Discouraging boyfriend?

[bme94]

Hi,

I'm in need of some serious advice. I am a pre-med major planning to take my MCAT during the summer and apply this cycle. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. He's not a pre-med major. Everything was fine when I only had school to concentrate on. As soon as I started getting involved in research positions and volunteering, the relationship went downhill. He was always (and still is) getting upset/angry with me for how much I study. I do study a lot, but I don't know if it's any more than what the normal pre-med student would do.

He tells me I study way too much, and that he should be my number one priority because that's what decent human beings do - put significant others first before their schoolwork/career. I told him I'm trying to do as best as I can to balance him and schoolwork, and that medical school is my dream. He told me I'm not doing very good job, and there are tons of pre-med students that successfully balance school and relationships (I'm sure there are, but he really doesn't "know" anyone specifically). He gets super angry and has shouted at me before because we only see each other for two days a week, maybe for 4-5 hours at time. This a lot of time for me, and stresses me out. There was even one time where I was late to a date because I taking a 7 hour MCAT practice exam, and he got super angry and told me to not even bother showing up.

I've tried to get him to come to the library with me but he refuses, and that's it not quality time together. He's also hinted numerous times before that he'd rather I do something easier like optometry, so I'd have more time for him. He also tells me I'm wasting my life away studying...but I don't really mind studying so much.

What do I do? Has anyone else been in a stressful situation like this? Thanks.

Wow, thank you so much for your advice everyone. I've tried breaking up with him before - but he ended up convincing me that I would have plenty of time to study and date him.

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[Toutie]

Hi,

I'm in need of some serious advice. I am a pre-med major planning to take my MCAT during the summer and apply this cycle. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. He's not a pre-med major. Everything was fine when I only had school to concentrate on. As soon as I started getting involved in research positions and volunteering, the relationship went downhill. He was always (and still is) getting upset/angry with me for how much I study. I do study a lot, but I don't know if it's any more than what the normal pre-med student would do.

He tells me I study way too much, and that he should be my number one priority because that's what decent human beings do - put significant others first before their schoolwork/career. I told him I'm trying to do as best as I can to balance him and schoolwork, and that medical school is my dream. He told me I'm not doing very good job, and there are tons of pre-med students that successfully balance school and relationships (I'm sure there are, but he really doesn't "know" anyone specifically). He gets super angry and has shouted at me before because we only see each other for two days a week, maybe for 4-5 hours at time. This a lot of time for me, and stresses me out. There was even one time where I was late to a date because I taking a 7 hour MCAT practice exam, and he got super angry and told me to not even bother showing up.

I've tried to get him to come to the library with me but he refuses, and that's it not quality time together. He's also hinted numerous times before that he'd rather I do something easier like optometry, so I'd have more time for him. He also tells me I'm wasting my life away studying...but I don't really mind studying so much.

What do I do? Has anyone else been in a stressful situation like this? Thanks.

RUN!

 

[gyngyn]

Dump him. Stat.

 

[FindMeOnTheLinks]

Sounds like a jerk. He should be supportive of your aspirations. Maybe try to explain to him that this is a crucial period in your academic career and he needs to be more understanding of your situation. Especially since he's not on the premed track himself, he needs to get more perspective on how this actually works. And does he know that this will only get 10x worse once you are actually in medical school?


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[AvacadosAtLaw]

Ditch him immediately. You should never be with someone who doesn't respect your own needs and ambitions.


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[atomi]

Cut bait now before it's too late. You're presumably young. There is no reason to put up with anything like that when you're young. When you're 40 with kids you work out sh|t like that. When you're 20, there's no excuse for tying yourself down to something that is not enjoyable. Med school is easier when you show up without baggage. There will plenty of opportunities to date in med school and find somebody else later when you are more settled.

 

[yeasureyoubetcha]

Everything everyone else said. If he isn't supporting your aspirations, he's not worth your free time

 

[rednote]

He seems very insecure and unsupportive. Healthy relationship is co-dependent where each partner relies on others but also allows their SO to pursue their dreams. He wanting for you to sacrifice your goals just to be dependent on him seems very immature... seriously wtf???? It should be the opposite, he should give you time and encourage you to study harder and he himself should be a healthy support not a burden and discouragement. Honestly, you set your boundary and you feel happy with two 4-5 hour week, that's pretty standard imo. If he can't respect your boundaries and becomes angry at you it screams of potential (or it already is) controlling and abusive relationship. RUN. Seriously, dump him. If he isn't compatible with your lifestyle right now he is DEFINITELY not going to be compatible with you when you get in to medical school and forward.

