ending a relationship

[sdnstud]

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[thirdunity]

Advising you not as a med student (I'm not there yet), but as a 31 year old woman who's been dumped a few times, and has dumped a few times, and has had to console endless friends who've been dumped.

The etiquette stuff is assuming she's just a reasonably normal person, not some kind of psycho.

It's better to break up with her. Really, there'll be LESS drama if you break up with her NOW, than if you do it in med school, or even right before you start. The sooner you do it, the less drama there will be.

Breaking up in the middle of *anything* (while working full time; going to school, etc) is trying and suckful.

But holding onto a relationship as a "crutch", when you or they don't really want to be there, is lots worse.

No company is always better than the wrong company. You might find some help in getting some psychological counseling to get you through this time, and if you're religious, getting involved with the local church/synagogue/whatever. It helps a lot.

My guess is that you're going to be so insanely busy in med school anyway that you're not going to have much time to worry about your social life a whole lot. But holding onto a relationship that isn't giving much back to you, is just going to be a terrible drain to you. Breaking it off will be a huge weight off of your shoulders and and it will free you up to be a better student.

Why not make med school a fresh start? You have a chance to get involved in a whole new community, and meet new people, and get started on a new direction in your life.

The breakup will smart a little at first, and you'll feel lonely at first, but I'm also betting you're going to be savoring your freedom and you won't really be anxious to jump right into another relationship right away, anyway.

In my case, I'm contemplating a divorce, and believe me, hooking up is the LAST thing on my mind. It usually ends up being that way after a breakup.

Also, it's not fair to *her* either, to drag this out any longer if your heart has really gone out of it. I've been with guys who would stay with me until school was out or whatever, and believe me, it's not a fun thing to realize that the whole time you were in love, you were just being used by them as a social crutch.

Breaking it off - sooner, not later - is really the kindest thing you could do for both of you. Just get it over with.

Now is the *perfect* time to break up. Since you're going to where you don't know anybody, that means you're going to where you don't know any of her friends or family - that means also that you can break it off reasonably *cleanly*.

See her in person, give back any stuff she's left at your house, and either get any of your stuff back or write your stuff off as gone. Any gifts you gave her, of course, will remain hers (that's just etiquette).

Don't pull a fade or break up by email unless you're being physically and mentally abused, and she's really some kind of psycho bitch from hell who may physically assault you, or she will try to manipulate you. In that case, by all means pull a dissappearing act, because that's the only way you can deal with really toxic people... from hundreds of miles away. But I'm assuming she's a reasonably normal person with whom you simply no longer want to be in a relationship.

If she's one of those "drama queen" types, then she's probably at the toxic end of the normal specturm (meaning she might stir up a hornet's nest of gossip, and threaten to open up her veins, but she won't REALLY do herself or anyone else any bodily injury). In which case, breaking up *firmly* and cleanly is the best of all.

Just be adult and civil, tell her it's not working. Don't tell her "let's be friends" or any of that highschool crap, you're a grown man who's going to be a doctor, and I'm assuming she's a grown woman. The more cleanly you break it off, the less drama there will be.

Hope that helps.

 

[OrthoFixation]

OP, your post seems a bit selfish to me (no offense). If your heart is not in it, then out of respect for the woman you must end it in a timely manner. Although you may be comfortable (but dissatisfied) in the relationship, this woman is indeed a crutch for you.

You are the only one that can decide what is best for you. But, you can treat others with respect if you know that the street is a dead-end.

I don't see how the marriage topic has not entered into your relationship after 3 years. Most women I know want to know where things are going if they have a long term relationship. In other words, should I keep putting my time and energy into this relationship or just start looking for the real Mr. Right?

Good luck.

 

[thirdunity]

OP, your post seems a bit selfish to me (no offense). If your heart is not in it, then out of respect for the woman you must end it in a timely manner. Although you may be comfortable (but dissatisfied) in the relationship, this woman is indeed a crutch for you.

