Discouraging boyfriend?

[candbgirl]

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I don't think you really know what you want at this point. You say med school
above everything but you are so wishy washy with the problem with your SO. What is more important to you? I know what you'll respond but I'm not sure I believe you because you don't really believe it. Find some time to see a counselor to talk these issues through. Even if you dump him you can't spend the next 10 years or longer wondering if you made the right decision. Good luck as you sort this out.


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[bme94]

I don't think there's necessarily a "right" or a "wrong" here -- it's all about what you value and prioritize in life. The lazy, unambitious couch potato is no more "right or wrong" than the hard-working pre-med, and vice versa; they are simply two different lifestyle choices.

That being said, I know that understanding what one's values are is an extremely difficult thing to do at this age. I'm a few years older than you and struggling with these questions as well. What I would advise is to think long and hard about what your values are, and then make the changes needed to align your life closer to those values. Talking to a professional counselor can make this process much easier -- I know this from experience.

Gold luck.

Yeah, now that I'm thinking about it, it's more about a difference in values like you said. He's always telling me about his sister (who's a year younger than me actually) who spends almost every day with her boyfriend, and that they'll randomly see each other in the late hours of the night. I think that's what he wants, a relationship like that. Problem is, is that she hasn't been in school for a year and a half. He always compares us to others couples and it's driving me nuts.

 

[meditative_premed]

Yeah, I understand both sides. Most of my time goes into MCAT studying and school work. If it weren't for the MCAT, it would probably a lot easier to balance both a relationship and school.

I think there is a distinction that needs to be made though. It's ok for a person to feel like they're not being priorotized in a relationship, and to express that they feel lonely. Because truthfully, you aren't prioritizing him (and I don't think you should be seeing as your MCAT is coming up). BUT, what the boyfriend is doing isn't just expressing his sads about not being the center of attention...he is verbally manipulating you into staying in this relationship when you've clearly expressed many times that you want out. That is what is so clearly wrong with this situation. He can have feelings, but he can't use them to manipulate and control you.

 

[bme94]

I don't think you really know what you want at this point. You say med school
above everything but you are so wishy washy with the problem with your SO. What is more important to you? I know what you'll respond but I'm not sure I believe you because you don't really believe it. Find some time to see a counselor to talk these issues through. Even if you dump him you can't spend the next 10 years or longer wondering if you made the right decision. Good luck as you sort this out.


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I may come off across as wishy-washy because I'm in general a sensitive person, and I really feel like terrible human being when I hurt someone's feelings. Med school is absolutely the dream. Are you saying if I truly wanted med school, I would just dump him?

 

[bme94]

I think there is a distinction that needs to be made though. It's ok for a person to feel like they're not being priorotized in a relationship, and to express that they feel lonely. Because truthfully, you aren't prioritizing him (and I don't think you should be seeing as your MCAT is coming up). BUT, what the boyfriend is doing isn't just expressing his sads about not being the center of attention...he is verbally manipulating you into staying in this relationship when you've clearly expressed many times that you want out. That is what is so clearly wrong with this situation. He can have feelings, but he can't use them to manipulate and control you.

Yeah, I agree, I definitely am not prioritizing him. MCAT = #1 priority at the moment. If he was expressing his sadness while trying to be understanding, it would be a completely different story. But he's just getting very angry with me instead and brings me down sometimes.

 

[Cytokine2014]

I may come off across as wishy-washy because I'm in general a sensitive person, and I really feel like terrible human being when I hurt someone's feelings. Med school is absolutely the dream. Are you saying if I truly wanted med school, I would just dump him?

You're not wishy washy. A decision like this is hard, and harder when someone is actively manipulating you. People who say "why don't you just leave then?" don't have a good understanding of how these kinds of relationships **** with your head and otherwise affect you.

You're making good progress working through what to do next. One step at a time.


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[meditative_premed]

.

 

[bme94]

You're not wishy washy. A decision like this is hard, and harder when someone is actively manipulating you. People who say "why don't you just leave then?" don't have a good understanding of how these kinds of relationships **** with your head and otherwise affect you.

You're making good progress working through what to do next. One step at a time.


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That's exactly what I was trying to say, but just couldn't find the words. Thank you. It's like I feel trapped.

 

[candbgirl]

I'm saying if med school is that important you do what you have to to get there without guilt. You've tried to break up with him before and you felt sorry for him (or whatever) and didn't . Med school tries all relationships and if you go into it fully aware of this baggage you will be the person who suffers. If he can't stand the time you are giving to the MCAT you ain't seen nothing yet.


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[meditative_premed]

Yeah, I agree, I definitely am not prioritizing him. MCAT = #1 priority at the moment. If he was expressing his sadness while trying to be understanding, it would be a completely different story. But he's just getting very angry with me instead and brings me down sometimes.

