Relationship "Sparks"

[VAgirl]

Ok, I realize this is totally not vet med related, but this is the only forum I frequent, so I figured no one would mind me starting a random thread.

What is it with people judging every new potential romantic relationship based off of the "sparks" they feel when they first meet someone. Whether it's in the first 5 minutes or for the first several hours. I love to read Date Lab in the Washington Post, and I can't tell you how many times people seem to say, "s/he is sweet, smart, funny, and we had a great time. But I just didn't feel those sparks/butterflies/whathaveyou."
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2009/04/03/AR2009040301911.html

Now, I realize that there is some base level amount of attraction that you'd like to have for a potential mate. However there are lots of people that you might not be initially attracted to (though you're also not un-attracted to/repulsed by them) that as you get to know them an attraction grows. It drives me crazy because people treat these "sparks" they like to talk about as the end all be all when really what they're mostly talking about is LUST! Call me crazy, but lust is hardly an enduring quality upon which one can build a relationship.

Ok [/rant]. I just would love to have a discussion about this, and my fiance is kinda sick of talking about it with me. (Mostly because we both fall in the same camp... Afterall, we were friends for a LONG time before dating.)

Anyone agree? Disagree?

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[No Imagination]

LoL,
As I am the kind of guy that checks out every piece of ::Cough:: that walks by, I tend to think along other lines then "Spark" = Lust. For me, when I met my G/F, while I was certainly attracted to her, the "Spark" that I felt was towards her personality and Witt. Something that 4 years later has not diminished, nor has my appreciation for it.

Not sure if I answered or even responded to your question there...

 

[littlehooves]

I don't know about sparks- I've never had sparks...but I've had butterflies and things like that- but those butterflies usually come for many different occasions....I had butterflies but not because the guy I was with was "the one". In fact, the last 2 guys I had butterflies with, were jerks! ..... stupid butterflies...

But I think butterflies/sparks are more something you would have with someone you just met- due to apprehensiveness, not wanting to seem un-desirable etc. If you know someone for a long time, then fall in like with them, and eventually love- then those butterflies are probably not going to come out.

I'm a firm believer though that the more you are 'into' someone, the more they become attractive to you in every way.

Those dating tips and things that come up after you sign out of hotmail are fun to read, but just so pointless. I sometimes can't believe people are paid to sit around and write these things....along with people who call themselves "celebrity experts" give me a break... omg...but I guess I'm guilty for reading...

 

[VAgirl]

For me, when I met my G/F, while I was certainly attracted to her, the "Spark" that I felt was towards her personality and Witt. Something that 4 years later has not diminished, nor has my appreciation for it.

The difference there, I think, is that you were attracted to things that were real. The ones that I can't figure out are where people say what great qualities the other person has (like personality and wit, as you mentioned) and how much fun they have with them, but that there were no sparks. I interpret that to mean that they didn't feel an immediate physical attraction that knocked their socks off. That's what I don't get. That parts grows. In fact, I totally agree with littlehooves...

I'm a firm believer though that the more you are 'into' someone, the more they become attractive to you in every way.

Seriously, I could not agree more.

 

[littlehooves]

I think sparks are what some people might mean for 'emotions' ... i guess people who don't know they are feeling lust or love, they call it sparks lol. But a great show to watch on the topic of sparks... BLIND DATE....never fails me

 

[No Imagination]

I'm just not following what you guys are saying I guess.

Lust I get. I experience it all the time with random girls I walk past on campus or in bars.

Love, I get. Experience it once a week when i get to see my g/f

Sparks... thought I knew what you meant, but now im not sure.

Think I need to talk to my g/f about working out these apparent misunderstandings I have concerning the opposite sex and relationships. Perhaps she will allow for some field work

 

[VAgirl]

You know, it's funny, I thought I knew what I meant by sparks. Maybe I'm defining it wrong. I think of it as equivalent to butterflies and all the other stuff you feel at the very beginning of dating/getting to know someone. I think I associated it more with either lust/physical attraction or generalized uncertainty over how the other person feels and the general excitement of things that are new.

Maybe we're all defining it differently?

 

[vnair2]

So far this topic has been very confusing to read. Stupid words. Maybe I am just tired.

While I agree that the more you love someone, often the more attractive they become, I think it is important not to completely disregard physical attractiveness as an important part of any relationship. Personally, I find that an active sex life is an important part of a healthy relationship and some good old fashion lust sure helps that. That being said, physical attractiveness is only one of the many qualities important for a strong relationship, however, it is on the list.