 

[eteshoe]

F*** him. You do you.

 

[Lucca]

Aaaaaand he gone! Seriously.

 

[atomi]

Healthy relationship is co-dependent where each partner relies on others but also allows their SO to pursue their dreams.

Close, but not quite. A healthy relationship is where either partner would sacrifice anything for the other partner. But the other partner doesn't let them. Note that this only applies to older, mature, long-term relationships. In your youth and in new relationships, you have to put yourself first.

 

[rocklobstr]

Don't let him hold you back

 

[Saifa]

Bet he's some sort of business major.

Some sexist a$$ BS. "Women can't be more successful than me ((((("

 

[Lucca]

I'm a big proponent of being young and selfish. This world is too hard for young people right now. Have to hit the ground running. The people that understand will stick around.

 

[GreenScrubss]

Just to add another voice....I would end it.

Sounds kinda of like he is manipulating (I apologize if I'm reading too much into it)

In my personal experiences, someone who likes to manipulate ppl only gets worse as time goes on.

 

[weanprednisone]

Dump him STAT!!!
If he can't even be supportive during your pre-med years, how is he going to be supportive when you're in residency?
He doesn't sound like the one, you can do better. A SO should be supportive of your dreams and not bring you down.

 

[deleted407021]

A few things :

If you are stressed out by being around him, think about what that means and how such a person fits into your support network.

You don't deserve to be talked to like that. Regardless of the legitimacy of his feelings, or lack thereof, he's not being respectful or mature. Is that going to help you develop the strong relationship foundation you'll need for MCAT prep, applications and other stressful endeavors?

You must invest in yourself. When it comes down to it, you have to look out for #1 and that means being able to make a way for yourself in the world, because you might find yourself in a position where you only have yourself. Invest in your education and prioritize the rest of your life.

Think about how he feels. This could be him expressing his frustration about not being in the kind of relationship that will make him happy. He very well may need more attention than you're able or willing to give. Are you compatible? His treating you badly and asking you to sacrifice your career interests is not really excusable, but it may be a sign that y'all want different things in a relationship.

If you ever feel abused in any way, even verbally, that's a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. That's not in any way your fault. Seek help from friends, family and counsellors and break off that relationship, if that's indeed what's happening.

Make the right decision for you. Best of luck with everything.

 

[addison_mont]

To hell with him. Study hard, do what you love and don't let him hinder your success. You got this!!!

 

[Saifa]

Sounds kinda of like he is manipulating (I apologize if I'm reading too much into it)

In my personal experiences, someone who likes to manipulate ppl only gets worse as time goes on.

Aren't DOs just the worst?

 

[bme94]

Sounds like a jerk. He should be supportive of your aspirations. Maybe try to explain to him that this is a crucial period in your academic career and he needs to be more understanding of your situation. Especially since he's not on the premed track himself, he needs to get more perspective on how this actually works. And does he know that this will only get 10x worse once you are actually in medical school?


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He's on the farthest thing from the pre-med track. He's in a major where he barely gets exams (he'll maybe get a take home exam every once in a while and some projects).

 

[TehTeddy]

He gets super angry and has shouted at me before because we only see each other for two days a week, maybe for 4-5 hours at time.

I think you're getting a general sense of what people here think already, but if it helps, I think two days a week for 4-5 hrs is more than reasonable. I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years, and we see each other once a week for that time (during the semester, I mean).

He sounds very needy/clingy and insecure. There's also a clear disconnect between how career focused each of you are. If he's complaining about this, imagine being in medical school, having to work even harder or longer. Expect to come home to this:

 

[bme94]

He seems very insecure and unsupportive. Healthy relationship is co-dependent where each partner relies on others but also allows their SO to pursue their dreams. He wanting for you to sacrifice your goals just to be dependent on him seems very immature... seriously wtf???? It should be the opposite, he should give you time and encourage you to study harder and he himself should be a healthy support not a burden and discouragement. Honestly, you set your boundary and you feel happy with two 4-5 hour week, that's pretty standard imo. If he can't respect your boundaries and becomes angry at you it screams of potential (or it already is) controlling and abusive relationship. RUN. Seriously, dump him. If he isn't compatible with your lifestyle right now he is DEFINITELY not going to be compatible with you when you get in to medical school and forward.

