Husband refuses to let me go to med school

[Art2doc]

Hi all, I’m new here. I recently received a very generous offer from my Stepdad to pay for medical school AND my mortgage for the duration. I am 37, married 10 years with two elementary-aged daughters. This is a very different career than my first one and will be a lot work (obviously).

My husband refuses to accept the money from my dad, claiming we are adults and should be able to “take care of ourselves.” You know, bootstraps. He would rather us take out loans to cover med school, for me to chose PT or RN instead, or any other route that would allow me to work full time while attending school.

I’m the breadwinner and have been for 5 years. Going back to school means we would have to sacrifice some comforts, but with my dad’s help it is totally feasible. But he refuses to budge. Fair disclosure: we’ve been in marriage counseling for six months for other reasons, and the marriage isn’t strong. I’m crushed. This chance is literally the best chance to get out of mediocrity for ourselves, our family, and even our grandchildren. And he won’t take it because of his pride. I don’t know what to do next. Either I leave him to pursue it on my own, or he decides to “let” me go to med school and I start the journey with an unsupportive spouse. Any advice?

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[esob]

Do you already have an acceptance? A degree? Taken the MCAT? ~ Half the people who apply to medical school don't get accepted, so it might be a moot point ATM if you are just beginning the journey. This community excels at helping someone gauge their chances at getting in, setting up a game plan and navigating the physician-in-training experience, but to do that requires some background information about where you are at in the process.

Also, the wording of your title makes it sound like he doesn't want you to go to medical school, while the body of your message indicates he simply disagrees about the method of funding the venture. Which is it? The general advice most will offer is that the journey is difficult even with a supportive spouse; it will become exponentially more difficult without a good support system in place

 

[cookiegrub]

you described yourself as the breadwinner, what exactly is your husband doing in these past 5 years. Has he himself taken out loans and is studying in these 5 years? Also does he have any idea about the differences between RN and PA? That must be just him throwing words and options out there. I guess more than his ego he must feel a little worried about what your father must do with his wealth to help you. If I had a father like that, I would be also worried about this seeing as you are 37 and your father must himself be quite a bit old at this age and may need that money for retirement. But that is between you and your father and your husband needs a good reason to not worry that your father isn't stripping himself of cash doing this.

I would suggest that in order for your husband to realize the offer that his wife is getting, you should make an appointment with the financial aid advisor of your medical school. Dave Ramsay is an excellent guy to talk with too if you are lucky enough to ask him for advice. Personally, with 2 kids who are quite young right now, the smarter thing to do would be to accept your father's money and strike a deal to pay him back. In fact, you can even have a contract with your parent. This way you can get away from paying interest and since they are your parent, you can pay according to your situation since they will understand. That is what I would do if ego is what's getting in the way. Your father knows that by the time you get done with residency, your children will have gone through a lot if debt is on your shoulders. You won't feel it during school, but when your kids really need the money (college age), you and your kids will be the ones vulnerable. I am sure you want the best for your kids at the end of the day, so I suggest you think about this and make your husband think about it too. Debt is like a sinking ship, the more weight you add, the faster it sinks; be careful about putting your ego before your intelligence. The foolish are the first ones to screw things up.

The other thing I strongly strongly...and I mean strongly ask you to consider is keep working on your marriage. But that in no way means you should sacrifice your career. Medicine is going to test that strength and you both need to understand that whatever the issues are, they need to be suppressed when you go to study. More than money, your education will have to come first and it seems like your spouse has no idea what is needed. He may just think it as a better means of earning money and so he is suggesting careers such as RN and PA. If that is the case, he needs to be sure about supporting you and not creating issues that can divert your attention and aspirations. Being in healthcare is a very stressful environment. You have to be in the right field in order to feel like you can do it. Try to level with your husband, he needs to be on the bandwagon before the ride begins. Your family needs to serve as a support system; they need to be there when you come from a test or a hard practical. These things are what make a family work. It is quite hard for a woman as opposed to a man attending medical school but your daughters must want to have that support when they grow old and want to also maintain high aspirations as their mother. If your husband doesn't support you, then try to work with his psychology and meet with an advisor that will lay out all the lovely loans you will have to take to support your education, daughters, and your mortgage during this time. That will usually wake up some part of your stress region.

 

[Robin-jay]

1.) You are planning for an apocalypse that is 5 years in the future that most likely won't happen.

I could be wrong, but from the sound of it, you are very far from a medical school acceptance. Several years in fact.

Worry about the present, the here, the now.

Get enrolled for pre-req. courses and get A's, take the MCAT and score well, and then we'll talk about medical school.

 

[Osminog]

OP, you didn't give us enough information. Have you already been accepted into medical school? If not, how many medical schools are in your local area -- and have you fulfilled the pre-requisites (coursework, MCAT, volunteering, shadowing, etc.)? Also, what's your current job and academic background?

