LDR Survival Guide

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Lab Rat83

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This is a spin off of the Relationship Center thread.

I will be leaving my boyfriend of 7 years behind. He will 3 hours away (plus a $45 bridge toll). I know he's going to have a hard time with it because we do so much together and we are best friends. It will be particularly difficult when he does all the things we normally do together, by himself (watching our shows, cooking supper, weekend breakfasts, kayaking, walking the dog, etc). I think it will be easier for me because I'll be in a new place and will be occupied with school.

I know that a lot of vet students have to move away from their significant others too. What advice do you have for making it work? Why do they fail when they do? Are you able to make time to see one another regularly if distance allows?
 
This is a spin off of the Relationship Center thread.

I will be leaving my boyfriend of 7 years behind. He will 3 hours away (plus a $45 bridge toll). I know he's going to have a hard time with it because we do so much together and we are best friends. It will be particularly difficult when he does all the things we normally do together, by himself (watching our shows, cooking supper, weekend breakfasts, kayaking, walking the dog, etc). I think it will be easier for me because I'll be in a new place and will be occupied with school.

I know that a lot of vet students have to move away from their significant others too. What advice do you have for making it work? Why do they fail when they do? Are you able to make time to see one another regularly if distance allows?

I think this thread is a great idea and would love to get more advice too! Pretty soon my boyfriend of 3.5 years and I will have to live apart because of his job and my vet school location. We have done long distance for each of our college summers and one thing that has helped us are skype dates and a phone call every night before bed. I can't speak for vet school as I haven't done it yet but I think even just calling for a short call each night helps. Other vet students told me that having skype dates planned in school helps. It would be very hard to have long skype conversations every night I'm sure but maybe once a week could work. I guess it will all depend on the couple.

I told my boyfriend to just get involved with other clubs and hang out with friends at work to help occupy his time. Good luck to you guys as well. Everyone has told me that if the couple wants it to work out then it will work out 🙂
 
I know that a lot of vet students have to move away from their significant others too. What advice do you have for making it work? Why do they fail when they do? Are you able to make time to see one another regularly if distance allows?

My bf and I try our best to skype every night for at least 30 min. Sometimes it's only for 10 min but it's worth it to at least see his face and listen to his voice. We try to text each other regularly throughout the day (at the very least, we text each other good morning and good night). It's been a really hard 1.5 years and I'm sure it won't really get any better for the next 4 years, but we know we want to get married. We've already told each other we're not allowed to break up with the other person 'cause we're stuck for life 😛

We've been lucky to be able to afford to see each other about once a month (Literally. Plane tickets ain't cheap, yo). My SO is more financially "able" than I am, so he's mostly been the one to fly to see me.

You really have to be committed to it. If you start having doubts, you stop trying and then the relationship falls apart.

If you really see yourself being with your SO for the long haul, so to speak, then it's worth every penny and second to keep trying.
 
I imagine I'll be around this thread quite a bit :hello:

I know that a lot of vet students have to move away from their significant others too. What advice do you have for making it work?

Communicating is the biggest one. And I don't mean just skyping or talking every night or whatever interval you decide, I mean actively communicating how you're feeling, asking how they're feeling, approaching issues before they have a chance to get out of hand. Don't let things fester inside your head - get it out there and talk about it. On the flip side, I don't recommend texting all day or talking more than once a day. We talk every night before bed and if we were chatting all day, there'd be nothing to talk about and it would devolve into "I miss you" and all that sad stuff. I like to save up little tidbits over the course of the day to talk about later so it's a conversation. And sometimes there's nothing to talk about and you just have to call it a night after 10mins. That doesn't make either of you a bad person.

Keeping busy is another important thing. You'll have school to distract you, but what about weekends? I sure don't study all weekend, and that's the time I would normally be spending with him so it feels extra lonely. Pick up a hobby, make plans with friends (even if it is to study), and plan out the times that you won't have anything scheduled.

