Husband dropped out of med school. Now what?

[JB50]

Agree.

So many white knights on this forum automatically believing this person. She would know everything going on. Source: I'm married.

opie=Rekt

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[treatem-and-streetem]

Dump him. He wasn't the dude you thought you were marrying, so in my mind (also christian and highly value marriage) he broke the vows made opening the door for you to walk out.

If you were truly holding fast to "christian beliefs" you would know there is only one reason in the bible for divorce.

 

[Stagg737]

To the whole "broken vows" thing, we don't know what OP's vows actually were. My wife and I wrote our own, and they certainly were not the traditional "love, honor, cherish". I don't think it's really fair to attack their marriage vows or that aspect since we don't really know those details.

The other financial things are a huge red flag obviously. He sounds like someone who desperately needs professional help, something you are wholly unqualified to give him in this particular situation. Would he be open to it? I'm not talking couples counseling, I'm talking him alone seeing the appropriate professionals to get his personal issues sorted. Is this something worth saving if he could get these issues under control? See this is why I hate giving relationship advice because these are the big questions that really matter and there's absolutely no way anyone else has a clue as to the answer.

Even if you don't like giving this sort of advice, you're pretty spot on more often than not. I think you're pretty spot on here as well. I'm not going to delve into my personal assessment as it's not appropriate here, but I agree that professional help for both of them as well as him as an individual is completely necessary, and I'm glad to hear OP and her husband are already pursuing that.

These are the most important sentences in your post. Instead of turning to you for support and trusting you with the truth of his struggles and frailties, he lied to you. He concealed important facts and mislead you. He demonstrated a lack of integrity and lack of character that is a critical part of who he is. I'm sorry, but you did marry a fraud.

That could be true. He could also be someone whose self-esteem is so destroyed from all the failures (or perceived failures) in his life and was so scared that OP would leave him that he felt his only real option was to lie. Especially if he sees OP as such an incredible person and himself as worthless. Idk if that's the case, but considering OP still sees him as a "truly kind and selfless man", I suspect these lies have less to do with malicious or nefarious intent and more to do with some form of mental health problem. I've also worked with patients so depressed they didn't pay any utilities for months, even after they were shut off. So while that is a pretty egregious lie, I wouldn't automatically write it off as OP's husband being a horrible person.

In what fairy tale land can you be delinquent on rent for 6 months and not get evicted?

I could totally do it with my current landlady. She's way too nice and doesn't really need the money. She'd probably let us live in our current location for free if we became desperate enough.


Idk what OP should do, but I think it's clear that if she decides to stay with her husband, it will be a very difficult path that will require a lot of work (clearly more than most people here would be willing to commit to a relationship). It sounds like the guy is trying to be productive as he's entered a PhD program and has several credits applied towards it, and he is seeking professional help. Whether the odds of that amounting to anything is something OP has to judge, as she knows him best. Whether the effort required to stay in a relationship like this (especially long-distance) is worth it is also only something OP can really know. For some people long-distance sucks, but is totally doable. For others, it's just a recipe for disaster and just leads to more trouble and problems than it's worth. Idk what I'd do, but if it's legit I don't think any further advice from SDN is going to provide any benefit.

 

[Robin-jay]

Biomedical sciences. That way his first two years of med school classes count for credit and cut down on the time it takes him to finish.

What career is he gunning for with a biomedical science PhD?

 

[Crayola227]

I don't agree "kind and selfless" is consistent when consistent lying

I totally get shame and depression, but from her story there's more than that going on, and neither are an excuse for habitual dishonesty in a marriage, period

I don't suggest that steps not be made to try to salvage this marriage if it can be, but there is a LOT to come back from, full stop

 

[XxXAtYourCervixXxX]

What career is he gunning for with a biomedical science PhD?

At this point I think he's just trying to finish a degree. Which is also concerning that he doesn't have a solid plan for what his future career will look like.

 

[Robin-jay]

At this point I think he's just trying to finish a degree. Which is also concerning that he doesn't have a solid plan for what his future career will look like.

A PhD in biomedical masters has no career (unless someone here knows of one). He would be better off to go to a community college and get dental hygienist qualifications. I think they would make more money and have a more solid career path.

 

[DokterMom]

That could be true. He could also be someone whose self-esteem is so destroyed from all the failures (or perceived failures) in his life and was so scared that OP would leave him that he felt his only real option was to lie. Especially if he sees OP as such an incredible person and himself as worthless. Idk if that's the case, but considering OP still sees him as a "truly kind and selfless man", I suspect these lies have less to do with malicious or nefarious intent and more to do with some form of mental health problem. I've also worked with patients so depressed they didn't pay any utilities for months, even after they were shut off. So while that is a pretty egregious lie, I wouldn't automatically write it off as OP's husband being a horrible person.

