Things I Learn From My Patients

[BKN]

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What I learned from my patients back in the 70's was to fear the Big Black Guy that was terrorizing the East Coast:

Incident #1 Baltimore 1978 5 am. We have a 35 yo white guy with a slash all the way across his anterior neck. We have control of the impressive bleeding by pressure. It must have been mostly muscular since he can talk and he isn't dead. Both surgery services are in the OR doing majors. So I've called the ENT guys and told them to get in to explore a neck for trauma. They are stunned and scared but on their way in. The police want to talk to this guy and I let them.

Policeman: What happened Mr Smith?

Smith: Well there was a knock on the door at 3 am, I opened it and there was this Big Black Guy who cut my throat.

Policeman: Where's your wife, Mr Smith?

Smith: Uh . . .She's spending the night with a friend.

Much verbal ducking and weaving follows. . .

Policeman: Mr Smith, we found the knife. How come it matches the steak knives in your kitchen?

Smith: Oh, . . .I forgot . . .there was a knock on the door at 3 am, I open it, this Big Black Guy runs into the kitchen, opens the knife drawer, grabs a knife and cuts my throat. . .

Incident #2 Ft Walton Beach, Florida 1979 5 am: I have a 23 yo white male who seems to be in considerable pain from a vegetable stuck inside an unusual place:

Me: (I'm annoyed and wish to embarrass him further) So how did this happen?

Jones: Uh. . .there was a knock on the door at 3 am. I opened it and this Big Black Guy was there with a gun and a cucumber. He waves the gun at me, tells me to bend over and . . .

So two days later I'm discussing this wide-ranging terrorist with my colleague (who is in fact 6'3" and black).

Me: Dr. ___, are you the perpetrator? Is it a relation? 😀

Dr. ___: Oh, he's big all right. Larger than life.

Here in the west it always seems to be 2-4 dudes who do these inexplicable things.

 

[docB]

Jones: Uh. . .there was a knock on the door at 3 am. I opened it and this Big Black Guy was there with a gun and a cucumber. He waves the gun at me, tells me to bend over and . . .

Here in the west it always seems to be 2-4 dudes who do these inexplicable things.

If I see 2-4 dudes coming at me on the street with guns and cucumbers I know I'd be scared.

 

[tiger_lily]

If I see 2-4 dudes coming at me on the street with guns and cucumbers I know I'd be scared.

ROFLMAO!!!!

 

[Anuwolf]

If I see 2-4 dudes coming at me on the street with guns and cucumbers I know I'd be scared.

Tell 'em that you're a doctor and if they dont do what they're thinking of doing that you'll offer them a free medical services 😎 dont be surprise however if this doesn't work, some people get even more turned on by thinking of medical 🙂

Or tell them that they'll get special treatment in the ER if neither of them would ever stop by from a gunshot wound.

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Earlier this week I learned that it's possible to survive a MVA at 90mph- Pontiac Sunfire vs tree, putting the engine into the passenger's seat- that leaves the driver with bilateral open tib/fib fx, bilateral open femur fx's (including the right one which was in no less than 15 fragments according to the x-ray in the ED), an grossly unstable pelvis, an open right humerus fracture, a flail chest with pneumo on the right and a seperate flail sternal segment, a scalp lac that would make an Apache go "DAAAAAMMMMN", and an open mandibular fracture (the only one I've ever seen in a live patient). The FAST scan revealed a ruptured spleen and a liver lac. The ED doc when giving his report to the surgeon at the trauma center goes "It would be easier for me to tell you what's not broken."

Combine all of that with a 35 minute extrication and a 25 minute transport time to a Level II trauma center and you will see why I have amazed this patient lived. In almost 10 years of EMS, this was the worst non-MCI case (excluding where I knew the patient) I have ever worked.

 

[Doula-2-OB]

Combine all of that with a 35 minute extrication and a 25 minute transport time to a Level II trauma center and you will see why I have amazed this patient lived. In almost 10 years of EMS, this was the worst non-MCI case (excluding where I knew the patient) I have ever worked.