Why do they fail when they do?

I think distance usually brings an end to relationships that were probably not going to make it anyway for an underlying reason that distance just magnifies - poor communication skills, clinginess/dependence, jealousy/trust issues, etc.

Are you able to make time to see one another regularly if distance allows?

I'm a US student, so we're 1200 miles apart. Flights are expensive but driving takes an entire day (~10hrs) just to meet half-way, etc. We manage to meet up at least once per semester, sometimes twice depending. I spend breaks at home and get to see him. Again, it's expensive and inconvenient but I think it really helps me to recharge after seeing him even for a couple days. I think your situation is totally manageable, but I'm a crammer so I don't usually study much except before exams 😉
 
I may end up in this sort of situation, but hopefully only cross state. I hope that my husband can move with me when the time comes, but he has a pretty awesome job here that he really likes. He is paid well, and we need the money, so it wouldn't be sensible for him to move with me unless he had a good job. The other complicating factor is that we have a young son. I can't imagine only seeing him in person once or twice a semester. That sounds like torture! Does anyone with children do the distance thing? If so, how do you handle it?
 
👍 this. Especially the bold. I did 4 years of LDR with my bf during undergrad and we were 20hrs flight apart. We saw each other maybe 3 weeks every summer during the time.

I imagine I'll be around this thread quite a bit :hello:

Communicating is the biggest one. And I don't mean just skyping or talking every night or whatever interval you decide, I mean actively communicating how you're feeling, asking how they're feeling, approaching issues before they have a chance to get out of hand. Don't let things fester inside your head - get it out there and talk about it. On the flip side, I don't recommend texting all day or talking more than once a day. We talk every night before bed and if we were chatting all day, there'd be nothing to talk about and it would devolve into "I miss you" and all that sad stuff. I like to save up little tidbits over the course of the day to talk about later so it's a conversation. And sometimes there's nothing to talk about and you just have to call it a night after 10mins. That doesn't make either of you a bad person.

Keeping busy is another important thing. You'll have school to distract you, but what about weekends? I sure don't study all weekend, and that's the time I would normally be spending with him so it feels extra lonely. Pick up a hobby, make plans with friends (even if it is to study), and plan out the times that you won't have anything scheduled.
 
Keeping busy is another important thing.


Definitely agree with this one. There was a point earlier this year in which I didn't have a job/internship/etc and was absolutely MISERABLE. All I could think about was how much I missed my SO and how "sucky" my life was at that moment because I wasn't doing anything productive. It affected my relationship because he wanted to help but couldn't really do anything, and my unhappiness was making him unhappy 3,000 miles away. Keeping busy throughout the day also makes for a more interesting skype conversation at night. My bf likes to go on reddit, so throughout the day he'll send me funny pictures (mostly of cats!) and I'll do the same. And communicating throughout the day does not necessarily mean we badger each other with texts like "What are you doing?" every 30 minutes.
 
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Thank you everyone for the great advice so far. We are very committed to one another. We talked about getting married and starting a family. Unfortunately, vet school puts some of that on hold for a bit.

I think we will be alright. We'll have unlimited talk/text. We'll see each other for our birthdays and holidays. We'll spend a lot of quality time together before I leave. It will be hard and lonely at times but I really think we'll be okay.
 
Thank you everyone for the great advice so far. We are very committed to one another. We talked about getting married and starting a family. Unfortunately, vet school puts some of that on hold for a bit.

I think we will be alright. We'll have unlimited talk/text. We'll see each other for our birthdays and holidays. We'll spend a lot of quality time together before I leave. It will be hard and lonely at times but I really think we'll be okay.

set clear expectations of your time, too. My then fiance, now husband, and I were long distance for 1.5 years at about 3.5 hrs away. we talked every night for at least 5-10 minutes even if it was just to say hi, I've got so much to do, etc. But get him/her involved in what you have to do for vet school because most people don't get it and it may help them understand if you have limitations.
 
