help! matriculation emergency!

[lynnier79]

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hey guys,

ive been lurking on this site for a while now, and sometimes give a comment of two regarding a number of issues. now i have an issue and need a little help.

For the past year my husband and i have been trying to coordinate our entry into medical school (me for MD/PhD and him for MD only). since he is from the state A the University of A was his first choice. i got in there back in december, and my partner has been in limbo for a long time. about a month and a half ago i went down there for an md/phd second look type of thing, mainly with the goal of schmoozing some higher-ups and dropping his name a bit. at that time i left with the knowledge that he would be in the waitlist. thats an improvement over last year, when he was flat out rejected. since we hadnt heard too much from them we pretty much went to plan b, which was to go to school B, out west, where i had been accepted. i would start now, and andy would apply this year and start (g-d willing he gets in) next year. we had gotten much positive feedback from school B about his potential acceptability. the dean of admissions there had been very kind to us, had looked over his application, had given it to members of his committee, etc, and all signs point to "yes."

now im in a bind. a big bind. my husband has gotten in to state school A. i should be thrilled -- jumping off the walls -- excited beyond belief. this is, as we have said so many times, everything we have ever wanted. right?

im miserable. over the past couple of months, the more i talked to school A, the more i went there and schmoozed with people, the more i didnt like it. i dont know what exactly is turning me off, whether its the old-style 8-5 teaching style, the competetiveness i feel in the halls, the fact that its in an undesirable location, the lack of organization and support in the MD/PhD program and school B is in our favourite city of all time (though i realize that shouldnt count) or what, but i just didnt get a good feeling about the place. i didnt really bring this up, as i thought all the schmoozing i was doing would eventually amount ot nothing and it wouldnt matter. but i guess not. we are so lucky to have a chance to go to school together, but every time i think about actually going to school A my eyes cloud over. I just dont like it there.

i dont know what to do. my priority in all of this has been to be with my husband. now that we can be together im finding myself so unhappy. it just doesnt make sense.

not to mention that we have organized a house in the west, a moving van, a storage unit and i have spent the past 2 weeks packing our house. ive chosen a rotation lab there for the summer, and started getting organized with that stuff. but i dont think my unhappiness stems solely from what i would consider a "fear of change in plans." its deeper than that.

i wish there was some way to get school b to give him some assurance. i suppose that they cant, legally, and that the positive feedback that they have given us already is all they can do. but if he knew he was going to get in to school b we would go there and both be happy. its the uncertainty that he cant live with anymore, and truthfully, i cant blame him. but i dont want to regret this decision. i want to be happy, too. and apparently, for me, being happy means going to school B, but we would be crazy not to take the offer of certainty that is being presented by school A.

im not sure why im bothering you all with this. i think, mainly, i was hoping for ideas and an ear from someone who is not as invested in this as i am, or as my family is. im having a particularly hard time looking at this from the "outside" of the situation, and i need a little help. cna you think of any way that we can work this out? id be grateful

lynnie

 

[LADoc00]

hey guys,

ive been lurking on this site for a while now, and sometimes give a comment of two regarding a number of issues. now i have an issue and need a little help.

For the past year my husband and i have been trying to coordinate our entry into medical school (me for MD/PhD and him for MD only). since he is from the state A the University of A was his first choice. i got in there back in december, and my partner has been in limbo for a long time. about a month and a half ago i went down there for an md/phd second look type of thing, mainly with the goal of schmoozing some higher-ups and dropping his name a bit. at that time i left with the knowledge that he would be in the waitlist. thats an improvement over last year, when he was flat out rejected. since we hadnt heard too much from them we pretty much went to plan b, which was to go to school B, out west, where i had been accepted. i would start now, and andy would apply this year and start (g-d willing he gets in) next year. we had gotten much positive feedback from school B about his potential acceptability. the dean of admissions there had been very kind to us, had looked over his application, had given it to members of his committee, etc, and all signs point to "yes."

