Overbearing Parents & Finances

[raiderette]

Can you try sitting them down to day you really want to learn to be financially responsible? Say you want to learn how to live on X dollars a month, and ask them for their support. Explain that you value their support, but you need to learn how to manage money in order to be a responsible adult. Tell them you respect me and all the values they have taught you, but you want to show them that you can trust you.

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[ndafife]

I think many people, but especially white people, would benefit from being more aware of these issues and their limits on these issues in the increasingly difficult times like we are now.

Sorry the whole "kicked off the family payroll at 18" has me feeling really bad for the difficult situation OP is in right now

 

[You shall know the Truth]

Marriage; not at all. That is one thing they are not pressuring me for but are respectful of how long the medicine journey and have left it up to me.

That’s good, keep your focus on school. I wish you the best.

 

[seekere]

I come from a Russian Jewish immigrant family. I have by far the most overbearing parents of anybody I have ever met, including my asian friends. I straight up told my parents during college (mostly my dad) that if they were to continue, our relationship would significantly worsen. They are overbearing because they love you, as you know. Once you be straight and strict with them, they will back off a little bit. The last thing they want is to **** up their relationship with you. You are an adult and have to go on the offensive a little bit. Tell your dad that he is not to ask you a million questions about everything, as it is hurting your mental health and you are suffering. Make them a little afraid, as you really are the one with power- once you realize this, you can begin to mold the relationship in the way you like.

Either way, you have to move out. You are in medical school...living at home is the biggest recipe for disaster out there.

P.S I was a psych major and half my classes consisted of someone lecturing white people about multicultural issues as if every white person is a dumb WASP. Whoever posted that ******* racist comment, **** you. Go hang out with alexandra ocasio-cortez or something.

 

[atomi]

I would love to see some of you guys in action at a high-density immigrant health clinic. I guess if we move our families to the Netherlands, we should expect our entire family to transform into Dutchmen.

How much useful value can non-immigrant Americans provide to the OP?
How much value can other immigrant Americans provide to the OP?
How much value can other south Asians provide to the OP?
How much of this does OP have to sort for herself?

This is a country of immigrants. There is a bare minimum of assilimation required to be successful as an immigrant. Refusal to assimilate will only cause problems.

 

[atomi]

“Increasingly difficult”? Compared to history life is awesome

Was struggling to explain to some sjw millennials the other day why the USA is the still currently the greatest place in the world for anybody to live. Apparently saying this and supporting anything our president does makes one a racist. Funny how traveling puts things in perspective. Listening to them, we are basically in 1940s Germany as non-Aryans. The hyperbole coming from the left has become unbearable and acutually sickening. It undermines the seriousness of all the actually horrible things that have happened to groups of people in history, usually under socialist or communist dictators. But yay, a whopping 40% of young people are cool with outright socialism.

 

[solitarius]

This is a country of immigrants. There is a bare minimum of assilimation required to be successful as an immigrant. Refusal to assimilate will only cause problems.

I am curious to see how this plays out in the decades ahead. There was an interesting study done of people five generations descended from Germany and they found a lot of those people still subconsciously had ethnic traits many generations later. This probably holds true for people from Asian and Latin American countries. What if you live in areas like CA or NYC with high numbers of first generation immigrants? I really think we're moving away from the melting pot and towards a mosaic with surface American commonalities. Already, there are persistent differences among the major racial groups.

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

I come from a Russian Jewish immigrant family. I have by far the most overbearing parents of anybody I have ever met, including my asian friends. I straight up told my parents during college (mostly my dad) that if they were to continue, our relationship would significantly worsen. They are overbearing because they love you, as you know. Once you be straight and strict with them, they will back off a little bit. The last thing they want is to **** up their relationship with you. You are an adult and have to go on the offensive a little bit. Tell your dad that he is not to ask you a million questions about everything, as it is hurting your mental health and you are suffering. Make them a little afraid, as you really are the one with power- once you realize this, you can begin to mold the relationship in the way you like.

Either way, you have to move out. You are in medical school...living at home is the biggest recipe for disaster out there.

P.S I was a psych major and half my classes consisted of someone lecturing white people about multicultural issues as if every white person is a dumb WASP. Whoever posted that ******* racist comment, **** you. Go hang out with alexandra ocasio-cortez or something.

Also from Jewish family (Ashkenazi). Can confirm.

 

[Crayola227]

So the difference here is that we underwent formal training to understand diabetes and treatments. We keep up with the literature.

Are you formally trained in the same way to deal with cultural issues? If you were, then yeah, I'd say your point is valid. On the flipside, would we trust someone who knows some diabetics and read up on WebMD to treat diabetics? I'd say that's where many people are on understanding cultural issues.

I think many people, but especially white people, would benefit from being more aware of these issues and their limits on these issues in the increasingly difficult times like we are now.

let's step in it and start to define who is and isn't white enough to have relevant advice

 

[Raney Schauer]

let's step in it and start to define who is and isn't white enough to have relevant advice

Solitarius has already stepped in it I'd say.

