I just made the biggest mistake of my life.

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doctorwhy493

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I'm a rising junior at Harvard University and recently finished my spring semester. Organic Chemistry was one of the courses I took. I have a 3.78 cumulative GPA, with a 3.43 science GPA.

Now, you might be asking why there is such a huge difference between the two. And I'm going to tell you.

I made a C in Organic Chemistry after a showdown with my mortal enemy (a.k.a. the professor) who for confidentiality purposes will be named Dr. Smapdi.

I had an A in the course up until finals. But during finals week, I experienced a family dilemma. I should take the time to mention that my dog is recovering from a gambling addiction that shed many wasted years from his life. My mother has chronic diarrhea, and my brother read Shakespeare once and thinks of himself as the great Hamlet, often digging up skulls in our backyard and naming them all Yorick. My (adopted) sister is a funnel cake. None of them are doctors or pre-med students. I am a lone wolf.

Long story short, my dog ate my sister, and our family spent weeks coping with this tragedy. I cried a total of three times and only slept twenty minutes a week. My brother stopped digging up skulls. My mother still had chronic diarrhea.

I tried to set aside as much time as possible to prepare for the final exam, but the day of, I could tell failure was in my imminent future. The timer started, and I looked at the first question.

This wasn't organic chemistry, man. It was hieroglyphics.

Unsure of how to cope with a disastrous grade in the moment, I stood up and belched the infamous tune "Once in a Lifetime" by the Talking Heads; I have a habit of acting strangely when I am under pressure. My professor was not pleased with the distraction, and ordered me to leave the room.

I wasn't going to take it. I charged at him, complete with two arms and two legs. He grabbed me and tossed me to the back of the room — I could have sworn my scream sounded like Mario's — and I landed quite unpleasantly in the lobby. I broke my arm and one of my cheekbones, but decided not to sue the school. Too much paperwork, after all, and I'm a pre-med student, not a pre-author student. In exchange for this, Dr. Smapdi passed me with a C.

Back to the main point. With a 3.43 science GPA, is MD still attainable, or should I shoot for DO? I have plenty of extracurriculars (300+ hours at a spa, 135+ hours on Minecraft, and 500+ hours of passionate laundry) and shadowing (400+ hours with a taxidermist). I have not started studying for the MCAT, but will take it in a week and expect at least a 520.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

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You should drop out of Harvard and transfer to community college. Then you should get into med school no problem.
 
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Please give me back the 3 minutes I spent reading this.
 
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11/10 trolling mate. :troll:
 
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Wtf did I just read?
 
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You should drop out of Harvard and transfer to community college. Then you should get into med school no problem.

Really? I'm here on a full scholarship due to extenuating edible family circumstances. Worked hard to get here, bro.
 
Your GPA isn't horrid, and being at Harvard will give you some leniency. Just do your best to nail the rest of your classes.
 
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I think you might want to go back to the doctor and get a CT head
 
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You're doomed. But SGU has a spot for you!

;)
:clap:


I'm a rising junior at Harvard University and recently finished my spring semester. Organic Chemistry was one of the courses I took. I have a 3.78 cumulative GPA, with a 3.43 science GPA.

Now, you might be asking why there is such a huge difference between the two. And I'm going to tell you.

I made a C in Organic Chemistry after a showdown with my mortal enemy (a.k.a. the professor) who for confidentiality purposes will be named Dr. Smapdi.

I had an A in the course up until finals. But during finals week, I experienced a family dilemma. I should take the time to mention that my dog is recovering from a gambling addiction that shed many wasted years from his life. My mother has chronic diarrhea, and my brother read Shakespeare once and thinks of himself as the great Hamlet, often digging up skulls in our backyard and naming them all Yorick. My (adopted) sister is a funnel cake. None of them are doctors or pre-med students. I am a lone wolf.

Long story short, my dog ate my sister, and our family spent weeks coping with this tragedy. I cried a total of three times and only slept twenty minutes a week. My brother stopped digging up skulls. My mother still had chronic diarrhea.

I tried to set aside as much time as possible to prepare for the final exam, but the day of, I could tell failure was in my imminent future. The timer started, and I looked at the first question.

This wasn't organic chemistry, man. It was hieroglyphics.

Unsure of how to cope with a disastrous grade in the moment, I stood up and belched the infamous tune "Once in a Lifetime" by the Talking Heads; I have a habit of acting strangely when I am under pressure. My professor was not pleased with the distraction, and ordered me to leave the room.

I wasn't going to take it. I charged at him, complete with two arms and two legs. He grabbed me and tossed me to the back of the room — I could have sworn my scream sounded like Mario's — and I landed quite unpleasantly in the lobby. I broke my arm and one of my cheekbones, but decided not to sue the school. Too much paperwork, after all, and I'm a pre-med student, not a pre-author student. In exchange for this, Dr. Smapdi passed me with a C.

