My boyfriend doesn't want me to go to medical school

[curlypremed]

Hello all,
I am new to this website. I thought it would be helpful to hear from people who maybe have experienced similar situations, or at least understand the pathway of medicine.
I am 20 yrs old and a junior in college pursuing a Biology degree. I had originally planned on becoming a PA but after job shadowing and working as a scribe I've decided MD is more congruent with what i want.
My boyfriend is 18. We have been dating two years. He just graduated high school and is going to be attending a two-year nursing school.
He hates the idea of me going to med school. He says that he will be "waiting" on me forever, and that i'll find someone new. He is very unsupportive of my education and has always been so. He doesn't like to hear about my test scores, or my accomplishments in general. It's very discouraging.
I love him and he is genuinely a good person it just hurts to not have his support.
Do doc/nurse relationships ever work?
Any input would be appreciated.

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[aalamruad]

Hello all,
I am new to this website. I thought it would be helpful to hear from people who maybe have experienced similar situations, or at least understand the pathway of medicine.
I am 20 yrs old and a junior in college pursuing a Biology degree. I had originally planned on becoming a PA but after job shadowing and working as a scribe I've decided MD is more congruent with what i want.
My boyfriend is 18. We have been dating two years. He just graduated high school and is going to be attending a two-year nursing school.
He hates the idea of me going to med school. He says that he will be "waiting" on me forever, and that i'll find someone new. He is very unsupportive of my education and has always been so. He doesn't like to hear about my test scores, or my accomplishments in general. It's very discouraging.
I love him and he is genuinely a good person it just hurts to not have his support.
Any input would be appreciated.

Insta-dump

 

[ill be a doc soon]

I think you need to let that

 

[jm192]

Have you asked him what his concerns are?

Some guys would be bothered by a woman outranking them, and that's just a character trait that you either can live with or can't--and vice versa he can get over it or he can't.

He may be concerned if you go to medical school and are surrounded by future doctors, you'll fall for one of them and leave him as he might think he doesn't measure up.

 

[ciestar]

He's insanely immature. I wouldn't let your entire life's decisions be dictated by someone who just finished high school. He's also 18. Not like he's 60. You need someone on your level, OP. You deserve someone who supports your goals because it will NEVER work with him if you don't. Three things could happen:
1. You go to med school and get the career of your dreams and he forever resents you for it.
2. You give up the idea and spend forever wondering "what if" and resenting him for it.
3. He comes to his senses, grows up, and supports your goals.

My husband gets impatient at times (i have less time available during school than desirable) but he is more encouraging than i deserve.

 

[UBLI-EINSTEIN]

My first guess is that he do this because he feel not confident when he compare himself to you.
You are on your way to your medical school, but he just graduated from high school. Here's an unbalance of achievement between you two.
I don't want to discriminate anyone based on the sex/gender, but I've seen men concerning whether they are at least little bit more superior than their partners.
Above is totally my guess. I don't know.

Whatever. it's hard for me to come up with a perfect solution at this moment.
I would suggest you to talk to him first. I'm wondering why he's behaving like this.
Maybe my guess is right, or maybe he's just afraid that you left him after getting into a competitive environment as medical schools....

 

[ciestar]

Have you asked him what his concerns are?

Some guys would be bothered by a woman outranking them, and that's just a character trait that you either can live with or can't--and vice versa he can get over it or he can't.

He may be concerned if you go to medical school and are surrounded by future doctors, you'll fall for one of them and leave him as he might think he doesn't measure up.

You make an excellent point. Not knocking nurses (i dropped out of nursing school) but he could feel inferior being "only" a nurse while you're a doctor.

 

[Richard O'Mally]

He needs to be supportive of your education and career, absolutely would dump him. He is dragging you down.

 

[curlypremed]

We discussed it two days ago, and he said: "You still have all this school left, there's no way couples stay together at all, you can go ahead and pursue what you want but you don't care at all about how it will impact others around you"
He also said "you will think you're better than everybody including me".