My fiancee and I are ~2 hours apart and we've been able to see each other almost every week which I am so thankful for. Honestly - 3 hours is not a bad drive at all and I bet you will be able to see each other a lot more often than a lot of people who have posted on here (kudos to you guys!). The LDR hasn't been nearly as bad as I Thought it would be...don't get me wrong, it totally sucks and I miss her everyday but keeping busy with school and extracurriculars passes the time well.

Like someone said, the LDRs that failed were probably because of pre-existing issues that were exacerbated by the stress of long distance, vet school etc.
 
set clear expectations of your time, too. My then fiance, now husband, and I were long distance for 1.5 years at about 3.5 hrs away. we talked every night for at least 5-10 minutes even if it was just to say hi, I've got so much to do, etc. But get him/her involved in what you have to do for vet school because most people don't get it and it may help them understand if you have limitations.

Would you mind sharing how you did that? I could never get my boyfriend to really understand how much work I had to do in undergrad, and I have a feeling it will be even harder for him to comprehend the vet school workload.
 
Would you mind sharing how you did that? I could never get my boyfriend to really understand how much work I had to do in undergrad, and I have a feeling it will be even harder for him to comprehend the vet school workload.

In undergrad (we'll see how this goes once vet school starts) I would ask my SO to quiz me on things, help me come up with mnemonics, and (if time allowed, he was also really busy) come hang out with me while I did field collecting/studying bones in lab/etc. If it was a subject he was interested in, sometimes he would study a bit with me (I confess to never being quite as interested in his crystallography as he was in my entomology). We also copy-edit each others papers, posters, and presentations, and act as each others' audience to practice presentations. I don't know how much of this will apply to vet school, but a lot of it is applying to his grad school stuff this year.

I also complained a lot to him...and everyone else...all the time.... I used to read my schedule to friends at lunch to make them feel better about their workloads! :laugh:

I hope you find something that works with your boy! :luck:
 
Would you mind sharing how you did that? I could never get my boyfriend to really understand how much work I had to do in undergrad, and I have a feeling it will be even harder for him to comprehend the vet school workload.

Showed him my class schedules (and left a copy for him), ad him quiz me and showed him what I had planned and why. I just laid it all out for him. But I also made time for him every day without fail
 
I think dyachei's point is important, but I would caution you (anyone) to be careful with your tactics since there's always the risk that they feel as though you're saying how much more important your work is than theirs, or that you're working harder, etc. Maybe no one feels that way, but I always feel squicky complaining about how hard I'm working when I know my SO is working hard in a different way, you know? And if your SO isn't working hard...:laugh:

I like the idea of actions including him (quizzing) instead of just complaining about how much work you have.
 
I think dyachei's point is important, but I would caution you (anyone) to be careful with your tactics since there's always the risk that they feel as though you're saying how much more important your work is than theirs, or that you're working harder, etc. Maybe no one feels that way, but I always feel squicky complaining about how hard I'm working when I know my SO is working hard in a different way, you know? And if your SO isn't working hard...:laugh:

oh definitely. It's not a "I'm working harder than you" ploy. It's a realistic look at what I'm doing so that you understand. Showing them your test schedule is a good thing. Remember, in undergrad, you took ~1/2 the courses and didn't get tested weekly. They probably don't get it.
 
This isn't specific to LDR's but I also try and include my husband in studying occasionally so that he "gets" how hard I'm working on this stuff (and also because it's a great way to study). I'm not big into flashcards but I have made them in the past and I'll have him quiz me using those. I also really enjoy talking at him. It usually occurs at the end of a big study session. I'll gather up my study guide, sit down across from him, and basically teach him/explain what I've been studying. If you can teach someone else a subject, it usually means you have it down pat. Sometimes I'll refer to my notes but I try not to look. Sometimes I dumb it down and sometimes I'll just use all the fancy terms so he has no idea what I'm talking about. I don't even require his full attention - if he's playing video games while I talk it's fine by me. So far it's been a great study tool. Even if it looks like he's not listening, he always picks up some of what I'm blabbering on about and usually tells me how cool it is that I know so much 😀
 
oh definitely. It's not a "I'm working harder than you" ploy. It's a realistic look at what I'm doing so that you understand. Showing them your test schedule is a good thing. Remember, in undergrad, you took ~1/2 the courses and didn't get tested weekly. They probably don't get it.

