Long distance relationships (3rd yr)

[matin]

My BF left for med school in Europe about a month ago. I knew when he went that he would be very busy and that we wouldn't get to talk a lot (especially since calling cards are necessary). In fact, I thought we would only be able to talk once a week and the rest of the communication would be through email. Suprisingly enough, we actually talk about 4 times a week: on the weekends and on Mon and Tues. The problem is now that he doensn't email me except on the weekends. He says he's never in his room to do this and when he does go to his room, he passes out from being tired. My problem is that when I call him, he never has a problem. I'm not complaining about talking to him over the phone, but the lack of emails. I place a lot of importance on them (which I've explained to him repeatedly) but still I get nothing. I told him I wouldn't nag him any more about it, but it upsets me. Anyways, onto my question (esp to those who attend med school in a different country where English is not the first language): is it as difficult as it seems to get internet or is he just being a stubborn a**?

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[Mr. McDuck]

That's not what I hear about 3rd year
Consider yourself lucky b/c NYC to DC is nothing. Cheap, one hour flight.

I'm maintaining a long distance relationship across US. Both of us are in medical school.

You can make this work.

I'll be doing the long-distance thing across the Atlantic. I think NYC to DC isn't that big of a deal.

 

[Mr. McDuck]

My BF left for med school in Europe about a month ago. I knew when he went that he would be very busy and that we wouldn't get to talk a lot (especially since calling cards are necessary). In fact, I thought we would only be able to talk once a week and the rest of the communication would be through email. Suprisingly enough, we actually talk about 4 times a week: on the weekends and on Mon and Tues. The problem is now that he doensn't email me except on the weekends. He says he's never in his room to do this and when he does go to his room, he passes out from being tired. My problem is that when I call him, he never has a problem. I'm not complaining about talking to him over the phone, but the lack of emails. I place a lot of importance on them (which I've explained to him repeatedly) but still I get nothing. I told him I wouldn't nag him any more about it, but it upsets me. Anyways, onto my question (esp to those who attend med school in a different country where English is not the first language): is it as difficult as it seems to get internet or is he just being a stubborn a**?

I think he's just being an idiot. My ex went to Europe for a month, and I talked to her online most days of the week.

 

[msl2007]

It can be hard to get on the internet in europe, but not if he has it in his room or uses it for other things.
And is he making time for other social events but not emailing you?
You could try refusing to call him or to answer your phone and wait for an email. He'll miss you eventually and understadn what you need.

When my BF went to another state for several months he became very bad at calling. It was 3 hours earlier where he was, so he would get home from a movie with roomates at 9pm in his time zone and then call me at midnight in my time zone, even though I had to get up at 6am, and I had asked him to call before the movie, etc.
Well, I fixed the problem by calling him before work. After his roomate woke him at 3am to get the phone (6am my time), he started calling me at a more mutually convenient time. (PS- we are married now.)

 

[Venus21pam]

My BF left for med school in Europe about a month ago. I knew when he went that he would be very busy and that we wouldn't get to talk a lot (especially since calling cards are necessary). In fact, I thought we would only be able to talk once a week and the rest of the communication would be through email. Suprisingly enough, we actually talk about 4 times a week: on the weekends and on Mon and Tues. The problem is now that he doensn't email me except on the weekends. He says he's never in his room to do this and when he does go to his room, he passes out from being tired. My problem is that when I call him, he never has a problem. I'm not complaining about talking to him over the phone, but the lack of emails. I place a lot of importance on them (which I've explained to him repeatedly) but still I get nothing. I told him I wouldn't nag him any more about it, but it upsets me. Anyways, onto my question (esp to those who attend med school in a different country where English is not the first language): is it as difficult as it seems to get internet or is he just being a stubborn a**?

As a matter of fact - it can be quite hard to get internet in certain countries in Europe. But I'm sure it's not about that as you mentioned he has internet in his room.
Maybe he just doesn't like communicating this way?

See I had a similar problem except my husband would refuse to talk on the phone. He would write e-mails, text messages, even chat online, but would not call me or even when I called him he would talk for a few minutes only.
It was very upsetting and frustrating for me to deal with it at first but then I got used to it. We compromised - both of us. He would call me once or twice a week and we would talk for half hour or so and the rest of our communication would be via e-mail or chat.

Maybe your BF is just too tired to type a novel or perhaps he finds it impersonal. Don't get upset over one thing if the rest of your communication is fine and he doesn't seem to be losing interest.

 

[chicamedica]

As a matter of fact - it can be quite hard to get internet in certain countries in Europe. But I'm sure it's not about that as you mentioned he has internet in his room.
Maybe he just doesn't like communicating this way?

See I had a similar problem except my husband would refuse to talk on the phone. He would write e-mails, text messages, even chat online, but would not call me or even when I called him he would talk for a few minutes only.
It was very upsetting and frustrating for me to deal with it at first but then I got used to it. We compromised - both of us. He would call me once or twice a week and we would talk for half hour or so and the rest of our communication would be via e-mail or chat.

Maybe your BF is just too tired to type a novel or perhaps he finds it impersonal. Don't get upset over one thing if the rest of your communication is fine and he doesn't seem to be losing interest.