It may surprise you, but I agree completely. I've no doubt he feels somewhere south of worm poop in the scale of life's successes and considers himself utterly unworthy. And yes, depression is a highly probable cause. One could even go so far as to argue with a straight face that it really isn't his fault --

Except for the OP - as it impact's her life - does the root cause excuse the behavior or mitigate the consequences? She is at risk of losing her home. She has placed her career at disadvantage extending an extra year for him. With a couples match, there's at least a 'sounds good' reason for it, but as is?...

There are always reasons for bad behavior, and most of the time, it's not pure malice or simple sloth. Child abusers are perpetuating a vicious cycle; thieves are trying to replace that which they were never given; philanderers ache for true love or fear never having it... So this hurting soul deceives his wife and endangers their future. He chooses to falsify himself to present an acceptable front because he knows the truth would never get him the result he wants --

Divorce? Meh... What about an annulment? Sadly, this marriage to this man was never genuine at the core regardless of the OP's desires and intent. She never truly knew what she was getting.

(Maybe just the wine talking, but at some point, I did finally learn when to cut my losses, so am suggesting OP do the same.)

 

[masaraksh]

excellent troll

 

[michaelrack]

Easy. They can get a separation. Give it enough time, a guy like this will cheat, there will be FB pics of him with another woman eventually (how are you supposed to get evidence of infidelity if the other person doesn't out and out confess?), and then BOOM, holy divorce.

It's not like sins aren't forgivable. Sometimes you do what you gotta do and then ask forgiveness later.

I don't care what the op does, I was just trying to correct the original Biblical misinterpretation....as far as I am concerned, the Bible never should have been brought into this thread

 

[NotAProgDirector]

How certain are you that he's actually in a PhD program?

 

[Redpancreas]

A PhD in biomedical masters has no career (unless someone here knows of one). He would be better off to go to a community college and get dental hygienist qualifications. I think they would make more money and have a more solid career path.

The only marketable thing I could see would be medical education doing something similar to OME or Conrad Fischer, but it’d be difficult given that he failed Step. I don’t see how a PhD helps at this point as it’s a time investment for nothing he’s really passionate about. If he hasn’t lied or if he was just doing his PhD completely different story.

In regards to the situation I read the thread and if it’s true, it seems like OP was in the free-fall depression. Often with depression, you experience disappointment that breaks the camels back so to speak which leads to making bad decisions, gradually increasing in size. Ultimately your depression turns into a giant snowball of guilt/work that was put off/etc. and the only way to fix it is to confront that snowball. It’s easier said than done because doing that often makes you feel much worse as you often get caught when trying to do the right thing by starting to show up to things, etc. At this point, it looks like OP didn’t confront his snowball and it ultimately knocked him out of school. One aspect of this story that makes it harder to believe is how you didn’t spot something was off. When people get depressed like this, it’s usually accompanied by not going out and staying alone in bed for long periods of time.

At this point, he’s only going to be dragging you down. He’s going to resent you for finishing something he couldn’t, he’s going to be a liability financially as he probably won’t be able to carry his own weight, he will also have lots of work but won’t be bringing home $ so his time’s not even an asset, and most importantly even if you overcome all this, he’s probably not the person who will look any future adversity in the face and stand with his married partner to face it. In other words, this has ultimately become a charity project for you. The problem with free help though is that while it’s noble, no one values it so it won’t help him. Staying in this relationship even longer will not only hurt you, but it will hurt him. He will continue to use you as a buffer to his realities and ultimately never confront anything. Leave him and he may experience pain that is great enough to make him face reality and salvage whatever he has left. For you, like @operaman said, now with interviews over and presumably less pressured rotations, this is the last time in a while where you can get all the divorce stuff done in a less stressful environment. You’re already long distance...Make the decision and tell him today! I know it’s tough because it’ll be like starting over at this age and you’ll feel so behind, but again if there’s ever a time for that, it’s now with you moving to a new city.

 

[arcus]

Two years ago, I married the love of my life. We were both in medical school, had known each other our whole lives,....

To my knowledge, we were both doing well enough in school....

Almost as soon as we got married, I learned some things he had been hiding from me....

In the mean time, I also found out that he was delinquent on rent for 6 months and we could no longer afford to live in our home.

Now, he got into a PhD program and is living at his parent's house while I am traveling the country..

..... but I felt that this community would understand this predicament in a way that others couldn't. Thanks! be a bunch of saps

Agree.

So many white knights on this forum automatically believing this person. She would know everything going on. Source: I'm married.

My husband doesnt take a dump without me knowing it. When I pass gas he knows it. When I cry he knows it. When he cant sleep I know it. And yet with all of the holes in this OP thread, all the while waxing eloquently about “love of my life” and “known each other our whole lives” ....

