Long distance relationships (3rd yr)

[6ft3dr2b]

I just wanted some feedback on how difficult it is to carry out a long distance relationship during the 3rd yr of med school (from nyc to dc). Currently, I'm a 2nd yr who's focusing on school and Step 1 at the end of the year. In the meantime, I'm dating a wonderful girl who lives in dc. We see each other every 2 to 3 weeks. Right now, its do-able because of my schedule. I hear 3rd yr is just like a 9-5 job. I'm hoping there is time on weekends to see her.

Please share your advice, experiences and suggestions.

Thanks,

6ft3dr2b

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[Moto]

I hear 3rd yr is just like a 9-5 job. I'm hoping there is time on weekends to see her.

Please share your advice, experiences and suggestions.

Thanks,

6ft3dr2b

That's not what I hear about 3rd year
Consider yourself lucky b/c NYC to DC is nothing. Cheap, one hour flight.

I'm maintaining a long distance relationship across US. Both of us are in medical school.

You can make this work.

 

[Salamandrina]

That's not what I hear about 3rd year
Consider yourself lucky b/c NYC to DC is nothing. Cheap, one hour flight.

I'm maintaining a long distance relationship across US. Both of us are in medical school.

You can make this work.

Well, I think that you can make it work but amazingly I think it is easier when you both are in medical school. Each of you understands what the other is contending with.

If you have one partner that has a regular 9 to 5 job and wants to have a normal relationship, that can be a problem.

I am trying to do the bi-coastal thing too and it is really difficult when you go three months without seeing one another.

 

[ThroughItAll]

Maybe you guys can give me some insight too...
My boyfriend is starting med school in the fall and chances are he'll be pretty far away. I'm really supportive of everything he wants to do and I'm really excited his dream is coming true. I'll still be in school his first year so we'll both be busy. I'm willing to work for it but med school is a lonnng road tho, and I guess im wondering when it will let up a little and when we'll get to spend time together again...

 

[nataly1313]

I guess I am here for advice also. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and 3 months. I am waiting to here where I get into med school but I know that we will be far apart. How do you all manage to keep the relationship strong?

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Well, I think that you can make it work but amazingly I think it is easier when you both are in medical school. Each of you understands what the other is contending with.

If you have one partner that has a regular 9 to 5 job and wants to have a normal relationship, that can be a problem.

I am trying to do the bi-coastal thing too and it is really difficult when you go three months without seeing one another.

It should be interesting when I start med school in a couple of years......my girlfriend is about as polar opposite career wise as they come (she's an art and creative writing double major....which explains the 3.89 GPA ) but I hope she remains as empathetic as she always has been towards me *fingers crossed*

 

[mangocita]

It should be interesting when I start med school in a couple of years......my girlfriend is about as polar opposite career wise as they come (she's an art and creative writing double major....which explains the 3.89 GPA ) but I hope she remains as empathetic as she always has been towards me *fingers crossed*

Actually, as polar opposite as you think it may be, I know quite a few people who are into arts & the sciences. I'm an Engineer, but I absolutely love to paint, write poetry, play various musical intruments.
I know a good friend who is a doctor, however she is also an award winning artist - she just exhibited her work last week in a local gallery.
I think its the whole 'left-side/right-side' brain thing.
(Ok, you guys are the doctors, you probably know more than me..hahaha).

Do you agree that science (whether it be medicine, engineering, or basic science) is somewhat of an art once you've exhausted all your logical options?

I think the fact that you will be in med-school, and she will be in a creative field would be very complementary for you both. You find inspiration in her work in some way that affects your own job.

I'm dating a med-student who lives about 6hours away from me.
It is definitely challenging, since this is a new relationship - but we make an honest effort. He is the same way, before going to medical school, he majored in Language and Arts.

So..you see....if you believe you have a great relationship w/ your GF now, it won't matter how 'different' her chosen field of study will be from yours. You will draw inpiration from each other and hopefully grow in your relationship.

So, don't worry about it so much - if you are meant to be, then she will be supportive of you.

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Actually, as polar opposite as you think it may be, I know quite a few people who are into arts & the sciences. I'm an Engineer, but I absolutely love to paint, write poetry, play various musical intruments.
I know a good friend who is a doctor, however she is also an award winning artist - she just exhibited her work last week in a local gallery.
I think its the whole 'left-side/right-side' brain thing.
(Ok, you guys are the doctors, you probably know more than me..hahaha).

Do you agree that science (whether it be medicine, engineering, or basic science) is somewhat of an art once you've exhausted all your logical options?

I think the fact that you will be in med-school, and she will be in a creative field would be very complementary for you both. You find inspiration in her work in some way that affects your own job.

I'm dating a med-student who lives about 6hours away from me.
It is definitely challenging, since this is a new relationship - but we make an honest effort. He is the same way, before going to medical school, he majored in Language and Arts.

