Things I Learn From My Patients

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If you use "stop" as your safe word, then you don't get to use "stop" as part of your, erm, scenario. Once the parties have agreed on what the safe word is, then "stop" can mean other things, like "stop a little bit" or "less" or "more" or whatever floats your boat.

That's sorta the point: people who enjoy being able to do and say stuff that's outside their normal comfort zone need a way to communicate the idea of "stop," while the word itself is otherwise busy. So you get a safe word.

I swear I didn't learn this from patients (actually I learned it from Sex and the City), but some patients could have benefitted from knowing it, no doubt.

This concludes Febrifuge's BDSM Minute. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled EM thread.
 
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Febrifuge said:
If you use "stop" as your safe word, then you don't get to use "stop" as part of your, erm, scenario. Once the parties have agreed on what the safe word is, then "stop" can mean other things, like "stop a little bit" or "less" or "more" or whatever floats your boat.

That's sorta the point: people who enjoy being able to do and say stuff that's outside their normal comfort zone need a way to communicate the idea of "stop," while the word itself is otherwise busy. So you get a safe word.
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Feb-
After reading this post, I have written you a long, slow pm. ;)
 
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I know I'm not a doctor, or even a med student yet, but I just got this article on another message board I'm a part of. Sorry if this, or a variation of, have been posted before, but 32 pages is a lot of stories.

Anyways, Just don't
 
Yes, you can have sex with your wife in between her contractions. However, the obstetrician is really not going to appreciate it.
 
You can have drunken monkey sex in your ICU bed (small ICH, admitted for obs). However, they have cameras in all the rooms and that IS why everyone smiles at you, not because of your sparkling personality.

Did I mention that they also did it on the floor, the poor nurses aide will never be the same.

-Mike
 
I'm a NICU nurse, but I've made my share of trips to the ER -- mostly with one or another of my sons, the rest were at their school where I inevitably regretted answering in the affirmative when someone said: "Mrs. Tigger, you're a nurse, can you look at this?

1. Yes, you can practice your sword form with a sharp sword instead of the wooden practice sword, but if you are even a little off, it'll hurt. Please do NOT call 911 once your brother manages to achieve hemostasis because explaining this to the doctor will be interesting enough without also having to explain it to the police.


2. When you run full tilt into a branch with your eye open you should not continue to play soccer for another half hour before coming in to report that your vision is cloudy. No, you cannot have supper before we see the doctor about that.


3. When mom yells at you to stop bouncing that superball and go to bed NOW, she does not mean that you should slam it off the wall at eye level just one last time.


4. If you stand on your brother's foot and push him down the stairs, mom will STILL be annoyed with you when she gets home from the ER.


5. If it's smoking, it's hot. Really hot. No need to touch it just to make sure.

6. If your foot will not straighten out after you fall on the playground, recess is over for you. No you may not continue to play soccer today.

7. What did your mother say those spots were this morning? Chickenpox. I thought so. Go to the office and call her. No, we don't care that you caught them from one of your classmates.

8. If your eyes are swollen shut from burning poison ivy last night, you need to go see your doctor NOW, not after school.
 
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Rbrav said:
Yes, you can have sex with your wife in between her contractions. However, the obstetrician is really not going to appreciate it.
Click to expand...

Well that's just fantastic news. I can't tell you how often my sexual advances are put off by her saying "Not now, I'm having a baby".
 
Rbrav said:
Yes, you can have sex with your wife in between her contractions. However, the obstetrician is really not going to appreciate it.
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Coda to this one:

Yes, you can have sex with your 28 week pregnant girlfriend who is hospitalized for pregnancy induced hypertension, but don't be surprised if her blood pressure goes through the roof and she needs a stat C-section.
 
Overheard after 4 uniformed security officers trooped into the next cubicle:

Yes sir, that nurse CAN be a bitch some times, but if you swing at her my associates and I will put you in 4 point restraints.
 
If you can't afford to get B12 shots, just go ahead and take two B6 pills. You can't argue with math.
 
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Hawaiian Bruin said:
If you can't afford to get B12 shots, just go ahead and take two B6 pills. You can't argue with math.
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That reminds me of a joke Letterman had years and years ago: "Roman Polanski announced he was dating a 42-year old woman. As he said, 'The way I see it, she's equal to 3 14-year olds!'"
 
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If you have been coughing and gagging for two days, please make sure to wait until your owner has asked for an urgent appointment, causing schedule-rearrangement headache for the receptionist and much rushing and panic for your owner - and if at all possible try to wait until you are *just* pulling up outside the office - to just go ahead and sneeze that pesky blade of grass up your throat and out your nose all on your own. Best if you make sure to be otherwise perfectly healthy and absolutely none the worse for wear when somebody finally examines you. Everyone will get a good chuckle and appreciate the fire drill, and nevermind all those rolled eyes.

Of course this patient was a cat, but I'm guessing you could substitute in a parent and child and maybe a penny in the ear or a green pea up the nose, and have a situation that rings a bell for many...
 
Don't hide a thing from the doctors. Tell them whatever random thought crosses your mind.

