Things I Learn From My Patients

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coldcoldworld said:
Not sure if it made the national news but we recently had a suburban cop call 911 and told that dispatcher that he and his girlfriend had overdosed on marijuana. Apparently he had pinched a bit from the evidence room and used them to cook up a "special" pan of brownies. I'm not sure if EMS made the run or not but it's still a great story.

The real news was that apparently he was allowed to simply resign without facing any real discipline or charges.
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I heard about that. good stuff.

found the story.
 
leviathan said:
The emergency department is a fantastic place to go at 7pm for writer's cramp in your hand. It is an even better idea to yell at the ED staff when they tell you that it might be hours before you're looked after. Your chart might just keep getting bumped back further in the Fast Track system.
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Pain was 10/10, right?


Would writer's block go before writer's cramp? Because writer's block could be symptoms of CVA, right?



A F pt c/o "neighbors having oral sex inside her head". We joked about consulting neurosurgery.
 
Wackie said:
A F pt c/o "neighbors having oral sex inside her head". We joked about consulting neurosurgery.
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Oh, God! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! I need some mental-floss now. 😱
 
geordon said:
Oh, God! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! I need some mental-floss now. 😱
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See...this is why someone needs to invent "brain bleach" Some things once seen/heard/read cannot be unseen/unheard/unread
 
plastic urinals also double as drinking cups!
 
OK, for those of you who are wondering.

It's not a good idea to dive of a roof into the shallow end of the pool (3-feet deep). You will badly shatter one of your cervical vertebrae and why you are not a quad will really surprise me.

You will then undergo an 8-hour operation and you'll be in that c-collar for 3-5 months. Happy, happy, joy, joy!

No, not drunk and not on drugs. Just dumb.

-Mike
 
POD #1 from a lumbar laminectomy is the perfect time to toddle down the street in your gown, with your PCA morphine to get some smokes from the corner store.
 
Oh, I forgot this one...if a mentally ill patient calls 911 from their bed and tells the dispatcher that "they are having an orgy in the nurse's station," the local cops will actually show up. Boy were they disappointed.
 
Should you be running from the police after setting fire to your squatter apt that you share with your boyfriend (who just sent you to jail last week for breaking his nose) be sure to pick up a large slab of concrete and tuck it into the front of your panties to defend yourself should the police try to give you the "smackdown". Be sure to threaten the hospital staff in the trauma bay when they cut off your clothes and find your weapon with your own "smackdown". The ED people love that!
 
Don't pick up hitchickers.

After you get into a fight with him while driving, he will try and bite off your ear. You will then need to push him out the door so he can get run over by an 18-wheeler.

You can't make this stuff up, it should be in a movie or something.

-Mike
 
Chronic Student said:
Don't pick up hitchickers.

After you get into a fight with him while driving, he will try and bite off your ear. You will then need to push him out the door so he can get run over by an 18-wheeler.

You can't make this stuff up, it should be in a movie or something.

-Mike
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Wow.
 
Apparently, 10/10 knee pain will not stop your from walking to and from the bus stop to get to the ER, then proceed to chase you granddaughter around the waiting room and playing horsey ride with her, ON YOUR 10/10 KNEE!!!!
 
If you're massively immunosupressed, the attending on service is going to love it when she can't find you in your room because you've been repeatedly making trips to the bar down the street for a burger and a beer.

This is almost as good as the patient with the chronic lung infection who's 02 sats were somewhere just above 85 and would leave the unit to go smoke (wish this one was less common).
 
If you're in your late 20's and uncomfortable in your male body taking high dose hormones might result in you suffering a stroke and an MI and will leave you limping around the ward with a 25% EF looking like a half she-male 😱
 
While illegal smuggling may pay the bills, pointing an AK-47 at the ATF agent who has been tailing you really isn't a great idea. Really.
 
Depakote said:
If you're massively immunosupressed, the attending on service is going to love it when she can't find you in your room because you've been repeatedly making trips to the bar down the street for a burger and a beer.

This is almost as good as the patient with the chronic lung infection who's 02 sats were somewhere just above 85 and would leave the unit to go smoke (wish this one was less common).
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Tom's? That might be worth it.... :idea:
 
Pingouin,

I absolutely love your avatar. I had that clip on my machine awhile back and, every time I'd watch it, I'd grin. Then I'd watch it awhile longer and start giggling. A little while later and I can't stop laughing. Then I'm laughing at my inability to stop laughing at something thats really pretty silly. Yes, I'm very easily amused. That makes it even funnier.