Holy crap. 😱

 

[Dunce]

. . . a scalp lac that would make an Apache go "DAAAAAMMMMN". . .

 

[signomi]

When I was an MS3 on peds trauma we had a 17yo Amish male come in with rebar in his anus. It was in a good couple feet and had perforated the colon. He claimed he jumped off the hay loft in the barn and didn't see it in the hay below. That doesn't explain how it went perfectly through his anus... 😕

 

[DropkickMurphy]

I've seen a guy who fell out of a tree onto a fence and ended up with a picket that went in perfectly through the "out door" and exited his right buttock. So it does happen.....as unusual it is.....

 

[signomi]

I learned from a patient that it is NOT a good idea to take your 5 year old out on the playground in an electrical storm. The kiddo was struck by lightning and died after withdrawal of care. The CTs of her head/chest/abdomen/pelvis? Cooked. 🙁

 

[ERAngel]

Don't swallow quarters. No, not a kid, a 45 y/o guy.

mike

Hi Mike,

So, what happend?

A

 

[ERAngel]

My fave med pic was an x-ray I saw during EMT training... Pickle jar in rectum.

LOL.. and light bulbs here 🙂

-A

 

[EctopicFetus]

When I was in Orlando we had a guy who "lost" a screwdriver where the son doesnt shine.. They guy ate ruffage for 2 days.. no relief.. Nothing helped had to go to the OR...

 

[mikecwru]

Hi Mike,

So, what happend?

A

He eloped without notifying us.

mike

 

[Thisbee]

I just had to register to offer a hearty thanks for all you do, and allowing us non-medical folks to share in your trials and humor! I hope you don't have to put this thread into Private to keep the few grumblers out. I don't think most folks bright enough to get here, would mis-understand why you find the humor in the trauma you see each day. Clearly, though, there will be some.

And by all means, if I'm SOCMOB and am attacked by 'Some Dudes', I shall expect to see your interpetation of my case here as soon as I may be released. Considering that I may well have a hard time finding the humor in it, I shall rely on y'all to find said humor! Because let's face it, you do it so well.

So I offer you a virtual pizza, and I may well someday order a pizza for my local small, rural ED, in thanks to them, and each of y'all.

 

[kate_g]

And by all means, if I'm SOCMOB and am attacked by 'Some Dudes',

So I just have to wonder... Now that this thread seems to have been publicized quite a bit, with lots of "lay people" reading all the insider jargon... Will it come all the way back around? How long do you think it will take before one of you EM folks hears "well, doc, I was 'SOCMOB' and these two dudes..." I wonder if anyone at my local hospital is posting/reading... If I end up in the ED (and coherent enough to think of it) I just might try it to see if they know what I mean... 😀 So lemme make sure I get it right - do you say each letter, "ess oh see em oh bee" or do you say it as one word, "sockmob"?

 

[SouthernStyle]

I was guided here by a friend and figured maybe I could share a few pearls of wisdom as well from my three month trauma surgery rotation...EM rotation yet to come:

1) When your "friend" attacks you with a giant pair of scissors "for no reason" and you come into the ED bleeding from four large wounds, do not tell the cops that you were about to watch a college football game after college football season is over, that you had no pants on because you were outsmarting the other guy by getting him to let you take them off (after all jeans get heavy when they are bloody, "makes it hard to maneuver"), and for heaven's sake do not cry to the medical students who have been trying to suture you up for the past two hours that you're afraid of needles and keep trying to pull away - especially when it's midnight and one is holding a syringe full of lidocaine... (Self-restraint is a beautiful thing)

2) when you and your cop buddies are on a full speed chase and one of your buddies jumps out of his patrol car to pursue on foot, do not, I repeat, DO NOT hit him with your patrol car!

3) After you have sustained a fully displaced femur fracture when you fell off of your roof then no, you cannot go home and come back later.

4) When your friend stabs you three times and creates shallow, non-life-threatening wounds, and in self defense you take the knife from him and implant it into his chest, you probably shouldn't ask the student closing your wounds, "Man, he got me good didn't he?"

"I think you got him better."

The cop standing across from me had to stifle his laughter.

