Husband dropped out of med school. Now what?

[XxXAtYourCervixXxX]

Two years ago, I married the love of my life. We were both in medical school, had known each other our whole lives, and didn't have a doubt in our minds that it was the right choice. I was a third year and he was a second year, so in order to match together, I decided to do my MPH between third and fourth year. To my knowledge, we were both doing well enough in school to make this decision to commit to each other.

Almost as soon as we got married, I learned some things he had been hiding from me. He had failed a couple classes during his first two years of school that he had to repeat. Not a huge deal, but I was surprised that he had never told me. Step 1 was coming up for him and I noticed that he wasn't putting in the time and effort in order to study. We had several talks about this, but I decided to trust him and let him take responsibility for his own education. Needless to say, he failed Step 1. In order to have more time to study, he decided to repeat second year. Just months after getting married this was obviously a huge blow, but I decided to support him in every way I could and stick with it together. He "studied" the whole year, still not putting in the effort that I know to be necessary to do well on Step. In the mean time, he shut all of our friends out of our lives, lied about how he was spending his year even to our friends, and lied to me about how he was progressing on his tests. We talked about how much it was bothering me but he never changed his behavior. Finally, June came around and it was time for him to attempt Step again. Instead of taking the test, he decided to quit medical school entirely, with a plan to do a PhD instead. I was leaving for an international rotation, and he promised that he would find a job and apply to school while I was gone. He had 6 weeks to do it, and neither of those things happened. In the mean time, I also found out that he was delinquent on rent for 6 months and we could no longer afford to live in our home.

Now, he got into a PhD program and is living at his parent's house while I am traveling the country for my interviews and away rotations. I feel so betrayed at this point and feel like I don't even know this person. I tried to be supportive for so long but almost feel like what has happened is irreconcilable. I get so excited thinking about my future in medicine, and finally feel like myself again not being associated with someone that I felt was slowly draining me in every way. I feel terrible because I know that he is struggling, and he really is a kind and selfless man that I feel like is in a hard place in life. But I can't help feeling like I married a fraud. My vows and belief in Christian marriage are what's stopping me from leaving, but I know that if we had just waited 6 months to get married we wouldn't even be together anymore.

I want to make clear that I don't care that my husband won't be a doctor. What makes me scared to continue our marriage is his lack of integrity and how horribly he dealt with the entire situation. Now that he's in a PhD program, we also will not be moving together when I move for residency and will have a long distance marriage for at least 2 years.

Has anyone been in this position before? Did you stay? Leave? I know this isn't necessarily a med student issue, but I felt that this community would understand this predicament in a way that others couldn't. Thanks!

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[DNC127]

Dump him. He wasn't the dude you thought you were marrying, so in my mind (also christian and highly value marriage) he broke the vows made opening the door for you to walk out.

 

[deleted245139]

Dump him. He wasn't the dude you thought you were marrying, so in my mind (also christian and highly value marriage) he broke the vows made opening the door for you to walk out.

Which vow did he break?

 

[OtterSpace]

I'm not sure anyone can give you a 'one size fits all' kinda answer OP. But my advice is that you consider what life could be like if you stay together & what it could be like if you don't. Do that while understanding that you are not responsible for his actions nor the consequences tied to them. Then the conclusion you arrive to, while not easy, should be the best choice.

People who are not ready for a relationship should not be in one. It's not good for you & it's honestly not good for them either.

 

[libertyyne]

People do weird things when they encounter failure. Especially people who have never really experienced failure before. It seems like your husband was having a difficult time in medical school. That being said, dump the chump. There is no reason for him to hide not paying rent for 6 months or not even discuss what his intentions are regarding education with you.

 

[operaman]

I generally try to shy away from offering advice on personal matters because these things are just too complex for outsiders to truly understand. That said, I think there are some time-limited issues in your case that may compel you to move faster.

No matter what you chose, I think you would do well to sit down with a good divorce attorney and discuss your situation and the potential legal ramifications of your choices. This is very state-specific and I am not even remotely close to being an attorney so take all of this with a large Lot's-wife-sized grain of salt. I have heard of divorces where one spouse's MD degree and it's associated earning power is considered a marital asset if it was earned during the marriage, something that could lead to a lifetime of support payments. There may be other potential pitfalls depending on how your state views such things. Different states have different separation periods before divorces are finalized - another thing to keep in mind regarding the potential for your degree to be tagged a marital asset. Definitely worth a couple hundred bucks to have a confidential conversation with an attorney and figure out the best way to protect yourself and your assets.