Just about everyone on this thread saw the shiny metal object and jumped at it. Wow. You folks need to get married and/or unplug.

Where is @failedatlife when we need him?

 

[Goro]

A PhD in biomedical masters has no career (unless someone here knows of one). He would be better off to go to a community college and get dental hygienist qualifications. I think they would make more money and have a more solid career path.

One can be a professional post-doc with a spouse that's an MD/DO. Getting a faculty job is bit more problematic. But even lab mgr/research tech is doable.
Oddly enough, very few people become long term technicians...they always end up going to grad or med school!

 

[Goro]

My husband doesnt take a dump without me knowing it. When I pass gas he knows it. When I cry he knows it. When he cant sleep I know it. And yet with all of the holes in this OP thread, all the while waxing eloquently about “love of my life” and “known each other our whole lives” ....

Just about everyone on this thread saw the shiny metal object and jumped at it. Wow. You folks need to get married and/or unplug.

Where is @failedatlife when we need him?

Not all married couples are joined at the hip.

 

[Robin-jay]

My husband doesnt take a dump without me knowing it. When I pass gas he knows it. When I cry he knows it. When he cant sleep I know it. And yet with all of the holes in this OP thread, all the while waxing eloquently about “love of my life” and “known each other our whole lives” ....

Just about everyone on this thread saw the shiny metal object and jumped at it. Wow. You folks need to get married and/or unplug.

Where is @failedatlife when we need him?

I'm not married, but I've been in long term relationships where a girl practically lives at my place. Knowing where your spouse is at all time, who they're texting, etc. takes time, energy, and effort. There are much better ways (like career goals) to spend your time other than caring about such insignificant details.

Spending time to creating a solid relationship = great
Spending time looking over your significant other's shoulders at all times = waste of time at best

I almost feel like "having to know what your partner is doing at all times" means there is a lack of trust in the relationship.

 

[arcus]

Not all married couples are joined at the hip.

His legs are far hairier than mine and thankfully much thicker/bigger. My ass is cuter though, so he says.

 

[Psai]

His legs are far hairier than mine and thankfully much thicker/bigger. My ass is cuter though, so he says.

gonna need pics

 

[moisne]

Has anyone been in this position before? Did you stay? Leave? I know this isn't necessarily a med student issue, but I felt that this community would understand this predicament in a way that others couldn't. Thanks!

No. I have never been in this position. No, I would not stay, yes I would leave. (and I'm someone who's pretty against divorces and believe marriage is above just "love" and it's built on trust and commitment). No I cannot understand this situation (Not blaming you at all). Honestly... if my s/o failed a bunch of classes and step 1 and then was slacking off - I would've left him right then. Because he's dragging you down. He knows you took a year off for him. He should be doing his best to support your "joint" dream.

Almost as soon as we got married, I learned some things he had been hiding from me. He had failed a couple classes during his first two years of school that he had to repeat. Not a huge deal, but I was surprised that he had never told me. Step 1 was coming up for him and I noticed that he wasn't putting in the time and effort in order to study.

Yeah... those hidden secrets kill a marriage.

Which vow did he break?

Who knows... anyone here attend their wedding?

 

[Brorthopedic]

How certain are you that he's actually in a PhD program?

Also, how certain are you that you're actually married to this man?

 

[Crayola227]

Not all married couples are joined at the hip.

I'm not married, but I've been in long term relationships where a girl practically lives at my place. Knowing where your spouse is at all time, who they're texting, etc. takes time, energy, and effort. There are much better ways (like career goals) to spend your time other than caring about such insignificant details.

Spending time to creating a solid relationship = great
Spending time looking over your significant other's shoulders at all times = waste of time at best

I almost feel like "having to know what your partner is doing at all times" means there is a lack of trust in the relationship.

I think the point is that in a marriage, it would be difficult for someone to be kicked out of school, lose a job, not pay the bills, lose a parent, get cancer... and not have that come up between you. How can you be so detached from each other, when you live together, to not know this stuff? The only answer is dishonesty. You don't have to be attached at the hip to expect that you will be in the know for anything major about one another.

My ex-fiancee and I, used to spend every waking minute we could together. Showered together, brushed our teeth, grocery shopping, friends, EVERYTHING. We used to force each other to go out and do things without the other (neither of us was really invested in not taking the other one along for 99% of things) just because we thought as much as we liked being at the hip it couldn't possibly be healthy and we should do some things separately because you're supposed to, sorta like eating your vegetables, I guess.

Our togetherness had nothing to do with "looking over each other's shoulders" and everything to do with wanting to be together.

I was also in an equally long relationship, and we had separate bedrooms, for Pete's sake.

