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- Thread starter Jamr0ckin
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At one of my jobs, I work with a cute guy. There's been a few 'moments'(you know, where one of us stares a little too long) and we are super comfortable with each other, but I don't know how I'd feel dating a co-worker. Found out he is doing his pre-reqs for med school. He's in the same boat as me, as far as paying for classes ahead of time(no loans) and sounds like we'll be applying during the same year. I feel I could relate to a med student more(or vet student in a different year than me). And they would be familiar with the time constraints and all that.
Being able to then pay off student loans faster would be a big plus!- Joined
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Okay, I've got one more . . .
How common is it for a guy to still have feelings for his "first love"? And is it ever worth pursuing such a man?
Been in that situation a few times.
How common is it for a guy to still have feelings for his "first love"? And is it ever worth pursuing such a man?
Been in that situation a few times.
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Okay, I've got one more . . .
How common is it for a guy to still have feelings for his "first love"? And is it ever worth pursuing such a man?
Been in that situation a few times.
It's odd that you mention this. My high school sweetheart and I broke up the first year of college and we would date other people then come back to each other. Though we never formally got back together it took a toll on both of us. On my birthday a couple days ago he send me a message saying happy birthday, hope that things are going good for you. Super strange considering we haven't spoken in 3ish years. I responded with thanks, hope life is treating you well. Happy holidays.
What's that about?? He knows I'm married
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It's odd that you mention this. My high school sweetheart and I broke up the first year of college and we would date other people then come back to each other. Though we never formally got back together it took a toll on both of us. On my birthday a couple days ago he send me a message saying happy birthday, hope that things are going good for you. Super strange considering we haven't spoken in 3ish years. I responded with thanks, hope life is treating you well. Happy holidays.
What's that about?? He knows I'm married
He probably thought of you and wanted to wish you well. I don't think it has to be any more complicated than that.
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I wouldn't want to date another vet student student of any year, and probably not a doctor either. Too similar, blech. I'll take my guy with the already established, paying job, thank you very much
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It's odd that you mention this. My high school sweetheart and I broke up the first year of college and we would date other people then come back to each other. Though we never formally got back together it took a toll on both of us. On my birthday a couple days ago he send me a message saying happy birthday, hope that things are going good for you. Super strange considering we haven't spoken in 3ish years. I responded with thanks, hope life is treating you well. Happy holidays.
What's that about?? He knows I'm married
Drunk.
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This. That you read in to it as "I still have romantic feelings for you." says you still have a bond to him too. None of it means you're going to leave your marriage or that he wants you too. It's like having an old friend you haven't seen in years. Some times you just want to say "hey, I thought of you today, we had some good times, huh. Well, that's all, talk to you in another year or two"
Now if he sent you a text on your birthday and then another one a week later/kept texting and trying to get back in your life in a big way, then there would be warning bells.
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Okay, I've got one more . . .
How common is it for a guy to still have feelings for his "first love"? And is it ever worth pursuing such a man?
Been in that situation a few times.
Depends on the feelings. I still have feelings (though mostly of shame these days) over my first real love. Every once in a while I feel a twinge for an old flame even though I'm happy with my BF. I would never want to get back with them though, and the feeling passes.
If he's actively pursuing the first love still and she's either encouraging enough to keep him wrapped around her finger or unable to be honest with him about moving on because she likes feeling desired, then stay away. If he isn't emotionally available it isn't good enough for you.
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This is exactly how I feel about my first love that I was talking about above. Given our history I don't want him in my life and I think I felt like him sending me a birthday message after having not spoken for 3 years was opening a door I don't want opened. He will always have a special place in my heart but we were/are wrong for each other. Every so often he'll pop up in a dream or something and for a day I feel that "twinge" then my rationality comes back
This is exactly how I feel about my first love that I was talking about above. Given our history I don't want him in my life and I think I felt like him sending me a birthday message after having not spoken for 3 years was opening a door I don't want opened. He will always have a special place in my heart but we were/are wrong for each other. Every so often he'll pop up in a dream or something and for a day I feel that "twinge" then my rationality comes back
I just want share that this current topic has helped me feel a lot better! I am currently in a great relationship, but sometimes when I see a certain person from my past I get a weird feeling inside, and I second guess myself for a little while until I come back to reality. This person and I are not a match and being together would be an epic, soap-opera level of destruction of everything I have worked hard for in my life. It's good to know that other people in committed relationships also have these moments outside reason. Thanks, keep sharing please!
