Hey guys, not sure if this is the best place to ask but something that's been looming on my mind for a while. My GF is gonna be across the country and we're planning on a LDR as I start med school this upcoming fall. This doc who's my mentor and who I work for told me start looking for a girl in med school and that break-ups are super common when doing LDR. This has definitely gotten me worried. I'm definitely someone who benefit from the extra social support (which I won't be having much of as I'm moving to a new city I've never visited) when stressed. Did y'all find breaking up under similar situations to be common while in med school?
Breakups common?
- Thread starter bigdbron
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Yep.
I saw a ridiculous number of divorces in med school. So much so that the joke was actually making it through med school.
Would love to give you a feel good ending to this. Sorry.
I saw a ridiculous number of divorces in med school. So much so that the joke was actually making it through med school.
Would love to give you a feel good ending to this. Sorry.
Damn. Appreciate the honesty!
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There were a couple divorces in my class. A couple breakups. We also have a ton of people still together and like a dozen people in long term relationships or getting married.
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If because someone else told you to start looking for a new partner, you're considering looking for a new partner, that says quite a bit about how you view your current relationship.
LDR;s can work, or fail. It's up to you two.
LDR;s can work, or fail. It's up to you two.
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Yep. Saw lots of divorces, lots of break ups, lots of marriages make it, lots of new relationships make it to marriage. If y'all want to make it work, you absolutely can.
She's going for law school, she's gonna apply to some near me but nothing's guaranteed. In the end, I'd want her to pick the best law school for her, even if it's further from me. We've been together a year and I honestly haven't brought up questions of marriage and what not. Wasn't hoping to get married till I'm an attending.
damn divorces happening are crazy to me. ik two buddies who jus got married prior to starting med school to show their partners they're committed to the relationships.
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What’s the reason for wanting to wait 7+ years to get married? I mean I don’t think anyone should get married until at least 25 or 26, but I’m curious what your reasoning is.
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The best school for her might not be the highest-ranking school, but the good school that lets you guys stay close to each other. That what my SO and I did. I know law school is different though since it's like T7 or bust, but just a thought.
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About half the couples that started at my med school together stayed together. Probably honestly wasn't much different than the rate of staying together for people of their given age outside of medicine
gonna be broke lol. going in loads debt for med school. I just don't have the financial luxury to get married in med school. wouldn't be opposed to getting married during residency, but is that even an ideal time to get married?
yeah to my understanding...prestige and rank of law school matters a lot, so I wouldn't want her to possibly sacrifice advancing her career ya know?
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I’ve been married for 8 years and have 2 kids. There is no ideal time. If you wait for the ideal time, you’ll never get married. I got married when I was making like $4,000 a month and had like $60k in debt with no degree. You make it work.
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How long have you guys been together? You have to evaluate how serious this relationship is. If it’s not that serious, let her go to the high ranked school, this will likely lead to more hardships and a potential break up.
If you’re serious about her, and if/she gets into a school closer to you, have a discussion to see if she’s on the same page as far as seriousness of the relationship and the long term prospect. If both of you are on the same page, make a firm commitment, I.e get engaged, and have her move where you are, with prospect of marriage in a year or two.
If you’re not serious, just let her go right now. It’s easier this way than to waste time and hold each other back, I speak from a lot of experience.
Med school is so freaking tough (at least for me). The only thing I can think of that would make it worse is having to balance a LDR. Sounds like death. Knowing what I know now, I hate to say it, but I’d cut it off or have her/him move with you. This is coming from a guy who had a LDR in undergrad for a year. I ended up marrying her but that year was the worst. Constant fighting and bickering and jealousy and mixed feelings and needing emotional support and ugh.... It’s going to be a distraction that will make a horrible experience even more horribler.
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Everyone out there is going to have a personal anecdote on making it and getting married, getting divorced, breaking up and wishing it happened earlier, etc.
The only real advice is to think about these serious questions and communicate with your SO. You'll have more opinions come in but that's the only answer here because everyone's relationship and situation is unique.
The only real advice is to think about these serious questions and communicate with your SO. You'll have more opinions come in but that's the only answer here because everyone's relationship and situation is unique.
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Only you know your relationship and what it can handle. Personally if my mentor told me to break up with my long term gf I'd be pissed off, not worried. If it's meant to be itll work out.
D
deleted393595
Many in my med school class started school in LDRs. Most of them (75-80%) stayed in LDRs up till graduation.
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Ouch, sorry man.