Doc: "So you've been taking crack?"
Pt: "Uh-huh." *scratches ear while glancing around exam room*
Doc: "And now you're not feeling good?"
Pt: "nuh-uh." *shakes head*
Doc: "Would you tell me what you mean?"
Pt: "Well, I jest ain't feelin good...like I'm onna throwd up...and chest pain right here." *rubs chest over sternum*
Doc: "Is it a sharp pain, pressure...?"
Pt: *thinks for a moment* "I means, if I had a gun, I'd rob everyone up in here."


He was homeless and it was a little cold outside. I think he wanted a place to sleep and he remembered his chances of being admitted were better if he became a psych case. :laugh:
 
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Rbrav said:
Yes, you can have sex with your wife in between her contractions. However, the obstetrician is really not going to appreciate it.
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Oh sweet jeebus.
 
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ssquared said:
This thread is so funny, I just had to contribute (nope, not a doc, just a lowly premed, but this did happen to somebody I personally knew)

It's always a good idea to do backflips off the roof of your house into the bushes below. And when one of the branches of the bush goes straight up your anus, cuts clear through the intestine, and punctures your stomach, just go to the bathroom and pass out so your dad can find you soaked in blood a few hours later.

Oh, and once you've healed from surgery, go to a parking lot and try to throw a molotov cocktail. Expect hold the thing upside and light your arm on fire, and while trying to put out said fire, break both of your ankles.

(I've got more, too. I went to high school with a bunch of kids who had absolutely no common sense.)
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Wackie said:
Darwin failed us.
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It sounds like he's giving it a hell of an effort though.
 
ERMudPhud said:
I used to ride the greyhound from NYC to Providence every weekend during first year of med school to see my fiance. I found that if you sat in the aisle seat and opened the photographic anatomy atlas (author?) nobody would sit next to you.
Click to expand...

People also tend to leave you alone when you're sitting at Subway eating lunch whilst (I just love using that word) looking at the Rohen/Yokochi photographic atlas.
 
Wackie said:
Don't hide a thing from the doctors. Tell them whatever random thought crosses your mind.

Doc: "So you've been taking crack?"
Pt: "Uh-huh." *scratches ear while glancing around exam room*
Doc: "And now you're not feeling good?"
Pt: "nuh-uh." *shakes head*
Doc: "Would you tell me what you mean?"
Pt: "Well, I jest ain't feelin good...like I'm onna throwd up...and chest pain right here." *rubs chest over sternum*
Doc: "Is it a sharp pain, pressure...?"
Pt: *thinks for a moment* "I means, if I had a gun, I'd rob everyone up in here."


He was homeless and it was a little cold outside. I think he wanted a place to sleep and he remembered his chances of being admitted were better if he became a psych case. :laugh:
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CLASSIC!!!:laugh:
 
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Even if you're a plesently psychotic guy who's off his meds but is being cooperative you won't win friends or favor by addressing everyone in the ED a "c---------r" (reference to someone engaging in oral sex)

Seriously this guy called everyone he met c--------r. He was real polite. "Hi c--------r." "Thank you c--------r." It just seemed funny after awhile.
 
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The fact that you "sometimes get frustrated" is a perfectly legitimate reason to cut open your forearm and, over the course of a week, insert a bolt, a pencil, and several chicken bones.

Wish I had a copy of the X-ray. And yes, he was a psych patient.
 
Rbrav said:
The fact that you "sometimes get frustrated" is a perfectly legitimate reason to cut open your forearm and, over the course of a week, insert a bolt, a pencil, and several chicken bones.

Wish I had a copy of the X-ray. And yes, he was a psych patient.
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You might be guilty of stereotyping. Or not. Did he have a good story to go along with his loot?
 
when you are hunting and fall out of your tree stand and break your back in three places, call your friends first. they can carry you over a mile to the road where you can meet the EMT.
 
Rbrav said:
The fact that you "sometimes get frustrated" is a perfectly legitimate reason to cut open your forearm and, over the course of a week, insert a bolt, a pencil, and several chicken bones.

Wish I had a copy of the X-ray. And yes, he was a psych patient.
Click to expand...



Chicken bones? I'm picturing someone finishing their dinner, getting mad, rolling up their sleeve, then cram. :laugh:
 
Rbrav said:
The fact that you "sometimes get frustrated" is a perfectly legitimate reason to cut open your forearm and, over the course of a week, insert a bolt, a pencil, and several chicken bones.

Wish I had a copy of the X-ray. And yes, he was a psych patient.
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And how big was the pencil? was it like a whole new pencil or one of those teensy sharpened down to the nubbin ones? sheesh.
 
Orthonut said:
And how big was the pencil? was it like a whole new pencil or one of those teensy sharpened down to the nubbin ones? sheesh.
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Yeah, and was it a wood #2 pencil or a mechanical pencil?
 
This tip comes to you from family members of a not-really-a-patient.

Yes, bring your family member to your ED of choice to have an autopsy done. They'll be happy to do it for you. Bonus points if the body comes from BFE.

:eek:
 
When you are 89 years old, wheezing and cyanotic, that is the best time to sign out AMA to "go to the bank" at midnight. And the young family member had no problem co-signing the AMA form.
 