Right, he doesn't seem to be showing you any understanding and compassion, which is something you want in a partner. I know you feel trapped, and it's easier to just say "I'll leave!" vs. actually leaving. I think it is really important that you don't make this decision alone, involve your parents, friends, and/or a counselor. They will give you the tools and the self-esteem boost you need to feel confident enough to leave this dude and never look back.

 

[Gurby]

Are you saying if I truly wanted med school, I would just dump him?

Thinking long term, there is <0.01% chance of this relationship lasting if/when you get to medical school.

 

[meditative_premed]

Thinking long term, there is <0.01% chance of this relationship lasting if/when you get to medical school.

Captain Picard has spoken.

 

[Cytokine2014]

That's exactly what I was trying to say, but just couldn't find the words. Thank you. It's like I feel trapped.

Here's the thing... People who are abusive prey on your fears. Everything you're afraid of being, they'll say that you are if you leave. You seem like a compassionate person, and I imagine if he hasn't already tried to use that against you, he will if/when you try to leave. I had a partner who threatened to kill himself if I left, so the first three times I tried to leave him, I failed. He made me feel like I was a bad person, like I didn't love him or like I lacked compassion because I didn't want to be with him anymore. As an interesting parallel... He didn't want me to go to college, and that is why I left him.

No matter what the circumstances, you are never (NEVER) obligated to stay in a relationship. You always have the right to choose not to be with someone. You don't owe anyone anything, even if you'd been married for 20 years.

There is never, ever anything wrong with choosing your own health and safety. This is about more than just medical school. Someone who discourages you, degrades you, and dismisses your concerns with laughter, mocking and manipulation is not good for your health or your safety. While I understand deeply, from personal experience, that you will likely feel guilt and shame and regret and fear and other things if you leave... You are not wrong for picking your own side in this. He's not fighting a fair battle. This isn't just a disagreement.

What it comes down to is this... It isn't about your career. It isn't about the MCAT or your studying or whether you're a good girlfriend or how much time you spend together. It's not about his insecurities, and it isn't your job to prove to him that what he's afraid of (being alone, being unlovable, etc, etc) is not true. You aren't responsible for the way he sees the world. None of these things matter, because the WAY that he is talking to you and treating you is abusive.

No one asks to be abused. It doesn't matter if one time you could've spent an hour with him you didn't. It doesn't matter if you feel like you could try harder, or do more. It isn't about priorities anymore. If you feel trapped, which you mentioned you did... It's no longer healthy or safe.

There's nothing wrong with you if you're feeling confused, scared, trapped, or like a bad person for wanting to leave. That is normal in a situation like this. A huge range of emotions is normal here. Please know that I am happy to support you however I can. Feel free to PM even if you aren't ready to leave yet. I understand why you might feel conflicted.

 

[22031 Alum]

I don't think he'd ever hurt me physically. When I tried to break up with him he really did hurt me emotionally and broke me down to a point where I couldn't follow through with what I intended to do.

The misconception that "abuse" is only physical has hurt many, many people. What you describe is abuse. Full stop.

 

[afraidoffailure]

Hi,

I'm in need of some serious advice. I am a pre-med major planning to take my MCAT during the summer and apply this cycle. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. He's not a pre-med major. Everything was fine when I only had school to concentrate on. As soon as I started getting involved in research positions and volunteering, the relationship went downhill. He was always (and still is) getting upset/angry with me for how much I study. I do study a lot, but I don't know if it's any more than what the normal pre-med student would do.

He tells me I study way too much, and that he should be my number one priority because that's what decent human beings do - put significant others first before their schoolwork/career. I told him I'm trying to do as best as I can to balance him and schoolwork, and that medical school is my dream. He told me I'm not doing very good job, and there are tons of pre-med students that successfully balance school and relationships (I'm sure there are, but he really doesn't "know" anyone specifically). He gets super angry and has shouted at me before because we only see each other for two days a week, maybe for 4-5 hours at time. This a lot of time for me, and stresses me out. There was even one time where I was late to a date because I taking a 7 hour MCAT practice exam, and he got super angry and told me to not even bother showing up.

I've tried to get him to come to the library with me but he refuses, and that's it not quality time together. He's also hinted numerous times before that he'd rather I do something easier like optometry, so I'd have more time for him. He also tells me I'm wasting my life away studying...but I don't really mind studying so much.

What do I do? Has anyone else been in a stressful situation like this? Thanks.

Wow, thank you so much for your advice everyone. I've tried breaking up with him before - but he ended up convincing me that I would have plenty of time to study and date him.

Same as what everyone else said. Get out and prioritize your future and your career. There are people out there who will do the same and will support YOU achieving your goals, not just you being a support factory for another human. Get out and be happier and get into medical school and be a huge success. You deserve better than what you're getting.