Anyway, in general, is becoming a practicing physician in one's late 40s worth the emotional price of being a full-time student and single parent for 7-8 years? Is it worth the complications that come with divorce (especially for the children)? Probably not, quite frankly.

If your primary goal is to "get out of mediocrity" to provide a better financial future for your family, there are probably better paths to take. Consider becoming a Physician's Assistant; it's two years of schooling -- huge amount of flexibility, great job prospects, and salaries ranging from $80 to 120K depending on specialty.

 

[Art2doc]

Do you already have an acceptance? A degree? Taken the MCAT? ~ Half the people who apply to medical school don't get accepted, so it might be a moot point ATM if you are just beginning the journey. This community excels at helping someone gauge their chances at getting in, setting up a game plan and navigating the physician-in-training experience, but to do that requires some background information about where you are at in the process.

Also, the wording of your title makes it sound like he doesn't want you to go to medical school, while the body of your message indicates he simply disagrees about the method of funding the venture. Which is it? The general advice most will offer is that the journey is difficult even with a supportive spouse; it will become exponentially more difficult without a good support system in place

Thanks for your reply. You are absolutely right, I haven’t even started this journey, and maybe I won’t get into med school at all. I have a BA in Art History and an MA in Teaching. I am a public school teacher. I will have to take prereqs, and will likely need to get an MS Biology before even thinking of applying to med school (need to prove I can do the hard sciences, right?) It’s a lot to ask my husband to sit with me while I do that, and it will take a long time.

It’s hard for me to guess his true reason for stalling me on this. One minute, he says that he will support me if this is what will make me happy. The next, I’m being told he won’t even let me attempt the prereqs and MS while working part-time because it would cause us to have to compromise our current standard of living (he honestly has no idea what that is because he doesn’t even look at our bank account). In counseling last night, after being told the immensity of the undertaking (our therapist is a former career nurse of 40 years), he said he didn’t want to accept the money from my dad and therefore the point is moot- We wouldn’t be able to do it at all because he won’t accept me not working. I did offer to set it up to pay my dad back, and that was also not amenable to him.

 

[DrMidlife]

DTMFA.

Separately, if you want to go to med school and your dad is offering to massively help, will you ever forgive yourself for not taking advantage?

 

[Moose A Moose]

Lol.. calm down, get accepted and then we can revisit this thread.

I'll stand by for the necrobump in 5-10 year's time.

 

[rabbott1971]

I think its timely to ponder this now rather than after two years of prerequisites. Sorry your husband is acting that way! I would try to break apart the two issues: first, will he cooperate with you seeking admission and attending med school, and second, how to pay for it. If you agree on making a run at med school, then how to pay for it becomes an easier discussion.

Its your life, and while marriage requires compromise, you don't surrender decision-making power over your own life! Tough spot you are in, particularly with the kids. Good luck!

 

[DrDude2004]

If you are sold on medicine and the 10 year path it will take to get there, I say go for it and don't look back.

While not 'abuse' by definition (maybe emotional?) , this kind of behavior on your husband's part irritates me.. girl go for your goal!

 

[Art2doc]

you described yourself as the breadwinner, what exactly is your husband doing in these past 5 years. Has he himself taken out loans and is studying in these 5 years? Also does he have any idea about the differences between RN and PA? That must be just him throwing words and options out there. I guess more than his ego he must feel a little worried about what your father must do with his wealth to help you. If I had a father like that, I would be also worried about this seeing as you are 37 and your father must himself be quite a bit old at this age and may need that money for retirement. But that is between you and your father and your husband needs a good reason to not worry that your father isn't stripping himself of cash doing this.

I would suggest that in order for your husband to realize the offer that his wife is getting, you should make an appointment with the financial aid advisor of your medical school. Dave Ramsay is an excellent guy to talk with too if you are lucky enough to ask him for advice. Personally, with 2 kids who are quite young right now, the smarter thing to do would be to accept your father's money and strike a deal to pay him back. In fact, you can even have a contract with your parent. This way you can get away from paying interest and since they are your parent, you can pay according to your situation since they will understand. That is what I would do if ego is what's getting in the way. Your father knows that by the time you get done with residency, your children will have gone through a lot if debt is on your shoulders. You won't feel it during school, but when your kids really need the money (college age), you and your kids will be the ones vulnerable. I am sure you want the best for your kids at the end of the day, so I suggest you think about this and make your husband think about it too. Debt is like a sinking ship, the more weight you add, the faster it sinks; be careful about putting your ego before your intelligence. The foolish are the first ones to screw things up.

