Discouraging boyfriend?

[RealityDream]

.

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[Dro133]

[QUOTE="bme94, post: 17544090, member: 702271"he convinced me that no other guys would put up with my study schedule like this for two years. Even his family agreed with him...[/QUOTE]

In light of this information, I take back what I said earlier. He is breaking you down so that you are afraid to leave him. You should leave him, and if you are still finding it difficult to do so, I would strongly suggest seeking professional counseling.

 

[bme94]

Jesus, people jumping to "dump him" from a very limited, biased (I genuinely don't mean this in a bad way) set of information.

Seeing as you haven't dumped him at this point, I'm assuming there are still positive aspects of him that you enjoy about him. Did you guys spend a lot more time together when you initially started to date? If so, I can understand why he's acting this way (in no way am I supporting what he's done to you based off what you've said, but nonetheless I understand it), as it makes sense for someone to feel left behind when someone close to you chooses to spend less time with you and more time on something else over time.

It's been mentioned a lot before, but you need to really get your point across that he's just going to have to get used to it if you are going to go to medical school. Honestly, I wouldn't dump him... I'd let him make that decision of whether to continue your relationship or not, cause quite frankly he's either going to have to accept it or move on. In a committed relationship both partners should accommodate their life goals to the best of their abilities for each other, but never to the point where that path should be changed. If he can't deal with it, it's best for both you and him that you both move on.

Also, different people have different desires. Does your boyfriend have a lot of outside friends that he hangs out with? I certainly can understand someone in that aspect of not having a whole lot of friends outside your SO, and so it sucks when your social life has to revolve around them and they can't spend a whole lot of time with you. Doesn't make him childish or a bad boyfriend, just different desires.

We always used to spend a fair amount of time together, and it was great. He was super sweet back then, and we never fought. That was before I had to do research and volunteering in addition to school. I completely understand what you're saying though - it may seem like limited, biased information. I always try to give both sides of the story, but it's hard when the only thing coming from his end is anger. Basically, there haven't been any positive things about the relationship in a while. When we do spend time together, I feel cared for at first, but the back of mind is always reminding me how he's hurt me with the yelling and telling me no one would ever put up with me and my study schedule.

He keep telling him that if he wants to leave the relationship, I understand, because it must be very stressful to date someone who is always busy. He still wants to stay with me, and wants to marry me and eventually have kids.

He doesn't have a lot of friends, I don't think. He says he has a lot of people that he talks to in his classes, and I believe him, but truthfully I'm pretty much the only person he hangs out with. Whereas I have a close group of friends, and sometimes he'll get mad if I try to choose to hang out with them over him. He'll say something like, "are you friends more important than me?"

 

[bme94]

Slightly different scenario here, but I dated a girl all throughout college (who was also a pre med) who I found out was extremely competitive and not very supportive of me. She would genuinely get angry at me if I was studying and would get in huge arguments with me if I said I had to study for an exam. It was bad. I'm still not sure how she expected me to do well if I never cracked open my book, but I broke it off and haven't looked back. There is NO WAY I would have been able to study for my MCAT and apply to medical school if I was still with her; my path would have been booby trapped the entire way. You have to do what's best for you, and as selfish and heartless as that may sound, you'll thank yourself later. Good luck.

I'm glad you got out of it. I don't know why she'd get super angry with you for just trying to study. What did she expect you to do? I'm trying to study for the MCAT now. My test is in July. There have been weeks where I've only seen him one day a week, but that's only because either I've been sick or he's been sick, not because he willingly gave me time.

 

[22031 Alum]

Saying things along the lines of "If you leave me you won't find anyone else" is a sure sign that this relationship is not good for you. That is one way (of many) abusers break down the will of their victims so they are afraid to leave. Major, major red flag, @bme94.

 

[bme94]

Saying this type of thing is EXTREMELY manipulative and emotionally abusive, please get out now.

My SO and I were both pre-med and we studied together, and it was legitimate quality time together that we both enjoyed while being able to get our work done. You can and will find someone who understands your study schedule, look at what everyone else in this thread is saying about their SO bringing them food and coffee...that is normal behavior in a relationship. What your boyfriend is doing is not normal, it is abusive. And shame on his family for supporting their whackjob of a son.