Have you asked him what his concerns are?

Some guys would be bothered by a woman outranking them, and that's just a character trait that you either can live with or can't--and vice versa he can get over it or he can't.

He may be concerned if you go to medical school and are surrounded by future doctors, you'll fall for one of them and leave him as he might think he doesn't measure up.

 

[PreMedMissteps]

We discussed it two days ago, and he said: "You still have all this school left, there's no way couples stay together at all, you can go ahead and pursue what you want but you don't care at all about how it will impact others around you"

He also said "you will think i'm better than everybody including me".

And there you go.

He's not a keeper. Move on.

 

[jm192]

We discussed it two days ago, and he said: "You still have all this school left, there's no way couples stay together at all, you can go ahead and pursue what you want but you don't care at all about how it will impact others around you"
He also said "you will think i'm better than everybody including me".
,

So, understand that your options are:

1. I'm ok not marrying this guy, and I'm going to call him immature/selfish and move on.
2. I want to marry this guy, and I have to talk through this with him.

But, he may still not respond well.
You guys may still not get married for other reasons.

It's so easy to call someone selfish/immature. Being the bigger person is hard. And dating a younger guy is hard in general as the maturity factor does lag. But, if he's worth it to you, you should push for resolution as opposed to "To hell with it."

 

[lexington251]

He hates the idea of me going to med school. He says that he will be "waiting" on me forever, and that i'll find someone new. He is very unsupportive of my education and has always been so. He doesn't like to hear about my test scores, or my accomplishments in general. It's very discouraging.

That should be a red flag all on its own. I concur with jm192 that he might be afraid of being outranked by you.

There are plenty of people who will be supportive of your career decision. I'm sure on your long path to an MD you will find someone who will be with you every step of the way. Heck, it may even be the same guy, after he's matured. He's only just graduated from high school: there is a lot he has yet to learn.

Edit: "He also said "you will think you're better than everybody including me"."

So it is about prestige. Move on.

 

[ill be a doc soon]

I agree with the above. He has alot of maturing to do. I think you should ask him: What would happen if our situation was switched? How would you feel if you wanted to go to medical school and I was telling you not to?

I think any relationship is all about mutual respect for each other. If he doesnt respect you enough to support you every step of the way then he is not the one.

 

[lolpremed22]

Hello all,
I am new to this website. I thought it would be helpful to hear from people who maybe have experienced similar situations, or at least understand the pathway of medicine.
I am 20 yrs old and a junior in college pursuing a Biology degree. I had originally planned on becoming a PA but after job shadowing and working as a scribe I've decided MD is more congruent with what i want.
My boyfriend is 18. We have been dating two years. He just graduated high school and is going to be attending a two-year nursing school.
He hates the idea of me going to med school. He says that he will be "waiting" on me forever, and that i'll find someone new. He is very unsupportive of my education and has always been so. He doesn't like to hear about my test scores, or my accomplishments in general. It's very discouraging.
I love him and he is genuinely a good person it just hurts to not have his support.
Do doc/nurse relationships ever work?
Any input would be appreciated.

Dump him now.

 

[BombsAway]

when you rob the cradle, you get a baby.

Take a page from felicia's book and say buh-bye.

 

[738177]

It's time for the old "It's not you, it's me".

 

[begoood95]

I was in a five year relationship, of which just ended because of a sort of similar situation. There were trust issues, and some immaturity in our relationship that was carried on from high school. Long story short, we both decided it would be best for us both, for both our career trajectories, to go our separate ways.

From your posts, from what he's told you, @curlypremed, I see the same seeds of insecurity and immaturity being sewn right now. Of course, I don't know your exact situation, but these posts make it very clear that this could be the beginning of a toxic relationship—something you do not want in college, let alone medical school.

Your boyfriend should be supportive of your career goals, whether you want to be a physician, or a CEO (as you should be supportive of his). Period, full stop. Saying something like, "and you think you're better than everyone else," is a huge red flag.