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[rudyin78]

Here's the thing... People who are abusive prey on your fears. Everything you're afraid of being, they'll say that you are if you leave. You seem like a compassionate person, and I imagine if he hasn't already tried to use that against you, he will if/when you try to leave. I had a partner who threatened to kill himself if I left, so the first three times I tried to leave him, I failed. He made me feel like I was a bad person, like I didn't love him or like I lacked compassion because I didn't want to be with him anymore. As an interesting parallel... He didn't want me to go to college, and that is why I left him.

No matter what the circumstances, you are never (NEVER) obligated to stay in a relationship. You always have the right to choose not to be with someone. You don't owe anyone anything, even if you'd been married for 20 years.

There is never, ever anything wrong with choosing your own health and safety. This is about more than just medical school. Someone who discourages you, degrades you, and dismisses your concerns with laughter, mocking and manipulation is not good for your health or your safety. While I understand deeply, from personal experience, that you will likely feel guilt and shame and regret and fear and other things if you leave... You are not wrong for picking your own side in this. He's not fighting a fair battle. This isn't just a disagreement.

What it comes down to is this... It isn't about your career. It isn't about the MCAT or your studying or whether you're a good girlfriend or how much time you spend together. It's not about his insecurities, and it isn't your job to prove to him that what he's afraid of (being alone, being unlovable, etc, etc) is not true. You aren't responsible for the way he sees the world. None of these things matter, because the WAY that he is talking to you and treating you is abusive.

No one asks to be abused. It doesn't matter if one time you could've spent an hour with him you didn't. It doesn't matter if you feel like you could try harder, or do more. It isn't about priorities anymore. If you feel trapped, which you mentioned you did... It's no longer healthy or safe.

There's nothing wrong with you if you're feeling confused, scared, trapped, or like a bad person for wanting to leave. That is normal in a situation like this. A huge range of emotions is normal here. Please know that I am happy to support you however I can. Feel free to PM even if you aren't ready to leave yet. I understand why you might feel conflicted.

This is an amazing post @Cytokine2014 you said EVERYTHING

 

[Instatewaiter]

I think you're getting a general sense of what people here think already, but if it helps, I think two days a week for 4-5 hrs is more than reasonable. I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years, and we see each other once a week for that time (during the semester, I mean).

I think this has got to be a joke. I'm not even sure you can call that dating.

quick question- Does she know she's your girlfriend?

 

[aalamruad]

I'd react pretty terribly to my SO only having 8 hrs/week for me too. He certainly isn't handling it great, but he also doesn't sound like an abusive rotten human being to me.

Clearly your relationship can't go on in present circumstances. Consider, though, regardless of whether you two break it off: if you can only scrounge up 8-10 hours a week for the things you love outside of this damn premed game, you might want to cut back somewhere. That sounds like a path to burnout and not at all how you should be living as a college student.

My God, I feel horrible for your current and/or future SO's if you're really defending a guy who tells his girlfriend that no one will appreciate her if she continues to be so academically driven...

With all due respect, no one cares how you would react to a situation like this. If your SO can't devote enough time to you in order to make you happy, the appropriate response is to try to make compromises or ultimately end the relationship, not to crush their dreams and make them feel universally undesirable.

OP, for the record, I know a ton of great guys who are very attracted to qualities like ambition, dedication, and hard work. Many of the most successful relationships I've seen in college are ones that have small quantities of high-quality time spent together, in addition to a lot of studying together. There are plenty of people out there who will fully appreciate you for precisely who you are, and you'll come across them sooner or later.

 

[Cytokine2014]

My God, I feel horrible for your current and/or future SO's if you're really defending a guy who tells his girlfriend that no one will appreciate her if she continues to be so academically driven...

With all due respect, no one cares how you would react to a situation like this. If your SO can't devote enough time to you in order to make you happy, the appropriate response is to try to make compromises or ultimately end the relationship, not to crush their dreams and make them feel universally undesirable.

OP, for the record, I know a ton of great guys who are very attracted to qualities like ambition, dedication, and hard work. Many of the most successful relationships I've seen in college are ones that have small quantities of high-quality time spent together, in addition to a lot of studying together. There are plenty of people out there who will fully appreciate you for precisely who you are, and you'll come across them sooner or later.

@bme94 , I also want you to know that I am in a much better place now. It's possible for you too. The other day I realized - with the utmost joy and relief - that I was safe, happy, far away from my abuser, and headed to medical school. What's more, I'm in a loving, kind, supportive relationship where we always ask each other how we can support one another better. It's mutual, loving, and recognizes that as future physicians we will not always get to see each other as much as we want, but that that doesn't mean we don't care deeply for one another. There's no guilt-tripping, no blaming, just a continuing effort and the knowledge that while it isn't perfect, we do our best and appreciate that. This is how good it can be; don't let other people's dissatisfaction with their relationships let you fool yourself that being hurt and demeaned is normal. I promise it doesn't have to hurt like this.