I have definitely called this to his attention before, and he'll just chuckle and say, "Right, I'm abusive, okay." I didn't even know that was a normal thing to do. I've never experienced something like that before. All I get is constant arguing. One time I told him I didn't want to stay out until 10:30 (seems early but hear me out) because I was taking an MCAT practice exam the next morning, so I wanted to leave from his house a half an hour earlier. He just got really mad at me and told me a decent girlfriend wouldn't have even said that, and just dealt with that.

 

[MaxPlancker]

So why do you like a guy like that? DUMP DUMP DUMP! Plus you don't want an ungrateful guy like that living off your future pay check making you feel like the man of the house.

DUMP. That is all.

 

[bme94]

Saying things along the lines of "If you leave me you won't find anyone else" is a sure sign that this relationship is not good for you. That is one way (of many) abusers break down the will of their victims so they are afraid to leave. Major, major red flag, @bme94.

That's what I thought too. He said this as I was trying to break up with him, so I don't know if he was just really angry or truly meant that. Eventually I broke down and couldn't go through with it. He kept saying that no other guy is going to want to be with you if you can't work out small problems.

 

[AsianPersuasion]

Sweetie, if his a** is not pumping blood from your heart to your brain and at the same time doesn't provide you with a sense of healthy wellness in your life, dump is a**. Seriously, if he's not any of the five F (friend, family, finance, feed you, and f**K you...I'm not kidding) he's just not worth it to keep around. Simple as that.

 

[bme94]

So why do you like a guy like that? DUMP DUMP DUMP! Plus you don't want an ungrateful guy like that living off your future pay check making you feel like the man of the house.

DUMP. That is all.

I don't really want to be in this relationship anymore. Everyone on here is saying to get out. I just have to work up the courage to get out, because last time it ended horribly.

 

[AsianPersuasion]

That's what I thought too. He said this as I was trying to break up with him, so I don't know if he was just really angry or truly meant that. Eventually I broke down and couldn't go through with it. He kept saying that no other guy is going to want to be with you if you can't work out small problems.

Telling you your career is trash and you have to pick him, is not a small problem...

 

[MaxPlancker]

I don't really want to be in this relationship anymore. Everyone on here is saying to get out. I just have to work up the courage to get out, because last time it ended horribly.

I know a friend whose BF refused to break up (LOL). She just moved out when he wasn't there LOL.

 

[22031 Alum]

Eventually I broke down and couldn't go through with it. He kept saying that no other guy is going to want to be with you if you can't work out small problems.

The way he is behaving is wrong. It's wrong, and it's 100% his own issues, not anything you've done or caused. Leave him yesterday. You can and will find someone better who helps you achieve your dreams, not tries to hold you back.

 

[meditative_premed]

I have definitely called this to his attention before, and he'll just chuckle and say, "Right, I'm abusive, okay." I didn't even know that was a normal thing to do. I've never experienced something like that before. All I get is constant arguing. One time I told him I didn't want to stay out until 10:30 (seems early but hear me out) because I was taking an MCAT practice exam the next morning, so I wanted to leave from his house a half an hour earlier. He just got really mad at me and told me a decent girlfriend wouldn't have even said that, and just dealt with that.

It is very typical behabior of abusers to try to make their victims feel as though they are the crazy ones, and to accomplish this they will make a joke out of the victim's accusations and brush it off. He will never admit to you that what he is doing is abusive, then he loses his power and you win. Please bring other people in your life into this situation, you don't seem to have the self-esteem right now to see that you need to leave asap, and that is not your fault. His behavior has been eroding your self-esteem for months, making you feel like you're not good enough for anyone but him. Please tell your parents, your friends, get outside perspectives. They can help guide you out of this relationship.

 

[hailbate]

No. You're so wrong it's kind of disgusting. Being discouraging and verbally abusive isn't just having "different desires"...

OP, dump this guy instantly. Good luck, and realize that you deserve better in the future

Oh I wasn't aware you know of OP's relationship on a personal level. I'm simply trying to understand this from the viewpoint of the boyfriend, since everyone wants to jump to conclusions...

