Married life and med school

[4everdreamingofmedschool]

So I am about to begin applying for medical school. Just doing well in undergrad requires me put in a lot of effort, I am one that has to work extremely hard to do well in school. Doesn't come easy to me. I am having a hard time already making time for my boyfriend while in undergrad and I'm worried that during med school (I feel as if we will want to get married before or during med school) I will not be able to have a happy married life and live a life where I can do fun things on the weekends, etc. I know that isn't what med school is about, but you still have to make time for leisurely things in school. Can't go 4 years without doing anything fun. are there any married students out there who can give me any advice? He supports me 100%, but that doesn't change the fact that the balance is difficult. Thanks!

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[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

So I am about to begin applying for medical school. Just doing well in undergrad requires me put in a lot of effort, I am one that has to work extremely hard to do well in school. Doesn't come easy to me. I am having a hard time already making time for my boyfriend while in undergrad and I'm worried that during med school (I feel as if we will want to get married before or during med school) I will not be able to have a happy married life and live a life where I can do fun things on the weekends, etc. I know that isn't what med school is about, but you still have to make time for leisurely things in school. Can't go 4 years without doing anything fun. are there any married students out there who can give me any advice? He supports me 100%, but that doesn't change the fact that the balance is difficult. Thanks!

I'm not in med school yet, but I am married and completed my undergrad while on active duty. If the relationship is important to you, you will make time for it. For me, that meant staying up late so that I could see my wife and kids before they went to sleep, and then studying and doing homework after. I also did homework on my duty nights when I wasn't home.

If I (and lots of military students) can work 70-80 hours a week and take four courses per semester while making time for family, so can you.

 

[Pagan FutureDoc]

it's not that hard to have a fairly normal married life in Med School (at least ms1-2).
You can have most anything in med school just you can't have it all and you can't have most of it at the same time. You've got to be good at budgeting your time and picking what's really important to you. Also, realize that there will be times it's really demanding and you might have weeks or months where you don't have much free time, especially during your clinical years.

 

[sharpstickie]

OMS-1 right now and married. It's all about being effective with your time and making sure your SO isn't dependent on you to be mentally stable. I think the only reason we're doing okay right now is because I try to treat school like I would any other job (once I come home I try not to talk about it). We've gone on plenty of hikes and camping trips so far and we even went to the zoo this weekend when I have a huge test tomorrow, but I've made sure to get it all done beforehand.
I have classmates that completely torture themselves and I know a guy that has lost 20+ lbs since school started because he's at school 14 hrs plus a day. I could never do that, well because I would like to stay sane...
Tl;dr make time for fun and you'll likely find it

 

[kraskadva]

Also married here, and haven't started med school yet.

I second @Matthew9Thirtyfive It's definitely possible, you just make time. My hubby and I are often apart (he tends to work overseas for 3mo at a time) and I've been a full time student for the last 4.5 years. We tend to schedule things (date night, hang out time, etc.) to make the time, so that other obligations don't interfere with those times, and so that when we're respectively busy, we can get our own things done without the other person feeling neglected. If I have to study one weekend, but have date night already scheduled for a few days later, then my hubby is fine to leave me alone to do that, knowing that his time is coming up. When he's away, we make sure to talk at least an hour a week, and I block off time to hang out before he leaves and after he gets back. It works for us and we've done this cycle 9 or 10 times in the last 8 years.
@bon22 is also right, he needs to have his own thing going on. It becomes exponentially more difficult to balance if you're the only person he has to talk to/hang out with. But if he's busy with his own stuff (job/school/friends) and not emotionally/socially dependent on you, then it can work out just fine.

In med school you won't be going out to do fun things every weekend, even if you were single, but that doesn't mean you'll never go out. And for the times that are especially intense (so essentially you'll be 'away'), you just keep in mind that there is a clear end date. You can do anything with an end date.
While 4 years may seem like a long time to you at 20-22 years old (guessing you're a traditional undergrad), it really isn't that long and does fly by.

 

[Valyria]

I am a married ms1. I think it's totally doable. You just need to make sure to be honest. Let your SO know if you need to study, and make sure you give them some time as well. I never was someone who could study all of the time. I think everyone needs some down time, and having the support of a spouse is great. Med school is a lot of work but it doesn't take up all of your time as long as you don't let it.