Yes, I have set my boundary to 4-5 hours a week to physically seeing him. There's also our skype sessions sometimes on the days we don't see each other. Those last for about an hour or so. And thank you, I completely agree with you

 

[bme94]

I think you're getting a general sense of what people here think already, but if it helps, I think two days a week for 4-5 hrs is more than reasonable. I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years, and we see each other once a week for that time (during the semester, I mean).

He sounds very needy/clingy and insecure. Imagine how it's going to be when you're in medical school, having to work even harder or longer. Expect to come home to this:

I know this is supposed to be serious topic, but I couldn't help but burst out laughing at this. I'd be terrified if it ever came to this! I'm glad to know the time I spend with him is reasonable. He tells me all the time that other couples spend way more time together, and that it's usually 3 days a week.

 

[bme94]

A few things :

If you are stressed out by being around him, think about what that means and how such a person fits into your support network.

You don't deserve to be talked to like that. Regardless of the legitimacy of his feelings, or lack thereof, he's not being respectful or mature. Is that going to help you develop the strong relationship foundation you'll need for MCAT prep, applications and other stressful endeavors?

You must invest in yourself. When it comes down to it, you have to look out for #1 and that means being able to make a way for yourself in the world, because you might find yourself in a position where you only have yourself. Invest in your education and prioritize the rest of your life.

Think about how he feels. This could be him expressing his frustration about not being in the kind of relationship that will make him happy. He very well may need more attention than you're able or willing to give. Are you compatible? His treating you badly and asking you to sacrifice your career interests is not really excusable, but it may be a sign that y'all want different things in a relationship.

If you ever feel abused in any way, even verbally, that's a sign of a dysfunctional relationship. That's not in any way your fault. Seek help from friends, family and counsellors and break off that relationship, if that's indeed what's happening.

Make the right decision for you. Best of luck with everything.

I appreciate your advice. I've called him out on being manipulative/emotionally abusive, but he always just chuckles or rolls his eyes and says, "Yeah, okay, right I'm abusive."

 

[TehTeddy]

I know this is supposed to be serious topic, but I couldn't help but burst out laughing at this. I'd be terrified if it ever came to this! I'm glad to know the time I spend with him is reasonable. He tells me all the time that other couples spend way more time together, and that it's usually 3 days a week.

Not really sure about what other couples do, but I think part of why it works for us is that we're both very career/academically focused (she's not in science btw), and it's understood that less time together, say, during the semester, does not mean that we care less. It seems like your bf is taking it personally, when in reality it has nothing to do with him (from what I understand).

 

[Neutropix]

Bet he's some sort of business major.

Some sexist a$$ BS. "Women can't be more successful than me ((((("

What's wrong with that?

 

[Neutropix]

I appreciate your advice. I've called him out on being manipulative/emotionally abusive, but he always just chuckles or rolls his eyes and says, "Yeah, okay, right I'm abusive."

He sounds like my ex who I'm convinced had a literal heart of coal. Dump him and run. Never look back.

 

[Neutropix]

OP, hehe. Do me a favor.. Don't wear that outfit again.

 

[GenghisKant]

I'll only be repeating what everyone else has echoed.

Perhaps a contrast example may be in order:

When I had to study late at college last week, my fiance turned up - with coffee and food. If he doesn't support your studies, with his eyes on the long term - he's not someone you need in your life.

 

[neekzg]

This guy sounds toxic--your SO should be supportive of your ambitions. It'll be hard at first, but you're better off dumping sooner than later. I'd suggest before you start studying for the MCAT. continuing this relationship into your study period will only cause more stress and likely make your score take a hit.

 

[cke11]

Hi,

I'm in need of some serious advice. I am a pre-med major planning to take my MCAT during the summer and apply this cycle. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. He's not a pre-med major. Everything was fine when I only had school to concentrate on. As soon as I started getting involved in research positions and volunteering, the relationship went downhill. He was always (and still is) getting upset/angry with me for how much I study. I do study a lot, but I don't know if it's any more than what the normal pre-med student would do.

