Your Most Memorable "Chief Complaints"

[SawBones]

I was recently having a discussion with some fellow medical students regarding our most memorable "Chief Compaints" that patients presented with. I thought it might be entertaining if we started a similar thread here. I'll start:

"I have a lazy penis" -- This was from a patient who had just urinated all over the waiting room and the exam room. All of the other patients were now "waiting" outside, rather than endure the stench of the waiting room. The attending said to me, "Thank God I have a medical student... please go figure this one out." As I proceeded to exam the patient, I noticed that his hand was wrapped up. After unwrapping his hand I said to him, "Sir, your penis is the least of your concerns. I'm afraid that half of your finger is missing."

"Swing lo sweet chariot!" -- This was from a patient with schizophrenia.

Please share any you might have.

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[Chunky Monkey]

Great topic!

Here's the funniest one I can remember:

"My poop is stuck...all I can do is fart." He went on to describe the noises he would make when he could go (something about plopping and splashing...). It was all I could do to keep a straight face!

 

[minime]

My favorite "I've got a fishbone stuck in my ass"
(Sure enough, he had a fishbone stuck up his ass.

 

[hossofadoc]

My favorite is "I haven't been able to crap for days!" We x-ray him and on the x-ray you can read Noxzema....it was really interesting listen to the story of how that got there!

 

[jhug]

is there a pill to get rid of my freckles?

one guy had an eight ball up his anal canal-- talk about amazing stories

 

[deleted6669]

C/C in upstate new york in the middle of winter from homeless guy: " I want a turkey sandwich and a nap".

 

[SawBones]

I just remembered another one...

"Where did the meatballs go?" This was some psychotic woman who was obsessed with her stool. She then went on to explain how she ate meatballs and brown gravy for dinner one night, and for the the next two days all she noticed in her stool was "brown gravy." She was concerned she had a bowel obstruction secondary to obstructing meatballs. At one point she stated, "I have the brown gravy in the car, should I bring it in?" I replied, "No thank you."

 

[RockandRolldoc]

This one comes via my father who is a Gastroenterologist.... He once had a patient: " Doc you gotta help me, I have a HYENAL Hernia"


On a side note..... i hope everyone goes to see the movie "Bowling for Columbine", Michael Moore's latest.

 

[LovelyRita]

Awesome thread...I don't have anything to offer since I'm still a first year....

But in my old career as an Apheresis Specialist, I had a patient who referred to Vincristine as "Vin-Christian"

I second Rockand roll's pick on "Bowling for Columbine". My kind of movie.

Ciao
M.
UHS 2006

 

[Castro Viejo]

"Doc, it all started forty years ago when I married this woman and her appalling skill in the kitchen."

God bless Medicine patients.

 

[DOnut]

bump...tihis is great!!

 

[mass51]

We get a lot of calls from women looking for prescriptions for 'Bloussant,' some strange pill advertised in Cosmo that claims to increase bust size by 2-3 cups. Can you imagine calling your doctor to ask for that!!

 

[Dr JPH]

Patient comes to the ED...we get the chart from the triage RN and under C/C it says "pt feels 'silly'"

When the doc asked for clarification from the triage RN she said "I dunno...this guy came to the desk and told me he feels silly. He says he has no pain, takes no meds, has no PCP, doesn't feel like he is going to hurt himself, doesn't want to hurt other people...if you can find a better reason why he is here, then I will gladly chart it for you."

Come to find out, the pt was a well-known psych patient (at another hospital) who went off his meds and showed up at the wrong ED. After the psych counselor met with him and called around, she found out the pt visits the other ED on a weekly basis due to his off-med "silly" feelings.

 

[deleted6669]

RECENT FB'S REMOVED FROM THE RECTUM IN MY ED:some pts are responsible for more than 1 entry:
rainbird sprinkler
beer bottles
light bulbs
manakin arm
various sex toys
screwdrivers
fruit(blueberries actually)

the complaint is almost always "constipation". or "I passed out at a partyand someone put something in my butt".

 

[Elysium]

I'm not a med student yet, but I'm currently working at an internist's office. We have lots of Medicare folks (frequent fliers). One of our 89 year olds recently came in because she had somehow managed to get runover by her motorized wheelchair. Thankfully, the dog groomer was there to rescue her, so all turned out fine. Taking the h&p was tough going though.