You're right. He hasn't really talked about what the *woman* would be getting out of this.

 

[Ergo]

DONT bring relationship baggage with you to med school. There will NEVER be a better time than now to resolve this problem.

First year is hard. Lots of new info - plenty of new friends and activities. A long distance (or even in-town) troubled relationship will suck up time you should be using to study and build friendships with people like you in your academic community. It will be tough later to build friendships, because everyone will be busier, and people not in med school who do have time will quickly tire of work/study conversations and having to always fit into your schedule.
Second year is much harder. No time for building new friendships, it seems.
Third year is totally different. Your time is not your own. Then when you are free to leave the hospital you need to read up on patient's problems and study for the exams, because you wont have time to do that while youre at work. No time for drama here.
I dont know about fourth year - because Im not there. Friends who finished med school before me were traveling a great deal - away rotations and interviews take up half the year. The other helf is easy, except for worrying about where you will match. Extra worry for those who have to take more factors into consideration, such as a partners job or geographic preferences. FYI.

Many of my classmates ended up married to their partners they had before med school. Several were in troubled relationships, but werent able to break it off - too busy, someone they knew was too convenient, plus it was nice to have help and support at home (male or female). These partners started as long distance relationships - during first year some of them broke it off and had new girl/boyfriends locally. Two ended up back with their old girl/boyfriends, who insisted on moving down during second year and are now (3rd year) married. When youre stressed and times are tough convenience and familiarity becomes remarkably appealing.

 

[alison_in_oh]

I am hesistant to break up with my gf because I don't want this to happen to me again. I will be going to a medical school where I will know nobody, far away from my family.

Is anyone in the same shoe as I am? Nearing the end of a relationship, but don't want it to end cos' you don't want drama as you enter medical school?

You don't think there'll be drama if you are with someone who's not right with you while you're trying to make your way through the crazy mess of first year?

Please don't tell me you are asking her to move with you, knowing you're going to dump her soon after. That would make you a pretty lame human being.

Let me put it simply. My strong and supportive relationship seems to have made life a little easier on my husband; likewise for other students with dedicated and understanding partners. On the other hand, all the people I know who were in difficult relationships going in, well they failed Step 1. Seriously. You don't want to be putting more energy into your relationship than into school. (Oh, and they're all still with their SOs and still working hard to stay with them.)

So. Here's what you do. Take a letter. *Ahem* "Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You. Sincerely, Me."

Get over yourself. This isn't the only time in your life you'll ever have to fly solo. In fact if you are this dependent, cutting loose and starting fresh may be the best thing you can do on your path to becoming a doctor.

Making such an intimate and personal, lifechanging decision WITHOUT the help of faceless Yahoos from SDN would also, yannow, be a start.

 

[Shmoe]

DONT bring relationship baggage with you to med school. There will NEVER be a better time than now to resolve this problem.

Totally agreed. I'm an MSII, and I regret nothing more than getting married. I tried to get divorced just before I started med school, and basically got convinced to give it a try (i.e., she cried enough that I gave up and said okay).

Med school is a bitch, and if you want to do well, then you really have to spend a ton of time at it. Now I spend all my time away from home, and I find myself constantly wanting nothing more than to get divorced and focus on my career. It's incredibly selfish, yes, but it's the truth. I resent my wife on a daily basis for taking time that I desperately need in order to keep up with things, and that's not going to change. In fact, it's only going to get worse.

I can't write much more in any sort of rational fashion, because I'm drowning my sorrows in rum right now, so typing is kind of difficult. Here's my advice: either go into an easy, non-competitive field (e.g., family medicine, internal medicine, psychiatry, etc.) or plan on performing at 100% of your capacity, which means ignoring other distractors, including your significant others.

Maybe that's just me, though. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a selfish bastard.

 

[Shmoe]

My guess is that you're going to be so insanely busy in med school anyway that you're not going to have much time to worry about your social life a whole lot.