He tells me I study way too much, and that he should be my number one priority because that's what decent human beings do - put significant others first before their schoolwork/career. I told him I'm trying to do as best as I can to balance him and schoolwork, and that medical school is my dream. He told me I'm not doing very good job, and there are tons of pre-med students that successfully balance school and relationships (I'm sure there are, but he really doesn't "know" anyone specifically). He gets super angry and has shouted at me before because we only see each other for two days a week, maybe for 4-5 hours at time. This a lot of time for me, and stresses me out. There was even one time where I was late to a date because I taking a 7 hour MCAT practice exam, and he got super angry and told me to not even bother showing up.

I've tried to get him to come to the library with me but he refuses, and that's it not quality time together. He's also hinted numerous times before that he'd rather I do something easier like optometry, so I'd have more time for him. He also tells me I'm wasting my life away studying...but I don't really mind studying so much.

What do I do? Has anyone else been in a stressful situation like this? Thanks.

Wow, thank you so much for your advice everyone. I've tried breaking up with him before - but he ended up convincing me that I would have plenty of time to study and date him.

I have a girlfriend of 2 and a half years (non-premed) and she has been incredibly supportive of everything I've had to go through. I completely understand how they can be upset, but this guy seems a little too emotional. I am completely supportive of wherever her career path takes her and she supports anywhere, I hopefully, end up for medical school. If she got her dream job in NY and I was staying at home, I would 100% tell her to take it and she would do the same with me regarding my dream med school. Don't be with someone that doesn't support your future endeavors, there's PLENTY of fish in the sea.

 

[msavvy]

As hard as it is to do, please listen to all the advice that's been already said... dump him!

 

[atomi]

Bet he's some sort of business major.

Some sexist a$$ BS. "Women can't be more successful than me ((((("

Oh stop with the gender-baiting. The exact same thing happens the other way around all the time.

 

[Dro133]

Funny how everyone in this thread is portraying this guy as if he's some evil, heartless jerk.

OP, your main goal is to become a physician -- this is what you value. From the sound of it, your boyfriend values spending a significant amount of time with his SO. Thus, your values do not seem to be compatible, and if it is an issue at this early stage in your career, it will likely only get worse. This doesn't make him a jerk, or an a-hole -- you guys simply seem incompatible.

I know this may not register with most pre-meds, but to a lot of people, OP would look like the jerk here. Sorry, but it's true. Showing up late to a date, not making time to spend with your SO, suggesting going to the library together as a way to spend more time together...it's no wonder people find it so hard to date medical students/residents/doctors. Now I'm not saying that OP is a jerk, but she's not any more innocent than he is; it's all about which side of the fence you're on. This simply sounds like a case of two people who value different things, and thus, are incompatible. End it.

 

[atomi]

It'll be hard at first, but you're better off dumping sooner than later.

Doesn't work like that, if relationship is continued while still pursuing medicine, he'll be the one doing the dumping. But most likely after she turns down great acceptances to take one of her last picks to be closer to him. Of if she decides to bail on medicine to marry him, they get engaged and she finds out he's cheating. Or at least that's usually how these things usually play out. </pessimist>

 

[Flickan]

Every relationship is different. But I think your boyfriend is being childish, it just sounds so high school. You need to find somebody who will support you and your dreams not some one who will whine and tear you down. I have midterms for 3 classes coming up. I haven't seen my boyfriend for almost a week and half. We talk on the phone sometimes for about 30min the longest. But he understands that I am just trying to fulfill my dreams. We do try to schedule time for each other but he knows and understands that when fall/spring semesters are in effect that I am less available but it doesn't mean I love him any less. Once the semesters over we go on trips and spend loads of time together to make up for it. But when school is in effect he is supportive, even drops off little care packages while i study like food or a favorite latte. In short your relationship should build you up not tear you down. It shouldn't feel stressful and make life harder for you. In the end do what is best for yourself because you are the only person here who understands your SO and the severity of your relationship. But if you are asking for my two cents, I don't think that your relationship is healthy and you should part ways with your SO.