So..you see....if you believe you have a great relationship w/ your GF now, it won't matter how 'different' her chosen field of study will be from yours. You will draw inpiration from each other and hopefully grow in your relationship.

So, don't worry about it so much - if you are meant to be, then she will be supportive of you.

I don't worry about it too much, I just think it's one of those at first blush we're polar opposites, but we do have a lot more in common- I'm a decent artist and a decent writer, we are both aspiring songwriters and each play at least one instrument, etc.....

 

[MicroBugs]

Maybe you guys can give me some insight too...
My boyfriend is starting med school in the fall and chances are he'll be pretty far away. I'm really supportive of everything he wants to do and I'm really excited his dream is coming true. I'll still be in school his first year so we'll both be busy. I'm willing to work for it but med school is a lonnng road tho, and I guess im wondering when it will let up a little and when we'll get to spend time together again...

I guess I am here for advice also. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and 3 months. I am waiting to here where I get into med school but I know that we will be far apart. How do you all manage to keep the relationship strong?

Well, I'm not in medical school yet, but I have been down the road of LD relationships a couple times with my husband. He's military and spent my last two years of college in Japan and right now, he's 4 months into a 6 month deployment. It's not easy. In fact, it's pretty hard. But, understanding and staying insanely busy are keys to helping this work out. The benefits for you guys is you'll still be in the same country. You can't get immediately cranky if the other person isn't at the phone exactly at 6pm to answer, but developing a routine for a good time to talk possibly each night is a good thing, even if only for a few minutes. I keep very very busy and time flies and that helps big time. Throughitall- medicine as far as I can see is a very long road and probably won't let up in intensity for awhile. But have patience and take advantage of the time you do get. I hope this kinda helps.

 

[ThroughItAll]

It should be interesting when I start med school in a couple of years......my girlfriend is about as polar opposite career wise as they come (she's an art and creative writing double major....which explains the 3.89 GPA ) but I hope she remains as empathetic as she always has been towards me *fingers crossed*

That's really funny to hear. I'm a creative communications major dating a future doctor. I don't think that makes me less able to be empathetic towards him. Maybe it will be more difficult when hes doing his residency for 40 hours straight, but I know how hard it is for him and I think hes amazing for taking such a hard thing on... and I'm really inspired by him.

 

[lady in waiting]

This is EXACTLY why I looked for this forum....I met my BF when he just started 3rd year (also long distance, he's in NJ, i'm in VA)....I actually have only seen him a few times in the last 18 months, and haven't spoken to him in over a month. It's making me realize that one must have a lot of confidence in a relationship for it to work in this situation, but sadly, our relationship has never had the chance to really form.....I'm hoping that he's just really busy (with board exams this month, applying for residency) and not just second-guessing our relationship altogether.

 

[mangocita]

Quite literally the same...except I wouldn't say my guy is my BF, cos I"m not really sure what he is at this point
I actually "met" him when he was a 2nd year, but in fact it was just an online meeting, we were online friends for the longest times, and we only recently met in person. We have a lot of things in common, but b/c he is long distance (about 5-6hrs away), we havne't had the time to really see or talk much. He's a 4th year now, and also applying for residencies, doing some pretty tough rotations, and studying for boards.
I also havne't heard from him in like 3 wks, and I"m also hoping its only b/c he is really busy.
Last time we had a decent real conversation was, like I said, 3 wks ago, and there was nothing in that converstaion that made me believe he had lost any intersest in me.
I just have had to hold back - I've emailed him about an average of 1x a week, actually, a couple forwards, and a couple 'how are you, hope you are keeping sane!' messages. I have not heard back from him at all.
Given his maturity level (he's actually pretty mature, we have had some pretty great conversations in the past couple years that makes me believe htat), I HOPE he is not stooping down to grade-school level and completely avoiding me b/c he suddenly decided he has lost interest in me.
I HOPE the fact that I'm not getting any replies from him is b/c he is really busy w/ rotations/boards/applications, and really needs to focus on that.

It is a little frustrating, b/c like you had mentioned......since we're NOT in a committed relationship, he has no need to explain himself or his where-abouts to me. But, I wish i had some indication of whether he actually was into me or not :-(

Cos, i know i'm really into him.....

 

[ThroughItAll]

How is it possible to not talk to your significant other for weeks at a time?! For all of those in serious relationships out there, is this normal for you too??

 

[mangocita]

I'm used to it, since i'm pretty independent and lead a pretty busy life myself.
As reference, I look at the relationships of my parents, aunts/uncles, cousins, etc....i come from a family where a lot of the people are doctors.

When i was in high-school, my parents emigrated from over-seas, my dad had to re-do his residency all over again (4 yrs worth...sucked..we were really poor back then!) - just imagine, re-doing your residency, w/ 2 kids and a wife...and you're in your mid-40's.
Plus, he had to re-do his boards.

We hardly saw him, my mom hardly talked to him, maybe 10min a day.

