Arguments with spouse about residency locale?

[DarknightX]

Again, nobody is attacking your (or @PL198) choice. Everyone has different values and that's totally cool, even if I would never get on board with that lifestyle myself. What's disagreeable is your condescension towards the OP and ridicule of his life choices.

Why? I never ridiculed his choice of being married. I ridiculed his choice of basing his residency choice on what his wife wants.

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[DarknightX]

I'm just as shocked too. I thought he was really kidding. Really surprised someone can't know the tv show Scrubs.

Heard of it, never watched it. Like I said, I don't watch anything on TV except sports.

 

[colbgw02]

I respectfully disagree. When it comes to career decisions like residency, you have to take the best training available, especially when it comes to surgical training. This is not something that cannot be compromised. OP needs to make his rank list based on where he believes he'll get the best training. Doesn't mean it's the highest ranked academic institution. It means where he'll learn the best and fit in the best. I understand that there's a spectrum, but I just fail to see why he needs to make any sacrifice here. Especially when his wife will be the one cashing the checks once he's done with residency).

Okay, but do you recognize that part of being a good fit and learning best is having a happy and stable home life? The OP has made a commitment to his spouse. Let's assume for a moment that this is a legitimate commitment that he intends to honor. Don't you think it's possible, perhaps even likely, that he will be better off at his second choice if it means coming home to a happy wife? As opposed to going to his first choice, if that means coming home to a pissed-off spouse and getting into arguments all of the time?

 

[DermViser]

It's just hilarious to me how I'm sure these same people are the ones that smile and nod their heads when their instructors tell them about not judging their patients(in a homosexual or behavioral context), yet someone chooses not to get married, and everybody loses their f*cking mind. So they can be ok with 4 percent of the population(LGBT), but 50.2 percent of the remaining? f*ck those people clearly, they're nuts and they should be quarantined, really hope they don't reproduce.

You're really going to do a false equivalency of not judging someone not wanting to be married vs. someone being a homosexual?

 

[blackkrim]

Why? I never ridiculed his choice of being married. I ridiculed his choice of basing his residency choice on what his wife wants.

.

 

[DarknightX]

Okay, but do you recognize that part of being a good fit and learning best is having a happy and stable home life? The OP has made a commitment to his spouse. Let's assume for a moment that this is a legitimate commitment that he intends to honor. Don't you think it's possible, perhaps even likely, that he will be better off at his second choice if it means coming home to a happy wife? As opposed to going to his first choice, if that means coming home to a pissed-off spouse and getting into arguments all of the time?

Eh, she'll be mad for awhile and then she'll get over it.

 

[PL198]

You're really going to do a false equivalency of not judging someone not wanting to be married vs. someone being a homosexual?

I'd say the second one is more demanding of a person, yet the people in this thread seem to feel the opposite. I don't see how someone could do the 2nd and not do the first, it's like running a 6 minute lap vs a 6 min mile.

 

[colbgw02]

Eh, she'll be mad for awhile and then she'll get over it.

Haha. Welp. Okay, well I think I'm done here. My wife is slacking in her sammich making, so time to apply the rule of thumb.

 

[DarknightX]

Which is one of his life choices, and one intimately tied up in his marriage. It's funny how you lecture me about commenting on this because I'm not in medical school, while you comment without being married and clearly lacking understanding of what marriage requires.

Don't care what marriage requires. Don't care that you're not in medical school.

OP asked for people's opinions so I gave it. He should get the best training he can, regardless of who it pisses off and even if his wife doesn't like it. That's my opinion.

 

[DarknightX]

Haha. Welp. Okay, well I think I'm done here. My wife is slacking in her sammich making, so time to apply the rule of thumb.

Damn right.

 

[DermViser]

I'd say the second one is more demanding of a person, yet the people in this thread seem to feel the opposite. I don't see how someone could do the 2nd and not do the first, it's like running a 6 minute lap vs a 6 min mile.

The first one is a choice. The 2nd choice - the person can't stop being homosexual.

 

[DermViser]

Why? I never ridiculed his choice of being married. I ridiculed his choice of basing his residency choice on what his wife wants.