I don't know if this was even related to the topic, but so be it.

 

[DVMorBust]

You know, it's funny, I thought I knew what I meant by sparks. Maybe I'm defining it wrong. I think of it as equivalent to butterflies and all the other stuff you feel at the very beginning of dating/getting to know someone. I think I associated it more with either lust/physical attraction or generalized uncertainty over how the other person feels and the general excitement of things that are new.

Maybe we're all defining it differently?

But you usually don't have those 'sparks' for friends...and when they're developed for a friend, that's usually what people refer to as 'it happens over time'. I always just figure those people to mean things along the lines of 'well, he WAS a great person, but I don't need more friends'.

 

[ZooNose]

VAGirl - I loooove Date Lab! It's the first thing I read in the Wash Post on Sunday morning.

In Date Lab's case, anyway, I think when there is mention of no "spark", the person is implying in a very polite, newspaper way: "there is something about this person that I am not attracted to, whether it be looks or attitude." More often than not, I think they lack the physical attraction.

Sparks are fun! Definitely those early butterflies, the person keeps you smiling, you can't wait to see them again. But the more you get to know someone, those sparks turn into something more special. That's how I think of it, anyways!

 

[lazyjayn]

Hmmm.. Ok, possibly tmi...

I've had relationships with and without "sparks". Usually the ones with are more fun. The "sparky" guys tend to be more adventurous, less willing to play the "I don't know, what do you want to do" game, and (unless my libido's killed dead by BC) much more fun, physically. They also seem to be in better shape.

Unsparky guys... well... Might be nice, and employed, and into interesting things, but when it comes right down to it, they're boring. One wouldn't make a decision on his own. Ever. Nice, interesting, funny. Boring. Plus, if I'm having a physical relationship with someone, I don't want to have to try really hard to enjoy it a little. I want to enjoy it a hell of a lot.

So yes, some of it is physical. Some of it is mental. Some of it is simply who the guys are, and the... um... "vibe" they give off, for lack of a better term. But then, I'm told I'm far too picky, so what do I know, right?

-j. <---Why yes, I am shallow. And?

 

[sumstorm]

I don't know much about sparks. In every serious relationship I have experienced, I had the sense that we had a similar outlook on life...a similar vision of the future for ourselves. Also, that there were enough experiences in our pasts to be empathetic to each other and that we shared some core beliefs/values. I almost always knew this from early on in the relationship, but I wouldn't ever describe it as sparks.

 

[littlehooves]

hmm okay...sparks...well I've been with my bf for just under a year, but we still get giggly and shy sometimes if we haven't seen eachother for a while (A while for us is a week...even if we talk on the phone every day lol). Maybe those are sparks? We haven't been dating long, but we are pretty tight and can be considered in the 'serious' category... maybe sparks are another way to describe 'click'? We click!

 

[twelvetigers]

I wasn't friends first with my husband, and I'll say that there were fireworks at first (damn the sparks) for sure... and, given our young age, it was set off not by those deeper desires, but by merely a touch... kind of like electricity... you know?

It was like that for months. Crazy.

Six years later it feels more familiar than anything else in the world to put my hand in his or wrap my arms around his waist and put my hands firmly on his butt, as I generally do when I give him a hug , but there are no fireworks or sparks... not that I mind.

I can't say I rightly have anything to compare this to, either... if you get my drift. But I can't imagine loving anyone else anyway. NEVER had a problem with that thought. Never.

/squish

 

[jglovicz]

I believe in "Sparks" (it is also one of my horse's names). I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years (we've lived together for 3). I can't wait to see him at the end of every day, and I still get chills/goosebumps when he puts his hand on the small of my back. It definitely isn't as charged as when we first met, but it is still there!

 

[LadyHitokiri]

I have to admit that I did not feel the initial "sparks" with my current boyfriend. We were just friends, but like you said, it wasn't like I was turned off by him. But as I got to know him better, I learned more and more about him and my feelings grew stronger based on who he was on the inside. Through that, I was able to have greater attraction for his looks. BUT...the butterflies did come! They weren't initial, but after a while of chatting and hanging out, certain things he said made my chest rise up and I got short of breath. Those major butterflies are lingering, but mostly nowadays I get just normal flutters. That being said, it is NOT a requirement to have butterflies when you first meet someone, and it also isn't necessarily bad if you do have them. I think it just depends, because each person is going to have a different scenario and situation each time.