~S 😎

 

[vonmeth]

Learned from a friend ...

If you are tripping on shrooms and decide to run around outside ....
Do not be surprised (or scared), that after calling 911 and exclaiming that you are dieing, they decided to send an ambulance to come get you.
Do not proceed to run away from the ambulance.
No matter how much the ambulance looks like an alien ship, it is not actually one.
They do not give up so easily, so you might as well allow the 'abduction'.

Some Guy also likes to sell people drugs. (They asked him where he got them from ...)

 

[lilmissangel]

So lemme make sure I get it right - do you say each letter, "ess oh see em oh bee" or do you say it as one word, "sockmob"?

I vote for sockmob....it rolls right off the tongue.

 

[deuist]

I vote for sockmob....it rolls right off the tongue.

I was coming back from church and sockmobbing when these two guys came out of nowhere and stabbed me repeatedly in the chest. No, officer, I've never seen those drugs before.

 

[Anuwolf]

So I offer you a virtual pizza, and I may well someday order a pizza for my local small, rural ED, in thanks to them, and each of y'all.

Oh that sounds like a great idea! I would LOVE to do that to my local hospital, including the nurses who work for the ICU unit. (Would also make room for the Psychiatric staffs as well) I just need to count how many workers are there... I don't live in a small town but in a LARGE city. I also need to save my money, this wont be a cheap project… Unless if I can find a pizza company (Domino’s, pizza hut, Papa johns) who’s willing to donate A LOT of pizza’s 😀

1) When your "friend" attacks you with a giant pair of scissors "for no reason" and you come into the ED bleeding from four large wounds, do not tell the cops that you were about to watch a college football game after college football season is over, that you had no pants on because you were outsmarting the other guy by getting him to let you take them off (after all jeans get heavy when they are bloody, "makes it hard to maneuver"), and for heaven's sake do not cry to the medical students who have been trying to suture you up for the past two hours that you're afraid of needles and keep trying to pull away - especially when it's midnight and one is holding a syringe full of lidocaine... (Self-restraint is a beautiful thing)

2) when you and your cop buddies are on a full speed chase and one of your buddies jumps out of his patrol car to pursue on foot, do not, I repeat, DO NOT hit him with your patrol car!

3) After you have sustained a fully displaced femur fracture when you fell off of your roof then no, you cannot go home and come back later.

4) When your friend stabs you three times and creates shallow, non-life-threatening wounds, and in self defense you take the knife from him and implant it into his chest, you probably shouldn't ask the student closing your wounds, "Man, he got me good didn't he?"

Hahaha funny! Especially the first and the sec one.. I cannot believe on the 4th one that some people still believe that it’s ok for a friend to stab you… then start bragging to the ED of how good they got it.

Learned from a friend ...

If you are tripping on shrooms and decide to run around outside ....
Do not be surprised (or scared), that after calling 911 and exclaiming that you are dieing, they decided to send an ambulance to come get you.
Do not proceed to run away from the ambulance.
No matter how much the ambulance looks like an alien ship, it is not actually one.
They do not give up so easily, so you might as well allow the 'abduction'.

Some Guy also likes to sell people drugs. (They asked him where he got them from ...)

OMG! That just started my day! Extremely funny 😀 I would of love seeing this on video! Why don’t they have scene like this on the TV show, Paramedics?

 

[musiclink213]

Oh that sounds like a great idea! I would LOVE to do that to my local hospital, including the nurses who work for the ICU unit. (Would also make room for the Psychiatric staffs as well) I just need to count how many workers are there... I don't live in a small town but in a LARGE city. I also need to save my money, this wont be a cheap project… Unless if I can find a pizza company (Domino’s, pizza hut, Papa johns) who’s willing to donate A LOT of pizza’s 😀

When my dad had his heart attack and was being discharged some time later, my mom bought cookies and candies for the emergency dept, the CICU, and the regular floor he was later transferred to. Everyone went crazy over the candies she bought.

 

[Idolator]

Is this thread our culture's highest achievement in literature, medicine and the Internet? I think so.

