Milamila

New Member
7+ Year Member
Mar 28, 2013
6
13
Status (Visible)
  1. Resident [Any Field]
I just finished medical school and got matched at Mass Gen Hospital in Boston for my residency. My SO and I live together in a city about 6 hours away from Boston by car. We have been together for 5 years and the relationship has been great. He is quite settled in our current city with a house and families. He does not want to move to Boston with me or be in a long distance relationship. He is trying to convinced me to give up my residency at Harvard and to do my residency locally. I am torn between a great opportunity and my relationship. Do you guys have any advice for me? Thank you~~~~
 
D

deleted480308

I just finished medical school and got matched at Mass Gen Hospital in Boston for my residency. My SO and I live together in a city about 6 hours away from Boston by car. We have been together for 5 years and the relationship has been great. He is quite settled in our current city with a house and families. He does not want to move to Boston with me or be in a long distance relationship. He is trying to convinced me to give up my residency at Harvard and to do my residency locally. I am torn between a great opportunity and my relationship. Do you guys have any advice for me? Thank you~~~~
That’s not really a thing that you can guarantee pulling off. I would go to residency and let them make their decision from there, I don’t think a boyfriend is worth my career

but you have to pick your priorities
 
  • Like
Reactions: 31 users
About the Ads
D

deleted1005514

I just finished medical school and got matched at Mass Gen Hospital in Boston for my residency. My SO and I live together in a city about 6 hours away from Boston by car. We have been together for 5 years and the relationship has been great. He is quite settled in our current city with a house and families. He does not want to move to Boston with me or be in a long distance relationship. He is trying to convinced me to give up my residency at Harvard and to do my residency locally.

Did you two discuss this when you were applying for residency? He had to know this was a possibility.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 9 users

Milamila

New Member
7+ Year Member
Mar 28, 2013
6
13
Status (Visible)
  1. Resident [Any Field]
Did you two discuss this when you were applying for residency? He had to know this was a possibility.
We did. He was hesitant back then, but not completely against the idea. I actually didn't think I would be match to Boston, because it was so competitive. But now, he just wants to stay here....
 

GoSpursGo

Allons-y!
Staff member
Administrator
10+ Year Member
Sep 30, 2008
32,256
8,214
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
This is why couples need to talk things through before rank lists are due... it would have been much easier for you to rank the local programs higher on your rank list than to try and break your match agreement now.

Nobody can tell you what the appropriate valuation of your relationship is. I will, however, note that SO=/=spouse, and I'm not sure why the burden should be on you to change your life plans rather than the other way around.

EDIT: just saw your response. Depends on how explicit you each were in the if/then scenarios. If he intimated that he didn't want to move to Boston but would be willing to if it was important to you and is changing his tune now, then he's in the wrong; if he was being pretty clear that he didn't want to go to Boston and you didn't want to hear that at the time, then you're in the wrong. Not that a relationship is a situation where you should be keeping score, but I mention it just because whoever is "wrong" is probably the one who needs to back down if the relationship is to be salvaged.

And BTW, if you're in the wrong and you decided that going to residency in Boston was more important to you, that's not a bad thing. Again, you're not married, you're allowed to decide that your career is more important to you at this stage of your life. But if you just kind of crossed your fingers and hoped that "things will work out" if you matched in Boston, then your SO is also allowed to make his own priorities.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: 15 users

Milamila

New Member
7+ Year Member
Mar 28, 2013
6
13
Status (Visible)
  1. Resident [Any Field]
That’s not really a thing that you can guarantee pulling off. I would go to residency and let them make their decision from there, I don’t think a boyfriend is worth my career

but you have to pick your priorities
Thank you for the advice! It is nice to get an unbiased point of view.
 

Milamila

New Member
7+ Year Member
Mar 28, 2013
6
13
Status (Visible)
  1. Resident [Any Field]
Tough call. I'd pick my career but everyone has their priorities. If my partner didn't love me enough to move with me, I'd assume something else will come along later but I'd also be sans career
Thank you! It is a tough cell indeed.
 

Milamila

New Member
7+ Year Member
Mar 28, 2013
6
13
Status (Visible)
  1. Resident [Any Field]
This is why couples need to talk things through before rank lists are due... it would have been much easier for you to rank the local programs higher on your rank list than to try and break your match agreement now.

Nobody can tell you what the appropriate valuation of your relationship is. I will, however, note that SO=/=spouse, and I'm not sure why the burden should be on you to change your life plans rather than the other way around.

You are right. I don't want to break my match agreement either, since it is such a great opportunity. I guess I was hoping that he will change his mind with time. :(
 

TableMD

Full Member
5+ Year Member
Dec 23, 2015
180
278
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
If he wont move for you, or make things work despite the distance, do you think this is someone you want to be in a committed relationship with? If my wife was a physician and I saw what goes on to get in/through med school then the match process, we’d figure it out.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 24 users

Doctorows

Full Member
2+ Year Member
Nov 2, 2017
68
152
Status (Visible)
  1. Resident [Any Field]
He does not want to move to Boston with me or be in a long distance relationship. He is trying to convinced me to give up my residency at Harvard and to do my residency locally. I am torn between a great opportunity and my relationship.
What relationship? Run.
Residency is tough, Harvard or local. If you are going to be in a relationship while in residency, you need a partner that's supportive and understanding. Doesn't sound like that's what he is.