The other thing I strongly strongly...and I mean strongly ask you to consider is keep working on your marriage. But that in no way means you should sacrifice your career. Medicine is going to test that strength and you both need to understand that whatever the issues are, they need to be suppressed when you go to study. More than money, your education will have to come first and it seems like your spouse has no idea what is needed. He may just think it as a better means of earning money and so he is suggesting careers such as RN and PA. If that is the case, he needs to be sure about supporting you and not creating issues that can divert your attention and aspirations. Being in healthcare is a very stressful environment. You have to be in the right field in order to feel like you can do it. Try to level with your husband, he needs to be on the bandwagon before the ride begins. Your family needs to serve as a support system; they need to be there when you come from a test or a hard practical. These things are what make a family work. It is quite hard for a woman as opposed to a man attending medical school but your daughters must want to have that support when they grow old and want to also maintain high aspirations as their mother. If your husband doesn't support you, then try to work with his psychology and meet with an advisor that will lay out all the lovely loans you will have to take to support your education, daughters, and your mortgage during this time. That will usually wake up some part of your stress region.

Hi cookiegrub, thanks for your reply. My Stepdad (dad) is only 61, in good health, and will not need to take out loans or an extra mortgage for this. He is acting generously and has the interest of my family, particularly my daughters, at heart. My husband isn’t the type of person to be concerned about any stress on my dad, so I know that isn’t part of his hesitation. I did invite my husband this week to come with me to a meeting with an advisor at the local community college (I may not take courses there, but she came recommended). He didn’t want to come. Maybe talking to financial aid would help though. I do want to work on our marriage, and I’ve put in a lot of work on it but we have a ways to go. We do have family in town and will receive help from them when it comes to scheduling and watching the girls when needed. But I still need my husband on board.

 

[ROSC]

Take some night classes at a CC for your first full year.... Entry Chem, Bio, Physics ... get a taste of what the next 7-10 years will be like. Plot your performance, weigh your options, and revisit the discussion this time next year after finals.

Have you even applied for Post Bac Spring Semester classes yet ?

At this point I'm curious as to what is your highest priority ?
-Medical School
-What it takes to actually get there
-Your Husband's approval (which wreaks of ultimatum)
-Or if you just want to have a problem to solve or something to chase.....

Sorry for being blunt; However, if you use some internal dialogue to answer these questions it may help significantly.

 

[SpoiledMilk]

This chance is literally the best chance to get out of mediocrity for ourselves, our family, and even our grandchildren.

This quote is the only thing you mention in your post providing a reason you have decided to try to get into medicine. Unfortunately, unless you elaborate on what other clinical experiences you have thus far interacting with patients, it is not a good enough reason to begin to traverse this very long and arduous road.

If you and your husband are able to hash out any disagreements and get on the same page, I suggest that before you quit teaching to pursue medicine full time, you determine whether you would want to treat patients for the rest of your life. To do this, you must start by finding the time from your already very busy life to volunteer in a clinical setting where you will interact with patients, in their best and most difficult times. Right now, from only your post, I have a sense that you have a very idealized vision of medicine and your motivation is financial comfort for yourself and family. But that comes only after years and years of sacrifice.

Do the clinical volunteering for 3-6 months that involves active patient interactions first before doing anything else.

 

[Skiiiiiing]

Getting in takes 3 full years at least, and many nontrads fail. Then its 2 of the most rigorous years in academics. then 2 years of shadowing. then 2-7 of residency. average debt of about 200k. there is age discrimination in medicine - although less at better programs. if you have a strong existing academic record (3.5 or better for DO, 3.7 or better for MD) and are ok with theabove, go for it but realize you need a 3.8 or better in postbac.

if grades are not strong, think for long time about starting this, look at so-called underdog threads where students post for years on end about spinning wheels and tens of thousands and are getting nowhere.

re social stuff, nice of your dad. your husband sounds lame and negatively controlling to me but do not take relationship advice from people on the internet - pretty good chance that person either has Buzzfeed or /pol open in another tab.

Wrt to money, unspoken rule that you don't talk or even infer about it.

 

[Osminog]

What was your undergraduate GPA? Is your stepfather only willing to pay for medical school and no other graduate program? Would your stepfather pay for your post-baccalaureate coursework? Did you decide on this path, or were you pushed in this direction by your stepfather? Are you a good test-taker? Do you like science? Is your husband able/willing to get a career? Are you okay with retiring late? Are you okay with rarely seeing your children until they hit their late teens?

With so many unknown variables, it's very difficult to come up with specific, personalized advice for you. That being said, medical school is probably a bad idea. If your main motivation is to improve your family's financial stability, I'd look into some paths that require less emotional and temporal sacrifice (physician's assistant, post-bacc in comp sci, MBA, optometry, pharmacy, etc.).

 

[Art2doc]

What was your undergraduate GPA? Is your stepfather only willing to pay for medical school and no other graduate program? Would your stepfather pay for your post-baccalaureate coursework? Did you decide on this path, or were you pushed in this direction by your stepfather? Are you a good test-taker? Do you like science? Is your husband able/willing to get a career? Are you okay with retiring late? Are you okay with rarely seeing your children until they hit their late teens?

