Funniest Chief Complaints
Started by Dr JPH
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so did she, apparently.
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Ok I gotta know more about this one. Even just background info cause this is too amusing
Ok I gotta know more about this one. Even just background info cause this is too amusing
My understanding of the situation from speaking with the "friend" that brought her to the ED was that they were in some sort of fetish group who was into some crazy stuff. They described some sort of crazy contraption with a large funnel as sort of the conclusion of what sounded like a pretty indiscriminate orgy... Needless to say it was an interesting history to take esp since the "friend" was obviously under the influence of at least one substance.
I heard she did well inpatient on ventilation with PEEP but later developed hpv pneumonitis.
I've had a handful of crazy cases, who would have known ppl were so crazy here in the midwest.
Reason for [psychiatry] consult: "If they don't want to see me naked, they're just going to have to get used to it. They were all naked in the streets in Japan."
Patient's own words (obviously) written verbatim at the top of the consult sheet.
Patient's own words (obviously) written verbatim at the top of the consult sheet.
As a med student I had a guy schedule an outpatient visit with a general surgeon expecting to get a hernia repair *that* afternoon. Dunno how they get around anesthesia but apparently in his country, that's how it's done. Also had a lady with severe vulvar itching x 3 years come into the urgent care clinic demanding to get a vulvar biopsy. When the attending told her she doesn't do vulvar biopsies and referred her to derm the patient threw a tantrum and cried. And she had 2 toddlers in tow.
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I still catch myself on dictations saying pus'sy rather than purulent. Oops 😳
Come again? I first I thought you were talking about a keg stand or something. Then it sunk in.
Yeah, the Midwest may have the wholesome reputation, but she's a freak in the sheets. (I moved here from the east coast for med school, and have seen some unexpected stuff). Actually, both positive and negative, so I'm glad I kept an open mind. Maybe I should reconsider any prejudices I have against the deep South and Texas, while I'm at it.
(No offense to those of you in those places - just haven't lived there and will admit that I have preconceived notions)
Zing.
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This one just happened about 2hr ago while seeing a 30-ish y/o gentleman who presented to the ED with his mom.
CC per patient's mom: "He a waterhead baby. We just want you to check his goofy ass out."
Apparently, the patient and his mom were worried that his congenital hydrocephalus may have returned.
CC per patient's mom: "He a waterhead baby. We just want you to check his goofy ass out."
Apparently, the patient and his mom were worried that his congenital hydrocephalus may have returned.
Any guy > 18 who shows up to the ER with their mom is a guaranteed disaster !!! 🙂
Yep, I've seen people on full disability for an anxiety disorder..
As if there was any doubt in your head, the insides of their homes are exactly as you'd expect. 50" flat screen TV, xbox/ps3, computer with wireless internet, surround sound, a car that probably has $20k-$30k invested in it. I work fire/ems in one of these neighborhoods, it's absolutely maddening, and we see the same patients you see; asthma patient who can't afford her albuterol (but has a carton of cigs and a case of beer nearby), morbidly obese patients smoking while on oxygen c/o COPD exacerbation, diabetics who seemingly refuse to keep their blood sugar in order.... but I digress..
I too ask myself how long this system is sustainable. Every one of these patients that we stack into the ER (which will invariably go on diversion) is costing ME money <sigh>
Sorry, I'm just a lowly medic, but here's my contribution
CC: "I'm ****ing dyin man!!"
A/P - Meth addict coming down off a 7 day binge, demanded transport
CC: "I'm ****ing dyin man!!"
A/P - Meth addict coming down off a 7 day binge, demanded transport
Ways to tell your day has gone horribly wrong:
Holy ****.
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"I tried to get high by injecting myself with a Epipen that expired 3 years ago."
HPV pneumonitis lady sounds like she has the worst luck ever.
Patient in ortho clinic that sprained his ankle...
"I have sirus (he meant psoriasis)...you know...it's the sickness that...where I, I...produce too much white cells...so much that they push out my pores (lifts pant leg and shows plaques)...but I have extra strong immune system...I heal faster than everyone else and I never get sick... (imagine an Eastern Kentucky Hillbilly describing his powers equivalent to Wolverine).
Me...
"I have sirus (he meant psoriasis)...you know...it's the sickness that...where I, I...produce too much white cells...so much that they push out my pores (lifts pant leg and shows plaques)...but I have extra strong immune system...I heal faster than everyone else and I never get sick... (imagine an Eastern Kentucky Hillbilly describing his powers equivalent to Wolverine).
