Funniest Chief Complaints

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not a cc. but a true story from the trauma pit.... after doing an AMPLE history....


Student: Sir, what's the last thing you ate?
Intoxicated patient: p*ssy

Everyone stopped, looked at each, and proceeded with triaging the patient.
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More of a fun story from this AM:

Earlier in the morning, this cute little kid is peeking through the window on the door and waving at me... :hello:

Later, Dr. Attending and I are interviewing the kid.

Dr. Attending opens the chart.

Dr. Attending: So _______, why where you chasing your sister and babysitter with an axe?


(I'm on child psych)
 
This thread is too good. Just wasted the better part of the day reading it.
 
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Not a CC, but I once saw a drunk man drink his own urine out of one of those cardboard urinals. He even swirled it around to make sure he got the last drop.
 
christina30 said:
not a cc, but i once saw a drunk man drink his own urine out of one of those cardboard urinals. He even swirled it around to make sure he got the last drop.
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o.m.g.
 
Best one I got in intern year from the ED was "acute claw hand". I was so encephalopathic presenting it on rounds after being awake for 28 hours, that I was crying with laughter.
 
Scottish Chap said:
Best one I got in intern year from the ED was "acute claw hand". I was so encephalopathic presenting it on rounds after being awake for 28 hours, that I was crying with laughter.
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What in the world did "acute claw hand" turn out to be? :confused:
 
christina30 said:
Not a CC, but I once saw a drunk man drink his own urine out of one of those cardboard urinals. He even swirled it around to make sure he got the last drop.
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Some people drink their own urine as a health treatment. Supposedly, after you've drunk your urine for a few days, it runs clear. (Not saying I believe this, just so I've been told.) There is at least one UFC fighter who swears by the urine-drinking regimen.

I bet it acts as a great contraceptive, too. :)
 
Bleg said:
Some people drink their own urine as a health treatment. Supposedly, after you've drunk your urine for a few days, it runs clear. (Not saying I believe this, just so I've been told.) There is at least one UFC fighter who swears by the urine-drinking regimen.

I bet it acts as a great contraceptive, too. :)
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I don't think this was the case for this man. He was probably too drunk to realize he had just peed in that container moments earlier.
 
Bleg said:
Some people drink their own urine as a health treatment. Supposedly, after you've drunk your urine for a few days, it runs clear. (Not saying I believe this, just so I've been told.) There is at least one UFC fighter who swears by the urine-drinking regimen.

I bet it acts as a great contraceptive, too. :)
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So are you stooling a greater percentage of the non-h20 portion of urine than you are absorbing? I never really thought about what would happen, but I'd always assumed you'd wind up uremic or something if you did that continously (stuck on a raft in the ocean or whatever...)
 
Consultant (To HIV+ pregnant woman): We're going to have to start you on HAART treatment during the pregnancy
Her: I'm not taking them yolks
Consultant: And why is that?
Her: Last time they made me fat

(In STD Clinic)
Consultant: I'm afraid the tests confirm you have Syphilis
Patient: Ok. How did I get that?
 
MattD said:
So are you stooling a greater percentage of the non-h20 portion of urine than you are absorbing? I never really thought about what would happen, but I'd always assumed you'd wind up uremic or something if you did that continously (stuck on a raft in the ocean or whatever...)
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I've read (no idea where, probably not a reputable source anyways) that you can drink your urine 3-4 times (without any other H2O intake) before you become uremic.
 
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Aphasic said:
I've read (no idea where, probably not a reputable source anyways) that you can drink your urine 3-4 times (without any other H2O intake) before you become uremic.
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I don't even want to know what kind of studies were done to determine this. :eek:
 
Kittenmommy said:
I don't even want to know what kind of studies were done to determine this. :eek:
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They involved a contraption vaguely resembling a coffeemate coffeemaker, on a raft in the middle of the ocean. Granted the subject was a gilled mutant so you have to extrapolate the data to non-water breathers.

waterworld.jpg
 
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MattD said:
They involved a contraption vaguely resembling a coffeemate coffeemaker, on a raft in the middle of the ocean. Granted the subject was a gilled mutant so you have to extrapolate the data to non-water breathers.
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Color me intrigued. Is there a link to the published study?
 
MattD said:
If you quote "Costner et al." during rounds with a straight face I will give you HIGH FIVES!
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If I were a doctor I would totes do this tomorrow, and report back here with the reaction I'd gotten. :D
 
ER CC:
"I need to see a social worker about getting help paying my $1,600 electric bill"
(It was 2 AM)
 
At the VA hospital (emailed to me by friends working there):

M4: "What are your allergies?"
Pt: "Agent Orange."
M4: "What happens when you're exposed to that?"
Pt: "Rash."
============

Pt: "Puff the magic dragon!"
Team: quietly confused
Pt: "I farted!"

====================

CC: "I feel fluffy"
(turned out to be a patient very hypoglycemic)
 
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Not a CC, but a fun patient...

Guy admitted to our service for complaints of chest pain - no EKG changes, no elevation in enzymes, non-typical pain not relieved by nitro, but only morphine works for him, history of drug-seeking behavior. One way or another he managed to get onto a floor, and we told him we were going to discharge him without pain meds...

He comes stomping out of his room, gown flowing open in the back, yelling..."I'm havin' chest pain!! And I'm goin' to go outside to smoke! And...I'm havin' back pain!! (with a straight face while he's flailing his arms and pacing back and forth) And when I drop dead, mah baby's gonna be rich!! 'Cause I'm callin' mah lawyer!!"

Ok, sir.

Then he comes back from his smoke break..."I'm gonna' sue! And...I'm goin' to XXX hospital across the street, 'cause they know how to treat a patient!!! Mah' baby's gonna' be rich!!"