The problem is, too many people associate a 'spark' with love ONLY. Then, when that spark is gone, they say they 'aren't in love with that person anymore'. That's BS, IMO...you just get comfortable in the relationship and whatnot, and that love is established rather than running rampantly throughout yourself. But...eh, like I said, IMO.

 

[VAgirl]

VAGirl - I loooove Date Lab! It's the first thing I read in the Wash Post on Sunday morning.

Yay Date Lab! (though more often than not it just irks me. )

Unsparky guys... well... Might be nice, and employed, and into interesting things, but when it comes right down to it, they're boring. One wouldn't make a decision on his own. Ever. Nice, interesting, funny. Boring. Plus, if I'm having a physical relationship with someone, I don't want to have to try really hard to enjoy it a little. I want to enjoy it a hell of a lot.

See, maybe some of it is just personal preference, too. I like the "boring" guys, though I don't think they're boring. I like knowing where I stand with someone, knowing how he's going to treat me and knowing what he's going to do. Plus (at risk of following suit with TMI), guys who are predictable, nice, or "boring" as you call them are NOT always mild mannered in the physical intimacy department! At least in my experience.

The problem is, too many people associate a 'spark' with love ONLY. Then, when that spark is gone, they say they 'aren't in love with that person anymore'. That's BS, IMO...you just get comfortable in the relationship and whatnot, and that love is established rather than running rampantly throughout yourself. But...eh, like I said, IMO.

I guess that's my big question for people who define sparks as being primarily a physical attraction thing and think sparks flying is essential before considering a relationship with someone. What happens when the sparks fade? Because I think it's inevitable that they will, at least somewhat. Maybe not for a while, but can you maintain that same exciting level of physical attraction for the long haul?? And when it's faded, what then?

 

[littlehooves]

For me, there was a dangerous zone between no sparks and becoming 'just friends'. In my last relationship, we dated for almost 4 years- we got along great. I think that was the problem... becuase we both got along so well in general, we got lost in the fact that 'it just wasn't there' anymore...I mean it was wierd, we were still intimate, and acted like bf/gf, but I think we kind of out grew each other. My current bf and I have the best times, I've never laughed so hard then when I'm with him, I've never felt so passionate or strongly for someone- in my last relationship we said the "L" word, but compared to what I have now, its not even close!! Okay I'm just ranting on about my bf now ... lol... but whether its puppy love or not- I guess I'm the type to live every day and enjoy every moment... when we started in this relationship I had no intention of dating long term- I just kind of went with it. I've never been friends with a bf before dating him- i guess I kind of like the surprise part of it, and the fun in dating- also, its less awkward if you break up lol.

Okay enough...so to answer your question IMO... I think that in alot of relationships, the full on "animal-like" attraction does eventually fade, but in return you get something more, something deeper....some connection- like the type that people who are married/together for like 25 years ... lol. I can only assume though... since those people have been married longer then I have been alive. lol.

 

[lazyjayn]

I'm not exactly an LTR kinda girl (I think I max out at about 6 months) But I'd assume that after the wild honeymoon period, you'd know each other well enough that you'd have grown into liking something about them other than their butt.

I could be wrong.

Also, part of my "boring" thing is that most guys I find really attractive are travelers and adventurers. If I could find an in-shape, employed programmer with a passport who wasn't afraid to use it, I'd be happy. But most of those don't travel farther than the local LAN party. Itchy feet means my future has either a series of short term guys, or one who likes to move/ travel as much as I do- and matches on all the important other stuff as well. So maybe I just stop myself from feeling "sparks" for people who don't fit my semi-nomadic plans?

 

[pyxystyx]

I think I know what people mean by all this "sparks" business.
To me, it's the same thing some people describe as "chemistry" as well- because I think generally, if one personis feeling the "sparks", then teh other person usually is too.
I felt the "sparks" instantly with my first BF- it was like, "whoooah, hellooooo" but... more than just physical attraction. It's hard to describe. Just a feeling, I guess. Kinda an excited buzz of energy coming from your gut that says "I think I reeeally like this guy".
But I don't think sparks are necessary, either. I think the feeling I had when I met my SO was a bit different, but still amaaazing.
I think Nicole Kidman said it once that when she first met her husband Keith Urban it was like they were "two souls, looking for their other half who found each other and just said "Oh, <sigh> there you are." ". I think that's how I felt with my current SO. It just felt like we'd already known each other forever, and the more I got to know him, the more comfortable it was. Not a buzzing, whirlwind romance, but more of a "Oh... there you are. I've been looking all over for you." for sure.

