. I told him this and that I can't be worrying about his feelings when I'm stressed to the max about school. He said "I know". Yes, these are the responses I get when I'm having a serious conversation with my husband!

Ok, this is turning into a rant. I just wanted to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation, any advice is much appreciated.


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First, I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Super stressful.

Fortunately my husband understands that having a child during school is out of the picture (we're LD, though, which adds a different twist). However, I've always understood that having kids is really important to him. If you haven't already discussed having children, and you don't see yourself ever wanting children while he wants one eventually, it's time for an Important Discussion. I don't think the marriage can last with two very drastically different viewpoints like that.

The part that really stuck out to me was "I can't be worrying about his feelings when I'm stressed to the max about school. He said "I know". Yes, these are the responses I get when I'm having a serious conversation with my husband!"

While I understand him springing this all on you is really stressful, you need to remember that he has feelings too. It would crush me if my husband basically said "school/work/etc is more important than you, okay?" I know that I feel similarly to other married sdn'ers when I say that marriage should come first (as I sit 1200miles from home/my husband. Oops.) You can absolutely balance studying and being a part of a marriage; it will take sacrifice from both of you, and circumstances will be less than ideal. But blowing him off for school is not okay, at least in my opinion.

The most important thing is to figure out the kid thing though. If you don't want kids and he does (even if he can be persuaded to compromise on timing)...that needs to be addressed :/ best of luck to you, I know this can't be easy!

 

[kenggy]

I know this is one sided and truly I'm just venting. I love my husband very much. It's just frustrating when I have told him before that I don't want to have a child during vet school. I also want to do a residency which will put me at age 33 after a 1 year internship. Then of course I don't want to start a job and get pregnant.

My parents worked a lot when I was growing up and I barely saw them, I don't want the same thing for my possible children. I just can't look into the future and know whether or not I will want children. I asked him if he would want a divorce if I didn't want children and he said no. Of course how he feels now and 7 years from now will obviously differ.

We have to talk more about it of course, but he is difficult to talk to because I get a few words out of him and then the conversation is over and we haven't agreed on anything. He is very calm and we hardly ever get into a bad argument but this open ended ness is just as frustrating.

The reason why this is a problem now is that I used to want kids, of course we got together when we were 15. Just about when I found out I got into vet school I started to think more seriously about not having kids, or possibly adopting rather than having my own biological children. I want to work with exotics and travel and I know having kids is not conducive to that lifestyle.

I don't want him to stay with me hoping I will want kids someday...which is possible...and then be disappointed and have wasted more time with me than he already has just to have our marriage end in divorce and no children.

I can't even believe I'm talking about this because I can't imagine myself with anyone else but here I am 2 months away from starting school and I have to deal with this.

Anyways, I appreciate the advice but I do hope even if one of us has to compromise that the children issue can be resolved.

Have there been instances where you have sacrificed your grades to spend time with your husband? I don't want to put school above him but I also don't want my schooling to suffer because of him.


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[StartingoverVet]

I know this is one sided and truly I'm just venting. I love my husband very much. It's just frustrating when I have told him before that I don't want to have a child during vet school. I also want to do a residency which will put me at age 33 after a 1 year internship. Then of course I don't want to start a job and get pregnant.

My parents worked a lot when I was growing up and I barely saw them, I don't want the same thing for my possible children. I just can't look into the future and know whether or not I will want children. I asked him if he would want a divorce if I didn't want children and he said no. Of course how he feels now and 7 years from now will obviously differ.

We have to talk more about it of course, but he is difficult to talk to because I get a few words out of him and then the conversation is over and we haven't agreed on anything. He is very calm and we hardly ever get into a bad argument but this open ended ness is just as frustrating.

The reason why this is a problem now is that I used to want kids, of course we got together when we were 15. Just about when I found out I got into vet school I started to think more seriously about not having kids, or possibly adopting rather than having my own biological children. I want to work with exotics and travel and I know having kids is not conducive to that lifestyle.