Today, a patient taught me a new etiology for pneumaturia detectable on CT scan: her partner took the phrase "blow job" literally.
 
Febrifuge said:
If you use "stop" as your safe word, then you don't get to use "stop" as part of your, erm, scenario. Once the parties have agreed on what the safe word is, then "stop" can mean other things, like "stop a little bit" or "less" or "more" or whatever floats your boat.

That's sorta the point: people who enjoy being able to do and say stuff that's outside their normal comfort zone need a way to communicate the idea of "stop," while the word itself is otherwise busy. So you get a safe word.

I swear I didn't learn this from patients (actually I learned it from Sex and the City), but some patients could have benefitted from knowing it, no doubt.

This concludes Febrifuge's BDSM Minute. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled EM thread.
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"The safety word is 'banana'"- Family Guy
 
Paws said:
I'm wondering, did the wife say ok to this ... or is that part of the problem ... ?

:scared: :barf:
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The major part of the problem is that she said "yes" 9 months earlier.... :laugh:
 
If you must shoot meth don't buy it from a guy you don't trust. Especially if you think he wants to kill you by putting penicillin (to which you are highly allergic) in your meth. If, after you have shot up with the suspect meth, you develop anxiety, palpitations, sweating, racing thoughts and all the other things you expect from meth use don't assume that this is your penicillin allergy.

The really funny thing about this case is that the guy was convinced this new dealer he bought from was trying to kill him with PCN laced meth which is pretty stupid. Based on the story and the clinical picture it's more likely that the dealer (who he now hates) sold him the purest meth he'd ever encountered.
 
I'm a first year Podiatry Student, but worked as an ER Tech for 5 years prior to matriculation, this is just a story, one of the funnier things I witnessed:

Man comes running into the ER screaming and yelling (literally) about how he's short of breath and needs to see an ER doc "stat." I ask him to sit down, wait to be triaged and we'll get to him shortly. He complies, 10 min later (after being triaged and registered) comes back into to triage room yelling about not being able to breathe, starts to escalate and gets right up in my face so I tell the clerk to call the cops. Officer comes, starts to
talk to the man, he begins to yell at cop and gets in his face, shoves cop, cop takes the man down and starts to handcuff him, all the while, the mans wife is standing to the side yelling, "be careful, be careful!! He's got the Ammonia, he's got the Ammonia!" It took me a minute, then I realized she meant that he had the Pneumonia. I still laugh at that one, guy was never seen, went to jail for assault on a police man.

Another lesson I learned:
Patients know more than you, they have access to the internet, you just went to 4 years of undergrad, 4 years of medical school, and 3 years of residency and most likely a fellowship, what do you know about medicine? I just love it when the Doc tells them something then they tell you you're wrong-gotta love patients sometimes.
 
Don't try to fight with your ER doc about what might be "possible" 'cause Hell, anything's possible. I had a 60ish YO M BIBA for stroke symptoms x ~8hrs. EMS had found him in Afib with RVR and gave him adenosine. When he got to me he was still in Afib and I had to rate control him some more. He had no cardiac symptoms even with the rate. I explained to him and his wife that he probably went into Afib some time ago (days or weeks) and had his stroke from throwing a clot caused by his Afib. The wife asks if it's "possible" that he's having a primary stroke and the Afib developed from the stress of the stroke. I answered that it's possible but a lot less likely than the scenario I had explained. So then she says that they keep a record of his BP and pulse and it hadn't been fast or irregular. I answered that he could have been in fib but with a normal rate and that the irregularity can vary (hence irregularly irregular). So then she gets annoyed and says she just knows the fib didn't start before the stroke symptoms that morning. Ultimately I just had to say whatever and tell her that anything is possible. I don't know why she was so invested in her version. The guy had no history of any of this so it wasn't an insurance preexisting condition thing. Whatever, could it have been an alien death ray? Sure! Anything's possible.
 
Hey DocB, why are you so quick to discount the alien death ray?

It's aliens, I seen 'em!

I did have a schizophrenic patient once in the ER who claimed that his shoes were given to him by aliens and gave him special powers.

He actually demonstrated the moonwalk for me and it was suprisingly good, for a 50+ YO cracker.

-Mike
 
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Chronic Student said:
Hey DocB, why are you so quick to discount the alien death ray?
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Oh I'm not. I've had several patients where it was the only thing I could come up with. I've been in ERs long enough to know that every good EM differential includes Alien Death Ray, Voo Doo Hex and Fibromyalgia.
 
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Speaking of crack and age:
I learned that teenage girls that want to look older can use lots of crack and meth, and then they look old.
Two females, 48 & 58 yo, reinforced the aging lesson: both unresponsive following crack recreation and they looked respectively 68-78. Perhaps its only the ED lighting that makes them look old.
 
We must not forget the mob, CIA, russians, being possessed, bodily thetans and the hole in the ozone.

Funny thing is I had a psych professor who was consulted about a schizophrenic man in the ER who was convinced the FBI was following him.

He got admitted and the FBI did show up several hours later. Just because you paranoid...

-Mike
 
Turn of the snowblower before you try to manually disimpact it.
 
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