I can go either way, I can be extremely independent, but in a relationship I prefer to spend all my time with my partner. That's just me. If they're not that sort I can entertain myself.

Point is, there are plenty of couples that are at the hip together, and by choice. No one makes them. From what I can tell it isn't inherently unhealthy unless they're not happy with it or UNABLE to cope with dealing with things separately as needed for the health of the relationship.

I think the point is that there are people that are soooo close with their partner, sharing everything, that they find it really odd that you wouldn't be able to tell the other person is living a double life. And I don't mean cheating on you level other life, like, other wife and kids and house double life.

 

[Robin-jay]

I think the point is that in a marriage, it would be difficult for someone to be kicked out of school, lose a job, not pay the bills, lose a parent, get cancer... and not have that come up between you. How can you be so detached from each other, when you live together, to not know this stuff? The only answer is dishonesty. You don't have to be attached at the hip to expect that you will be in the know for anything major about one another.

My ex-fiancee and I, used to spend every waking minute we could together. Showered together, brushed our teeth, grocery shopping, friends, EVERYTHING. We used to force each other to go out and do things without the other (neither of us was really invested in not taking the other one along for 99% of things) just because we thought as much as we liked being at the hip it couldn't possibly be healthy and we should do some things separately because you're supposed to, sorta like eating your vegetables, I guess.

Our togetherness had nothing to do with "looking over each other's shoulders" and everything to do with wanting to be together.

I was also in an equally long relationship, and we had separate bedrooms, for Pete's sake.

I can go either way, I can be extremely independent, but in a relationship I prefer to spend all my time with my partner. That's just me. If they're not that sort I can entertain myself.

Point is, there are plenty of couples that are at the hip together, and by choice. No one makes them. From what I can tell it isn't inherently unhealthy unless they're not happy with it or UNABLE to cope with dealing with things separately as needed for the health of the relationship.

I think the point is that there are people that are soooo close with their partner, sharing everything, that they find it really odd that you wouldn't be able to tell the other person is living a double life. And I don't mean cheating on you level other life, like, other wife and kids and house double life.

It would be hard to live with someone who has suddenly dropped out of med school or suddenly stopped working, and not know it. I will give you that.

However, if you spend your time texting your partner where they are all the time, or constantly worrying about who they socialize with, then that's a problem in my book.

Your "togetherness" seems fine.

I'm fine with clingy tbh, but not with sharing texts, locations 24/7, etc.

 

[flightnurse2MD]

Two years ago, I married the love of my life. We were both in medical school, had known each other our whole lives, and didn't have a doubt in our minds that it was the right choice. I was a third year and he was a second year, so in order to match together, I decided to do my MPH between third and fourth year. To my knowledge, we were both doing well enough in school to make this decision to commit to each other.

Almost as soon as we got married, I learned some things he had been hiding from me. He had failed a couple classes during his first two years of school that he had to repeat. Not a huge deal, but I was surprised that he had never told me. Step 1 was coming up for him and I noticed that he wasn't putting in the time and effort in order to study. We had several talks about this, but I decided to trust him and let him take responsibility for his own education. Needless to say, he failed Step 1. In order to have more time to study, he decided to repeat second year. Just months after getting married this was obviously a huge blow, but I decided to support him in every way I could and stick with it together. He "studied" the whole year, still not putting in the effort that I know to be necessary to do well on Step. In the mean time, he shut all of our friends out of our lives, lied about how he was spending his year even to our friends, and lied to me about how he was progressing on his tests. We talked about how much it was bothering me but he never changed his behavior. Finally, June came around and it was time for him to attempt Step again. Instead of taking the test, he decided to quit medical school entirely, with a plan to do a PhD instead. I was leaving for an international rotation, and he promised that he would find a job and apply to school while I was gone. He had 6 weeks to do it, and neither of those things happened. In the mean time, I also found out that he was delinquent on rent for 6 months and we could no longer afford to live in our home.

Now, he got into a PhD program and is living at his parent's house while I am traveling the country for my interviews and away rotations. I feel so betrayed at this point and feel like I don't even know this person. I tried to be supportive for so long but almost feel like what has happened is irreconcilable. I get so excited thinking about my future in medicine, and finally feel like myself again not being associated with someone that I felt was slowly draining me in every way. I feel terrible because I know that he is struggling, and he really is a kind and selfless man that I feel like is in a hard place in life. But I can't help feeling like I married a fraud. My vows and belief in Christian marriage are what's stopping me from leaving, but I know that if we had just waited 6 months to get married we wouldn't even be together anymore.

I want to make clear that I don't care that my husband won't be a doctor. What makes me scared to continue our marriage is his lack of integrity and how horribly he dealt with the entire situation. Now that he's in a PhD program, we also will not be moving together when I move for residency and will have a long distance marriage for at least 2 years.