It'll be a tough conversation—trust me, I've had it—but for your own sake and his, let this go as soon as you can, unless he makes a 180 degree turn with his attitude (which is unlikely). I'm sorry you're in this situation, I know it sucks. But you have to think about your future and your happiness and wellbeing. Good luck.

 

[ciestar]

We discussed it two days ago, and he said: "You still have all this school left, there's no way couples stay together at all, you can go ahead and pursue what you want but you don't care at all about how it will impact others around you"
He also said "you will think you're better than everybody including me".

Everything about that just spews immaturity. He is insecure about his "status" in the relationship (the guy wants to be the breadwinner...go figure, it happens). If he isn't satisfied with nursing maybe he should try a four year school and get a bachelors in something. If he is only settling for nursing he will hate it.

However, he isn't wrong when it comes to you having to think about how this decision affects others in your life. Once in med school, you'll miss family events...you can't always run home for emergencies. It DOES have to be more about YOU for a while.

The couples not staying together is such bs. Im married. I think we started with 4 other married couples and Ive seen pictures on facebook of like 4 other weddings of classmates this summer with others to go. You need a supportive partner, that is the most important part.

EDIT: typo

 

[deleted480308]

When you pick boyfriends up at tball practice you end up with children instead of men.

Do what you want and tell him his opinion is irrelevant. Never ever make life decisions based on the opinion of a high school boyfriend

I will say however that he's right and it's good for you that he is... you will meet actual men and decide you like them better than him

 

[glypha1104]

Find a new boyfriend ASAP. This guy sounds like a real selfish POS

 

[Gilakend]

Just for comparison my gf and I started dating in HS and her degree is only 2 years (she can go for more, she hasn't decided) and she is extremely supportive of my decision. Dump him.


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[futureoncdoc06]

I recently told my boyfriend of my plans to go to medical school and he was nothing short of supportive. Honestly if he wasn't I would have to break up with him. Medical school and the process of applying to medical school is hard enough, and I'm already stressed out right now doing my prerequisites so I can only imagine the amount of stress from me he's going to have to deal with (sorry babe). You need someone who can be there and be supportive of one of the biggest and most exciting decisions you're making in your life. I know we don't know each other but I would hate to see this relationship hold you back from accomplishing your dreams. If he isn't bringing positivity and support to your life he shouldn't be in it.

 

[DBC03]

You're still young and he's even younger. First, you need someone who is excited about what you are interested in. My husband is my biggest cheerleader and almost like a tiger parent when it comes to my schooling - he really wants me to succeed and is willing to sacrifice whatever is necessary to make sure I make it into and through medical school. You will find someone like this as you get older. Second, you need someone who will take the attitude not that, "there's no way couples stay together at all," but that you will make this work no matter what. When we started pre-marital counseling, our counselor said that you never talk about splitting up - NEVER. You never mention divorce. You never joke about it. You always work to keep the relationship together. The truth is that you're just dating and you can break up and couples DO split. Especially in residency. There's no obligation for you two to stick it out. Because of this - and because he doesn't seem committed to sticking it out - you certainly DO NOT want to plan your life around his opinion. He's already not in it for the long haul, so it's time to move on.

EDIT: We're hitting our 10th anniversary this year and things just keep getting better and better. Don't settle for someone who doesn't support you at this point.

 

[Mad Jack]

Hello all,
I am new to this website. I thought it would be helpful to hear from people who maybe have experienced similar situations, or at least understand the pathway of medicine.
I am 20 yrs old and a junior in college pursuing a Biology degree. I had originally planned on becoming a PA but after job shadowing and working as a scribe I've decided MD is more congruent with what i want.
My boyfriend is 18. We have been dating two years. He just graduated high school and is going to be attending a two-year nursing school.
He hates the idea of me going to med school. He says that he will be "waiting" on me forever, and that i'll find someone new. He is very unsupportive of my education and has always been so. He doesn't like to hear about my test scores, or my accomplishments in general. It's very discouraging.
I love him and he is genuinely a good person it just hurts to not have his support.
Do doc/nurse relationships ever work?
Any input would be appreciated.