Also, realize that breaking your match agreement won't only mean that you won't get another chance at that MGH residency, it may mean that you may never get a chance at any residency after this at all. No caring partner would give such ultimatums to you.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 20 users

DOFOSHO

Full Member
5+ Year Member
Jun 7, 2015
440
497
Status (Visible)
  1. Medical Student
this shouldn't even be a question. Move. and move on. that dude sounds like a total loser.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 4 users
D

deleted1005514

We did. He was hesitant back then, but not completely against the idea. I actually didn't think I would be match to Boston, because it was so competitive. But now, he just wants to stay here....

Obviously you have to make this decision for yourself, but this is a red flag in my opinion. My husband would be super proud of me if I matched a residency of that caliber, and he would either move or we’d make it work for those years...it’s not like residency is forever. I’ve moved and sacrificed for his career in the past...that’s how compromise in relationships work.

Congratulations on your superb match, OP! You should be really proud of yourself, and I’m sorry your SO is casting a shadow on your achievement.
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: 14 users
About the Ads

Mass Effect

Full Member
7+ Year Member
Feb 23, 2012
3,962
9,766
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
I just finished medical school and got matched at Mass Gen Hospital in Boston for my residency. My SO and I live together in a city about 6 hours away from Boston by car. We have been together for 5 years and the relationship has been great. He is quite settled in our current city with a house and families. He does not want to move to Boston with me or be in a long distance relationship. He is trying to convinced me to give up my residency at Harvard and to do my residency locally. I am torn between a great opportunity and my relationship. Do you guys have any advice for me? Thank you~~~~

Any man who tells you to give up your dream for him is not a man worth having. Dump him and move on with your life.
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: 24 users

hallowmann

SDN Lifetime Donor
7+ Year Member
Mar 13, 2012
6,426
7,764
Status (Visible)
  1. Resident [Any Field]
First off, this is not some simple thing like switching jobs. You matched into a residency. You don't have much choice in this. You are bound to go there for at least 45 days or you risk a match violation and sanction from the NRMP.

Second, I agree with everyone above that this is a huge redflag. At best he is lazy, and at worst he's not interested in staying with you longterm or simply doesn't respect your career. Seriously, if he loves his city and is established there, then he can sacrifice for a long-distance relationship. If he's not willing to even attempt that, he's not going to stick it out through any residency when you are barely seeing each other.

Maybe he's naive and doesn't realize this could ruin your career, or maybe he thinks by giving you an ultimatum he can convince you to bend (that's another redflag, but maybe slightly better than the others above).

Either way, you guys need to have a candid conversation about this. If he doesn't budge, I would really take a look at how that kind of attitude will work in a longterm relationship. Obviously only you can decide which is more important, but I suspect you've spent as much time working towards this goal as you have with this relationship, and it'll be hard to give up.
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: 10 users

Smurfette

Gargamel always had a thing for blondes.
Staff member
Administrator
Volunteer Staff
Jun 7, 2001
4,667
3,404
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
Agree with the others here. This doesn't end with residency. Think about fellowship and finding a job. If he won't be willing to move or support you now, odds are even less he'll do it in the future. That is even assuming you are still together at that point. If you break up, would you be pissed you gave up this residency slot? If the answer is yes, don't do it.
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: 7 users

AMEHigh

Full Member
10+ Year Member
Jul 25, 2008
2,239
2,754
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
I would not want to be with someone who pretty much doesn’t support me and gave me no options. This is pretty much how my marriage ended during med school.

I’m now many years later and in a new relationship. We did long distance my intern year. It wasn’t so bad. We were in the same city for residency but I did interview in different cities and he was supportive. We now once again don’t always live in the same city for both of our careers. We support each other. Neither of us would say you must stay in X city and give up your career dreams.

I think you need to evaluate what you want and what kind of person you want to be with.
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: 4 users

HemeOncHopeful19

Full Member
2+ Year Member
Jun 23, 2019
186
252
Status (Visible)
  1. Resident [Any Field]
I agree with the general advice in this thread that this guy doesn’t sound like marriage material and in that case it’s probably not worth sacrificing for. In his defense, it also sounds like the feeling may be mutual in that you didn’t want to give up this “big opportunity” at Harvard which is 100% ok too. It really depends on what your (and his) life goals are and how you both fit into that picture IMO.

Both my spouse and I have arguably had to make small sacrifices at times in our careers but I always felt like that was the right call for me because part of my life goals including having an awesome spouse and that outweighed some of my career goals.

Only other thought I had is that depending on your specialty you could do an intern year and possibly transfer closer to home but I wouldn’t recommend that based on the info provided and “be closer to my boyfriend” probably wouldn’t cut it as a good reason.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2 users

Ldanero

Full Member
Sep 2, 2019
32
25
I have been in a long distance marriage through medical school and now going through residency. It is very hard. Please go to Harvard and complete your residency. If it’s meant to be, your SO will come back to you. Giving ultimatums, honestly your SO should be happy that you are even getting a chance to go to Harvard. Or at least be open to a long distance relationship to try things out and if not look for a transfer back to hometown. Bet on yourself. Imagine staying and you end up breaking up, you will never forgive yourself.