now im in a bind. a big bind. my husband has gotten in to state school A. i should be thrilled -- jumping off the walls -- excited beyond belief. this is, as we have said so many times, everything we have ever wanted. right?

im miserable. over the past couple of months, the more i talked to school A, the more i went there and schmoozed with people, the more i didnt like it. i dont know what exactly is turning me off, whether its the old-style 8-5 teaching style, the competetiveness i feel in the halls, the fact that its in an undesirable location, the lack of organization and support in the MD/PhD program and school B is in our favourite city of all time (though i realize that shouldnt count) or what, but i just didnt get a good feeling about the place. i didnt really bring this up, as i thought all the schmoozing i was doing would eventually amount ot nothing and it wouldnt matter. but i guess not. we are so lucky to have a chance to go to school together, but every time i think about actually going to school A my eyes cloud over. I just dont like it there.

i dont know what to do. my priority in all of this has been to be with my husband. now that we can be together im finding myself so unhappy. it just doesnt make sense.

not to mention that we have organized a house in the west, a moving van, a storage unit and i have spent the past 2 weeks packing our house. ive chosen a rotation lab there for the summer, and started getting organized with that stuff. but i dont think my unhappiness stems solely from what i would consider a "fear of change in plans." its deeper than that.

i wish there was some way to get school b to give him some assurance. i suppose that they cant, legally, and that the positive feedback that they have given us already is all they can do. but if he knew he was going to get in to school b we would go there and both be happy. its the uncertainty that he cant live with anymore, and truthfully, i cant blame him. but i dont want to regret this decision. i want to be happy, too. and apparently, for me, being happy means going to school B, but we would be crazy not to take the offer of certainty that is being presented by school A.

im not sure why im bothering you all with this. i think, mainly, i was hoping for ideas and an ear from someone who is not as invested in this as i am, or as my family is. im having a particularly hard time looking at this from the "outside" of the situation, and i need a little help. cna you think of any way that we can work this out? id be grateful

lynnie

Christ thats a huge message! All this school A school B stuff I thought I was taking the GRE just skimming it.

 

[lynnier79]

what a constructive and helpful reply. thanks so much for taking the time to compose that.

is that you way of saying i am too lucky to be allowed to worry? i suppose that is one way to put it, but not a very gentle one.

 

[LADoc00]

what a constructive and helpful reply. thanks so much for taking the time to compose that.

is that you way of saying i am too lucky to be allowed to worry? i suppose that is one way to put it, but not a very gentle one.

No that was my way of saying be more concise for the love of God!

And yes there is no point in worrying because odds are (like better than 50:50) you are gonna get a divorce before the whole med training thing is over anyway, so why stress?

 

[tlew12778]

I think the only thing you can do it wait. When will they let applicants know by? If he doesn't get in, then you have a few choices assuming he does not get into school B:

1) You go to school B and he goes to school A... that might mean being long distance though...
2) You both go to school A, you risk being unhappy, but at least you will be together
3) You go to school B, he holds off matriculating for a year and either re-applies or applies to other schools in the general vicinity and matriculates there.

Overall I think you both need to be happy with your choices. It's one thing if you're just not thrilled with a school but can get a decent education there, but if you feel like you would be compromising the quality of your education, I wouldn't settle.

 

[Cuteasaurus]

Just so I'm clear... he didn't apply to the school out west this year? Or he did and was rejected? And, what was he planning on doing for a year if school B was the decision and he didnt' get in to A?

 

[velouria]

