Question from someone considering pre-med...

[antrel]

Hello,

I'm not in any residency, but I did have a question concerning residencies specifically. I was wondering if there were any doctors on here going through one, or having gone through one while engaged in a serious relationship with someone. One my biggest worries thinking ahead would be difficulties revolving around time-restraints.

Any input would be appreciated.

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[EtOHWithdrawal]

The short answer is:

It's tough. You can, however, have a meaningful relationship while in residency. As with any other job, it has to do with your ability to manage your free time. It probably shouldn't deter you.

Just remember, medical school is also demanding. Studying for long hours. Clerkships. It adds up.

Residency is worse though, especially if you're a surgeon.

You have to do what makes/will make you happy.

Good luck!

 

[Blade28]

I was wondering if there were any doctors on here going through one, or having gone through one while engaged in a serious relationship with someone.

You'll find that many residents are either in long-term relationships or married.

 

[Winged Scapula]

Hello,

I'm not in any residency, but I did have a question concerning residencies specifically. I was wondering if there were any doctors on here going through one, or having gone through one while engaged in a serious relationship with someone. One my biggest worries thinking ahead would be difficulties revolving around time-restraints.

Any input would be appreciated.

I was with someone all through residency. What made it easier, IMHO, was that we were both doing the same thing, so there was a deeper level of understanding about the experience.

But you also have to make time...whether that means going over to the hospital with dinner when he/she's on call and you aren't, staying up post-call to spend time together, whatever. Its obviously easier if married or living together, but you can make a simple dating relationship work, as long as you communicate (no different than any other relationship).

 

[Top Gun]

Hello,

I'm not in any residency, but I did have a question concerning residencies specifically. I was wondering if there were any doctors on here going through one, or having gone through one while engaged in a serious relationship with someone. One my biggest worries thinking ahead would be difficulties revolving around time-restraints.

Any input would be appreciated.

There are many residents who are married or in serious relationships throughout their residency. Many of them manage to make it work.

 

[elwademd]

But you also have to make time...whether that means going over to the hospital with dinner when he/she's on call and you aren't, staying up post-call to spend time together, whatever. Its obviously easier if married or living together, but you can make a simple dating relationship work, as long as you communicate (no different than any other relationship).

+1 both you and your partner have to be willing to make it work. if one party is willing, and the other isn't, then it won't work.

 

[buckley]

What made it easier, IMHO, was that we were both doing the same thing, so there was a deeper level of understanding about the experience.

That's a good point. I wonder if there are others who feel the same. I have always thought it would be harder (?) or maybe the thought just never crossed my mind It's pretty hard to get attracted to people who are as lost as you are, and who you know you will work with everyday for the next few years or so Plus, I've seen bad break-ups happen between co-interns...not a good situation to be in...uh-uh!

I agree it definitely takes two sides! I think the start of anything as major as medical school or residency is very stressful on a relationship. I know many people in my class broke up with their significant others, whether med or nonmed, around this time. But yes, there are relationships which last, and I think having them is a very good form of support, especially at these stressful moments. I guess if it's right, it's right. If it's not, it's just, well, not.

 

[lord_jeebus]

I have known many residents - even Neurosurgery residents - with successful family lives, often including many children

 

[RTrain]

What made it easier, IMHO, was that we were both doing the same thing, so there was a deeper level of understanding about the experience.

That does make sense in a way, though my spouse (whom I met during internship) is not in a medical field, and I have found that to be preferable for me. Even though he came into the relationship not really grasping what my career was about and how much it demanded of me, he came to understand it pretty well over time. And because he is not embroiled in the same situations, he is very available to help and support - there are always clean sheets on the bed when I come home post-call, I only have to grocery shop for basic staples when I'm on vacation, etc.

 

[Winged Scapula]

That's a good point. I wonder if there are others who feel the same. I have always thought it would be harder (?) or maybe the thought just never crossed my mind It's pretty hard to get attracted to people who are as lost as you are, and who you know you will work with everyday for the next few years or so Plus, I've seen bad break-ups happen between co-interns...not a good situation to be in...uh-uh!

Definitely not a good situation (ie, dating one of your co-interns).