Me...
Around 11 pm in the ER:
Me: What brings you in, sir?
Pt: I went to a restaurant and ate.
Me: Did something happen at the restaurant, sir?
Pt: Nah, I just ate.
Me: Then why are you here?
Pt: *points at the paramedic* he brought me
Me: Why is he here? He claims he was just at the restaurant, eating.
Paramecic: Yup. He came into the restaurant, went to each table, reached in the customers' plates and sampled their meals. After 20 minutes of trying to get him to stop, the owner called 911.
Me: Ok sir, someone from psych will come down to talk to you.
Pt: No, b*tch, I ain't crazy. I was just hungry.
Me: What brings you in, sir?
Pt: I went to a restaurant and ate.
Me: Did something happen at the restaurant, sir?
Pt: Nah, I just ate.
Me: Then why are you here?
Pt: *points at the paramedic* he brought me
Me: Why is he here? He claims he was just at the restaurant, eating.
Paramecic: Yup. He came into the restaurant, went to each table, reached in the customers' plates and sampled their meals. After 20 minutes of trying to get him to stop, the owner called 911.
Me: Ok sir, someone from psych will come down to talk to you.
Pt: No, b*tch, I ain't crazy. I was just hungry.
bump
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CC: "I got hit with his penis across the face"
A/P: Blunt traumatic injury to the right mandible. No evidence of fracture, give NSAIDs, come back in 3 weeks for followup.
Either this guy has a penis made of concrete or she makes up some really bad stories.
A/P: Blunt traumatic injury to the right mandible. No evidence of fracture, give NSAIDs, come back in 3 weeks for followup.
Either this guy has a penis made of concrete or she makes up some really bad stories.
Sure beats the "I fell down some stairs" excuse.
D
deleted245139
A few yrs back while I was working in the ED as a Tech:
Me- "sir what brings you in today"
Guy - "my wife and I... can I just speak with the doctor"?
15 min later, xray showed this, just below the diaphragm:
poor guy... she just dropped him off at the ED and bailed lol
Immediate transport to surgery
Me- "sir what brings you in today"
Guy - "my wife and I... can I just speak with the doctor"?
15 min later, xray showed this, just below the diaphragm:
poor guy... she just dropped him off at the ED and bailed lol
Immediate transport to surgery
cc: I'm tired and very lonely. Also my neighbor is dying of cancer and he looks really sick and puffy. That scared me so I came to the ER.
Pt with long standing cancer came is to the Er because she was lonely... Kinda sad actually. All labs normal, SW had a chat with her and she went home.
Pt with long standing cancer came is to the Er because she was lonely... Kinda sad actually. All labs normal, SW had a chat with her and she went home.
cc: "bump on my leg"
I walk in the room, and the patient is this flamboyant guy sitting primly on the exam table instead of on the chair
me: What brings you in today?
pt (pulls out a list from his pocket): I have a rash in my mouth, bump on my leg that went away, etc, etc
me: ok, tell me more about the rash in your mouth
pt: well, I have sex with multiple guys and I always tell them not to come in my mouth, but sometimes they do and I think I have herpes in my mouth.
me: hmm hmm
pt: I know it's bad for them to come in my mouth, so I put some bleach and lysol in a little water and wash my mouth really well when that happens, but I don't know, I still may have gotten something.
me: Ahh 🙂eek: on the inside)
pt: I went to a oral surgeon this morning and he said my tongue looks weird because I've been abusing it by having too much oral sex. Do you think that's the problem? (said this with a totally straight face)
I wonder what oral surgeon that was
I walk in the room, and the patient is this flamboyant guy sitting primly on the exam table instead of on the chair
me: What brings you in today?
pt (pulls out a list from his pocket): I have a rash in my mouth, bump on my leg that went away, etc, etc
me: ok, tell me more about the rash in your mouth
pt: well, I have sex with multiple guys and I always tell them not to come in my mouth, but sometimes they do and I think I have herpes in my mouth.
me: hmm hmm
pt: I know it's bad for them to come in my mouth, so I put some bleach and lysol in a little water and wash my mouth really well when that happens, but I don't know, I still may have gotten something.
me: Ahh 🙂eek: on the inside)
pt: I went to a oral surgeon this morning and he said my tongue looks weird because I've been abusing it by having too much oral sex. Do you think that's the problem? (said this with a totally straight face)
I wonder what oral surgeon that was
cc: "bump on my leg"
I walk in the room, and the patient is this flamboyant guy sitting primly on the exam table instead of on the chair
me: What brings you in today?