I don't know what to make of your husband. Many people who struggle in medical school and residency turn to denial and concealment as a coping mechanism; this obviously only works for so long. The other financial things are a huge red flag obviously. He sounds like someone who desperately needs professional help, something you are wholly unqualified to give him in this particular situation. Would he be open to it? I'm not talking couples counseling, I'm talking him alone seeing the appropriate professionals to get his personal issues sorted. Is this something worth saving if he could get these issues under control? See this is why I hate giving relationship advice because these are the big questions that really matter and there's absolutely no way anyone else has a clue as to the answer.

You will never have an easier way out than you do right now. No kids, minimal assets, and an impending major life change that will potentially take you far away from the mess so you can start over again. It's rare, but some people do get remarried after divorcing, so ending this marriage does not mean you two couldn't reconcile and remarry in the future under better circumstances.

I don't know what field you're planning to pursue but residency is hard on even the best marriages. It's hard to convey the level of fatigue and lack of time you will have as a resident; some rotations you will be hard pressed to keep up with your own ADLs. There is no chance you will be able to do anything to help this man remotely while you're exhausted and more stressed than you've ever been before.

 

[DNC127]

Which vow did he break?

Vow was probably a bad word to use, but lying about rent and such while intentionally not studying for a test that would heavily influence both of their lives does not sound like a dude with a vested interest in OP's well being or happiness.

 

[XxXAtYourCervixXxX]

I generally try to shy away from offering advice on personal matters because these things are just too complex for outsiders to truly understand. That said, I think there are some time-limited issues in your case that may compel you to move faster.

No matter what you chose, I think you would do well to sit down with a good divorce attorney and discuss your situation and the potential legal ramifications of your choices. This is very state-specific and I am not even remotely close to being an attorney so take all of this with a large Lot's-wife-sized grain of salt. I have heard of divorces where one spouse's MD degree and it's associated earning power is considered a marital asset if it was earned during the marriage, something that could lead to a lifetime of support payments. There may be other potential pitfalls depending on how your state views such things. Different states have different separation periods before divorces are finalized - another thing to keep in mind regarding the potential for your degree to be tagged a marital asset. Definitely worth a couple hundred bucks to have a confidential conversation with an attorney and figure out the best way to protect yourself and your assets.

I don't know what to make of your husband. Many people who struggle in medical school and residency turn to denial and concealment as a coping mechanism; this obviously only works for so long. The other financial things are a huge red flag obviously. He sounds like someone who desperately needs professional help, something you are wholly unqualified to give him in this particular situation. Would he be open to it? I'm not talking couples counseling, I'm talking him alone seeing the appropriate professionals to get his personal issues sorted. Is this something worth saving if he could get these issues under control? See this is why I hate giving relationship advice because these are the big questions that really matter and there's absolutely no way anyone else has a clue as to the answer.

You will never have an easier way out than you do right now. No kids, minimal assets, and an impending major life change that will potentially take you far away from the mess so you can start over again. It's rare, but some people do get remarried after divorcing, so ending this marriage does not mean you two couldn't reconcile and remarry in the future under better circumstances.

I don't know what field you're planning to pursue but residency is hard on even the best marriages. It's hard to convey the level of fatigue and lack of time you will have as a resident; some rotations you will be hard pressed to keep up with your own ADLs. There is no chance you will be able to do anything to help this man remotely while you're exhausted and more stressed than you've ever been before.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I know that the situation is much too intricate for me to explain or for strangers to understand over an anonymous post. I'm not expecting to find an easy answer in the responses that I get, but I do appreciate hearing different perspectives from others in medicine.

To add some clarity , he is seeking professional help and we have also seen a marriage counselor. I am proud of him for making this step, but it has also brought up some serious issues that I didn't know were there to begin with. For many reasons, I don't want to rush into a divorce, but it does seem like a time sensitive decision just because of the legal ramifications that you mentioned. I am thinking about all of these things and know that ultimately I am the only one who can make this choice, which is a bit overwhelming in the midst of also deciding where I want to live and train for the next four years.