If you come to the ER with a chief complaint of "I got bumps on my dick" I will have to look at your penis. This does not mean I'm "some kind of gayrod" and your comments are definitely not appreciated.

Having read this, I had to repeat this story from a paid intern at a clinic:

Famously obnoxious patient with a history of hitting on every female aged 16-40 in the clinic (employees or otherwise) comes in, with a penis covered in "spots." (I strangled the urge to ask what his condition was.) After a nurse sees him in an exam. room for all of 75 seconds, she storms out towards the office and asks for someone else to keep him occupied until a doctor can see him.

Thus enters the intrepid intern, who borrows a lab coat, stethoscope, and some brochures from the office and proudly marches forth. He asks the patient to drop his pants and then thoughtfully exams his penis for a moment. Sure enough, the patient tries to crack wise about his sexual orientation.

The intern, giving what was apparently a first-rate doctorly condescending look, dryly explained that he went to med school so he could explore all aspects of his "personal sexuality" and attraction to the male reproductive system, then segued to the patient's reproductive system. He calmly explained that, while they'd need to do an immediate biopsy to be sure, it was fortunate that he caught it so early, and they could probably afford to wait a few days to remove the "tumors" and "still probably save most of his genitals." He then handed the patient a few brochures on testicular and prostate cancer (as well as one on female puberty), and swiftly left the room.

I have no idea who got stuck with the burden of explaining what happened to the patient, but I understand he was much less annoying from then on. I don't know if this story will be useful to anyone, but apparently it is sometimes possible to get an ass to stop being a dick by threatening to take it away.

BFF 🙄

 

[SouthernStyle]

Is this thread our culture's highest achievement in literature, medicine and the Internet? I think so.

Having read this, I had to repeat this story from a paid intern at a clinic:

Famously obnoxious patient with a history of hitting on every female aged 16-40 in the clinic (employees or otherwise) comes in, with a penis covered in "spots." (I strangled the urge to ask what his condition was.) After a nurse sees him in an exam. room for all of 75 seconds, she storms out towards the office and asks for someone else to keep him occupied until a doctor can see him.

Thus enters the intrepid intern, who borrows a lab coat, stethoscope, and some brochures from the office and proudly marches forth. He asks the patient to drop his pants and then thoughtfully exams his penis for a moment. Sure enough, the patient tries to crack wise about his sexual orientation.

The intern, giving what was apparently a first-rate doctorly condescending look, dryly explained that he went to med school so he could explore all aspects of his "personal sexuality" and attraction to the male reproductive system, then segued to the patient's reproductive system. He calmly explained that, while they'd need to do an immediate biopsy to be sure, it was fortunate that he caught it so early, and they could probably afford to wait a few days to remove the "tumors" and "still probably save most of his genitals." He then handed the patient a few brochures on testicular and prostate cancer (as well as one on female puberty), and swiftly left the room.

I have no idea who got stuck with the burden of explaining what happened to the patient, but I understand he was much less annoying from then on. I don't know if this story will be useful to anyone, but apparently it is sometimes possible to get an ass to stop being a dick by threatening to take it away.

BFF 🙄

HA! Sounds like something I would do.

Had a pt like that once on the floor when I was a nurse aid, kept trying to flash every woman that came into his room. I didn't give him the chance. When two of the nurses went in later to bathe him, one pulled back the covers, looked at his penis and said, "THAT is what you've been trying to show us all day?" Obviously she wasn't impressed.

 

[signomi]

That reminds me of a story from when I was doing primary care. A man came in complaining of a rash on his legs, so the nurse asked him to take his pants off and handed him a paper drape to put over his lap. I round the corner to go in and he is standing in the doorway naked except for a pair of socks. I shooed him back into the room and told him to get dressed except for his pants...so he took his socks off. I gave up and dropped the drape in his lap and looked at the obvious cellulitis (the guy has diabetes and refuses meds unless he gets narcotics). I left the room and told him to get dressed. I sent the nurse to draw an A1C. She walks into the room and he is laying on the table naked except for the darn tube socks. She said, "I am not drawing blood while Mr Happy is looking at me, now GET DRESSED!" He immediately did. Damn.
So I guess I learned that all you really need is a good pair of tube socks?