Before this....my parents lived in the middle-east, and I lived w/ my relatives in another country...my mom shuttled back and forth between us - during that time, she would talk to my dad maybe once a week if she was lucky.

Their marriage is still very strong, b/c during all of this, there was an understanding that they were going through this to better all our futures.
And, now...10-15yrs later, I know thats what they have done.

I guess its just delayed gratification. I think it just comes w/ the lifestyle.
Its not for everyone.
I just happen to be used to it, therefore for me to be interested in someone w/ this lifestyle, its almost normal for me.
(normal may not be the right word...maybe 'familiar' is a better word).

 

[bellagrace]

I talk to my significant other every night. Even if it is only for a few minutes (like if i am studying for an exam) it still helps me feel connected to his life. This has worked for us so far, although being apart for 3 months has been horrible. That will change soon though, because he is moving down here in a few weeks. However, I would definitely suggest the daily communication just to check in. It helps deal with the distance, and helps me stay sane with the med school stuff having someone to talk with.

 

[ThroughItAll]

It is so exciting that he's moving to be with you! Hopefully that will make things a lot easier. Let me know how that works out; I'm really interested.

 

[DropkickMurphy]

How is it possible to not talk to your significant other for weeks at a time?! For all of those in serious relationships out there, is this normal for you too??

I have no idea how people do that.....if I don't hear from Holly for a day (be it by telephone, voicemail, e-mail, etc), or if she doesn't hear from me, we both start to worry.

 

[ThroughItAll]

I have no idea how people do that.....if I don't hear from Holly for a day (be it by telephone, voicemail, e-mail, etc), or if she doesn't hear from me, we both start to worry.

That sounds more like me. How do you handle one of you being in med school and being apart and busy for so long? Any suggestions? And I don't think I'd worry as much... I think that being together is enjoyable because you get to be with that person and talk to them and keep the love alive I guess. So if you don't get to be with them that much or talk to them that often I think it would almost defeat the purpose of being together...? I'm preparing myself to not be as "needy" for when my boyfriend goes away in the fall.

 

[beannaithe]

That sounds more like me. How do you handle one of you being in med school and being apart and busy for so long? Any suggestions? And I don't think I'd worry as much... I think that being together is enjoyable because you get to be with that person and talk to them and keep the love alive I guess. So if you don't get to be with them that much or talk to them that often I think it would almost defeat the purpose of being together...? I'm preparing myself to not be as "needy" for when my boyfriend goes away in the fall.

You'd be surprised, the love does stay alive on its own. I recently started my LDR in August after being together for about 2 years. So it's still in it's baby stages...

We try to keep in contact once a day (usually like 30 minutes if we've got time or as little as like 5 if we're really busy). It's just something you need to keep a part of their lives. I get worried if I don't hear from him.

You get busy in med school. I think it'd be harder for the other person. I know with dental school I'm running here and there and usually studying from the time I get home until the boyfriend calls. Then it's the 30 minutes with the boyfriend and then more studying.

You guys wil fall intoa system that works for you. For me and my boyfriend, we've gotten into a routine of seeing each other when our schedules permit (he's about 5 hours away). And we work our butts off when we know the other's coming and we do no work when I go out there. I literally drop everything to see him and it sucks to catch up when I go back. But it's so worth it.

If you love him, you make it work. The distance makes it easier to realize if he's worth it or not.

If I were you, I'd enjoy the time together and worry about it later on. You'll see that everything will work itself out.

 

[lady in waiting]

As for me and my bf, we're both old enough so that we've actually been alone most of our adult lives--I don't think either one of us feels the need to communicate every day....it would be nice, but I don't think it's crucial. We do have our own lives, and in some ways I think the distance is a good way for us to ease into the idea of actually being in a relationship to begin with. However, that being said, 2 or 3 months can be a bit trying. But I have to look at it from his perspective...he didn't go into med school thinking about the responsibility of maintaining a relationship at the same time, he went in with the idea of giving his whole body and mind to it. And (thank GOD!) the "school" part is over, and I think when residency approaches, we'll either both move together somewhere or decide we can't do it and part as friends. Stay tuned!

 

[MightyShorty]

My significant other and I started dating just before I started med school. Been on LD since and I'm now a 4th year. To clarify, my significant other is not in med school. LD through med school is manageable as long as both of you know what you are getting yourself into. To give you some stats, when my med school class started, there were about 25 of us on LD. Of these 5 got married, 2 are engaged, 2 on LD (including me), and rest of them broke up. This is just from my own class. Talk to others to find out more. Depends on your personality, some people will find classroom years easier, while other couples find the clinical years easier.

Classroom time means you pretty much have all weekends off, but you also spend a lot of time studying out of classroom. So even if your significant other can visit you, you need to set expectations as to how much time you can spend doing fun stuff. If it's a weekend after exam, great! If it's the weekend before an exam, then make sure your significant other is going to be okay with the fact that you'll be spending lots of time cramming.