I want everyone to have the kind of loving relationship I have, but I especially want it for folks who have been hurt by abusive partners. I want you to know from the bottom of my heart that you deserve this kind of love and safety.

 

[bme94]

Here's the thing... People who are abusive prey on your fears. Everything you're afraid of being, they'll say that you are if you leave. You seem like a compassionate person, and I imagine if he hasn't already tried to use that against you, he will if/when you try to leave. I had a partner who threatened to kill himself if I left, so the first three times I tried to leave him, I failed. He made me feel like I was a bad person, like I didn't love him or like I lacked compassion because I didn't want to be with him anymore. As an interesting parallel... He didn't want me to go to college, and that is why I left him.

No matter what the circumstances, you are never (NEVER) obligated to stay in a relationship. You always have the right to choose not to be with someone. You don't owe anyone anything, even if you'd been married for 20 years.

There is never, ever anything wrong with choosing your own health and safety. This is about more than just medical school. Someone who discourages you, degrades you, and dismisses your concerns with laughter, mocking and manipulation is not good for your health or your safety. While I understand deeply, from personal experience, that you will likely feel guilt and shame and regret and fear and other things if you leave... You are not wrong for picking your own side in this. He's not fighting a fair battle. This isn't just a disagreement.

What it comes down to is this... It isn't about your career. It isn't about the MCAT or your studying or whether you're a good girlfriend or how much time you spend together. It's not about his insecurities, and it isn't your job to prove to him that what he's afraid of (being alone, being unlovable, etc, etc) is not true. You aren't responsible for the way he sees the world. None of these things matter, because the WAY that he is talking to you and treating you is abusive.

No one asks to be abused. It doesn't matter if one time you could've spent an hour with him you didn't. It doesn't matter if you feel like you could try harder, or do more. It isn't about priorities anymore. If you feel trapped, which you mentioned you did... It's no longer healthy or safe.

There's nothing wrong with you if you're feeling confused, scared, trapped, or like a bad person for wanting to leave. That is normal in a situation like this. A huge range of emotions is normal here. Please know that I am happy to support you however I can. Feel free to PM even if you aren't ready to leave yet. I understand why you might feel conflicted.

We just got into a fight, and he'll called me a selfish *** he said supporting me is like a slap in his face and interests

 

[Cytokine2014]

We just got into a fight, and he'll called me a selfish *** he said supporting me is like a slap in his face and interests

Simply put... No partner should ever say that to you. If that is how he feels, he should leave. If he doesn't, it is worth asking yourself why he says things like that. It is almost undoubtedly meant to make you feel bad, and change your behavior. That isn't the way healthy partnerships work. I promise.
It does not have to be this way, and I am so sorry this is happening right now. You deserve so much better.

 

[efle]

My God, I feel horrible for your current and/or future SO's if you're really defending a guy who tells his girlfriend that no one will appreciate her if she continues to be so academically driven...

With all due respect, no one cares how you would react to a situation like this. If your SO can't devote enough time to you in order to make you happy, the appropriate response is to try to make compromises or ultimately end the relationship, not to crush their dreams and make them feel universally undesirable.

OP, for the record, I know a ton of great guys who are very attracted to qualities like ambition, dedication, and hard work. Many of the most successful relationships I've seen in college are ones that have small quantities of high-quality time spent together, in addition to a lot of studying together. There are plenty of people out there who will fully appreciate you for precisely who you are, and you'll come across them sooner or later.

I've had that conversation a few times with my SO of a few years, in both directions. It's not abusive to tell someone you think their workload is consuming their life lately and you're upset and feel neglected. Or maybe I'm wrong, and telling someone they ought to take a lighter courseload next semester = domestic abuse.

I'm not due any respect, it's fine to disagree.

called me a selfish *** he said supporting me is like a slap in his face and interests

Now this makes no sense, why doesn't he want to break up then?

 

[order66.exe]

My God, I feel horrible for your current and/or future SO's if you're really defending a guy who tells his girlfriend that no one will appreciate her if she continues to be so academically driven...

With all due respect, no one cares how you would react to a situation like this. If your SO can't devote enough time to you in order to make you happy, the appropriate response is to try to make compromises or ultimately end the relationship, not to crush their dreams and make them feel universally undesirable.

OP, for the record, I know a ton of great guys who are very attracted to qualities like ambition, dedication, and hard work. Many of the most successful relationships I've seen in college are ones that have small quantities of high-quality time spent together, in addition to a lot of studying together. There are plenty of people out there who will fully appreciate you for precisely who you are, and you'll come across them sooner or later.

As much as I think OP's boyfriend is being an dingus and taking this poorly and is probably upset that he doesn't have his own career goals, the idea that is solely one sided is also nonsense.

