Transfer question

[mha87]

---

Members don't see this ad.

Hi all,
First I want to say that I am a long time lurker, and I wanted some advice regarding experiences and options.

I am a PGY2 in an advanced position residency in one part of the country. I have just started here and I am so far happy here. My wife has an ongoing family issue that requires here presence, as she is the only care giver available to her family. They live in a different part of the country. It is looking more and more like she may have to move back home indefinitely for the near future at least (2+ years).

If the time period she would be away were much shorter, I would not give second thought to the possibility of transferring to the same type of advanced program, but because this is looking more long term, this is an option I feel like I must look in to.

I wanted to ask if anyone of you have been in a similar situation, and what options are available. I was also thinking about talking to my PD soon (not sure exactly when is the best time) about the possibility of transferring, but I was not sure if I need to find a spot first (?NRMP violation) or talk to my PD and ask if they could help me find a spot somewhere else. I also would complete the year before leaving. Thank you again for your help.

 

[NotAProgDirector]

There are several threads about this. There are no "rules" to violate -- as long as you complete the first 45 days of your residency (which you've already done) then there are no NRMP violations (or any other violations) no matter what you do.

If you have a supportive PD, I'd talk to them first. They might even be able to contact programs in the area you're looking for to see if there are any PGY-3 openings. This assumes that your performance is fully satisfactory.

If your performance is not fully satisfactory, you should seriously consider staying where you are.

If your PD is a maniacal narcissist, which if you read enough SDN threads apparently happens, then you're better off trying to find a spot on your own, and then telling him/her about it.

 

[gutonc]

If your PD is a maniacal narcissist, which if you read enough SDN threads apparently happens, then you're better off trying to find a spot on your own, and then telling him/her about it.

Actually, if SDN is to be believed, EVERY PD is a maniacal narcissist and the only reason they even exist is to ruin the careers of hardworking residents who have never done anything wrong and only want to help people.

But I digress.

 

[Buzz Me]

Actually, if SDN is to be believed, EVERY PD is a maniacal narcissist and the only reason they even exist is to ruin the careers of hardworking residents who have never done anything wrong and only want to help people.

Except for aPD.

 

[Winged Scapula]

Except for aPD.

Are you sure?

 

[shopsteward]

Obviously I know nothing about your wife's family, but going by family dynamics in general, I would be very wary of any statement that "the only option is for her to completely give up the life she is making for herself for two years or more".

For a start, there are probably some sexist assumptions going on, that it has to be a woman who is the caregiver.

Then you say she is the only caregiver "available". Actually, no, she is not available. She lives in a different part of the country and has obligations which tie her to that part of the country - a husband who has made a long-planned move there and who would risk a successful career by moving (moving is not certain, and you might not be moving to so good a place for you and would have the difficulty of fitting in as a latecomer). So your wife is not "available".

Also, how long is this situation to go on for? You say "two plus" years. That is not an emergency, that is a long-term problem that needs solid long-term solutions. If your wife gets embroiled in that and is unable to break away, she could end up losing her marriage, her career, and any possibility of having children. Over the years there have been many women who have given up their own lives to look after relatives, and find that when that duty is over their own lives have passed them by. I bet if you look around you will find you know some.

There is probably some guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail going on here, some of which is external and some of which has been so internalised it is difficult to recognise. But you and your wife need to get together with all the rest of your wife's family and find some sustainable solution which does not involve one person sacrificing their future. If there is any money in the family to pay for care (up to and including the sick person selling their house and cashing in their pension) now is the time to use it. If there is no money to pay for it, then apply to social security and charities - don't let your wife become a martyr to someone else's pride.

I'd be interested to see if anyone comes back to say that I'm being heartless. My view is that sentimentality and outdated cultural norms are not the viable long-term solution which is needed here.

 

[mha87]

Thank you all for the replies.
I am in good standing with the program. I feel it may be best just to come out and be honest with the PD so everyone is on the same page, I don't want to risk losing their trust.

As for the most recent post, I can see where you are coming from and i appreciate your input, but as you said, you don't know anything about the family or the situation.

Would any of you be able to share any experiences similar to this, first hand or based on a colleague. I did do quite a bit of searching, most were due to being unhappy with the specialty or not being happy at the current program.
Thanks again.

 

[cabinbuilder]

Obviously I know nothing about your wife's family, but going by family dynamics in general, I would be very wary of any statement that "the only option is for her to completely give up the life she is making for herself for two years or more".

For a start, there are probably some sexist assumptions going on, that it has to be a woman who is the caregiver.

Then you say she is the only caregiver "available". Actually, no, she is not available. She lives in a different part of the country and has obligations which tie her to that part of the country - a husband who has made a long-planned move there and who would risk a successful career by moving (moving is not certain, and you might not be moving to so good a place for you and would have the difficulty of fitting in as a latecomer). So your wife is not "available".

Also, how long is this situation to go on for? You say "two plus" years. That is not an emergency, that is a long-term problem that needs solid long-term solutions. If your wife gets embroiled in that and is unable to break away, she could end up losing her marriage, her career, and any possibility of having children. Over the years there have been many women who have given up their own lives to look after relatives, and find that when that duty is over their own lives have passed them by. I bet if you look around you will find you know some.

