Dating a neurosurg resident?

[greenalmonds]

Hi everyone,


New to the forum here, so first, hi and thanks for any advice.

I’m currently dating a third year neurosurgery resident. Having seen his schedule, I can really try and understand/appreciate whatever time he can make for me. This usually consists of me going to his place or vice versa and him falling asleep ha!

My boyfriend is a little older at 32, and he made his goals very clear to me on our first date, ie he’s looking for marriage, children, staying in this current city. Since then we’ve been seeing each other maybe 2-3 times a week (him falling asleep), and I am kind of okay with this sort of non-traditional dating.

So I am wondering if any of you have experience dating a surgical/neurosurg resident? I know his hours are demanding, but it seems that he moved very quickly to lock me down and now does the bare minimum..we have talked about this before and he says he’ll try to communicate better but he hardly checks in. Plans are always last minute if there are any. He never refuses to talk if I ask, and he is always kind and patient to me and I get that I’ll always be on the backburner so to speak..but any advice?

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[AdmiralChz]

Hi everyone,


New to the forum here, so first, hi and thanks for any advice.

I’m currently dating a third year neurosurgery resident. Having seen his schedule, I can really try and understand/appreciate whatever time he can make for me. This usually consists of me going to his place or vice versa and him falling asleep ha!

My boyfriend is a little older at 32, and he made his goals very clear to me on our first date, ie he’s looking for marriage, children, staying in this current city. Since then we’ve been seeing each other maybe 2-3 times a week (him falling asleep), and I am kind of okay with this sort of non-traditional dating.

So I am wondering if any of you have experience dating a surgical/neurosurg resident? I know his hours are demanding, but it seems that he moved very quickly to lock me down and now does the bare minimum..we have talked about this before and he says he’ll try to communicate better but he hardly checks in. Plans are always last minute if there are any. He never refuses to talk if I ask, and he is always kind and patient to me and I get that I’ll always be on the backburner so to speak..but any advice?

You might say this is "kind of OK" but reading between the lines here, I think you are more than a little bothered by it. It is fine to feel that way, you absolutely deserve attention too just because you date a doctor doesn't mean you should have an absentee SO/spouse/whatevs.

You need to be honest with yourself about what kind of future you see with this person, and what would be acceptable for you going forward long-term in terms of dedication to you and your (future) family. Have an real chat about this, before you rush into marriage. I had this talk very early with my wife about this. Being an anesthesiologist I definitely don't work as much as most surgeons, but now that we have a kid I usually depart before my daughter wakes up and on late days get home after she's down for the night (3 months old). But there is compromise - if I get home early, I help out around the apartment, I take the baby for a walk, feed her a bottle, just spend time being a father as much as possible. I still do easy things like cook dinner when I can, take her (and the baby ) out for a reasonable meal once a week and sit and watch a TV show before we head to bed. Relationships are all about compromise, but it is important that you still feel valued and appreciated. I am so fortunate to have a loving, understanding wife who is an amazing mother and I do everything I can to let her know that.

If you don't like the answer you get when you have an honest discussion (e.g. "being a resident is tons of work" "I'm tired all the time"), trust me just because one finishes residency doesn't mean that your hours go down to 30 a week with 3 months of vacation. His first job may force him to take more call and take more undesirable calls as he is the "new guy" - more time away from the house. Stuff to keep in mind going forward.

 

[gutonc]

Moving thread to Spouses and Partners.

 

[J ROD]

no matter the demand. Nobody should ever put baby in the corner. It sounds like you are not truly happy with this arrangement and trying to talk yourself into it. I bet he is able to stay awake for sex.....

 

[prettylittlebird]

What do you like about this guy that makes you feel like you should stick around? You say he's already locked you down but is that what you want? I think it's perfectly reasonable to want someone who will spend time and energy getting to know you and investing in the relationship. When he has free time does he spend it making plans with you or trying to see you? Even if you two aren't actually going out on traditional dates making an effort to interact is important. Just because he's a resident doesn't mean that you have to settle for someone who puts you on the backburner. There are plenty of wonderful men in medicine and outside of medicine who will make their relationship a priority if that's what you want (and I mean, who doesn't want that?!)