Things I Learn From My Patients

[iliacus]

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I am Jesus.

Dear Jesus,

Can I get a little help with the Step II boards?

 

[gujuDoc]

LMAO at all of you with your comments to the Jesus thing. 😛

We used to have a guy at our school who used to do Karate like stuff outside of the science buildigs. This guy always would be outside barefooted and with his shirt off. Had long golden blonde hair and skinny much like all the Jesus paintings, that we used to call him Jesus whenever we'd see him.

 

[Miami_med]

Dear Jesus,

Can I get a little help with the Step II boards?

Might cost you some indulgances to help pay for the "Jesus is broke" fund 😉

 

[docB]

Might cost you some indulgances to help pay for the "Jesus is broke" fund 😉

Asking for $$$. See! He's not Jesus. He's Jimmy Swaggart.😀

 

[Wackie]

Dear Jesus,

Can I get a little help with the Step II boards?

Dear Jesus,


What do you charge for lawn care? Just mowing and trimming, no weeding.

Thanks

 

[Miami_med]

Asking for $$$. See! He's not Jesus. He's Jimmy Swaggart.😀

 

[umza]

very severe diabetic foot ulcers due to callous removal with cheese grater.
D/C recommendations, do not use cheese grater on your feet.

young guy comes to emerg with a complaint of getting his penis caught in the toilet seat...swollen up. very sore. No treatment required.

 

[Depakote]

I recently learned that I am Jesus.

Big fan. Keep up the good work. 👍

 

[DropkickMurphy]

I am Jesus

Can you please tell your hypocritical followers from Campus Crusades from Christ to stop bothering me over the fact that I've become an atheist? I made the mistake of telling them that when they came around handing out Bibles once and now they won't stop trying to convert me.

 

[DropkickMurphy]

very severe diabetic foot ulcers due to callous removal with cheese grater.
D/C recommendations, do not use cheese grater on your feet.

I see you've met my grandfather. 🙄 BTW I'm not kidding.

 

[rales]

Hey, guess what? If it's 2:30 AM and you're "all likkered up" it's not a great idea to clean your carbeurator...with gasoline...in a garage...with the engine running...while smoking a cigarette. Really.

On the other hand, if you're attempting to hide from the mob, or maybe international assassins, and you're looking to disguise your appearance, this method works pretty well.

-r

 

[2BAnIDrNoMore]

This thread is hilarious; I look forward to EM!

The following isn't as funny as most of the situations on this thread but I'll share a past opt exp:

I learned that if your patient has to go to the bathroom, it's perfectly ok for him to pull down his pants, in the exam room, and pee in your trash can. Luckily, he was polite enough to say, "Oooooookkkkkk honey, I"m all finshed in here...you can come in now!"

He could of at least washed his hands!

 

[ISR]

Can you please tell your hypocritical followers from Campus Crusades from Christ to stop bothering me over the fact that I've become an atheist? I made the mistake of telling them that when they came around handing out Bibles once and now they won't stop trying to convert me.

I was raised Catholic and recently dealt with a band of Jehovah’s Witnesses who came around attempting to "enlighten me" and "save my soul." These individuals preached that only 144,000 would be rulers in heaven and that if I wanted to be counted amongst that number I should "open my eyes to the truth" and join their number.

I looked this young man straight in the eye and said, "Only 144,000 make it into heaven?" (JW) "That's right, time is running out!" (Me) "So, if I convert, I have a chance?" (JW) "Yes, it's your only chance!" (Me) "So...what happenes if I take -your- place?" (JW) <silence> (Me) "Well?" (JW) <silence>

 

[OMMFan]

This thread (or the Part I, anyway) is referenced in the following SFGate.com article about foreign objects people put in their rectums just before they meet their friendly ER physician. God, I miss home.


Hard Lessons in Local Pathology
What are the Bay Area's most common rectal foreign objects? Violet Blue finds out

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2007/07/26/violetblue.DTL

 

[gujuDoc]

Can you please tell your hypocritical followers from Campus Crusades from Christ to stop bothering me over the fact that I've become an atheist? I made the mistake of telling them that when they came around handing out Bibles once and now they won't stop trying to convert me.

What's the worst are those campus crusaders that go around holding up signs saying everyone who is anything but a perfect saint and christian is going to hell.

There's one guy who makes it a career to go around carrying signs telling people how they are going to hell and then starts calling all sorts of people he doesn't know bad names like sluts or things like that just because they are in a sorority or whatever. Its really ******ed.

The next most annoying thing next to him are the idiots who go around trying pass out new testaments to you. That annoys the sh1t out of me.