168 hours in a week
168 - 56 hours for sleep = 112
112- 20 hours for self care = 92
92 - 50 hours for school = 42
47 - 20 hours for EC's = 27
27 free hours for socialization

The fact that OP can't give her boyfriend one 12 hour uninterrupted period of high quality time a week shows that there is a lack of efficiency, prioritization or both. Honestly OP, your boyfriend seems like the weakest link so you should cut him.

 

[Cytokine2014]

I've had that conversation a few times with my SO of a few years, in both directions. It's not abusive to tell someone you think their workload is consuming their life lately and you're upset and feel neglected. Or maybe I'm wrong, and telling someone they ought to take a lighter courseload next semester = domestic abuse.

I'm not due any respect, it's fine to disagree.


Now this makes no sense, why doesn't he want to break up then?

Saying that you feel neglected or wish you had more time together is different. It's not that you can't have a conversation about the balance of time in your relationship. The problem here is the way he's approaching this with OP. The things that he's saying are emotionally abusive. Clear, professional-organization-supported red flags. That takes precedence over whether they're spending enough time together.

As much as I think OP's boyfriend is being an dingus and taking this poorly and is probably upset that he doesn't have his own career goals, the idea that is solely one sided is also nonsense.

168 hours in a week
168 - 56 hours for sleep = 112
112- 20 hours for self care = 92
92 - 50 hours for school = 42
47 - 20 hours for EC's = 22
22 free hours for socialization

The fact that OP can't give her boyfriend one 12 hour uninterrupted period of high quality time a week shows that there is a lack of efficiency, prioritization or both. Honestly OP, your boyfriend seems like the weakest link so you should cut him.

I cannot overstate how dangerous and painful it is, right now, to be telling someone with an abusive partner that they are doing something wrong. Please, don't. It's counterproductive even if you mean well. This can easily be mentally wrangled into "I am to blame for how my partner treats me" and that is so so rough. Even if OP doesn't organize her time perfectly that does not mean that she deserves the treatment she is getting from her partner. No one deserves that.

 

[meditative_premed]

We just got into a fight, and he'll called me a selfish *** he said supporting me is like a slap in his face and interests

Isn't his refusal to support your interests and career aspirations a slap in YOUR face? This guy is selfish beyond belief.

 

[22031 Alum]

Or maybe I'm wrong, and telling someone they ought to take a lighter courseload next semester = domestic abuse.

Nobody has said that. Seriously. Purposely hurting someone emotionally and making them feel like they don't deserve better than you is abuse, even if you don't recognize it as such. That you, a generally smart and rational person, are trying to justify that behavior as okay (and equating it to saying "Hey, take a lighter course load) is disappointing. But it's a good reminder of what people in abusive relationships face when it comes to 1) naming the problem for what it is and 2) trying to get out of the situation.

 

[efle]

Purposely hurting someone emotionally and making them feel like they don't deserve better than you

Well, my SO and I have both said to each other before that we feel the other is neglecting the relationship and ask that they cut back on something to make more "us" time. I must be missing something in the OP that differentiates this from the boyfriend asking to get time over schoolwork/EC building.

 

[Goro]

Note the bolded. How does this follow up with the red????

When I tried to break up with him he really did hurt me emotionally and broke me down to a point where I couldn't follow through with what I intended to do. I know breaks ups are never taken easily, but I had no idea he would yell at me, make sarcastic remarks, and ultimately convince me it was a good idea to stay with him.




Sounds like something a manipulative SOB say.

I see where you're coming from, and I also see where my boyfriend is coming from. Some people just don't have giant circles of close friends, and that's okay. I've tried encouraging him to go out and try to do things with his friends, but he just kind of shrugs the idea off. He says that hanging out with my friends like I do is more of a girl thing, and not a guy thing.

 

[meditative_premed]

Well, my SO and I have both said to each other before that we feel the other is neglecting the relationship and ask that they cut back on something to make more "us" time. I must be missing something in the OP that differentiates this from the boyfriend asking to get time over schoolwork/EC building.

Your situation with your SO is completely different, you two just expressed your feelings and requested for more time together. OP's boyfriend has verbally abused her into staying in this toxic relationship by saying if she leaves him, she will never find someone else and she will be alone. And when she brings up her feelings to him, he mocks her and laughs, brushing it off as if he has done nothing wrong. And he is mad that she wants him to support her, stating that by him supporting her it is a "slap in the face to his own interests"...this sounds nothing like your relationship.

 

[aalamruad]

Well, my SO and I have both said to each other before that we feel the other is neglecting the relationship and ask that they cut back on something to make more "us" time. I must be missing something in the OP that differentiates this from the boyfriend asking to get time over schoolwork/EC building.

