Which is a better hook for PS?

[Prometheus123]

Do either of these sentences make you interested in reading more relative to most PSs? Which is more intriguing?

Is starting with my fidgeting and nerves a turn-off?

Key differences in bold:

1. I fidgeted in the hot Mumbai air, not wanting X, the woman sitting across the table from me, to sense how nervous first dates made me. I could tell from her exhaustion she had worked longer and harder hours than I that day.

2. I fidgeted in the hot Mumbai air, not wanting X, the woman sitting across the table from me, to sense how nervous this first date made me. I could tell from her exhaustion she had worked longer and harder hours than I that day.

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[gyngyn]

I don't recommend hooks.

 

[Prometheus123]

I don't recommend hooks.

Thank you. 1 or 2?
1 is a mock-up of a less hook-like first sentence.

1. Talking to my date across the table in the warm Mumbai evening air, I could tell from her exhaustion she had worked longer and harder hours than I that day.

2. I fidgeted in the hot Mumbai air, not wanting X, the woman sitting across the table from me, to sense how nervous first dates made me. I could tell from her exhaustion she had worked longer and harder hours than I that day.

 

[gyngyn]

1 or 2?
1 is a mock-up of a less hook-like first sentence.

1. Talking to my date across the table in the warm Mumbai evening air, I could tell from her exhaustion she had worked longer and harder hours than I that day.

2. I fidgeted in the hot Mumbai air, not wanting X, the woman sitting across the table from me, to sense how nervous first dates made me. I could tell from her exhaustion she had worked longer and harder hours than I that day.

These are parodies!

 

[Goro]

OP, humor doesn't travel well across the electrons.

If you're serious, these are really good ways to get rejected by a screener.

 

[Professional Student]

I don't recommend hooks.

Neither do Oklahomans. We just use our hands and call it "noodling."

 

[dcmorgan96]

For what it's worth, it seems that quite a few of the examples in this link begin with "hooks"

https://premed.uga.edu/sites/default/files/u62/stanfordsamplestatements.pdf

 

[gyngyn]

For what it's worth, it seems that quite a few of the examples in this link begin with "hooks"

https://premed.uga.edu/sites/default/files/u62/stanfordsamplestatements.pdf

They all made my eyes bleed!

 

[Lucca]

Hooks are bad writing.

Want to get people's attention? Write something interesting and write it well, clearly, and concisely.

 

[Prometheus123]

Just got back from a 3 hour and $300 grocery shopping trip with my in-laws. Such alarming surprises waiting for me on SDN when I got home! Everyone's always told me I have to have a hook. How is this version of the first paragraph with the first sentence hook deleted?

"I could tell from my date's exhaustion she had worked longer and harder hours than I that day. Yet to my admiration, she looked completely at ease, her comfort seeming to stem from deep-rooted satisfaction. Curious, I asked her what she did. She replied that she worked as a hospital intensivist.

Intrigued, I asked questions about her experiences with patients. I told her how I had been inspired by a doctor who used an experimental medication to slow the progression of Parkinson’s in my grandfather, whom I loved and respected..."

OP, humor doesn't travel well across the electrons.

If you're serious, these are really good ways to get rejected by a screener.

For what it's worth, it seems that quite a few of the examples in this link begin with "hooks"

https://premed.uga.edu/sites/default/files/u62/stanfordsamplestatements.pdf

They all made my eyes bleed!

Hooks are bad writing.

Want to get people's attention? Write something interesting and write it well, clearly, and concisely.

 

[cactusman]

Hooks are bad writing.

Want to get people's attention? Write something interesting and write it well, clearly, and concisely.

x 3 for college students who still start their essays with a question.

 

[Lucca]

Just got back from a 3 hour and $300 grocery shopping trip with my in-laws. Such alarming surprises waiting for me on SDN when I got home! Everyone's always told me I have to have a hook. How is this version of the first paragraph with the first sentence hook deleted?