 

[aalamruad]

Oh I wasn't aware you know of OP's relationship on a personal level. I'm simply trying to understand this from the viewpoint of the boyfriend, since everyone wants to jump to conclusions...

You must not have read the whole thread..

 

[meditative_premed]

.

 

[hailbate]

We always used to spend a fair amount of time together, and it was great. He was super sweet back then, and we never fought. That was before I had to do research and volunteering in addition to school. I completely understand what you're saying though - it may seem like limited, biased information. I always try to give both sides of the story, but it's hard when the only thing coming from his end is anger. Basically, there haven't been any positive things about the relationship in a while. When we do spend time together, I feel cared for at first, but the back of mind is always reminding me how he's hurt me with the yelling and telling me no one would ever put up with me and my study schedule.

He keep telling him that if he wants to leave the relationship, I understand, because it must be very stressful to date someone who is always busy. He still wants to stay with me, and wants to marry me and eventually have kids.

He doesn't have a lot of friends, I don't think. He says he has a lot of people that he talks to in his classes, and I believe him, but truthfully I'm pretty much the only person he hangs out with. Whereas I have a close group of friends, and sometimes he'll get mad if I try to choose to hang out with them over him. He'll say something like, "are you friends more important than me?"

So essentially he doesn't want to break up but still wants you to change your schedule around for him? Yeah I think it's best for both you guys to part ways for both of your guys' good.

I actually do empathize with your boyfriend in some aspects cause there was definitely a span of time in my relationship where I didn't have a whole lot of friends and I clung onto my SO like hell. It seriously sucked ass being in that type of position cause, well, no one likes to feel lonely. We were both in high school still, so not exactly the same situation, but nonetheless it was having a negative effect on our relationship since because we would spend so much time together, a lot of fighting/annoyance would occur. And I definitely used to get jealous at her whenever she went out to hang out with her friends while I spent the night miserable. And that sounds really selfish, but I mean you can't help but feel that way regardless of how happy you are for them to be having fun (cause I mean you want to have fun with them).

Thankfully I moved out of that phase in college once I found a social life outside of my SO, but the point I really want to hit home is that I really encourage you to encourage him to go out more and find things to do outside his life, whether you guys are still together at that point or not, cause it will benefit him and you in the long run. Being in his situation sucks, but it doesn't benefit anyone if its dragging you down as well, and it will let him understand the idea of personal space and having a life outside your SO and being okay with not seeing them for a period of time without losing your mind.

 

[hailbate]

You must not have read the whole thread..

Yes, I just read everything after I responded, and I totally agree with everyone else.

 

[Cytokine2014]

I don't really want to be in this relationship anymore. Everyone on here is saying to get out. I just have to work up the courage to get out, because last time it ended horribly.

So, saying no one else would put up with you is actually an extremely common red flag that indicates an abusive partner. Another HUGE red flag is that he doesn't take you seriously when you tell him that his behavior is abusive. Anyone with the appropriate amount of respect and compassion for you would take that VERY VERY seriously.

If you are worried about how he will react if you try to leave him, there are definitely some options for how to handle that for your own comfort/safety. If you'd like some help figuring out resources or thinking through a safety plan, please feel free to PM me and I'd be happy to help you connect with support resources in your area. I've been through this process with other folks before, and would be happy to help. You deserve better than this kind of treatment, and in general these things tend to get worse over time. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you could use some support.

 

[operaman]

1) my experience has been that 2 years is the maximum time someone can suppress their crazy in a relationship. Looks like you guys have passed this point and he's letting his crazy flag fly.

2) he's trying to use guilt to control you. Not cool, but not uncommon especially in younger guys. Yes, in one sense people should prioritize a serious relationship over their career, but that doesn't mean giving up their career before it's even started for some abusive tool. Yeah, if you end up engaged to one of your med school classmates, you'll probably want to couples match even if it means not getting your personal number one choice. When you finish training and are looking for your first job, if you're married you'll probably want to make decisions like that together taking into account your collective priorities. No, what he's asking is something totally different. This is an insecure guy trying to control you and using guilt to do it.

3) you absolutely without a doubt have more free time now than you will have ever ever again until you retire. If he can't handle it now, there is zero hope that things on your end will improve to the point it becomes tolerable to him.