 

[signomi]

double post

 

[Anuwolf]

To stop sexual harrassment from happening in the ED from the patients:

* Take off the Labcoat when entering the patients room
* Take off the scrubs when entering the patients room
* BEEE careful when putting on those rubber gloves.. certain style will arouse the patient.

Suggested:
* Wear normal clothing
* Enter the patients room with gloves already on (The slapping sounds is a turn on for most patients)
* Dont be attractive, be ugly.

Some of us patients suffer from a new disorder.. I call it Lab Coat Syndrome.. Is where people become sexually aroused when they see somebody wearing a medical labcoat, or scrubs. Theirs no cure for this disorder.

 

[Mayday]

Some of us patients suffer from a new disorder.. I call it Lab Coat Syndrome.. Is where people become sexually aroused when they see somebody wearing a medical labcoat, or scrubs. Theirs no cure for this disorder.

Except possibly dating a doctor 😉

 

[DropkickMurphy]

Or an RT.

 

[Anuwolf]

Except possibly dating a doctor 😉

oh that would be any patient's dreams! 😛

nothing more then getting FREE exams 😀

 

[Hurricane]

Things I've learned during my first week as an intern in the psych ER:

Running through the medicine ER shouting "I need help - I don't wanna kill nobody no more" buys you an immediate police escort to the psychiatry ER. Esp if you are the size of Jabba the Hut.

When you get to the psych ER, telling me "yes ma'am, I do PCP. I had some this morning. It makes me calm DOWN" in between stanzas of badly sung Barry White songs buys you an immediate 10-2-50 cocktail and a private suite.

Addendum: sniffing paint "every day, before I eat, because it makes me feel goooood" isn't so goooood for the brain cells, y'think?

 

[EM2BE]

Thought you all would be entertained by this one.

My brother broke his foot recently, and when I asked my mom which bone had broken her response was "his third mmm... I keep wanting to say marsupial, but I know that's wrong." I think every time I hear metatarsal now, I will have to giggle some.

 

[cincityghost]

When setting off fireworks, especially those resembling a mortar, do not look down the barrel of this small cannon to inspect why your explosive projectile has not yet fired.

I think this actually happened twice in just a couple of days.

 

[blueb3]

I was linked here by my wife (Student nurse going for her RN) and I must say, THANK YOU! This thread has been the funniest thing I have ever read in my life. I work in a completely different field, but am sure we see some of the same people (I handle unemployment claims) 😀 And I agree, it definately helps to laugh at these people and the dumb things they do. Yes, you ridicule them behind their backs, but you take care of them first. (and if I do something amazingly stupid enough to wind up in the ED, than by all means post me up!)

Thanks for taking the time and sharing the humorous side of your jobs. There is no way we can thank you enough.

That being said, I have a couple ED visit anecdotes(sp) to share:

If you are explaining to your safety manager how you put a nail through your hand (between the thumb and forefinger) it is not necessary to demonstrate it by repeating the accident two days later. That's right, in trying to explain how he shot the nail through his hand the day before, he shot another nail through the same hand.

If you are being taken to the emergency room for wrapping your forklift around a steel post (middle of the forks, full speed, in front of the regional VP and the entire local management team) Eating a whole bag of skittles will NOT fool a BAC test, or a tox screen. (Blood alcohol was .273 and he tested positive for everything but opiates)


Thanks again for all the hard and (usually) thankless work you do, keep the posts coming! 👍

 

[Apollyon]

Eating a whole bag of skittles will NOT fool a BAC test, or a tox screen. (Blood alcohol was .273 and he tested positive for everything but opiates)

Homer: "You have that beer with the candy in it? You know, Skittlebrau?"

Keep 'em coming!

 

[docB]

This was too cool.
34 yo male headache pateint who is allergic to everything but Demerol presents by ambulance to the ED early on a Sunday morning.
Patient: I woke up with the most horrible headache. I couldn't see straight. I couldn't walk. I had to crawl to the phone to call 911. I've gotta have some Demerol right now or I'll go out of my mind.
My partner (for whom I have a new, deeper respect): So how'd you manage to shave?
Pt stops writhing around. Quietly gets up and walks out of the ER.