Me: So how did this happen?
Her: Well, one minute I was sittin' in my chair and the next thing I knew the damned thing was running me over. Liked to have killed me.

This is Texas, remember.

 

[double elle]

In the ER one time, (I worked in ER admissions) - there was a gentleman who said he fell in the shower and a Raid can went up his butt

 

[double elle]

Oh, I forgot about this one...

We had this lady who would always come to the ER because of her Brain Tumor.......

That's all she would say...

Us - why are you here
Her - I think I have a brain tumor.

 

[Dr JPH]

Doesn't everybody keep Raid in the shower?

 

[jhug]

 

[dobonedoc]

. . . and I quote:

"Strange bumps on my Ding-Dong."

Dx: molluscum contagiosum.
Tx: Cold spray on the Ding-Dong.

Gotta love derm!

 

[DrQuinn]

CC: "The walls of my penis blew out"

Story was this guy was getting a BJ from his ladyfriend, and as he ejaculated, he said she put her tongue on his urethral orifice to block it, and the walls of his penis blew out from the pressure.

Yup. That's what he told me. Anyways, he just wanted a referral to a urologist, he didn't want to be examined.

Upon examination, he just had GC.

Great story though.
Q

 

[mistirvr]

My two favorites:

Pt. #1 - c/c "I've got gas in my heart." I theorized that it was indigestion and she became indignant and insisted that there was gas in her heart, that her heart had stopped for a while earlier that day until she was able to burp, and that it would probably stop again if I didn't help her NOW.

Pt. #2 - c/c "I need a colostomy bag."
What I liked about him was my discovery when I inspected the colostomy site: "Sir, why did you duct tape your colostomy closed?"
His reply? "Well, I can't have **** falling all over my shoes!"


Good times.

Missy
NSUCOM 2006

 

[Elysium]

Another good one.

77year old white male presents with knee pain.

Me: So what did you do to your knee?

Him: Well, I was going down on my girlfriend for over an hour. I was kneeling in front of this doggone chair. Killed my knee, but that old girl just loves oral pleasure.

Me: (mouth agape) Hmm. Maybe we should decrease the testosterone injections we've been giving you.

Yes, that's right, every 2 weeks he shows up for his testosterone injection so that he can "go all weekend".

Neat.

 

[DOnut]

Ok I remember one.

I was working for an Ophthalmologist as a tech and a woman who came in said, "the other day I looked out my bathroom window and I saw a bunch of little blue people running all over the place."

I swear it took everything in me to not bust out. To make it worse all I could think about is the song to the Smurfs La la la la.

 

[save10]

i got three. not so much CC's but still funny

1) this kid come to the peds office with a nice little furuncle on her leg. Its erythemous and there is some discharge, but nothing an I&D and some keflex couldnt fix. Well the MA who's doing the intake writes this on the chart "CC: ***** sore". I never let her forget about that.

2) working in the ER and one of our frequent flyers comes in. Big guy, kind of abrasive. He yells out "I'm gonna shoot myself! I'm gonna shoot myself!" We werent to concerned because the paramedics had cataloged all his possesions and he was in a gown. there wasnt any guns around. But he kept yelling, "i'm gonna shoot myself!" I was thinking psych consult. But then we figured out what he was talking about. he wasnt saying shoot. replace, if you will, the "oo" with an "i". he said he was going to **** himself and he did. Code Brown right there in front of the nurses station.

3) As a pre-med volunteering at the level one trauma center. They get a call "incoming stab wound" so everyone gets ready. So in rolls this obese elderly lady with a large two pronged barbeque fork stuck in her side. She looked like a 400 lb turkey in a green mumu. It was a serious situation, but the site of this lady, injuries aside, was hilarious. All these professional docs in the ER couldnt control themselves. A few had to leave because they were laughing so hard. The head guys tells me that in his 30 years of practice he's never seen anything like that. Apparently the lady had slipped and skewered herself on the fork.

 

[group_theory]

One time a 12 yo short white obese male came into a peds ED.

Trying to gain control of the obesity problem, the mother forbid the child from eating any junk food - instead providing carrots as a viable and only alternative (nothing wrong with that).