That’s rough. Sorry for to hear the news. As painful as it is now, you'll end up just fine OR you may find yourselves back together when you’re both done with whatever it is you guys are working on. By then, you will both be ready to lock it down without having to fight through half a decade of a LDR.
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The fact that you were this easily “helped” means that you made the right choice for the long run.
I was long distance with my gf for 2 years during training. We are married now. Judge your relationship on its own merits.
yup turns out she was having doubts as of recently and when i had the convo, she seemed more receptive than i was expecting to possibly taking a break
My boyfriend and I broke up shortly after I started med school - we were together for a little over 2 years. We were long-distance, but also had pretty significant problems before I left. It only worsened when I was there and caused a huge amount of sadness and stress for my first few months. We also had a huge communication barrier as he is terrible at phone/text. I ended up meeting someone at school who I plan to marry, so it worked out in the end
With that said - if you guys communicate well and BOTH want to make it work, it absolutely will. Don't let others discourage you and expect you to be doomed for failure. I have plenty of friends from school in serious long distance relationships who made it work without issues. It's helpful to have support from afar, and since you'll be busy studying, a little distance might be a blessing in disguise. But remember - communication is key!
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If you want to make the relationship work, you’ll make the time and opportunity for it whether it’s visiting them once a month or video chatting twice a week.
In my case, I ended my 2-year long relationship with my ex last month because we couldn’t handle LDR. Was it crappy? Yes, but we mutually agreed this was the right thing to do. And hey we’re still friends, but no romantic feelings anymore.
In my case, I ended my 2-year long relationship with my ex last month because we couldn’t handle LDR. Was it crappy? Yes, but we mutually agreed this was the right thing to do. And hey we’re still friends, but no romantic feelings anymore.
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It’ll be hard but you can definitely make it work! A good friend of mine got together with her S/O about 2 years before she went to med school. They did LDR for 3 years. He’s proposing to her this fall and they’re getting married once she finishes med school.
I think the key here was that they made time to visit/spend with each other, but also made a plan early on. It’s important to discuss with your S/O what the plan for the future is, if you guys envision a future together. Playing it by ear might make it more difficult. Also, if she picks a law school far from you, would you be trying to match close to her? Or after she finishes law school, would she find a job near you? Wanting the best for each other’s careers is great, but if you aren’t able to make any compromises for your relationship, you could end up in an LDR for a LONG time chasing the “best” opportunities for each of you.
I think the key here was that they made time to visit/spend with each other, but also made a plan early on. It’s important to discuss with your S/O what the plan for the future is, if you guys envision a future together. Playing it by ear might make it more difficult. Also, if she picks a law school far from you, would you be trying to match close to her? Or after she finishes law school, would she find a job near you? Wanting the best for each other’s careers is great, but if you aren’t able to make any compromises for your relationship, you could end up in an LDR for a LONG time chasing the “best” opportunities for each of you.
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The best answer is it depends.
It is common for break ups to occur while in med school, . But that’s also true of folks who are not in med school. With med school there are additional stressors which can put a strain on a relationship.
If you have a good relationship and a very compatible partner, you will get through this. If not, then the likelihood of the relationship surviving in general but especially in medical school is less likely.
I was with the same partner prior to, through, and after medical school.
Wook
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I just finished my third year of med school and I am in a long distance relationship. He lived here during my first year of med school and then moved for my 2nd and 3rd year. Long distance can work but it really depends on the couple. I have actually enjoyed it because I can focus on my studies more and not feel bad about not hanging out with him.
I also have friends who broke-up with their significant other during med school, especially during the first year.
So it really depends on you and your partner. Long distance CAN definitely work, but it is harder for sure.
I also have friends who broke-up with their significant other during med school, especially during the first year.
So it really depends on you and your partner. Long distance CAN definitely work, but it is harder for sure.
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I've always disliked this excuse for not getting married. It's actually one of the reasons I left my ex (3 yrs together + 3 yrs later and that PhD still isn't complete). People whine about being broke and carrying debt but all couples do that. Will your student loans be gone once you're an attending? Will her law school loans be gone? You guys will literally be maintaining 2 separate households throughout the time, when together, the financial strain could be less. If you plan to live together, that makes the idea of waiting for that "attending status" even more silly because at that point the only thing that separates you from being married are the legalities of it. What it seems to me is that you would wait for that moment to afford a fairytale wedding which she may not even care to have as long as she's with you. Finances matter but shouldn't be the deciding factor.