Back to the main point. With a 3.43 science GPA, is MD still attainable, or should I shoot for DO? I have plenty of extracurriculars (300+ hours at a spa, 135+ hours on Minecraft, and 500+ hours of passionate laundry) and shadowing (400+ hours with a taxidermist). I have not started studying for the MCAT, but will take it in a week and expect at least a 520.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.
 
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At first I thought there were too many typos, then I realized

Troll-Meme-03.jpg
 
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yawn. christ I have low standards but this was so bad
 
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Please give me back the 3 minutes I spent reading this.
No. What? This isn't trolling, it's just pointless nothingness.

OP's essay could actually be a lot worse than this piece, and that's saying something.

So I'm in the last steps of polishing my personal statement, but I got really frustrated with it tonight because I felt like it didn't sound enough like me. To give myself a little break, I typed up this quick, lighthearted "personal statement." If you were an adcom member, what would you think after reading it?


I want to become a doctor because I couldn’t imagine doing anything else. No other job that I know of requires the unique blend of skills and characteristics and presents the same challenges that medicine does. I want to work with people, with the human body. Well then I could be a nurse or a physical therapist, but neither of those professions has the responsibility of leadership leadership requirements that is placed on a doctor. The physician is the leader of the healthcare team and sets the standard for the patient care experience. And I’m a fan-****ing-tastic leader. I’ll get bitches to follow me anywhere because I don’t just walk around blindly with my head up my ass. I also want to work in medicine because of the variety of the work. Could you imagine being at a desk, filing taxes or doing accounting all day? Hell no, you’d shoot yourself out of boredom; that’s why you’re sitting here, reading my personal statement as a doctor, not as a financial analyst. I couldn’t imagine having a boring cubicle job where it’s the same **** day in and day out. Oh, did I mention that I’m smart as ****? I know my GPA doesn’t say that, but have you seen my MCAT score? It was in the 97th percentile. Shoot, if that’s not impressive, I don’t know what is. So really, all my GPA says is that I was lazy in college. But that’s because I was bored. I mean, who cares about quantum mechanics from physical chemistry or all that crap from organic chemistry? Nobody, that’s who. But I’ll tell you what I do care about: the mother****ing human body. And let me tell you, I will study the **** out of the human body. It’s so interesting. And that means I won’t be bored. And that means I’ll actually try in class. And that means my grades won’t suck ass like they did in undergrad. Medicine is like solving puzzles for a living. And who doesn’t love puzzles? I love puzzles, especially when it’s a different one every day! I love using my brain and solving problems. I’m a problem solver. The first draft of my personal statement was boring as ****. Problem. But now I’m writing this bomb-ass statement. Problem solved. I want to be like House (although not as much of an dingus as him) and use my head to solve people’s problems. I mean, yeah, I’ll care about my patients and spend time actually connecting with them and listening to their concerns and stuff. That’s a given. Because in addition to being smart, I’m also friendly as ****. I’m not awkward like a lot of smart people you meet (ahem, engineers.) I was a great IT worker because I wasn’t some Doritos-eating, Mountain Dew-drinking neckbeard mouthbreather. I was a genuine, living, breathing human being with a fairly sizeable smattering of social skills. I’m funny, I’m kind, I’m genuine, I’m empathetic, (feel free to stop reading whenever you want, I don’t want you thinking too highly of me), I’m caring, I’m enthusiastic, I’m determined, I’m driven, I’m ballsy...and finally, I’m cute as ****. All the ladies will want me to be their doctor.

So take me, or regret it forever. Well, you don’t know me, so you probably don’t give two ****s. But take my word for it, you’ll rue the day you let [name] slip through your fingers. And you’ll make me go cry my eyes out in some dark basement somewhere. And you’re a doctor. The Hippocratic Oath doesn’t permit you to hurt people like that.
 
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I'm all for satire but that's not even good satire.

Here's some good satire (you won't get it unless you play MTG but it's the best recent example I've read that I can think of at the moment.)

Or you can try and find that Pandabear's PS statement. That's more related to this forum.
 
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I, for one, can appreciate a good tale, my gentlesir. I recommend you apply to carribean med school for pirates post haste! Your sweet words tickled my bosom and my fancies! Good day?!
 
I'm a rising junior at Harvard University and recently finished my spring semester. Organic Chemistry was one of the courses I took. I have a 3.78 cumulative GPA, with a 3.43 science GPA.

Now, you might be asking why there is such a huge difference between the two. And I'm going to tell you.

I made a C in Organic Chemistry after a showdown with my mortal enemy (a.k.a. the professor) who for confidentiality purposes will be named Dr. Smapdi.

