Choosing a med school based on significantly other

[bubbleeli]

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[crazymedguy123]

I think its really concerning if he is saying he will only continue in this relationship if you go to the same school. Many people face far greater challenges than just long distance relationships. Personally, my wife and I were dating while at different schools for college all 4 years, and assuming I get into medical school this cycle, there is the possibility that this could happen again depending on her job prospects.

He should ultimately want whats best for you. You are a borderline candidate for some MD schools so if you feel that you can make your relationship work and you think MD school will be best for you (or even DO schools that he doesnt get into), then you should go to the schools best for you. If he doesnt understand that your choice is best for your career in a temporary setting (4 years is nothing compared to the course of your whole life), then he might not be worth it.

 

[wanderingstudent10.10]

A guy that will limit you or coerce you into changing your career options for him is not worth jumping through hoops for in my opinion. I am choosing my first choice program based on the location my husband is stationed with the military and where my infant son will be staying, but my husband is also cool with me going wherever while he is stuck at his duty station for another year and a half because that's what is best for my career. We've been through 6 deployments, time apart sucks but its doable. Don't limit yourself for someone who isn't willing to make some sacrifices for you as well.

 

[gonnif]

You can have anything you want you just cant have everything you want.

You will have ultimately decide this: which is more important your relationship or medicine. You will say both, and I will say only 1 can be the top priority.

 

[Medic741]

Hi guys- I appreciate any response that you might have to give. I am kind of in a hard spot right now and am really looking for some advice from people I don’t know.

My boyfriend and I are both applying this cycle. My stats are better than his, meaning I have a better chance at MD schools than he does. I am sitting with my first mcat at 503 and my second at 507 with a cGPA of 3.82 and a sGPA of 3.8 in Biomedical Engineering. He has a lower gpa with a mcat around 500. We have been dating for 6 years at this point and have been friends for about 13. This is a guy who I love, and do see myself marrying.

Where it gets difficult is, we talked, and I am pretty much in a position where I have to decide between our relationship or going to different schools. Basically, if I don’t commit and say that if we get into the same school, we will both go there, then our relationship is over.
He is applying mainly DO, and I am also applying to the schools he is, but likely, if we got into the same school, it would be a DO school about 3 hours away from home. So now it’s really more of, do I want to stay in a relationship and go to a DO school together, or do I want to split up and have options at MD schools?

Has anyone been in this situation or have advice? I’m interested in pediatrics or obgyn, but that is subject to change.

So many red flags — especially limiting your opportunities through his neediness. This is one decision to make *not* from a place of fear.

Move on and objectively take perspective at what he’s asking of you. In a healthy relationship this would be totally inappropriate.

 

[sunshinefl]

Hi guys- I appreciate any response that you might have to give. I am kind of in a hard spot right now and am really looking for some advice from people I don’t know.

My boyfriend and I are both applying this cycle. My stats are better than his, meaning I have a better chance at MD schools than he does. I am sitting with my first mcat at 503 and my second at 507 with a cGPA of 3.82 and a sGPA of 3.8 in Biomedical Engineering. He has a lower gpa with a mcat around 500. We have been dating for 6 years at this point and have been friends for about 13. This is a guy who I love, and do see myself marrying.

Where it gets difficult is, we talked, and I am pretty much in a position where I have to decide between our relationship or going to different schools. Basically, if I don’t commit and say that if we get into the same school, we will both go there, then our relationship is over.
He is applying mainly DO, and I am also applying to the schools he is, but likely, if we got into the same school, it would be a DO school about 3 hours away from home. So now it’s really more of, do I want to stay in a relationship and go to a DO school together, or do I want to split up and have options at MD schools?

Has anyone been in this situation or have advice? I’m interested in pediatrics or obgyn, but that is subject to change.

For him, is the issue that he...

1-doesn’t want to be long distance
2-wants to study together/help each other
3-doesn’t want you to outshine him

Because these are all very different.

PS there is no guarantee that both of you will be accepted to the same school regardless.

 

[IsleyOfTheNorth]

Your relationship was over when he said: "Same or we split". This is a relationship of convenience for him - especially after 6 years and no proposal. What if you get in and he doesn't? Etc. It's over.