Having said all that, you've only been together for a year and haven't even thought of marriage. Nobody can predict whats going to happen with it. I will say this, the more opinions you invite into your relationship, the harder it will be to maintain it. Right now you've invited dozens of negative thoughts into your head instead of just talking to the one person who matters. Getting through any LDR is going to strongly rest on you guys ability to talk to each other instead of talking to others about your relationship and concerns within it.....and your ability to make time for each other.
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I'll be in a long distance relationship for med school
As with most things in life, there's no specific equation - you can't say that if you're X miles in proximity and spend Y number of minutes together it'll lead to happiness. I've been unhappy in physical close relationships and happy in long distance ones.
If you want it to work, you'll find the time and make the effort. But sometimes that type of relationship is incompatible for certain couples and that's fine too, no one is the villain for prioritizing one type over the other. Med school will certainly be stressful and if your relationship adds more stress than benefit, it won't work out. But what happens will be dependent on you and it won't be anything someone can predict in advance.
As with most things in life, there's no specific equation - you can't say that if you're X miles in proximity and spend Y number of minutes together it'll lead to happiness. I've been unhappy in physical close relationships and happy in long distance ones.
If you want it to work, you'll find the time and make the effort. But sometimes that type of relationship is incompatible for certain couples and that's fine too, no one is the villain for prioritizing one type over the other. Med school will certainly be stressful and if your relationship adds more stress than benefit, it won't work out. But what happens will be dependent on you and it won't be anything someone can predict in advance.
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First of all, is she in med school too? Regardless... understand that Med School .. you owe it a fair and honest shot. You owe yourself that. Set your goal, go for it. Analyze and reanalyze your goal as you go through your rotations and classes. It'll never come back.. but your Girl, may. Or may not.
You'll make some of the best friends for life in med school. You'll find your social support.
Man.. I wish I could go back in time and have a sit down with myself and tell myself these things!
You'll find "loving" your studies just as fulfilling as "loving" your GF.. in most ways...
But... the after med-school part.. good luck! You have no idea what you're entering into... United Healthcare is your Boss... It's actually Government's Boss.. but I digresss..
And pick your specialty logically... you'll get good at whatever line of expertise you choose to follow.. but make sure your "job" brings "value" to a hospital! You really have no idea dude.. you're about to enter a world of &*it! Things and concepts you are totally oblivious to right now.. Consider a dual degree pathway (MD/JD, MD/MBA, MD/PhD***) ... trust me.. and drop the girl.. unless she's "the one". It's only fair to her as well.. she deserves someone who'll make her feel special in her prime time (youth) and it's not going to be you, with your commitments.
I'm sure you haven't even fathomed this concept.. but wow... your questions and concerns remind me of how naive we all once were in your time. .
MD.Loading
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Well I'm just starting this year year I am no expert on the stats. But I'd say I am in a committed relationship and actually planning to get married after first year but I'm doing that because the person I'm with has already proven just how much they value my dreams. With that being said, ask yourself, if this person isn't someone I feel would partner with me to be in a LDR, are they the type that would have the wherewithal to be a doctors spouse? That's HARD especially depending on your specialty. Just food for thought. Wishing you the best.
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Hello. I am reaching out because I have been/am in a similar situation.
Here is my advice, which i can only give from my lived experience, so keep that in mind.
I think one of the most socially crippling things is to have a mindset of "I want to replace the person I broke up with" when you immediately touch down in medical school; ESPECIALLY if we are talking about finding a partner amongst your classmates, who will comprise your most immediate social circle.
If you break up with your current partner, FOCUS ON FINDING STABILITY IN YOURSELF FIRST, as well as finding solid friends to help you out in a pinch and who are loyal. THAT IS YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM. A romantic partner you've just met is a horrible central support system IMO, because if you break up with them now you have 0 support system.
In summary, if you show up to your class single and ready to mingle, focus the majority of your energy on platonic relationships. If you find a special someone along the way, good for you, but don't place a hefty wager like making this new partner the most important part of your support system.
Here is my advice, which i can only give from my lived experience, so keep that in mind.
I think one of the most socially crippling things is to have a mindset of "I want to replace the person I broke up with" when you immediately touch down in medical school; ESPECIALLY if we are talking about finding a partner amongst your classmates, who will comprise your most immediate social circle.
If you break up with your current partner, FOCUS ON FINDING STABILITY IN YOURSELF FIRST, as well as finding solid friends to help you out in a pinch and who are loyal. THAT IS YOUR SUPPORT SYSTEM. A romantic partner you've just met is a horrible central support system IMO, because if you break up with them now you have 0 support system.
