Things I Learn From My Patients

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It's definitely a good idea to check your .22 pistol to make sure there's not one left in the chamber when you go out shooting. However, it's generally not advisable to check by aiming it at your thigh and pulling the trigger.
 
Unzbuzzled said:
It's definitely a good idea to check your .22 pistol to make sure there's not one left in the chamber when you go out shooting. However, it's generally not advisable to check by aiming it at your thigh and pulling the trigger.
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Or hand. I saw that at a show once, and it was a licensed dealer. I wonder if these people test wires by licking them.
 
"So your child has a fever?"
"Yes, his temperature is 483 degrees."
"Wha...how did you come up with that number?"
"Well, I don't have a thermometer, so I opened up the oven and turned it on. I put one hand on my child's forehead and one hand in the oven, and at 483 degrees they felt the same."
 
xaelia said:
"So your child has a fever?"
"Yes, his temperature is 483 degrees."
"Wha...how did you come up with that number?"
"Well, I don't have a thermometer, so I opened up the oven and turned it on. I put one hand on my child's forehead and one hand in the oven, and at 483 degrees they felt the same."
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:laugh: It's the sort of story that leaves you feeling a bit incredulous, but you just can't make up stuff like this. Just...wow. lol
 
At least they didn't use the oven to try to keep him warm, or the fridge to cool him down, eh?
 
If for whatever reason you are feeling bored, you definitely should not unscrew the projectiles from .22 rounds and light off the powder in the casing, because eventually one WILL send shrapnel into your eye, with no Ill effects except a lacerated sclera fortunately (unfortunately?) sparing you your eyesight but earning you a visit to two trauma centers and a lot of medical bills.
 
Ghostnineone said:
If for whatever reason you are feeling bored, you definitely should not unscrew the projectiles from .22 rounds and light off the powder in the casing, because eventually one WILL send shrapnel into your eye, with no Ill effects except a lacerated sclera fortunately (unfortunately?) sparing you your eyesight but earning you a visit to two trauma centers and a lot of medical bills.
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Indeed. Everyone knows you're supposed to crush the primed case with vise grips. This is clearly part of the decline of the public school system.
 
MikeWilliamson said:
Indeed. Everyone knows you're supposed to crush the primed case with vise grips. This is clearly part of the decline of the public school system.
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I think he actually may have been doing that. Or at least holding them with pliers while lighting them off...
 
"Common sense is so rare it should be considered a super-power."-Unknown
 
Last night I learned that if you have an in-grown toenail, it is best to come into the ED at 9:00 on a Saturday night. Right as 8 other people come in at the same time. Your wait time wont be that long because toenail pain is an EMERGENCY.

It must be fun to have someone else cut your toenails for you. Isn't that called a pedicure?

dsoz
 
We all know you love your girlfriend which is why you brought her to the ER when she started feeling ill. But you will actually not get better care if you look at the nurse as she gets ready to start an IV and say "If you hurt her I'll kill you."
 
docB said:
We all know you love your girlfriend which is why you brought her to the ER when she started feeling ill. But you will actually not get better care if you look at the nurse as she gets ready to start an IV and say "If you hurt her I'll kill you."
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This is one of those things that earns the boyfriend an immediate escort out. I have no tolerance for this crap.
 
HopefulERDOC said:
"Common sense is so rare it should be considered a super-power."-Unknown
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Oh contrair . . . Common sense seems to be above all the most equally distributed quality among men. Of all the things people wish for, better looks, better health, more money, more common sense is never the one that is requested. It is thus easy for us to conclude that it must be found in abundance among all men.
 
Insert a cotton swab into your urethra while your pleasure yourself. That way said swab will find its way up into your bladder where it will absorb the urine, swell, and get stuck in your urethral sphincter.
 
You did it! Congratulations!

You got out of your restraints and eluded your nurse and have escaped.

However...

You are now barefoot and naked except for a flimsy gown on the street in the middle of the night in freezing temperatures.

Perhaps you didn't really think this through.

Now once you find yourself in this position and you flag down an ambulance for a ride to the bus station you should not be surprised and start punching the crew when they take you back to the hospital.
 