Bc his wife has already given up a lot to be with him. That's why. So she should get some say if it's a possibility.

 

[PL198]

The first one is a choice. The 2nd choice - the person can't stop being homosexual.

.... lol wait so you're telling me that genetically people can be wired to be homosexual, but someone couldn't genetically be programmed to not want marriage? Come on, you're teeing these up for me...

 

[DarknightX]

Bc his wife has already given up a lot to be with him. That's why. So she should get some say if it's a possibility.

But he's given up more to go into medicine. He'll give up even more once he's in residency.

 

[redpanda]

Apparently, TRP has convinced a number of people that compromise is a weakness. Many similarities to the BP thread about how one treats the alpha as the Oldest Toddler in the household. Amazing.

 

[DarknightX]

.... lol wait so you're telling me that genetically people can be wired to be homosexual, but someone couldn't genetically be programmed to not want marriage? Come on, you're teeing these up for me...

Many men are definitely genetically programmed to NOT want marriage.

That's why some series show up to 60% of married men cheat.

The other 40% never get the chance.

 

[DarknightX]

Apparently, TRP has convinced a number of people that compromise is a weakness. Many similarities to the BP thread about how one treats the alpha as the Oldest Toddler in the household. Amazing.

Don't know what TRP or BP is.

It's not about strength or weakness. It's about doing what's best for one's career.

 

[PL198]

Many men are definitely genetically programmed to NOT want marriage.

That's why some series show up to 60% of married men cheat.

The other 40% never get the chance.

it's so funny how poor the stats are on marriage, yet people continue to defend it. it's like they're sitting on the oil rig saying " It'll stop burning eventually"

People can do whatever they want, but people buying into it, do you not recognize that the statistical outlook is as it is?

 

[DermViser]

But he's given up more to go into medicine. He'll give up even more once he's in residency.

How? He's getting to do the specialty he wants and will get a huge salary once he's an attending. You can't ask your wife to sacrifice for you forever. This isn't the 1950s.

 

[DermViser]

Don't know what TRP or BP is.

It's not about strength or weakness. It's about doing what's best for one's career.

The Red Pill it's some misogynistic Reddit thing.

 

[DarknightX]

How? He's getting to do the specialty he wants and will get a huge salary once he's an attending. You can't ask your wife to sacrifice for you forever. This isn't the 1950s.

He's the one who will be waking up early every day for at least 5 years, missing out on any kind of social life during that time, working his a$$ off, and getting 4 days off a month (if he's lucky). He'll be on call and be stuck in the hospital while his wife is doing whatever it is she wants.

Yeah, I guess it will suck for her that he won't be around very much, but she can sleep at night and doesn't have to deal with all the BS that he's gonna deal with. She gets to live a normal life, and once he's done she also gets to enjoy that huge salary. Sorry, but I don't see what sacrifice she's making.

 

[DarknightX]

The Red Pill it's some misogynistic Reddit thing.

I feel so old. I have no idea what any of these pop culture references are.

 

[blackkrim]

Don't know what TRP or BP is.

It's not about strength or weakness. It's about doing what's best for one's career.

Careers aren't the only consideration most people take into account. If it were, OP wouldn't even have asked the question.

it's so funny how poor the stats are on marriage, yet people continue to defend it. it's like they're sitting on the oil rig saying " It'll stop burning eventually"

People can do whatever they want, but people buying into it, do you not recognize that the statistical outlook is as it is?

Few life choices are made based solely on statistics. People may have religious or ethical considerations in many cases that may drive them toward marriage. Or maybe they just want to live together and reap the tax benefits. Who knows? It's no more insane than becoming a doctor.

 

[blackkrim]

He's the one who will be waking up early every day for at least 5 years, missing out on any kind of social life during that time, working his a$$ off, and getting 4 days off a month (if he's lucky). He'll be on call and be stuck in the hospital while his wife is doing whatever it is she wants.

Yeah, I guess it will suck for her that he won't be around very much, but she can sleep at night and doesn't have to deal with all the BS that he's gonna deal with. She gets to live a normal life, and once he's done she also gets to enjoy that huge salary. Sorry, but I don't see what sacrifice she's making.

