arranged marriage and prenump

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Jiminy Cricket

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if one were to get an arranged marriage, would it be out of line to ask the girl to sign a prenumptual agreement?.....would any good girls go for a gig like that?
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If you don't trust her and so have to get a pre-nup signed, then you don't trust her enough to get married to her. Don't marry her and find someone who you DO trust, without a signature!!!
 
Everyone should get a prenump. If the woman is smart, she should make you sign one as well. People tend to change, and not always for the better.:)
 
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MIZUNOGRL29 said:
Everyone should get a prenump. If the woman is smart, she should make you sign one as well. People tend to change, and not always for the better.:)
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I agree. But how would you go about asking for one?
 
UKPharmGirl said:
If you don't trust her and so have to get a pre-nup signed, then you don't trust her enough to get married to her. Don't marry her and find someone who you DO trust, without a signature!!!
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Sometimes, spouse may seem trustworthy and loving in first few months and then suddenly change.

Also, pre-nup only comes into effect IF you get divorced. So, if couple remains to be happy and trusting, then pre-num is just another useless piece of paper; nothing more nothing less.

Doctors (male or female) especially have to think about pre-nups because there are lot of girls/guys who are out to get their money. I've seen countless cases of this.
 
premedgeek said:
Sometimes, spouse may seem trustworthy and loving in first few months and then suddenly change.

Also, pre-nup only comes into effect IF you get divorced. So, if couple remains to be happy and trusting, then pre-num is just another useless piece of paper; nothing more nothing less.

Doctors (male or female) especially have to think about pre-nups because there are lot of girls/guys who are out to get their money. I've seen countless cases of this.
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But it ruins the romance and the 'looking through rose-tinted glasses' scenario...u know the fairytale marriage and BANG - Can you please sign this just in case we get divorced! Hm... (very negative view...when ur gettin married and its such a happy time)

Doesn't sound right, doesn't feel right. Then again if they truly trust each other, it shouldn't make a difference (besides the mood thing...or maybe that's just me)
 
UKPharmGirl said:
But it ruins the romance and the 'looking through rose-tinted glasses' scenario...u know the fairytale marriage and BANG - Can you please sign this just in case we get divorced! Hm... (very negative view...when ur gettin married and its such a happy time)

Doesn't sound right, doesn't feel right. Then again if they truly trust each other, it shouldn't make a difference (besides the mood thing...or maybe that's just me)
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the rose tinted scenario lasts a few months from what i've been told. my opinion is its better to be practical and view marriage as a partnership consisting of living together, having a kid that must be cared for, and taking care of each other.

i think prenumps are esp necessary if one of the spouses is coming from India or abroad and doesnt contribute an equal financial contribution to the marriage. for instance, many people have an idealized view of the U.S.....a place where life is easy and glamorous....yet when the come here and find out its not all a bed of roses....u have to work, clean the house on your own (including toilets, showers etc) to gardening on your own, car maintenance on your own etc.....well, they are unhappy. prenumps will protect your ass.
 
Jiminy Cricket said:
the rose tinted scenario lasts a few months from what i've been told. my opinion is its better to be practical and view marriage as a partnership consisting of living together, having a kid that must be cared for, and taking care of each other.

i think prenumps are esp necessary if one of the spouses is coming from India or abroad and doesnt contribute an equal financial contribution to the marriage. for instance, many people have an idealized view of the U.S.....a place where life is easy and glamorous....yet when the come here and find out its not all a bed of roses....u have to work, clean the house on your own (including toilets, showers etc) to gardening on your own, car maintenance on your own etc.....well, they are unhappy. prenumps will protect your ass.
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Check out 498a.org if you are NRI marrying in India. Really disturbing stories from some NRIs. It might be somwhat related to your 2nd paragraph.
 
UKPharmGirl said:
But it ruins the romance and the 'looking through rose-tinted glasses' scenario...u know the fairytale marriage and BANG - Can you please sign this just in case we get divorced! Hm... (very negative view...when ur gettin married and its such a happy time)

Doesn't sound right, doesn't feel right. Then again if they truly trust each other, it shouldn't make a difference (besides the mood thing...or maybe that's just me)
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Yes, I agree. It doesn't sound right. It would be VERY difficult to ask for one, without offending the other party.

