Advertisement - Members don't see this ad
Funniest Chief Complaints
Started by Dr JPH
Get help with your application
Use all the free resources available to you from SDN: articles, guides, expert advising, forums discussions, and school research.
Advertisement - Members don't see this ad
This one wasn't in a hospital but I heard it when I was working for an ambulance service and a call was being dispatched over the radio.
dispatcher: Dispatching Medic *** to ****. CPR in progress, patient resisting."
dispatcher: Dispatching Medic *** to ****. CPR in progress, patient resisting."
I had a (psych) patient recently who got in a fight with his wife because he was cheating on her with someone at work. She was angry that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring, so he decided to remedy the situation by shooting his finger off. Once he was alert he seemed disappointed that he still had a PIP stump.
My HPI: "33 y/o male presents for evaluation and treatment of aggression and self harming behavior after an attempt to eliminate his left 4th digit with a firearm during an argument with his wife regarding his own extramarital affair."
My HPI: "33 y/o male presents for evaluation and treatment of aggression and self harming behavior after an attempt to eliminate his left 4th digit with a firearm during an argument with his wife regarding his own extramarital affair."
I just consulted Cardiology on a patient, to copy and past from our list...
--------------------------------------------
f/u cards recs re: cardiac death x2
---------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------
f/u cards recs re: cardiac death x2
---------------------------------------------
Godo ones from the ED earlier tonight:
CC: Sodium Intake Low
CC: Recheck Bloodwork
Cause going to the PCP is hard!
CC: Sodium Intake Low
CC: Recheck Bloodwork
Cause going to the PCP is hard!
If you want to at least give the second one the benefit of the doubt, it could've been someone who had a lab draw earlier at the PCP and the K+ was 7, and the PCP told them to go to the ED. Happens not infrequently.
D
deleted92121
This story comes from working triage the other morning.
Late 30's woman comes in with complaint of foreign body in rectum. Take her to a treatment room and begin asking questions.
Me: So I understand you have an object stuck in your rectum.
Pt: Yes.
Me: Ok, so what is it?
Pt: An egg
Me: Like one of those vibrating toy eggs?
Pt: No a real egg.
Me: Is it hard boiled?
Pt: No it's a raw egg.
Still intact. Went to the OR.
I told the attending if she would have placed it in her vagina we could label it an Egg McMuffin
Late 30's woman comes in with complaint of foreign body in rectum. Take her to a treatment room and begin asking questions.
Me: So I understand you have an object stuck in your rectum.
Pt: Yes.
Me: Ok, so what is it?
Pt: An egg
Me: Like one of those vibrating toy eggs?
Pt: No a real egg.
Me: Is it hard boiled?
Pt: No it's a raw egg.
Still intact. Went to the OR.
I told the attending if she would have placed it in her vagina we could label it an Egg McMuffin
D
deleted92121
Couldn't you have just... IDK, broken the egg? Or would the pieces of shell have been too sharp? And how did the OR get it out?
/is fascinated.
They were concerned breaking the egg would lead to salmonella poisoning. The OR got it out by simply sedating her. Relaxed all the muscles and out it came.
CC: Request for "Second opinion" ultrasound. G2P1 @ 20-something wks.
(During exam):
Pt: Sooo...is there any way to, like, tell the skin color of the baby at this stage?
Me: Uh, probably not. But I'm sure he'll be beautiful no matter what color he is!
Pt: ....So like the baby doesn't look different if it's white versus, say, black?
Me: Not really, wh- ohhhhhhh........
Pt: Yeah, I just, uh, I just need to know whether to keep it or not...
(During exam):
Pt: Sooo...is there any way to, like, tell the skin color of the baby at this stage?
Me: Uh, probably not. But I'm sure he'll be beautiful no matter what color he is!
Pt: ....So like the baby doesn't look different if it's white versus, say, black?
Me: Not really, wh- ohhhhhhh........
Pt: Yeah, I just, uh, I just need to know whether to keep it or not...
Advertisement - Members don't see this ad
CC: Request for "Second opinion" ultrasound. G2P1 @ 20-something wks.
(During exam):
Pt: Sooo...is there any way to, like, tell the skin color of the baby at this stage?
Me: Uh, probably not. But I'm sure he'll be beautiful no matter what color he is!
