advice on moving on

[Chemical X]

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Hi,

I posted awhile back about being unsure about a relationship I was in (long-term partner I had been living with for several years). I am almost finished with my first year and ever since starting school, he and I had been fighting a lot and things had gotten difficult, although I wasn't ready to end it. Well, apparently he was, as we are now broken up. I am having a lot of trouble dealing with it, even though the relationship wasn't perfect a lot of my happiness in life outside of school came from it. I guess part of me believed despite our problems that we would eventually get married and have children, after all those years together. Certainly he led me to believe that was what he wanted too, even in the weeks before the breakup he was talking about marriage and making plans for the future with me, making this all the more traumatic and difficult to accept. It doesn't help that I moved for school and don't have a lot of friends here to support me, I have some family nearby but I feel like such a loser hanging out with them all the time. Practically, ending things was difficult as we had many joint posessions, a cat, etc., and emotionally I've been a wreck. He was working and helped to support me financially, so that is another thing I will have to deal with as fin aid is not very generous and rents in the area I live in are high.

It has been several weeks now and I have tried my best to move on, going out with friends as much as possible (although as I said I don't have many, I was so wrapped up in my relationship I didn't make many new friends at school), trying not to dwell on things. But I still cry about it all the time. I've seen a counselor once and may go back, but I don't know how much it helped. I just find myself feeling so sad and hopeless. I've tried to stay on top of school but I just don't care about it right now. I remember good things from our relationship and wonder who he's with now or what he's doing. It's just hard to understand why this had to happen right now, and to see myself ever being happy with anyone else--we had been together since I was 20 ( I turn 25 next month), I know that I'm still young but it seems like it will be so hard to meet someone else as I'm pretty introverted and busy with school and will only be busier in the coming years. Any advice on getting over a long-term relationship like this would be helpful, I feel awful almost all the time.

 

[Smilemaker100]

Hi,

I posted awhile back about being unsure about a relationship I was in (long-term partner I had been living with for several years). I am almost finished with my first year and ever since starting school, he and I had been fighting a lot and things had gotten difficult, although I wasn't ready to end it. Well, apparently he was, as we are now broken up. I am having a lot of trouble dealing with it, even though the relationship wasn't perfect a lot of my happiness in life outside of school came from it. I guess part of me believed despite our problems that we would eventually get married and have children, after all those years together. Certainly he led me to believe that was what he wanted too, even in the weeks before the breakup he was talking about marriage and making plans for the future with me, making this all the more traumatic and difficult to accept. It doesn't help that I moved for school and don't have a lot of friends here to support me, I have some family nearby but I feel like such a loser hanging out with them all the time. Practically, ending things was difficult as we had many joint posessions, a cat, etc., and emotionally I've been a wreck. He was working and helped to support me financially, so that is another thing I will have to deal with as fin aid is not very generous and rents in the area I live in are high.

It has been several weeks now and I have tried my best to move on, going out with friends as much as possible (although as I said I don't have many, I was so wrapped up in my relationship I didn't make many new friends at school), trying not to dwell on things. But I still cry about it all the time. I've seen a counselor once and may go back, but I don't know how much it helped. I just find myself feeling so sad and hopeless. I've tried to stay on top of school but I just don't care about it right now. I remember good things from our relationship and wonder who he's with now or what he's doing. It's just hard to understand why this had to happen right now, and to see myself ever being happy with anyone else--we had been together since I was 20 ( I turn 25 next month), I know that I'm still young but it seems like it will be so hard to meet someone else as I'm pretty introverted and busy with school and will only be busier in the coming years. Any advice on getting over a long-term relationship like this would be helpful, I feel awful almost all the time.

Pick up a new hobby! Volunteer at a hospital! Train at your local gym ! All of these activities will preoccupy your mind and force you to meet new people. I especially would recommend training at the gym. You won't only look great but FEEL really great! I am completely addicted. 😀

But above all, be good to yourself and love yourself. Now is the time for you to venture into self-exploration and dating all kinds of people. You are still very young.

 

[peppy]

Sorry to hear you've been so sad. I definitely agree with the idea of getting involved in new activities (preferably something physically active, because exercise promotes a good mood). With summer here now, maybe there are some sports teams in your community you could sign up for something. I know it's hard to make time for stuff in med school, but surely freeing an hour or two a week to try something new and social is feasible.
The last time something like this happened to me, I found staying active and trying to make new friends was the most helpful step in healing.

It is very easy to become nostalgic for the good times after a relationship ends, since you don't have the problems staring you right in the face once the relationship is over. For that reason, I would recommend making a list of all the ex's flaws and problems in the relationship that you can look at every time you start to think about the happy times. Maybe even have a friend who can be unbiased in analyzing the relationship help you make up the list (if you can honestly reassure them you won't get angry if they point out the ex's flaws). After a while, that urge to idealize the guy as being Mr. Perfect will fade as you get some distance and can look at things more objectively.

It's hard to get over a long time relationship. Part of it will just be a matter of waiting it out until the pain starts to fade...but it WILL. Just hang in there. 🙂