Depends on your goals. Lots of people at my school piss away their time on a regular basis. If you want to be competitive, then you're right. If you want to go into pediatrics, then you've got all the time in the world.

going to be a terrible drain to you. Breaking it off will be a huge weight off of your shoulders and and it will free you up to be a better student.

Don't I know it. I wish I'd broken it off ages ago. I tried. She's a stubborn one...

Why not make med school a fresh start? You have a chance to get involved in a whole new community, and meet new people, and get started on a new direction in your life.

Excellent idea. Excellent. I couldn't agree more.

The breakup will smart a little at first, and you'll feel lonely at first, but I'm also betting you're going to be savoring your freedom and you won't really be anxious to jump right into another relationship right away, anyway.

More good advice, totally true. Although a hook-up here and there wouldn't be bad (speaking from the phallo-centric male point of view), you don't have much time for "relationships" in med school. That said, a lot of my classmates have hooked up. Crazy bastards.

In my case, I'm contemplating a divorce

Me, too. Wish I had the guts.

and believe me, hooking up is the LAST thing on my mind.

It's high on my list, but I'm kind of an dingus, so that's a different story.

Also, it's not fair to *her* either, to drag this out any longer if your heart has really gone out of it.

That, in the end, will probably be my impetus for ending it. I'm one selfish SOB, but there's a limit to how long I can string her along. I've got to let her go eventually.

Breaking it off - sooner, not later - is really the kindest thing you could do for both of you. Just get it over with.

God, I wish it were that easy.

Now is the *perfect* time to break up.

I agree. And for god's sake, DON'T GET MARRIED!! One of my classmates got married recently, and now he's wondering why he can't get any work done, why his wife is such a time-sink, why he can't do as well in school as he did before. I'm skeptical of getting married during residency, too, but if you at least wait until after med school, I think that you'll be better off. Med school is a major adjustment, for sure.

Hope that helps.

It will, for people who are able to listen. A lot of us are stuck in relationships that we don't have the guts to get out of. It's pure cowardice, to be honest. If I could handle the guilt of saying "it's over," I'd be divorced. Instead, I just spend a lot of my time fantasizing.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

[thirdunity]

Shmoe,

Your situation is a good example of why SDNStud needs to break up with his girlfriend *now*... before he ends up in *your* shoes.

Regarding the partner being a timesink -
Someone who pulls their own weight, shouldn't be.

Don't I know it.

My partner is a huge timesink - not because he demands attention (he's a loner, and pretty self-contained, and capable of entertaining himself) but because he doesn't pull his weight in the relationship in almost any respect except for money. He doesn't initiate anything. He basically needs a full-time housewife/maid/chef.

I'm not a med student yet - but I can't even handle being a full time student as *undergrad* while living with my husband. One of the reasons we can't live together, is that he is a total slob, I'm not a great housekeeper myself, and he has anxiety issues about having a maid in.

It sounds like a petty reason to break it off - it's the tip of the iceberg, and symptomatic of larger issues. Another issue is that we've only been together two years but our relationship became almost totally platonic after we moved in together; I feel too young to settle for a relationship where there is no sexual/emotional chemistry.

But the "he doesn't pull his own weight around the house" issue is still almost a reason by itself. I can't deal with my *own* mess and *his* besides. And I can't study in a house that's in this condition.

I'm able to live with being a slob as long as I'm living alone. At least living alone, I only have *my* mess to deal with, which means it's half the mess.

And I don't have a problem having a maid/my mom/etc in to clean. When I lived alone, friends and I often had an arrangement to come in and clean each other's apartments; this worked very well. For a while, I had a roommate who got a reduction in rent because she kept the place clean, and did half of the cooking.

So yes. When it's just me - I have "workarounds" that I can use. But together, we can get nothing done.

More good advice, totally true. Although a hook-up here and there wouldn't be bad (speaking from the phallo-centric male point of view), you don't have much time for "relationships" in med school. That said, a lot of my classmates have hooked up. Crazy bastards.