In my case, it was with a surgical resident 2 years ahead of me and in a different (but local) program. So we didn't see each other at all every day at work (except when he did his SICU rotation at my program which is how we met and I did ENT at his program while a 3rd year). Nice for me for the usual reasons as well as having someone more senior to bounce things off, to study with, and not have to explain why I was home late or why I hated my Chief resident.

But obviously many don't prefer it (see above) and since we were both busy, I wasn't coming home (at least not often) to dinner made or the sheets on the bed washed (I'm only sort of kidding that I don't think he knew how to run the washer).

 

[roja]

Definitely not a good situation (ie, dating one of your co-interns).


But obviously many don't prefer it (see above) and since we were both busy, I wasn't coming home (at least not often) to dinner made or the sheets on the bed washed (I'm only sort of kidding that I don't think he knew how to run the washer).

Hasn't Gray's Anatomy taught us anything?

 

[buckley]

But obviously many don't prefer it (see above) and since we were both busy, I wasn't coming home (at least not often) to dinner made or the sheets on the bed washed (I'm only sort of kidding that I don't think he knew how to run the washer).

Yep, i'm afraid i'm going with the majority here. Plus, i know this sounds really *lame* and unfair, but i find that "nonMD" guys, in general, seem to go out of their way a little more to be understanding than the MD boys. Hasty generalizations on my part, maybe.

You're lucky he was from a different hospital. I'm afraid I also don't feel comfortable with dating a senior (or a junior for that matter) just because the power imbalance is really there. I really liked this resident 3 years ahead of me, brought me food (hahaha! that did it!) during call nights, stayed to talk and give "advice", but i guess it just felt awkward for me, so i took the "just friends" stance. How weird would it be if he had to admonish me? And career advice from a boyfriend? Ummm...no! Another *lame* view, but yes that's how I feel.

And that is why I am blessedly single

Still, if my co-intern/senior/junior happened to look like Topher Grace, sing like David Cook, cooked like Rachael Ray (i'm a simple girl...don't need franco-mediterranean cuisines), and would enjoy watching Little Giants with me over and over again, we'll make it work!!!

 

[Winged Scapula]

Yep, i'm afraid i'm going with the majority here. Plus, i know this sounds really *lame* and unfair, but i find that "nonMD" guys, in general, seem to go out of their way a little more to be understanding than the MD boys. Hasty generalizations on my part, maybe.

You may be right, although its been years since I've dated a "civilian" so I really cannot compare.

You're lucky he was from a different hospital. I'm afraid I also don't feel comfortable with dating a senior (or a junior for that matter) just because the power imbalance is really there. I really liked this resident 3 years ahead of me, brought me food (hahaha! that did it!) during call nights, stayed to talk and give "advice", but i guess it just felt awkward for me, so i took the "just friends" stance. How weird would it be if he had to admonish me? And career advice from a boyfriend? Ummm...no! Another *lame* view, but yes that's how I feel.

I understand the issue of power balance, but since we were at different programs he had no power over me (much to his dismay, most likely ). At any rate, I found it helpful to have someone who could clarify things when I was confused, who understood what I was going through and yes, who could give me career advice. However, most of our time together wasn't spent on such things but rather other things we had in common (which was a lot outside of medicine).

I think it would be hard to be in the same program, same residency and at different levels. Most programs would arrange the schedule so that you and your SO were not on service together so that the issue of admonishing you wouldn't be an issue.

And that is why I am blessedly single

Still, if my co-intern/senior/junior happened to look like Topher Grace, sing like David Cook, cooked like Rachael Ray (i'm a simple girl...don't need franco-mediterranean cuisines), and would enjoy watching Little Giants with me over and over again, we'll make it work!!!

Topher Grace? Eh...not my type but I can see the appeal. I'll let you know if I run across someone who looks like him, sings like David Cook (not Archuleta) and can make 30 minute meals!

 

[buckley]

I'll let you know if I run across someone who looks like him, sings like David Cook (not Archuleta) and can make 30 minute meals!

Please do, and I promise you'll be in a poofy peach gown with yellow bows as my maid-of-honor!

 

[Winged Scapula]

Please do, and I promise you'll be in a poofy peach gown with yellow bows as my maid-of-honor!

<checks closet> Already have one!