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I just want share that this current topic has helped me feel a lot better! I am currently in a great relationship, but sometimes when I see a certain person from my past I get a weird feeling inside, and I second guess myself for a little while until I come back to reality. This person and I are not a match and being together would be an epic, soap-opera level of destruction of everything I have worked hard for in my life. It's good to know that other people in committed relationships also have these moments outside reason. Thanks, keep sharing please!
I'm pretty certain everyone has feelings like this every so often ... Right??
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Hearing this all also makes me feel a little better and not alone. I definitely still have some attachment to the first guy I ever loved and dated, but since he's the one in England, I just can't really rationalize holding onto to those feelings, or at least letting them get in the way. I do sometimes feel guilty about it, because it just makes me feel like a bad person or that I'm hiding something,and I definitely don't want to hurt the current bf over something like this since I really care for him as well.
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My best vet school friend went to my high school but we never knew each other till this fall. Turns out she used to be obsessed with my boyfriend in high school
Anyways I don't think about him often, but when I do I get the feelings rush back and I start to second guess myself. But I try to remember that I still have feelings for the person he was then and I have no idea what he's even like today. My BF and I are doing better than ever and I now he's the guy that makes me happy.
Anyways I don't think about him often, but when I do I get the feelings rush back and I start to second guess myself. But I try to remember that I still have feelings for the person he was then and I have no idea what he's even like today. My BF and I are doing better than ever and I now he's the guy that makes me happy.
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My high school sweetheart that I dated for 6 years just recently got married. We are definitely not compatible to be life partners esp with future children in the picture. I am super happy for him, but a little part of me did feel a little sentimental/sad that I'm not forever going to be the center of his universe (maybe that makes me a horrible person). Last I heard anything about him, it was a couple years ago and my friend randomly bumped into him in Boston of all places (he's from CA). When she asked him what he was doing, he replied that he was in town interviewing for grad school, and that he was just sitting there reminiscing about me. That made me really sad at the time, but now that he's happily married... it's like, "hey what happened to that?" lol.
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And here I am thinking I just have a hard time moving on It's good to know others feel the same about their past relationships sometimes. There's definitely something about "the first"...
It's good to know others feel the same about their past relationships sometimes. There's definitely something about "the first"...
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I am legit can-be-friends-with-absolutely-no-weird-feelings-or-twinges over every guy I've ever dated in the past. But then again, I'd venture to guess that I am more of an emotional stonewall than most of the dudes who are talking about how dudes are emotional stonewalls.
Also if I say nothing's wrong it means nothing's wrong. If I say f off and go away it means something's wrong but you are just going to annoy me more by asking about it and you should really take that advice before it escalates, and I'll probably just get over it and forget about it in an hour or two anyhow.
Also if I say nothing's wrong it means nothing's wrong. If I say f off and go away it means something's wrong but you are just going to annoy me more by asking about it and you should really take that advice before it escalates, and I'll probably just get over it and forget about it in an hour or two anyhow.
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And here I am thinking I just have a hard time moving on
There is definitely something about the first, no doubt about it!
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All this is making me feel a little bit better. My concern is that my current bf still seems to have feelings for the girl he dated in high school. They never really broke up, his family moved away and that's the only reason they stopped dating, so I feel like there was never any real closure in their relationship. They are still best friends and talk all the time on Facebook, skype, text, etc. I think he really holds her as the standard that he measures all his other girlfriends against, but since they hardly ever see each other any more I think he's really putting her on a pedestal and it's impossible to compete with that. I *think* she has told him that she doesn't want a relationship with him, at least not right now, but I did hear him say once that he would "die of happiness" if she wanted to be with him again.