 

[deuist]

This was too cool.
34 yo male headache pateint who is allergic to everything but Demerol presents by ambulance to the ED early on a Sunday morning.
Patient: I woke up with the most horrible headache. I couldn't see straight. I couldn't walk. I had to crawl to the phone to call 911. I've gotta have some Demerol right now or I'll go out of my mind.
My partner (for whom I have a new, deeper respect): So how'd you manage to shave?
Pt stops writhing around. Quietly gets up and walks out of the ER.

Very observant partner

 

[doctawife]

This was too cool.
34 yo male headache pateint who is allergic to everything but Demerol presents by ambulance to the ED early on a Sunday morning.
Patient: I woke up with the most horrible headache. I couldn't see straight. I couldn't walk. I had to crawl to the phone to call 911. I've gotta have some Demerol right now or I'll go out of my mind.
My partner (for whom I have a new, deeper respect): So how'd you manage to shave?
Pt stops writhing around. Quietly gets up and walks out of the ER.

Yo, my husband the IT guy understood the awesomeness of that! And it reminded him of a self winding watch Columbo or some such... some things are universal.

 

[Jeff698]

So how'd you manage to shave?
Pt stops writhing around. Quietly gets up and walks out of the ER.

Man, why don't my drug seeking patients respect logic? Mine would have made up some crap like 'my razor is automatic...it shaves me in my sleep'.

Or, their default position....

"Oh wait, I have chest pain! Yeah, that's it; chest pain!"

Their result will be the same, they're just going to make me work harder for it.

I hate these life-force-stealing-soul-sucking patients. Grrrr.

Take care,
Jeff

 

[deleted6669]

Man, why don't my drug seeking patients respect logic? Mine would have made up some crap like 'my razor is automatic...it shaves me in my sleep'.

Or, their default position....

"Oh wait, I have chest pain! Yeah, that's it; chest pain!"

Their result will be the same, they're just going to make me work harder for it.

I hate these life-force-stealing-soul-sucking patients. Grrrr.

Take care,
Jeff

one of my pts on em rotation in october in upstate ny(cold outside, snow on the ground, etc): "give me a tuna fish sandwich or I'm going to say I have chest pain and you will have to keep me here all night...."
given sandwich...and left quietly without chest pain.....

 

[DogFaceMedic]

If you are too drunk to drive after partying all night and it is now 0800 Sunday morning. Then, let your under-age girlfriend (whom you served ETOH earlier) drive for you. But don't where your seat belt and leave the window open. So, when she rolls your top-heavy SUV you can fly out of aforementioned window, land in the brush, and only break your femur.

She wore her seat belt, was OK, and did not have a good lie for the police.

Officer: was that your truck, son.
Pt: yes.
Officer: did you let your girlfriend drive?
Pt: yes.
Officer: thanks.

 

[flighterdoc]

one of my pts on em rotation in october in upstate ny(cold outside, snow on the ground, etc): "give me a tuna fish sandwich or I'm going to say I have chest pain and you will have to keep me here all night...."
given sandwich...and left quietly without chest pain.....

"And I'll find some reason to do an LP on you, and shove the biggest damned foley they make (the ever popular '3-alarm' size) into your bladder. Now, do you want to GOMER, punk? Do you?"

 

[SoCuteMD]

Pt arrives with CC: "These people are driving me crazy."

HAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA!!

 

[Anuwolf]

Cc?

 

[DrMom]

cc = chief complaint

 

[doctawife]

Cc?

Chief complaint. Docs are supposed to put the chief complaint in the words of the patient, eg. 'my back hurts' etc... but that stops sometime after the third year in med school. Everything pretty much gets shortened to some kinda medical slang - RADE (reactive airway disease exascerbation) or CP (chest pain) and so on.

In some places, the nurses write the chief complaint, and they do stick to the patient's own words. Which is when the fun ensues!