With so many unknown variables, it's very difficult to come up with specific, personalized advice for you. That being said, medical school is probably a bad idea. If your main motivation is to improve your family's financial stability, I'd look into some paths that require less emotional and temporal sacrifice (physician's assistant, post-bacc in comp sci, MBA, optometry, pharmacy, etc.).

I didn’t say my main motivation was financial security, I said I was offered an opportunity that would put me in a more stable financial position. I was speaking to the fact that this is not a path that I would have ever deemed possible, and when you live with that mindset long enough, you put aside your dreams for the more practical route. (My original fresh-out-of-high-school plan was to get a BS in biology) I put myself through my first two degrees, taking out loans and working part time through my undergrad. My overall GPA was 3.51, but higher in my upper level courses. I’ve always loved science, inquiry, how the body works, the effects of drugs on the body, and I crave learning. I want to help people live their best lives while facing complicated medical problems, something I have personal experience with. Everyone deserves to live their best lives, though only a few get the opportunity to do it.

My stepdad will pay for any and all coursework from beginning to end, including post-bacc or another master’s. I am an excellent test taker and like science. My husband does not desire for a career, and likely never will. My children are well involved with their grandparents on both sides and I would be more concerned about missing their teens, as that age is more emotionally challenging for girls. PA is certainly on the table, and a path I haven’t ruled out entirely. I am enrolled in a chem class this semester, and will take more in the summer. At that point, maybe the discussion about what comes next will be more tangible. Thank you for your advice, I do value it.

 

[Osminog]

I didn’t say my main motivation was financial security, I said I was offered an opportunity that would put me in a more stable financial position. I was speaking to the fact that this is not a path that I would have ever deemed possible, and when you live with that mindset long enough, you put aside your dreams for the more practical route. (My original fresh-out-of-high-school plan was to get a BS in biology) I put myself through my first two degrees, taking out loans and working part time through my undergrad. My overall GPA was 3.51, but higher in my upper level courses. I’ve always loved science, inquiry, how the body works, the effects of drugs on the body, and I crave learning. I want to help people live their best lives while facing complicated medical problems, something I have personal experience with. Everyone deserves to live their best lives, though only a few get the opportunity to do it.

My stepdad will pay for any and all coursework from beginning to end, including post-bacc or another master’s. I am an excellent test taker and like science. My husband does not desire for a career, and likely never will. My children are well involved with their grandparents on both sides and I would be more concerned about missing their teens, as that age is more emotionally challenging for girls. PA is certainly on the table, and a path I haven’t ruled out entirely. I am enrolled in a chem class this semester, and will take more in the summer. At that point, maybe the discussion about what comes next will be more tangible. Thank you for your advice, I do value it.

From one non-trad to another, best of luck.

 

[Robin-jay]

With a 3.5, go for it, get a 4.0 in prereqs, aim for 516, and apply MD/DO broadly

But never mention money again -Saint Nonthreatening Doctor

Why does OP need 516? A 500 alone would suffice for many DO schools.

 

[Laterthansooner]

Hi all, I’m new here. I recently received a very generous offer from my Stepdad to pay for medical school AND my mortgage for the duration. I am 37, married 10 years with two elementary-aged daughters. This is a very different career than my first one and will be a lot work (obviously).

My husband refuses to accept the money from my dad, claiming we are adults and should be able to “take care of ourselves.” You know, bootstraps. He would rather us take out loans to cover med school, for me to chose PT or RN instead, or any other route that would allow me to work full time while attending school.

I’m the breadwinner and have been for 5 years. Going back to school means we would have to sacrifice some comforts, but with my dad’s help it is totally feasible. But he refuses to budge. Fair disclosure: we’ve been in marriage counseling for six months for other reasons, and the marriage isn’t strong. I’m crushed. This chance is literally the best chance to get out of mediocrity for ourselves, our family, and even our grandchildren. And he won’t take it because of his pride. I don’t know what to do next. Either I leave him to pursue it on my own, or he decides to “let” me go to med school and I start the journey with an unsupportive spouse. Any advice?

I second what @DrMidlife said. There will be lots of people who tell you not to do this, but it is YOUR journey. Do your research, figure out what you need to do, and ask yourself the deep questions. Also, please remember that most of the conjecture and naysayers on SDN are younger and do not have the life experiences you have. You can seek advice, but take it with a grain of salt.

Next, there are several threads for nontrads on SDN. Look them up. (You might find @it'sabeautifullife inspiring)
You will find stories similar to yours and perhaps more relatable advice. There are plenty of us who are older and are applying, getting accepted and succeeding in med school. It can be done... with kids, with/without a spouse and with much tougher financial situations. All you need to figure out is how badly you want it and if you’re willing to put in the genuine effort to get there.