Clinical years - it's really rotation dependent. You'll have all weekends between rotations off. Plan on that. Most in-patient rotations, expect to have long night calls and not be able to talk to your significant other that day, or have very short conversations when you have brief downtime. If you're up all night, you'll have to sleep the next day as well. While on time demanding rotations - like internal medicine, surgery, etc. - work out ahead of time when will be a good weekend to see each other. For some rotations, you pick the day you'll be on call. Find out ahead of time which rotation does this and then compare your calendar with your significant other's calendar. Pick call nights when you can't see each other anyway. During your 4th year, most schools allow away rotation. This is a great opportunity to spend a month in a city that your significant other is in. Take your significant other on the interview trail if you can make it work. For couples that are both in med schools, however, realize that you can only interview at some schools together. You will spend majority of the interview season apart because that's the nature of the residency application process (you'll find out what I mean when you get there).

Also, think outside the box. I have classmates who take a full year off during med school to do research at another city where their significant others are located. 2 other classmates took a year to go volunteer in clinics in developing country and took their significant others with them (they planned it such that the significant others just graduated from other grad school and don't have a job yet).

It'll work out as long as both of you are committed and willing to work through the tough times.

 

[mangocita]

Well, so like I mentioned before, I've known this guy for about 2 yrs now, and we've talked on and off during that time - there seems to be an interest on both ends, but we've only gone out once (he LD, about 5-6hrs away).

When we talk, we really connect, and share a lot of the same beliefs, values, and even very similar family backgrounds. Both of us come from doctor-families - and he is an MS4 right now.
When we do talk, he gives me his undivided attention - this is usually on weeks/weekends in between his tough rotations.

But, during his rotations, he is totally focused on his work and school. Its hard to talk to him for more than a few min at a time.
And, I actually don't like to bother him either when I know he is trying to work hard in becoming top of his class and securing a good residency in a competitive speciality for next year.

So, sometimes I am a little unsure as to what he really feels towards me. And, I don't want to pressure him either, for fear of him pulling away.
I'm assuming it has to do w/ his crazy schedule. But I guess I can never be *quite* sure until we are actually in a committed relationship!

So...he is about to take his boards tomorrow. I did not want to call him, firstly b/c I don't want to bother him if he is trying to take it easy tonight and get to bed early, and secondly b/c I'm about to head out w/ my friends.

So, I just text messaged him saying Good Luck on the boards tomorrow!

I haven't heard anything from him - I"m going to wait and see if he calls me back after the boards to let me know how he did.

It is tough liking someone in medical school.
I don't want to sound crazy, but I"ve known since I first got to know him that he was someone that I could see being in my life forever. At that time I wasn't sure to what capacity that was, but over the past couple years of getting to know eachother as friends, I can just see him being someone I could be 'the one'.
It is tough, b/c I don't knwo if he sees me the same way - as i said at this point, this is still a friendship, a special one at that....but its not a committed relationship.
So.........agh. I'm just...keeping my fingers crossed I guess!

Sorry for the long post, this was just something that made me feel better just writing it out and having an audience who might understand

 

[penhorseblue]

Mangocita....

I don't want to go off the topic of this thread but your last post caught my eye. I think someone needs to point out that you need mention something to this guy that you are interested in him. He seems like a really great guy from what you have said about him so far in your posts. He seems to care about you and what you have to say. It seems you are being hesistant to tell him how you feel because you don't want to ruin your friendship but you would like to see things go further between you two.
I'm not really clear on your status since it was different on some of your posts, are you guys dating or just friends? Has the mention of starting a relationship even occurred yet in your conversations with each other? Has he showed you he is interested in starting a relationship, like can you tell he likes you more than a friend? I'm speaking from my experience but in general most guys, even the shy ones, you can tell if they are are interested in you and sometimes you just have to take the initiative.
It could be worth a shot to let the person know how you feel especially if it's this strong. You'll always be wondering, what if. . . because you never pursued things further.

 

[mangocita]

Maybe I should start my own thread, sorry...I didn't mean to go off topic.
But, maybe it does have to do with the fact that he is long-distance from me.
It is hard to know what someone is thinking or doing when you can't see
them daily or weekly, you know?

So, I guess thats why I did post it on this thread - while a lot of people on this thread seem to have LDR's that are already established relationships, I guess I'm wondering if anyone STARTED a relationship with someone in medical school while already being long-distance.

I have had a couple LDR's before. Of course, they ended, but it wasn't because of the distance - it was because the relationships just ran their course and we realized we weren't right for eachother.

But, i have not dated anyone in medical school before (long or short distance!).
I do come from a family where a lot of people have been thru med-school, my dad's a doctor - so I know conceptually how tough the program is, and I know how tough residency can be too, even if it is from an 'outsiders' point of view.
But, I don't know how to communicate with someone romantically while they are going thru it, especially when they are 5hrs away.