I had an A in the course up until finals. But during finals week, I experienced a family dilemma. I should take the time to mention that my dog is recovering from a gambling addiction that shed many wasted years from his life. My mother has chronic diarrhea, and my brother read Shakespeare once and thinks of himself as the great Hamlet, often digging up skulls in our backyard and naming them all Yorick. My (adopted) sister is a funnel cake. None of them are doctors or pre-med students. I am a lone wolf.

Long story short, my dog ate my sister, and our family spent weeks coping with this tragedy. I cried a total of three times and only slept twenty minutes a week. My brother stopped digging up skulls. My mother still had chronic diarrhea.

I tried to set aside as much time as possible to prepare for the final exam, but the day of, I could tell failure was in my imminent future. The timer started, and I looked at the first question.

This wasn't organic chemistry, man. It was hieroglyphics.

Unsure of how to cope with a disastrous grade in the moment, I stood up and belched the infamous tune "Once in a Lifetime" by the Talking Heads; I have a habit of acting strangely when I am under pressure. My professor was not pleased with the distraction, and ordered me to leave the room.

I wasn't going to take it. I charged at him, complete with two arms and two legs. He grabbed me and tossed me to the back of the room — I could have sworn my scream sounded like Mario's — and I landed quite unpleasantly in the lobby. I broke my arm and one of my cheekbones, but decided not to sue the school. Too much paperwork, after all, and I'm a pre-med student, not a pre-author student. In exchange for this, Dr. Smapdi passed me with a C.

Back to the main point. With a 3.43 science GPA, is MD still attainable, or should I shoot for DO? I have plenty of extracurriculars (300+ hours at a spa, 135+ hours on Minecraft, and 500+ hours of passionate laundry) and shadowing (400+ hours with a taxidermist). I have not started studying for the MCAT, but will take it in a week and expect at least a 520.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.


I didn't read the bottom and just saw numbers and assumed you were serious, oh my god, this type of thing is what's going to kill me someday.
 
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I hope your dog recovers from its gambling addiction. I've lost a few pets this way.
 
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I'm a rising junior at Harvard University and recently finished my spring semester. Organic Chemistry was one of the courses I took. I have a 3.78 cumulative GPA, with a 3.43 science GPA.

Now, you might be asking why there is such a huge difference between the two. And I'm going to tell you.

I made a C in Organic Chemistry after a showdown with my mortal enemy (a.k.a. the professor) who for confidentiality purposes will be named Dr. Smapdi.

I had an A in the course up until finals. But during finals week, I experienced a family dilemma. I should take the time to mention that my dog is recovering from a gambling addiction that shed many wasted years from his life. My mother has chronic diarrhea, and my brother read Shakespeare once and thinks of himself as the great Hamlet, often digging up skulls in our backyard and naming them all Yorick. My (adopted) sister is a funnel cake. None of them are doctors or pre-med students. I am a lone wolf.

Long story short, my dog ate my sister, and our family spent weeks coping with this tragedy. I cried a total of three times and only slept twenty minutes a week. My brother stopped digging up skulls. My mother still had chronic diarrhea.

I tried to set aside as much time as possible to prepare for the final exam, but the day of, I could tell failure was in my imminent future. The timer started, and I looked at the first question.

This wasn't organic chemistry, man. It was hieroglyphics.

Unsure of how to cope with a disastrous grade in the moment, I stood up and belched the infamous tune "Once in a Lifetime" by the Talking Heads; I have a habit of acting strangely when I am under pressure. My professor was not pleased with the distraction, and ordered me to leave the room.

I wasn't going to take it. I charged at him, complete with two arms and two legs. He grabbed me and tossed me to the back of the room — I could have sworn my scream sounded like Mario's — and I landed quite unpleasantly in the lobby. I broke my arm and one of my cheekbones, but decided not to sue the school. Too much paperwork, after all, and I'm a pre-med student, not a pre-author student. In exchange for this, Dr. Smapdi passed me with a C.

Back to the main point. With a 3.43 science GPA, is MD still attainable, or should I shoot for DO? I have plenty of extracurriculars (300+ hours at a spa, 135+ hours on Minecraft, and 500+ hours of passionate laundry) and shadowing (400+ hours with a taxidermist). I have not started studying for the MCAT, but will take it in a week and expect at least a 520.

Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Uptown_JW_Bruh.jpg
 
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The key to a good satire or parody is for it to be a believable situation with a few exaggerations that draw attention to the ridiculousness of reality. If every point is made outlandishly ridiculous, you end up with Epic Movie and ain't nobody like that pos.

This is why pre-meds need more humanities courses.
 
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I laughed at 2 different posts in this thread. As I said before, if you're going to troll at least be funny. OP, you're ok in my book, especially since Lawper quoted that essay.
 
Long story short, my dog ate my sister, and our family spent weeks coping with this tragedy.

Did you mean poisoned by her enemies?
 
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