True love is when you want to help a person become the best version of themselves, and when they want the same for you. This clearly isn't that. This is childish "love," a mix of lust and infatuation that isn't the real deal. A guy like this is clearly an insecure wreck that is trying to hold you back to ease his own fears by minimizing your success, immature relationship behavior of the worst sort. The only thing he has to fear is fear itself. I used to worry about the same things, but it turned out that so long as I prioritized things properly, I could maintain a healthy relationship throughout medical school. And maintain my friendships, because I picked my school geographically and took the time to make it work. Medical school isn't nearly as bad as most people think it is. You don't just disappear for the better part of a decade, you can actually have a LOT of fun and a hell of a good time if you don't let yourself be consumed with neuroticism and obsessive goal chasing.

 

[Mad Jack]

I was in a five year relationship, of which just ended because of a sort of similar situation. There were trust issues, and some immaturity in our relationship that was carried on from high school. Long story short, we both decided it would be best for us both, for both our career trajectories, to go our separate ways.

From your posts, from what he's told you, @curlypremed, I see the same seeds of insecurity and immaturity being sewn right now. Of course, I don't know your exact situation, but these posts make it very clear that this could be the beginning of a toxic relationship—something you do not want in college, let alone medical school.

You're boyfriend should be supportive of your career goals, whether you want to be a physician, or a CEO (as you should be supportive of his). Period, full stop. Saying something like, "and you think you're better than everyone else," is a huge red flag.

It'll be a tough conversation—trust me, I've had it—but for your own sake and his, let this go as soon as you can, unless he makes a 180 degree turn with his attitude (which is unlikely). I'm sorry you're in this situation, I know it sucks. But you have to think about your future and your happiness and wellbeing. Good luck.

Been there dude, it's not fun.

 

[libertyyne]

Dump the chump.

 

[Stumpyman]

You are the average of the 5 people you most associate with.

Dump toxic people from your life and surround yourself with those who value greatness.

 

[Mad Jack]

You are the average of the 5 people you most associate with.

This is kind of bull****, for the record. While surrounding yourself with successful people can help you be successful, it certainly isn't necessary.

 

[SterlingMaloryArcher]

Same same same. Break up. You will find someone much better anyway yeah. (It's gonna happen)

 

[Stumpyman]

This is kind of bull****, for the record. While surrounding yourself with successful people can help you be successful, it certainly isn't necessary.

Ok.

I didn't say "successful people." Having people with similar values, mindsets, and goals around you is probably going to be better for your life and mental health than those who are not supportive.

 

[Mad Jack]

Ok.

I didn't say "successful people." Having people with similar values, mindsets, and goals around you is probably going to be better for your life and mental health than those who are not supportive.

It's off topic, the last thing I'll say about it is that that's a line typically used by those writing in business and entrepreneurship circles, so it gets a visceral reaction from me. Just as visceral as my reaction to the pathetic insecurity of OP's boyfriend.

 

[bannie22]

Ive seen one nurse/doc relationship workout. Although i think his concerns of you finding someone else are misplaced.

I tink sure many guys would want to have the cred from sleeping with a female doc very few want anything long term to do with them.

So perhaps he should be concerned, or not? I dont know. Depends on what underlies his concerns...

 

[teenyfish]

OP - I was in your situation as a 20 y/o as well. Except, my boyfriend at the time (now-ex) had somehow convinced me that I was better suited for another profession because he didn't see me as a "leader". It took me another two years to ditch him, and I'm just now studying for the MCAT and beginning my path to medicine. I know it feels like this person is the right one for you, but I promise if he is saying these things, he definitely isn't. I'm now with a wonderful man who is 100% behind me and loves, and is not intimidated, by how ambitious I am. You deserve someone who is supportive of your dreams.

 

[username456789]

.