 

[AML]

This is an amazingly funny thread. Sad and twisted, but funny.


Probably belongs more on a gyn thread but here you go...

Pelvic being done on 30yo f, G7P3, and patient says as palpation begins, "You should know I've got a retroverted uterus." Doctor does not find uterus normally positioned, and remarks to patient, "Did you know your uterus is tipped?!" 🙄

Also, I would like to have a nickel for every medical professional who, upon finding out that the nice middle class woman has her back fully tattooed, says, "Hey, did you know someone drew on your back?"

Yeah, I was there for that, so I do know.😉


Though now I do understand why it is you don't believe I know what meds I'm on and dosages....no one else apparently does.

 

[BADMD]

Apparently, pouring "dog water" (water from the dog's bowl) into someone's mouth, while they sleep, makes a person stop smoking. Interestingly, the recipient of this therapy insists that the saliva component of dog water is poisonous, and actually causes one's heart to stop beating. Fortunately, there is an antidote for dog water induced cardiac arrest.

I have been informed that I am a bad doctor for a) not knowing about this antidote and b) not providing this life saving therapy.

I refrained from contacting Poison Control to see if there are any new treatments for dog water exposure that I may have missed.

 

[OMMFan]

I have been informed that I am a bad doctor for a) not knowing about this antidote and b) not providing this life saving therapy.

Your username makes it clear that this was bound to happen. I hope this stunning illustration of why you chose to call yourself "BADMD" (a cry for help, perhaps?) will help you to accept that you are indeed a "bad MD."

(For the antidote to dog water poisoning, may I suggest an exploratory trip to an exotic locale likely to produce such a rare compound?)

I wish you the best of luck in finding the appropriate 12-step program or psychiatrist to learn why you insist on being "BADMD." I await the day when I will read your posts and note a new username: "GOODMD."

 

[Febrifuge]

Hard Lessons in Local Pathology
What are the Bay Area's most common rectal foreign objects? Violet Blue finds out
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2007/07/26/violetblue.DTL

OMG! Violet Blue read/s this thread? That is so cool. I love her writing. Here's to freaky people; I look forward to treating freaky people later in my career.

 

[BIG STUPID]

I recently learned that I am Jesus.

Damn, that's a lot of pressure.
Thanks for everything.

 

[BIG STUPID]

1) DO NOT think that the best way to hail a cab is to step into a traffic lane 150 feet in front of a cab travelling at 40 mph! Instead of the cab ride, you will receive a flying lesson. You will die. BADLY!
The cabbie (me) will lose control, strike 3 cars and a bus stop before spending several days in the hospital and a year in the care of a psych nurse practitioner. My passenger will also die of a heart attack.

2) It is possible for a Power mower to discharge a rock with sufficient force to knock you out as you drive down the street. This can cause you to rear end a parked flatbed tow truck, resulting in a 45 minute extracation and causing several witnesses to reaffirm thier fath in God when you emerge from the carnage unharmed except for an impressive welt on your head and seatbelt/airbag burns.

3) After suffering a contact range GSW THROUGH your left hand while struggling with a robber for control of YOUR OWN GUN, don't bother asking the specialist attempting to determine whether you'll keep whats left, if you'll ever play the piano. Yes, he's heard it before, and no he didn't think it was funny. Also asking the ER nurse how you're supposed to beat off now will not earn you any new friends (I heart morphine-er mofine!).

* Note; After reading comments re; how people could stand to shoot themselves multiple times, I can tell you that a .357 hollow point round fired point blank through your hand feels much like barehanding a line drive, the real pain and shock takes a little bit to catch up.

Yes, these all happened to me, after driving a taxi for 12 tears in Phoenix, I've been shot twice, stabbed twice, and received several beatings, I'm a WalMart greeter now.


Thanks for all you do. Ignore the ******* haters!

 

[BIG STUPID]

Whoops, double post

 

[Ersatz Artist]

This is a 2fer.
1. If you are an alcoholic, don't pass out on your in-floor gas furnace set on high.
2. If you are a neighbor, call 911 a little earlier for someone passed out on the floor.

After getting up for work a neighbor called 911 about 4am after noticing the pt hadn't moved in about 15-20 hours. ("I figured he's was jus' drunk"). The pt. literally slow roasted himself. We were paged out to a "unconscious person", so we didn't know the circumstances. When we got out of the truck, my partner looked at me and said, "What drunk dingus is grilling at 4am?" Ah, the irony....

I've been lurking 'round these parts for a few days now. I had to register to comment on this. My husband and I just about peed we laughed so hard. This entire thread has kept me completely enthralled. I'm so baking the ED folks some of my sinfully wonderful cookies the next time I have to go pay them a visit. Thanks for all you guys do!