And yes - I guess you could say we are 'dating', but we are in a very transitionary point of the friendship. We are friends, but there has always been that attraction (at first this attraction was more intellectual, since we did meet online, and of course we knew how we looked b/c of photographs...), and we flirt, and we went out once with the understanding that if he is in my town again for interviews, that we would go out again.
But...so far, I think it is going *really* slowly - he did mention the very first time we met in person (we /flirted for 2yrs before we met in person about a month ago!), that he was very shy to meet me, and he was just taking this experience all in...and in some ways he couldn't believe that we were actually meeting.
We went out, and he treated me so well - no we did not kiss or hold hands (except for the kiss he gave me at the end of the night, on the cheek)...but we had the greatest time - he actually stayed an extra day just to hang out with me. We talked more about our lives, families, values....we seemed to still jive pretty well in person as we did online. Of course...there's only so much we can talk about on the first date...so I don't know EVERYthing i need to know about him.

On his way back to school...on his 6hr drive, he called me to say he had a really good time and was really glad he met me. He called me a couple times after that, and even called me 'cutie'

But..shortly after that, he started his crazy rotation, and applications, and studying for boards..he just about fell off the planet. Our last conversation was really great, but that was about 3wks ago. Since then, he is hardly online...and when he is, I just say 'hey..hope its going well'..and our convos are very brief, and he has sounded almost non-interested. I don't know if this is b/c he has all of a sudden lost interest....or if med-school is just kickin his butt so hard, and he is so focused on his work/applications..that he would rather not talk to me during this time.
Being long-distance, I can't just casually 'drop in' to see him either. So...I can only speculate from afar what he's up to.

I told him BEFORE met met that I was interested in him, from the conversations we had, but of course...that I understood for something to happen, he would have to feel the same way about me. He agreed, and said, well...i guess in order to figure that out, we would have to meet! it was shortly after I told him that, that we met for the first time.

But...Penhorse, you are right - AFTER our date, i have NOT told him how I felt about it. But..I guess I AM scared. He is 6hrs away...busy busy busy......can he handle someone telling him "oh....by the way....i thnk i'm in love with you!" (ok, not to that extent, but you know what i mean!).
You are right, i'm scared $hitless!!! lol. I think it is because......this past year I have been having no luck with guys
I dunno what it is, but since my last boyfriend (we broke up more than a year ago!), my dating life has sucked! Everytime I meet someone I like.....when I take the initiatve and tell them....they run.

This guy is different..i care about him...i don't want him to run :-(
I can see a future with him. I know this sounds prematures, but...I'm in my early 30's, and at this point in my life I know what i want, and what I"m looking for. I know I could bring him home to my parents and know he would just...fit.
<sigh>

 

[mangocita]

I mentioned that AFTER our date I had not had the guts to tell him how I felt about him.
Well....he hasn't either!
He said he had a great time....and called me 'cutie'....and we had a few great conversations after our date...(so i know he doesnt' totally HATE me!)
But he has not come out and said 'you know.....I think I am interested in you too".

I don't know if he is one of those guys who likes to take him time in realtionships. I can understand that, especiially being long-distance, and especially being in med-school.

but..i just wish i knew what he thought about me.
agh..but i'm scared to ask.

(i know..i'm not helping...i'm in my early 30's, yet i'm acting like a complete school girl here....)

 

[Faebinder]

As someone who is currently in a Long Distance Relationship... and was for a long ass time and before that was in another long distance relationship.

They absolutely suck....

If you are afraid to break this up because of the pain of having to look for someone else and because of the separation pain, then you are putting yourself through a long term pain to avoid a short term pain.

My true and sincere advise... end this relation and move on or go move to where he is... option c would be to sit there and hope to God he doesn't cheat on you or end up breaking it before you guys get back together. PS... the less you see someone, the more likely the relationship will become casual and easier to break off.

Sorry, didn't have anything good to say.

 

[mangocita]

Altho, in this case - he is looking for residencies closer to where I live.
So...there's no point in moving to be near him, b/c he hates where he is,
and would rather be closer to my neck of the woods.
I live in South Jersey, and he's currently in western PA, almost Eerie area.
He wants to get residency in either NY, Philly or DC - and if that was the case, I would have absolutely no problem moving to any of those places, b/c i have tons of family, friends and job opportunities in all 3 of those areas.