Pt: ....So like the baby doesn't look different if it's white versus, say, black?
Me: Not really, wh- ohhhhhhh........
Pt: Yeah, I just, uh, I just need to know whether to keep it or not...
Wow
At my ER a patient comes in with his mom for flu-like symptoms. Mom begins to tell what's wrong: "He has a sore throat and probably an ear infection. I know something isn't right because he can't put his finger in his ear anymore."
😕
Otitis externa can cause swelling of the canal which would mean that an object, such as one's finger, would not fit into the canal as easily as before.
Not a typo... but we think a symptom of her psych issues rather than an actual description of her medical history. That was a fun turf war to watch between psych and the L&D floor 😉
CC: "Don't even bother telling me your stupid lies, because I already figured out the real truth about the sky--I KNOW that all the 'stars' are satellites."
CC: "I lost a lot of weight"
Me: how much weight?
Pt: a lot.
Me: could you estimate any numbers?
Pt: well last time I was at the doctor the scale said 119lbs and today yours said 920lbs.
Me: 😕
I'm on an outpatient rotation and don't have EMR access. Later the fellow looked up past vitals for me and the patient weighed 192lbs today, lost 7 lbs over the last month and had been stable for a year before that.
Me: how much weight?
Pt: a lot.
Me: could you estimate any numbers?
Pt: well last time I was at the doctor the scale said 119lbs and today yours said 920lbs.
Me: 😕
I'm on an outpatient rotation and don't have EMR access. Later the fellow looked up past vitals for me and the patient weighed 192lbs today, lost 7 lbs over the last month and had been stable for a year before that.
CC: I need an ultrasound for my baby
Me: So, what brings you into the OB Triage?
Pt: Well, I'm around 23 weeks pregnant. I had a regular ultrasound yesterday, and they called the results to me today, saying that I should make an appointment (at the local MFM practice) for a better ultrasound because of small bone length in my baby.
Me: Okay, and did you make that appointment?
Pt: No, I called my sister. My mom and I live out in the hills, about 2 hours away from the city. My sister lives in the city so we called her cause she knows it better. My sister delivered at this hospital, and said it was the best hospital in the city. She told me to come in.
Me: Okay.... and did you call your physician before you came in? (As is standard practice for OB Triage)
Pt: No.... I just came in cause my sister said to.
Me: Ok.......... Who is the doctor that you go to for this pregnancy?
Pt: Um....... (tries to remember name), I can't remember her name.
Me: Alright, we'll try to find out. Are you having any symptoms?
Pt: Oh, me? No I feel fine. No issues here.
Me: Ok, so why are you in OB triage?
Pt: B/c my sister told me I should come in.
Me: But you feel fine. No loss of fluid, vaginal bleeding? You can feel the baby move OK?
Pt: Yeah, none of those, and yes I can feel the baby just fine. She's kicking crazy!
Me: Let's set you up an appointment for the higher level ultrasound that you should've done.
Had all the residents and nurses so pissed off as to why the hell this lady was in triage. I felt a little bad for her cause the pt clearly didn't understand what the hell was going on, and had driven 2 hours to go through the hospital's ED and up to OB triage.
Me: So, what brings you into the OB Triage?
Pt: Well, I'm around 23 weeks pregnant. I had a regular ultrasound yesterday, and they called the results to me today, saying that I should make an appointment (at the local MFM practice) for a better ultrasound because of small bone length in my baby.
Me: Okay, and did you make that appointment?
Pt: No, I called my sister. My mom and I live out in the hills, about 2 hours away from the city. My sister lives in the city so we called her cause she knows it better. My sister delivered at this hospital, and said it was the best hospital in the city. She told me to come in.
Me: Okay.... and did you call your physician before you came in? (As is standard practice for OB Triage)
Pt: No.... I just came in cause my sister said to.
Me: Ok.......... Who is the doctor that you go to for this pregnancy?
Pt: Um....... (tries to remember name), I can't remember her name.
Me: Alright, we'll try to find out. Are you having any symptoms?
Pt: Oh, me? No I feel fine. No issues here.
Me: Ok, so why are you in OB triage?
Pt: B/c my sister told me I should come in.
Me: But you feel fine. No loss of fluid, vaginal bleeding? You can feel the baby move OK?