 

[Wackie]

I've been lurking 'round these parts for a few days now. I had to register to comment on this. My husband and I just about peed we laughed so hard. This entire thread has kept me completely enthralled. I'm so baking the ED folks some of my sinfully wonderful cookies the next time I have to go pay them a visit. Thanks for all you guys do!

Everyone likes cards. Food from patients makes us nervous because perhaps the person wasn't happy about their service (though we may eat it anyway).

 

[BIG STUPID]

Everyone likes cards. Food from patients makes us nervous because perhaps the person wasn't happy about their service (though we may eat it anyway).

I have a phobia about food prepared by someone I don't know (yet for some reason I have no problem eating in resteraunts), this came up occasionally over the years, I always thank the person, then throw the food out.

 

[Annette]

If you have time to bake cookies before coming to the ED, do you really need to come to the ED?????

 

[SoCuteMD]

If you have time to bake cookies before coming to the ED, do you really need to come to the ED?????

I was wondering the same thing, but figured I'd keep my mouth shut on the off chance I'd get cookies out of the deal.

"What? You've had a cough and a runny nose for three days and you think this is an emer..." *spies cookies* "Yes ma'am, we'll take care of that RIGHT AWAY." 😛

 

[deuist]

If you have a tattoo that says "THUG" on one arm, complaining about getting shot and then crying as I change your dressing will be a real disservice to your body art.

 

[Jeff698]

If you have a tattoo that says "THUG" on one arm, complaining about getting shot and then crying as I change your dressing will be a real disservice to your body art.

With rare exceptions, I find an direct relationship between the magnitude of the whimp factor and the number of tatoos.

Take care,
Jeff

 

[Chronic Student]

With rare exceptions, I find an direct relationship between the magnitude of the whimp factor and the number of tatoos.

Take care,
Jeff

Man you are not kidding. Had a big Harley riding guy in our office yesterday to remove a HALO. Tatoos all over his arms, neck, belly, even the filled-in teardrop under his eye.

I'm removing one of the pins and he is tearing up and asked his wife to hold his hand and then starts wailing at the top of his lungs about the pain. The funny thing is the pin was already well clear of his skin and I was just unscrewing it from the frame and yes I was steadying the frame.

I'm pretty far from macho, but please have some self respect. Any random 6 YO would have had more dignity.

-Mike

 

[gujuDoc]

Man you are not kidding. Had a big Harley riding guy in our office yesterday to remove a HALO. Tatoos all over his arms, neck, belly, even the filled-in teardrop under his eye.

I'm removing one of the pins and he is tearing up and asked his wife to hold his hand and then starts wailing at the top of his lungs about the pain. The funny thing is the pin was already well clear of his skin and I was just unscrewing it from the frame and yes I was steadying the frame.

I'm pretty far from macho, but please have some self respect. Any random 6 YO would have had more dignity.

-Mike

I wonder if it is that they are really in pain or more of a fact that they feel less macho and helpless that has them wailing like this.

 

[ISR]

I wonder if it is that they are really in pain or more of a fact that they feel less macho and helpless that has them wailing like this.

I think it's a combination of the two. The helplessness definately feeds the pain response. It's hard for some people to just sit back and allow someone else to take care of them...and getting metal pins unscrewed from your skin and bones while you watch can be pretty frightening...I think that magnifies the pain response.

A lot of the guys I see at the burn center have very suprising reactions to procedures. The ones you would have figured would grit their teeth and tough it out end up being the ones who bawl their eyes out, beg for frighteningly large amounts of pain medication, swear that it isn't working, work themselves up into hysterics, etc. Not to doubt the fact that they have pain, but some of the toughest guys go over the top. Then you get the little quiet ones who barely even whimper when you make them get up and walk on feet that are missing skin. Boggles the mind

 

[Ersatz Artist]

If you have time to bake cookies before coming to the ED, do you really need to come to the ED?????

Well, I meant AFTERWARD, but hey, I could whip up a batch and stash them in the freezer. Although, I see your points about food from strange folks. I'd be leery too. Alright, cards it is then. And a pizza, you medical folks seem to like your pizza 😉

 

[Miami_med]

I must admit, I do like pizza.

 

[Troodon]

One: if you're nicking drums of acid from the emergency services, make sure that what you're stealing to make meth is actually hydrochloric acid, as opposed to hydrofluoric acid. Because that doesn't end up being fun for anyone.

What sort of emergency services have drums of HF? I'm not sure that you can even store it in a drum (not a normal drum, at least), and it seems that a drum of it would be good only for causing emergencies.