I just finished medical school and got matched at Mass Gen Hospital in Boston for my residency. My SO and I live together in a city about 6 hours away from Boston by car. We have been together for 5 years and the relationship has been great. He is quite settled in our current city with a house and families. He does not want to move to Boston with me or be in a long distance relationship. He is trying to convinced me to give up my residency at Harvard and to do my residency locally. I am torn between a great opportunity and my relationship. Do you guys have any advice for me? Thank you~~~~
 
  • Like
Reactions: 4 users

Raryn

Infernal Internist / Enigmatic Endocrinologist
10+ Year Member
Apr 25, 2008
8,580
8,588
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
I just finished medical school and got matched at Mass Gen Hospital in Boston for my residency. My SO and I live together in a city about 6 hours away from Boston by car. We have been together for 5 years and the relationship has been great. He is quite settled in our current city with a house and families. He does not want to move to Boston with me or be in a long distance relationship. He is trying to convinced me to give up my residency at Harvard and to do my residency locally. I am torn between a great opportunity and my relationship. Do you guys have any advice for me? Thank you~~~~

It is not possible to find a new residency this year. Period. Full stop. You have a binding match contract - and even though you could leave Mass Gen after working there for a couple months, the chance of you finding a local position to take you mid-year approximates 0%.

So what are your options? Well

1) Convince your SO to move with you.

2) Do a long-distance relationship

3) Break up

4) Do one of the above for a year, then try to leave your program and start one locally.

Residency is a time limited circumstance - three to seven years, with the majority being done in 3-4. Option #4 is hugely risky - you generally have to give up your current program before you get a new slot, and if you don't successfully find a new program, you're royally ****ed and unable to work in this country at any reasonable job. Now, your application was good enough to get into mass gen - so it isn't impossible for you to find a new program - but still risky, even in that circumstance.

Plenty of us did long-distance during that time - I did for 5 years of training, and am now happily living with my wife. Others have less luck and break up during a long-distance time. It happens.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 5 users

Small Cell Carcinoma

Full Member
2+ Year Member
Feb 25, 2018
217
285
Status (Visible)
  1. Medical Student
Why are you even asking a bunch of random strangers for advise about something like this?

Obviously, everyone here is going to tell you to prioritize your career because they don't have anything invested emotionally to you or your significant other, but I wouldn't take anonymous advise on a personal matter like this.


***This is a very good learning moment though. The process of becoming a physician is NOT conducive to any sort of "relationship." I wish more people knew this before signing up. And even as an attending, divorce rates are the highest of any major occupation. Likely due to scenarios like the OP is in.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
  • Dislike
Reactions: 6 users

Raryn

Infernal Internist / Enigmatic Endocrinologist
10+ Year Member
Apr 25, 2008
8,580
8,588
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
***This is a very good learning moment though. The process of becoming a physician is NOT conducive to any sort of "relationship." I wish more people knew this before signing up. And even as an attending, divorce rates are the highest of any major occupation. Likely due to scenarios like the OP is in.

This is categorically false. Physicians have significantly lower divorce rates than the nationwide average.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news...tors-isnt-as-common-as-you-think-study-finds/ for just one recent study

Physicians had a 24 percent likelihood of divorce; it was 23 percent for pharmacists; 25 percent for dentists; 31 percent for health-care executives; 33 percent among nurses; 27 percent among lawyers; and 35 percent for non-health-care workers.

Physicians tend to marry older than the general population, are all highly educated, and make good money. These are all factors which lead to *lower* divorce rates.

Edit: Actual study is at Divorce among physicians and other healthcare professionals in the United States: analysis of census survey data
 
  • Like
Reactions: 7 users
About the Ads

90sportsfan

Full Member
Apr 16, 2020
108
68
Status (Visible)
  1. Medical Student
Something about this post doesn't seem to fully add up. Match Day was almost 2 months ago, so why would issues about moving for Residency just now coming up? It seems like this had to have been discussed prior to just now. Also, if the OP has a residency spot at Mass Gen/Harvard, why would this even be a discussion; there are only 2 options, you keep the spot or you give up 4 years and 100's of thousands of dollars worth of debt for your significant other. The choice seems like a no-brainer, and there really aren't any other options.

If this was going to be an issue, why wouldn't you have only applied to local residencies? Even with that, given that there are no guarantees for a spot, your significant other should have known since the beginning of medical school that there is a chance you would need to move during residency. And if he/she couldn't be supportive of that, the choice is pretty obvious.

Again, something just doesn't add up with this; unless there is a lot more to the story not being revealed.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user

ThoracicGuy

Full Member
7+ Year Member
Jun 11, 2013
10,875
26,001
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
Something about this post doesn't seem to fully add up. Match Day was almost 2 months ago, so why would issues about moving for Residency just now coming up? It seems like this had to have been discussed prior to just now. Also, if the OP has a residency spot at Mass Gen/Harvard, why would this even be a discussion; there are only 2 options, you keep the spot or you give up 4 years and 100's of thousands of dollars worth of debt for your significant other. The choice seems like a no-brainer, and there really aren't any other options.