I'm not in medicine (though I briefly considered it before deciding I like sleep too much).

This thread has provided me with many laughs, I find it hard to imagine how some of these patients made it past infancy. Thank you!
So I though I'd contribute (didn't get to see this first hand, just the aftermath).

When inflating a flat wheelbarrow tyre, be sure NOT to gradually add air and monitor the pressure.
Just jam the inflator on to that sucker and hold down the lever whilst firmly gripping the tyre with your dominant hand.
The tyre will know when it's fully inflated and just stop taking air, right?
There's no way that the tyre could, I don't know...explode, taking your fingers with it in the process?

Something learned whilst being a patient:
When coming out of general anesthesia, the last thing you want to hear is a surgeon on the phone to another surgeon (because he doesn't want to do it) to book his mother-in-law for surgery to fix her rectal prolapse...he really didn't hold back on the details :scared:
 
If smoking has left you, at age 50, penniless, toothless due to the chemo, unable to eat, unable to talk or breathe, and addicted to pain meds, make sure you continue to smoke cigarettes in your room, between gasps from your OXYGEN MASK. If your face was the last thing you had left, you'd think you'd want to preserve it. These people make me sad, but sometimes you want to just shake some sense into them.
 
Please. Fish those odd objects out of your feces and bring them to the hospital in a little baggie. Refuse to believe that they are not gallstones, even when they are cut open for you to see that they are really just undissolved pill capsules. Argue the point ad infinitum. Have a nice day!
M
Ick!
 
med2UCC said:
Please. Fish those odd objects out of your feces and bring them to the hospital in a little baggie. Refuse to believe that they are not gallstones, even when they are cut open for you to see that they are really just undissolved pill capsules. Argue the point ad infinitum. Have a nice day!
M
Ick!
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Wait... so pills don't dissolve in the digestive system? 😕
 
DrQuinn said:
Ah, that's the best one yet... thanks for the laugh! :laugh:

If those two dudes broke your arm while you were walking home from Church on a Friday night, and the trauma surgeon fixed it via external fixation, DO NOT by any means use a wirecutter to remove it 4 days after discharge.

Q
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Yikes
 
med2UCC said:
Some don't. Most do. There is one of the blood pressure pills that comes in a capsule that does not for some reason. She was on it. Cheers,
M
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It's by design. The pill has a small hole in it and is permeable to water. As the osmotic pressure forces water into the pill, the active ingredient is forced out the hole. It's a method of extended release. The shell of the pill isn't degraded by GI enzymes and acids otherwise the dose would just dump in all at once.
 
med2UCC said:
Some don't. Most do. There is one of the blood pressure pills that comes in a capsule that does not for some reason. She was on it. Cheers,
M
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Ah, thanks!

eagles22 said:
It's by design. The pill has a small hole in it and is permeable to water. As the osmotic pressure forces water into the pill, the active ingredient is forced out the hole. It's a method of extended release. The shell of the pill isn't degraded by GI enzymes and acids otherwise the dose would just dump in all at once.
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OK, this makes sense. I had no idea that that's how extended release pills work, so thanks! 👍
 
med2UCC said:
Please. Fish those odd objects out of your feces and bring them to the hospital in a little baggie. Refuse to believe that they are not gallstones, even when they are cut open for you to see that they are really just undissolved pill capsules. Argue the point ad infinitum. Have a nice day!
M
Ick!
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I almost would have just given up and said "yes they're gallstones, here's the name of a surgeon, have a nice day", but I don't know any surgeons that I dislike that much.
 
Rendar5 said:
I almost would have just given up and said "yes they're gallstones, here's the name of a surgeon, have a nice day", but I don't know any surgeons that I dislike that much.
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I know a couple of veterinarians that I dislike that much... 😡
 
Rendar5 said:
I almost would have just given up and said "yes they're gallstones, here's the name of a surgeon, have a nice day", but I don't know any surgeons that I dislike that much.
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No, me neither. I've told a select few the story though, and they have been highly amused. Cheers,
M
 
I'm not a doctor, nor am I in school to become one. I do have a 15 y/o who is hellbent on going into medicine, and I spent 6 very long years as a vet tech, and to add in the fun - have multiple auto-immune disorders so I've spent enough time with doctors to probably have finished school.