4) the way nonmedical people manage a relationship with someone in medicine is by having a robust and active life of their own. They have to learn that no plans are ever 100% final - something can always come up last minute. It may be a practice mcat now; it'll be something more serious later. Staying late and missing a dinner date because a patient is crumping is not putting your career above the relationship, it's about putting another person's life above the relationship in that moment. The doctor owes it to their SO to let them know something has come up as soon as they can do they don't worry. The Successful SO will be understanding and then do his own thing.

5) without a doubt you will find someone who will be understanding and work with your new career. It will likely be someone else who is also in the field. But he and his family are nuts if they truly think you'll never find someone more understanding of your career. It reminds of when I was an a new ms1 and felt like such a loser because I was going to the library to study on a Friday night - I mean, who does that?! Got to the library and found half my class already there. You will surely find many likeminded people along your career path.

Sorry you have to deal with this crap. It definitely gets better!

 

[Goro]

Your boyfriend is excessively needy, selfish, immature, manipulative, and is actively trying to sabotage your medical career.

I'd same the same things to my own daughter if she were in your shoes.

You're going to have to study a LOT in med school, even more than you are right now. What will his reaction be to that?

As hard as breaking up is, even if you weren't pursuing a career, this relationship is unhealthy, one-sided, and needs to end. There's a Jack for every Jill in this world, but he's not the Jack for you.

EDIT: if you need help with this, get to your school's counseling or therapy center STAT!!!!

Don't be a non-compliant patient. You're going to have plenty of those on your own as a doctor.

Hi,

I'm in need of some serious advice. I am a pre-med major planning to take my MCAT during the summer and apply this cycle. I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. He's not a pre-med major. Everything was fine when I only had school to concentrate on. As soon as I started getting involved in research positions and volunteering, the relationship went downhill. He was always (and still is) getting upset/angry with me for how much I study. I do study a lot, but I don't know if it's any more than what the normal pre-med student would do.

He tells me I study way too much, and that he should be my number one priority because that's what decent human beings do - put significant others first before their schoolwork/career. I told him I'm trying to do as best as I can to balance him and schoolwork, and that medical school is my dream. He told me I'm not doing very good job, and there are tons of pre-med students that successfully balance school and relationships (I'm sure there are, but he really doesn't "know" anyone specifically). He gets super angry and has shouted at me before because we only see each other for two days a week, maybe for 4-5 hours at time. This a lot of time for me, and stresses me out. There was even one time where I was late to a date because I taking a 7 hour MCAT practice exam, and he got super angry and told me to not even bother showing up.

I've tried to get him to come to the library with me but he refuses, and that's it not quality time together. He's also hinted numerous times before that he'd rather I do something easier like optometry, so I'd have more time for him. He also tells me I'm wasting my life away studying...but I don't really mind studying so much.

What do I do? Has anyone else been in a stressful situation like this? Thanks.

Wow, thank you so much for your advice everyone. I've tried breaking up with him before - but he ended up convincing me that I would have plenty of time to study and date him.

 

[yeasureyoubetcha]

I don't really want to be in this relationship anymore. Everyone on here is saying to get out. I just have to work up the courage to get out, because last time it ended horribly.

Just cease all forms of communication with him and stop seeing him if possible. I don't think that requires any confrontation and could in fact be what is easiest for you to move forward without feeling stressed about it. Block his number/FB whatever else there is.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[Lebowski9]

Remember when Dumbledore had to drink the Emerald potion , how terrible it was? In the end though, it was worth it, and Harry had to stick to the plan and make sure it was drank no matter how hard Dumbledore pleaded for Harry to kill him. It's not going to be easy cutting it off, no doubt about that. If you're going to dump him, prepare to hear every excuse and be guilted out of your mind. The key though is to stick to the plan : end it. You might feel like a jerk but I promise that will pass and you'll thank yourself. Nobody deserves to be with someone that isn't their #1 fan.

 

[medhopeful82]

Sounds like you guys really want each other to succeed in life, and that's really great. I understand why they get upset also - it's hard to come to terms with the fact that your significant other is constantly busy. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea. But he's told me numerous times that no one would ever put up with my study schedule, and if I don't work things out with him, I'm never going to have another relationship.