 

[medception]

Agree with the posters above.

I will agree that it is likely a ton of work in terms of balancing school and a marriage/children, however if you are both committed to each other's success, and by extension, happiness, you can make it work. The spouse who is not in medical school will need to understand that supporting your decision to pursue medicine before you're in medical school, and then providing you with that same, pledged support once you're both in the thick of it, are two very different things.

I would suggest having a very candid, empathetic conversation re: how your marriage might realistically change when you are in medical school. This may help to close the gap between your spouses' expectations now, vs. when reality begins to set in next year.

 

[deleted480308]

"I feel as if we will be married"........has the other half expressed this to out loud?

 

[aldol16]

It's important that you become familiar with the work-life culture at the medical schools you are interested in attending. At many schools nowadays, the curriculum for the first two years is pass/fail (make sure it's real pass/fail and there's no internal ranking that comes back to bite you when you apply for residency). Medical schools have started implementing this in recognition of the fact that medical students are adults and are capable of self-motivated learning - something they will have to do for the rest of their professional careers. So there is definitely time on weekends (though some schools schedule exams on Mondays and some schools have it on Fridays - the latter is definitely easier on the weekend schedule ) and even blocks of time where you can take some time off to live and be you. If you don't find that balance in medical school, there's no way you'll be able to find it in your professional life afterwards because things just keep ramping up after that.

So one of the things to look for/ask the students currently there is how they find time in their lives to pursue their passions, whether that's family, volunteering, or climbing Everest. It's important, I promise!

 

[libertyyne]

The question is , how do you have a married and family life in residency working up to 80 hours per week. Medical school should be comparatively less stressful compared to residency.

 

[Mr Medschool Money]

So I am about to begin applying for medical school. Just doing well in undergrad requires me put in a lot of effort, I am one that has to work extremely hard to do well in school. Doesn't come easy to me. I am having a hard time already making time for my boyfriend while in undergrad and I'm worried that during med school (I feel as if we will want to get married before or during med school) I will not be able to have a happy married life and live a life where I can do fun things on the weekends, etc. I know that isn't what med school is about, but you still have to make time for leisurely things in school. Can't go 4 years without doing anything fun. are there any married students out there who can give me any advice? He supports me 100%, but that doesn't change the fact that the balance is difficult. Thanks!

As I have told others, anything is possible. You just need to decide what you expect med school to give you in return for your years of dedication. A lot of people go into medicine thinking it will fill a void in their life or be the most amazing job in the world. For some that is true; not for others. If you can get past that and decide there's not other job in the world for you than being a doctor, then get ready to work hard. Med school is hard; residency is even harder.

There are plenty of ways to make money in med school. -link removed by moderator- I am married. I got married the weekend before my final for block 1 of year 2. My classmates thought I was crazy. The first week of marriage wasn't amazing, but we successfully bought a house the summer before (after year 1), renovated it, got married, and I passed my block. Anything is possible, you just need to know how hard you are willing to work, because med school or being a doctor won't solve all your problems, it will only magnify whatever problems you already have. If there's any way you can wait to get married after you start medical school, this will be better. You may change as a person and your free time will plummet until you get a wrap on things. Once you get a wrap on things (this happens at a different point for everyone), you can consider working, getting married... anything you want. I'm married and we have a 11 wk old baby boy. Hes the most beautiful thing in the entire world. I wouldn't have done anything differently if I had to do it all over again. If you have any other questions, email me through my website. Blessings on your journey.

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

As I have told others, anything is possible. You just need to decide what you expect med school to give you in return for your years of dedication. A lot of people go into medicine thinking it will fill a void in their life or be the most amazing job in the world. For some that is true; not for others. If you can get past that and decide there's not other job in the world for you than being a doctor, then get ready to work hard. Med school is hard; residency is even harder.

