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Overwhelmed by circumstances. Graduates undergrad and in a post bacc program

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jf1195

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Hey to anyone who reads this,

At most what I get from this post is expressing my issues, but hopefully insight will guide me to the right path.

I finished undergrad with a great GPA and background in research, volunteering and extracurriculars. I grew up with 6 siblings (all 7 from the same parents), and I am a first generation student. When I am home I feel my life is everything but medicine. I have to focus on my parents and doing what will make them not angry and pissed at me (now that I am back at home with 2 other siblings after I've finished undergrad). My parents aren't happy people and quite frankly they should be divorced. I am back at home doing a clinical lab science post bacc program to strengthen myself for medicine (want to be a PA). The program is one year and all online. I am working in a hospital here has a med tech and doing the school simultaneously. Here is the thing... I am so depressed. When undergrad ended I had a terrible ending with a person who I truly care about who lives in the opposite side of the country now. I am now home with my parents and two siblings (one of which as two kids who live there, as well), and another one of my siblings is irresponsible and drops off their kids and I have to watch them pretty much everyday). On top of that, my parents are miserable and for some reason don't think they should do anything about it. The home is full of negatively and hate and it just dismantles me. I do all that I can to keep the house in order mentally, physically and for the kids. It's exhausting.. and then I have to stay and study and watch lectures. I am doing well in the course but I just failed a micro final. I have never failed a course in my life... it's devastating and I'm not sure what my options are after this. I think they give me a chance to do the course again... I think. But if not? How terrible does this look?
Ever since I left undergrad for home I have been just complete sad. I barely shower, rarely smile, rarely go out. I think about suicide more often than I should. The negativity in my home is crucial, but I cannot leave just yet even if I tried. I do love my family, and love my nieces and nephews that I have to watch. I love my mom and want to be there for her...
sometimes I wish these were all excuses and I could just rise above it
 

jf1195

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Hey to anyone who reads this,

At most what I get from this post is expressing my issues, but hopefully insight will guide me to the right path.

I finished undergrad with a great GPA and background in research, volunteering and extracurriculars. I grew up with 6 siblings (all 7 from the same parents), and I am a first generation student. When I am home I feel my life is everything but medicine. I have to focus on my parents and doing what will make them not angry and pissed at me (now that I am back at home with 2 other siblings after I've finished undergrad). My parents aren't happy people and quite frankly they should be divorced. I am back at home doing a clinical lab science post bacc program to strengthen myself for medicine (want to be a PA). The program is one year and all online. I am working in a hospital here has a med tech and doing the school simultaneously. Here is the thing... I am so depressed. When undergrad ended I had a terrible ending with a person who I truly care about who lives in the opposite side of the country now. I am now home with my parents and two siblings (one of which as two kids who live there, as well), and another one of my siblings is irresponsible and drops off their kids and I have to watch them pretty much everyday). On top of that, my parents are miserable and for some reason don't think they should do anything about it. The home is full of negatively and hate and it just dismantles me. I do all that I can to keep the house in order mentally, physically and for the kids. It's exhausting.. and then I have to stay and study and watch lectures. I am doing well in the course but I just failed a micro final. I have never failed a course in my life... it's devastating and I'm not sure what my options are after this. I think they give me a chance to do the course again... I think. But if not? How terrible does this look?
Ever since I left undergrad for home I have been just complete sad. I barely shower, rarely smile, rarely go out. I think about suicide more often than I should. The negativity in my home is crucial, but I cannot leave just yet even if I tried. I do love my family, and love my nieces and nephews that I have to watch. I love my mom and want to be there for her...
sometimes I wish these were all excuses and I could just rise above it
I am saving up to move however, moving just isn't possible in the recent future
 

Boros

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While I don't have the magical solution to make it all go away, I do want to say that what you are feeling now is temporary. You are not responsible for the happiness of your parents nor are you responsible for the decisions they make between themselves. Failing an exam may seem like the end of your career goals, but you should understand that an exam does not define what you are capable of as an individual. Not only are you able to acknowledge your emotional state, you seem to also want to change it, so I would say you are taking a step in the right direction. If the program is giving you an opportunity to retake the class, go for it. Identify what went wrong with the last attempt, and use that hindsight to prepare for your next attempt.

Lastly, Suicide is a serious thought to be pondering so please reach out to any close friends/confidants to voice your thoughts. Let them be your support system while you're trying to realign your life into the path you want it to take. Also if you don't want to involve your personal life, please call the crisis hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Life may seem like complete garbage right now, but I don't want you to call it quits. If this a new low for you, please use it as a springboard to obtain new heights.
 
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