I don't want him to stay with me hoping I will want kids someday...which is possible...and then be disappointed and have wasted more time with me than he already has just to have our marriage end in divorce and no children.

I can't even believe I'm talking about this because I can't imagine myself with anyone else but here I am 2 months away from starting school and I have to deal with this.

Anyways, I appreciate the advice but I do hope even if one of us has to compromise that the children issue can be resolved.

Have there been instances where you have sacrificed your grades to spend time with your husband? I don't want to put school above him but I also don't want my schooling to suffer because of him.


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I strongly urge you to go to marriage counseling with him NOW.
It seems plain to me that there are some serious issues that need to be resolved (the kids things, and your husbands feeling unloved)...

Marriage in vet school is put under intense pressure. The strongest marriages are going to have hard times. If you go in with unresolved issues, it is only going to get worse.

It behooves you to discuss what is likely to happen in the next 4 years, cause if he is feeling neglected now, he is going to be very, very unhappy in 6 months compared to now.

 

[primatevetjess]

Have there been instances where you have sacrificed your grades to spend time with your husband? I don't want to put school above him but I also don't want my schooling to suffer because of him.

Yep, absolutely. I definitely sacrificed grades multiple times in order to spend time with my husband when he came to visit me. We lived 6 hours apart, and I very rarely studied when he was in town. There were tests that I could've done better on but my marriage was 100% a priority over straight As (or even Bs in some circumstances). My husband always came before school. Because that's what life is really about, not acing every exam at the expense of your partner and relationship.

And you know what? I made it through vet school, and I'm a practicing vet in my dream residency. And no one cares about that C in epidemiology because I chose my husband over studying.

Seriously, vet school will test the absolute strongest of marriages. Admitting that you will not care about his feelings and will put grades above your marriage are not good signs.

I'd listen to SOV and seek some counseling now, before vet school starts.

 

[kenggy]

I don't know how I will react when school starts, but I also don't think that putting school before relationships should end my marriage.

I am a military wife and I am so used to spending time away from my husband that spending large amounts of time with him gets tiring. This may sound weird to you guys but it works for our relationship. I have to be independent and somewhat separated otherwise I would fall to pieces all the time.

By putting school first I mean taking as much time as I need, we are used to not spending time together so I don't see this as a problem. I do not want to sacrifice my marriage.

We have been through some serious crap in our relationship and I am hoping that all we have been through will help us get through this.

Marriage counseling probably isn't an option money wise unless we could get it covered by our insurance. Not to mention in the military everyone gets to know your business when you go to therapy.


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[Cracker.Jack.]

I am a military wife and I am so used to spending time away from my husband that spending large amounts of time with him gets tiring. This may sound weird to you guys but it works for our relationship. I have to be independent and somewhat separated otherwise I would fall to pieces all the time.

Totally feel ya. My husband is military also and it took some getting used to him being around ALL the time when he got back from 3 years of training and a tour in Afghanistan (not that it was a bad thing, just weird). We're both super independent people and we like it that way. I can't imagine having a clinger for a significant other, it would feel so suffocating.

 

[katryn]

If you can't afford councilling, at least sit down and have a very serious heart to heart. If he seems reluctant to talk, keep at it. If it is daunting for him to talk about everything at once, break it up into mini conversations.

Working through the kids issue isn't something I had to deal with but I know several people who have, and at some point you have to come to an agreement. Otherwise one or the both of you will always be left with unresolved feelings on the matter.

As far as grades vs. relationships, I absolutely sacrificed grades for family. The only thing I actively aimed for was passing. It did mean the occassional C. Hubs and I agreed from the get go that he had the right to go as far as asking me to take a year off if our marriage was falling apart (with both of us knowing how much that would suck...). For the most part we were able to find the right balance of spending time together based on our own needs and comfort level. The only place where this became a major issue was during clinics, when I didn't have as much of a choice about when I was free to do things. At that point realistic expectations and open communication where what saved us.

Long story short, work out your issues before you start school or you are likely to crash and burn, and be willing to compromise between marriage and school.