Red flag!! My ex totally convinced me to believe this too!! So I had settled in not being married //in a significant relationship until after med school since that was #1 priority.... Then comes along my now fiance totally supportive and even pushing me to do more and be better (in a good way!)

Don't ever believe that everyone will be annoyed by you or your study habits that's simply false. There are men out there that are supportive loving and encouraging of anything you want to do! Please leave him, it'll be the best decision you ever made. It took me over a year of break up/back together but seriously couldn't be happier I did it!!

 

[gmbz]

My Fiancé is 100% behind medical school and OUR path forward. The requirements for medical school are steep and tough. However, if you always realize that the time outside of school is your SO's time, you will be great.

This is true for marriage as well.

 

[Meddizzle]

Sounds like your current SO is more concerned with his own needs than yours, a sign of narcissism and a bad relationship. You can and will find someone who will support your current dreams and desires, you should never allow someone to hold you back for their own needs. Nothing you are doing is wrong, and it sounds like he just doesn't have much of an exciting life outside of hanging with you, which is why he wants to spend more time with you even at the cost of pulling you away from your own goals. Not good.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[efle]

I'd react pretty terribly to my SO only having 8 hrs/week for me too. He certainly isn't handling it great, but he also doesn't sound like an abusive rotten human being to me.

Clearly your relationship can't go on in present circumstances. Consider, though, regardless of whether you two break it off: if you can only scrounge up 8-10 hours a week for the things you love outside of this damn premed game, you might want to cut back somewhere. That sounds like a path to burnout and not at all how you should be living as a college student.

 

[rudyin78]

THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF A TEXTBOOK DOMESTIC ABUSE SITUATION. GET OUT NOW!

I'm not saying that he will necessarily become physically abusive, but all of the domestic abuse cases that i've encountered (why did she stay? they were married for 15 years and no one knew. she was scared to leave. etc.etc.etc.) started out this way. A relationship in which someone uses guilt to manipulate, demands (in a disrespectful manner) that you put them before yourself, limits your potential, and all of the other things you mentioned is very likely to become an abusive one. If you don't feel comfortable being yourself and expressing your desires, you are already in an abusive relationship.

Please please please dump him immediately. This is a serious situation.

 

[Benjoe11]

So what's the general consensus here? Should she dump him ooooor....? /s

 

[hopefulERdoc251]

Wow, I wish my significant other was that understanding. It would mean the world to me if he did something like your boyfriend did (bringing food, lattes) but he's just not that kind of a person. It's hard, because I've been wanting to end it for a while, but he convinced me that no other guys would put up with my study schedule like this for two years. Even his family agreed with him...

I would like to disagree with this lmao. In any field if one wants to advance or be successful, it takes a considerable amount of commitment, sacrifice and dedication. If he can't accept you for what you want to be, then in 5 years, 10 years, it's just going to escalate and become worse. Also, the emotional manipulation will get worse as well.

 

[businesscasual12]

It is bulls*** that he is saying that no other guys would put up with this. OP, I used to date someone like that as well: emotionally trying, only ever wanted to hang out, but wouldn't count studying at the lib as quality time, was whiny, in a less time-consuming major, etc. Our goals did not line up, so I dumped him.

Later, I found my current SO who I have been dating for 3 yrs. Very supportive, even to the extent of moving to be with me in the city in which my dream med school is that I will be attending it. He is in a related field for grad work, but not medicine. Regardless, IF he and his family both don't agree with how you see things and that med school and becoming a physician are priorities, then that is not only not a good bf match, but not a good future family match (depending on how serious you are or were). There are plenty of guys without ego-complexes that are willing to date a woman who will end up more successful that himself.

 

[Dro133]

There are plenty of guys without ego-complexes that are willing to date a woman who will end up more successful that himself.

Lol, I love this line of reasoning. "If my SO doesn't agree to put their life on the backburner in order to enable me to pursue my dreams, then they are an ego-maniac (and possibly sexist)."

Please. Yes, there will always be those saints out there who are willing to make major sacrifices to date/marry a physician/physician-to-be, but let's not kid ourselves and label people who display what is, in actuality, normal behavior for a human being, as ego-maniacs. The amount of self-importance we display here sometimes is incredible.