But if you got lot to loose, it is better to tough it out and ask for one before marriage.

(Btw, I thought those fairy tail marriages only existed in movies :) )
 
Jiminy Cricket said:
the rose tinted scenario lasts a few months from what i've been told. my opinion is its better to be practical and view marriage as a partnership consisting of living together, having a kid that must be cared for, and taking care of each other.

i think prenumps are esp necessary if one of the spouses is coming from India or abroad and doesnt contribute an equal financial contribution to the marriage. for instance, many people have an idealized view of the U.S.....a place where life is easy and glamorous....yet when the come here and find out its not all a bed of roses....u have to work, clean the house on your own (including toilets, showers etc) to gardening on your own, car maintenance on your own etc.....well, they are unhappy. prenumps will protect your ass.
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I am forced to agree on that. A lot of people in India believe that the US and UK are piss easy (mind the french) and that's the only reason they marry an NRI.
 
premedgeek said:
Check out 498a.org if you are NRI marrying in India. Really disturbing stories from some NRIs. It might be somwhat related to your 2nd paragraph.
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I haven't checked that website but I have my own story to tell. The Indian that married my NRI aunt and shattered our loving extended family to tiny bits, as well as living as a son-in-law at my grand-parents' house and living off them for more than 5 years...in fact he's still there. There's much more to it (including how he stole my grandparents' money and other unspeakable things)...very very long story... I'd strongly advise against NRI's marrying in India.

Worst thing, everyone who knows us and him, still believe he's the best son-in-law coz of the bull**** lies he and also (sadly) my aunt spread. Also because he has the gift of the gab, he manipulates people by flirting and charming. I don't blame them for believing that he's a good guy...we were fooled for a very long time...he got us to trust him...and then started to show his true colours. I might get in trouble if I swear here so I won't, but you get the idea.

And by the way, my aunt has been brainwashed (and I know she's unhappy with him)

PLEASE DON'T MARRY THE WRONG PERSON...IT AFFECTS MORE PEOPLE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE
 
premedgeek said:
Yes, I agree. It doesn't sound right. It would be VERY difficult to ask for one, without offending the other party.

But if you got lot to loose, it is better to tough it out and ask for one before marriage.

(Btw, I thought those fairy tail marriages only existed in movies :) )
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Yes, as i'm getting older and wiser (hehehe) I am beginning to realise that those marriages DO only exist in movies... No real guys are that good anyways (no offence :laugh:)
 
UKPharmGirl said:
I haven't checked that website but I have my own story to tell. The Indian that married my NRI aunt and shattered our loving extended family to tiny bits, as well as living as a son-in-law at my grand-parents' house and living off them for more than 5 years...in fact he's still there. There's much more to it (including how he stole my grandparents' money and other unspeakable things)...very very long story... I'd strongly advise against NRI's marrying in India.

Worst thing, everyone who knows us and him, still believe he's the best son-in-law coz of the bull**** lies he and also (sadly) my aunt spread. Also because he has the gift of the gab, he manipulates people by flirting and charming. I don't blame them for believing that he's a good guy...we were fooled for a very long time...he got us to trust him...and then started to show his true colours. I might get in trouble if I swear here so I won't, but you get the idea.

And by the way, my aunt has been brainwashed (and I know she's unhappy with him)

PLEASE DON'T MARRY THE WRONG PERSON...IT AFFECTS MORE PEOPLE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE
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Agreed 100%. You have to be really careful.
 
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i should've just dated my friend....now she's seriously dating some other dude. i wasnt in love with her, at least not physically, but we would've made one hell of a team
 
Jiminy Cricket said:
i should've just dated my friend....now she's seriously dating some other dude. i wasnt in love with her, at least not physically, but we would've made one hell of a team
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LoL, I regret not dating hot indian girl and building up good relationship in college. Now that I am in medical school, there is almost no time. I definitely don't wanna date/marry another doctor.

I guess I am going to India for marriage. Hopefully, I will be better prepared and more thorough in my "search", if I indeed marry someone in India.

498a.org had some scary **** for NRIs. I would recommend you read some of the stories posted in the forums.
 