I am going into OBGYN residency, which will be demanding enough on its own, so either way I am trying to sort out everything before then.

 

[You shall know the Truth]

I want to say that I feel horrible for your situation.

 

[Donald Juan]

All the dishonesty that took place here is pretty concerning. In fairness I've had good friends who failed step or had to repeat years, and it seems pretty standard for them to decide to lie about what's really going on, but you would hope he would at least be honest with his spouse.

 

[percyeye]

If he was being untruthful to you about numerous things and not telling the truth to your friends. And the signs of not paying rent and not telling you. I would imagine there are is a whole list of other things he hasn't told the truth on.

 

[Osminog]

Which vow did he break?

"I, [deadbeat slacker], take you, XxXAtYourCervixXxX, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."

Bad times arose, and OP's hubby failed to deliver.

 

[darknecrosforte]

"29 If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to depart into hell."
Matthew 5:29-30

The best case scenario is that he is an amazing house-husband whose exemplary character is something you wish your children to emulate. The odds are he lacks the conscientiousness and industriousness to be useful. He is not a forthright person and will make trusting him with the awesome/important job of running a household impossible. You don't want to be dealing with infidelity on either end, him due to how irresponsible people generally behave when allowed copious, unstructured free time, or you due to a high likelihood of growing contempt for his character and being around other decent "candidates" for lifetime partners.

It sucks, but from the Son of God himself, the divorce criteria are actually quite broad and have been met, imo. You even say that had you waited 6 months, you wouldn't even be married right now. Thank God you don't have children or assets to split.

 

[AutoclaveGuru]

Husband logs on to SDN, notices post, and says, "Poor dude glad its not me."

 

[Goro]

Two years ago, I married the love of my life. We were both in medical school, had known each other our whole lives, and didn't have a doubt in our minds that it was the right choice. I was a third year and he was a second year, so in order to match together, I decided to do my MPH between third and fourth year. To my knowledge, we were both doing well enough in school to make this decision to commit to each other.

Almost as soon as we got married, I learned some things he had been hiding from me. He had failed a couple classes during his first two years of school that he had to repeat. Not a huge deal, but I was surprised that he had never told me. Step 1 was coming up for him and I noticed that he wasn't putting in the time and effort in order to study. We had several talks about this, but I decided to trust him and let him take responsibility for his own education. Needless to say, he failed Step 1. In order to have more time to study, he decided to repeat second year. Just months after getting married this was obviously a huge blow, but I decided to support him in every way I could and stick with it together. He "studied" the whole year, still not putting in the effort that I know to be necessary to do well on Step. In the mean time, he shut all of our friends out of our lives, lied about how he was spending his year even to our friends, and lied to me about how he was progressing on his tests. We talked about how much it was bothering me but he never changed his behavior. Finally, June came around and it was time for him to attempt Step again. Instead of taking the test, he decided to quit medical school entirely, with a plan to do a PhD instead. I was leaving for an international rotation, and he promised that he would find a job and apply to school while I was gone. He had 6 weeks to do it, and neither of those things happened. In the mean time, I also found out that he was delinquent on rent for 6 months and we could no longer afford to live in our home.

Now, he got into a PhD program and is living at his parent's house while I am traveling the country for my interviews and away rotations. I feel so betrayed at this point and feel like I don't even know this person. I tried to be supportive for so long but almost feel like what has happened is irreconcilable. I get so excited thinking about my future in medicine, and finally feel like myself again not being associated with someone that I felt was slowly draining me in every way. I feel terrible because I know that he is struggling, and he really is a kind and selfless man that I feel like is in a hard place in life. But I can't help feeling like I married a fraud. My vows and belief in Christian marriage are what's stopping me from leaving, but I know that if we had just waited 6 months to get married we wouldn't even be together anymore.

I want to make clear that I don't care that my husband won't be a doctor. What makes me scared to continue our marriage is his lack of integrity and how horribly he dealt with the entire situation. Now that he's in a PhD program, we also will not be moving together when I move for residency and will have a long distance marriage for at least 2 years.