 

[bellagrace]

Before you go packing your bags up to move to where he has his residency, you really should establish "what you are" (dating, friends, etc). It would be awful to move and then have this guy you are interested in, not feel the same. Then you might see him around town with other women... and that would just stink. Also, many things that are uncomfortable or difficult get built up in your mind if you are thinking about them for a long time. So talking to him about how he feels and telling him how you feel is probably worsein your mind than it will be in real life. But please, discuss this with him before you mention moving closer to him. If you want something that might scare him away (and i know nothing of this person or you, so just take this at face value), its telling him you are moving to be closer before youve even had a second date in person!! I wish you the best of luck, but you are just making it harder on yourself by not talking openly and honestly with him. If the feelings arent reciprocated, the longer you wait to talk, the harder it will bein your emotional state. And while im not on rotations and taking the boards yet, I do imagine that it will be a very very busy time. But even in that case, ask him if he could spare a few minutes (ask him for a convenient day) and just casually ask about where the relationship is going, or if you both even consider it a relationship. Good luck, hope things work out for the best, whatever that may be (and they usually do).

 

[mangocita]

Oh don't worry, i'm not going to pack up my bags for him anytime soon
I have my own career to think about, i have a masters in engineering, thinking about getting an MBA in the next couple years, and working for a large corporation...plus I own a house, so even if I wanted to, these responsibilities keep me grounded enough that I can't just pick up and move to be closer to someone who i'm not committed to.

But yea, it is easier to know that he is moving closer to me, and before he even mentioned to me where he was applying to residencies, I was casually telling him that I would be the most happiest living in either NY, Philly or DC, b/c of the fact that I have family/friends and job opportunities in those areas, and they are very culturally diverse cities with a lot of exciting things to do (i live very close to Philly right now, and thats where I work currently).
I guess coincidentally, thats where he happened to be applying for residencies too - I know he's applied to about 10 different hospitals so far, all in those 3 cities.
So, it just so happened that we both like these areas, and were thinking about living there anyways before we even met - again something we had in common.

But yea......you are right. I do have to summon the courage to just ask him what he thinks of this friendship/relationship thing we have going on.
I will keep you guys posted I guess. IF its good...yeay for me! If its bad....i'll need some emotional support from y'all !

 

[beannaithe]

Yeah, I agree with the general consensus here. You need ot have the "what are we/where are we going?" talk pretty soon. That way you will know where your life is going to take you.

If he's not interested in you, at least then you'll know and you can make a move to someone else. And if he is, then you can at least start to build a relationship.

Just talk about it. The knowing is so much better then not knowing.

 

[mangocita]

So, i did try calling him today, and it went straight to voicemail, but i did not leave a message.
I'll wait a few days and try again.

If I don't get an answer i want soon.....i guess I will have to move on. :-(
You would think a guy who is a soon-to-be ob/gyn would have some clue as to how to communicate with a woman.

 

[lady in waiting]

I've been getting a lot of "straight to voicemail" answers myself lately...I will be glad when this phase is over....

 

[ny_ny]

I'm a 4th year currently going thru the application process and it does get a lot better after the boards are over. I understand that he's very busy with boards/rotations/applications etc but at the same time, I don't know about the whole disappearing off of the face of the earth thing. If a guy likes a girl, he should WANT to talk to her even if it's only for a few minutes... it would be a nice break from a hectic day. I really hope that you're right and that it really just is that he's going through a lot, but I always looked forward to talking to my significant other no matter how busy I was... it was a form of support for me and I think it helped me do even better. You should read "He's just not that into you". A lot of the stuff in this book is obvious things most girls should already know, but sometimes it helps to see it on paper. Don't torture yourself over this. If it's meant to be, it will definitely work out in the end, but you should ultimately let him know that when you're in a relationship with someone, no matter how busy they are it's not okay for them to disappear for long periods of time...he may use the argument that you wouldn't understand because you're not in the profession, but I am in med school and I've seen that the relationships that have lasted are those where both parties put effort into the relationship.... it doesnt take that much time out of your day to give someone you care about a quick phonecall to let them know u were thinking about them. You seem like a great catch and you shouldnt be putting time into something unless you know it's going somewhere.

I hope it all works out.

 

[ThroughItAll]

If it's meant to be, it will definitely work out in the end, but you should ultimately let him know that when you're in a relationship with someone, no matter how busy they are it's not okay for them to disappear for long periods of time...he may use the argument that you wouldn't understand because you're not in the profession, but I am in med school and I've seen that the relationships that have lasted are those where both parties put effort into the relationship.... it doesnt take that much time out of your day to give someone you care about a quick phonecall to let them know u were thinking about them.

Nice answer ny_ny. That sounds very comforting.

 

[mangocita]

I like getting the 'real deal' from someone who is actually in their
4th yr of med-school.
Yea, you are right - I don't know what makes someone fall
off the face of the planet.
While I don't want to pressure him, maybe I should just give him a
call relatively soon and just ask him what's up....
He took his boards on Saturday, and we briefly talked last wednesday,
and he said he would let me know how they went.
So, maybe i'll hear from him. If not...i'm just going to take the initiative.
I am a catch, dammit
He is one too.....but so am I! He should want to be with me! There's nothing wrong w/ me, i'm sane, i have a job/house, i come from a good family, i'm nice..and got great friends! not selfish!
He has told me so many times that he is so happy that I'm not a doctor, b/c he needs someone to talk to that shares his interests outside of work.
When we did meet up, he seem enamoured to be with me, and said things like "you know...if we ever had kids, they would have your good looks and brains, and my sense of direction", just sweet and funny things like that.
We've talked about our beliefs and values, and I know he knows we are on the same page about a lot of things that make a good relationship.
I just need to know why we're not IN a relationship already..!