 

[getdown]

what are the chances of you staying together? It'd be extremely stupid on your part to limit yourself when he's likely to break up with you. How's it going to work with residency programs? Couples matching is extremely difficult. You going to limit yourself to crap programs/non-competitive fields to be with whatever program your bf will apply to? Sounds incredibly naive.

Unless there's a ring or some significant commitment from his end, you don't owe him ****.

 

[Goro]

I agree with the wise advice above, but will be more succinct:

Dump his needy ass.

You don't need a "my way or the highway" relationships....no one does.

 

[DrElliotReid]

If someone truly loves you, they would not give you ultimatums. They would want what's best for you and try to make it work. Obviously we only have your side of the story, so perhaps with some context (ie. his reasons for wanting to go to the same school together or bust) judgement would be less harsh. However, no matter his reason...it should NEVER be an ultimatum like that and you should re-evaluate why you are in this relationship. Has he done anything else in the past like this? Red flags everywhere...

 

[JeSuisUnDoc]

I’m sorry but if someone says to me: you do this or else, I’ll be like what’s up else.


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[aldol16]

This is literally couples match lolol

It's tough to be sure, but in the end, you should always make the decision that is the best for you. It depends on your own values. Relationships end all the time, even among couples at the same med school because it's a huge change in your lives. But some work out. So in the end it comes down to whether you value your relationship, which may full well evolve or end during medical school or beyond, or your career prospects more. It would have to be a truly special relationship to give up career advancement, in my opinion.

It certainly is not a discussion you need to have now and this is extremely premature. There's no reason to commit right now and limit yourself to a few schools. Many applicants to medical schools never get in or only get one acceptance so you should not limit yourself at the application stage. It is unreasonable for him to ask you to.

 

[wb100]

SO and I started dating one month before he left to med school. Yes, one month.

His med school was a 4 hour direct flight. Most of the time there was a stop so more like 6-8 hour journey. As cheesy as it is, we dated other people in the past but felt like our connection was really special from the beginning. We did LDR for 3 years and we flew to see each other every 3 weeks. It was expensive but worth it for us. I graduated and moved in with him last year and we're now engaged. He's in residency back in our home state but I highly doubt I'll get into med school nearby, so we're preparing to LDR again for 2 years until he finishes residency (that's if I get in to med school by F2019). So basically, LDR in med school is doable.

edit: I just read the bottom half of your post and I'm irritated. Go to the school that is best for you and makes you happy. If I get into two schools and one is nearby and the other farther but one that fits what I want in a med school, you best believe I'm going to the farther one. A healthy relationship is permanent (or at least it should be), but school isn't. Take advantage of your opportunities and don't plan around your SO, you can never guarantee what can happen in the future, and you don't want to make a decision that you'll regret if circumstances change (besides he doesn't seem supportive and like others have said there's some major red flags).

 

[The Knife & Gun Club]

When I applied with my SO we just tried to do MD and DO schools near to each other because her stats were so much better than mine.

We’d been dating for 6 years and I don’t think it’s unreasonable to prioritize trying to be together within reason.

Is your SO about open to going to a school maybe 2 hours away from the one you go to? Many DO schools are within 1-2 hours of an MD school

 

[deleted804295]

Are you married? Are you engaged? I really hate advising breakups with longterm couples but thinking about marriage is very different than committing to actual marriage.

Go after your dreams. Try long distance, if it doesn't work out don't be hard on yourself. I partially blame the guy for this whole situation. If you two dated for this long he had every opportunity to study with you every time you studied. He can't blame you for statistics he earned.

 

[ChymeofPassion]

Sdn is not the right place to go to discuss relationship advice, as you can tell by the mob mentality above. With a 507 you're borderline MD so you might end up going to a DO school. See how the cycle goes and then go from there, no point in freaking out until you actually have to.

 

[Hirro]

When I applied with my SO we just tried to do MD and DO schools near to each other because her stats were so much better than mine.

Just curious, how did things turn out that cycle? If you prefer, you can PM a response.

 

[ChiDO]

Going to reiterate the same messages above. Apply to the schools you want and he wants, after you get acceptances, then you can decide what's the best for the relationship. Don't focus or fight over hypothetical situations.

I've seen long distance relationships work and I've seen them fail. I saw a couple in medical school together for 10 years fail. I saw classmates date get married and have kids.

Dont get ahead of yourself. Get accepted first. Obviously apply to schools near each other.