Ah yes the 'in love with friend' scenario. Very common, very difficult. You wouldn't know how hard it is if you haven't been in it. It's like smoking and binge-eating habits. Giving up smoking is comparatively easy, you can just give up and avoid all sight of cigarettes etc to avoid temptation. But eating...you have to eat, it's always there, you can't run away from it....and yet you can't over-eat. When you are in with love your best friend, it's the same, you have to see them, talk to them, be there for them etc...but you have to hide your feelings (fear of ruining friendship being the main reason, becuase it means so much.)

You should have gone with her, good friends often make the best companions. And you DO have to work as a team, throughout your life. raising children, working out problems, all requires team work mate. :thumbup:
 
UKPharmGirl said:
But it ruins the romance and the 'looking through rose-tinted glasses' scenario...u know the fairytale marriage and BANG - Can you please sign this just in case we get divorced! Hm... (very negative view...when ur gettin married and its such a happy time)

Doesn't sound right, doesn't feel right. Then again if they truly trust each other, it shouldn't make a difference (besides the mood thing...or maybe that's just me)
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"Ruins the romance"?!

If your romance has to be so impeccable that it can't be tainted with the ~1 hr you spend together talking to a lawyer and signing copies to be filed away and never again looked at just to protect yourselves in the event that something wholly unexpected would occur, you're the biggest basketcase I know. Women are so engrossed with this idealized version of romance that they're actually handicapping themselves and others in the process. Find someone with a good head on his/her shoulders, agree to sign it and never think about it again, and go on with your lives with the knowledge that you're in it for love and that alone.
 
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Northerner said:
"Ruins the romance"?!

If your romance has to be so impeccable that it can't be tainted with the ~1 hr you spend together talking to a lawyer and signing copies to be filed away and never again looked at just to protect yourselves in the event that something wholly unexpected would occur, you're the biggest basketcase I know. Women are so engrossed with this idealized version of romance that they're actually handicapping themselves and others in the process. Find someone with a good head on his/her shoulders, agree to sign it and never think about it again, and go on with your lives with the knowledge that you're in it for love and that alone.
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"Women are so engrossed with this idealized version of romance"

What a sexist thing to say. What I was trying to say is that by asking for a pre-nup it seriously offends the opposite person because it is implied that they don't trust them. That's the reason it spoils the romance.

I am a very logical and practical person, but when it comes to things like this, if it is an arranged marriage then go for the pre-nup (as you don't know whether you can trust the opposite person- you don't KNOW them) but in love-marriage - what the hell! you should know each other well enough that you don't need a signature to believe what they say. If you don't then postpone the marriage and get to know them. You might think you need a pre-nup becuase (conciously or subconciously) you are already forseeing a divorce.

"agree to sign it and never think about it again, and go on with your lives with the knowledge that you're in it for love and that alone"

You're not in 'it for love', let alone 'that alone'. You have proved this by just asking for the pre-nup. I have heard this somewhere and it hits the nail on the head "Love is when you give someone the power to hurt you, but TRUST them not to" or words to that affect. Just shows how much love and trust are connected?
 
UKPharmGirl said:
"Women are so engrossed with this idealized version of romance"

What a sexist thing to say. What I was trying to say is that by asking for a pre-nup it seriously offends the opposite person because it is implied that they don't trust them. That's the reason it spoils the romance.
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It's pretty universally agreed that women have more of an idealized concept of romance. The fact that you call it sexist doesn't make you right when you deny it. Since I was generalizing, I'm not "right" either, but I think it's pretty safe to say women do it more than men. Hence sappy romance novels. Hence television dramas catering to women. Hence women's obsession with the perfect wedding. Hence the fantasies they have about all the wonderful things Mr. Right will do and say. They are programmed (by society, you could argue) to have idealized expectations of romance. You used the word "fairytale marriage", for crying out loud.

Men have their programming too - we have idealized expectations of what our sex life will be like, for example. We have an idealized version of that Mrs. Right will be like. But, to generalize, we are much less consumed with how "romantic" it all will be. You can cop out and retort with "you can't just generalize like that!", as I suspect you might. If you really were a realist, you'd understand that such a thing shouldn't put a rift in your relationship. How about this - since you seem to think it would indicate a weakness in your relationship if your significant other requested one, what do you think it would indicate if your significant other refused to sign one? Deal-breaker? How's that for a weak relationship?