Lastly, med school is going to be hard. Really hard. If you choose that road, you can’t afford to be in a place of great instability. If your husband isn’t supportive and can not get on board with a financial plan that would allow you to acheieve your dream, you may have to make peace with letting him go.

Big decisions. Wishing you clarity in the road ahead.

 

[Skiiiiiing]

Why does OP need 516? A 500 alone would suffice for many DO schools.

for new do schools without placement records or with crappy ones? yes 500 is fine. for dmu, kcu, etc, probably 506 bare minimum?

 

[Skiiiiiing]

I second what @DrMidlife said. There will be lots of people who tell you not to do this, but it is YOUR journey. Do your research, figure out what you need to do, and ask yourself the deep questions. Also, please remember that most of the conjecture and naysayers on SDN are younger and do not have the life experiences you have. You can seek advice, but take it with a grain of salt.

Next, there are several threads for nontrads on SDN. Look them up. (You might find @it'sabeautifullife inspiring)
You will find stories similar to yours and perhaps more relatable advice. There are plenty of us who are older and are applying, getting accepted and succeeding in med school. It can be done... with kids, with/without a spouse and with much tougher financial situations. All you need to figure out is how badly you want it and if you’re willing to put in the genuine effort to get there.

Lastly, med school is going to be hard. Really hard. If you choose that road, you can’t afford to be in a place of great instability. If your husband isn’t supportive and can not get on board with a financial plan that would allow you to acheieve your dream, you may have to make peace with letting him go.

Big decisions. Wishing you clarity in the road ahead.

"i read 3 sentences about a lifelong relationship and decided i know enough to encourage someone to break lifelong comittment and raise kids in broken home. then i alt tabbed back to buzzfeed, swiped left on tinder, and popped my basket of antipsychotics."

 

[Robin-jay]

for new do schools without placement records? yes 500 is fine. for dmu, kcu, etc, probably 506 bare minimum?

I think if the average for those schools is around 505, then 501- ish would be the "bare minimum".

 

[Osminog]

for new do schools without placement records or with crappy ones? yes 500 is fine. for dmu, kcu, etc, probably 506 bare minimum?

The average MCAT for matriculants at KCU is a 505. The average for matriculants at DMU is 507.

506 is not a "bare minimum."

 

[Trollest]

bs

If you are sold on medicine and the 10 year path it will take to get there, I say go for it and don't look back.

While not 'abuse' by definition (maybe emotional?) , this kind of behavior on your husband's part irritates me.. girl go for your goal!

bs ! Just playing the devil advocate here. How is that abuse? Some people have principle. I wouldn't encourage this adventure if i were her husband as well. 2 kids, mortage, and old parents who have other kids. And as adult, especially a son in law, the last thing i would want is for her dad to "gamble" his money.

 

[Robin-jay]

.

I agree, although at KCU, the minimum requirement literally is a 501 MCAT score (as posted on their website).

 

[rabbott1971]

"i read 3 sentences about a lifelong relationship and decided i know enough to encourage someone to break lifelong comittment and raise kids in broken home. then i alt tabbed back to buzzfeed, swiped left on tinder, and popped my basket of antipsychotics."

Snarky but true. OP didn't ask for marital advice, and comments like "DTMFA" are crass and flippant, particularly when there are children involved.

 

[deleted480308]

At this point your odds of med school are below half (made up statistic) so just know you aren’t choosing between a happy marriage and being a doctor

You are choosing between a risky marriage and a less than half chance of being a doc

It seems hard if you think this guy might bail anyway

 

[Skiiiiiing]

I think if the average for those schools is around 505, then 501- ish would be the "bare minimum".

The average MCAT for matriculants at KCU is a 505. The average for matriculants at DMU is 507.

506 is not a "bare minimum."

you guys are right. aim for the stars and land on the moon?

f that noise, bare minimum effort, cross fingers at the 1 ii you get, HOPE they like your tie.

 

[Robin-jay]

you guys are right. aim for the stars and land on the moon?

f that noise, bare minimum effort, cross fingers at the 1 ii you get, HOPE they like your tie.

Average for all DO schools is 501-502. Bare minimum across all DO schools would be like 494.

(As in taking the average of all the schools and mashing them together)

 

[Skiiiiiing]

Snarky but true. OP didn't ask for marital advice, and comments like "DTMFA" are crass and flippant, particularly when there are children involved.

in a 5+ year deal everybody - and i mean everybody - has serious warts.

these kids who grew up with bumble and got massive doses of radfem along with their biology and accounting courses and who have not had relationship over 8 months...need to realize they probably are not in the best position to offer marriage advice. certainly not after 3 sentences.