 

[The Knife & Gun Club]

Just curious, how did things turn out that cycle? If you prefer, you can PM a response.

We applied very broadly and whenever one person got an interview we’d emailed the admissions department and explain that we were applying together.

Ended up getting into several of the same schools with that strategy, and then a few others that were within a couple hours of each other.

We ended up choosing Miami, which is one of the only schools with actually has an established “couples application” system. All-in-all it went far better than I could have hoped.

Edit: to be fair we both did make sacrifices. She and I both had scholarships and offers from higher ranked schools that we turned down.

 

[bubbleeli]

Hi guys- I appreciate any response that you might have to give. I am kind of in a hard spot right now and am really looking for some advice from people I don’t know.

My boyfriend and I are both applying this cycle. My stats are better than his, meaning I have a better chance at MD schools than he does. I am sitting with my first mcat at 503 and my second at 507 with a cGPA of 3.82 and a sGPA of 3.8 in Biomedical Engineering. He has a lower gpa with a mcat around 500. We have been dating for 6 years at this point and have been friends for about 13. This is a guy who I love, and do see myself marrying.

Where it gets difficult is, we talked, and I am pretty much in a position where I have to decide between our relationship or going to different schools. Basically, if I don’t commit and say that if we get into the same school, we will both go there, then our relationship is over.
He is applying mainly DO, and I am also applying to the schools he is, but likely, if we got into the same school, it would be a DO school about 3 hours away from home. So now it’s really more of, do I want to stay in a relationship and go to a DO school together, or do I want to split up and have options at MD schools?

Has anyone been in this situation or have advice? I’m interested in pediatrics or obgyn, but that is subject to change.

Thank you everyone for the insightful replies! I have a lot of thinking to do...

 

[On_The_Way_Up]

Hi guys- I appreciate any response that you might have to give. I am kind of in a hard spot right now and am really looking for some advice from people I don’t know.

My boyfriend and I are both applying this cycle. My stats are better than his, meaning I have a better chance at MD schools than he does. I am sitting with my first mcat at 503 and my second at 507 with a cGPA of 3.82 and a sGPA of 3.8 in Biomedical Engineering. He has a lower gpa with a mcat around 500. We have been dating for 6 years at this point and have been friends for about 13. This is a guy who I love, and do see myself marrying.

Where it gets difficult is, we talked, and I am pretty much in a position where I have to decide between our relationship or going to different schools. Basically, if I don’t commit and say that if we get into the same school, we will both go there, then our relationship is over.
He is applying mainly DO, and I am also applying to the schools he is, but likely, if we got into the same school, it would be a DO school about 3 hours away from home. So now it’s really more of, do I want to stay in a relationship and go to a DO school together, or do I want to split up and have options at MD schools?

Has anyone been in this situation or have advice? I’m interested in pediatrics or obgyn, but that is subject to change.

Even if you had the same stats it would be unlikely you would be going to the same school given acceptance rates to med school. Most people get a single acceptance. This is something that never had great odds anyway. Then even if you did go to the same school then you still have residency to think about. What are the odds you go to the same school plus same residency? Unlikely. And 10 years is a long time to be apart. Honestly don’t see how this can work.

 

[mistafab]

Did not read.

But based off title alone - no

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

I’m sorry but if someone says to me: you do this or else, I’ll be like what’s up else.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[RangerBob]

Lots of couples make long distance relationships work, as mentioned above.

It's really up to you to decide how important this guy is to you. I know a lot of people say leave him and go to the best school you can, but we don't know all the details of your conversation with him, if he overreacted, etc. If he did give you an ultimatum that is a bit concerning.

I will say this though-your choice of spouse will have much more impact on you happiness in life than your choice of school (or profession).

That works both ways though-you don't want to make the wrong choice of spouse! I was stuck in a relationship in college and we'd been together for a long time (maybe 4 years), so it seemed like we were headed for marriage. I never thought we were a great fit for each other, but can be tough to break up when you've been together so long. Inertia just sort of takes over.

Fortunately we broke up, and the next girl I dated became my wife.

 

[whatbout2morrow]

Hi guys- I appreciate any response that you might have to give. I am kind of in a hard spot right now and am really looking for some advice from people I don’t know.