That said, perhaps I'm just ignorant of the many benefits of having hydrofluoric acid around. I wouldn't go anywhere near such stuff - I like having bones too much.


Edit: I can't believe I originally wrote the formula as "HFl". I've got a major in chemistry! At least I didn't call it "flourine".

 

[Wackie]

Something I learned the other day:
Never ask *why* they drank bleach water.

 

[gujuDoc]

I must admit, I do like pizza.

Hahaha all the talk of pizza reminds me of the undergrad premed organizations. I always had to laugh at the fact that most of those organizations would lure people in with food and most of the time what they wanted was Pizza. They preferred it to subs anyhow. I think Pizza is one of the few things most people like everywhere. Even my friend who normally hates cheese as it pertains to anything else loves Pizza.

 

[Miami_med]

Hahaha all the talk of pizza reminds me of the undergrad premed organizations. I always had to laugh at the fact that most of those organizations would lure people in with food and most of the time what they wanted was Pizza. They preferred it to subs anyhow. I think Pizza is one of the few things most people like everywhere. Even my friend who normally hates cheese as it pertains to anything else loves Pizza.

That pretty much sums up how all of the med school organizations work too. In third year, things get way more interesting when people sponsor grand rounds, and the food gets slightly more expensive. Sometimes though, I miss the good old days.

 

[deuist]

I learned that when you try to commit suicide by shooting yourself, you should aim for your brain. If you point the gun down, you'll blow off your face, live through the ordeal, and then have to spend weeks in rehab and under Baker Act.

 

[deuist]

I learned that if you have a tattoo that says "thug," you are going to get shot---guaranteed. This is only my third night on-call and I've already had two shooting victims with "thug" tattoos.

 

[Arcan57]

If your boyfriend has been admitted for 4 hours for losing anal beads into his urethra and then unsuccessfully trying to retrieve them with a crochet needle, it's important to charge out of the room and accost the nearest doctor for Retin-A for your boyfriend (who doesn't currently use Retin-A).

You will then earn bonus points, when you find out we don't carry it in the Pyxis, by saying "But he needs it now!" The doctor will enjoy the opportunity to practice his poker face.

 

[OB1🤙]

for losing anal beads into his urethra

Holy Expansile Tissue, Batman! Diameter of aforementioned beads?

😱

 

[DropkickMurphy]

From the CCM-L:

45F. Cachectic. Long-term blood dyscrasia. HIV negative, Cryptococcal meningitis.

"Ma'am, what do you eat on a regular day?"

"Cocaine and semen."

 

[Chronic Student]

I feel soo unclean after reading that.

I'll be back after a shower and a brain scrub.

-Mike

 

[ERMudPhud]

If you take a machete to a fight make sure no one takes it from you because they will try to chop your hand of with it.

 

[scrubsaresexy]

Hahaha all the talk of pizza reminds me of the undergrad premed organizations. I always had to laugh at the fact that most of those organizations would lure people in with food and most of the time what they wanted was Pizza. They preferred it to subs anyhow. I think Pizza is one of the few things most people like everywhere. Even my friend who normally hates cheese as it pertains to anything else loves Pizza.

It's the same at my school. I only go to club meetings for food. The first weeks of the semester, every club bribes people with food, so you can pretty much pick your meal (Do I want pizza or cookies for dinner?)

By the way, this thread is so much better if you get really busy for a few months and then have 2 or 3 pages of delicious stupidity to read through. 😀

Speaking of the few months when I was really busy, I had an awesome call when I was doing my EMT-B ridealongs.
We get dispatched for a 60 yr old male pt with chest pains. Get there to this...crazy...lady who had literally barricaded herself into her kind of creepy apartment. CC: "my rear end hurts" because of her hemorrhoids. And then she says that her stomach has hurt for the past two days, since she last took her psych meds, but it feels better now. Then she tells us about how her neighbors are out to get her. I think we asked her 5 or 6 times whether she had pain anywhere else.

So we get to the ED and we're waiting for a triage nurse, and I'm trying to be a good EMT student and talk to the crazy lady so that I get a good review from my preceptor. After about 20 minutes in the ED, she says to me, out of the blue "I had a heart attack once. It was in 2000. They didn't believe me until they hooked me up to a monitor. They thought I was crazy." I can't imagine why. I tell the paramedic I'm with; she just shrugs. So much for past pertinent history.