 

[studentdocftw]

To be fair, I wouldn't want to hear about your test scores either. But sounds to me like you need to find a new boyfriend..or actually, med school is the perfect time to be single. Make it happen.

 

[Likkriue]

Your boyfriend is insecure and immature. Would follow what everyone is saying, dump the loser.

 

[deleted853480]

If you truely love him, you won't leave. If he grisly loves you, he would support your choices. I would talk it out.

 

[Blessthefall]

He's 18 and though that may constitute him as an adult in the US, that doesn't mean that his brain is fully developed and that he's capable of making well articulated decisions.

Of course I know plenty of 24 year-olds who continue to make stupid decisions despite their fully formed brain.

Point is: I was an 18 year old once and I made conclusions about the world that turned out to be completely false.

Find someone that will support what you want for yourself because if it was reversed, I guarantee that he'd expect the same or toss you.

 

[McRibs]

Hello all,
He doesn't like to hear about my test scores, or my accomplishments in general. It's very discouraging.
Any input would be appreciated.

When internet forum-board strangers are more interested in your professional development than your partner, it's time to make some changes.

Homeboy doesn't have to jump out of his skin when you put a mark in the win column but being a supporter rather than a detractor is mandatory.

 

[fldoctorgirl]

To throw in my two cents, I have been with my boyfriend since I started college. He is one year ahead of me but I'm graduating a year early, so we're at the same place. He has always been supportive of my plans to go to medical school. He has been one of the biggest figures of support, actually, and stuck with me through my months of MCAT studying where I would often be holed up in the library for 8+ hours a day. I honestly don't think I could've made it this far without him.

He is currently in the process of applying to law school, and sometimes friends make comments that I will "make more money" than him and that I'll be the "breadwinner". He thinks these jokes are hilarious, and he never puts any stock into them. He wants me to succeed no matter what, and that is very important in a relationship.

Someone who doesn't support you isn't worth it. A man who is afraid that you will be superior to him, that you will leave him for someone else, or that you won't have time for him during medical school is selfish, and is only concerned about himself. Personally, these character traits would be an instant red flag to me, and I would run like the wind. I'm not going to tell you what to do, because obviously I don't know the specifics of your relationship, but I would suggest you realize that his comments aren't made out of love, but rather out of selfishness. Find someone who supports your dreams and grow with them.

 

[Doctor or bust]

If he was doing well would that upset you? That seems to be how he feels when you do well. That isn't a healthy relationship.

 

[aldol16]

It sounds like your boyfriend is super insecure. Since he's only 18, maybe he will mature in a couple years when you end up applying and get over it. He needs to realize that you're following your dreams and if he values the relationship, he will try to make it work. I would get someone to tell him to grow a pair and get over his own insecurities. It's not your fault.

Having a significant other who is not a medical student can be better than the alternative in many ways. When you come home, you're not talking about the same kinds of things and each have your own passions to explore. Having one person in a relationship actually working and making money (like when you're in residency or even before) can also be a huge help.

 

[Goro]

Hello all,
I am new to this website. I thought it would be helpful to hear from people who maybe have experienced similar situations, or at least understand the pathway of medicine.
I am 20 yrs old and a junior in college pursuing a Biology degree. I had originally planned on becoming a PA but after job shadowing and working as a scribe I've decided MD is more congruent with what i want.
My boyfriend is 18. We have been dating two years. He just graduated high school and is going to be attending a two-year nursing school.
He hates the idea of me going to med school. He says that he will be "waiting" on me forever, and that i'll find someone new. He is very unsupportive of my education and has always been so. He doesn't like to hear about my test scores, or my accomplishments in general. It's very discouraging.
I love him and he is genuinely a good person it just hurts to not have his support.
Do doc/nurse relationships ever work?
Any input would be appreciated.

Dump his needy, controlling, immature ass quick, or he will make your life a living hell.