A friend had to send me this link.

And while I was not the doctor in this story, it's still going around the hospital....

If you are 6'2" and are attending the local college as a wrestler, it's all well and good to go to your local dojo.

However, if you go in and declare that you are not training with the 5'2", 125 lb female because "Girls can't wrestle" - if EVERY guy in the place starts to roll on the floor laughing - reconsider your position.

If warned of the female's training with a certain team based in Brazil - do not prove your stupidity by saying "I wrestle, I am not stupid enough to box." Furthermore, when your coach then slaps his hand to his head, reconsider your statement.

At that point, those in charge will say you can stay, if you roll with the female. She will be a willing participant. Please reconsider your decision to take this offer up.

Because you are clearly so big and tough, you agree. This is a poor move, as you have pissed off the female. This is never a good option.

When you attempt to shoot her legs, she will let you. And then proceed to roll with you, and get your arm in a kimura and refuse to let go. Now, you being a wrestler of some note should understand to at least some degree, if you are locked in a kimura, you will tap or it will snap. If you don't, your coach who is present SHOULD know that. Apparently he thought you were equally stupid and didn't warn you.

Your college wrestling career got kissed goodbye when your elbow dislocated and your arm was nicely fractured in 4 places.

The ER will not believe you were SOCMOB'ed while you were reading your Bible. Given as those who took you to the ER are willing to say you got your ass kicked by a petite female. Alas, an RN at the hospital also trains with her and will point out she got put in judo at 5 by her father and has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu at the least. So it doesn't work quite so well.

Yes, I'm the idiot female who broke some idiot wrestler's arm. He knew enough to protect his neck so I couldn't do my usual of choking someone out for being stupid. But I'm pretty sure his wrestling coach didn't like the idiot too well as he didn't stop the idiotic behavior when I had a kimura locked.
 
emedpa said:
another important lesson: if you are a womean with a clitoral hood piercing you should not have intercourse with a man with a prince albert penile piercing
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Nah, just make sure you are both wearing appropriate jewelry. Captive bead rings can't interlock. Just plain curved barbells are generally safe. A circular barbell down there is asking for trouble.

DH does piercing and tattooing. I know a little too much at times.
 
SaveTheDaleks said:
Nah, just make sure you are both wearing appropriate jewelry. Captive bead rings can't interlock. Just plain curved barbells are generally safe. A circular barbell down there is asking for trouble.

DH does piercing and tattooing. I know a little too much at times.
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Your username... OMG! 😀 :laugh: 👍
 
Why, thank you! I rather like your avatar, cute cat!

I would like to apologize to the resident who I freaked out a few years back. I tried to get the urgent care doc to understand that I didn't have pinkeye, but failed. 3 hours later, I gave up and visited the ER with lovely green pus from my eyes and greenish yellow mucus from my nose, caused by my lovely sinus infection that UC said was pinkeye.

I do apologize for giving the young man quite the battlement of what on earth is the treatment, and then making it worse by knowing the medication as this was not the first round of this fun.

Further apologies for having a normal CBC on Thursday, feeling fine Friday and Saturday morning, get the first sign of eye drainage that looks like pinkeye at 8pm then visiting the ER at 11pm on a Friday. That was also the 13th.

I'll bring pizza next time I wind up with an ER visit. Which usually occur because I have 5 boys who like to forget their brains sometimes.
 
Because I clearly spend WAY too much time in the ER - this round, it was one of the boys being typically stupid, tripping over his own feet, and cut a nice gash in his forearm that would not stop bleeding long enough for me to glue it and despite the butterfly deals, it just was not staying closed. So off to the ER we trooped. Where it was not bleeding so long as the demon spawn known as my child held still, so he wasn't a dire emergency.

Please note - I do NOT care at all if we have a long wait. I'd much rather have a long wait, because it means that the kid or I is not in bad shape, it's just more than home care or waiting for the doctor to open. 4 hours, fine by me! It's the bringing the kid in and being taken straight back that will have me in a panic.