Has anyone been in this position before? Did you stay? Leave? I know this isn't necessarily a med student issue, but I felt that this community would understand this predicament in a way that others couldn't. Thanks!

Dear Abby by Abigail Van Buren

 

[RNthenDoc]

Stories like this terrify me a bit.

 

[Lucy Arnez]

Get an attorney asap and file for a divorce. Don't look back.

 

[Goro]

Which vow did he break?

Great question, but marriage is not a suicide pact either.

 

[Robin-jay]

"I, [deadbeat slacker], take you, XxXAtYourCervixXxX, to be my wife. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love you and honor you all the days of my life."

Bad times arose, and OP's hubby failed to deliver.

Or they could be failing each other. Two sides to every coin.

 

[deleted480308]

"29 If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to depart into hell."
Matthew 5:29-30

The best case scenario is that he is an amazing house-husband whose exemplary character is something you wish your children to emulate. The odds are he lacks the conscientiousness and industriousness to be useful. He is not a forthright person and will make trusting him with the awesome/important job of running a household impossible. You don't want to be dealing with infidelity on either end, him due to how irresponsible people generally behave when allowed copious, unstructured free time, or you due to a high likelihood of growing contempt for his character and being around other decent "candidates" for lifetime partners.

It sucks, but from the Son of God himself, the divorce criteria are actually quite broad and have been met, imo. You even say that had you waited 6 months, you wouldn't even be married right now. Thank God you don't have children or assets to split.

That’s an.....interesting......application of that passage

 

[You shall know the Truth]

That’s an.....interesting......application of that passage

I agree, it is a proof text.

 

[BombsAway]

That’s an.....interesting......application of that passage

It's all make-believe anyway.

Sounds like the hubby may have picked up one of the 7 deadly sins. One wonders where those 6 months of rent and all that time disappeared to.

Save yourself. Divorce now, before you're on the hook for attending alimony.

 

[cripplepundit]

lol no way would my wife have put up with that ****. i'd be out the door faster than you can flick a booger

 

[Newyawk]

too many holes in this story. I call major troll.

 

[Moose A Moose]

End well, this will not.

 

[JB50]

Haven't posted in a while cuz school but wtf. You guys are recommending over an internet forum to get a divorce? 2018 not looking good...

Your husband was dishonest. You need to address that first and heal those wounds before you can address the career change.

 

[jw3600]

Sounds like you married a bum.

 

[giantswing]

It's entirely possible he's depressed and this is a sx of it. Even if he is, and wether or not he chooses to seek help for it, you are not and shouldn't feel obligated to stay. I had a spouse that was depressed. He got better, but it took years and nearly destroyed our marriage. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I would never, ever do it again, nor recommend it to anyone else.

 

[Robin-jay]

SDN - where only the best marriage counselors work pro bono.

 

[DokterMom]

I get so excited thinking about my future in medicine, and finally feel like myself again not being associated with someone that I felt was slowly draining me in every way. I feel terrible because I know that he is struggling, and he really is a kind and selfless man that I feel like is in a hard place in life. But I can't help feeling like I married a fraud.

I want to make clear that I don't care that my husband won't be a doctor. What makes me scared to continue our marriage is his lack of integrity and how horribly he dealt with the entire situation.

These are the most important sentences in your post. Instead of turning to you for support and trusting you with the truth of his struggles and frailties, he lied to you. He concealed important facts and mislead you. He demonstrated a lack of integrity and lack of character that is a critical part of who he is. I'm sorry, but you did marry a fraud.

People do weird things when they encounter failure. Especially people who have never really experienced failure before. It seems like your husband was having a difficult time in medical school. That being said, dump the chump. There is no reason for him to hide not paying rent for 6 months or not even discuss what his intentions are regarding education with you.

Wise observation. It can be harder for some people to admit they're struggling and ask for help than to dissemble and conceal and self-sabotage themselves into the ground. But unless and until that changes, how could the OP ever fully trust him? And without trust, there's just no chance for a good marriage.

You will never have an easier way out than you do right now. No kids, minimal assets, and an impending major life change that will potentially take you far away from the mess so you can start over again.

Very, very true. And from what you've said, I can't see this guy digging out until he's hit rock bottom, which includes losing you. It may or may not ever happen - I hope it does - but you can't let him drag you down with him any further.