 

[PreMedMissteps]

This may not be popular, but I'm going to say it anyway. (Flame away, if you must, lol)

There are some men that cannot handle it when their female partners earn more than they do, particularly if it's a LOT more money and the job title is such that it would be obvious to outsiders that the women is earning a lot more (doctor vs nurse). There are mature men who can take all of this in stride, including some smack talk from friends about the income differences. Yes, let's get real. Women don't usually get teased in the same demeaning way that men do when their partners earn more, but men often do when their wives earn more than they do. (I know that so-called trophy-wives get teased (bimbo with millionaire old guy), but those situations are very rare. A female teacher married to a doctor is not going to be teased that she's somehow "less of a woman" because her husband earns a lot of money.)

For men who can't handle it, they hate meeting people for the first time and subject of "what do you both do for a living" comes up. This can lead to him wanting to avoid situations where he's be around the wife's doctor friends, etc.

Your BF is showing obvious signs that he would NOT be able to handle any of this. His youthful age is part of this, but this doesn't appear to be something that he would out grow. It appears to be more of his core attitude (the better than everyone else comment is a huge red flag).

Many of us have known doctor/nurse marriages, but probably the majority have been male-doc, female-nurse. I've known one marriage where the female was the doc and the male was a PA. It works for them as they have a private practice together and they've coordinated everything so that one of them is always available for their children.

You need someone who has your back. Your BF is showing signs of someone who would sabotage your efforts.

 

[Terry Toma]

The "don't go into medicine because you won't have time for me" argument seems to be based on a naive view of what professional life is like for people who are not physicians. Professional careers of all types require a lot of time, effort, and sacrifice, especially early on.

If you are a driven, career oriented person, you are going to be very busy with work/school whether you become a physician or a PA or a real estate salesperson or any other damn thing. Even if you do what he wants you to do, he will likely not be happy with the outcome when he realizes that forgoing the M.D. does not magically make you able to maintain an undergrad lifestyle into adulthood.

 

[SouthernSurgeon]

So, understand that your options are:

1. I'm ok not marrying this guy, and I'm going to call him immature/selfish and move on.
2. I want to marry this guy, and I have to talk through this with him.

But, he may still not respond well.
You guys may still not get married for other reasons.

It's so easy to call someone selfish/immature. Being the bigger person is hard. And dating a younger guy is hard in general as the maturity factor does lag. But, if he's worth it to you, you should push for resolution as opposed to "To hell with it."

Um, no.

If OP is 20 and this dude is 18, and it's the first/one of the first serious relationships for either of them, then this is a firm and fast sign that it's time to get out.

You don't try to shoehorn and make it work with the first person you meet in life. For all the ragging on the boyfriend, I guarantee OP is immature too. Need to get out, grow up, and figure out what an actual adult relationship looks like.

 

[BurntFlower]

Ive seen one nurse/doc relationship workout. Although i think his concerns of you finding someone else are misplaced.

I tink sure many guys would want to have the cred from sleeping with a female doc very few want anything long term to do with them.

So perhaps he should be concerned, or not? I dont know. Depends on what underlies his concerns...

Where the heck are you getting this from?

 

[PreMedMissteps]

Ive seen one nurse/doc relationship workout. Although i think his concerns of you finding someone else are misplaced.

I tink sure many guys would want to have the cred from sleeping with a female doc very few want anything long term to do with them.

So perhaps he should be concerned, or not? I dont know. Depends on what underlies his concerns...

Where the heck are you getting this from?

@bannie22 you travel in strange circles. Find some new mature friends.

 

[libertyyne]

It's off topic, the last thing I'll say about it is that that's a line typically used by those writing in business and entrepreneurship circles, so it gets a visceral reaction from me. Just as visceral as my reaction to the pathetic insecurity of OP's boyfriend.

It's also used by gurus who are oddly not very successful in any field other than bilking people out of their money for self help seminars with magic formulas.

 

[Sharknad0]

As a poet from the early 21st century stated,

"If a * get a attitude, pop it like it's hot [...] drop [him] like it's hot." Snoop Dogg (circa 2004)