.

 

[PL198]

Careers aren't the only consideration most people take into account. If it were, OP wouldn't even have asked the question.



Few life choices are made based solely on statistics. People may have religious or ethical considerations in many cases that may drive them toward marriage. Or maybe they just want to live together and reap the tax benefits. Who knows? It's no more insane than becoming a doctor.

I agree, I'm merely looking for people to acknowledge that the stats are as they are.

 

[DermViser]

He's the one who will be waking up early every day for at least 5 years, missing out on any kind of social life during that time, working his a$$ off, and getting 4 days off a month (if he's lucky). He'll be on call and be stuck in the hospital while his wife is doing whatever it is she wants.

Yeah, I guess it will suck for her that he won't be around very much, but she can sleep at night and doesn't have to deal with all the BS that he's gonna deal with. She gets to live a normal life, and once he's done she also gets to enjoy that huge salary. Sorry, but I don't see what sacrifice she's making.

So you expect her to put her life completely on hold for 5 years in all aspects of her life?

 

[redpanda]

She gets to live a normal life, and once he's done she also gets to enjoy that huge salary. Sorry, but I don't see what sacrifice she's making.

I know it's hard for some people to look outside themselves, but there are plenty of people who find it rather difficult to uproot themselves from a location/family/community/job that they know and may like and go some place new where the aforementioned things aren't guaranteed. Sacrifice doesn't just come in the form of "OMG look how ridiculous my training program is!1!!".

 

[PL198]

How are you possibly inferring all this? How do you know that the wife doesn't (or won't) work an equally demanding job? This is an incredible leap to make based on some frankly misogynistic assumptions.

1) It's not misogynist to infer that. Statistically, he'd be correct.
2) I've asked OP multiple times about the wife's employment and he's never mentioned it, thus I'm assuming it's stay at home because of his apprehension at mentioning it, because it would weaken the say she has in the matter.

 

[DarknightX]

How are you possibly inferring all this? How do you know that the wife doesn't (or won't) work an equally demanding job? This is an incredible leap to make based on some frankly misogynistic assumptions.

What makes it misogynistic? I would say the same thing if a female resident was asking about her male husband. I tell female medical students all the time they should do whats best for their careers and screw what their husbands want. That's an incredible leap to make on YOUR part.

Not too many jobs are as demanding as surgical or surgical sub specialty training. You'll see this someday when you go to medical school.

 

[PL198]

I know it's hard for some people to look outside themselves, but there are plenty of people who find it rather difficult to uproot themselves from a location/family/community/job that they know and may like and go some place new where the aforementioned things aren't guaranteed. Sacrifice doesn't just come in the form of "OMG look how ridiculous my training program is!1!!".

Yeah because having someone to pay for all your BS for the rest of your life is so challenging. Cry me a river. Sounds like she's the typical overprivileged woman from an upper class family that never had to do a damn thing, met a dude that can tolerate her and is now whiny about the fact that he's going to bring in the bucks, yet she wants to decide where that happens. Yeah ok!

 

[DermViser]

it's so funny how poor the stats are on marriage, yet people continue to defend it. it's like they're sitting on the oil rig saying " It'll stop burning eventually"

People can do whatever they want, but people buying into it, do you not recognize that the statistical outlook is as it is?

All people don't do a full actuarial and transactional analysis before getting married, Mr. 21 year old. Sometimes you actually LOVE the person. Shocking, I know.

 

[PL198]

What makes it misogynistic? I would say the same thing if a female resident was asking about her male husband. I tell female medical students all the time they should do whats best for their careers and screw what their husbands want. That's an incredible leap to make.

Not too many jobs are as demanding as surgical or surgical sub specialty training. You'll see this someday when you go to medical school.

It's already been established you're anti-marriage (making you in the majority of people in the country) which means you're a terrible person and everything you say will be judged as such. This is what you get for siding with the avg american, you slimeball

 

[DermViser]

What makes it misogynistic? I would say the same thing if a female resident was asking about her male husband. I tell female medical students all the time they should do whats best for their careers and screw what their husbands want. That's an incredible leap to make on YOUR part.