 

[businesscasual12]

Regardless, everyone has different priorities, and you shouldn't have to try to forcefully line up priorities with someone who won't try to see your side. It is not worth it (if you have actually been through it). And I'll take my "saint" any day

 

[Dro133]

Regardless, everyone has different priorities, and you shouldn't have to try to forcefully line up priorities with someone who won't try to see your side. It is not worth it (if you have actually been through it). And I'll take my "saint" any day

100% agreed, and good for you for knowing what it is you need from an SO and finding it

 

[bme94]

So essentially he doesn't want to break up but still wants you to change your schedule around for him? Yeah I think it's best for both you guys to part ways for both of your guys' good.

I actually do empathize with your boyfriend in some aspects cause there was definitely a span of time in my relationship where I didn't have a whole lot of friends and I clung onto my SO like hell. It seriously sucked ass being in that type of position cause, well, no one likes to feel lonely. We were both in high school still, so not exactly the same situation, but nonetheless it was having a negative effect on our relationship since because we would spend so much time together, a lot of fighting/annoyance would occur. And I definitely used to get jealous at her whenever she went out to hang out with her friends while I spent the night miserable. And that sounds really selfish, but I mean you can't help but feel that way regardless of how happy you are for them to be having fun (cause I mean you want to have fun with them).

Thankfully I moved out of that phase in college once I found a social life outside of my SO, but the point I really want to hit home is that I really encourage you to encourage him to go out more and find things to do outside his life, whether you guys are still together at that point or not, cause it will benefit him and you in the long run. Being in his situation sucks, but it doesn't benefit anyone if its dragging you down as well, and it will let him understand the idea of personal space and having a life outside your SO and being okay with not seeing them for a period of time without losing your mind.

I see where you're coming from, and I also see where my boyfriend is coming from. Some people just don't have giant circles of close friends, and that's okay. I've tried encouraging him to go out and try to do things with his friends, but he just kind of shrugs the idea off. He says that hanging out with my friends like I do is more of a girl thing, and not a guy thing.

 

[bme94]

So, saying no one else would put up with you is actually an extremely common red flag that indicates an abusive partner. Another HUGE red flag is that he doesn't take you seriously when you tell him that his behavior is abusive. Anyone with the appropriate amount of respect and compassion for you would take that VERY VERY seriously.

If you are worried about how he will react if you try to leave him, there are definitely some options for how to handle that for your own comfort/safety. If you'd like some help figuring out resources or thinking through a safety plan, please feel free to PM me and I'd be happy to help you connect with support resources in your area. I've been through this process with other folks before, and would be happy to help. You deserve better than this kind of treatment, and in general these things tend to get worse over time. Please don't hesitate to let me know if you could use some support.

Thank you for your advice, I really do appreciate it. I don't think he'd ever hurt me physically. When I tried to break up with him he really did hurt me emotionally and broke me down to a point where I couldn't follow through with what I intended to do. I know breaks ups are never taken easily, but I had no idea he would yell at me, make sarcastic remarks, and ultimately convince me it was a good idea to stay with him.

 

[bme94]

Just cease all forms of communication with him and stop seeing him if possible. I don't think that requires any confrontation and could in fact be what is easiest for you to move forward without feeling stressed about it. Block his number/FB whatever else there is.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

Yeah, that's probably a good idea. When I tried doing it before, he kept calling me back.

 

[bme94]

Remember when Dumbledore had to drink the Emerald potion , how terrible it was? In the end though, it was worth it, and Harry had to stick to the plan and make sure it was drank no matter how hard Dumbledore pleaded for Harry to kill him. It's not going to be easy cutting it off, no doubt about that. If you're going to dump him, prepare to hear every excuse and be guilted out of your mind. The key though is to stick to the plan : end it. You might feel like a jerk but I promise that will pass and you'll thank yourself. Nobody deserves to be with someone that isn't their #1 fan.

You just made my day for referencing HP, and thank you

 

[bme94]

I'd react pretty terribly to my SO only having 8 hrs/week for me too. He certainly isn't handling it great, but he also doesn't sound like an abusive rotten human being to me.

