- Joined
- Jul 11, 2016
- Messages
- 239
- Reaction score
- 359
He's been really good about it tbh. I respect that it is hard for him to come to the realization that his own mother turned out to be the horror MIL you think you'll only read about. Part of the situation is letting him deal with this at his own pace and terms. The last thing I want is for him (or his family) to think I'm pressuring him about pushing his mom away. It's gotta be all him and at his pace, and he's seeing firsthand how bad it's getting now that she's been less than subtle about these things. I have no doubt that he'll give her an ultimatum if it comes to that. It's been hard for me to express my feelings in a constructive way as well, so that doesn't help him. I think it's innate for someone to struggle with the idea that they may have to push their family away somewhat in order for their romantic relationship to survive. Movies and TV bombard us with the idea that anyone who comes between you and family should be kicked to the curb, but they neglect to discuss the situation when the family/a family member is toxic.
I mean, besides her treating me like crap, he's got a lot of childhood baggage that he's just now starting to unpack, because he's just now seeing/realizing what she put her family through when they were kids. We both had crappy childhoods, but at least I knew mine was bad when it was happening. It's gotta be hard to come to the realization that your mom clearly has had serious issues for a while, and you just didn't realize that what you went through wasn't normal. I do feel quite badly for him.
Oh man, no doubt about feeling bad for him! I had a difficult stepmom but your fiancé easily wins the difficult mother category. You’re also dead on about it probably being extremely difficult for him. He’s between 2 women he loves and that probably clouds his judgment on both sides.
I know this advice is unsolicited, so I won’t say anything more unless asked. I just see some things I feel obligated to point out, because no one did for me before I got married and it’s been very difficult to get to the good place we’re in now:
1) Don’t let his rough time be a reason you stick with the relationship even when your instincts are telling you to get out. I imagine that, if you’re going into medicine because you like to fix and help things, it might be a big pull to that relationship for you. Those issues are not going to be easily resolved. They aren’t impossible, but not easy.
2) There’s toxic family members and then there’s insane family members. From what you’ve said here, I have never heard of a potential MIL that bad. Trying to basically poison you with foods? Good. Lord. Do you really want that to be the potential grandma to your children? Or if you never have kids, do you really want to do deal with that for the rest of your life? Is one guy really worth a lifetime of that?
3) I got married pretty quickly. I was lonely and had never even dated before I met my now wife. There were issues in our relationship that I ignored because I unconsciously thought that she was the best I could do. I don’t know if you feel like that or not, but if so, please know it’s a lie. You deserve better, and you certainly don’t deserve to be miserable throughout your married life because of her. There really are other fish in the sea with family members who will love you like one of their own.
4) Don’t let pride keep you in the relationship. You might feel like you would be losing if you broke it off and she got her way. That’s not true.
5) It might feel like you have too much invested in the relationship to break it off, but imagine how you’ll feel after a wedding, multiple years of marriage, etc. Easier to do it now or then?
6) If you’re determined to stick it out, PLEASE see a counselor and get those things worked out before you get married. A counselor can be a HUGE help in communicating difficult things to someone you love. I’d even suggest pulling the MIL in after you and fiancé get on the same page. Just do it before the wedding.
Alright, I’m done. I really wish the best for you @pinkpuppy9 and I don’t envy the position you’re in!