My boyfriend and I are both applying this cycle. My stats are better than his, meaning I have a better chance at MD schools than he does. I am sitting with my first mcat at 503 and my second at 507 with a cGPA of 3.82 and a sGPA of 3.8 in Biomedical Engineering. He has a lower gpa with a mcat around 500. We have been dating for 6 years at this point and have been friends for about 13. This is a guy who I love, and do see myself marrying.

Where it gets difficult is, we talked, and I am pretty much in a position where I have to decide between our relationship or going to different schools. Basically, if I don’t commit and say that if we get into the same school, we will both go there, then our relationship is over.
He is applying mainly DO, and I am also applying to the schools he is, but likely, if we got into the same school, it would be a DO school about 3 hours away from home. So now it’s really more of, do I want to stay in a relationship and go to a DO school together, or do I want to split up and have options at MD schools?

Has anyone been in this situation or have advice? I’m interested in pediatrics or obgyn, but that is subject to change.

Out of curiosity, what happens if you get into said DO school 3 hours away, but he doesn't? Would he ask you to decline your acceptance?

If the roles had been reversed, would he give up other schools to be with you?

 

[Catsfordays]

We applied very broadly and whenever one person got an interview we’d emailed the admissions department and explain that we were applying together.

Ended up getting into several of the same schools with that strategy, and then a few others that were within a couple hours of each other.

We ended up choosing Miami, which is one of the only schools with actually has an established “couples application” system. All-in-all it went far better than I could have hoped.

Edit: to be fair we both did make sacrifices. She and I both had scholarships and offers from higher ranked schools that we turned down.

I am in a similar position. My SO and I of 6 years are applying this cycle and would like to get into the same schools. May I ask your stats and how receptive were the admission departments to your email? Is this considering if it was a reach as well?

 

[The Knife & Gun Club]

So I was 3.3/3.1/518, and my SO was 3.5/3.3/516.

Admission departments were sort of hit or miss - some seemed very generous while others just kind of annoyed. Unfortunately (or fortunately) there wasn’t a big correlation between school caliber and receptiveness.

I remember wake forest granted me an interview within an hour of my SO emailing the dean. Then Tulane just Ignored my email for a month before sending a very curt “we don’t do this” email. Both schools were reaches for both my SO and I.


Really the most important thing is to concentrate efforts on areas with high density of med schools, because that gives you the most possible chances for success. And some of the areas rich in med schools would surprise you. Some regions we focused on:

North Carolina/Virginia (UNC, Duke, Wake Forest, Virginia Tech, and VCom)

Georgia/South Carolina (Emory, MCG, U South Carolina Greenville, VCOM, PCom).

Arizona (UA- Phoenix, UA-Tucson, AZCOM, AT-Still)

These groups of schools have a huge spread in quality all within a 2 hr drive, so no matter what caliber each applicant is, they can make it work. Other more classic places to concentrate would be like the northeast, Great Lakes/Midwest, and SoCal regions.

I am in a similar position. My SO and I of 6 years are applying this cycle and would like to get into the same schools. May I ask your stats and how receptive were the admission departments to your email? Is this considering if it was a reach as well?

 

[DokterMom]

His numbers are pretty marginal, even for lower-tier DO. Yours are good for DO, maybe for MD. So it sounds to me like the likeliest scenario is you getting 1-2 acceptances and him not. What then?

What are his plans in that case? Will he be genuinely happy for you?

 

[Angus Avagadro]

Look for cities with both MD and DO schools. Wife and I were in different schools. She was an elite student and accepted everywhere. Worked out well. Do what is best for your career. It will work only if you both fiercely want to be together. It can, but its work. Good luck and best wishes

 

[whatbout2morrow]

There's a difference between both of you guys deciding you want to make it work no matter what & trying your best to match into different schools in the same city/state vs him saying the relationship is over if you don't match in the same school & you bargaining to try to make it work by trying to get into schools in the same city/state.

From what I understand in your original post, you both have been friends for 13 years, in a relationship for 6, you love him deeply, see yourself marrying him, but he is ok with this relationship ending if you don't go to the same school. If this is indeed the case, it's time to evaluate whether or not you both are in the same place in this relationship.

 

[carrots28]

If you plan to get engaged very soon then I would take into consideration your partner. But I don't see why you can't apply to MD schools in the same areas as a compromise.