 

[michaelrack]

"
It sucks, but from the Son of God himself, the divorce criteria are actually quite broad and have been met, imo. You even say that had you waited 6 months, you wouldn't even be married right now. Thank God you don't have children or assets to split.

20 Top Divorce Bible Verses - What Does Scripture Say?

Matthew 19:8-9
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.
9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

 

[Goro]

20 Top Divorce Bible Verses - What Does Scripture Say?

Matthew 19:8-9
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.
9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

I prefer the poetry of the KJV. The modern translations are accessible to all, but inspiring to no one.

He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.

 

[darknecrosforte]

That’s an.....interesting......application of that passage

Except for the whole... you know... being one flesh thing...

 

[deleted480308]

Except for the whole... you know... being one flesh thing...

except for the whole, innaccurately using scripture thing......but whatever

 

[W19]

People tend to lie about their med school performance, but not paying rent for 6 months and hiding that from you is a huge red flag...

 

[Robin-jay]

What PhD program is he in now OP?

 

[XxXAtYourCervixXxX]

What PhD program is he in now OP?

Biomedical sciences. That way his first two years of med school classes count for credit and cut down on the time it takes him to finish.

 

[XxXAtYourCervixXxX]

too many holes in this story. I call major troll.

I truly wish I were making this up.

 

[Newyawk]

I truly wish I were making this up.

So you really arent afraid of him seeing this at all?

 

[JB50]

Name: AtYourCervix

U srs SDN?

 

[thatawkguy]

this situation makes @failedatlife seem like a winner. and here i am, a good looking guy doing above average in medical school and rich with no loans, and i cannot remember how sex feels because it has been so long. today in the operating room, the female resident was touching me a lot to maneuver, and it felt so good.

 

[jw3600]

this situation makes @failedatlife seem like a winner. and here i am, a good looking guy doing above average in medical school and rich with no loans, and i cannot remember how sex feels because it has been so long. today in the operating room, the female resident was touching me a lot to maneuver, and it felt so good.

wut

 

[Psai]

I was gonna read this thread but it was too fake
2/10 would not read again

 

[Gorne]

What happened to the days of good, quality trolling? Make trolling great again.

 

[Crayola227]

Which vow did he break?

love, honor, cherish

didn't commit adultery *that we know of* which most denominations say is the only truly sanctioned reason for divorce.... certainly separation is allowed and happens all the time, especially in cases of abuse, and most churches I know of, if physical safety is an issue, would suggest separation, and some would say that divorce would be a reasonable step although one that you might ask forgiveness for

since he lacks so much integrity and honesty, and you two have spent time apart, who's to know if he has committed infidelity or not

I would seek counsel from whatever church, pastor, whoever is your spiritual counselor here on earth

he is not acting as a good Christian husband, and there are ways to deal with this in a Christian marriage
a separation might be what it takes to wake him up, continuing on as you two have is clearly not the answer

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

The vows include to love honor and respect your spouse. He lied to you and did not respect you enough to tell you what was really happening. He also jeopardized your living situation by not paying rent. Depressed or not, he knew enough to hide it from you, which makes him responsible and cognizant of the choices he was making. This is serious grounds for divorce. If you want to seek marriage counseling, do so, but be aware that trust may have been irrevocably broken here. Residency challenges even the strongest relationships, and if you aren’t at your best when you start, you are doomed.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[UGA Non Trad]

In what fairy tale land can you be delinquent on rent for 6 months and not get evicted?

 

[Crayola227]

20 Top Divorce Bible Verses - What Does Scripture Say?

Matthew 19:8-9
8 Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.
9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

Easy. They can get a separation. Give it enough time, a guy like this will cheat, there will be FB pics of him with another woman eventually (how are you supposed to get evidence of infidelity if the other person doesn't out and out confess?), and then BOOM, holy divorce.

It's not like sins aren't forgivable. Sometimes you do what you gotta do and then ask forgiveness later.

 

[Newyawk]

In what fairy tale land can you be delinquent on rent for 6 months and not get evicted?

Precisely one of the holes i was referring to

 

[Rekt]

too many holes in this story. I call major troll.

Agree.

So many white knights on this forum automatically believing this person. She would know everything going on. Source: I'm married.