i'm going to surprise myself and say go to state school A. usually i'm all for heart over head, which would make school B your best choice, except that *your* heart is also with your husband. the state school offers both of you a chance to fulfill your goals. it might not be perfect, but what would happen if you went to school B and your husband didn't get in there ever?? do you think he would resent the choice, your career, you? especially with him getting flat out rejected before, it would seem that maybe his application isn't the strongest.
try to look at it from 15-20 years down the road. you'll be an md/phd and he'll be a practicing md -- which is exactly what you want! it won't matter so much where you got the degree...school is what you make of it anyway. if it's a US school it can't suck that bad so you'll get an education you can build from.
i just think that if you plan on being with your husband forever, which i assume you do, then your best choice is the state school. i'm sure that's not what you want to hear but you have to decide what your priorities are. to me, it would seem the marriage should come first especially since you still get to pursue your dream.
you could also try to put yourself in his shoes. hypothetically, what if he asked you to give up your md/phd slot at school and apply again to, say, an east coast program where he had been accepted. that's a lot of uncertainty, and it means giving up something that you've worked really hard for. from that perspective, does it seem worth it?
good luck with your decision. i'm sure it's not an easy one. but in your situation the "worst" scenario is really not that bad...

 

[llort]

two doctors? who is going to raise the kids? sounds like someone will be bitter either way: if you go to school A, you will be bitter, if you go to school B, your husband will be bitter. I would say go where you want to, and if he doesnt follow you, then dump him. you only live once, you might as well make yourself happy.

 

[heech]

I agree with velouria. School is just temporary, and you can deal with the sort of mild annoyance you're describing here.

What happens 10 years from now, if you end up in a hospital/practice where your superior happens to be a real jerk who enjoys making your life unhappy? Are you going to insist that the family is uprooted for some other uncertain opportunity that's not quite as annoying?

Remember the *purpose of work*. Take some time out, and ponder whether you work so you can enjoy life.. or you live so that you can enjoy work. I, personally, make work decisions on the impact they'll make on my personal life first and foremost.

 

[fourthyearmed]

Med school is med school. You'll be with your husband, you'll make new friends, you'll be a doctor. Try and remember how many people are dying for an acceptance to just one school. Your complaining about having to choose between two schools is silly.

 

[saiyagirl]

i think it's silly that you are scolding the OP for worrying about a decision that almost every woman and most men worry about at some point: career vs. family, is what it really boils down to. it's certainly not a trivial concern, and you will realize it when you get there. Telling someone "it could be worse" is just about the worst advice ever!

OP: if your husband gets accepted to school B, would he be willing to go? it sounds like he is, so your story still could have a completely happy ending. if not, you and your husband have to decide what is more important: getting your medical training at the places that are best for you as individuals, even if it means being apart for at least 4 years? or is it staying in the same place so you can be together, regardless of where you are both training?

it is a question only the two of you can answer and really, no one on this board can answer it for you. there is really no "right" answer. i know several medical students who are living away from their husbands d/t career choices (he can't move, she didn't get into school where he is, etc), and they are doing okay because they are confident in their relationships, in their decision, and they make it a point to see each other as much as possible. I know others who gave up cush schools to be with their men. My best friend did this, and she worried about the decision for a long time as she wasn't nearly as thrilled with "school A", just like you. but her priority was to live in the same city as her man, so ultimately she was happy (and in the end, enjoyed med school better than she thought she would).

Bottom line: your happiness lies with your priority. you have to talk it out with your husband and go from there. it's a tough decision, but couples before you have done it and are happy....good luck!

 

[heisman32]

I will give you my opinion, and you can take it and $4.50 and buy some coffee at Starbucks. I personally would go to School A. Medical School is not an extremely pleasant experience anyway (at least not the first 2 years), so it would be worth the unhappiness to see you and your spouse achieve your goals. If you choose to go to School B, although you have recieved positive feedback, there is no gaurantee that your spouse will get accepted the following year. That is a risk that I would not want to take...not only would it cause inconvenience by having to wait another year, I think he would end up resenting you for not going to the school where he was gauranteed acceptance. Ultimately the choice is yours, but that is my 2 cents.

 

[jamie]

First of all, congrats on your acceptances. Second, here are my experiences... The college I went to was not my first choice -- I got a substantial scholarship, and my first choice was way to expensive. I was kind of dreading going to the school I went to, but ended up loving it (I met my husband there) and never regretting it. I did not go to my first choice med school (again, too expensive), but went to another, just fine, med school that offered me a substantial scholarship (I'm a scholarship *****, apparently). Again, I loved it, never regretted, and have substantially less debt. Now, for residency, I am going to the place I ranked #1, which wasn't the program I liked best, but it is in the city we liked best. I'm a little concerned, but I figure I'll be fine.