Pt: Yeah, none of those, and yes I can feel the baby just fine. She's kicking crazy!
Me: Let's set you up an appointment for the higher level ultrasound that you should've done.
Had all the residents and nurses so pissed off as to why the hell this lady was in triage. I felt a little bad for her cause the pt clearly didn't understand what the hell was going on, and had driven 2 hours to go through the hospital's ED and up to OB triage.
Patient: "My vagina is all torn up to ****!" registered as "multiple vaginal c/o".
Another patient came up to the front desk with her own commode, and rambled out like 10 chief complaints. The triage nurse stopped writing after like 20 seconds, and after a minute or so cut her off right after she said "...and then there's the squirrels..."
Another patient came up to the front desk with her own commode, and rambled out like 10 chief complaints. The triage nurse stopped writing after like 20 seconds, and after a minute or so cut her off right after she said "...and then there's the squirrels..."
On my EM rotation"
Me: hello, what brings you in here?
Pt: I've seen some s***, man. I think I need pills or something.
Me: hello, what brings you in here?
Pt: I've seen some s***, man. I think I need pills or something.
Haven't had any doozies in IM/admitting from ED yet, but I remember one from OB (outpatient office)
cc: rising
Attending: You've got a "rising" in your chart. Can you tell me more about it?
Patient: Yeah, doc I got a rising on my vagina! And it's getting bigger
Attending: Um, ok, I'll have to examine you. *after palpation* You have what we refer to as a Bartholin's gland cyst. Excuse me please.
*we walk out of the room, he's smirking*
Attending to nurse: Don't we work in a professional office?? And don't you know what a Bartholin's gland cyst is? So why does it say "rising" on the computer?!?
Nurse: OMG, I typed that in!? My mistake, Dr!
Attending to me: Thanks to [the nurse] why don't you go look up "rising" for a homework assignment
Yeah, rising wasn't on Uptodate or the OB shelf. 🙁
cc: rising
Attending: You've got a "rising" in your chart. Can you tell me more about it?
Patient: Yeah, doc I got a rising on my vagina! And it's getting bigger
Attending: Um, ok, I'll have to examine you. *after palpation* You have what we refer to as a Bartholin's gland cyst. Excuse me please.
*we walk out of the room, he's smirking*
Attending to nurse: Don't we work in a professional office?? And don't you know what a Bartholin's gland cyst is? So why does it say "rising" on the computer?!?
Nurse: OMG, I typed that in!? My mistake, Dr!
Attending to me: Thanks to [the nurse] why don't you go look up "rising" for a homework assignment
Yeah, rising wasn't on Uptodate or the OB shelf. 🙁
"My 5 year old daughter is an extrovert. She is way too friendly. I don't know where she got it from because everyone in our family is quiet. Is there something you can give her to make her talk less Doctor?"
Her father was so serious. He really wanted a treatment for being too talkative! 😕
Her father was so serious. He really wanted a treatment for being too talkative! 😕
Cc: "My belly has been really hurting on and off for the past day"
Long story short, lady thought she had gas, but ended up being 39wk 4days pregnant...and delivered 5 hours later. The belly pain were contractions. She stated she had no idea she was pregnant...😱😕
Long story short, lady thought she had gas, but ended up being 39wk 4days pregnant...and delivered 5 hours later. The belly pain were contractions. She stated she had no idea she was pregnant...😱😕
Just spent two class period reading this whole thread..... I love it 👍
Advertisement - Members don't see this ad
Urology service consult on a patient with an extensive psych history:
Reason for consult = object inserted into penis
Me: What object did you insert in your penis?
Patient: I tried a straw first, then a folded bandage, and then a pencil.
Me: Why did you do that?
Patient: It was just something to do, I was bored.
I took a look at it and he had half of one of those short pencils you get at a mini golf place shoved up there. no pain or discomfort at all for this guy. It was so bizarre
My attending was pretty chill guy and when I told him this he died laughing lol
Reason for consult = object inserted into penis
Me: What object did you insert in your penis?
Patient: I tried a straw first, then a folded bandage, and then a pencil.
Me: Why did you do that?
Patient: It was just something to do, I was bored.
I took a look at it and he had half of one of those short pencils you get at a mini golf place shoved up there. no pain or discomfort at all for this guy. It was so bizarre
My attending was pretty chill guy and when I told him this he died laughing lol
CC: object stuck in rectum.