👍
 
My bf likes to go on reddit, so throughout the day he'll send me funny pictures (mostly of cats!) and I'll do the same.

My bf does this too! He'll save up the cute pictures he sees throughout the day and then send them all to me when we Skype at night. And he'll save any cute or funny videos he finds so we can watch them together next time we visit.

But, I will add a word of caution for anyone who uses Reddit (or similar sites) or has an SO who does - be aware of how much time you spend there. My bf spends 8-10 hours a day (sometimes more!) on Reddit, and it gets REALLY frustrating for me because no matter how hard I try I feel like I can never contribute anything to our conversations. No matter what I try to share with him - a picture, video, news article, funny story, anything - it always gets dismissed with an "Already saw it" because it made the rounds on Reddit weeks or months ago. Even with current events, I usually can't get him to contribute more than a sentence or two to any given issue because he's already seen it discussed ad nauseum on Reddit. Which sucks for me because sometimes I genuinely want to talk about those things with him. And it sucks to be constantly left feeling like a total dead weight in the conversation because all of your potential topics for discussion have been sapped by some stupid website.

So yeah, just something to consider if you frequent sites like Reddit and your SO is not really into that sort of thing. It does get irritating for the other person after a while.


As for what works for us, my bf and I have only been long distance for a couple months so we're still working that out. We text throughout the day, which actually works pretty well for us. Nothing major, usually just quick texts every few hours or so about what we're doing or how our days are going, though sometimes we will get into a whole conversation. Sometimes texts are the only way we communicate all day, and sometimes we'll Skype at night. Sometimes are Skype conversations are just instant messages and sometimes we'll do the whole video chat thing. Just kind of depends on the day.

We were practically living together for quite some time, so my bf loves my cat almost as much as ( or possibly more than . . .) he loves me, so occasionally I'll send him pictures of what the cat is up to. I also frequently force the cat to join in on our Skype conversations, because we're dorky like that. :laugh:

It also really helps that we have an activity in common. We both do martial arts - my boyfriend does Kung Fu and I do Krav Maga (and many Krav techniques were taken from Kung Fu) - so it's always interesting to compare notes on what we're learning and how the two styles differ. He's been doing it much longer than I have so he's ranked way higher than me, but I still think it's fun to hear about all the cool stuff he gets to do, and he always seems interested in hearing about what I'm learning too. Plus having something like that in common always gives us a good topic of conversation to fall back on when we feel like we're running out of things to say.

I'm starting to realize that making an ldr work takes a bit of trial and error. What works for one relationship isn't necessarily going to work for yours, and vice versa. You just kind of have to try things and see how they go, and be open with each other about what is and isn't working for you. It's a process for sure.
 
👍 This Thread

I love our much support we can get on the pre-vet forum.

As mentioned previously, I'm also in a LDR. Four years of long distance down...four to go. I agree with the people who said the LDRs that fail were doomed to fail anyway. If your relationship is strong and you two are meant for each other, I believe you'll find a way to make it work.

3 hours doesn't sound too bad (although $45 could probably add up quickly). That's about how far I'll be from my fiance when he's at home. When he is at work, it will be more like 6 hours. My undergrad was 4.5 hours from him and we were able to visit (either at home or at school) about one weekend every six weeks or so, plus winter & summer breaks.