If this was going to be an issue, why wouldn't you have only applied to local residencies? Even with that, given that there are no guarantees for a spot, your significant other should have known since the beginning of medical school that there is a chance you would need to move during residency. And if he/she couldn't be supportive of that, the choice is pretty obvious.

Again, something just doesn't add up with this; unless there is a lot more to the story not being revealed.

Or maybe now its graduation and time to move so it's really starting to sink in...
 
  • Like
Reactions: 6 users
D

deleted1005514

Something about this post doesn't seem to fully add up. Match Day was almost 2 months ago, so why would issues about moving for Residency just now coming up? It seems like this had to have been discussed prior to just now. Also, if the OP has a residency spot at Mass Gen/Harvard, why would this even be a discussion; there are only 2 options, you keep the spot or you give up 4 years and 100's of thousands of dollars worth of debt for your significant other. The choice seems like a no-brainer, and there really aren't any other options.

If this was going to be an issue, why wouldn't you have only applied to local residencies? Even with that, given that there are no guarantees for a spot, your significant other should have known since the beginning of medical school that there is a chance you would need to move during residency. And if he/she couldn't be supportive of that, the choice is pretty obvious.

Again, something just doesn't add up with this; unless there is a lot more to the story not being revealed.

Sometimes SOs aren't fully aware of how the residency/match works. I know my husband wasn't until I explained to him that it's not like medical school, where you apply and then choose from wherever you're accepted. He didn't realize that you have to go where you match, that it's contractual, and very difficult to switch out of. You can't just transfer a residency spot like you can transfer in college.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 4 users

SirGecko

Go Navy
10+ Year Member
Feb 27, 2008
1,254
112
Status (Visible)
  1. Resident [Any Field]
To parrot what others have said that distance isn’t the end of the world and residency isn’t that long. I did about that distance from my now wife for four years and it wasn’t ideal but if it’s a relationship worth keeping it’s doable. Your SO is either trying to tell you he wants to break up and just needs to man up and say it and/or he doesn’t understand how residency works.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 users

Goro

SDN Gold Donor
10+ Year Member
Jun 11, 2010
66,141
101,908
Somewhere west of St. Louis
Status (Visible)
  1. Non-Student
I just finished medical school and got matched at Mass Gen Hospital in Boston for my residency. My SO and I live together in a city about 6 hours away from Boston by car. We have been together for 5 years and the relationship has been great. He is quite settled in our current city with a house and families. He does not want to move to Boston with me or be in a long distance relationship. He is trying to convinced me to give up my residency at Harvard and to do my residency locally. I am torn between a great opportunity and my relationship. Do you guys have any advice for me? Thank you~~~~
Very sorry to hear about this, Mila.

if you follow the BF's path, will you then resent it several years down the road?

Unless the guy is a major catch, if you were my own kid, I'd tell you to follow your dreams.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 12 users

Mass Effect

Full Member
7+ Year Member
Feb 23, 2012
3,962
9,766
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
***This is a very good learning moment though. The process of becoming a physician is NOT conducive to any sort of "relationship."

BS. We were together when I was a junior in college. We did long distance through all of med school and eventually we both moved to where I matched for residency and we got married my intern year. Still happy as ever.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 5 users

PTPoeny

Senior Member
15+ Year Member
Mar 3, 2005
747
262
Status (Visible)
  1. Fellow [Any Field]
My husband also didn't understand the match process until we were well into it. I know you have gotten lots of good information above. Why isn't he willing to consider long distance? My husband and I did long distance for intern year and it was perfect for us. He was finishing up his old job but was able to get modified hours to work M-Th and we spent every weekend together. I had our house to myself for several nights and knowing that I would want to do fun stuff with any free time on the weekends so I studied like crazy on the nights he wasn't around. I know it doesn't work for everyone, but not being willing to try something is a red flag to me.
 
D

deleted1005514

***This is a very good learning moment though. The process of becoming a physician is NOT conducive to any sort of "relationship." I wish more people knew this before signing up. And even as an attending, divorce rates are the highest of any major occupation. Likely due to scenarios like the OP is in.

This is not true, at least not in healthy, mature relationships. I moved for my husband’s education and career when we got married, and was the equivalent of a stay at home medical spouse (Different industry) for 15 years while he finished 3 degrees and got his career established and successful. I didn’t have to return to school, but I had a drive to and he supported me wholeheartedly.

In turn, I looked for schools in areas where he could work and our family would be happy. He took a job that allowed him to be more flexible with the kids’ schedules so I could devote my time to school.

It’s a constant give and take...you can’t be selfish and make a relationship work. Medicine has nothing to do with it.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 2 users

Small Cell Carcinoma

Full Member
2+ Year Member
Feb 25, 2018
217
285
Status (Visible)
  1. Medical Student
This is not true, at least not in healthy, mature relationships. I moved for my husband’s education and career when we got married, and was the equivalent of a stay at home medical spouse (Different industry) for 15 years while he finished 3 degrees and got his career established and successful. I didn’t have to return to school, but I had a drive to and he supported me wholeheartedly.