Well, the child was quite voracious - and over a month period in time, his skin turned orange.

Anyway, so here was this kid - short, fat, with blond hair, and orange skin. The moment I saw him - I want "OMG - that's a Umpa-Lumpa"

I had to leave immediately before I couldn't control myself and start singing "Umpa-Lumpa do bitty do" out loud.

 

[SawBones]

A 16 year old male comes into the ER after an "experimental session" involving a bottle of mouthwash and his rectum. Unfortunately, during this session the cap to the bottle became dislodged and remained implanted in his rectum. Numerous attempts by PAs and physicians failed to remove the bottle cap.

An hour later, the mother shows up and the following conversation ensued:

ER Doc: "I'm sorry, but I think we're going to have to take your son into surgery in order to have the cap removed. We've paged the colorectal surgeons, they are on their way."

Mother: "Oh, let's wait. Can we transfer him over to Hopeless Memorial [hospital name changed, obviously], his father is chief of surgery over there."

ER Doc: "Uhhhh... you sure that's what your husband would want? Maybe you should call him first."

Mother: "Sure thing."

At this point, the mother picks up the phone and calls Hopeless Memorial and speaks with her husband. After explaining the details of the story, she hangs up the phone.

Mother: "On second thought, he felt it was a better idea to keep him here."

 

[Sweaty Paul]

I got one, a fourth year I am on service with in IM just had a patient tell him this during his admission H&P:

MS IV - "Are you allergic to anything?"

Pt. - "I'm allergic to bad p*ssy, but then again isn't everyone."



Sweaty

 

[ckent]

My most memorable cc's have been those that have been lies. Whether the pt had a factious/malingering disorder, or was simply drug seeking, it's usually not clear. I've had a number of these pt's already, and have learned a lot of good sign's for tricking them (Waddell's signs, stethescope sign, and a couple of good neuro tricks too that no one has bothered to name or that I don't know the name of). It's really surprising how many pt's will flat out lie to you about their pain or symptoms and of course their history. That's one thing that's changed about my perception of pt's since I've been in med school, I used to assume that everyone that saw their doctor would tell their doctor the truth. Now I think 5-10% flat out "lie" for various reasons, and another 20% will exagerate or bend the truth. Of course it's probably different if you don't live in the city known as no. 1 in the nation for drug addiction problems. I've helped place a central line in pt who made up all of these symptoms but we couldn't get iv access to but needed to rule out pulmonary embolism, one almost got cathed because I couldn't convince the cardiologist that he was malingering (fortunately he backed off of his chest pain complaints and moved on to abdominal pain, which we then dismissed his complaints and d/ced him), and another was an former hard-working married woman who used to have 2 jobs but was now clearly malingering for disability and addicted to prescription narcotics. It's a good thing that people in medicine document what "tricks" they have learned that are effective on patients, they are very useful in distinguishing the pt's with organic problems vs other problems.

 

[Sweaty Paul]

This hasn't been a good month for MS IV on his internal med rotation. His most recent strange experience was as follows:

Crazy Elderly pt pretending to be asleep.

MS IV: "you mind if I ask you some questions about why you are here at the hospital"

C. E. Pt: "Get my nurse and get me a bedpan."

MS IV: " O.K." he finds her nurse and requests a bed pan. He then returns to C.E. Pt room and asks "While we are waiting for the nurse to bring your bed pan would you mind if I ask you some questions?"

C.E. Pt: Scrunches up her face, bares down, and defecates herself in her bed w/poor MS IV rigfht there witnessing it all.

The look on MS IV's face was absolutely priceless after that one.

Sweaty

 

[womansurg]

Originally posted by save10
So in rolls this obese elderly lady with a large two pronged barbeque fork stuck in her side

We've got some nice pics of a guy thrown in a motor vehicle crash, impaled through the abdomen on a fence post. The paramedics just cut down the post and transported the patient with stump sticking out - which is the absolute correct thing to do in order to prevent exsanguination at the scene. The foreign body is often tamponading bleeding, and when it's removed all hell breaks loose. The guy was totally awake and alert, laying there with a wooden post sticking out of him.