They live 3,000 miles apart and are both in relationships with other people so I'm not particularly worried about anything happening between them. But I just can't help but think the only reason he's with me is that he can't be with her. If timing and distance weren't such a factor, I don't think he'd give me a second glance.
Then again, I do tend to get insecure in relationships sometimes, so maybe I'm just making mountains out of molehills here.
(He's going to kill me if he sees this post!
This (for me at least) falls in to that second category. He'd die of happiness? yeah. He's got some issues there. They may not necessarily be as bad as dropping you in a hot minute if she wanted him back. They might just be that he doesn't understand what he's doing to you by portraying his relationship with her the way he does.
How serious are you guys? If you are casual dating/open dating/anything of that sort, then he's not being dishonest with you. If you two are exclusive and thinking about making it more serious... then you have the right to call him to the carpet on this. And I don't mean bitching him out. I mean having a serious and honest discussion about it. Tell him how you feel about him, and how you're unsure about how he feels about you because of his constant contact with an old flame who he never really finalized things with. Tell him he needs to be able to invest his feelings in you and your relationship fully. You deserve that. Tell him your fears that he is in a holding pattern and waiting for her to be ready. If he says he is, and that's not where you are (aka, you want the chance at something serious from any partner) tell him that. Tell him you deserve to be someone's pedestal girl and if he can't see you as that you two can't be serious or a couple.
If he says he is serious about you, tell him you feel mighty uncomfortable about the amount of attention and energy he shows her. If he's serious he should know to reduce the time he spends skyping/tweeting/whatever with her. Be flexible, if they are friends, that's fine but he needs to know where he sleeps too. That "die of happiness" ish needs to stop, as does the comparing you or any girl to her.
I'm not trying to sway you in either direction, it's your relationship, and I wish you nothing but happiness.
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You deserve someone that is head over heals for you and wouldn't drop you in a hot minute if his ex was suddenly available and wanted him. And it's unfair of him to compare you or any girl he dates to his ex. I think a serious conversation is definitely in order.
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My bf was with someone like that. He was trying to get over me partially but also really liked her. I wasn't ready for a relationship, but when I said I was and wanted to try something with him, he broke up with her and got together with me.
I would have never told that to someone in a good relationship. But I knew (she's said it) that she would break up with him if her ex tool her back. My bf didn't deserve that, which is why I did what I did. I didn't want his heart to be broken that way.
And yours shouldn't be either just because he's not over her. He needs to be honest and you need to realize what's important.
I would have never told that to someone in a good relationship. But I knew (she's said it) that she would break up with him if her ex tool her back. My bf didn't deserve that, which is why I did what I did. I didn't want his heart to be broken that way.
And yours shouldn't be either just because he's not over her. He needs to be honest and you need to realize what's important.
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She's back with her ex now so it would have happened eventually.
Like I said, I'd never mess with a good working relationship, but this just wasn't one of those.
And we're engaged. So happy for us too.
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She's back with her ex now so it would have happened eventually.
Like I said, I'd never mess with a good working relationship, but this just wasn't one of those.
And we're engaged. So happy for us too.
Sorry, my comment was meant for BlackDog. Guess we posted at the same time. I think he's making you look like a fool, blackdog.
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Yup, this is me. Probably one of the biggest keys to success in my relationship- I tell him what I feel when I feel it and we deal with it. None of this sulking, "nothing/it's fine" business- that just sets your SO up for failure. I'm not really a stereotypical girl...
Blackdog, not cool :\ I think you need to talk to him about this girl- in my experience, good things do not come of that kind of behavior.
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One of the many words of wisdom that my mother has given me regarding relationships is to never ask/talk about previous relationships. Because you're always going to comparing yourself to "the other girl(s)" and he's always going to be comparing himself to "the other boy(s)". No matter how much you/he tries not to. My mother even became friends with my dad's ex-wife, but she says they've never discussed her in terms of what their relationship was like.