But you didn't yell at and insult your SO, nor did you tell him/her they wouldn't be appreciated by anyone else, nor did you try to manipulate them into choosing an entirely different career path using guilt. You honestly and level-headedly communicated your thoughts and emotions, and it sounds like the relationship had a stable enough foundation for that to work out for the best. Very different situations.

Edit: looks like meditative_premed said basically exactly what I said (but beat me to the punch by a few seconds) haha

 

[22031 Alum]

Well, my SO and I have both said to each other before that we feel the other is neglecting the relationship and ask that they cut back on something to make more "us" time. I must be missing something in the OP that differentiates this from the boyfriend asking to get time over schoolwork/EC building.

OP has revealed multiple things that are red flags. Not "IMHO" red flags, but actual formal criteria for recognizing abuse. To only contribute based on the first post is not only not helpful, it's actually harmful- the last thing OP needs is a reason to think "Maybe I'm being unreasonable..."

 

[Cytokine2014]

Note the bolded. How does this follow up with the red????

When I tried to break up with him he really did hurt me emotionally and broke me down to a point where I couldn't follow through with what I intended to do. I know breaks ups are never taken easily, but I had no idea he would yell at me, make sarcastic remarks, and ultimately convince me it was a good idea to stay with him.




Sounds like something a manipulative SOB say.

Also, OP, if you're basically his only social contact that is also a red flag.. It's also an indicator he may try to further isolate you and guilt-trip you by saying you're the only reason he doesn't feel lonely, etc etc. this is classic emotional abuse. He - and only he - is responsible for himself and his life. He may even need therapy. But it is not your job to help him sort through his issues or be his sole source of support.


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[padfootmd]

Well, my SO and I have both said to each other before that we feel the other is neglecting the relationship and ask that they cut back on something to make more "us" time. I must be missing something in the OP that differentiates this from the boyfriend asking to get time over schoolwork/EC building.

There's a big difference between wanting more time with one's significant other and demanding to be their number one priority, shouting at them, and insinuating no one else would want to be with them.

He tells me I study way too much, and that he should be my number one priority because that's what decent human beings do - put significant others first before their schoolwork/career. I told him I'm trying to do as best as I can to balance him and schoolwork, and that medical school is my dream. He told me I'm not doing very good job, and there are tons of pre-med students that successfully balance school and relationships (I'm sure there are, but he really doesn't "know" anyone specifically). He gets super angry and has shouted at me before because we only see each other for two days a week, maybe for 4-5 hours at time. This a lot of time for me, and stresses me out. There was even one time where I was late to a date because I taking a 7 hour MCAT practice exam, and he got super angry and told me to not even bother showing up.

Wow, I wish my significant other was that understanding. It would mean the world to me if he did something like your boyfriend did (bringing food, lattes) but he's just not that kind of a person. It's hard, because I've been wanting to end it for a while, but he convinced me that no other guys would put up with my study schedule like this for two years. Even his family agreed with him...

We just got into a fight, and he'll called me a selfish *** he said supporting me is like a slap in his face and interests

 

[efle]

Ah, I think I'm getting it. The problem isn't that he would ask to get put before some study/EC time, but that he's an a-hole when she doesn't do so? And yeah, later comments sound a lot worse than the initial one

 

[Cytokine2014]

Ah, I think I'm getting it. The problem isn't that he would ask to get put before some study/EC time, but that he's an a-hole when she doesn't do so? And yeah, later comments sound a lot worse than the initial one

Efle it sounds like you're well intended and trying to understand.

The problem isn't that he's asking for more time. Given his behavior, the way he treats OP, that is not the thing at issue here. He's not just being an dingus. He is being abusive in ways that are recognized. You can find them in checklists of abusive behavior.

So it's really kind of awful to fixate on whether his "concern" is legitimate. It isn't. Because how he treats his partner is a much, much bigger and more concerning issue. Wondering whether his concern is legitimate is a victim blaming question. No matter whether they have enough time together or not, no matter what he wants from her, he doesn't have be right to treat OP like that. Ever.

So the problem is that he is clearly abusive. We don't even need to come to a group consensus on that; Google will do the trick.

Edit: it appears when you say A-hole is translates to dingus!

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[ridethecliche]

I may come off across as wishy-washy because I'm in general a sensitive person, and I really feel like terrible human being when I hurt someone's feelings. Med school is absolutely the dream. Are you saying if I truly wanted med school, I would just dump him?

This is the exact personality type that needs to be with someone capable of exploiting this very trait but never doing so because they know how messed up it is.

I'm not really known as a sentimental person over here, but I truly believe that love is knowing exactly how to f*ck with someone and refusing to ever go there because you know how hurtful and messed up it is. Oh and that entire caring about them thing.