We took him to the OR and pulled the post out under general anesthesia. Laparotomy then demonstrated no significant intrabdominal injury, amazingly enough. Everything had just been pushed aside as the post passed through.

 

[nebaker]

My favorite was this older gentleman that came in to the doctor I was working with during my preceptorship. He didn't want to tell the doctor why he was in with me standing there so the doctor asked me to step out. I was almost out of the room when I hear,
"Doc, I'm having a problem doin' my job!" He was referring to erectile dysfunction. The doctor yelled to me, "go get Mr. ____ a sample pack of little blue pills!"

 

[LovelyRita]

TODAY!

Nurse: "So what brings you in today?"
Pt: "Well, I know I'm being crude, and there's a medical student here, but....my ***** hurts!"


M.

 

[DOPhD student]

A friend of mine who graduated already recounted this CC to me. An elderly couple came into the office. The gentleman was about 80 or so and his wife was in her late 70's. The husband's CC, and I quote, "I can't 'mount' my wife anymore."

 

[Homunculus]

Psych stories are a dime a dozen, but this one has stuck with me.

Me- "So Mr. xxxx, how are you doing today?"

Him-- "OK i guess. . . the psych doctors say i'm schizophrenic, but i don't think they're right"

Me- "Really, why is that?"

Him-- "Well, schizophrenic people just hear voices. . . I hear God"

 

[soluentgreen]

Some of the funniest stories I have had in med school come from St Barnies in the South Bronx.....
guy in his 20's, talking really low:
"I just had sex with a dog and I need psychiatric help."

This dialogue took place after one of my first rectals ever, done blindly on a 500+ woman wedged into the stretcher, laying on her side:
"Lady, did you wanna get ass or pu**y?"
"emm..... a rectal, ma'am."
"Well, I think you just got youself some p***y!!!!"

 

[LovelyRita]

 

[Anasazi23]

Surgical attending: "So how do you feel today sir?"

Patient: "Like stir fried ****!"

This was a homeless guy that was recovering from an ORIF of the tibia, which resulted from his running through the streets of NYC drunk, trying to avoid the pursuing police with a beer bottle in his hand.

 

[THE O]

The Best two:

When I was an EMS Worker:

We got a call for Unconsious/Unresponsive (CPR Call)
Upon arriving found a panicked naked 70 year old woman and with a dead naked 70 man.....they were doing...well...you know....

we couldn't get into the house since she was to distraught to open the door so we had to knock it down....

We titled the call:
"He Came and Went"

When I worked in The urology dept at Loyola-Chicago:

PT: I have a woody penis
DR.: How do you mean
PT: I don't know its just woody, take a look...I'm not embarrased
DR: (I swear) WOW!! It is!! it just sorta hangs there its not up or down...
How long has it been like this?
PT: Two weeks
DR: Geez...Ive never seen this...let me get some one....
DR2 (ED specialist): Wow...it just stands there! Geeze...Refer him to U of C...and give him some Proscar (an alpha blocker prostate drug) for christs sake....

THE O Strikes again!

 

[annushka]

while working as a receptionist in a medical office, i heard a lot of them. my favorite was an elderly lady calling us up. we all knew her, she was a sweetheart, so we all were concerned b/c she seemed panicked. then she explained the situation. turned out her husband (they're both in late 70's), got a "younger" lover (50's) and took one too many viagras, and his blood pressure just shot through the roof.

 

[LovelyRita]

bump

 

[Boomer]

1. Thought this was urban legend--until I actually saw it: Follow up/check up, naturally, abbreviated F/U, CK-Up.

2. "***** balls in stool." Still not entirely certain what to make of this.....

3. Pt.:"These little f***ing bugs keep crawling on my skin, and the bastards hide in my tear ducts."

Me (1st rotation as an MS3, mind you): "What are all those spots on your jeans?"

Pt: "Bleach. I use bleach to kill the mother f***ers."

Me: "I thought they hid in your tear ducts?"

Pt: "Yeah, I put bleach in there with a q-tip."

Me: "Have you seen other doctors? Have they given you anything to kill the bugs?"

Pt. at this point produces a list of topical steroids/antibiotics about 6 or 7 items long that have been prescribed for these critters over the past year.

Me: "Has anyone tried to give you a pill to kill these bugs?"