 

[Art2doc]

bs

bs ! Just playing the devil advocate here. How is that abuse? Some people have principle. I wouldn't encourage this adventure if i were her husband as well. 2 kids, mortage, and old parents who have other kids. And as adult, especially a son in law, the last thing i would want is for her dad to "gamble" his money.

If you’d read other replies, you would know that my stepdad isn’t old, not that it matters. He has no other children He doesn’t feel this is a gamble, and he knows what he’s in for. His parents are doctors, his sisters are nurses, he’s PhD Pharmacology/Toxicology, so none of this is going to be new or surprising to him. He wouldn’t have offered if he thought I wouldn’t make it. My husband has a hard time empathizing, so seeing things from the view of my stepdad’s potential gamble has probably not even entered his mind, except maybe to wonder if he will hold it over our heads to manipulate us in some way (which is so far fetched, it’s crazy).

 

[Skiiiiiing]

Average for all DO schools is 501-502. Bare minimum across all DO schools would be like 494.

(As in taking the average of all the schools and mashing them together)

you're counting new schools, attractives, athletes, deans kids, urms, schools that should probably not exist.

If you’d read other replies, you would know that my stepdad isn’t old, not that it matters. He has no other children He doesn’t feel this is a gamble, and he knows what he’s in for. His parents are doctors, his sisters are nurses, he’s PhD Pharmacology/Toxicology, so none of this is going to be new or surprising to him. He wouldn’t have offered if he thought I wouldn’t make it. My husband has a hard time empathizing, so seeing things from the view of my stepdad’s potential gamble has probably not even entered his mind, except maybe to wonder if he will hold it over our heads to manipulate us in some way (which is so far fetched, it’s crazy).

go for it. just realize going in that its demanding - its the Navy Seals of academics.

 

[Trollest]

If you’d read other replies, you would know that my stepdad isn’t old, not that it matters. He has no other children He doesn’t feel this is a gamble, and he knows what he’s in for. His parents are doctors, his sisters are nurses, he’s PhD Pharmacology/Toxicology, so none of this is going to be new or surprising to him. He wouldn’t have offered if he thought I wouldn’t make it. My husband has a hard time empathizing, so seeing things from the view of my stepdad’s potential gamble has probably not even entered his mind, except maybe to wonder if he will hold it over our heads to manipulate us in some way (which is so far fetched, it’s crazy).

You have no idea what a parent would do for their kids. They would even offer their lives if possible. I am just the internet guy anyways, and i applaud and support these new goals you have set for yourself. However, in this case, i have no choice but to side with your husband because i would have done the same.

 

[rabbott1971]

If you’d read other replies, you would know that my stepdad isn’t old, not that it matters. He has no other children He doesn’t feel this is a gamble, and he knows what he’s in for. His parents are doctors, his sisters are nurses, he’s PhD Pharmacology/Toxicology, so none of this is going to be new or surprising to him. He wouldn’t have offered if he thought I wouldn’t make it. My husband has a hard time empathizing, so seeing things from the view of my stepdad’s potential gamble has probably not even entered his mind, except maybe to wonder if he will hold it over our heads to manipulate us in some way (which is so far fetched, it’s crazy).

I wonder if your stepdad talked to your husband, would that help. Seems like your husband's position is rooted -- at least in part -- in how your husband feels about your stepdad's interests. Stepdad could lay that right to rest.

 

[Art2doc]

You have no idea what a parent would do for their kids. They would even offer their lives if possible. I am just the internet guy anyways, and i applaud and support these new goals you have set for yourself. However, in this case, i have no choice but to side with your husband because i would have done the same.

Thank the gods you’re just an internet guy with an apt screen name then. What would I do for my daughters? Gee, I don’t know... something like go to med school? Let them know they can have aspirations and goals and can actually reach them? Be a role model?

 

[Art2doc]

I wonder if your stepdad talked to your husband, would that help. Seems like your husband's position is rooted -- at least in part -- in how your husband feels about your stepdad's interests. Stepdad could lay that right to rest.

Yes, I know they should have a sit-down. I know we will talk about it in a few days when we are together for the holiday.

 

[Goro]

It’s hard for me to guess his true reason for stalling me on this. One minute, he says that he will support me if this is what will make me happy. The next, I’m being told he won’t even let me attempt the prereqs and MS while working part-time because it would cause us to have to compromise our current standard of living (he honestly has no idea what that is because he doesn’t even look at our bank account). In counseling last night, after being told the immensity of the undertaking (our therapist is a former career nurse of 40 years), he said he didn’t want to accept the money from my dad and therefore the point is moot- We wouldn’t be able to do it at all because he won’t accept me not working. I did offer to set it up to pay my dad back, and that was also not amenable to him.

I trust that your therapist pointed out that you're NOT his property, and that there is no "he won't let you"?????

Your dad is giving the money to you, not him.

I can understand that your husband feels threatened by a number of things, but that offer to support your education as from your dad to you, not him. Again, there is no "he won't let you".

