A thread for Significant Others

[Cowyakkin]

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How would people feel about starting up a thread for SOs to chat?

Like a bunch of other people here my committed boyfriend and I are working out how we are going to handle me being in vet school. We are primarily talking right now about whether to go long-distance or not, being as he is applying for grad schools as well. Obviously, no decisions can be made until we both know what schools we are into and what are options are. But, almost more importantly than that I am concerned about his expectations and how we are going to handle me being largely unavailable. Now, I haven't spoken this over with him and he may not want/be willing to chat with your SOs about all this but I figured some of you probably have spouses/boyfriends/girlfriends who could really use a forum to help them process and build realistic expectations from us.

Should we start a thread for Significant Others?

 

[No Imagination]

Seems like a very personal decision that should be kept out of public forums if you expect honesty and candidness.

 

[Cowyakkin]

Seems like a very personal decision that should be kept out of public forums if you expect honesty and candidness.

Hmmm...maybe I explained that poorly...I don't want my and my SOs decisions to become communal ones - thats not what I meant. Let me give you a little anecdote to make things clearer. The other day we were having dinner with a friend who is now a second year vet student and I was asking about how many hours a week she has to relax, go to the gym, free time, etc. and she was explaining exactly how hard she was working. My SO listening in says "well, you have time to hang out on the weekends, right?" and she kinda laughed and told him that if she had time to hang out on the weekends she wouldn't be getting only 5 hours of sleep a night on the weekdays. Thats what I meant by expectations. I understand what I am getting myself into but I'm not sure he quite gets it (frankly, I'm not sure anyone who isn't in this profession gets it). I thought maybe a better understanding of the whole culture of vet med school might be helpful to him and others. Just like they have SO support groups once you are into school I thought it might be helpful to start a little early.

If this is a silly idea, just let me know. I just know that he might end up making some compromises/sacrifices (about location, etc.) so I can attend school and I would like to make this as easy for him as possible. Does that make sense?

 

[No Imagination]

Ahh, I got you now. Should I realized. When I read "A thread for SO to chat", I was thinking...

"Hey babe, how was your day today?"

"Not bad, This long distance thing working for you?"

"yeah, 'Hey, are we exclusive?'"

Yeah, that sorta thing, probably best in email or voice mails 🙂

 

[DVMorBust]

Ahh, I got you now. Should I realized. When I read "A thread for SO to chat", I was thinking...

"Hey babe, how was your day today?"

"Not bad, This long distance thing working for you?"

"yeah, 'Hey, are we exclusive?'"

Yeah, that sorta thing, probably best in email or voice mails 🙂

Oh man. That one's awkward enough to discuss without it being on a message board...

 

[Cowyakkin]

😆hehehehe, noooo. Its like an SDN-reality forum "Life inside a Vet School Afficted Long-Distance Relationship" ... awkward....

 

[VAgirl]

Hmmm...maybe I explained that poorly...I don't want my and my SOs decisions to become communal ones - thats not what I meant. Let me give you a little anecdote to make things clearer. The other day we were having dinner with a friend who is now a second year vet student and I was asking about how many hours a week she has to relax, go to the gym, free time, etc. and she was explaining exactly how hard she was working. My SO listening in says "well, you have time to hang out on the weekends, right?" and she kinda laughed and told him that if she had time to hang out on the weekends she wouldn't be getting only 5 hours of sleep a night on the weekdays. Thats what I meant by expectations. I understand what I am getting myself into but I'm not sure he quite gets it (frankly, I'm not sure anyone who isn't in this profession gets it). I thought maybe a better understanding of the whole culture of vet med school might be helpful to him and others. Just like they have SO support groups once you are into school I thought it might be helpful to start a little early.

If this is a silly idea, just let me know. I just know that he might end up making some compromises/sacrifices (about location, etc.) so I can attend school and I would like to make this as easy for him as possible. Does that make sense?

I actually think it's a good idea. My fiance and I are doing better now, but first quarter was really hard. He moved with me cross-country when I relocated for vet school. I thought we were on the same page about how much of my time it would take up. (The summer before school started he'd say things somewhat jokingly about how he was never going to see me when school started...and we live together.)

Then school started and it turned out his expectations were way different than mine. It turned out he thought that it was reasonable for me to spend several hours a night with him and only study maybe a half day on weekend (he revised to this to a half day each weekend day after a while). I tried to explain to him that that was unreasonable with the workload and no one I knew was doing that (not even the people I know who have wives/husbands AND kids). But it was rough.

It's still hard, but we work on communicating our needs/frustrations to each other, I work really hard at taking breaks, being careful of his needs, and making quality time for us. But he still feels neglected sometimes. I wonder how much better the transition might have gone had we better managed our expectations.

Anyway, long winded, but my support for the fact that, if the SOs wanted to chat, I think it could help.

 

[sambone]

....she kinda laughed and told him that if she had time to hang out on the weekends she wouldn't be getting only 5 hours of sleep a night on the weekdays.

wow. I am getting scared now ! You've gotta have a little time to play, right?

 

[tastrophe]

I actually think it's a good idea. My fiance and I are doing better now, but first quarter was really hard. He moved with me cross-country when I relocated for vet school. I thought we were on the same page about how much of my time it would take up. (The summer before school started he'd say things somewhat jokingly about how he was never going to see me when school started...and we live together.)

Then school started and it turned out his expectations were way different than mine. It turned out he thought that it was reasonable for me to spend several hours a night with him and only study maybe a half day on weekend (he revised to this to a half day each weekend day after a while). I tried to explain to him that that was unreasonable with the workload and no one I knew was doing that (not even the people I know who have wives/husbands AND kids). But it was rough.

It's still hard, but we work on communicating our needs/frustrations to each other, I work really hard at taking breaks, being careful of his needs, and making quality time for us. But he still feels neglected sometimes. I wonder how much better the transition might have gone had we better managed our expectations.

Anyway, long winded, but my support for the fact that, if the SOs wanted to chat, I think it could help.

This is exactly what I'm worried about! I just finished my PhD, so my SO is already familiar with the near-complete lack of free time. But, at least before he was in a state he knew and already had friends/family nearby that he could visit when I was chained to the lab. I worry how I'm going to balance it and how he's going to deal with it, so I'm all for the SO chat idea. (now the trick will be getting him to be interested in such a thing!)