Clearly your relationship can't go on in present circumstances. Consider, though, regardless of whether you two break it off: if you can only scrounge up 8-10 hours a week for the things you love outside of this damn premed game, you might want to cut back somewhere. That sounds like a path to burnout and not at all how you should be living as a college student.

Yeah, like I said earlier, I don't know how other couples are or how another person in his position would react. I wasn't sure if I was being completely unreasonable or if he was.

 

[Chelsea FC]

So since you be needing a new boyfriend now .,.. "clears throat"

 

[bme94]

Lol, I love this line of reasoning. "If my SO doesn't agree to put their life on the backburner in order to enable me to pursue my dreams, then they are an ego-maniac (and possibly sexist)."

Please. Yes, there will always be those saints out there who are willing to make major sacrifices to date/marry a physician/physician-to-be, but let's not kid ourselves and label people who display what is, in actuality, normal behavior for a human being, as ego-maniacs. The amount of self-importance we display here sometimes is incredible.

This is why it's such a difficult situation. I understand the other perspectives on here, but I also understand yours. It's hard to know at what point putting yourself first (in terms of school/a career) is just wrong.

 

[bme94]

Regardless, everyone has different priorities, and you shouldn't have to try to forcefully line up priorities with someone who won't try to see your side. It is not worth it (if you have actually been through it). And I'll take my "saint" any day

Right, it seems like his priority is to have a relationship and have a family. He basically thinks I'm a horrible human being for putting school first before a relationship.

 

[Cytokine2014]

Thank you for your advice, I really do appreciate it. I don't think he'd ever hurt me physically. When I tried to break up with him he really did hurt me emotionally and broke me down to a point where I couldn't follow through with what I intended to do. I know breaks ups are never taken easily, but I had no idea he would yell at me, make sarcastic remarks, and ultimately convince me it was a good idea to stay with him.

Regardless... It can never hurt to have support. I've been through a similar situation myself and I know firsthand how painful and scary it can be. For what it's worth... The words of someone with ulterior motives like his - to control you - simply cannot be true.

People who are emotionally abusive like this can escalate when they're challenged, so it may still be worth making a safety plan and connecting with resources. Sending support.




Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile app

 

[meditative_premed]

This is why it's such a difficult situation. I understand the other perspectives on here, but I also understand yours. It's hard to know at what point putting yourself first (in terms of school/a career) is just wrong.

It's not wrong to put yourself and your career first when you are literally maybe 19 or 20 years old in college. This is not the time to drop everything for your needy, controlling boyfriend.

 

[efle]

Yeah, like I said earlier, I don't know how other couples are or how another person in his position would react. I wasn't sure if I was being completely unreasonable or if he was.

It's pretty unreasonable to try and have a serious relationship based on 8 hours of contact per week. It's also unreasonable to tell someone to lower their career aspirations at 20 to be with you. You two are just incompatible under the circumstances. But like I said, you should have more than that much time for yourself. You're only in college.

 

[Saifa]

Show bf thread ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[yeasureyoubetcha]

Yeah, that's probably a good idea. When I tried doing it before, he kept calling me back.

That's why you need to block any medium through which he can contact you, and resist the temptation to unblock them.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[Dro133]

This is why it's such a difficult situation. I understand the other perspectives on here, but I also understand yours. It's hard to know at what point putting yourself first (in terms of school/a career) is just wrong.

I don't think there's necessarily a "right" or a "wrong" here -- it's all about what you value and prioritize in life. The lazy, unambitious couch potato is no more "right or wrong" than the hard-working pre-med, and vice versa; they are simply two different lifestyle choices.

That being said, I know that understanding what one's values are is an extremely difficult thing to do at this age. I'm a few years older than you and struggling with these questions as well. What I would advise is to think long and hard about what your values are, and then make the changes needed to align your life closer to those values. Talking to a professional counselor can make this process much easier -- I know this from experience.

Good luck.

 

[bme94]

It's pretty unreasonable to try and have a serious relationship based on 8 hours of contact per week. It's also unreasonable to tell someone to lower their career aspirations at 20 to be with you. You two are just incompatible under the circumstances. But like I said, you should have more than that much time for yourself. You're only in college.

Yeah, I understand both sides. Most of my time goes into MCAT studying and school work. If it weren't for the MCAT, it would probably a lot easier to balance both a relationship and school.