Triage nurse comes over and starts to take her blood pressure, and asks the lady what hurts.
"My chest."
Evil glare from the traige nurse at us. "Can you point to where it hurts."
Crazy lady points to sternum. "It's like its crushing me."
More evil glares at us. "Can you tell me how much it hurts on a scale of 1-10."
"Oh, it's a 10."
Yeehaw. Crushing substernal chest pain, 10/10, and we didn't even put her on O2. We asked her why she didn't tell us, and she said she was too scared to tell us.

Lesson learned: Crazy people are out to get you! 🙄

 

[kayakchick]

Thank you for your humor and showing your human side! Having been on the seriously injured (MVA Car vs Motorcycle resulting in an Traumatic AKA-Left Leg) ER docs rule. Screw naysayers who gripe about the dark humor.

My minor funny story in the ER:

Met a nurse who was on duty the night of my accident (Mind you its 12 yrs later). Knowing I had my shirt cut off me under protest since it was my favorite I jokingly told her I'd like back before I leave. Of course, she knew I was kidding.

All that to say I truly love what you do in the ER. What you see and endure deserves this forum and its deep, dark humor. Thanks for everything and thank you for being part of the medical profession that made a HUGE difference in my life one night long ago.

(and yes, the law of inverse is the truth...the more serious the reason for the visit, the less griping by the patient.)

You folks rock. Mucho kudos. 😍

 

[unfunk]

Hi all.. I'm no med student or anything, but this thread has kept me entertained for the last couple of weeks while I've been battling the 'flu (it's nasty down here this year!).. I thought I could add in a couple of my own lessons from my time as a bike courier (Messengers, according to the American types), if you don't mind...

Firstly though;

Pain makes people weird. Sometimes they literally cannot perceive, in the moment, that things are really under control and will soon be okay.

I suffer from Sciatica.
For the past six months or so, it's been fine, but occasionally it flares up, and when it does, there is nothing I wouldn't do for relief, and even though the strongest pain relief meds I can get my hands on don't do anything more than take the edge off it (and will probably turn me into a heroin user in the long term...), I'm often a complete buttwipe until they've kicked in...

And now, things I've learned from being a bike courier, and from others in the field:

1) There is no accident so hard that it will keep a courier lying on the road for more than a split second after it. Broken leg/s? Pick that bike up and run to the kerb before you get hit by the car behind you.

1b) If said accident is the result of somebody else's inattentiveness (or even perceived to be so), then looking after any injuries sustained will be secondary to abusing the other party involved.

I'd say these things are a result of that whole adrenalin-blocking-pain-sensors thing that allows Thug-tatt-man to be shot, yet whimper at the sight of a needle.

2) It is possible to ride one's bike while unconscious or asleep. I know this because I've done both of these things. The first one was after a rather nasty accident which left my helmet in several pieces. I regained consciousness outside my work's offices about an hour after the accident. At 10pm. On a Saturday night. The second one was, well.. I was pretty tired, I guess, and I had the 'dawn shift' that day. I woke up about three miles from where I was supposed to be.

3) JRAing (Just Riding Along) is what cyclists do instead of SOCMOBing, and the "Dude brothers have" an extended family; "Idiot Driver" "Damned Taxi" and "***** Pedestrian" (Some Guy, perhaps?). "Lycra Lady" (a gender neutral title) is also the sworn enemy of all couriers, and will entice Courierman to do reckless things (aka JRA)

If somebody has been JRAing, then you can bet that Idiot Driver will have decided to run them off the road, or Damned Taxi will do a U-turn without checking his mirrors first, or ***** Pedestrian will walk in front of them.

Note: That last one will usually result in a visit to you guys from ***** Pedestrian

Oh yes. JRAing quite often results in spontaneous mechanical failure of some vital component, such as, I dunno, folding a wheel in half, or snapping the frame...

Anyway, thanks for putting up with this post guys - you're doing a bang-up job; both here, and in the ER... It's almost inspiring me to want to be in EM, just so I can also share fantastic tales of the strange goings on in the place, although I suspect that you guys have it worse off up in America, than we would in Australia...

👍 👍 👍 👍 👍 😍

 

[gujuDoc]

If your child has sickle cell disease, please tell me. Please. 'Cause then I'll know to check a CBC, which will let me know that your child has a Hb of 4.2.

So what did I learn from this patient? Don't trust parents. Yeah yeah yeah, I know, I should know that already. But somehow, it always seemed to me that parents lied less...

More fool me.

I was volunteering at a clinic's free immunization day reading to kids and giving free books out this past saturday and the people I was with said something that applies to your post......

"Parents are more likely to lie". "Its the kids who won't lie cuz they are more innocent at that age."

 

[unfunk]

Something I learned the other day:
Never ask *why* they drank bleach water.

OK, so curiosity has gotten the better of me...


....why did this person drink bleach water?