I think I'd like to just date for a while, and stay unattached, but given I'll be in my mid to late thirties by the time I enter med school, and it'll possibly be four or more years off the market (between being busy, and being non-traditional-age), I think I wouldn't mind settling into a relationship beforehand. A woman in her late thirties to early fourties picking people up for brief flings, starts to paint a pretty pathetic picture. But I'd rather stay single than be in the wrong relationship.

Whoever I end up with either has to be reasonably neat. Or at least willing to have a maid come in. I know I'm making a big deal out of housekeeping. But it IS a big deal.

It's high on my list, but I'm kind of an dingus, so that's a different story.

I just don't want to jump from the frying pan into the fire, as they say. I want a chance to be on my own a while and get independent and emotionally stable before getting involved with anyone. I'd date for fun, but as a woman, that leads to trouble, too.

I didn't do very well in school as a single person - my mate gives me a lot of backup and motivation. Plus I have a built-in source of social contact, so I am not having to devote days of the week to going "out of house" to get non-work/non-school related social contact.

Unfortunately the relationship has other issues. Basically we are finding out we are better friends than partners. We were friends for 15 years before we got together. Marrying, just ruined a good platonic friendship. We have a very good platonic dynamic, and trying to add non-platonic stuff to it just makes it feel fakey and artificial. We already have "old married" vibes (very little chemistry) even though we've only been together as a couple for two years.
We are getting along pretty well now that we've decided to separate.

I agree. And for god's sake, DON'T GET MARRIED!! One of my classmates got married recently, and now he's wondering why he can't get any work done, why his wife is such a time-sink, why he can't do as well in school as he did before. I'm skeptical of getting married during residency, too, but if you at least wait until after med school, I think that you'll be better off. Med school is a major adjustment, for sure.

Many women are emotionally very high-maintenance. I'm bi so I know this. I'm also female so I know this.

Regarding waiting until after med school or residency to get married, that's probably good advice for most med students, but in my case, it's only fine as long as I want to be celibate until I'm 45. Again, I'm a non-traditional age student (31, going to community college). Having to put off partnering/family at this age starts feeling like a cruel stab in the heart. Fortunately, I am not really interested in having kids, so there's not *that* huge a rush.

A lot of us are stuck in relationships that we don't have the guts to get out of. It's pure cowardice, to be honest. If I could handle the guilt of saying "it's over," I'd be divorced. Instead, I just spend a lot of my time fantasizing.

Getting into counseling helped a lot for us, helped us to admit to each other that we loved each other, but that it just wasn't working. Things got much more honest after that point. Maybe a counselor would help you guys. The counselor helped me to tell my partner that I wanted out, and provided an environment where he was able to listen, and express what about the relationship wasn't working for him, as well. If I had tried on my own to explain this, there would have been an awful, tearful scene and just more game-playing.

Strangely, now that we've decided to split up, we get along great. I wish we could stay together but be "friends with benefits" and not have to live together - strangely we have the "benefits" more now that we've decided to split up, than we did when we were married. Unfortunately you can't really backpedal a relationship.

I am very glad to have been married. I learned a lot. I think I have grown up about dating and relationships, since being married.

I learned that relationships don't have to be forever. That being in relationship - at its best - is like being alone, only with someone there. If you're not a happy person to begin with, having another person around doesn't change it.

Of course, it makes sense to seek a relationship where it at least has lasting/growing potential - especially if you want a home/family. But I no longer have trouble letting go of something that isn't working. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work.

I used to be such a drama-queen about breakups.

I think sometimes people hold onto people because it feels "safe". Safe isn't safe. I married someone who was "safe". Safe is stifling. Relationships aren't supposed to be "safe". They're supposed to be dynamic, organic, things that change and grow.

Being in jail is solitary confinement is also pretty safe... for everything but your mind.