In turn, I looked for schools in areas where he could work and our family would be happy. He took a job that allowed him to be more flexible with the kids’ schedules so I could devote my time to school.

It’s a constant give and take...you can’t be selfish and make a relationship work. Medicine has nothing to do with it.

Was it worth putting your own career on hold for 15 years (assuming I am understanding your story correctly)?

If anything I would say this highlights the idea that medicine and trying to maintain a healthy relationship/family are incompatible. Life isn't long enough to be taking decades long turns and sacrificing the most productive years of your life for other people.
 
Last edited:
  • Dislike
  • Okay...
Reactions: 2 users

CalmAndCollected

Full Member
2+ Year Member
Apr 8, 2017
104
78
Status (Visible)
  1. Medical Student
Sometimes SOs aren't fully aware of how the residency/match works. I know my husband wasn't until I explained to him that it's not like medical school, where you apply and then choose from wherever you're accepted. He didn't realize that you have to go where you match, that it's contractual, and very difficult to switch out of. You can't just transfer a residency spot like you can transfer in college.
I find that nobody except people who have been significantly involved in the match, or are very close to those significantly involved, even fully understand how it works. I had to reexplain the details to my parents and to physician mentors every time the topic came up, and I still don't think they fully understand it. People seem to think it is either like a job where you network and can get multiple offers you negotiate, or they think it is like university, where you get in to multiple places and take the best offer. Many friends seem confused as to why I need to wait until march for an offer and why I can only get a single offer.

The idea that rejecting a residency offer, quitting, or getting fired is basically destroying your career is ludicrous to most people I have tried explaining it to, and take it as an exaggeration. Honestly, trying to explain the whole process of residency to non-medical people and seeing their reactions has informed me about how ridiculous this whole system is...

Something about this post doesn't seem to fully add up. Match Day was almost 2 months ago, so why would issues about moving for Residency just now coming up? It seems like this had to have been discussed prior to just now. Also, if the OP has a residency spot at Mass Gen/Harvard, why would this even be a discussion; there are only 2 options, you keep the spot or you give up 4 years and 100's of thousands of dollars worth of debt for your significant other. The choice seems like a no-brainer, and there really aren't any other options.

If this was going to be an issue, why wouldn't you have only applied to local residencies? Even with that, given that there are no guarantees for a spot, your significant other should have known since the beginning of medical school that there is a chance you would need to move during residency. And if he/she couldn't be supportive of that, the choice is pretty obvious.

Again, something just doesn't add up with this; unless there is a lot more to the story not being revealed.

It's pretty clear OP and her partner have communication issues, and judging by how cagey she is on details of the discussion between her and her partner, there is obviously more to the story. I would wager she is seeking validation for her feelings and plans, and not actually representing her partner in a nuanced way.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user
About the Ads
D

deleted1005514

Was it worth putting your own career on hold for 15 years (assuming I am understanding your story correctly)?

If anything I would say this highlights the idea that medicine and trying to maintain a healthy relationship/family are incompatible. Life isn't long enough to be taking decades long turns and sacrificing the most productive years of your life for other people.

I didn’t put my career on hold for 15 years for my husband, I did it because I valued my children having a stay at home mom until they were all in school and more independent. I was in college when we married, and when I found out we were having our son I wanted to stay at home with him...then we had a few more.

I could have finished school alongside him, hired babysitters and nannys with student loan money, and we would have been a power couple in our 30s, but that’s not what I wanted, and he supported my decision to stay home. I got to thoroughly enjoy them when they were little, and I returned to school when I was ready.

I disagree that our most productive years are behind us...I would say that if anything our years moving forward have more earning potential than any we’ve had in the past, and because our children will be grown when I finish school, we’ll have the freedom to work or travel wherever we want without having to think about good school districts, extracurricular activities, etc.

I was in no way saying that partners should take decades long turns achieving their goals, that’s just how it worked out for us. And for 15+ years, being a full time mom HAS been my “career“, and I don’t regret it one bit. I’m now working on my second career. I was simply saying that in order for any relationship to work in any industry, medicine included, you must have compromise.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 8 users

90sportsfan

Full Member
Apr 16, 2020
108
68
Status (Visible)
  1. Medical Student
Sometimes SOs aren't fully aware of how the residency/match works. I know my husband wasn't until I explained to him that it's not like medical school, where you apply and then choose from wherever you're accepted. He didn't realize that you have to go where you match, that it's contractual, and very difficult to switch out of. You can't just transfer a residency spot like you can transfer in college.

All fair points. I guess it just seems a little surprising that the issue is coming up now since the OP said that she is living with her SO. She would have had to go on interviews for residency, so you would have thought that the issues of relocation and how they would deal with it would have been on the table a long time ago. If they were in a long distance relationship and the SO was more removed from the whole process, then that seems more understandable. But they have been living together throughout medical school. Maybe, it's just reality sinking in now, that is the issue???
 