 

[littlehooves]

hey I hear ya on the semi nomadic...but I roll kind of like "Hey I like you! I'm leaving for Australia in a month though..soo...." lol.

 

[twelvetigers]

I'm not exactly an LTR kinda girl (I think I max out at about 6 months) But I'd assume that after the wild honeymoon period, you'd know each other well enough that you'd have grown into liking something about them other than their butt.

I could be wrong.

I hope that wasn't aimed at me! I'm the only person who's mentioned a butt so far. So, I'll clarify, even if it wasn't.

My husband is about a foot taller than me, so if I hug him, my face is squarely on his chest, and my hands, well... it's not hard to reach his butt. LOL. So I usually give it a little squeeze. But, that's just what I do! It's more of a personal joke than anything else.

So it's more of a ritual than it is a lusty sign of whatever... I just like to pick on him in general.

After six years, we know each other inside out. And there was no wild honeymoon period, because we married after being together for four years. Lol.

Just, err... clarifying.

 

[lazyjayn]

No, totally not at you, actually... Just picked a body part at random. I mean... I could have said rippling pectorals, but butts are on both sexes, and the person doesn't notice you drooling/ staring as much.

 

[Poochlover11]

Twelvetigers-so were you guys high school sweet hearts?? That would be so cute!!

And your height difference reminds me of my parents. My dad is like 6'6'' and my mom is 5'2'' (only she doesn't know she is short-lol) It always seems like tall guys end up with short girls . Although I am a tallish girl with a tallish guy-so maybe that isn't always true

PS-And to add to the original discussion. My fiance and I use to have giddy butterflies whenever we were together, but know that we know each other it has moved to a much deeper level of love and commitment. I think in the beginning it is somewhat natural to be a little nervous (butterflies?)-but over time it should become more then that.

 

[VeganChick]

vagirl - i loooove date lab! It's the first thing i read in the wash post on sunday morning.

me too!!

 

[runnerDC]

oh, how i miss DC!

i still read Date Lab online every week!

VAGirl - I loooove Date Lab! It's the first thing I read in the Wash Post on Sunday morning.

 

[twelvetigers]

Okay, I was just making sure you weren't keying in on my butt reference.

Yes, technically "highschool sweethearts." I'm not sure how I feel about the term - I'll probably like it better when we're old and gray.

We were going to the same school since 8th grade when h moved here, but I mostly ignored him and don't remember him much until at least freshman year. We started dating junior year, March 24th, 2003, aged 16 and 17 (I'm a bit older). We didn't have any big plans, but we really "clicked" (to use another of those terms). We got engaged January 2006 and were married March 16th, 2007... just a week short of our four year anniversary.

I'm actually about 5'6" and he's about 6'4" so it's not quite that drastic, but he can certainly rest his chin on top of my head.

 

[littlehooves]

Okay, I was just making sure you weren't keying in on my butt reference.

Yes, technically &quot;highschool sweethearts.&quot; I'm not sure how I feel about the term - I'll probably like it better when we're old and gray.

We were going to the same school since 8th grade when h moved here, but I mostly ignored him and don't remember him much until at least freshman year. We started dating junior year, March 24th, 2003, aged 16 and 17 (I'm a bit older). We didn't have any big plans, but we really &quot;clicked&quot; (to use another of those terms). We got engaged January 2006 and were married March 16th, 2007... just a week short of our four year anniversary.

I'm actually about 5'6&quot; and he's about 6'4&quot; so it's not quite that drastic, but he can certainly rest his chin on top of my head.

Hey Twelvetigers, what a great story!! very sweet indeed. Just a question- and its not ment to be offensive at all- was it a big decision to get married at such a young age? When I graduated high school in 2004, I think one of our graduates got married the following summer, and I think 1 or 2 have tied the knot and a small handful are engaged. They are all happily married, and one of them has a little family of 2 kids now...but was it hard to tell your parents or was everyone just really supportive and happy that you two were/are so in love?(p.s....yeah 16 and 17....I'm a cougar too! My guy is turning 22 and I'm 23)

 

[twelvetigers]

Well, I can see how it would be a problem for some... but... well, I'm not sure how to explain it. We were both 100% sure that we were for each other, together, forever, the whole thing... in the deepest, most irreversible sense. I'm sure some people thought we were too young, but it seems that 4 years of uninterrupted dating (we never "broke up" or anything ******ed like that) is enough to convince most people that it'll be okay.