 

[Crayola227]

I come from a Russian Jewish immigrant family. I have by far the most overbearing parents of anybody I have ever met, including my asian friends. I straight up told my parents during college (mostly my dad) that if they were to continue, our relationship would significantly worsen. They are overbearing because they love you, as you know. Once you be straight and strict with them, they will back off a little bit. The last thing they want is to **** up their relationship with you. You are an adult and have to go on the offensive a little bit. Tell your dad that he is not to ask you a million questions about everything, as it is hurting your mental health and you are suffering. Make them a little afraid, as you really are the one with power- once you realize this, you can begin to mold the relationship in the way you like.

Either way, you have to move out. You are in medical school...living at home is the biggest recipe for disaster out there.

P.S I was a psych major and half my classes consisted of someone lecturing white people about multicultural issues as if every white person is a dumb WASP. Whoever posted that ******* racist comment, **** you. Go hang out with alexandra ocasio-cortez or something.

I left home during high school and lived on the street for almost a year. I enrolled in college. Family begged me to return. I did (not being homeless is actually pretty nice), but when I said it was under my terms, no one thought I was ****ing around. CHANGED EVERYTHING

Leaving home doesn't have to be permanent, in fact. But it can bring about a whole new world.

I don't want say it's a blanket thing that you can't make staying at home work, but ultimately the only way that any boundary with another human being can totally work is if at some point you are willing and able to back it up by following through on leaving. Bluffing doesn't cut it.

 

[Crayola227]

This is a country of immigrants. There is a bare minimum of assilimation required to be successful as an immigrant. Refusal to assimilate will only cause problems.

I hardly think that is what anyone here is talking about

no one is talking about OP not displaying a bare minimum of assimilation to be successful, or even her parents

difficulties in the family of origin relating to immigration and the generation gap is not a refusal to assimilate and are completely to be expected

 

[solitarius]

My point is totally valid.

What group is more likely to get accused of racism?
What group has large swaths of the population in areas where there are no minorities? And hence, at risk of assuming other groups act like them? And be accused of racism or racial insensitivity?

If you effectively work with other groups, I'm happy for you and my comments obviously didn't apply to you. Obvious to me at least.

 

[sunshinefl]

My point is totally valid.

What group is more likely to get accused of racism?
What group has large swaths of the population in areas where there are no minorities? And hence, at risk of assuming other groups act like them? And be accused of racism or racial insensitivity?

If you effectively work with other groups, I'm happy for you and my comments obviously didn't apply to you. Obvious to me at least.

What?! What group has populations where there are no minorities? lol well I guess not the minorities by the definition you made up.

 

[raiderette]

What?! What group has populations where there are no minorities? lol well I guess not the minorities by the definition you made up.

I went to high school in a town in the Midwest that was 99 % Caucasian. They were also 45%evangelical, so women couldn't cut their hair, swim in a coed pool or wear pants. So much for assimilation. Not the group that could make America great again.

 

[sunshinefl]

I went to high school in a town in the Midwest that was 99 % Caucasian. They were also 45%evangelical, so women couldn't cut their hair, swim in a coed pool or wear pants. So much for assimilation. Not the group that could make America great again.

I’m sure areas exist. My point was that he was using a made up criteria that by definition excluded minorities and only included whites, in order to prove something something whites are racist something.

 

[precisiongraphic]

Moving out and paying your own bills gives you authority

She said moving out wasn't an option. She doesn't have to and I'm giving advice, which she is free to ignore. Lecturing me isn't going to help. I moved out at 18 and never got a dime after that.

 

[Terror Billy]

A really nauseating amount of self-righteousness going on in this thread...anyways

OP: Best strategy as some have mentioned is to sit down and lay some ground rules, it can be incredibly tough to have an adult convo with immigrant parents, but you need to make them understand your situation. Do this NOW, as when school starts you won't have the time or energy to do it.

 

[deleted480308]

My point is totally valid.

What group is more likely to get accused of racism?
What group has large swaths of the population in areas where there are no minorities? And hence, at risk of assuming other groups act like them? And be accused of racism or racial insensitivity?

If you effectively work with other groups, I'm happy for you and my comments obviously didn't apply to you. Obvious to me at least.

?
No minorities? Like none? If You think a large part of the country is like that you need to travel more

I went to high school in a town in the Midwest that was 99 % Caucasian. They were also 45%evangelical, so women couldn't cut their hair, swim in a coed pool or wear pants. So much for assimilation. Not the group that could make America great again.

just for context that is not the norm for evangelicals

She said moving out wasn't an option. She doesn't have to and I'm giving advice, which she is free to ignore. Lecturing me isn't going to help. I moved out at 18 and never got a dime after that.

