I never actually wanted to be a dentist. When I was young, my Asian parents enforced the importance of getting good grades. They would always get extra help (tutors) for my brothers and I, even when we did not need it. I excelled in my class and consistently got top marks because it made me feel proud of myself (I was not good at any sports, unlike my brothers, so academia become a focus point, the thing that I worked hard in and excelled). When I was in my senior year of high school, I did not know what I wanted to do. My parents pushed me to pursue dentistry and they searched up accelerated dental programs for me to apply. Since I didn't know what i wanted to do, I applied to them and got into one. During my second year of undergraduate, I realized that I did not want to become a dentist and became depressed and began having suicidal thoughts. I seeked out my school's counselor and I would see her once a week to talk about how I'm feeling and such. Towards the end of my second year, I prepared a 'speech' that I would recite to my parents over the summer, detailing why I did not want to be a dentist. I was excited because I felt like I would be able to change my life and open their eyes. Lo and behold, my speech did absolutely nothing. I resorted to telling them that I was depressed and suicidal because of the program. Telling them that I was depressed and suicidal was huge as parents and I are not close emotionally at all. They are supportive physically (shelter, clothing, food), but when it comes to emotional support, they are a wall. When my younger brother cried because my mother signed him up for volunteer activities during a school break, she laughed at him. She would also constantly criticize my weight, like when I'm ordering a pasta dish at a restaurants, she would loudly ask if that was a good idea because pasta is fatty. My brothers and I never talk about feelings and such with them. Back to the speech, my mother stated that the depression wasn't due to me not wanting to become a dentist, but something else. She criticized me for not being grateful to have the opportunity to become a dentist and admonished me for having a weak mind and stated that I should exercise more as it helps the mind. When asked what I was going to do instead, I was not able to offer an answer, because I did not know what I wanted to do. I began to break down, as since I didn't want them to see me break down, I ran off and cried in the bathroom. I spoke to my counselor the same night who was able to calm me before I did something drastic. I forgot to add that my schooling and room is paid for by my parents, who constantly remind me how I should not waste their money. This is huge as it is one of the biggest factors that made me stop from dropping out of the program, amongst others. To be honest, if I had to take out loans or pay for school myself, I would have never gone to dental school. Forgot to add that my parents are a doctor and a dentist too, so there's the expectation of taking over the practice too.
I returned to the program in the fall and the depression and suicidal thoughts were severe enough for my counselor to make an appointment with a psychiatrist for me. I began to take anti-depressants and when my parents found out about it, they did not like it, but according to them, if it was helping me to become a dentist, then I should continue taking it. By this time, I fell in love with film and would voraciously watch films everyday while at school. My desire to become a film director was born and it felt right. I genuinely wanted to be a film director and actually still want to be a film director, 4 years later. Since I didn't have the courage or fight to confront my parents again, whenever I came home for a school break, I would constantly remind them (in a joking manner) that I did not want to become a dentist. They would laugh it off. One time, I mentioned how I wanted to become a film director and they said that I could pursue that as a hobby after I become a dentist. I took a film production class in the summer of my third year and loved it.
The following year, I began dental school and hated it from the outset. Unfortunately, I asked a friend to room with me. The friend asked me if I was planning on going to dental school for the full four years to which I replied yes. I have thought about dropping out numerous times, but felt like I owed it to my roommate, as I was the one who asked him to room with me. Having him helped me (to my detriment) as it make dental school bearable as I had someone to compete with academically and clinically. He always outperformed me, so I would work hard to keep up with him. The competition helped me get through the first year. The second year, the thought that I was more than halfway done dental school helped me. The third year, when I began to actually see patients, I hated it. I hated putting on a fake smile and interacting with patients. I hated doing cleanings, fillings, dentures, etc. I hated dental school where on top of seeing patients, you have to do lab work, have homework to complete and have exams to study for. I'm a bit of a germaphobe, so dentistry was a nightmare. I was dying day by day. I felt dead during dental school. I kept it all in though. I would often get searing depression and would constantly keep myself busy with movies, so that I would not remind myself about how I will regret this decision for the rest of my life. I knew that I would regret this decision since I was in undergrad but felt helpless as I felt that my parents would disown me if drop out of the program and pursue film. During the speech, my mother stated how it is possible that I did not want to become a dentist if I never actually did dentistry. Lo and behold, I was performing dentistry and was thinking about killing myself when I was with patients.
Now, I am in my third year of dental school and have a year and 2 months left of dental school. I know that it is best if I finish dental school, but I am just so depressed. Today, I broke down when I was with a patient after getting yelled at by the lead doctor. I know that if I do finish dental school, I would feel obliged to become a dentist or else all that time in dental school would go to waste. I am thinking about working as a dentist for a year after dental school and going to film school after. But if I do go to graduate film school (which I think is a full-time program), I wouldn't be able to perform dentistry and the hand skills I acquired would be lost. Unless I work on the weekends and during school break, but I'm not sure which dental office would allow me to do that.
I don't know what to do. Any advice?