This is why i'm so confused - he seems interested. I just need to figure out what the heck is going on.
Sorry guys, i know i'm not helping any. More than anything, I"m just using this to sort out my thoughts.
I know at this point it has gotten off the 'long distance relationship' topic a bit.

Lady-in-waiting.....any luck from your end on your Sig-other..?
In my case, i'm not in a committed relationship yet, just trying to transition from friendship to more than friends.....while being Long Distance.

 

[6ft3dr2b]

So back to the original question...

Are long distance relationships do-able during the 3rd yr of medical school? My concern is that I will be very busy (on call) and I won't have any weekends to go visit her as I do now. It seems like they are depending on the type of rotation as well as planning ahead with your significant other. For those that made it work, what exactly did you do?

thanks,

6ft3dr2b

PS sorry mamacita, i hope things work out. I just wanted to get a straight answer.

 

[lady in waiting]

I think that people are telling you that sometimes it can work, and sometimes it can't....it depends on the strength and comittment of your relationship.......at least that's what I got from the 20 posts above this one.

 

[mangocita]

...as you can see, i don't know if you can get a straight answer.
As you can see from my messages and others....there are definitely
issues with trying LDR's. Sometimes they are easy..sometimes they are not.
I guess the only thing you can do is try.
I hope it works out for you too when you decide to do it.
Every relationship is complicated in its own way and distance is
just something else that could add to that.
But, I don't believe its impossible.

 

[beannaithe]

So back to the original question...

Are long distance relationships do-able during the 3rd yr of medical school? My concern is that I will be very busy (on call) and I won't have any weekends to go visit her as I do now. It seems like they are depending on the type of rotation as well as planning ahead with your significant other. For those that made it work, what exactly did you do?

thanks,

6ft3dr2b

PS sorry mamacita, i hope things work out. I just wanted to get a straight answer.

It depends on the depth, communication and stability of the relationship. Sometimes you won't be able to talk and you both will have to be able to be okay with it.

If you want this, no matter how busy you are then you will make time for something. You can make it work, you just have to realize that sometimes 30 minutes of sleep that is extremely important you will have to give up to talk to her.

And never, ever let the frustration of rotation get into the relationship.

I don't know anything abotu time committment.

But I know that if you want something to work, then you will just make time for it.

 

[mangocita]

You might be right. I'm not in a 'relationship' now with this guy, it is transitionary...and being long distance is a definite challenge.

I decided to take everyone's advice on this board and just emailed the guy pretty much asking what the heck is up.
(ok, in nicer words than that).

6ft3 - one piece of advice from 'the other side' - if you like this girl...please don't let your busy schedule destroy the relationship.
Call her even if its to chat for a minute or two....or text message.

I believe a relationship can last long distance as long as each person is always thinking about the other person, and always letting the other person know they are thinking about them. Even when you have no time to do anything else, any sign to show them they are on your mind....can go a long way.

Well. I was brave - sent my email. Now I wait. It does suck. sigh.
Alright.....in the meantime..any cute med-students here who wanna go out?
(i need a backup, can you blame me?)

 

[ThroughItAll]

I believe a relationship can last long distance as long as each person is always thinking about the other person, and always letting the other person know they are thinking about them. Even when you have no time to do anything else, any sign to show them they are on your mind....can go a long way.

Well. I was brave - sent my email. Now I wait. It does suck. sigh.
Alright.....in the meantime..any cute med-students here who wanna go out?
(i need a backup, can you blame me?)

I totally agree! I just love to know that my boyfriend is thinking about me... it makes everything okay. Haha you're so funny with your backup!

 

[lady in waiting]

Well, things are looking up on my end. I'm not saying I'm gonna marry this guy, but i do like him.

On the other hand, if this doesn't work out...screw med students, i'm going to find someone out of school!

 

[mangocita]

Hello everyone....just wanted to see how everyone was doing.
Lady in Waiting...how are things with you and your man?

I think i'm giving up on mine
We were talking again these past few weeks...but maybe i'm kidding myself.
I can't seem to move on...(i think I have issues!!!!), but i'm going to try.

 

[daisypnaymph]

Trust and communication.

From personal experience, those two attributes are the main things that keep the long distance relationship going. i believe it does not really matter what year the med student is in....just as long as there is trust and communication.

I am finishing my 2nd year in medical school in the Caribbean. My boyfriend is currently deployed in Iraq. When he isn't playing GI Joe (like when we met last winter in GA around this time), he is stationed in Cali. At first I did not think our meeting would turn out the way it has, but we are still together....going on strong.....in hopes of getting married in the future in fact.