Is your husband normally this controlling?

 

[Skiiiiiing]

Yes, I know they should have a sit-down. I know we will talk about it in a few days when we are together for the holiday.

idk this needs to happen...its your call

you can do it w,o any help. take classes in evenings, UNE, cc's, extension schools. keep working. dont tell anyone at work about it because its threatening to weak egos.

 

[Naruhodo]

I'm sorry OP, I wish you felt more supported in undertaking this journey. I agree with what others have said about focusing on the here and now, going day by day, and keeping the long-term plan in sight while not letting it overwhelm you. Though you can't count on it, maybe you end up with a school being more generous with financial aid than you expect and some of the financial concerns don't end up looming as large. That is a best case scenario, but it never hurts to give the run up to medical school your all and then see where the cards land.

I'm fortunate to have a supportive spouse, though I'd be lying if I said that the finances of medical school don't still stress me out. At this point, with a modest amount of financial aid from my school, plus a working spouse and our savings I should make it through the first 2 years without loans and will take them out as needed for the last 2 years. We aren't homeowners nor do we have kids of our own yet. I'd hoped that my folks might offer to help, but keep reminding myself that this is not a reflection of how they feel about me or my choices. My spouse would also be uncomfortable with accepting help if it were offered (probably a pride/ self-sufficiency thing). It's good to try to keep a check on finances (I pay off our credit cards religiously, and because we ended up in an expensive city we live with housemates and have delayed a family for now), but remember that it isn't everything. I try to not jeopardize relationships with my spouse or parents over money. And work to kick ass at medical school to make the compromises worth it. Everyone's situation is different, but many nontrads before have made it work. Good luck and feel free to PM me with questions.

 

[Art2doc]

I trust that your therapist pointed out that you're NOT his property, and that there is no "he won't let you"?????

Your dad is giving the money to you, not him.

I can understand that your husband feels threatened by a number of things, but that offer to support your education as from your dad to you, not him. Again, there is no "he won't let you".

Is your husband normally this controlling?

I’m probably not the best judge of that, to be honest. I do know he uses emotional blackmail at times (he offered to go to restaurant management school so he can become a GM and “hate his life”), but I try not to buy into that bull****. Sometimes I fail at that, for the sake of the notion that a couple should compromise and agree before making big decisions like this. When I decided to go for my MA, it was a unilateral decision and I didn’t really give him an option. I make all the decisions in my family, run all the accounts, manage the kids around, etc. It’s pretty hard for me to paint him in a good light, actually, but this is he internet and you’re only getting my side.

 

[Weirdy]

Thank the gods you’re just an internet guy with an apt screen name then. What would I do for my daughters? Gee, I don’t know... something like go to med school? Let them know they can have aspirations and goals and can actually reach them? Be a role model?

-Your marital status will affect your schooling. If you think getting into medical school will solve all of that, you are wrong. It will only make present problems within the household worse.

-If your husband is unable to do everything you currently do at home (keep the household together and raise your children properly), you need to have someone else who can do 90% of that while you are in medical school. This is non-negotiable. There is no point in you taking your pre-reqs, doing a post-bac, getting an interview, getting into your first semester only to have your children and household obligations drag your grades down.

-You have the attitude and I respect that. Combined with a non-traditional background your story would be interesting. However I highly doubt you have a full idea of what medical school will do and take from you. It will take everything you have and ask for more. We are not even talking about your clinical rotations or residency plans which may involve moving or being away from home for long periods of time.

-As someone mentioned above, take a full courseload of pre-reqs, and maybe even a post bac. Figure out if you can sustain that load (not including clinicals) for 7+ years.

-Getting into medical school and finishing almost has nothing to do with your children right now. Do not use your children as an excuse for your own aspirations. It is a self-accomplishment. Whether they are inspired or not, they will not see 90% of what you do, your struggles, and your growth as a person and mother. It is something they cannot relate to at their current age.

 

[DrDude2004]

bs

bs ! Just playing the devil advocate here. How is that abuse? Some people have principle. I wouldn't encourage this adventure if i were her husband as well. 2 kids, mortage, and old parents who have other kids. And as adult, especially a son in law, the last thing i would want is for her dad to "gamble" his money.

Even if she does not get into medical school, pursuing additional education is never a gamble. Not all investments produce returns, but education is always a good one. Especially as an example for her little kids.

I dont know enough to call it abuse, reread my initial reply, but the situation doesn't sound right.

 

[Robin-jay]

SDN has the best marriage counselors and therapists working pro bono.

 

[strider144]

I know that this is a loaded decision, but it looks like you have given real consideration as to whether this path would be a good fit. Do try to get some patient exposure in just in case, but you're not flying blind, or neglecting the reality of it. There is a risk that you'll try and fail, at which point you need to be able to pivot and look at which other (healthcare?) fields would work for you, but there's also a chance that it will work and you'll get to be a doctor.