Med school isn't easy. It requires lots of time dedicated to studying and working around weird schedules to accommodate friends and relationships. Residency doesn't get easier for that. From here on out, should you choose to go down this path, you're going to have to balance your career and your SO/family. That doesn't work if someone is going to guilt you for having to do the things you absolutely need to do to get where you want to be.

Walk. Away.

And never look back.

 

[efle]

Efle it sounds like you're well intended and trying to understand.

The problem isn't that he's asking for more time. Given his behavior, the way he treats OP, that is not the thing at issue here. He's not just being an dingus. He is being abusive in ways that are recognized. You can find them in checklists of abusive behavior.

So it's really kind of awful to fixate on whether his "concern" is legitimate. It isn't. Because how he treats his partner is a much, much bigger and more concerning issue. Wondering whether his concern is legitimate is a victim blaming question. No matter whether they have enough time together or not, no matter what he wants from her, he doesn't have be right to treat OP like that. Ever.

So the problem is that he is clearly abusive. We don't even need to come to a group consensus on that; Google will do the trick.

Edit: it appears when you say A-hole is translates to dingus!

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Helpful but still not sure I follow. Abuse is clear to me when it attacks someone and calls them worthless (eg "you're stupid and will never be a doctor anyways"). But is saying you think that the problem would extend beyond this pairing, that other people would also be unable to build a relationship on 8 hours together, is that abusive? Is saying you feel hurt / slapped in the face by getting back seat to volunteer shifts abusive? Is it abusive to say you wish they were heading for something less life consuming/with more lifestyle control?

 

[Cytokine2014]

Helpful but still not sure I follow. Abuse is clear to me when it attacks someone and calls them worthless (eg "you're stupid and will never be a doctor anyways"). But is saying you think that the problem would extend beyond this pairing, that other people would also be unable to build a relationship on 8 hours together, is that abusive? Is saying you feel hurt / slapped in the face by getting back seat to volunteer shifts abusive? Is it abusive to say you wish they were heading for something less life consuming/with more lifestyle control?

I think you are missing the most critical piece here. I'm happy to talk with you about your questions and see if we can figure it out. Why don't you send me a PM?

I'd like to respect that OP came here seeking support and since this is a divergent topic I think we can address it elsewhere.


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[bme94]

Isn't his refusal to support your interests and career aspirations a slap in YOUR face? This guy is selfish beyond belief.

There's a big difference between wanting more time with one's significant other and demanding to be their number one priority, shouting at them, and insinuating no one else would want to be with them.

Just trying to give updates when I can. I told him he doesn't treat me with respect, and he said, "How can I treat someone with respect when they don't even treat me as a priority? I haven't been the ideal boyfriend, but it's not my fault." I asked him more specifically how I don't treat him as a priority, and he said that "Before we skype for only an hour or so, you ALWAYS have to finish your schoolwork first. It's never that you skype with me first, when you're not exhausted, you skype with me when you've done all you're studying and you're too tired to maintain a good conversation."

 

[meditative_premed]

Helpful but still not sure I follow. Abuse is clear to me when it attacks someone and calls them worthless (eg "you're stupid and will never be a doctor anyways"). But is saying you think that the problem would extend beyond this pairing, that other people would also be unable to build a relationship on 8 hours together, is that abusive? Is saying you feel hurt / slapped in the face by getting back seat to volunteer shifts abusive? Is it abusive to say you wish they were heading for something less life consuming/with more lifestyle control?

Here are examples of emotional abuse that OP's boyfriend has displayed:

• Alienation - the act of cutting off or interfering with an individual's relationships with others [he gets mad and jealous when she wants to hang out with her girlfriends]
• Baiting - a provocative act used to solicit an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another individual
• Dependency - an inappropriate and chronic reliance by an adult individual on another individual for their health, subsistence, decision making or personal and emotional well-being
• Engulfment - an unhealthy and overwhelming level of attention and dependency on another person, which comes from imagining or believing one exists only within the context of that relationship
• Invalidation - the creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless.

I could go on, but I think this paints a pretty clear picture.

 

[Cytokine2014]

Helpful but still not sure I follow. Abuse is clear to me when it attacks someone and calls them worthless (eg "you're stupid and will never be a doctor anyways"). But is saying you think that the problem would extend beyond this pairing, that other people would also be unable to build a relationship on 8 hours together, is that abusive? Is saying you feel hurt / slapped in the face by getting back seat to volunteer shifts abusive? Is it abusive to say you wish they were heading for something less life consuming/with more lifestyle control?

And in case you don't feel up for a PM extension... http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/02/20/signs-of-emotional-abuse/

This said, please do not come back and say "I don't see xyz" if you still feel unclear. The important thing at the moment is not that you understand, but that OP gets support.


