Although it might feel that way, this isn't exactly true. In fact, it's the opposite.
There are many more SOAP applicants than SOAP spots. So, at the end of the process (regardless of what process we use), there will be candidates with no spots, but all spots will be filled by candidates. So, in that way, the "power" is in the hands of programs.
But, with the way SOAP works, programs can only offer the number of spots they have, and then applicants can get multiple offers, pick one, and that leaves programs open for another round. So, actually, applicants have much more "power" in SOAP than programs.
Kinda depends upon how you look at it, and how you define "power".
Yes. Post SOAP, the unfilled list becomes open and you can contact anyone you want, any way you want. However, not all programs will fill all slots, so even if the list says a program has an open spot, they may not. You contact programs via email/phone, and ask if they are still accepting applications for their open spot. Be prepared for lots of negative answers.
First, you didn't "mess up the match". If you ranked all 14 programs and didn't match, you wouldn't have matched no matter what order the rank list was. I don't know what happened that you didn't match -- that's worth pursuing if you don't SOAP successfully (and perhaps worth exploring in any case). You should see if there are any friendly programs that could give you feedback on your interviews. If you have a "home program" that's the best place to start, they might give you feedback. But I would wait until SOAP is over.
Regarding SOAP strategy, I agree that you should be 100% positive with every interview. regardless of your real feelings on the matter, you want to ensure as many offers as possible. Yes, this puts your own interests in front of "what's best for everyone" but that's the way the world is. The match is designed to deal with this problem, but not SOAP. So if you're asked, every program is your top choice -- and that's true, because it might be your only choice. It's unfair of programs to ask you.
That said, I understand why programs ask. You don't want to offer spots to people who won't take them, because then you might lose your 2nd choice to another program that offers them in the 1st round. But that's life.
Same as above, you want all programs to think you're their #1, and only, choice.
Yes, it is. And we don't find out whom we got until Thursday (although unless the NRMP changes that cutoff, we will now know before the 2nd round). If you're sure your partner matched there (he/she ranked it #1 - in that case they matched there unless they were not ranked by the program), you should put that somewhere in your application, presumably in the PS.