"I could tell from my date's exhaustion she had worked longer and harder hours than I that day. Yet to my admiration, she looked completely at ease, her comfort seeming to stem from deep-rooted satisfaction. Curious, I asked her what she did. She replied that she worked as a hospital intensivist.

Intrigued, I asked questions about her experiences with patients. I told her how I had been inspired by a doctor who used an experimental medication to slow the progression of Parkinson’s in my grandfather, whom I loved and respected..."

My advice is to answer the question. I personally don't like reading narrative personal statements. I'm sure somebody out there can do it well, but I haven't seen it for med school apps. This anecdote about this date tells the adcom nothing about *you* or your journey to pursuing medicine other than you go on dates with doctors and had a grandfather with Parkinson's. If your grandfather's illness was an important point in your journey, just talk about it directly.

 

[Med Ed]

Just got back from a 3 hour and $300 grocery shopping trip with my in-laws. Such alarming surprises waiting for me on SDN when I got home! Everyone's always told me I have to have a hook.

They haven't read hundreds of bad hooks in succession.

 

[LizzyM]

It isn't a fecking novel... or even a bloody short story.

Keep it to the point: Several years ago in Mumbai, I met a woman who worked as a hospital intensivist. This was a profession I'd never heard of and it intrigued me. As I learned more about what she did....

 

[candbgirl]

After having read bits and pieces of your writing this past week I finally figured out what I was seeing. When I was very young my mother used to read Harlequin Romances. I sometimes read them too. All of your grandiose writing reminds me of Harlequin Romances with a bit of a medical spin. I cannot believe you still don't get what a PS really is. I've also decided you are trolling us at this point .


Sent from my iPad using SDN mobile app

 

[hopefulERdoc251]

fwiw, I had a hook and had pretty decent luck given my stats!

 

[edgerock24]

After having read bits and pieces of your writing this past week I finally figured out what I was seeing. When I was very young my mother used to read Harlequin Romances. I sometimes read them too. All of your grandiose writing reminds me of Harlequin Romances with a bit of a medical spin. I cannot believe you still don't get what a PS really is. I've also decided you are trolling us at this point .


Sent from my iPad using SDN mobile app

Yeah. There's also no doubt in my mind that the OP has a mild case of Aspergers too.

 

[Chromium Surfer]

It isn't a fecking novel... or even a bloody short story.

Keep it to the point: Several years ago in Mumbai, I met a woman who worked as a hospital intensivist. This was a profession I'd never heard of and it intrigued me. As I learned more about what she did....

I had to google what feck and fecking meant, it was a nice linguistic lesson

Yeah. There's also no doubt in my mind that the OP has a mild case of Aspergers too.

With all due respect, it's not appropriate to imply that someone has a developmental disorder. That's a serious issue, and this is part of the reason why SDN has a reputation of being "toxic" and people can find it unwelcoming. I know you were most likely joking and I personally can take a joke. However I think for the best of the community there are better ways to make your opinion know!

 

[LizzyM]

I had to google what feck and fecking meant, it was a nice linguistic lesson

Don't use it as a hook!

 

[Dr. Stalker]

Are you a righty or a lefty? Based on that, rotate the proper way to get maximum damage, remember, the strength comes from the torque.

 

[boogiecousins94]

I forget where I saw this stat but someone on here said like only 10% of PS are actually memorable, the other ones are forgotten easily, and some are memorable in a bad way (cringeworthy etc.)

I think you're trying way too hard to make your PS memorable and as a result will probably fall into the cringeworthy category. I would just try to write in a clear, concise, and to the point matter instead of all this flowery language because 1) it wastes too many characters 2) I feel like whoever reads it might get annoyed and not know what the hell is going on

 

[Med Ed]

I forget where I saw this stat but someone on here said like only 10% of PS are actually memorable, the other ones are forgotten easily, and some are memorable in a bad way (cringeworthy etc.)

That was me. And it was actually ~1% that were memorable in a positive light. Not to mention all the applications that don't even make it to a secondary or interview invite.