To be transparent, my past experiences push me farther towards the 'you do you' end of it, but I get that this is taking place in a hugely important relationship. It sounds pretty tense. Do you feel like you don't know for sure whether you want to try for med school at all, like even if he weren't saying no, or is it just feeling uncertain about the consequences that might come with? I mean, I'm with Goro. You're not his property. Still, I'd try to game it out a little. What are the possible outcomes? What's the worst case -- would you be ok ending up on your own in some other field if you try and he leaves and then it doesn't work out? If you stay put and the relationship fails anyway, is that regret something you would be able to deal with?

More directly: what would you tell a friend who was in your situation? What would you tell your daughter if it were her? In your heart of hearts, do you already have an answer that you just don't trust yet?

He would rather us take out loans to cover med school, for me to chose PT or RN instead, or any other route that would allow me to work full time while attending school.

It seems like it would be hard to work full-time while doing either of those, especially if you have other obligations as well. Also, you'd need to take pre-reqs if you were trying to be an RN, too. My thoroughly unsupportive parents thought I was planning on nursing school right up until I got med school interviews, which meant that I got to see whether I had what it takes without extraordinary emotional pressure or ultimatums at play. I wouldn't recommend that you take it to that extreme, but it's true: nursing and PT require a lot of the same pre-reqs as med schools, and that might buy you a little extra space to work out what it is that you want for your future. You take the classes and find it's not for you, fine. You take the classes and still want more, that also tells you something important. You don't necessarily need to make the absolute final no-going-back decision right this instant. This is all part of a long process.

It sounds like he's kind of pulling you back and forth, OK'ing it one minute and saying no way the next. That's exhausting. I'd start to really think through what your choices will mean and what they'll require, and try to keep yourself centered on your own accounting so that you can stay focused on what you need to make this choice instead of engaging with whatever alternative path he's talking about from one minute to the next. My vote: start taking those classes. Start working your way through pre-reqs a couple at a time like you're going to go to medical school, whether you say it out loud or not. You can always change your path, but that way you're setting a foundation that will allow you to make an informed decision.

 

[wholeheartedly]

i'm not touching the relationship issues, but if you do decide to go to medical school then don't do a masters degree. just take the pre reqs and rock them

 

[Trollest]

i'm not touching the relationship issues, but if you do decide to go to medical school then don't do a masters degree. just take the pre reqs and rock them

How i believe one is tied to the other.

 

[mcworbust]

Sorry you're going thru this - tell your husband to stop acting like an indoor cat and a betch. He doesn't deserve to not be the breadwinner and simultaneously tell you you can't pursue your dreams. He is also out of line for commenting on whether or not you should accept help from YOUR stepfather. WTF is this world coming to. At the very least he should be running the kids around or contributing to financial planning/figuring out how to save. Hearing your story really pisses me off, and I'm a guy in med school who supported my wife's dream of med school before I started, and now that she is a resident she is supporting my dream.

 

[Trollest]

Sorry you're going thru this - tell your husband to stop acting like an indoor cat and a betch. He doesn't deserve to not be the breadwinner and simultaneously tell you you can't pursue your dreams. He is also out of line for commenting on whether or not you should accept help from YOUR stepfather. WTF is this world coming to. At the very least he should be running the kids around or contributing to financial planning/figuring out how to save. Hearing your story really pisses me off, and I'm a guy in med school who supported my wife's dream of med school before I started, and now that she is a resident she is supporting my dream.

You are quite open minded my friend. And her husband reasons? Are they way off as well. I agree with you, he should be doing a lot more, but i am pretty sure the OP knew how ambitious he was before they got married. And this is the person she decided to spend her life with. Whether or not you agree with his conduct is seriously off topic. What the OP need is a way to convince him to get on board.

 

[ChopinLiszt]

I think if your husband doesn't want you to go, he either doesn't want to make sacrifices or he feels threatened by your ambition. Or both. Honestly he sounds selfish, but nobody's perfect. If he isn't on board, this path will drive a huge wedge between you, obviously, and either way you'll probably need to hire help. But I agree with @Goro that he doesn't control you - you have to decide for yourself if you want this, and if someone gives you money that's not under his control, either. You have much deeper marriage/personality issues here with your husband. Get lots of therapy alone and together. You will resent him enormously if you are working yourself to death to reach this goal and he doesn't support it. Even if he decides to 'allow' it, that's still not the right mindset. If he can't/doesn't want to do extra work/childcare/chores, but he can still emotionally support you ("Go for it - I'm excited you're pursuing your dreams and proud of you, etc") then you can work out the practical aspects, especially with financial help.

 

[ChopinLiszt]

Also, does your step-father want to support any other aspiring moms in medical school?