Not too many jobs are as demanding as surgical or surgical sub specialty training. You'll see this someday when you go to medical school.

Females don't get the benefit of the doubt like you will when it comes to putting their careers first ahead of their husband, kids, or family guaranteed.

 

[PL198]

All people don't do a full actuarial and transactional analysis before getting married, Mr. 21 year old. Sometimes you actually LOVE the person. Shocking, I know.

Totally cool and a good reason to do it, just saying, people that have getting married as their dream, they do realize what the stats are right? It seems like the avg student is still disillusioned enough to think that married at 25, 2 kids and a white picket fence is the avg american life-style. It isn't.

 

[DarknightX]

So you expect her to put her life completely on hold for 5 years in all aspects of her life?

Why is she putting her life on hold? She can go to school, work, raise her kids or whatever. Sucks she won't be able to be around her parents, but I'm sure she can visit.

Doubt OP wants to go train out in the boonies if he's posting this question.

 

[DarknightX]

Females don't get the benefit of the doubt like you will when it comes to putting their careers first ahead of their husband, kids, or family guaranteed.

Oh please. Sure they do. Plenty of female surgical residents I know have made their husbands relocate while they complete their training. If what you were saying were true, there would be no married female residents with children.

 

[redpanda]

Yeah because having someone to pay for all your BS for the rest of your life is so challenging. Cry me a river. Sounds like she's the typical overprivileged woman from an upper class family that never had to do a damn thing, met a dude that can tolerate her and is now whiny about the fact that he's going to bring in the bucks, yet she wants to decide where that happens. Yeah ok!

Perhaps you should check around, but there's plenty to people's happiness outside of finances. I know it's rather hard for you to think outside of extremes, but letting your partner (female or, gasp, male) have a say (did I say final decision? No. ) in big decisions (aka where do we move our life to?) is generally a good idea.

 

[PL198]

Why is she putting her life on hold? She can go to school, work, raise her kids or whatever. Sucks she won't be able to be around her parents, but I'm sure she can visit.

Doubt OP wants to go train out in the boonies if he's posting this question.

This too. I don't get why people fail to understand this. The very fact that OP made a thread shows that clearly he wants to hear some of the " do what is best for your career" comments. If he wanted to hear about listening to her and taking her advice into consideration, he'd have asked family. This is obvious.

 

[DermViser]

It's already been established you're anti-marriage (making you in the majority of people in the country) which means you're a terrible person and everything you say will be judged as such. This is what you get for siding with the avg american, you slimeball

Majority of people are not anti-marriage.

 

[PL198]

Perhaps you should check around, but there's plenty to people's happiness outside of finances. I know it's rather hard for you to think outside of extremes, but letting your partner (female or, gasp, male) have a say (did I say final decision? No. ) in big decisions (aka where do we move our life to?) is generally a good idea.

lol you're such a hamster I'm done responding.

 

[blackkrim]

What makes it misogynistic? I would say the same thing if a female resident was asking about her male husband. I tell female medical students all the time they should do whats best for their careers and screw what their husbands want. That's an incredible leap to make on YOUR part.

Not too many jobs are as demanding as surgical or surgical sub specialty training. You'll see this someday when you go to medical school.

.

 

[DarknightX]

Majority of people are not anti-marriage.

No, the majority just get married and then cheat, which is much worse in my opinion.

 

[DermViser]

Oh please. Sure they do. Plenty of female surgical residents I know have made their husbands relocate while they complete their training. If what you were saying were true, there would be no married female residents with children.

Yeah, and how many snarky remarks or questions are asked of them, questioning what kind of mothers they are? Surgery isn't exactly a female friendly type residency As a male you will never be asked that. Being a female surgeon in training is rough in many respects.

 

[DermViser]

What sounded misogynistic is that you made it seem like the wife clearly had no job and was going to stay at home doing nothing while her husband makes all the money and does all the work. That's a 1950's view of marriage and it doesn't correspond to reality for most people. His wife probably works (or plans to) and may work just as many hours as a surgical resident for all we know. Your assumptions are entirely unwarranted.