D

deleted1005514

All fair points. I guess it just seems a little surprising that the issue is coming up now since the OP said that she is living with her SO. She would have had to go on interviews for residency, so you would have thought that the issues of relocation and how they would deal with it would have been on the table a long time ago. If they were in a long distance relationship and the SO was more removed from the whole process, then that seems more understandable. But they have been living together throughout medical school. Maybe, it's just reality sinking in now, that is the issue???
I was referring more to the fact that residency isn't something you can just transfer or turn down without serious consequences. I agree that the discussion of residency location should have been clear, especially since they were living together, and that this could be coming up as a result of actual realizing that this move/long distance issue is really real. Bottom line is, we only have one person's perspective on this, so we're offering advice half-blind.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user

GoSpursGo

Allons-y!
Staff member
Administrator
10+ Year Member
Sep 30, 2008
32,256
8,214
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
Just a couple of things that I want to emphasize/point out:

1) I don't think it's fair to blame the OP for not wanting to move for the OP's dream residency. Not everyone has the same dreams and life goals, he's allowed to make his own.

2) This is a little bit of me reading into the subtext, but I get the sense that you guys probably know there's something off with your relationship, either in terms of personalities or that you know your life goals aren't aligned. To me, if you've been together 5 years and you're not at least engaged, then either you're a couple that just doesn't believe in marriage (so if that's the case, fine), or there is some reason that is holding you back from making a commitment. You're not in high school, you guys for the most part are who you are going to be, and if at this point you're still not convinced the other person is right for you there's probably a good reason for that hesitancy. The fact that you've been together for 5 years and never explicitly got his full input when putting your match list together I think speaks to the fact that you knew that something is not aligned between the two of you. Crossing your fingers and hoping that he would change his mind with time isn't fair to him, and isn't realistic--this isn't a Lifetime movie where he's suddenly going to realize that nothing else matters other than being with you.

3) In the same vein, I think this is a great example of how a relationship needs more than just love/friendship/personalities to last. That stuff is necessary, but not sufficient. In a world with 7 billion people, you can find someone else that you can love that also has long-term goals that are aligned with your own.

It sucks to break up. But it sucks even worse to make compromises that you really don't want to make, get married, and then get divorced 5 years later because you still have irreconcilable differences.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: 9 users

Sardonix

Full Member
10+ Year Member
Sep 6, 2010
799
2,128
Status (Visible)
  1. Resident [Any Field]
It's not fair to demand a SO drop everything and move with you if they truly don't want to.

But it's also not fair for them to hint they'd be okay going to Boston in the past, then turn around when confronted with that exact reality. It's been 5 years. Your SO demanding you magically "switch" residencies--impractical and nearly impossible regardless of its competitiveness--while refusing to move with you or even trying long distance tells me the relationship is not rock solid. If anything it sounds like the SO is attempting to end the relationship without saying it.

I'm sorry OP, but it looks like you have some tough decisions to make.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user

Small Cell Carcinoma

Full Member
2+ Year Member
Feb 25, 2018
217
285
Status (Visible)
  1. Medical Student
I didn’t put my career on hold for 15 years for my husband, I did it because I valued my children having a stay at home mom until they were all in school and more independent. I was in college when we married, and when I found out we were having our son I wanted to stay at home with him...then we had a few more.

I could have finished school alongside him, hired babysitters and nannys with student loan money, and we would have been a power couple in our 30s, but that’s not what I wanted, and he supported my decision to stay home. I got to thoroughly enjoy them when they were little, and I returned to school when I was ready.

I disagree that our most productive years are behind us...I would say that if anything our years moving forward have more earning potential than any we’ve had in the past, and because our children will be grown when I finish school, we’ll have the freedom to work or travel wherever we want without having to think about good school districts, extracurricular activities, etc.

I was in no way saying that partners should take decades long turns achieving their goals, that’s just how it worked out for us. And for 15+ years, being a full time mom HAS been my “career“, and I don’t regret it one bit. I’m now working on my second career. I was simply saying that in order for any relationship to work in any industry, medicine included, you must have compromise.

I think it's great that you went back to school at an older age and followed through with your own plans in life. But that being said, why did you need to be the one to stay at home? Also why not avoid this all together and steer clear of starting a family in the first place? Maybe our priorities aren't the same and I don't mean to single you out personally, but this is likely something many aspiring doctors have gone through and I would say a vast majority are not willing to try getting into medical school at age forty something.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 user

smq123

John William Waterhouse
Staff member
Administrator
Volunteer Staff
15+ Year Member
Jan 9, 2006
14,564
5,297
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
I think it's great that you went back to school at an older age and followed through with your own plans in life. But that being said, why did you need to be the one to stay at home? Also why not avoid this all together and steer clear of starting a family in the first place? Maybe our priorities aren't the same and I don't mean to single you out personally, but this is likely something many aspiring doctors have gone through and I would say a vast majority are not willing to try getting into medical school at age forty something.

It sounds like she chose to be at home. As she said, she got to enjoy her kids when they were little.