 

[hailbate]

Jesus, people jumping to "dump him" from a very limited, biased (I genuinely don't mean this in a bad way) set of information.

Seeing as you haven't dumped him at this point, I'm assuming there are still positive aspects of him that you enjoy about him. Did you guys spend a lot more time together when you initially started to date? If so, I can understand why he's acting this way (in no way am I supporting what he's done to you based off what you've said, but nonetheless I understand it), as it makes sense for someone to feel left behind when someone close to you chooses to spend less time with you and more time on something else over time.

It's been mentioned a lot before, but you need to really get your point across that he's just going to have to get used to it if you are going to go to medical school. Honestly, I wouldn't dump him... I'd let him make that decision of whether to continue your relationship or not, cause quite frankly he's either going to have to accept it or move on. In a committed relationship both partners should accommodate their life goals to the best of their abilities for each other, but never to the point where that path should be changed. If he can't deal with it, it's best for both you and him that you both move on.

Also, different people have different desires. Does your boyfriend have a lot of outside friends that he hangs out with? I certainly can understand someone in that aspect of not having a whole lot of friends outside your SO, and so it sucks when your social life has to revolve around them and they can't spend a whole lot of time with you. Doesn't make him childish or a bad boyfriend, just different desires.

 

[Saifa]

Oh stop with the gender-baiting. The exact same thing happens the other way around all the time.

Ah yes. There's no such thing as sexism anymore. Especially not in STEM! How could I be so foolish.

 

[caffeinemia]

There will be plenty of good men in medical school and residency for you to snag, who will be similarly passionate about their work . They may be a bit hard on the eyes though... after 28 hour calls.

 

[aalamruad]

Jesus, people jumping to "dump him" from a very limited, biased (I genuinely don't mean this in a bad way) set of information.

Seeing as you haven't dumped him at this point, I'm assuming there are still positive aspects of him that you enjoy about him. Did you guys spend a lot more time together when you initially started to date? If so, I can understand why he's acting this way (in no way am I supporting what he's done to you based off what you've said, but nonetheless I understand it), as it makes sense for someone to feel left behind when someone close to you chooses to spend less time with you and more time on something else over time.

It's been mentioned a lot before, but you need to really get your point across that he's just going to have to get used to it if you are going to go to medical school. Honestly, I wouldn't dump him... I'd let him make that decision of whether to continue your relationship or not, cause quite frankly he's either going to have to accept it or move on. In a committed relationship both partners should accommodate their life goals to the best of their abilities for each other, but never to the point where that path should be changed. If he can't deal with it, it's best for both you and him that you both move on.

Also, different people have different desires. Does your boyfriend have a lot of outside friends that he hangs out with? I certainly can understand someone in that aspect of not having a whole lot of friends outside your SO, and so it sucks when your social life has to revolve around them and they can't spend a whole lot of time with you. Doesn't make him childish or a bad boyfriend, just different desires.

No. You're so wrong it's kind of disgusting. Being discouraging and verbally abusive isn't just having "different desires"...

OP, dump this guy instantly. Good luck, and realize that you deserve better in the future

 

[hopefulERdoc251]

Hi,

He tells me I study way too much, and that he should be my number one priority because that's what decent human beings do - put significant others first before their schoolwork/career.

This. When you're a physician and you're on call, or a patient is tanking after a surgery, or whatever scenario you create that requires you to go to the hospital, you are putting your career in front of him. If he cannot understand that, then you gotta peace out, ASAP. Also fighting is part of a normal relationship yes, but him yelling, shouting and putting you down like that isn't. You very well know that that sort of behavior will only escalate down the road to something more severe and physical.

Also, what a decent human being will do is understand you are busy and work with you and support your endeavors. Not shoot them down in a self-absorbed attempt to keep your attention.

 

[haaaaaaaaaaveyoumetted]

You are offering to spend time studying together and he is refusing. You are telling him that you need to do these things to succeed and he is trying to change your mind. I'm sure after two years it is weird to grow in different ways and he is probably scared of that- but he is toxic at this point and this relationship sounds too stressful. I was in a very similar situation my sophomore year and the most freeing thing I did was get out fast. Even if you love him, sometimes the best thing is to end the relationship.