 

[bioboy23]

I forget where I saw this stat but someone on here said like only 10% of PS are actually memorable, the other ones are forgotten easily, and some are memorable in a bad way (cringeworthy etc.)

I think you're trying way too hard to make your PS memorable and as a result will probably fall into the cringeworthy category. I would just try to write in a clear, concise, and to the point matter instead of all this flowery language because 1) it wastes too many characters 2) I feel like whoever reads it might get annoyed and not know what the hell is going on

This. You don't want your PS to be memorable unless you cured cancer or saved a village of homeless children or something. Just blend in with the 80% of "normal" personal statements then try to shine at interviews.

 

[SuaveCardigans]

They haven't read hundreds of bad hooks in succession.

Are they that common? Like ballpark percentage, ~50% or so?

 

[gyngyn]

Are they that common? Like ballpark percentage, ~50% or so?

Painfully common. If you include the hook, the quote and the "question," it's probably at least half.
I can't estimate any closer than that because I've stopped reading the first paragraph.

 

[Goro]

Are they that common? Like ballpark percentage, ~50% or so?

So common that they all gel into one.

It is a very common pre-med delusion that PS's have magic qualities that by themselves will sweep applicants into acceptance-land.

They don't.

 

[cactusman]

Painfully common. If you include the hook, the quote and the "question," it's probably at least half.
I can't estimate any closer than that because I've stopped reading the first paragraph.

By the "question," do you mean starting with any question as a hook, or people who explicitly write out "Why medicine?" before answering it?

 

[gyngyn]

By the "question," do you mean starting with any question as a hook, or people who explicitly write out "Why medicine?" before answering it?

Any question. Why medicine? Why me?...

 

[CommyO]

"You know, I've never done this before..."-Girls who have indeed done this before

I'd imagine an adcom can relate to this if he is still in the game, if you catch my drift

If anything, I think it provides a sort of comical relief to "blood gushing everywhere as I reach for the defib"

 

[Trust_The_Processs]

Just got back from a 3 hour and $300 grocery shopping trip with my in-laws. Such alarming surprises waiting for me on SDN when I got home! Everyone's always told me I have to have a hook. How is this version of the first paragraph with the first sentence hook deleted?

"I could tell from my date's exhaustion she had worked longer and harder hours than I that day. Yet to my admiration, she looked completely at ease, her comfort seeming to stem from deep-rooted satisfaction. Curious, I asked her what she did. She replied that she worked as a hospital intensivist.

Intrigued, I asked questions about her experiences with patients. I told her how I had been inspired by a doctor who used an experimental medication to slow the progression of Parkinson’s in my grandfather, whom I loved and respected..."

Buddy, I'm beginning to feel bad about the position your're in. Having followed your questions across multiple threads thus far, it seems to me that you're lost and don't know how to proceed. You mention that it was your grandfather's condition, his doctor's experimental glutathione injections were used as a treatment, and your interest in researching your grandfather's ailments that all factored into your decision to pursue medicine. Why don't you just start off with that? Something to the effect of: In 20__, I saw my grandfather's health and state of mind become devastated by Parkinson's (or whatever condition he was dealing with). Even experimental treatments failed to relieve his symptoms and improve his health. Fed up, I became interested in learning more about the disease my grandfather was suffering from, and thus my passion for medicine was born..."

I hope that helps! Just try to make it as straightforward and simple as possible! Admissions screeners are people too, and I'm sure they will not like the convoluted ways in which you have previously written your PS. As the Navy says, rely on the KISS principle, Keep It Simple, Stupid. (not that I think you're stupid...)

 

[Med Ed]

Are they that common? Like ballpark percentage, ~50% or so?

At least. Here is what many people think happens to their application:

Here is what really goes down:

 

[Prometheus123]

Yeah. There's also no doubt in my mind that the OP has a mild case of Aspergers too.