She got to have her kids AND is learning medicine - yes, later in life, but as a character in a Tree Grows in Brooklyn said, you have to get older anyway, you might as well get educated while you're doing it. I feel like she got the best of both worlds. I don't see why that's so difficult to understand.

While there are some doctors who don't have any interest in starting a family, I would guess that they're in the minority. Having a doctor doesn't and shouldn't preclude you from having a normal life outside of the hospital/clinic.
 
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: 12 users

Small Cell Carcinoma

Full Member
2+ Year Member
Feb 25, 2018
217
285
Status (Visible)
  1. Medical Student
It sounds like she chose to be at home. As she said, she got to enjoy her kids when they were little.

She got to have her kids AND is learning medicine - yes, later in life, but as a character in a Tree Grows in Brooklyn said, you have to get older anyway, you might as well get educated while you're doing it. I feel like she got the best of both worlds. I don't see why that's so difficult to understand.

While there are some doctors who don't have any interest in starting a family, I would guess that they're in the minority. Having a doctor doesn't and shouldn't preclude you from having a normal life outside of the hospital/clinic.

Yeah I think it's good to have both if thats what you want. But 12+ years of schooling in somewhat unpredictable locations comes with a lot of sacrifice that I see ruining a lot of my colleagues lives. It was one thing decades ago when most people went straight from college to medical school with no gaps. But the starting age of medical students now is approaching 26 in many schools. I can't imagine dealing with all the stress and conflicts that come with a committed relationship on top of being in the pressure cooker that is medical training in this country.
 

smq123

John William Waterhouse
Staff member
Administrator
Volunteer Staff
15+ Year Member
Jan 9, 2006
14,564
5,297
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
Yeah I think it's good to have both if thats what you want. But 12+ years of schooling in somewhat unpredictable locations comes with a lot of sacrifice that I see ruining a lot of my colleagues lives. It was one thing decades ago when most people went straight from college to medical school with no gaps. But the starting age of medical students now is approaching 26 in many schools. I can't imagine dealing with all the stress and conflicts that come with a committed relationship on top of being in the pressure cooker that is medical training in this country.

Most healthy relationships shouldn't be THAT stressful and certainly shouldn't be riddled with conflict. I mean....it's a relationship with someone that you love, not a military exercise.

It is also somewhat easier to maintain a relationship in residency than it was in 3rd year of medical school. It helps if your partner is also in the healthcare field as that can make your schedule easier to understand.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: 7 users

Small Cell Carcinoma

Full Member
2+ Year Member
Feb 25, 2018
217
285
Status (Visible)
  1. Medical Student
Out of curiosity, have you been in a healthy long-term adult relationship? Because most healthy relationships shouldn't be THAT stressful and certainly shouldn't be riddled with conflict. I mean....it's a relationship with someone that you love, not a military exercise.

I'm not sure what your definition of a healthy relationship is, but I've dated while in college/medical school and found it to be very taxing and stressful. It was a huge distraction from academics and I can definitely see it being something that leads to people failing classes/exams. As far as long term commitment goes, I can only imagine that the burden is increased ten fold. Who wants to get pummeled by professors/attendings all day just to go home to another high maintenance commitment that you need to pour even more energy into? Most people get married for the financial benefits that come with it. As a physician, you will make more than enough to support yourself so making this sacrifice makes no sense. Why go through so many years of training/hardship just to have someone else tell you what you are allowed to do with your money and spare time? (not to mention a 50/50 chance of it leaving you financially and emotionally ruined)
 
  • Dislike
  • Like
Reactions: 3 users

Raryn

Infernal Internist / Enigmatic Endocrinologist
10+ Year Member
Apr 25, 2008
8,580
8,588
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
I'm not sure what your definition of a healthy relationship is, but I've dated while in college/medical school and found it to be very taxing and stressful. It was a huge distraction from academics and I can definitely see it being something that leads to people failing classes/exams. As far as long term commitment goes, I can only imagine that the burden is increased ten fold. Who wants to get pummeled by professors/attendings all day just to go home to another high maintenance commitment that you need to pour even more energy into? Most people get married for the financial benefits that come with it. As a physician, you will make more than enough to support yourself so making this sacrifice makes no sense. Why go through so many years of training/hardship just to have someone else tell you what you are allowed to do with your money and spare time? (not to mention a 50/50 chance of it leaving you financially and emotionally ruined)

If your relationship doesn't give you as much energy as you pour into it, perhaps you should reevaluate for that.