Specifically, a cucumber. When asked what happened, pt claimed he was gardening naked and accidentally fell on a cucumber...........
Sure ya were, buddy, sure you were.
Specifically, a cucumber. When asked what happened, pt claimed he was gardening naked and accidentally fell on a cucumber...........
Sure ya were, buddy, sure you were.
Last edited:
Cause that's completely believable. Thank god he doesn't grow pineapples 😆
"Thrombosed AVF secondary to being arrested" - from this weekend's call
CC: Chest pain
My mom was a triage RN at a level I trauma center in the mid 1970s. She once had a patient present who had driven himself to the hospital, and walked himself into the ED complaining of moderate, nonspecific chest pain. He didn't seem particularly concerned, distressed, or uncomfortable in relation to his presenting complaint. He was calm and pleasant during the routine registration process, and remained perfectly cooperative when he was asked to take a seat in the lobby until a bed became available back in the ED core.
He took his seat and waited there patiently, without making a peep, for a fairly significant time. Then, after something like 30 or 40 minutes had elapsed, he calmly walked back up to the triage desk and slowly lifted up his shirt--to expose the handle of a quite large kitchen knife, the entire blade of which had fully punctured through his chest wall, and was firmly lodged within his thoracic cavity at a grotesque perpendicular angle.
Apparently, he didn't feel the need to specify to my mother, the suddenly astounded triage nurse on duty, that his chest was hurting because he had just gotten brutally stabbed by his violent soon-t0-be-ex-girlfriend.
Needless to say, after his revelation, he didn't have to wait in the lobby for another second.
My mom was a triage RN at a level I trauma center in the mid 1970s. She once had a patient present who had driven himself to the hospital, and walked himself into the ED complaining of moderate, nonspecific chest pain. He didn't seem particularly concerned, distressed, or uncomfortable in relation to his presenting complaint. He was calm and pleasant during the routine registration process, and remained perfectly cooperative when he was asked to take a seat in the lobby until a bed became available back in the ED core.
He took his seat and waited there patiently, without making a peep, for a fairly significant time. Then, after something like 30 or 40 minutes had elapsed, he calmly walked back up to the triage desk and slowly lifted up his shirt--to expose the handle of a quite large kitchen knife, the entire blade of which had fully punctured through his chest wall, and was firmly lodged within his thoracic cavity at a grotesque perpendicular angle.
Apparently, he didn't feel the need to specify to my mother, the suddenly astounded triage nurse on duty, that his chest was hurting because he had just gotten brutally stabbed by his violent soon-t0-be-ex-girlfriend.
Needless to say, after his revelation, he didn't have to wait in the lobby for another second.
Note that this dude necro-bumped a thread to post the same anecdote that he posted in the ER forum. And I called B.S. on it there, too. As I stated there, try to stick a pen under your shirt and look at how it appears. Then imagine that nobody notices it.
Someone who comes in with chest pain to the ED gets an EKG within minutes. To do that you have to expose the person's chest. I too call bullsh1t
Sounds like your mother is a pretty awful triage nurse bud. Also sounds like something that has been typed,edited and rehashed to be as cutesy as possible-kind of silly to bring mommy's anecdotes (which are probably lies and half truths) to a forum full of med students and doctors who know better.
Sent from my HTC One using Tapatalk
Not a chief complaint, but I was working in an ob/gyn clinic this morning and looking through a patient's chart trying to find some info. Amongst her results I found a precious comment in a note: "Declines quad screen (has faith in the Lord)"
It was 1970's. Things may have been different.
I'm pretty sure EKG's weren't invented until 1994. Before that, you had to diagnose STEMI's by stethoscope.
Last night a 22 WF comes in with c/o rectal bleeding. Showed me the picture of her blood tinged stool on her phone.
When I asked her if she partakes in anal sex? Her answer, "No, I'm a back door virgin". Priceless.
When I asked her if she partakes in anal sex? Her answer, "No, I'm a back door virgin". Priceless.
Wait! How is this possible?
Advertisement - Members don't see this ad
Fat and stupid, usually.
I'm confused…That's a valid CC
Sweet mother of god- didn't she not know where he was "sticking" it?