So Stupid Child (SC) and I are waiting. He's happily playing some game on the iPad, I'm reading on my reader. Also waiting, tho' by the time of the giggle session already back, is a 3 y/o little boy who will very proudly tell EVERYONE that he's 3, he put a Lego from his brother in his nose, he can't get it out and Mommy said Daddy was the stupid one who can't watch a toddler, so Daddy had to take him to the ER.

Now, in MY world, when the child applies nailpolish to their father's fingernails, there are a few options.

1 - go to wife and get the polish cleaned up so it's at least slightly presentable. DH did this today, which is why I remember this event. DD couldn't decide between pink or purple glitter, so he has both. It's very cute. You are man enough to have a child, you are man enough to be confident in wearing the polish your child applies to your nails.

2 - hope the child (or children) did not hide the polish remover, and remove the polish. My poor father frequently hoped for this, but always went on to the next.

3 - withhold allowance until the child returned the polish remover. Which doesn't work when the child is of age where working is allowed and/or has older brothers who are equally amused and thus give child money instead.

4 - go to the store and buy polish remover, then use.

Alas, the young man who came storming into the ER with quite the polished fingernail emergency did not seem to understand the 4 options. And he felt like being QUITE loud about how it was a very serious emergency and he needed the doctor RIGHT NOW to take the polish off. Which was further amusing as he apparently got pants 3 sizes too big so he was trying to hold them up to the appropriate sagging level of 2 sizes too big, while gesturing about with the clear traumatic emergency of fingernail polish.

As I'm clamping my hand over SC's smart alec mouth (hrm, he didn't get that from me.....) as to avoid starting problems with the polished idiot, I believe everyone in a 2 mile radius hears the 3 y/o pipe up in a very not inside voice "YOU CAN GO TO CVS AND THEY WILL SELL YOU POLISH REMOVER!!!!"

Please note, to GET to the ER, you must drive past CVS. And as the little 3 y/o voice dies down, there is dead silence. And everyone other than the young polished idiot hits the ground rolling. And the young man slunk/waddled away with his tail between his legs and his pants around his knees.

Hey, at least he did drive himself to the ER, so there wasn't any cost to the state for this emergency.

SC wound up with 12 stitches. And he's still SC, so we've been back. Eventually they do grow brains, right?
 
So my Stupid Teenager (ST) decided it's a grand idea to pick up a hot glass bowl full of ramen with one bare hand, which then lead to him yelping and dropping said hot glass bowl with hot ramen on his bare foot. So ST and I are now in the ER because urgent care doesn't take the burn cases - it's not the burn I'm worried about, it's the glass in ST's foot.

But I've come to realize if your toddler LOVES wintergreen candy, you apparently shouldn't leave a brand new tube of Icy Hot out where child can reach it, or they will eat the entire contents. I don't get how or why a kid would eat that stuff, it's got to taste and feel awful. But none the less, the child ate the Icy Hot. And when parents bring child in, it's apparently a very very bad thing as child was rushed back.

I'm not sure what happens from eating Icy Hot, but I think I can fairly safely assume it is nothing good. I'm glad to have learned this before I decided that really, that stuff has got to be tasty.
 
SaveTheDaleks said:
I'm not sure what happens from eating Icy Hot, but I think I can fairly safely assume it is nothing good. I'm glad to have learned this before I decided that really, that stuff has got to be tasty.
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The "icy" comes from menthol (in and of itself dangerous) and methyl salicylate... roughly 15x more potent on a gram/gram basis as acetylsalicylic acid (aspirin).

A whole tube is potentially lethal - especially in kids.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using Tapatalk
 
Daiphon said:
The "icy" comes from menthol (in and of itself dangerous) and methyl salicylate... roughly 15x more potent on a gram/gram basis as acetylsalicylic acid (aspirin).

A whole tube is potentially lethal - especially in kids.

Sent from my DROID BIONIC using Tapatalk
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Ewww, ick! That is nasty. I know what's in Icy Hot, but just never really put a and b together about why it'd be toxic.