 

[Lebowski9]

Slightly different scenario here, but I dated a girl all throughout college (who was also a pre med) who I found out was extremely competitive and not very supportive of me. She would genuinely get angry at me if I was studying and would get in huge arguments with me if I said I had to study for an exam. It was bad. I'm still not sure how she expected me to do well if I never cracked open my book, but I broke it off and haven't looked back. There is NO WAY I would have been able to study for my MCAT and apply to medical school if I was still with her; my path would have been booby trapped the entire way. You have to do what's best for you, and as selfish and heartless as that may sound, you'll thank yourself later. Good luck.

 

[Doctor Strange]

Dump his ass.

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[Gurby]

my path would have been booby trapped the entire way.

 

[bme94]

Not really sure about what other couples do, but I think part of why it works for us is that we're both very career/academically focused (she's not in science btw), and it's understood that less time together, say, during the semester, does not mean that we care less. It seems like your bf is taking it personally, when in reality it has nothing to do with him (from what I understand).

I'm glad it's working out for you guys, and it probably helps that you guys are both are pursuing academic goals. I've tried telling him that this has nothing to do with him, and these are the things I just have to do to succeed, but he still gets upset. I don't think he could ever understand because like I said earlier, he never gets any exams and usually is either working a part time job a few days a week or playing video games. I don't think he'll ever understand my school related stress.

 

[bme94]

I'll only be repeating what everyone else has echoed.

Perhaps a contrast example may be in order:

When I had to study late at college last week, my fiance turned up - with coffee and food. If he doesn't support your studies, with his eyes on the long term - he's not someone you need in your life.

That's really sweet of your fiance. I don't think my boyfriend would ever do that. If I'm ever stressed out, instead of encouragement he'll say something like "Well, you do/did it to yourself."

 

[bme94]

I have a girlfriend of 2 and a half years (non-premed) and she has been incredibly supportive of everything I've had to go through. I completely understand how they can be upset, but this guy seems a little too emotional. I am completely supportive of wherever her career path takes her and she supports anywhere, I hopefully, end up for medical school. If she got her dream job in NY and I was staying at home, I would 100% tell her to take it and she would do the same with me regarding my dream med school. Don't be with someone that doesn't support your future endeavors, there's PLENTY of fish in the sea.

Sounds like you guys really want each other to succeed in life, and that's really great. I understand why they get upset also - it's hard to come to terms with the fact that your significant other is constantly busy. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea. But he's told me numerous times that no one would ever put up with my study schedule, and if I don't work things out with him, I'm never going to have another relationship.

 

[bme94]

Every relationship is different. But I think your boyfriend is being childish, it just sounds so high school. You need to find somebody who will support you and your dreams not some one who will whine and tear you down. I have midterms for 3 classes coming up. I haven't seen my boyfriend for almost a week and half. We talk on the phone sometimes for about 30min the longest. But he understands that I am just trying to fulfill my dreams. We do try to schedule time for each other but he knows and understands that when fall/spring semesters are in effect that I am less available but it doesn't mean I love him any less. Once the semesters over we go on trips and spend loads of time together to make up for it. But when school is in effect he is supportive, even drops off little care packages while i study like food or a favorite latte. In short your relationship should build you up not tear you down. It shouldn't feel stressful and make life harder for you. In the end do what is best for yourself because you are the only person here who understands your SO and the severity of your relationship. But if you are asking for my two cents, I don't think that your relationship is healthy and you should part ways with your SO.

Wow, I wish my significant other was that understanding. It would mean the world to me if he did something like your boyfriend did (bringing food, lattes) but he's just not that kind of a person. It's hard, because I've been wanting to end it for a while, but he convinced me that no other guys would put up with my study schedule like this for two years. Even his family agreed with him...

 

[meditative_premed]

But he's told me numerous times that no one would ever put up with my study schedule, and if I don't work things out with him, I'm never going to have another relationship.

Saying this type of thing is EXTREMELY manipulative and emotionally abusive, please get out now.

My SO and I were both pre-med and we studied together, and it was legitimate quality time together that we both enjoyed while being able to get our work done. You can and will find someone who understands your study schedule, look at what everyone else in this thread is saying about their SO bringing them food and coffee...that is normal behavior in a relationship. What your boyfriend is doing is not normal, it is abusive. And shame on his family for supporting their whackjob of a son.