 

[SoCuteMD]

Chief complaint. Docs are supposed to put the chief complaint in the words of the patient, eg. 'my back hurts' etc... but that stops sometime after the third year in med school. Everything pretty much gets shortened to some kinda medical slang - RADE (reactive airway disease exascerbation) or CP (chest pain) and so on.

In some places, the nurses write the chief complaint, and they do stick to the patient's own words. Which is when the fun ensues!

Normally our nurses shorten it, but that one was in quotes...

 

[JelloBounces]

So it's 1.30 AM and I should be asleep, but I must say, this thread must be the funniest thing I've ever read!

I'm not a doctor...the closest thing that I have to medical training is the First Aid class I took in high school... (My good friend's boyfriend is a paramedic; I've had fun times reading through his training manuals...I always think it'd be nice to volunteer until I get up to the chapter about soft tissue injuries. Still can't handle that!)

However, having actually needed the services of my ED in early June (granted, when the BIG glass of Prune Juice didn't work, I should have known something was up, and not waited until the next morning....the wonderful doctor/nurse/someone dressed in scrubs to whom I placed my trust had me on dilauded....), I would very much like to say Thank You!


So, umm, yea...Thank You!

 

[JaySin]

Im a pc helpdesk tech by day and volunteer emt-b by night. Basicly my life is nothing by problem solving. This thread is awesome. Im going to add a story or two... bad spelling and all.

Before taking 2 bottles of oxycodone squeeze yourself into your dirtiest spandex pants, stained t shirt and naturally yellowed sports bra. Then waddle out to your standard cab ranger and wedge yourself behind the wheel. After you've done your best to immitate a sardine drive to a newly created road and call your ex boyfriend and tell him your going to kill yourself. This makes life intresting for everyone involved.

On the plus side i now know i can lift 300+ pounds.

I had a emt student ride along that day. She was still in high school. I had her cut the clothes off but she kept the sports bra on. After we dropped the woman off i asked her why she did that. Her response was " I didnt think anybody wanted to see that.". She going to do great in EM.

 

[a_ditchdoc]

What I learned from my patients back in the 70's was to fear the Big Black Guy that was terrorizing the East Coast:

The guys is, unfortunately, still roaming around.

I recieved a call early one morning for a sick/injured person, "unknown problem, needs an ambulance." I arrived to a rural home to find a 40ish year old white guy lying on the floor of his living room. He looked baaaad. I asked his wife what happened to him as I started examining him, noting to myself two bullet wounds, one each in his chest and abdoman. Wife: "He called me from a pay phone. I went to pick him up and this is how I found him. He said he had been kidnapped" I'm not very comfortable wihth the environment so I load this guy really quickly and start care as the police arrive. The guy is still concious with a a crap pressure, tachy, and tension pneumo...so lines/decompression etc....on the way to the hospital. I note that the two bullet wounds appear to be in different stages of healing. One wound is fresh and the other, the abdominal wound, looks quite a bit older with dark crusty blood around it. He also seemed very dry for a guy with acute bleeding. Me: "What happened?" Him (struggling): "I was kidnapped ...by some... big black guy. I tried to escape... and he... shot me." Me: "You are really sick, we are going to do everything we can for you, but you need to know I might be the last person you get to tell the real story to...last chance." Him: (pause) "Yeah...it was...some black guy."


I kind of thought that he was involved in drugs and some deal probably went bad. But, I was wrong. His disgruntled wife shot him the previous night in the stomach in an effort to kill him. She waited patiently...all night long...no luck...the guy just laid there moaning. She finally got up the nerve to shoot him again the next morning. Still no luck, but he's looking like he might die any time now. So, she calls a friend to help her move the body into the grave she had already dug out back. The friend, feeling in a bit of a pinch, calls 911 and tells them "Someone needs an ambulance!"

So, I have learned a lot in my years of EMS:

1) If someone says they have had "two beers", they are lying. (No relation to the story by the way, just the most commonly heard lie)

2) If some white guy ever tells me it was "Some black guy(s)", even if I witnessed the beating myself, I will be skeptical.

3) That I am not stoic, macho, or loyal to my significant others. I am entirely certain I would have been screaming with my last breath "That bitch shot me.......it was her...twice...tell the police..."