I also agree with letting your SO know what you're up to without actually saying/implying you're working harder. My SO and I share our google calendars with each other (his calendar shows up in a different color on mine and vice versa). My life is on my calendar (seriously would have no clue where I was going without it on my phone :laugh:). He knows when I'm in class, when I'm studying with groups, when I'm at work, when I'm at a meeting etc. so he doesn't get upset if I don't text back/answer his calls or am too tired to talk long at the end of the day. This works the other way too. I know when he's busy at work or in meetings and don't get mad when he can't answer a call during what seems like my only free hour. It makes it a lot easier to know how to make time for each other when we can see when we're both free really quickly.

SO and I also on reddit...although not 8-10 hours a day! :wow: and also sends me cat pictures 😀 especially when he sees I have a big test coming up that he know's I'm worried about. I think it helps that I look though it too (maybe 15-20 min a day total to take study breaks) so we can both mention what we saw on there. If you cant beat em, join em? :shrug:

Lastly (for now) don't just talk about yourself! It's great for them to know what you're up to in vet school, but make sure you ask them about what they are doing too! If you're used to living together or in the same town, chances are there are lot of things you've missed at home. Toby Keith anyone?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HxUuDPNbkJk
 
LDRs are definitely not easy. I've been with my boy for a year and a half (we were best friends in high school though) and we've been living about two hours apart for that time. Now we're going to be five hours, by plane and not car this time.
He's still in undergrad, so he'll be doing most of the visiting. I'm trying to convince him to come see me for that three-day weekend in September, and then my parents are insisting I come home for every Thanksgiving and Christmas and we're trying to set things up with clinics in our area so I can be home most of the summers that I get off.
We try to Skype a lot, and we've talked about watching movies together over Skype, with the increased distance. We both Reddit a lot so we share subreddits and posts. He talks to me about his schoolwork and I talk to him about mine. We won't be together for our next few anniversaries so we've talked about doing a Skype date with a nice dinner and candles.
On that note... does anyone know any credit cards that give points for miles flown? 😀 I just have my basic credit card that I got when I was 16.
 
FYI, my LDR FAILED. Well the relationship didn't fail but the LD part did. After a year of giving it a try, we decided it wasn't going to work and we are going to go back to living together. Luckily it is a commutable distance for me, but if not, would have been a little bit more of a downer.

It was just too hard living apart after 15 years together, and in the end wasn't worth it. Depends a lot on what stage of life you are in, and what you value.
 
Dug this thread up to whine a little. Missing my Fiancé terribly all of a sudden. Combination of a lot of things. Today is his birthday. He didn't answer his phone or FaceTime at midnight. Went to a pure romance party tonight (lol) at a friends house who lives there with her fiancé. Instantly started thinking of how nice it would be to have a house here with my SO. Also, my roommate's SO is here every weekend including now and she was upset that he missed one weekend...I would be ecstatic if my SO was here as much as hers... Currently snuggling with my cat and my SO's dog, wishing he was here and I can't sleep. Okay, end whine.
 
Hang in there, stb, it's a tough ride. When other people going through LDR complaining about only seeing their SO every other weekend make me want to scream, I just think of those people I know who go months on end without seeing their SOs and only talking to them infrequently and meanwhile their SO is in a war zone or a dangerous political situation or the middle of Africa or something. It gives me perspective and makes me grateful for what I do have, even if it's not as good as someone else's situation 🙂 Do you have plans to see him again sometime soon?
 
Hang in there, stb, it's a tough ride. When other people going through LDR complaining about only seeing their SO every other weekend make me want to scream, I just think of those people I know who go months on end without seeing their SOs and only talking to them infrequently and meanwhile their SO is in a war zone or a dangerous political situation or the middle of Africa or something. It gives me perspective and makes me grateful for what I do have, even if it's not as good as someone else's situation 🙂 Do you have plans to see him again sometime soon?

👍 This. After hearing a classmate talk about her ldr with her boyfriend deployed overseas, I feel like my ldr sucks a lot less. She hasn't heard his voice in months and with the time difference it makes it really hard for them to even Facebook chat each other. Made me really grateful to know that my boyfriend is just a text or phone call away.