Has anyone been in this position before? Did you stay? Leave? I know this isn't necessarily a med student issue, but I felt that this community would understand this predicament in a way that others couldn't. Thanks!

Seems like he has no problem lying to you, your friends, or family. If he doesn’t have a problem with it now then he probably won’t have a problem doing it for the rest of your marriage together.

 

[raiderette]

My husband doesnt take a dump without me knowing it. When I pass gas he knows it. When I cry he knows it. When he cant sleep I know it. And yet with all of the holes in this OP thread, all the while waxing eloquently about “love of my life” and “known each other our whole lives” ....

Just about everyone on this thread saw the shiny metal object and jumped at it. Wow. You folks need to get married and/or unplug.

Where is @failedatlife when we need him?

My Mom didn't realize her husband molested me. Her brother didn't realize his wife was stealing money for two years. We can't judge anyone else's reality. Some people want to live in a fantasy world.
OP, consider the worst case scenario. He continues to lie to you, not work, put you in jeopardy. Imagine your life as the sole breadwinner. Are you okay with that? Will he be happy as the stay at home dad? If you are okay with that, then stay in the marriage. It isn't a horrible idea to let the person you love to find his bliss, especially if he feels he can be honest with you. But you also implied that he discouraged friendships. It isn't healthy to sacrifice your values for someone else. I am not a Christian, so I can't talk to subjugation or obedience. I just know you want to be a doctor and have met your commitments.

 

[Mass Effect]

My husband doesnt take a dump without me knowing it. When I pass gas he knows it. When I cry he knows it. When he cant sleep I know it. And yet with all of the holes in this OP thread, all the while waxing eloquently about “love of my life” and “known each other our whole lives” ....

Just about everyone on this thread saw the shiny metal object and jumped at it. Wow. You folks need to get married and/or unplug.

Where is @failedatlife when we need him?

Anyone married and over the age of 20 knows that all marriages are different. Just because you and your husband have become one person doesn't mean other couples have or even want to. For most, it doesn't mean they're any less in love or less committed.

 

[prettylittlebird]

Just playing devil's advocate here but OP could definitely be telling the truth - it's really not that hard to lie about things that are not necessarily independently verifiable. If I told my partner I honored every single class first and second year how would he know I'm lying unless he literally looked online at my grades which he doesn't have access to? I barely see anyone from MY class much less anyone from the classes above me so it's absolutely believable that they wouldn't have interacted much at school so she couldn't have checked up on him. How would someone even know you're going to class and not just going to school and sitting at the library all day like in those old movies where the husband loses his job and can't face his wife so he goes and hangs out in the park in his suit...

Also I thought the rent thing was kind of funny only because a similar scenarioinadvertently happened to me in college when we thought our rent was on autopay from our joint bank account when it turned out...it wasn't anyway it took months for them to send us a letter about it so I can believe that it would happen to someone else who was not paying on purpose

Or OP is a huge troll, who knows, it's entertaining!

 

[mistafab]

Just off your first post - whatever you decide to do you two have a LOT of issues, ouch.

Good luck, young blood.

 

[OneStepAhead]

There are 2 sides to every story...most of you have just heard one side and are running away with it..not not.

 

[ortnakas]

Please get marriage advice from an in-person counselor, religious or otherwise. SDN and Reddit are notoriously awful at it.

 

[GypsyHummus]

Ive never been married before, but what exactly is so bad about the situation that it warrants a divorce? The dude was not doing well in medical school, so he dropped out. That isnt a crime. Yeah, it stinks that you wasted a year to wait for him, but now you have your MPH. The guy seems like he eventually landed on his feet with a PhD program.

What is so bad about leaving medical school for a PhD program? He was struggling and couldnt hack it. That doesnt sound like something to warrant divorce, unless I am missing something big.

The only thing I see wrong is that he 1) let rent get behind and it kicked you out of the house 2) Lied to you about how he was doing on his practice tests and not being completely forthright with all the info. You even had a warning before marrying him that he had to retake 2nd year. Not everyone likes to announce to the world that they are failing.

You cant help but feel like you married a fraud? Is this because he wont be a Physician making the big bucks? Maybe its better for him to be a house husband instead, this could actually be a really good thing.

 

[68PGunner]

Ive never been married before, but what exactly is so bad about the situation that it warrants a divorce? The dude was not doing well in medical school, so he dropped out. That isnt a crime. Yeah, it stinks that you wasted a year to wait for him, but now you have your MPH. The guy seems like he eventually landed on his feet with a PhD program.

What is so bad about leaving medical school for a PhD program? He was struggling and couldnt hack it. That doesnt sound like something to warrant divorce, unless I am missing something big.