Ok, sir. Those two gentlemen are with security, you're going to have to go with them now.
 
In triage:

CC: Him! (pt nods to the police officer standing in the corner)
 
Gruff looking cattle rancher sporting a cowboy hat and boots comes into a suburban Fam Med clinic:

"well doc, my tally-wack is goin' off to the left, and when I get it goin' it almost goes clear down to Costa Rica!"
 
~7 y/o boy with bad circular periorbital laceration, caused by a broken soda bottle being thrust at his eye.

Doc: "Who did this to you?"
Boy: "my friend"
 
We had 2 guys who thought they were Jesus Christ at the same time. The attending's advice was "just keep them separated".
 
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Got a BLIND transcriptionist, and the reports would come back as a huge block of text (no paragraphs, little punctuation, no whie space, full of errors). It would take me forever to re-do his work.

Everybody dreaded getting him after they had dictated...luckily it was on a rotating basis so only got him about 10% of the time.
 
loveboatdoc said:
Got a BLIND transcriptionist, and the reports would come back as a huge block of text (no paragraphs, little punctuation, no whie space, full of errors). It would take me forever to re-do his work.

Everybody dreaded getting him after they had dictated...luckily it was on a rotating basis so only got him about 10% of the time.
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That's just lazy. Being blind doesn't mean you don't know where the enter key is.
 
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CC: "I'm balding."

CC: "I've got a screw loose." (Pt had a halo device with an actual screw loose...he was pulled into the ER quickly because he was creeping out everyone in the waiting room.)
 
Not a cc that I took but saw it in the H&P during rounds - my attending cracked up. :)
CC: Feeling crappy x3 days.
 
Bleg said:
Some people drink their own urine as a health treatment. Supposedly, after you've drunk your urine for a few days, it runs clear. (Not saying I believe this, just so I've been told.) There is at least one UFC fighter who swears by the urine-drinking regimen.

I bet it acts as a great contraceptive, too. :)
Click to expand...


When I worked in Honduras, pts often poured urine into eyes / ears to cure infections. They had no other options available to them, it seemed.
 
loveboatdoc said:
When I worked in Honduras, pts often poured urine into eyes / ears to cure infections. They had no other options available to them, it seemed.
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I think this was an ancient Roman practice (probably popular). It's recorded in the Talmud.
 
Patient: So I've been feeling really weird these past few months. It all started when my daughter gave me some brownies and I then later found out it had marijuana in it.
Me: :-/ as my resident is giggling in the back
 
I have been doing locums at a community health center.

cc: chapped lips
me: how long have you had this problem?
pt: my whole life
me: you don't have 50 cents for chapstick?
pt: no I'm a college student
me: how can I help you today?
pt: need samples of cream for my lips
me: ok, I sent him home with a bag of baby diaper rash cream
pt: thanks, you saved my life!!!

Really??? WTF? I went to school forever for this? Doesn't matter, I tell myself. I get paid by the hour.


In residency I had a pt in ER

CC: stabbed in eye with barbie doll
A/P Scratched cornea from barbie, toddler had thrown it at dad.
 
Not a chief complaint, but...

Schizophrenic patient wouldn't stop masturbating in the ER. Kept telling the female resident "oh baby I've got women lined up down the street for this but I'll take you right now". Then he turns to the male intern, "you aint bad looking yourself!"
 
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To be honest, I had never considered psych as even an option before this thread.
 
Oh man, I'd forgotten about this thread.

CC: "Doc, I've got a pain in my ass."
problem: huge perianal abscess that we took to the OR that day

CC: "I am the chosen one! **** you!"
problem: every psych issue you can think of, admission photo is her giving two angry middle fingers to the photographer

CC: "I need peanut butter and not none of that chunky stuff!"
problem: schizoaffective

CC: "I keep having these hot flashes"
problem: male pt. with a cold
 
Working in the ER I have seen my share of strange CC's such as

2 of the best phone calls ever:

Caller: How can I go about getting my psychologist (psychiatrist?) checked out by one of your docs?

Me: Sir, I'm not so sure you can force someone to see a doctor.

Caller: Well, I figured that. Well you can help me. What should I do? Every time I got to see her she holds me down and punches me in the face. She's a nice woman and all, I don't want her to get in trouble, just want her to stop punching me in the eye all the time.



Caller: This may sound silly but I have a question about my baby.

Me: Ok, go ahead.

Caller: I think my 1.5yr old may be constipated. I didn't have any medicine so I reached my finger in his "booty-hole" and he started screaming "OW! OW! OW!" Does that mean he's constipated?
 
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CP: Brad Pitt and Matt Damon are following me in disguises and trying to kill me.

CP: (Next morning after admission couldn't talk to him earlier as he got arrested and was really violent and then received haldol) I had this book in my room and I read something that really pertains to me: I am the alpha and the omega.
 
Caller: I think my 1.5yr old may be constipated. I didn't have any medicine so I reached my finger in his "booty-hole" and he started screaming "OW! OW! OW!" Does that mean he's constipated?[/QUOTE]

I had a patient with a good job, otherwise pretty normal/ college educated who decided he was constipated. Drank some ETOH in order to cut all the way up to his colon with a serrated knife, he had to get diverted. Oh the badness.
I mean there are just so many better options.
 
Had a father bring in his baby in the other night wrapped in layer after layer of clothing with a fever. When if he had checked the temp he said yes, so naturally I asked how high was it.

"around 108"

:O

Then I see the baby happily giggling and cooing despite it's 99.1 temperature.
 
Cc from triage note: "p'ussy discharge"

Rather than "purulent discharge"
Needless to say, it was a new nurse.
 
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