 

[that redhead]

The sacrifice in my my marriage has been long distance. So in a way it's easier to study and such because he's never here. On the other hand, I've sacrificed study time over our semester break when I'd be visiting him and have two tests waiting for me when I got back.

I wonder if you can get counseling services through school? I think a third party could be really beneficial in this circumstance where he drops two big ones on you and then doesn't want to talk at any length about it. That's not fair to you.

 

[Spdycat]

@kenggy I feel where you are coming from. My SO and I are having all the same conversations since I will also be starting in the fall. I agree with that redhead about counseling through school. I know that CSU does offer counseling at the VTH for vet students. They happen to also counsel clients but when I toured the facility the 2nd year said they were available for vet students/families and they were amazing. I don't know if this will help, but if you email [email protected] they will set up tours of both the VTH and the first year facilities. If you have not already done so, bringing the SO may give him a chance to ask questions and better understand what it is that you are going to be doing and the time it takes. I did a summer tour so there was more time to relax and have a candid discussion.

 

[StartingoverVet]

I don't know how I will react when school starts, but I also don't think that putting school before relationships should end my marriage.

I am a military wife and I am so used to spending time away from my husband that spending large amounts of time with him gets tiring. This may sound weird to you guys but it works for our relationship. I have to be independent and somewhat separated otherwise I would fall to pieces all the time.

By putting school first I mean taking as much time as I need, we are used to not spending time together so I don't see this as a problem. I do not want to sacrifice my marriage.

We have been through some serious crap in our relationship and I am hoping that all we have been through will help us get through this.

Marriage counseling probably isn't an option money wise unless we could get it covered by our insurance. Not to mention in the military everyone gets to know your business when you go to therapy.


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This message sends up all sorts of red flags. Everyone is being very kind to you, but I am not buying it. I call it how I see it.

Look, if you just want to vent, that is fine, but I really get a bad vibe from this.

1) Using money as an excuse is just that, an excuse. Find religious counseling, almost all health plans cover some form of counseling, there are group sessions, look for a way to make it work, don't just say it is money. Cut something else out if you need money. Divorce ain't cheap either.
2) The "everyone gets to know your business" is another cop-out. They know your business anyway. That has nothing to do with counseling.. Get over the stigma in your head and do something about it.
3) you are talking about your independence and you don't spend time together, and your husband is talking about feeling unloved/wanted/needed .. whatever. Clearly your desire for independence is not meshing with his desire for YOU. There is a disconnect there, and maybe he isn't as independent as you want/think/desire.

I know you want to blame him, but like in EVERY SINGLE MARRIAGE, the problems are on both sides (and blame is irrelevant), recognize you are part of the problem, and be part of the solution.

 

[kenggy]

This message sends up all sorts of red flags. Everyone is being very kind to you, but I am not buying it. I call it how I see it.

I am assuming you are not a licensed therapist, nor do you have the entire history of our relationship or even the conversation. I don't have time to put that on here and I certainly don't need a lecture.

1) Using money as an excuse is just that, an excuse. Find religious counseling, almost all health plans cover some form of counseling, there are group sessions, look for a way to make it work, don't just say it is money. Cut something else out if you need money. Divorce ain't cheap either.

I would go to counseling no matter the cost if we were heading for divorce, we are not at that point now, he just brought this up a week ago. I'm an atheist, so religious counseling is definitely out.

2) The "everyone gets to know your business" is another cop-out. They know your business anyway. That has nothing to do with counseling.. Get over the stigma in your head and do something about it.

I see your point on this one...my marriage matters more than what other people think of my marriage. It is just frustrating that we have no privacy when it comes to our health, mental or otherwise, in the military.

3) you are talking about your independence and you don't spend time together, and your husband is talking about feeling unloved/wanted/needed .. whatever. Clearly your desire for independence is not meshing with his desire for YOU. There is a disconnect there, and maybe he isn't as independent as you want/think/desire.