The only thing I see wrong is that he 1) let rent get behind and it kicked you out of the house 2) Lied to you about how he was doing on his practice tests and not being completely forthright with all the info. You even had a warning before marrying him that he had to retake 2nd year. Not everyone likes to announce to the world that they are failing.

You cant help but feel like you married a fraud? Is this because he wont be a Physician making the big bucks? Maybe its better for him to be a house husband instead, this could actually be a really good thing.

He's a peasant, disguising himself as medical school royalty in order to be married to a Type A Triple Alpha female physician. That's a crime with accordance to sdn, where physician inbreeding is the expected cultural norm.

 

[GypsyHummus]

Lol, I was about to say, not every male can be a doctor. Sometimes, its ok for Female medical students/Female doctors to marry the slightly overweight boring accountant who makes 60-80K/year, has his stuff together, and treats you well, or the boring safe male engineer making 100K. You dont have to marry the male Ortho surgeon head of the hospital who is a total jerk.

But what do I know, I am a lowly student facing the horrible prospects of the DPM degree. Accounting to the SDN hierarchy, I am only eligible to date women who have their OD or PharmD degree, as MD/DO view the DPM degree as beneath them and DPM chicks wont make a lateral move.

Hypergamy is a real thing folks, dont let anyone, person or hallmark card, fool you.

He's a peasant, disguising himself as medical school royalty in order to be married to a Type A Triple Alpha female physician. That's a crime with accordance to sdn, where physician inbreeding is the expected cultural norm.

 

[MyGrainAura]

Where did the money go, since it wasn’t going to rent? Have you extensively gone through his accounts?


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[Crayola227]

Ive never been married before, but what exactly is so bad about the situation that it warrants a divorce? The dude was not doing well in medical school, so he dropped out. That isnt a crime. Yeah, it stinks that you wasted a year to wait for him, but now you have your MPH. The guy seems like he eventually landed on his feet with a PhD program.

What is so bad about leaving medical school for a PhD program? He was struggling and couldnt hack it. That doesnt sound like something to warrant divorce, unless I am missing something big.

The only thing I see wrong is that he 1) let rent get behind and it kicked you out of the house 2) Lied to you about how he was doing on his practice tests and not being completely forthright with all the info. You even had a warning before marrying him that he had to retake 2nd year. Not everyone likes to announce to the world that they are failing.

You cant help but feel like you married a fraud? Is this because he wont be a Physician making the big bucks? Maybe its better for him to be a house husband instead, this could actually be a really good thing.

consistently lying, handling what is actually something minor in the scheme of major life problems (failing at school vs having cancer) in a way that is not only dishonest, but is really not a team player mentality with the spouse

he wanted to go it alone, lied, and you can't do that and have a successful marriage

it's not grown up, let alone spouse material

what happens when he gets diagnosed with cancer and doesn't want to tell the family?
what happens when you have a child? and he makes an honest parental mistake but decides to try to hide it, causing the child harm?
what happens when the child is hit by a car and dies?
what happens when you are diagnosed with RA and end up wheelchair bound?

is this the guy you want on your team? never mind the prestige, the money, his depression or feelings of inadequecy, how about just on the basis of character, of someone that tells the truth and looks to you as their teammate when things get tough?

this is not the guy I want on my line as we climb the mountain together.

 

[Crayola227]

full stop the fact that this is how this guy handled being in school and renting a home with a spouse,

would you want to have your child with this guy?

I honestly wouldn't want this guy to babysit my hamster

 

[Crayola227]

in the words of David Tennant, "but as always in relationships, the person that helps affect change, is never the one who gets to enjoy it"

Failure is the best teacher. Pain is the best motivation for change.

You would think in a relationship that someone wouldn't be inclined to hurt you, and that when they did, if you told them, they would stop. Some of the time, the fact they transgressed against you to begin with shows that, this is not how it's going to go. The person who lied to you and cheated you is going to stop because you're asking them to?

I'm not saying this had to mean the marriage ends for him to learn. But he needs to know that marriage the way he's been doing it, is off the table, now and forever. As far as establishing that, I'll just leave that to the couple and possibly marriage counselor.

 

[Promethean]

Lying to someone who is your mate and life partner about big issues like this is a betrayal. Doing so *repeatedly* indicates a character flaw that goes all the way to the core. It is impossible to really put your complete faith in someone and trust them to have your back through all that may arise if you they can't be straight with you about whether the rent was paid.