It is an option. Whether she chooses to or not

No lecture and it isn’t impacted by when either of us went independent

 

[Detective SnowBucket]

I come from a white family, so all they want is your land (wait, did I say that out loud?)

OP, please move out. I cannot envision this ending well when combined with the stress of medical school.

 

[RNthenDoc]

So the difference here is that we underwent formal training to understand diabetes and treatments. We keep up with the literature.

Are you formally trained in the same way to deal with cultural issues? If you were, then yeah, I'd say your point is valid. On the flipside, would we trust someone who knows some diabetics and read up on WebMD to treat diabetics? I'd say that's where many people are on understanding cultural issues.

I think many people, but especially white people, would benefit from being more aware of these issues and their limits on these issues in the increasingly difficult times like we are now.

Actually, yes, I am formally trained in culturally-congruent care, intersectionality, racial bias etc.

Your last statement is dangerously bordering on racism, also.

 

[Raney Schauer]

Actually, yes, I am formally trained in culturally-congruent care, intersectionality, racial bias etc.

Your last statement is dangerously bordering on racism, also.

Most of them in this thread have been, frankly.

 

[IMreshopeful]

This is a country of immigrants. There is a bare minimum of assilimation required to be successful as an immigrant. Refusal to assimilate will only cause problems.

Nope **** that. This country is a mosaic of cultures. I am proud of my own culture of origin and see no need to “assimilate” in the sense that traditionally people think. I can be both American and of an ethnic background.

 

[watermelon master]

I'm South Asian, too. My parents offered to pay for my tuition. I accepted their offer and I also got a side hustle to make some extra money for other expenses.

In the end, I'm out of med school debt free and pushing a ton of my residency income into investments with plenty left over for other things. YMMV

What's the best thing to invest in during residency given that after living expenses and all there isn't more than few 10ks?

 

[ChymeofPassion]

What's the best thing to invest in during residency given that after living expenses and all there isn't more than few 10ks?

VTI

 

[CherryRedDracul]

What's the best thing to invest in during residency given that after living expenses and all there isn't more than few 10ks?

Start investing in your retirement accounts.

If your residency employer provides a match for your 403b, put at least enough money to match your employer's contributions. If not, max out your Roth IRA first. Then max out your 403b.

 

[Mad Jack]

lol @ the generic American-themed responses to a South Asian cultural issue.

I mean, culture is entirely in your head. You don't have to bow to it, you choose to.

 

[TheIllusionist]

take it from a fellow ethnik brah...

you lack courage and dignity

grow up and let go of your mumijee's sari and daddyjee's dhooti

 

[Weirdy]

Pull the nail before it pinches further.

It can happen now or 10 years from now, but sooner or later you will have a very very ugly conversation about how your life is your life, and having it dictated by your parents is slowing you down.

It will not stop after you graduate. It will not stop after you get married. It will not stop after you have children.

You should have the ugly conversations and arguments now rather than later --when you will be so heavily invested in your career, relationships, and lifestyle-- only to have it questioned and scorned every time you come home.

These things will also affect your relationship with your spouse in the future.


Nip it in the bud now.

 

[joeschmoejohndoe]

It is basically an all or none. Tears, emotional guilt, ignoring/arguments, and a general sense of bitterness in the air over the next several years, possibly life. Right now, I cant tell which is more emotionally draining; to go through all that or listen to financial talks that are meant for my good. I understand what you are saying though and change will come about by doing somethingg instead of nothing. Thanks!

To the OP, my parents are white so not the same cultural considerations as your family but I had essentially the exact same blow up argument with my parents last week. I'm still taking out loans but they're helping with living expenses and a small bit of tuition that's left over. We're at the point where I essentially can't spend any money (not even money that I've saved from summer jobs) if they're not ok with it otherwise I will basically be on my own as far as paying for the remainder of school/expenses.

It's frustrating and annoying and a whole lot of other things but if I told them to f off and cut ties, I'd be on the hook for 60k over the next 3 years and 120k after everything is paid back (yay interest -_-). For me, even with everything going on, I haven't reached the point where its worth an extra 120k of debt + the severed ties with family. I think you have to weigh for yourself if the amount of money that you're saving is worth the crap you're going through with your parents and if so then keep your head down and try to move on so that it doesn't keep affecting you. I'll probably question my decision as stuff pops up until school is over, but when i graduate, I will be glad I stuck through it (hopefully lol). Good luck!

 

[Angus Avagadro]

To quote Dave Ramsey, "Debt is tyranny" you are getting up every day to work for someone else. That's right, the first check you earn goes to the bank/govt, then you get to eat. If you can work with the parents, then I think accepting help is preferable to paying the govt. If you can't handle the family, then borrow the money and eat Rahman noodles for the next 20 yrs. My wife and I did it,(Rahman noodles) and it all worked out. As far as assimilation, that is another topic, not for SDN

 

[puahate]

This would be a nightmare if you were a guy.