Now, you're probably wondering what the hell this has to do with you. My experiences have been that I end up being perfectly happy wherever I end up, regardless of my previous feelings about places. It's hard to fight the gut instinct, but it's also hard to judge some place after 1 or 2 visits. I'm not suggesting one over the other, just offering my two cents. And, to be a hopeless romantic, regardless of where I've been, my husband has been with me, so it's never been that bad. And if I hate my residency, I can blame him, bc he picked the city 😉

 

[jennie 21]

As another married person who is also attending medical school alongside my spouse, I'd say pick School A. Being together should be the priority IMO. I don't know about you, but I really can't imagine a long-distance marriage for four years--especially four years as busy as medical school. If you HAD to do it because the two of you didn't get into any place near to each other, well, that would be one thing, but to choose it when you have the option of being together at another school (albeit a second choice) doesn't make much sense. If you go to School B he'll have to wait another year cooling his heels while you're in med school, which could be stressful, but more importantly there's the chance that he may not get into School B next year. In which case, he'll probably resent you for not choosing School A. I just can't see giving up a sure chance to go to med school in the same city for the uncertain possibility of going to a school you like better (but which your husband may not get into at all).

Med school is med school. I don't think it really makes that much difference where you go, and first impressions are just that. As long as State School A is academically decent, I'd go for that. I didn't get into my first or second choice college and ended up going to my third choice (Princeton) which I'd had a very negative impression of when I initially visited. I ended up loving it there and that's where I met my husband. I think it's hard to say how you'll like a school until you're actually there, you might like School A better than you think and it's certainly better than a)attending medical school long-distance from each other (you take School B, he takes School A) or b)him waiting a year, applying to School B, and possibly getting rejected. That would just flat-out suck for both of you, especially him. My opinion is this is one of those situations in marriage where you have to take one for the team and do what's best for both of you, not what's best for you individually but (potentially) bad for your husband and for your marriage. I realize you think he has a good shot at getting into School B, and I guess it depends somewhat on just how good a shot you think he's got...but if he's been rejected one application cycle and just got into his state school off the waitlist the second, it sounds like he may not be the strongest candidate, and maybe you shouldn't count on him getting into School B. Look at the worst-case scenarios for both situations, talk to your husband about what he wants to do, then decide together. You both should have equal say in this decision as it affects both of your futures, but his worst-case scenario (not getting into School B and potentially not getting to go to med school at all, or you guys having to go to med schools in different places and be long-distance for four years) is a lot worse than your worst-case scenario (getting your M.D./PhD from a school you may not prefer). If I were in your shoes, I'd pick School A. It seems like the best thing for the two of you overall. School B could have a happy ending, but what if it doesn't?

 

[venez]

LADoc00--you are so cynical i have noticed in most of your posts--i love it. it is almost refreshing.

 

[johnk]

If I were you I would follow the course regardless of what your gutt tells you.

"Nothing is over until we decide it is!"

 

[fourthyearmed]

What pre-meds don't understand is that once you get in med school and residency it really doesn't matter what school you went to. As pre-meds we all get caught up in being the best. Then you get to med school and you're there with 100 other people who have always been the best as well. Out of these 4.0 college students must come the people who make B's, C's, and even F's. When my friends and I made our rank lists for residency, we didn't rank according to prestige, we ranked according to where we'd be happiest which usually meant closest to family and friends or where their spouse could also get a residency spot also or a job. I can't imagine how you would be willing to shoulder the guilt if your husband has to turn down an acceptance which could end up being the only acceptance he ever gets. If your career is more important than your husband then take the spot at the school you love. If I had a husband who did something like that to me, I'd never forgive them. You should be celebrating his acceptance! As someone who got into a state school off the waitlist a month before time to start classes, I think you are being selfish. Plus you can't really tell what a school is like until you're there yourself.