It hurts to realize you made such an enormous error in trusting someone. It is up to you how much more of your life you want to spend being vulnerable to betrayal on this scale. I fear that you will always be wondering when he is going to lie again, and what it will be about, and that kind of low level suspicion and second guessing becomes maddening over time. I'm glad to hear that you are doing marriage counselling, but I hope that you have someone to talk to on your own about these things, so that you can decide separately what you are willing to endure should your hopes for him to become worthy of your trust fail to work out.

 

[Promethean]

If you were truly holding fast to "christian beliefs" you would know there is only one reason in the bible for divorce.

Everyone is so hung up on sexuality as sin, but "infidelity" means "not truthful." Unfaithfulness is so much more than putting tab A into the wrong person's slot B. And while one passage in Matthew does say that one should only initiate a divorce in response to sexual immorality, there is also a biblical allowance for divorce when one has been abandoned. I'm sure that modern Pharisees won't agree, but I read failure to pay the rent and lying about it as abandonment. Dude may be more or less physically present, but he checked out of his duties to his spouse from the start of the marriage. I don't consider the OP to be initiating the disunity here.

Suggesting that you know God's mind well enough to tell someone that they need to sit around and wait for the betrayal to evolve further, to include a definite and confirmed instance of extramarital sex... yeah, if you are calling that Christian then I'm pretty cool with not being one of those myself these days.

 

[GypsyHummus]

Would you hold it against your spouse who failed out of Med school? What if your spouse didn’t even make it into medical school and decided to do something else? Would you hold it against your spouse if they failed out and started working at a grocery store? If yes, does the way it is handled matter? Is there a proper way to do so?

Not being snarky, genuinely would like to know. People do fail out of school, sometimes medicine isn’t for them and they find something else to do in life.

consistently lying, handling what is actually something minor in the scheme of major life problems (failing at school vs having cancer) in a way that is not only dishonest, but is really not a team player mentality with the spouse

he wanted to go it alone, lied, and you can't do that and have a successful marriage

it's not grown up, let alone spouse material

what happens when he gets diagnosed with cancer and doesn't want to tell the family?
what happens when you have a child? and he makes an honest parental mistake but decides to try to hide it, causing the child harm?
what happens when the child is hit by a car and dies?
what happens when you are diagnosed with RA and end up wheelchair bound?

is this the guy you want on your team? never mind the prestige, the money, his depression or feelings of inadequecy, how about just on the basis of character, of someone that tells the truth and looks to you as their teammate when things get tough?

this is not the guy I want on my line as we climb the mountain together.

 

[treatem-and-streetem]

Everyone is so hung up on sexuality as sin, but "infidelity" means "not truthful." Unfaithfulness is so much more than putting tab A into the wrong person's slot B. And while one passage in Matthew does say that one should only initiate a divorce in response to sexual immorality, there is also a biblical allowance for divorce when one has been abandoned. I'm sure that modern Pharisees won't agree, but I read failure to pay the rent and lying about it as abandonment. Dude may be more or less physically present, but he checked out of his duties to his spouse from the start of the marriage. I don't consider the OP to be initiating the disunity here.

Suggesting that you know God's mind well enough to tell someone that they need to sit around and wait for the betrayal to evolve further, to include a definite and confirmed instance of extramarital sex... yeah, if you are calling that Christian then I'm pretty cool with not being one of those myself these days.

If you really want to discuss this I am more than happy to. Marriage is to represent how Christ loves the church and gave his life up for the church. Just as he never abandoned the church no matter how they treated him, we are to never abandon our spouses except on the grounds of sexual immorality. Even on the grounds of sexual immorality the spouse is supposed to give the other a chance to repent and turn from sin, and they are supposed to out of the grace of God accept that person back. This kind of forgiveness is supernatural.

 

[Crayola227]

Would you hold it against your spouse who failed out of Med school? What if your spouse didn’t even make it into medical school and decided to do something else? Would you hold it against your spouse if they failed out and started working at a grocery store? If yes, does the way it is handled matter? Is there a proper way to do so?

Not being snarky, genuinely would like to know. People do fail out of school, sometimes medicine isn’t for them and they find something else to do in life.

#1 is to be honest. They should talk to you before making big decisions an factor what you say into making the decision. Notice I say before, and factor in.

If it's an after-the-fact problem, like failing, then they should come to you in pretty short order to let you know what happened. It's OK if they even say they need time to think about it before discussing it and coming to a decision.

I always joked I became a doctor so I could "buy" myself a husband - a tasteless sexist joke to say that I wanted the financial independence to feel like money wouldn't have to be a strain on a relationship (in the sense that 2 broke people can make it work, but it *is* one more of many challenges one tackles in a relationship), that it wouldn't be a factor in choosing a mate, so if I fell in love with a marble sculpturist who never sold a piece of work in his lifetime, the kids could still have piano lessons if that was what made everyone in the family happy and fulfilled.