True, there may be a disconnect, and I am glad he is telling me how he feels now, I wish he would have spoken up sooner. We have been together for what I consider a long amount of time and relationships grow and change as the people in them do and sometimes that creates lulls. This is just one more growth period for our relationship that we have to get through. Like a crab shedding it's exoskeleton (I had to put an animal reference in here somewhere).

I know you want to blame him, but like in EVERY SINGLE MARRIAGE, the problems are on both sides (and blame is irrelevant), recognize you are part of the problem, and be part of the solution.

I am not blaming him, you are getting my side of the story and I recognize this but I am on this forum not him. I know my faults and my part in this conversation we are trying to get through.

I guess I was looking more for comradery and support than advice, although I do appreciate ALL of your responses, brash or not.

Anyways, we talked last night and both agreed about why we are in this rut we are in now and made a plan to fix it. My husband doesn't want to seek counseling at this time and I will honor his wishes. I will be adamant that we do seek counseling if I feel we are in need. We also talked about kids, and he said he was in no hurry, which I felt is what he was expressing to me in our initial conversation. I asked if I decide ten years from now that I don't want children would he feel he wasted those years with me? He sweetly replied "Wasted? What do you mean? You are the only person I love." I am now saving this post forever so I have proof for any future grievances lol. We have a really wonderful relationship overall and I love him very much, what works for others doesn't necessarily work for us and vice versa. We have worked our crap out for 10 years and we will continue to do so.

 

[kenggy]

@kenggy I feel where you are coming from. My SO and I are having all the same conversations since I will also be starting in the fall. I agree with that redhead about counseling through school. I know that CSU does offer counseling at the VTH for vet students. They happen to also counsel clients but when I toured the facility the 2nd year said they were available for vet students/families and they were amazing. I don't know if this will help, but if you email [email protected] they will set up tours of both the VTH and the first year facilities. If you have not already done so, bringing the SO may give him a chance to ask questions and better understand what it is that you are going to be doing and the time it takes. I did a summer tour so there was more time to relax and have a candid discussion.

I did take the tour, it was great. A third year, now going into fourth, was our tour guide and she gave me her contact info and has been really helpful. I am glad I'm not the only one having these conversations, I am a planner and I like to know whats going to happen, which of course does not meld well with life in general. So here I am saying a bunch of what ifs concerning the future of our careers and what I really need to do is focus on getting through school. We are extremely lucky that we get to stay together during school since he is in the military, I am used to LD but I don't know about 4 years of that, kudos to our fellow SDNers.

 

[MooVet]

I realize that you aren't willing to accept advice, but I think you need to step back and consider something for a second.

Every month or so, someone will post on these forums asking whether they need to give up their relationships, hobbies, lifestyle, etc in order to achieve good grades in vet school. And every time the resounding answer from the vet students is NO. You cannot study every minute of every day. You have to make time for the things that matter to you or you'll go insane. The question then is not whether you're able to make time for your husband, but whether you will. Honestly, I know it sounds harsh but based on what you've posted here I feel really bad for him. You're telling him that marks on a piece of paper - which will have little to no weight at all once you've graduated in a few years - mean more to you than the living breathing human being that you married. Can you imagine how much the hurts, coming from someone you love? It's no wonder that he feels unappreciated. I can guarantee you that being burned out and going through a divorce during vet school is going to wreak far more havoc on your grades than spending a few hours a week with your husband ever could.

SOV may not be a licensed therapist, but then neither are you. His advice is good, and you should read it again without jumping to consider it a personal attack. You obviously have some serious issues in your relationship. While it's great that you and your husband are beginning to discuss them more candidly, having a neutral third party trained to guide you through those discussions would do you a world of good. Therapy isn't meant to be simply a last resort, in fact it shouldn't be one at all. If you wait until you're "heading for divorce" there's a good chance your relationship will be too far gone to save.

 

[twelvetigers]

If you want school and family, school can never really be #1. There's gotta be some sacrifice somewhere. What that means depends entirely in what kind of student you are.