In my limited repertoire of relationships, I think that's true. Even a phrase or sentence about "my ex used to do/not do xyz" makes me start comparing myself to her. Even though I'm secure in the relationship. Even when I know it doesn't matter and he's with ME now. Just knowing that little factoid makes me start thinking about their relationship and how he was with someone different. I think a relationship should be about the two people actually involved in the relationship. No need to involve anyone else. =P
In my limited repertoire of relationships, I think that's true. Even a phrase or sentence about "my ex used to do/not do xyz" makes me start comparing myself to her. Even though I'm secure in the relationship. Even when I know it doesn't matter and he's with ME now. Just knowing that little factoid makes me start thinking about their relationship and how he was with someone different. I think a relationship should be about the two people actually involved in the relationship. No need to involve anyone else. =P
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I definitely agree with this and try not to do it, but I know it happens occasionally. I try to avoid doing it since I know how much it sucks to hear about the exes. My last bf before this wasn't over his ex and she was constantly being brought up. I did my best to let it go because I knew he was still working things out and I know I talked about my first ex a lot when we first broke up so I thought I was being supportive. However, I realized afterwards how it made me act so differently around him. I just felt so inadequate that I shut down a lot of the time and just wasn't myself and I really notice that now that I'm with my current bf.
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I agree with that too. Generally the less I know about a boyfriend's previous relationships, the better. But in this situation it has gotten complicated since she's still his best friend and they're in constant contact. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I can't help feeling like I'm the second choice.
I know I wouldn't be comfortable with my husband being best friends with an ex he was serious with. I could case less if he has female friends but if there's a history there it would make me feel uncomfortable.
And on the flip side I would feel very guilty if I were best friends with my most serious relationship before him (my first love). My first love will always have a special place in my heart but I feel having him in my life in any way, shape, or form would make me not be as emotionally invested in my husband (if that makes sense). So in my mind I feel like I would be emotionally cheating.
In my case I don't talk to any ex's. I am FB friends with them but we don't ever talk (with the exception of the super random birthday message recently). My husband doesn't talk to any of his ex's either. I like it this way because there's no room for any jealousy, comparison, questioning motives, etc.
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See, I'm weird in that I talk to both of my exes. Not daily but at least a couple times a month. The one that is my first love, we don't talk as frequently because I think it's still hard on both of us. But I don't think I could ever cut him out entirely because we didn't have a messy breakup. We broke up because I live her and he lives in the UK and neither of us wanted to put the pressure of a LDR on the other, when we knew we wouldn't be able to see each other due to finances. Plus, he was a bit younger than me, so I didn't want to prevent him from doing anything he might want to do while in school.
The more recent ex and I were never that serious, so I don't really see an issue with it. Honestly, our entire relationship was kind of more of a friends with benefits thing when I look back so it makes the transition into being friends easy again. Except for the bit where he was a bit of an ass hole.
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I imagine what works varies from person-to-person. The only ex I would want to talk to is my first love but I know that would put me in a bad position. There's no way I would want to sacrifice my relationship with my husband or bring bad ju-ju into our marriage just so I could be friends with my first love
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I imagine what works varies from person-to-person. The only ex I would want to talk to is my first love but I know that would put me in a bad position. There's no way I would want to sacrifice my relationship with my husband or bring bad ju-ju into our marriage just so I could be friends with my first love
That's totally understandable and I agree that it varies by person. I don't really know if I'd be able to talk to my first love ex if he lived in the States. I think the fact that an ocean separates us makes it easier since there is a good chance I'm not actually ever going to see him again.
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It isn't controlling to tell him how it makes you feel. I'm not saying you tell him to cut her off. I'm saying if you make it plain that it makes you feel insecure in the relationship because you know of their history, if he wants to be serious with you he should be able to figure out on his own that he needs to take the contact level with her down a notch. You are not being a controlling GF by asserting your priority as GF, just like he is your #1 guy.
Be honest about the second part too. So much is fluid and unclear during application season that it is important to you to know where you two stand. He should be able to give you an answer.