That's what jumped out at me. It would an entirely different story if this was 1950 or 1960, where women don't work to begin with. You can't tell your wife to shove it in 2014, when she had to deal with your problems for 8 years and then you say sorry, it's going to be 5 more years you have to put your wants and needs asides.

 

[DarknightX]

What sounded misogynistic is that you made it seem like the wife clearly had no job and was going to stay at home doing nothing while her husband makes all the money and does all the work. That's a 1950's view of marriage and it doesn't correspond to reality for most people. His wife probably works (or plans to) and may work just as many hours as a surgical resident for all we know. Your assumptions are entirely unwarranted.

I never said anywhere that his wife would stay home. I said she was free to pursue her interests. Big difference. Considering most people don't work 80 hours a week, I find it highly unlikely that she plans to work as many hours as a resident. That is besides the point. What she does is irrelevant. Again, I said that he needs to do what is best for his career, which is the same advice I would give a female in a similar situation with her husband. If anything, your viewpoint is misandrinistic and entirely unwarranted.

I don't have a 1950's view of marriage. I have a realistic one that's backed by data which says that 50% of marriage ends in divorce and up to 60% of married men cheat. But go ahead and pretend that you're in a Disney movie and pretend that you're gonna live happily ever after. Odds are more likely you're going to end up divorced or cheated on. Or both.

 

[DarknightX]

Yeah, and how many snarky remarks or questions are asked of them, questioning what kind of mothers they are? Surgery isn't exactly a female friendly type residency As a male you will never be asked that. Being a female surgeon in training is rough in many respects.

None. I don't give a crap what kind of mother they are. I care about them showing up on time and doing their work. What kind of mother they are has no affect on their ability as a surgeon.

 

[DermViser]

None. I don't give a crap what kind of mother they are. I care about them showing up on time and doing their work. What kind of mother they are has no affect on their ability as a surgeon.

I'm not talking about hospital coworkers. She should care less what her fellow insufferable surgery residents think. I'm talking about her immediate family, relatives, longtime friends, etc.

 

[DarknightX]

That's what jumped out at me. It would an entirely different story if this was 1950 or 1960, where women don't work to begin with. You can't tell your wife to shove it in 2014, when she had to deal with your problems for 8 years and then you say sorry, it's going to be 5 more years you have to put your wants and needs asides.

I said the following:

"He's the one who will be waking up early every day for at least 5 years, missing out on any kind of social life during that time, working his a$$ off, and getting 4 days off a month (if he's lucky). He'll be on call and be stuck in the hospital while his wife is doing whatever it is she wants.

Yeah, I guess it will suck for her that he won't be around very much, but she can sleep at night and doesn't have to deal with all the BS that he's gonna deal with. She gets to live a normal life, and once he's done she also gets to enjoy that huge salary. Sorry, but I don't see what sacrifice she's making."

I fail to see how that is misogynistic. You can switch the genders, and I'd say the same exact thing.

If anything, you are all misandrists and just looking for the opportunity to pounce on anyone or anything that doesn't fit into your point of view.

 

[DermViser]

I said the following:

"He's the one who will be waking up early every day for at least 5 years, missing out on any kind of social life during that time, working his a$$ off, and getting 4 days off a month (if he's lucky). He'll be on call and be stuck in the hospital while his wife is doing whatever it is she wants.

Yeah, I guess it will suck for her that he won't be around very much, but she can sleep at night and doesn't have to deal with all the BS that he's gonna deal with. She gets to live a normal life, and once he's done she also gets to enjoy that huge salary. Sorry, but I don't see what sacrifice she's making."

I fail to see how that is misogynistic. You can switch the genders, and I'd say the same exact thing.

If anything, you are all misandrists and just looking for the opportunity to pounce on anyone or anything that doesn't fit into your point of view.

You can't expect a spouse of either sex to give up everything and do it your way for 4+4+5+... years.

 

[DermViser]

Ok I will. You can have the same woman every night, while I bang chicks from all over the world ranging from ages 21-40.

I'm shocked women aren't throwing themselves at you.