Some people are more awkward on the phone and feel more comfortable writing, and vice versa. I know i can be pretty awkward on the phone, and thus i keep my conversations to a few minutes unless it's my mom or a really close girl-friend that i'm having a heart to heart with. on the other hand, i've been known to write page long emails to long distance friends.

 

[litebrite]

I would say that this past year has been the hardest on our relationship. My significant other is in his 3rd year, and it's not just a 9-5 job. It's a 7-7. Or a 6a-10p. It depends on the rotation. So I am doing a lot more of the traveling, since my schedule isn't as busy. We try to see each other every other week, or failing that, every 3 weeks. Sometimes I'm lucky and I can come 2 weekends in a row!

(And when I say that my schedule isn't as busy, I mean I'm only in grad school and working full time.) So it does take a toll on me. But I'm glad to see him and to spend time with him.

Granted, we've been together for longer than most people have been married, and it's not the first time in our relationship that one of us has been living in a different city for extended periods of time, but this has absolutely been the crappiest year so far, even though I love my job. Last year I traveled lots but hated my job, but he had more time to be supportive. This year, he literally has less time, and part of me resents that, but part of me understands working 70 hours a week, and that it's my turn to be supportive.

So it's doable, but there has to be a significant amount of trust established. We pretty much don't go a day without at least one phone call (but this is us.) Normal people could probably go a few days. And I know I am really lucky because some of his colleagues don't see their SOs as much, and they live in the same city!

I agree with the previous post about being creative and maybe doing an MPH or research year in her city if this interests you. It's a good way to see her more full-time, and also don't forget that if you guys wind up together, you'll pretty much be asking her to move wherever you match, be it Arkansas to Alaska, and she might not have any job prospects there. also don't forget that if you can make it through M3, you can do away rotations in her city during M4. So give a little to get a little. Our relationship works because at any given point, one of us has been able to be more flexible schedule-wise. I'm prepared to go move to wherever he goes because he's moved for me, and vice versa. It does help that we're getting married next summer before he starts residency though.

For the long term, I think a relationship can only survive if both parties are sacrificing somewhat equivalently or have sacrificed before. But I didn't think of it like this when we were doing it, and I don't think he thought like that either. It's just something I've realized over time that has helped to keep our partnership stable.

Good luck, and stay strong.

 

[litebrite]

I would say that this past year has been the hardest on our relationship. My significant other is in his 3rd year, and it's not just a 9-5 job. It's a 7-7. Or a 6a-10p. It depends on the rotation. So I am doing a lot more of the traveling, since my schedule isn't as busy. We try to see each other every other week, or failing that, every 3 weeks. Sometimes I'm lucky and I can come 2 weekends in a row!

(And when I say that my schedule isn't as busy, I mean I'm only in grad school and working full time.) So it does take a toll on me. But I'm glad to see him and to spend time with him.

Granted, we've been together for longer than most people have been married, and it's not the first time in our relationship that one of us has been living in a different city for extended periods of time, but this has absolutely been the crappiest year so far, even though I love my job. Last year I traveled lots but hated my job, but he had more time to be supportive. This year, he literally has less time, and part of me resents that, but part of me understands working 70 hours a week, and that it's my turn to be supportive.

So it's doable, but there has to be a significant amount of trust established. We pretty much don't go a day without at least one phone call (but this is us.) Normal people could probably go a few days. And I know I am really lucky because some of his colleagues don't see their SOs as much, and they live in the same city!

I agree with the previous post about being creative and maybe doing an MPH or research year in her city if this interests you. It's a good way to see her more full-time, and also don't forget that if you guys wind up together, you'll pretty much be asking her to move wherever you match, be it Arkansas to Alaska, and she might not have any job prospects there. also don't forget that if you can make it through M3, you can do away rotations in her city during M4. So give a little to get a little. Our relationship works because at any given point, one of us has been able to be more flexible schedule-wise. I'm prepared to go move to wherever he goes because he's moved for me, and vice versa. It does help that we're getting married next summer before he starts residency though.

For the long term, I think a relationship can only survive if both parties are sacrificing somewhat equivalently or have sacrificed before. But I didn't think of it like this when we were doing it, and I don't think he thought like that either. It's just something I've realized over time that has helped to keep our partnership stable.

Good luck, and stay strong.

 

[Valuablelesson]

Lying doesn't help ANY relationship!

A very unconscionable statement! TBH you missed my point.

or maybe we could argue the definitions of the word "lying" or "help".

Either way you're wrong. Lying is an essential part of most relationships, private or professional. Please dont not assume I ment Its the only part of a relationship.

 

[Crookshanks]

Well, I think that you can make it work but amazingly I think it is easier when you both are in medical school. Each of you understands what the other is contending with.

If you have one partner that has a regular 9 to 5 job and wants to have a normal relationship, that can be a problem.

I am trying to do the bi-coastal thing too and it is really difficult when you go three months without seeing one another.

Wow, thanks! You just eased all my fears about medical school and my relationship! We're both premed, and I'm freaking out we'll end up in different schools. (to add to the complication, we have a child)