I know we as women are excellent at worrying and nagging fears from comments can leave us strung out. The only way you are going to resolve this is an honest discussion. And then you need to stop FB stalking for the purpose of stalking. Give him your trust, and if he abuses it you will have your decision. Severe scrutiny can lead to misunderstandings and that perceived control thing.
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I get frustrated with the "men do this and women do that" generalizations. I think all the mystery would go away if we just treated people as individuals and talked about stuff that needed to be talked about, and let everything else go. Not to mention that gender is not nearly so simple as it's made out to be.
(This is not in reference to blackdog's situation at all, but to the ensuing comments)
For what it's worth, my girlfriend is best friends with her ex of a few years ago (there was a period of no contact to switch gears post breakup) and her ex and I get along great... I consider her a close friend. There isn't anything romantic between them anymore, but they salvaged everything good about their relationship and turned it into a kickass friendship. I think it's another example of a situation where generalizations about relationships are unhelpful and it makes more sense to focus on the people involved and what works for them versus what's "normal."
Anyway, that's my soapbox for the night.
(This is not in reference to blackdog's situation at all, but to the ensuing comments)
For what it's worth, my girlfriend is best friends with her ex of a few years ago (there was a period of no contact to switch gears post breakup) and her ex and I get along great... I consider her a close friend. There isn't anything romantic between them anymore, but they salvaged everything good about their relationship and turned it into a kickass friendship. I think it's another example of a situation where generalizations about relationships are unhelpful and it makes more sense to focus on the people involved and what works for them versus what's "normal."
Anyway, that's my soapbox for the night.
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I'm also great friends with my SO's ex and it works because they have absolutely NO feelings for each other. She is now married to one of his best friends (they all went to highschool together) and they are our #1 couple we hang out with. I have no problem and no jealousy because there is nothing between them. When there is clearly something still between your SO and their ex, that's when it becomes a problem!
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I'm sorry, maybe I'm blind but I don't see too many of those generalizations. I see one comment by me about "we as women" FB stalking. Which I made from personal experience. But generally I see a reasoned discussion that could have all the pronouns neutered or flipped and it would still be solid advice. I certainly don't see us pulling the "well you know, guys/ girls are this way..." ****e.
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Fair enough, I wasn't really following the thread until this most recent discussion. No hard feels
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I've never been in a situation like either of these before ... but it sounds like in some situations it can work
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Communication is the magic key. Also, on a completely unrelated note: nine days until I see my SO after almost ten weeks!
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Also, on a completely unrelated note: nine days until I see my SO after almost ten weeks!
Yay yay yay!!!!
6 days till I see my husband after 6 months of deployment (though I did get to visit him in early October)
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Yay yay yay!!!!
6 days till I see my husband after 6 months of deployment (though I did get to visit him in early October)
Awesome! 3 weeks until I'm at a ski resort with my love
Our room has a fireplace and jacuzzi in it!
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Awesome! 3 weeks until I'm at a ski resort with my love
Our room has a fireplace and jacuzzi in it!
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Oh man, I need some advice (or just general hand holding).
I'm a non-trad applicant. Married. And my husband just decided that instead of finishing up his education degree he wants to pursue History and get his PhD. The "plan" was that he would support us while I was at vet school and now... the plan is no more. We both have some student loan debt from our undergrads (although I am not someone who is extremely wary of borrowing more - I'd rather we both have jobs we love, even if it means being poor) so we're going to have to juggle that while we're both in school again at the same time. Thankfully, unlike vet school, it seems like most PhD programs are funded (+stipend) so as long as he could get into one, cost for him wouldn't be a huge problem. The biggest problem will be paying the undergrad student loans while we're both in grad school (his loans are private so they don't go into deferment if you're back in school. Major suckage.).
I'm not sure what my question here is, but general advice would be appreciated. I'm a planner, complete with spreadsheets and lists, so now that the plan is gone I'm feeling extreeeeemely anxious.
Have you expressed these concerns to him?
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Oh definitely. And I'm sure we'll talk about it ad infinitum over the next few months. I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else was in the same boat.