pt (pulls out a list from his pocket): I have a rash in my mouth, bump on my leg that went away, etc, etc
me: ok, tell me more about the rash in your mouth
pt: well, I have sex with multiple guys and I always tell them not to come in my mouth, but sometimes they do and I think I have herpes in my mouth.
me: hmm hmm
pt: I know it's bad for them to come in my mouth, so I put some bleach and lysol in a little water and wash my mouth really well when that happens, but I don't know, I still may have gotten something.
me: Ahh 🙂eek: on the inside)
pt: I went to a oral surgeon this morning and he said my tongue looks weird because I've been abusing it by having too much oral sex. Do you think that's the problem? (said this with a totally straight face)
I wonder what oral surgeon that was
I think I would have had to leave or else I would have laughed. LOUDLY
Not really a CC, but as I was assessing a pt in the trauma OR before inducing him -- dude was shot in the leg and would be getting a fasciotomy.
Me: "Are you feeling OK? Are you in much pain now?" (before moving him over to the OR table)
Pt: "My leg's getting really numb, and I'm anxious that I'm gonna lose my leg. I've been shot before, and I didn't know it could be this bad! Don't let me lose my leg!"
Apparently the dude was shot a couple times before, and now he said he's gonna turn over a new leaf since he really didn't realize getting shot was a bad thing that could lead to being hurt badly.
Me: "Are you feeling OK? Are you in much pain now?" (before moving him over to the OR table)
Pt: "My leg's getting really numb, and I'm anxious that I'm gonna lose my leg. I've been shot before, and I didn't know it could be this bad! Don't let me lose my leg!"
Apparently the dude was shot a couple times before, and now he said he's gonna turn over a new leaf since he really didn't realize getting shot was a bad thing that could lead to being hurt badly.
Are you serious? People on disability give birth all the time. There's a lot that goes into being on disability, it doesn't necessarily mean you're on bedrest 24/7. I'm sure glad you're not my doctor, and f#&ks like you are one of the reasons I'm going into medicine. . .people need doctors that actually know what they're talking about.
👍
The reason I was on disability was BECAUSE I was pregnant. I started dilating at 4 months and was on bedrest until my son was born.
"My pipe hurts"
Oh wait that's from Futurama.
Oh wait that's from Futurama.
CC: "I'm afraid someone is going steal my urn"
Me: "What's in the urn?"
Pt: "My father."
Me: "Oh, well, where do you keep the urn?"
Pt: "Under my pillow. I sleep on it."
Me: "Well that's pretty safe"
Me: "What's in the urn?"
Pt: "My father."
Me: "Oh, well, where do you keep the urn?"
Pt: "Under my pillow. I sleep on it."
Me: "Well that's pretty safe"
In all fairness, there are LOTS of people who abuse disability and doctors often just sign off on it instead of dealing with the BS.
let's keep the discussion in this thread civil. Thanks.
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From last year...
CC: 15 yo f with abd pain
You guys know the drill, we did thorough h&p, kicked mom out of the room, did a sexual history, everything was negative. Finally the resident was like um idk, then asked me if I had any qs, so I asked "do you have any idea why you might be having this pain?"
She was like "not really... Well..."
"go on..."
"um idk if this is related, but a couple months ago I stuck a wiffle ball in my vag."
(thinking, wtf???)
"a couple months ago? Well that prolly isnt it..."
"no you don't understand, it's still up there." 😱
So we did a pelvic and her mucosa had grown thru the holes in the ball and we had to take her to the OR...
CC: 15 yo f with abd pain
You guys know the drill, we did thorough h&p, kicked mom out of the room, did a sexual history, everything was negative. Finally the resident was like um idk, then asked me if I had any qs, so I asked "do you have any idea why you might be having this pain?"
She was like "not really... Well..."
"go on..."
"um idk if this is related, but a couple months ago I stuck a wiffle ball in my vag."
(thinking, wtf???)
"a couple months ago? Well that prolly isnt it..."
"no you don't understand, it's still up there." 😱
So we did a pelvic and her mucosa had grown thru the holes in the ball and we had to take her to the OR...
Wow.
P.S.: One of our attendings told us a similar story that involved a drunk night between husband and wife and the mysterious disappearance of their pet parakeet...
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