Perfect. 🙂

Take care,
Jeff

BTW, penguins are SO sensitive. To my needs.

And, just in case you're wondering, I don't go for fancy cars
For diamond rings
Or movie stars
I go for penguins
 
Jeff698 said:
Pingouin,

I absolutely love your avatar. I had that clip on my machine awhile back and, every time I'd watch it, I'd grin. Then I'd watch it awhile longer and start giggling. A little while later and I can't stop laughing. Then I'm laughing at my inability to stop laughing at something thats really pretty silly. Yes, I'm very easily amused. That makes it even funnier.

Perfect. 🙂

Take care,
Jeff

BTW, penguins are SO sensitive. To my needs.

And, just in case you're wondering, I don't go for fancy cars
For diamond rings
Or movie stars
I go for penguins
Click to expand...
Jeff, you're pretty much describing exactly why I have this avatar in the first place. It's an old joke with a former coworker- we'd sit in her office and watch it over and over and over... with our own sound effects- "Boop!" :laugh: (We were working at a county mental health center at the time- your tax dollars hard at work.)

When I saw that it was available as an avatar....... the rest is history.

PS To get this remotely back on topic, I'm an ER social worker at a major trauma center. The only contribution I can think of is a lesson for the residents: When looking at xrays, if your attending tells you that yes, that IS a pen "up there" on that 3 year old, trust him. It's a pen.
 
oh one other thing I've learned so far..

The severity of a trauma is proportional to the ease of getting family to the ER to be with their child.

Minor leg lac? One phone call- "We'll be RIGHT THERE!"

GSW? Get hung up on x3, 2 numbers disconnected, get passed to 5 different persons at the home once someone finally is willing to talk, wind up having to send police to the home to pick up the parent and bring them in b/c of transportation issues.
 
pingouin said:
Tom's? That might be worth it.... :idea:
Click to expand...

Yes, actually. 😱

Jeff698 said:
Pingouin,

I absolutely love your avatar. I had that clip on my machine awhile back and, every time I'd watch it, I'd grin. Then I'd watch it awhile longer and start giggling. A little while later and I can't stop laughing. Then I'm laughing at my inability to stop laughing at something thats really pretty silly. Yes, I'm very easily amused. That makes it even funnier.

Perfect. 🙂

Take care,
Jeff

BTW, penguins are SO sensitive. To my needs.

And, just in case you're wondering, I don't go for fancy cars
For diamond rings
Or movie stars
I go for penguins
Click to expand...

penguinsho7.jpg
 
I learned this from a tv show: if a patient asks for a "KGB" they probably mean an EKG. Or at least this patient did.
 
taught myself this the other day... As an adult, you should know better than to grab the hot turkey thermometer after it has been in the BBQ for 15 minutes.
 
I'm currently just in the works of most likely switching over to pre-med, I've had an interest in medicine for years though. However, I really must say these two threads are absolutely hilarious. Nothing but appreciation for what you guys have to put up with. Next time I find myself in the ER (I'm a high level Gymnast, so it could be soon) I just may have to remember to bring a pizza or Chinese with me. 🙂
If you develop a sore on your scrotum, by all means come on the internet rather than scheduling an appointment with your doctor and ask "IS THERE A DOCTOR HERE?!" When you then describe to me what sounds more like herpes or a simple sore/bug bite (odd place to have one I know.. but I did once. Don't ask hah.) by all means say "Oh ok, well that makes me worry less. I've been crying all night thinking I had cancer on my balls man, herpes is much better." Don't be surprised and start crying again when I tell you there is no cure for Herpes. I have no idea whatever came of him.