Pt: "You mean, like penicillin?"

Me: "Close. But, the one I had in mind is called Haldol......"

 

[VentdependenT]

Not a chief complaint but..

As I am performing a rectal exam on an elderly alzheimers patient the patient's daughter asks "are you single?"

Another one:

me: So wait a second, you do have bloody stools?
pt: yes.
me: have you ever been worked up for this?
pt: yes.
me: What was found?
pt: Oh, the bleeding only gets worse after rough anal sex.
....ahh off to the land of rectals yet again.

Man, if I have to look under another pannus fold for cellulitis I'm giving up. Thank God for anesthesia. 11months to go.

 

[no-see-um]

3. Pt.:"These little f***ing bugs keep crawling on my skin, and the bastards hide in my tear ducts."

Could be pediculosis. "Don't always think the patient is a nut who complains of bugs on their skin." -An old parasitology prof.

 

[Boomer]

Could be pediculosis. "Don't always think the patient is a nut who complains of bugs on their skin." -An old parasitology prof.

I should mention this was a psych rotation at a VA, and the guy was nuttier than Chinese chicken salad.

Oh, and he drank more than Vent.....

Besides, anyone who'd put bleach in their f'n tear ducts , even if the bugs were real, qualifies as whacked out of his gourd.

 

[edmadison]

My surgery preceptor told me this one from when he was an intern.

I saw a patient who had been shot and when asked by the attending what the CC was I said penetrating gunshout wound to the left chest resulting in pneumothorax.... I was then chewed out for several minutes by the attending for not using the patient's own words. Next day I'm presenting the patient in rounds and state his CC as "Some mother F*cker shot me".

Ed

 

[SexyEgptnDr]

this one comes from my dad who was an ER doc:

On a Sunday morning...a mother brought her 5 year old son to the ER after his baptism...

Dr. Dad: what brings you to the ER?

Pt's Mom: my son drank holy water.

Dr. Dad: well, your son looks fine...did he throw up? does he have a rash?

Pt's Mom: no. but i know they put stuff in there and i want him detoxed.

after my dad and many nurses tried to explain that holy water is meant to be holy, my dad finally gave the child an injection of saline and said that the two water entities would battle it out and he would be fine. she left happy.

 

[Mossjoh]

Another foreign body story....18 year old male in the ER for object in rectum.

Abdominal film reveals a one foot long broom stick handle from the splenic flexure of the colon pressing against the diaphragm to the sigmoid colon...went to OR for removal

 

[BrooklynDO]

from ortho :
Consult to the ED for a 34 y/o male MVA victim who broke almost every bone in his body:

me: sir, why dont you tell me what happened?

Him: well, me and my buddies were drinkin and I had one too many... I knew i was TOO DRUNK TO WALK HOME, so I TOOK MY BIKE

 

[H0mersimps0n]

ahh the good ole EMS days...

ME: hello miss, what seems to be the problem today...

young female in her 20's: "well I've been having this belly button pain for a few weeks now"

ME: ok, and nausea, vomitting, diarrhea?"

HER: no

ME: when was the last time you had your period

HER: six months ago...

...and yes the call came in over the radio as "belly button pain"

it wasn't my call but I've heard "male complaining of scrotal pain" over the radio which was hilarous

also, I've had a psych once who would lapse in and our of insanity. When she was "in it" she claimed she didn't feel well and denied being able to speak spanish... she would then procede to slouch and start taking in spanish to her imaginary friend. This repeated itself the entire ride to the hospital...

...and finally my all-time, never forget for as long as I live a woman we picked up out of a delapitated "church" in the middle of inner city, no one is saying anything, no idea where the family is, she start started becoming unresponsible and uncooperative. Couldn't verbalize anything and someone say maybe a history of psych. We get her on the stretcher she starts flipping out, was angry, not answering questions then after having the police hand-cuff her to the stretcher to avoid my partner from getting hurt, she was quiet and didn't struggle or swear. THEN the jibberish started. Wierd chanting, "sleep" one second then out of no where screaming FITS that would scare you out of your skin. Needless to say the ED was packed and they didn't get her a room for 40 min we stood in triage while she would go from sleep to scream and every single time I jumped and everyone was laughing at me. She was freaky as hell...