I had to google what feck and fecking meant, it was a nice linguistic lesson



With all due respect, it's not appropriate to imply that someone has a developmental disorder. That's a serious issue, and this is part of the reason why SDN has a reputation of being "toxic" and people can find it unwelcoming. I know you were most likely joking and I personally can take a joke. However I think for the best of the community there are better ways to make your opinion know!

I don't take it personally. When I was an activist, the anarchists called me much worse than that. I agree with this sentiment in general though for the sake of the community and members who may be less thick-skinned than I.

 

[Prometheus123]

That was me. And it was actually ~1% that were memorable in a positive light. Not to mention all the applications that don't even make it to a secondary or interview invite.

I forget where I saw this stat but someone on here said like only 10% of PS are actually memorable, the other ones are forgotten easily, and some are memorable in a bad way (cringeworthy etc.)

I think you're trying way too hard to make your PS memorable and as a result will probably fall into the cringeworthy category. I would just try to write in a clear, concise, and to the point matter instead of all this flowery language because 1) it wastes too many characters 2) I feel like whoever reads it might get annoyed and not know what the hell is going on

Yes, I've been writing with this MedEdism in mind. You're clearly right about the risk.

Buddy, I'm beginning to feel bad about the position your're in. Having followed your questions across multiple threads thus far, it seems to me that you're lost and don't know how to proceed. You mention that it was your grandfather's condition, his doctor's experimental glutathione injections were used as a treatment, and your interest in researching your grandfather's ailments that all factored into your decision to pursue medicine. Why don't you just start off with that? Something to the effect of: In 20__, I saw my grandfather's health and state of mind become devastated by Parkinson's (or whatever condition he was dealing with). Even experimental treatments failed to relieve his symptoms and improve his health. Fed up, I became interested in learning more about the disease my grandfather was suffering from, and thus my passion for medicine was born..."

I hope that helps! Just try to make it as straightforward and simple as possible! Admissions screeners are people too, and I'm sure they will not like the convoluted ways in which you have previously written your PS. As the Navy says, rely on the KISS principle, Keep It Simple, Stupid. (not that I think you're stupid...)

Don't worry, I asked for it. I will try to rework the opening along these lines, getting to the point faster with less fluff.

It isn't a fecking novel... or even a bloody short story.

Keep it to the point: Several years ago in Mumbai, I met a woman who worked as a hospital intensivist. This was a profession I'd never heard of and it intrigued me. As I learned more about what she did....

LizzyM, you're a fecking goddess! I'll start working with this and put it in my own words.

 

[Prometheus123]

At least. Here is what many people think happens to their application:

Here is what really goes down:

Someone should turn this into a meme.

 

[Prometheus123]

This is a fascinating and surprising discussion that I think could benefit many premeds such as myself who have been brainwashed into the cult of the hook. After this is all over, I'm going to start a nonprofit called "ADCOMS United Against Eye-Bleed-Inducing Hooks and Fluff". ;-)

I compressed that first paragraph into a single sentence and put it at the beginning of what was the second paragraph.

I stripped down the goldilocks paragraph after that about a few jobs I tried before medicine and what I liked about them that was similar to medicine and what I felt was lacking. I deleted all mention of my freelance content writing work because it wasn't necessary.

I expanded the paragraph that contains the revelatory wisdom that my date gave me (the reason for mentioning the date at all) with more of what I learned from this insight and how I grew from it. This further develops my central theme, which is compassion.

You guys are amazing. It's still nowhere near perfection, but it's so much closer than it was. More importantly, it's so much more authentic and true to me.

I'm really good at talking about the how, and usually that's rewarded. When writing the PS, however, the how is taboo. Only the why matters. It's hard for me to articulate the why because it's so deeply personal. I'm extremely thankful for all your help, advice, and honest reactions to my evolving attempts. I say this not just to those I've quoted in this post, but to the many others who have helped as well. I will look for ways to give back to the community ASAP after submitting and finalizing my school list.

x 3 for college students who still start their essays with a question.