There are plenty of ways to make money in med school. Check out my blog on this particular topic- makemoneyinmedschool.com. I am married. I got married the weekend before my final for block 1 of year 2. My classmates thought I was crazy. The first week of marriage wasn't amazing, but we successfully bought a house the summer before (after year 1), renovated it, got married, and I passed my block. Anything is possible, you just need to know how hard you are willing to work, because med school or being a doctor won't solve all your problems, it will only magnify whatever problems you already have. If there's any way you can wait to get married after you start medical school, this will be better. You may change as a person and your free time will plummet until you get a wrap on things. Once you get a wrap on things (this happens at a different point for everyone), you can consider working, getting married... anything you want. I'm married and we have a 11 wk old baby boy. Hes the most beautiful thing in the entire world. I wouldn't have done anything differently if I had to do it all over again. If you have any other questions, email me through my website. Blessings on your journey.

Congrats on the kiddo. The first couple of years with kids are crazy.

 

[Mr Medschool Money]

Congrats on the kiddo. The first couple of years with kids are crazy.

Yes lol. being dad is easier than being a mom thats for sure. We are doing great though

 

[JB50]

I got married 3 months ago... She's an RN so thankfully she will understand when things get rough in medical school. I don't anticipate it being that bad once we settle in. I study hard so I don't feel as though I spend as much time studying as some of my friends in undergrad.

It's great to read all of these replies

 

[Mr Medschool Money]

I got married 3 months ago... She's an RN so thankfully she will understand when things get rough in medical school. I don't anticipate it being that bad once we settle in. I study hard so I don't feel as though I spend as much time studying as some of my friends in undergrad.

It's great to read all of these replies

Yeah med school is much different though. All your life you've been "special" until you get lumped in with your peers, 50% who are smarter than you and 25% who are so neurotic they will do whatever it takes to be AOA... one of the best parts about married in med school is coming home and talking with your spouse about normal people stuff.

 

[akuko2]

I feel like I have an advantage being married in medical school (with out kids). I have someone who can help take care of me when i'm in a time crunch (even though I do my best to balance household stuff/cooking), someone to vent too when things get tough, and best of all somone to enjoy the ups and downs with me!

Thankfully my wife is in nursing school so she somewhat understands when my schedule is nuts, but I also explained to her what I though medschool would be like to the best of my ability and made sure she was willing to be with me through it. So my advice is to do your best and educate your SO with as much info as you can about what you think medschool will entail and make sure that they are OK and willing to support you.

Residency is another issue, but my wife is stuck with me so if she wants to ever see me make real money she'll have to tough it out lol

 

[JB50]

Yeah med school is much different though. All your life you've been "special" until you get lumped in with your peers, 50% who are smarter than you and 25% who are so neurotic they will do whatever it takes to be AOA... one of the best parts about married in med school is coming home and talking with your spouse about normal people stuff.

Right but once I'm in medical school I couldn't give more f**ks about other students

 

[jqueb29]

Married MS3 here. It certainly is hard at times (studying for Step 1 was a nightmare, as my 8 week surgery rotation where I had to wake up at 3:30 every morning for 2 months), but there's still plenty of time to spend with your spouse. You can lead a pretty normal life in your pre-clinical years, with the exception of during anatomy and during the 3-4 days before a test. Regular class weeks, the weekend after a class ends, the random times where you will be in a 4 week class that is actually easy, Christmas and summer break, and so on.

Clinical years are harder, but you'll still have time. Between the occasional easy core rotation (psych and peds at my school) as well as electives, your 3rd year will have a good bit of spouse time.

There are absolutely times where it will suck, but there's plenty of times where it's amazing (on day 8 of a 17 day break currently ). I couldn't possibly stay sane in med school if I were single, and I couldn't have possibly maintained a relationship if I weren't already married (its much easier to find time to spend with someone who lives in the same house as you).

 

[deleted480308]

Residency is another issue, but my wife is stuck with me so if she wants to ever see me make real money she'll have to tough it out lol

that's not true. Alimony means she can take half your real money and never talk to you again.

 

[Benjoe11]

Specifically responding to your concern about being able to be married and still do fun things on the weekend: The biggest thing I've noticed about marriages and even the successful long term relationships at the beginning of medical school is the "social" part of medical is secondary to their relationships. They come out to things with their significant other or we don't really see them because they have already built up a life outside of medical school because they'd rather be with their partner they NEVER get to see. I think to really fully give yourself to your partner when you already have no spare time, you have to miss things with your medical school classmates from time to time. The relationships that have failed are the ones where the med student never sees their SO because medical school classmates are given priority in their spare time.