There is probably some guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail going on here, some of which is external and some of which has been so internalised it is difficult to recognise. But you and your wife need to get together with all the rest of your wife's family and find some sustainable solution which does not involve one person sacrificing their future. If there is any money in the family to pay for care (up to and including the sick person selling their house and cashing in their pension) now is the time to use it. If there is no money to pay for it, then apply to social security and charities - don't let your wife become a martyr to someone else's pride.

I'd be interested to see if anyone comes back to say that I'm being heartless. My view is that sentimentality and outdated cultural norms are not the viable long-term solution which is needed here.

While the quote above may be harsh, it is a reality of many families we see in the ER, the hospital, the nursing homes. Many times the "one" daughter is guilted into giving up her life for the "greater good" of the family when in reality there needs to be a solid long term care solution whether it hospice, assisted living, home health care, adult day care, dementia ward placement, moving parents closer to available family (instead of the other way around). Nobody wants to put their family member in a nursing home but many times it's just too hard to be a solo 24/7 caregiver. True, we do not know the situation of the OP but I would find it hard to stomach if my spouse up and left for 2 years to move back home when there may be other options to look into.

 

[dozitgetchahi]

While the quote above may be harsh, it is a reality of many families we see in the ER, the hospital, the nursing homes. Many times the "one" daughter is guilted into giving up her life for the "greater good" of the family when in reality there needs to be a solid long term care solution whether it hospice, assisted living, home health care, adult day care, dementia ward placement, moving parents closer to available family (instead of the other way around). Nobody wants to put their family member in a nursing home but many times it's just too hard to be a solo 24/7 caregiver. True, we do not know the situation of the OP but I would find it hard to stomach if my spouse up and left for 2 years to move back home when there may be other options to look into.

Ditto. I've lost count of the number of examples of this I've seen, and usually they end pretty sadly for the person who got conned into being 'the caregiver' because everyone else was 'unavailable'. Being a solo caregiver is much more intense than most people seem to realize - depression and even suicide are much more common in that group than in the general population.

OP, chances are that you're in-laws' situation isn't really unique. Tread carefully, don't let your wife get conned into anything stupid, and certainly don't compromise your own opportunities to facilitate this. Your wife's family needs to figure out long-term care plans that don't involve dragging away one member and putting her into indentured servitude. It's harsh, but damn true.

 

[cheruka]

Some of us here have been married for a long time. Some of us have been marreid more than once. So, you are getting some good advice here. A marriage is a committment you an your wife made. The best support you can offer your inlaws is to send her to her parents' home a bit more frequently than say once a year, just for a visit. No more. If they are in the same town as you, fine. she can oversee somethings (not everything) but you are her main focus and any children you guys may have. You and your wife are not at a point to become the FT babysitters of your inlaws, not just yet.

 

[drcrispmd]

PD do not want an empty spot in their residency. I would be surprised if you got help to leave their residency to go to another. I don't know how your residency is set up, but if was ours, it would throw off a lot of schedules. Also, when applicants are applying and notice an empty spot, they ask questions and it could end up hurting the program in the match. You will most likely have to find a spot yourself and set everything up.

 

[robberbaronista]

Some of us here have been married for a long time. Some of us have been marreid more than once. So, you are getting some good advice here. A marriage is a committment you an your wife made. The best support you can offer your inlaws is to send her to her parents' home a bit more frequently than say once a year, just for a visit. No more. If they are in the same town as you, fine. she can oversee somethings (not everything) but you are her main focus and any children you guys may have. You and your wife are not at a point to become the FT babysitters of your inlaws, not just yet.

Can't stop LOLing at the comment about marriage advice: "some of us have been married more than once. So, you are getting some good advice here."
Yeah because your advice worked so well for "some of you".
OP: Keep your head up, do what your gut tells you is best for your family. Not what is best for you program, not what is the easiest to do, not what someone else on this interchange tells you to do after their 30 second situational psychoanalysis. Do what your GUT tells you is best for YOUR FAMILY. Anyone who faults you for that has a shaky moral compass and does not understand the true meaning of responsibility.

 

[dozitgetchahi]

Can't stop LOLing at the comment about marriage advice: "some of us have been married more than once. So, you are getting some good advice here."
Yeah because your advice worked so well for "some of you".
OP: Keep your head up, do what your gut tells you is best for your family. Not what is best for you program, not what is the easiest to do, not what someone else on this interchange tells you to do after their 30 second situational psychoanalysis. Do what your GUT tells you is best for YOUR FAMILY. Anyone who faults you for that has a shaky moral compass and does not understand the true meaning of responsibility.

It's not his family, it's his wife's family, and arguably not his responsibility. I would not compromise my own career just to help take care of my inlaws, and I would not expect my inlaws to do the same for me. This has nothing to do with a 'moral compass' and everything to do with one family's apparent failure to plan for end-of-life care for one of their own members.

 

[rokshana]

It's not his family, it's his wife's family, and arguably not his responsibility. I would not compromise my own career just to help take care of my inlaws, and I would not expect my inlaws to do the same for me. This has nothing to do with a 'moral compass' and everything to do with one family's apparent failure to plan for end-of-life care for one of their own members.

ouch! kinda thought that part of getting married is your spouse's family becomes YOUR family as well...my maternal grandmother recently passed and my father mourns her death as it was his own mother...