When we first started talking, he would call me every nite (YES, LD Caribbean charges applied)! And we would talk on AIM and send each other daily emails. However when he became deployed our daily communications have become more infrequent. We have gone through days without a phonecall or an email....since there are sporadic security measure moments while he's deployed...or @ crazy times when I could not talk because I had a major exam coming up. We also do not get to see each other until my semester breaks due to the cost of flying out to and from the Caribbean. But he and I reciprocally trust each other and since we have the understanding that we both want to be together in the future. I love him and I know he loves me so we BOTH just know we can survive his deployment and my few months left studying basic sciences in the Caribbean.

So I think just as long as you have established your relationship with the other person, know and trust where the relationship will be going, and just keep the communications flowing (and it does NOT have to be daily)....it should not really matter what year the Dr-in-training is. The long distance relationship will be worth its hardships in the end!

 

[lady in waiting]

I have given up on mine. If someone cares about you, they try to show it. He may think he cares about me, but obviously his career is his wife, mistress, and hobby.

I am dating an MBA who is whisking me off to FLA next month for a romantic getaway.

Good luck to you though.

 

[Valuablelesson]

I guess I am here for advice also. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and 3 months. I am waiting to here where I get into med school but I know that we will be far apart. How do you all manage to keep the relationship strong?

lying helps a lot with most relationships. Easier too if its a long distant one!

 

[ThroughItAll]

lying helps a lot with most relationships. Easier too if its a long distant one!

Lying doesn't help ANY relationship!... and I would venture to say ESPECIALLY with long distant ones. Of course it will be easier for the time being, but relationships aren't easy.

 

[benzylique]

Hey guys,

I am in first year med over in ireland and tried the whole long distance thing. Me and my girlfriend were together for about a year and a half before i left canada. At first i didn't really think much of the distance. I just knew it would be hard but doable since i really loved this girl. Anyways she broke up with me 3 weeks after I left saying it was too hard to do the long distance thing. But really... 3 weeks is sooo quick that somehow feel like she didn't even give it a shot. Anyways we remained "friends" and talked probalby once or twice a week like nothing had changed. When I went home for xmas... for some reason i thought we'd magically hook back up... but it wasn't like that... she told me she only wanted to be friends although we crossed the line a couple times. After i left to go back for ireland, i thought when i would get home for the summer that we'd end up back together.
Anyways... I've decided to go to school back in canada hopefully where she will go to school next year. She told me the other night that during the next 6 months i'll be gone for that she'd be ok dating other people. That hurt a great deal and to be honest i don't think i am at the level where i can see other people....One of the hardest things is that she cannot say what she didn't like about our relationship.. and that i'm a perfect guy... and she doesn't know if we'll get back together or not... I just can't see how she's ready to date other people when she says there was nothing wrong... Anyways i am just totally confused and i really don't want to give up on her because truely.... i feel like if we were together physically... i could get her back??
sorry for the long post... i am just at a point where i'm sooo coufused and just want to come home

 

[Faebinder]

Hey guys,

I am in first year med over in ireland and tried the whole long distance thing. Me and my girlfriend were together for about a year and a half before i left canada. At first i didn't really think much of the distance. I just knew it would be hard but doable since i really loved this girl. Anyways she broke up with me 3 weeks after I left saying it was too hard to do the long distance thing. But really... 3 weeks is sooo quick that somehow feel like she didn't even give it a shot. Anyways we remained "friends" and talked probalby once or twice a week like nothing had changed. When I went home for xmas... for some reason i thought we'd magically hook back up... but it wasn't like that... she told me she only wanted to be friends although we crossed the line a couple times. After i left to go back for ireland, i thought when i would get home for the summer that we'd end up back together.
Anyways... I've decided to go to school back in canada hopefully where she will go to school next year. She told me the other night that during the next 6 months i'll be gone for that she'd be ok dating other people. That hurt a great deal and to be honest i don't think i am at the level where i can see other people....One of the hardest things is that she cannot say what she didn't like about our relationship.. and that i'm a perfect guy... and she doesn't know if we'll get back together or not... I just can't see how she's ready to date other people when she says there was nothing wrong... Anyways i am just totally confused and i really don't want to give up on her because truely.... i feel like if we were together physically... i could get her back??
sorry for the long post... i am just at a point where i'm sooo coufused and just want to come home

Sorry to hear it dude... i am going through the same thing after a 9 year marriage (except that she already started dating even though we are married)... i think your girl is no longer your girl and has already moved on but trying to put it nicely to you... she might already be seeing other people.

Distance does that to all relationships..

 

[benzylique]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation.... It is much worst than mine... I wouldn't know how I would deal with that situation at all... and i'm really sorry to hear... My problem sounds doesn't even sound like a big deal after hearing what you said...

I guess it just takes time to get over someone and I think i'm finally beginning to enjoy being single....