And most people I know didn't get married for the financial benefits. I know plenty of couples where they'd pay fewer taxes if they were single than if they were married.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 15 users

TelemarketingEnigma

Full Member
2+ Year Member
Feb 12, 2017
1,602
3,560
Status (Visible)
  1. Medical Student
I'm not sure what your definition of a healthy relationship is, but I've dated while in college/medical school and found it to be very taxing and stressful. It was a huge distraction from academics and I can definitely see it being something that leads to people failing classes/exams. As far as long term commitment goes, I can only imagine that the burden is increased ten fold. Who wants to get pummeled by professors/attendings all day just to go home to another high maintenance commitment that you need to pour even more energy into? Most people get married for the financial benefits that come with it. As a physician, you will make more than enough to support yourself so making this sacrifice makes no sense. Why go through so many years of training/hardship just to have someone else tell you what you are allowed to do with your money and spare time? (not to mention a 50/50 chance of it leaving you financially and emotionally ruined)

yikes. a good relationship requires you to put energy and work in, yes, but you should also be getting something out of it that returns that energy to you - comfort, support, companionship. If your relationship is all stress, sex, and money, I don't think that's what most people would define as a healthy relationship.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 10 users

FFP

Gone
10+ Year Member
Oct 17, 2007
9,813
12,742
I just finished medical school and got matched at Mass Gen Hospital in Boston for my residency. My SO and I live together in a city about 6 hours away from Boston by car. We have been together for 5 years and the relationship has been great. He is quite settled in our current city with a house and families. He does not want to move to Boston with me or be in a long distance relationship. He is trying to convinced me to give up my residency at Harvard and to do my residency locally. I am torn between a great opportunity and my relationship. Do you guys have any advice for me? Thank you~~~~
He wants you to give up a residency at MGH, but he doesn't want to be in a long-distance relationship??? Honey, you've just lucked out. You've just found out you have wasted 5 years of your life on a guy who hasn't been planning to be with you for much longer; true love doesn't give up so easily.

Count your blessings, and congratulations for your Match!!! Time to move on, to Boston. Distance will also give you a much better perspective on your relationship.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: 19 users

gutonc

No Meat, No Treat
Staff member
Administrator
Volunteer Staff
15+ Year Member
Mar 6, 2005
19,846
14,533
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
I'm not sure what your definition of a healthy relationship is, but I've dated while in college/medical school and found it to be very taxing and stressful. It was a huge distraction from academics and I can definitely see it being something that leads to people failing classes/exams. As far as long term commitment goes, I can only imagine that the burden is increased ten fold. Who wants to get pummeled by professors/attendings all day just to go home to another high maintenance commitment that you need to pour even more energy into? Most people get married for the financial benefits that come with it. As a physician, you will make more than enough to support yourself so making this sacrifice makes no sense. Why go through so many years of training/hardship just to have someone else tell you what you are allowed to do with your money and spare time? (not to mention a 50/50 chance of it leaving you financially and emotionally ruined)
I think we've figured out why an LTR hasn't been in the cards for you.
 
  • Like
  • Haha
Reactions: 20 users

FFP

Gone
10+ Year Member
Oct 17, 2007
9,813
12,742
I'm not sure what your definition of a healthy relationship is, but I've dated while in college/medical school and found it to be very taxing and stressful. It was a huge distraction from academics and I can definitely see it being something that leads to people failing classes/exams. As far as long term commitment goes, I can only imagine that the burden is increased ten fold. Who wants to get pummeled by professors/attendings all day just to go home to another high maintenance commitment that you need to pour even more energy into? Most people get married for the financial benefits that come with it. As a physician, you will make more than enough to support yourself so making this sacrifice makes no sense. Why go through so many years of training/hardship just to have someone else tell you what you are allowed to do with your money and spare time? (not to mention a 50/50 chance of it leaving you financially and emotionally ruined)
Ouch! I don't see a happy marriage in your future, if you don't change your views (and this is coming from a cynic).

As an immigrant from a different culture, I also completely understand. This post will be hugely unpopular, but many American women do not inspire romantic love. Way too "practical" and calculating, like SCC above. The younger generations drive even my saint wife crazy.

Btw, truly smart people don't marry for financial benefits, but (beyond the romantic reasons - for better or worse...) to offer a stable and solid home to their offspring.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: 3 users

Neuronix

Total nerd
Staff member
Administrator
Volunteer Staff
15+ Year Member
Mar 14, 2002
14,093
5,379
the beach
Status (Visible)
  1. Attending Physician
Btw, truly smart people don't marry for financial benefits, but (beyond the romantic reasons - for better or worse...) to offer a stable and solid home to their offspring.

How does marriage make a home situation any more stable compared to unmarried partners?
 

FFP

Gone
10+ Year Member
Oct 17, 2007
9,813
12,742
How does marriage make a home situation any more stable compared to unmarried partners?
It's harder to leave a marriage than a non legally-binding relationship. Also it's harder to deny that the children are yours.

There is also the aspect of commitment. Many people who are perfectly fine with being in a long-term relationship will have trouble committing to a marriage. If one cannot commit to a marriage, one should probably not make children either, because that's another long-term and expensive commitment.

Because of the latter, I expect the probability of becoming a single parent to be much higher in non-married couples.
 
  • Like
Reactions: 1 users
About the Ads
This thread is more than 1 year old.

Your message may be considered spam for the following reasons:

  1. Your new thread title is very short, and likely is unhelpful.
  2. Your reply is very short and likely does not add anything to the thread.
  3. Your reply is very long and likely does not add anything to the thread.
  4. It is very likely that it does not need any further discussion and thus bumping it serves no purpose.
  5. Your message is mostly quotes or spoilers.
  6. Your reply has occurred very quickly after a previous reply and likely does not add anything to the thread.
  7. This thread is locked.