My parents knew him very well by the time we were engaged... he actually slept with me at my parent's house on the weekends during college because his mom worked insane hours and was never home when he was. So, they figured out that he's a great guy (it's true!) and got over any reservations they may or may not have had very quickly.

As for how young is too young, that's hard to say. 16 is probably too young. 21? My sister got married after dating a guy for four months, at age 21. Twelve years and five kids later, they're still very much in love.

I know people who married at 25 and divorced at 26.

So, it's more about being sure. You have to know the person you're choosing to spend your life with and acknowledge that you are promising to NEVER have anyone else in any way... if you know and honor that choice, and love the person you've chosen, then hey. You aren't too young. You only have to be old enough to be sure that you are, indeed, in love.

Phoo, that was a bit long-winded. anyway, I have a friend that always complains about how all her highschool friends are "getting married, and they're so stupid for jumping into things like that"... and I give her a look, and she says, "Oh, but not you and B, you guys are made for each other. Seriously."

 

[Poochlover11]

I know the term "high school sweat hearts" is a little cheesy-but I love the concept! I am such a sucker for happy endings. What can I say? I am a big fan of disney movies where everybody goes home happy! Even though I know that isn't real life.

 

[littlehooves]

cool Twelvetigers! I think something that gives young marriage a bad rep is.... Engaged and Underaged... c'mon who doesn't love that show (guilty pleasure... you know you just HAVE to watch it lol). Anyways its great to hear that you and your sweetie are living happily ever after. And really cool that you guys are so sure and mature (haha ya I should be a freestyler by night- vet by day..clearly ). I know that I've never had anything like what I have with my current bf, but at the same time- i know that I'm not mature enough, ready or financially stable to even make such a huge decision. Considering the Facebook quiz I took said I was actually 17 years old. lol.

 

[lazyjayn]

gotta go with littlehooves here- even if the Wii thinks I'm 50, I am in no way mature enough for marriage. I think it's wild that anyone is. tho I'm sure like many things I'll "grow out of it". Um... or not.

Still- I think it's amazing that anyone ever finds a person they're willing to spend the rest of their life with. I have trouble finding a pair of shoes or even a town for the next two years...

-j.

 

[twelvetigers]

Trusting Facebook quizzes isn't a good sign either.

We're sure and mature for the relationship stuff, but based on the song that B just sang for the cat (let's call it the meow-meow song, because that basically describes it) or based on the fact that I made both light bulbs in the vent hood go out when I beat it severely yesterday... after hitting my head on it. Not so mature. And now in desperate need of appliance bulbs.

 

[VAgirl]

I felt the "sparks" instantly with my first BF- it was like, "whoooah, hellooooo" but... more than just physical attraction. It's hard to describe. Just a feeling, I guess. Kinda an excited buzz of energy coming from your gut that says "I think I reeeally like this guy".

I've re-written this post about 5 times now, because I keep re-reading your comment and interpreting it differently. So I think I'm not actually responding to your comment or anything you said, but just musing...

I guess my underlying problem with a reliance on "sparks" or whatever you call it is that I guess I feel weird trusting anything that hasn't stood some sort of test of time. I certainly know what it feels like to have sparks with someone, be giddy silly about the prospect of seeing them, etc. But what does that mean? Maybe it means you're super compatible and going to have a fantastic relationship and you're feeling the excitement of that. Or maybe you're feeling excitement because you're involved in something new, and that itself is exciting. And maybe my concerns come from not wanting to put too much stock in something that may or may not be meaningful.

So when people say that someone has all of the qualities they're looking for but they didn't feel an instant spark/attraction/chemistry/zing, I wonder if that zing is too important to them. Too important in my mind because who knows what it really means? Maybe it's the beginning of an enduring chemistry. Or maybe it's the spark of lust that will die over time if/when you find you don't have the makings of a true relationship under all that "sparking."

So I guess my real issue is when people seem to focus on the spark to the exclusion of other qualities and yet still think they're looking for a lasting relationship.

Comments honestly not directed at anyone. Just my random thoughts.

 

[meadow36]

I knew the minute I saw my current BF that there were sparks; of course it took him 9 more months before he had the guts to ask me out . To me it was an instant click with his personality, and I thought he was super cute too.

I've dated other people long term (2+ years) and never felt the "spark" that I feel w/ him. It's really an unexplainable feeling, and you forget about being analytical or untrusting. It just happens and no neurotic thought in your mind is capable of stopping it.