At least. Here is what many people think happens to their application:

Here is what really goes down:

Buddy, I'm beginning to feel bad about the position your're in. Having followed your questions across multiple threads thus far, it seems to me that you're lost and don't know how to proceed. You mention that it was your grandfather's condition, his doctor's experimental glutathione injections were used as a treatment, and your interest in researching your grandfather's ailments that all factored into your decision to pursue medicine. Why don't you just start off with that? Something to the effect of: In 20__, I saw my grandfather's health and state of mind become devastated by Parkinson's (or whatever condition he was dealing with). Even experimental treatments failed to relieve his symptoms and improve his health. Fed up, I became interested in learning more about the disease my grandfather was suffering from, and thus my passion for medicine was born..."

I hope that helps! Just try to make it as straightforward and simple as possible! Admissions screeners are people too, and I'm sure they will not like the convoluted ways in which you have previously written your PS. As the Navy says, rely on the KISS principle, Keep It Simple, Stupid. (not that I think you're stupid...)

I don't recommend hooks.

OP, humor doesn't travel well across the electrons.

If you're serious, these are really good ways to get rejected by a screener.

They all made my eyes bleed!

It isn't a fecking novel... or even a bloody short story.

Keep it to the point: Several years ago in Mumbai, I met a woman who worked as a hospital intensivist. This was a profession I'd never heard of and it intrigued me. As I learned more about what she did....

Hooks are bad writing.

Want to get people's attention? Write something interesting and write it well, clearly, and concisely.

For what it's worth, it seems that quite a few of the examples in this link begin with "hooks"

https://premed.uga.edu/sites/default/files/u62/stanfordsamplestatements.pdf

My advice is to answer the question. I personally don't like reading narrative personal statements. I'm sure somebody out there can do it well, but I haven't seen it for med school apps. This anecdote about this date tells the adcom nothing about *you* or your journey to pursuing medicine other than you go on dates with doctors and had a grandfather with Parkinson's. If your grandfather's illness was an important point in your journey, just talk about it directly.

 

[Lucca]

At least. Here is what many people think happens to their application:

Here is what really goes down:

You press applications down into waffle cones and then eat them?

 

[cactusman]

You press applications down into waffle cones and then eat them?

They have to really digest the information.

 

[efle]

After reading gyngyn and LizzyM's past posts, I made my PS an extremely barebones, straightforward essay, especially at the start. Started out saying I had not always known I wanted to pursue medicine, or even been exposed to it, until recent years. Then talked in plain language about the shadowing, volunteering and research experiences I had that gave me that exposure and convinced me it was the path for me.

Starting with a hook about a nervous first date - followed, I'm sure, by a citation for a recent paper about the molecular mechanisms of blushing - is not what anyone wants!

 

[Prometheus123]

UPDATE: I submitted my AMCAS. There are no citations in it and yet it feels like the most authentic expression of who I am and why I'm pursuing medicine that I've ever written, thanks in large part to you guys and the soul-searching you helped me do. Free at last! (For a couple days.) Thank you so much again to all of you for your help. Now off to the Oregon Country Fair to give my in-laws some extreme culture shock (at their request).

 

[Med Ed]

You press applications down into waffle cones and then eat them?

Essentially, yes.

 

[Dr. Stalker]

UPDATE: I submitted my AMCAS. There are no citations in it and yet it feels like the most authentic expression of who I am and why I'm pursuing medicine that I've ever written, thanks in large part to you guys and the soul-searching you helped me do. Free at last! (For a couple days.) Thank you so much again to all of you for your help. Now off to the Oregon Country Fair to give my in-laws some extreme culture shock (at their request).

congrats! Now pre-write your secondaries and get ALL of that stuff in so you can get the interviews you deserve, friend!

 

[Matthew9Thirtyfive]

They have to really digest the information.

 

[Prometheus123]

congrats! Now pre-write your secondaries and get ALL of that stuff in so you can get the interviews you deserve, friend!

Good idea, I will when we get home. Thank you for all your help! I hope to study and work with you one day!