8
Seriously?
One I heard of:
"I have fireballs on my birthsack"
Translation: Uterine fibroids
In the ER at the VA:
48 y/o male
CC: Pt is loud and abusive to staff, police are accompanying to waiting room, pt states he thinks "orange soda is making me sterile" and he's afraid that he "won't be able to get my bitches knocked up".
Turns out he wanted to be admitted to the Psych floor for substance abuse issues on inpatient basis despite the fact that he hadn't used illicit drugs in over 3 years, no history of tobacco use, and only minimal EtOH...
Was actually a really nice guy and even for a vet (who tend to be pretty grateful to begin with), was extremely thankful for my rather cursory H&P.
"disordered penis"
"nuts not in sac"
These were the Chief complaints according to the admit registrar.
Here are my meager contributions:
"Doc, I have emphysema on my legs" translation: eczema. This patient was later heard telling other patients that he had leprosy
"I have urine coming out my rectum". Translation: diarrhea
"I need virgonda cream for my pootie-tang". Translation: I am a 78-year-old grandmother and I have a yeast infection. She also described her constipation as "My dookie-balls just aint marchin' out".
From a psych patient, but not as a chief complaint: "I did attend Diabolical Behavior Therapy groups in the past."
Hope this makes ya laugh!
DocVirk said:Diabolical Behavior Therapy
A now legendary CC at my school's OB/GYN department was from a couple of years agon when a patient who came in with abnormal uterine bleeding who claimed to have a history of "Fireballs of the Eucharist"...
Translation - Fibroids of the Uterus...
One of my ER patients was here for schizophrenia:
Me: So, what brought you in today?
Him: I am hearing voices.
Me: What are the voices telling you to do?
Him: They are telling me to go breakdancing in the black neighborhoods...
I wasnt sure whether that counted as self-endangerment... I told this to my attending and she laughed for a good 10 minutes.
This isn't really a chief complaint, but I did have to interview one of our community hospital's infamous patients. She has an esophageal ostomy bag because she drank drain cleaner in a suicide attempt. Anyway through out the interview she drank soda which drained into the ostomy bag, emptied the bag, and then drank it again. Charming woman.
"I fell from a truck and broke my arm"
Now try to get a differential diagnosis for that.
On an "I've fallen and I can't get up" call once...a nice elderly lady who explained to us this was her second time with this particular problem. She proceeds to tell us she's grateful this time because the last time it had happened, she fell on her cat and the cat never got back up.
Yeah. I don't think that one's particularly funny, because if I'd fallen and inadvertently caused one of my cats to die, you'd probably have to put me in restraints to stop me killing myself.
Label me crazy if you like, but consider this: would you label someone who'd inadvertently caused the death of his/her human child crazy if they wanted to kill themselves afterwards?
Hmmm....anyone see the My Name is Earl episode with the crazy cat lady?
Not so much a CC..but in comp care yesterday a patient listed "Band-Aids" as one of her allergies. I would have liked to have been the one to see her to get the scoop on that.
Not so much a CC..but in comp care yesterday a patient listed "Band-Aids" as one of her allergies. I would have liked to have been the one to see her to get the scoop on that.
That's actually a legitimate allergy, although I've only seen it as "tape." Some people get a pretty impressive rip-roaring skin reaction (including sloughing) to the tape we use to secure IVs, bandages, etc.
My psyche resident actually told me about this one from a homeless guy who really wanted an admission that night into the psyche wards for a place to sleep.
oops, you beat me to it! lol
My psyche resident actually told me about this one from a homeless guy who really wanted an admission that night into the psyche wards for a place to sleep.
CC: I am hearing voices and I want to kill everyone and myself.
Resident concludes that the patient is malingering and tells him to leave... so the patient changes his chief complaint.
CC: If you don't let me in I will run my car into this hospital.
A/P: 50 yo male with HI, admit to floor.
My psyche resident actually told me about this one from a homeless guy who really wanted an admission that night into the psyche wards for a place to sleep.
CC: I am hearing voices and I want to kill everyone and myself.
Resident concludes that the patient is malingering and tells him to leave... so the patient changes his chief complaint.
CC: If you don't let me in I will run my car into this hospital.
A/P: 50 yo male with HI, admit to floor.