Plus I think a lot of people in our class (and vet school students in general) are in ldrs, so it's nice to know that so many of us are in the same boat.
 
Dug this thread up to whine a little. Missing my Fiancé terribly all of a sudden. Combination of a lot of things. Today is his birthday. He didn't answer his phone or FaceTime at midnight. Went to a pure romance party tonight (lol) at a friends house who lives there with her fiancé. Instantly started thinking of how nice it would be to have a house here with my SO. Also, my roommate's SO is here every weekend including now and she was upset that he missed one weekend...I would be ecstatic if my SO was here as much as hers... Currently snuggling with my cat and my SO's dog, wishing he was here and I can't sleep. Okay, end whine.

One of my roommates had her boyfriend here for every weekend. Last week he was here for something like 4-5 days... I wouldn't say that it makes me so jealous that I can't focus but it's definitely kind of sad. Now she's upset that it'll be a four hour drive for them to see each other... And I'm just sitting over here with my five-six hour plane flight 🙄
 
LDR is going so far so good. He just left with the dog after spending a lovely weekend together. We had a Dexter marathon of the last season since I feel wrong to watch Dexter by myself.

We talk every night for at least 10 mins. Sometimes we Donny have much to talk about so sometimes we'll talk just to say goodnight.

We only live 3hrs from each other so we are in a better situation than some of our classmates.
 
Hang in there, stb, it's a tough ride. When other people going through LDR complaining about only seeing their SO every other weekend make me want to scream, I just think of those people I know who go months on end without seeing their SOs and only talking to them infrequently and meanwhile their SO is in a war zone or a dangerous political situation or the middle of Africa or something. It gives me perspective and makes me grateful for what I do have, even if it's not as good as someone else's situation 🙂 Do you have plans to see him again sometime soon?

I was thinking about that too. I don't know how people with SO's in the military do it. Makes me feel a littlle better knowing that if I absolutely needed to see him I could drive 7 hours to him on a weekend. As of now, there's a possibility I might see him at the end of November if he can get off work. If he can't, then who knows when it will be next. Last year he had to work (away from home) on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Hopefully something pops up at work and gives a few days off before that but I'm not counting on it. We've been talking about next year getting our own place so he can feel comfortable staying as long as he wants in Ohio with me if he gets a good chunk of time off work.

👍 This. After hearing a classmate talk about her ldr with her boyfriend deployed overseas, I feel like my ldr sucks a lot less. She hasn't heard his voice in months and with the time difference it makes it really hard for them to even Facebook chat each other. Made me really grateful to know that my boyfriend is just a text or phone call away.

Plus I think a lot of people in our class (and vet school students in general) are in ldrs, so it's nice to know that so many of us are in the same boat.

Totally agree that overseas has got to be really tough. My SO doesn't have cell service at work but I can imessage on my ipad when I have wifi or send emails/facebook messages from my phone when I'm out.


One of my roommates had her boyfriend here for every weekend. Last week he was here for something like 4-5 days... I wouldn't say that it makes me so jealous that I can't focus but it's definitely kind of sad. Now she's upset that it'll be a four hour drive for them to see each other... And I'm just sitting over here with my five-six hour plane flight 🙄
👍
 
SO and I have been in a LDR for 2.5 years.... I don't know what happened- either getting married or starting vet school that has suddenly made it more difficult.. We are getting along fine, but I feel like he gives me a guilt trip a lot because I'm always studying. I can definitely tell my SO has become more needy since he got home from his deployment... Which is ok I guess.... But I wish he would just be ok with my study schedule instead of giving me a hard time about it.. Not to mention he says things like.... " Oh if you were here we could have our own place and blah blah blah " ... It just makes me sad because we cannot live together for a while... I don't know why he even brings it up! Grrr. <end rant>
 
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