All I have to say is while I may have Stupid Teenager, Stupid Adolescent, Stupid Tween, Stupid Child, Stupid Kid and one lone Stupid Daughter - at least they are past the age of putting weird things in their mouths.
 
I spent 6 very long years as a vet tech, and to add in the fun - have multiple auto-immune disorders
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5'2", 125 lb female
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she got put in judo at 5 by her father and has a black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu at the least.
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that is the moest thing I have ever read 😛 😍 :luck:
(my fellow Luckies will understand)

in the vein of Stupid Young Person...

when cutting an apple into eighths,

1. By all means pick the sharpest knife in the house to do it (the boxcutter)
2. Make sure to be cradling the apple in your palm, and the direction of cutting is INTO the palm
3. Enjoy the queasiness of your gut as you observe your tissue layers separated
4. Bonus points awarded for somehow NOT having any blood on the knife whatsoever (even after the minute inspection of the blade tip) 😱

(yes, the fool in question is yours truly)

w/regard to metal rings around the c0ck/finger and metallic FBs.... when I read these stories of calling the fire team with Buzzsaws 😱 I thought of a chemical method instead (I'm a chemistry student)

any EDTA/thiocyanate/thiosulfate/oxalate/citrate compound (except the iron complex of course) or the free acid, eg oxalic or citric acid, will dissolve iron but not flesh. Whether using the salts or the acids, some buffer is needed (the pH turns alkaline as metal is dissolved), even bicarb will work here in absence of sodium dihydrophosphate.
a gas vent is needed for FBs because hydrogen is evolved
a last option is ferric chloride (FeCl3), this does not evolve hydrogen, and is astringent to the point of stopping bleeding... if the sharp FB is a blade FeCl3 will work well
(a blade's edges could also be dulled by running a DC current with the positive lead attached to the blade, about 0.5 V to 1 V, although I'm not sure how the nerves will take it 😱)
 
Aquar1us said:
any EDTA/thiocyanate/thiosulfate/oxalate/citrate compound (except the iron complex of course) or the free acid, eg oxalic or citric acid, will dissolve iron but not flesh...
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!!

Love it. In a few years I'll be dissolving cock rings in the ER with thiocyanate compounds. Sparing the underlying flesh.

👍👍

(all the disclaimers about exothermic reactions, etc., apply, of course :laugh:)
 
Aquar1us said:
w/regard to metal rings around the c0ck/finger and metallic FBs.... when I read these stories of calling the fire team with Buzzsaws 😱 I thought of a chemical method instead (I'm a chemistry student)

any EDTA/thiocyanate/thiosulfate/oxalate/citrate compound (except the iron complex of course) or the free acid, eg oxalic or citric acid, will dissolve iron but not flesh. Whether using the salts or the acids, some buffer is needed (the pH turns alkaline as metal is dissolved), even bicarb will work here in absence of sodium dihydrophosphate.
a gas vent is needed for FBs because hydrogen is evolved
a last option is ferric chloride (FeCl3), this does not evolve hydrogen, and is astringent to the point of stopping bleeding... if the sharp FB is a blade FeCl3 will work well
(a blade's edges could also be dulled by running a DC current with the positive lead attached to the blade, about 0.5 V to 1 V, although I'm not sure how the nerves will take it 😱)
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There you go, there's your research project for your residency!
 
Things I learn:

When asked if you have ever had heart problems there is no need to mention the AMI and cardiac arrest you had two weeks ago. It's more fun for me to discover it on my own.

'I didn't think that was the sort of heart problem you meant.'
 
CajunMedic said:
There you go, there's your research project for your residency!
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This sounds much more interesting than my current project at the VA. Gonna have a chat with my attending.

JustSpeechless said:
Things I learn:

When asked if you have ever had heart problems there is no need to mention the AMI and cardiac arrest you had two weeks ago. It's more fun for me to discover it on my own.

'I didn't think that was the sort of heart problem you meant.'
Click to expand...

We had a patient with a CC of angina who declared he never had any surgical procedures done, but chest xray revealed a stent. He claimed he didn't know about it being done, and I actually believe him.
 
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