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[bme94]

Your situation with your SO is completely different, you two just expressed your feelings and requested for more time together. OP's boyfriend has verbally abused her into staying in this toxic relationship by saying if she leaves him, she will never find someone else and she will be alone. And when she brings up her feelings to him, he mocks her and laughs, brushing it off as if he has done nothing wrong. And he is mad that she wants him to support her, stating that by him supporting her it is a "slap in the face to his own interests"...this sounds nothing like your relationship.

Yes, exactly. He also said "supporting you in this way, with your ridiculous need to study all of the time is hurting me. It's not helping me. I don't get any benefits from that."

 

[22031 Alum]

is saying you think that the problem would extend beyond this pairing, that other people would also be unable to build a relationship on 8 hours together, is that abusive?

That is not what is being said. Saying "Issue X may carry over into other relationships" is a little douchey and honestly none of your business if you're breaking up with someone. But going beyond specific issues to say "If you leave me, you'll never find anyone else" is practically pathognomonic for an abusive relationship. I believe that was the statement that prompted me to reply to this thread in the first place.

I'm not sure I agree with @Cytokine2014 that this should go to PMs, though maybe a separate thread would work. As someone who works with a patient population that has a very high prevalence of IPV, I think this kind of discussion/education should be out in the open for all to see. (Edited to add that I do agree that supporting OP should be first priority, educating people on abuse that isn't physical can come second.)

 

[Cytokine2014]

Just trying to give updates when I can. I told him he doesn't treat me with respect, and he said, "How can I treat someone with respect when they don't even treat me as a priority? I haven't been the ideal boyfriend, but it's not my fault." I asked him more specifically how I don't treat him as a priority, and he said that "Before we skype for only an hour or so, you ALWAYS have to finish your schoolwork first. It's never that you skype with me first, when you're not exhausted, you skype with me when you've done all you're studying and you're too tired to maintain a good conversation."

Oh, girl. This is so hard. You don't owe him a conversation about it. You can't reason with someone who has already decided he can't respect you.

This is the most important piece. He has already stated the most important thing: he sees respectfulness of you as something that is contingent on his feelings. It's not. Full stop.

Respect is a basic and inviolable requirement in a relationship. You do not have to earn basic respectfulness and anyone who tells you that you do is someone to run from because they can always change the rules to treat you badly. Clearly he is willing.

You don't have to justify to him why this isn't working for you if you want to leave.


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[bme94]

Helpful but still not sure I follow. Abuse is clear to me when it attacks someone and calls them worthless (eg "you're stupid and will never be a doctor anyways"). But is saying you think that the problem would extend beyond this pairing, that other people would also be unable to build a relationship on 8 hours together, is that abusive? Is saying you feel hurt / slapped in the face by getting back seat to volunteer shifts abusive? Is it abusive to say you wish they were heading for something less life consuming/with more lifestyle control?

Just remember he had also said some very nasty things to me, calling me an "SOB" and a "selfish **". I would never say that to him, or anyone. Ever.

 

[meditative_premed]

Yes, exactly. He also said "supporting you in this way, with your ridiculous need to study all of the time is hurting me. It's not helping me. I don't get any benefits from that."

He needs to be with someone who has the same workload and life goals as him. You two are not a good match, at all. And he is exploiting your good nature and compassion by not allowing you to end it.

 

[aalamruad]

He needs to be with someone who has the same workload and life goals as him. You two are not a good match, at all. And he is exploiting your good nature and compassion by not allowing you to end it.

He needs to be with no one at all, at least until he works through these major personality issues he seems to have.

 

[Cytokine2014]

Just trying to give updates when I can. I told him he doesn't treat me with respect, and he said, "How can I treat someone with respect when they don't even treat me as a priority? I haven't been the ideal boyfriend, but it's not my fault." I asked him more specifically how I don't treat him as a priority, and he said that "Before we skype for only an hour or so, you ALWAYS have to finish your schoolwork first. It's never that you skype with me first, when you're not exhausted, you skype with me when you've done all you're studying and you're too tired to maintain a good conversation."

Also "it's not my fault" is a pretty terrible excuse. We always have responsibility for our own behavior.

Most importantly it's a common characteristic of abusive partners - they reliably and frequently put the onus for everything on their partner, and deny any culpability.


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[Moko]

Do yourself a huge favor and dump him. Med school is tough enough as it is without someone (who should be your biggest ally) constantly trying to undermine you. You deserve better. Best of luck.

 

[bme94]

Also "it's not my fault" is a pretty terrible excuse. We always have responsibility for our own behavior.

Most importantly it's a common characteristic of abusive partners - they reliably and frequently put the onus for everything on their partner, and deny any culpability.


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Also something else I'd like to mention (and once again, I SINCERELY appreciate everyone's advice, time, and effort) - when I first tried to break up with him, he told me everyone would know how "evil I was." Granted, it was poor planning on my part, because it was a few days before our anniversary, but at the time I thought it was beter to do it before than after.