UKPharmGirl said:
["agree to sign it and never think about it again, and go on with your lives with the knowledge that you're in it for love and that alone"

You're not in 'it for love', let alone 'that alone'. You have proved this by just asking for the pre-nup. I have heard this somewhere and it hits the nail on the head "Love is when you give someone the power to hurt you, but TRUST them not to" or words to that affect. Just shows how much love and trust are connected?
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That's sweet. Unfortunately, you missed the point. How does removing the element of financial gain as a factor in the marriage prove that you're not in it for love?

Now consider the fact that most marriages end in divorce. And consider the fact that if you were only entering the marriage to be with the person you love, why do you need to protect your right to his money? Is it such a violation to ask you to promise ONCE and then never again for the record that you're not entering the marriage for financial security, but just to be with him?

"Love is when you give someone the power to hurt you, but TRUST them not to"

....seriously? If the only way that your spouse can hurt you is financially, you're in trouble. Something tells me the person who said that wasn't referring to your husband's Mercedes, but rather to the emotional investment that renders you so profoundly vulnerable.
 
Northerner said:
Since I was generalizing, I'm not "right" either.
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Agreed, you are not 'right'. Maybe I'm not. Boils down to personal opinion and choice at the end of the day.

Northerner said:
You used the word "fairytale marriage", for crying out loud.
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I was building up a picture, to let you see how odd it would sound (and how difficult it would be to ask for one!). I don't see 'fairytale marriages' nor idealise about them. Like I have already said, I'm very practical and logical. I have accepted a long time ago that 'Mr. Right' does not exist anyways. So, yes you were right in saying that I will say 'You can't generalise!' Not all women are soppy, and not all men are realistic.
 
GET THE PRENUP!!

It is no big deal. Ask your folks to ask your future spouse's parents to get the daughter or son to sign while they discuss the dowry, the wedding expenses, the transfer of chapati recipes, cattle harnessess, coconut tree titles, pressure cooker rings, idli steamers, mixy spare parts, rice flour, tea cups and other commodities. It can be easily inserted to the above list without causing any alarm and also be part of the prenup. Leave the spouse with all the above items in the prenup plus throw in a few tv remotes, a cheap MP3 player and a sack of atta and they will think it would benefit them. Tell them it will protect them from losing all their pressure cooker rings as us law states they can not be removed from the country without mutual consent.

I should be a lawyer, lol.
 
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sga430 said:
GET THE PRENUP!!

It is no big deal. Ask your folks to ask your future spouse's parents to get the daughter or son to sign while they discuss the dowry, the wedding expenses, the transfer of chapati recipes, cattle harnessess, coconut tree titles, pressure cooker rings, idli steamers, mixy spare parts, rice flour, tea cups and other commodities. It can be easily inserted to the above list without causing any alarm and also be part of the prenup. Leave the spouse with all the above items in the prenup plus throw in a few tv remotes, a cheap MP3 player and a sack of atta and they will think it would benefit them. Tell them it will protect them from losing all their pressure cooker rings as us law states they can not be removed from the country without mutual consent.

I should be a lawyer, lol.
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lolzz very funny...i think it could even work!
:laugh:
 
to the OP, not sure if you know or not, its pre-nuptial. not pre numptual. :laugh:
 
Prenups don't nessesarily always workout to the husband's favor, they are there to protect both parties. Even if you do trust the girl now, when you hate her and want to divorce her all bets are off. Think of a fair contract that doesn't make her seem like a gold digger and I doubt she'd be offended by signing it.


Also... if my fiance was cheap and paranoid enough to want one, I'd like to know this before we get married.
 
BeatrixKiddo said:
Prenups don't nessesarily always workout to the husband's favor, they are there to protect both parties. Even if you do trust the girl now, when you hate her and want to divorce her all bets are off. Think of a fair contract that doesn't make her seem like a gold digger and I doubt she'd be offended by signing it.


Also... if my fiance was cheap and paranoid enough to want one, I'd like to know this before we get married.
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So it's a protective, fair contract a woman shouldn't be offended signing, but you'd consider a person who requests it cheap and paranoid?
 
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