In summary, if you show up to your class single and ready to mingle, focus the majority of your energy on platonic relationships. If you find a special someone along the way, good for you, but don't place a hefty wager like making this new partner the most important part of your support system.
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Tfw when people are still giving OP relationship advice even after the breakup
tankkiie
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Focus on yourself King or Queen. I personally think it’s a little out of line for the advisor to project other peoples personal experience with break-ups in med school onto you. You didn’t have those thoughts before and you were fine. But I get why they're doing it, they are an advisor for you to succeed academically. But that’s kind of also why they shouldn’t mention anything regarding your personal relationships, unless it is affecting your academic progress. I don’t have any experience to share, just really hope you succeed no matter what. I just wanted to share I didn’t like the advisers advice. that’s not their place for you. Don’t forget to ask yourself “what do I enjoy?” or “what do i need right now to feel better” every single day.
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My gf from undergrad broke up with me about 2 months after I started med school. A week before she did this we had talked about how great it was that we were so committed to each other and had made plans to see each other...
Oh well. At least Southwest tickets could be applied towards future travel.
Oh well. At least Southwest tickets could be applied towards future travel.
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Shhh, this is hilarious. I like the posts that are multiple paragraphs.
I definitely hear about breakups in med schools, whether it was dating or actually engaged. It was something that worries me too bc my bf is in med school and I will soon start med school. I was worried that I couldn't do LDR but I was lucky that I got accepted into a school near him.
In all honesty, whether or not you will work out is really up to you to bc during my 4 yrs of relationship there were times we consider breaking up for other reasons on top of the uncertainties of med school and the future. I actually was going to move to AZ for school but got accepted elsewhere, we were both worried, but we didn't think about breakups rather we just will try our best to maintain it. Now the problem is not so much LDR but rather can we be there and support each other since we both super busy all the time.
If it makes you feel any better, I have a friend maintaining a relationship half the world away for years and still works. Tho breakups in med schools are common but if you guys really want to be in this together then ya'll do whatever it takes to make it.
In all honesty, whether or not you will work out is really up to you to bc during my 4 yrs of relationship there were times we consider breaking up for other reasons on top of the uncertainties of med school and the future. I actually was going to move to AZ for school but got accepted elsewhere, we were both worried, but we didn't think about breakups rather we just will try our best to maintain it. Now the problem is not so much LDR but rather can we be there and support each other since we both super busy all the time.
If it makes you feel any better, I have a friend maintaining a relationship half the world away for years and still works. Tho breakups in med schools are common but if you guys really want to be in this together then ya'll do whatever it takes to make it.
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Together 7 years and engaged year 3 medical school (long distance), then broke up year 1-2ish of residency (kind long distance, 1 hour apart).
**** happens. Long distance is hard, but it can work.. Mine almost did. But in the end it ended up for the best, now happily married, great career and kids!
**** happens. Long distance is hard, but it can work.. Mine almost did. But in the end it ended up for the best, now happily married, great career and kids!
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In general, learn to swipe right...
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It's easy to give up on someone you don't like. Long term long-distance relationship for 3 years, I couldn't see myself with someone else. OP, it will be hard to find someone who likes "you" after medical school. Dating in medical school is a big no. Like, what would you do if you ended up in different cities after residency?
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The fact that you made this choice so easily, and the fact that you were willing to wait 7+ years to get married, tells me you really didn't want the relationship that much. Good choice breaking up with her now instead of drawing it out for 7+ years.
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Together for 5 years now. Started dating the first year of undergrad then long-distance since the start of medical school. Still going strong, and we hope to couple's match. If you put in the time and effort, it can work.
D
deleted50541
I don't recall a lot of LDR breakups happening during med school, but many folks dated in and out of the class. Some stuck it out, others did not.
Residency on the other hand, I saw several marriages/relationships breakup for a variety of reasons, particularly when the SO was not local. My own 4-year LDR broke up when I was second year surgery resident. It was really hard to be there for each other with my time constraints and distance apart (including being in separate countries). We gradually grew apart in the final year and realized it wasn't working for either of us anymore. It was a relatively amicable parting and we're still friends.
Residency on the other hand, I saw several marriages/relationships breakup for a variety of reasons, particularly when the SO was not local. My own 4-year LDR broke up when I was second year surgery resident. It was really hard to be there for each other with my time constraints and distance apart (including being in separate countries). We gradually grew apart in the final year and realized it wasn't working for either of us anymore. It was a relatively amicable parting and we're still friends.
tankkiie
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This is the funniest response I’ve ever read in my life
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