Being a doctor makes me happy and fulfilled, so it wasn't some sacrifice that way to try to be able to give that life to my loved ones. It's an unbelievable blessing to follow your calling and life's purpose, the happy coincidence when that is valued by society such that your loved ones can have that even when theirs isn't to the same degree.

I appreciate someone I can talk science with, respects my medical opinion, likes science fiction, cats, and has a broad palate. Bonus points if he likes art museums, hippy stuff. Also, bitey.

I don't care if they go to med school. I don't care if they fail out of something. I don't care if they change careers, being mindful of how that affects our time together as a family and to some extent where we live. I almost moved into a tornado shelter in Omaha for the man I loved, so I'm not too picky but think of the children's schools.

In any case though, there must be honesty. When you marry someone and have a sexually monogamous relationship with them, with plans for kids, or actual kids, there are some things in your life that you must be honest about and you can't make unilateral decisions about. You made a choice to give up making those choices on your own without consequence to another human being when you made the choice to be married. Illicit drugs, illegal activities, paying the rent or not, changing a course of study or job, how you are spending your time in general terms, how many hours you play video games, having sex with other people, treating your diabetes, the list goes on and on.

 

[Crayola227]

The way it is handled is everything.

People fail in all sorts of ways everyday, accepting that and loving someone in a marriage anyway, is part and parcel.

However, some failures, like consistent lying that jeopardizes the very roof above you, is not the same.

 

[FCMike11]

Would you hold it against your spouse who failed out of Med school? What if your spouse didn’t even make it into medical school and decided to do something else? Would you hold it against your spouse if they failed out and started working at a grocery store? If yes, does the way it is handled matter? Is there a proper way to do so?

Not being snarky, genuinely would like to know. People do fail out of school, sometimes medicine isn’t for them and they find something else to do in life.

OP has been pretty clear it doesn't have anything to do with $$ or dropping out of medical school. It's the huge lies upon lies. That'd be tough for me to move past as well.

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[libertyyne]

If you really want to discuss this I am more than happy to. Marriage is to represent how Christ loves the church and gave his life up for the church. Just as he never abandoned the church no matter how they treated him, we are to never abandon our spouses except on the grounds of sexual immorality. Even on the grounds of sexual immorality the spouse is supposed to give the other a chance to repent and turn from sin, and they are supposed to out of the grace of God accept that person back. This kind of forgiveness is supernatural.

looking at Christian divorce rates it seems like a lot of people dont follow what you describe or a whole bunch of people are cheating.

 

[Stagg737]

Would you hold it against your spouse who failed out of Med school? What if your spouse didn’t even make it into medical school and decided to do something else? Would you hold it against your spouse if they failed out and started working at a grocery store? If yes, does the way it is handled matter? Is there a proper way to do so?

Not being snarky, genuinely would like to know. People do fail out of school, sometimes medicine isn’t for them and they find something else to do in life.

It wouldn't bother me too much as long as we were both open about it and discussed how it would impact our future plans. How it's handled is everything. If my theorhetical spouse/SO made those decisions on her own and decided not to say anything to me I'd be pretty pissed. I don't think there's a single right way to handle it, but communication should be a part of any successful approach.

 

[treatem-and-streetem]

looking at Christian divorce rates it seems like a lot of people dont follow what you describe or a whole bunch of people are cheating.

You are sadly correct

 

[ParallelLines]

Unpopular opinion: the amount of heavy Christianity in a group of highly medically educated people bothers me

OP I think you should leave him. He might be suffering from depression, but you are not obligated to stay with someone who will bring you down. Get him help yes. Stay with him as a life partner no.

 

[Goro]

Would you hold it against your spouse who failed out of Med school? What if your spouse didn’t even make it into medical school and decided to do something else? Would you hold it against your spouse if they failed out and started working at a grocery store? If yes, does the way it is handled matter? Is there a proper way to do so?

Not being snarky, genuinely would like to know. People do fail out of school, sometimes medicine isn’t for them and they find something else to do in life.

It's NOT the failing out of med school! What part of this is so difficult? It's the lying and whatever happened with the rent payments.

 

[wegh]

Sounds like you married a bum.

Yeah, a person who gets into medical school and pursues a PhD is a bum. Your parents must be scary!

 

[MyGrainAura]

Yeah, a person who gets into medical school and pursues a PhD is a bum. Your parents must be scary!

It has absolutely nothing to do with status and everything to do with conduct. The fact that people don’t see that frightens me.

It’s one thing to fail medical school exams and take ownership of it. But hiding it, as well as large financial decisions undermine trust. At the root of every successful relationship is trust. Suppose your financial institution went belly up and fleed overseas because it had squandered all its clients money in faulty investments. That’s essentially the level of deception we are talking about here.


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