This happened while I was in High School. If you have a trip to Italy scheduled for vacation and are bringing your mother (my grandmother) along, please ask the doctor whether or not she had a stroke, as she WILL lie to you about it. Then once in Italy, ignore your constipation for 4 days so that at 1.30am your son (my father) can drive you to the closest hospital (hour and a half away) so you can be prescribed some sort of laxative. Once you are back at 4am, by all means take 5x the amount the doctor told you to, so 6 hours later you can lose complete control of your bowel, all over the couch and floor of the villa your son has rented and let you stay at for free; thus completely ruining the couch, and I would assume permanently staining the floors, as we were unable to completely remove the marks from the tile. Furthermore, lie to your family about the amount you took, and have your son bring you back to the hospital with the medication in hand. Once the Italian doctor sees how much you took, he can laugh [in your face] and ask "Were you drinking it from a glass??" while you pitifully cry because of your own idiocy.
Furthermore, when you're in a public place, make a HUGE scene by screaming at the top of your lungs, and hitting your son, when he tells you that upon returning home to America, you should really make an appointment with your doctor to have a full physical done.
That was a really, really fun trip.

Oh, and doctors.. If a 5 year old boy is brought in with a torn open chin from falling off his bike, and scraping it on the pavement, do not suddenly say "That is the most horrible thing I've ever seen" when you look at my chin and can see the bone. At 5 years old, it's really not going to help me. 😀 Needless to say, I took I believe it was 21 stitches from that wonderful fall.
 
DevonL said:
Oh, and doctors.. If a 5 year old boy is brought in with a torn open chin from falling off his bike, and scraping it on the pavement, do not suddenly say "That is the most horrible thing I've ever seen" when you look at my chin and can see the bone. At 5 years old, it's really not going to help me. 😀 Needless to say, I took I believe it was 21 stitches from that wonderful fall.
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He was either joking with you to make you feel better, or you got some pre-med shadower to sew you up. 21 stitches is nothing. The techs can do that. If that was the worst that particular person had seen, they were very, very green.
 
Dr.McNinja said:
He was either joking with you to make you feel better, or you got some pre-med shadower to sew you up. 21 stitches is nothing. The techs can do that. If that was the worst that particular person had seen, they were very, very green.
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hah believe me, I by no means think it was something bad I honestly cannot even remember how old the doctor was; like I said.. 5 years old so my memory is a bit foggy from the event! Even at this point of time I've seen worse happen in my Gym and at meets (IE, broken necks).
 
I learned, without evidence to back it up but it's true I swear, that fibroids and pregnancy are the same thing. There is no difference. Absolutely no difference. Don't argue with me cuz dat's what the hospital dun tol' me [explicative]!
Learnings from this same patient teaches that when an ultrasound is done and you can see the baby...be very careful. It's a trick the staff is trying to pull on you! They're really all liars!
 
If you are a homicide detective, don't allow your murder suspect, the one you just arrested at the scene of strangling his girlfriend, outside to smoke a cigarette on the fourth floor balcony of the jail. Even if there is no way down, because, really, what's he going to do? Jump? Yes, he will jump.

Had this one back when I was a paramedic. We were called by the boyfriend to someone that "just passed out" from an overdose, but when we got there the pt was in rigor, the apartment was destroyed from a fight and we saw strangulation marks. I asked the police to kindly restrain the boyfriend. A few hours later we were called back to the jail for a fall. The whole time I kept thinking, "This guy looks so familiar... Ahhhhhh, it's strangulation boy!!!" The alpha and omega of emergency medicine at it's best....
 
This is a 2fer.
1. If you are an alcoholic, don't pass out on your in-floor gas furnace set on high.
2. If you are a neighbor, call 911 a little earlier for someone passed out on the floor.

After getting up for work a neighbor called 911 about 4am after noticing the pt hadn't moved in about 15-20 hours. ("I figured he's was jus' drunk"). The pt. literally slow roasted himself. We were paged out to a "unconscious person", so we didn't know the circumstances. When we got out of the truck, my partner looked at me and said, "What drunk dingus is grilling at 4am?" Ah, the irony....
 
Friend of mine:

If you happen to see 2 men lying in the yard from morning until late afternoon, unmoving...don't call the police, or an ambulance...surely someone will call for help.

Yeah, my friend and his buddy, were actually fine...out for a long night of drinking, got a ride home around 3am, and passed out before reaching the door. Woke up in around 6pm...and realized they had been lying in the yard for the past 15 hours.

Not really an ER/EM story...but i found it funny
 
This week I learned why most folks don't launch bottle rockets from between their naked but cheeks....if you grip a little too tightly the bottle rocket will not fly away, it will give you a second degree burn around 20cmx20 cm to both buttocks and your lower back( and catch your t-shirt on fire). then, when you decide that's a bad thing, grabbing said rocket with your dominant hand will cause a second degree burn there as well......
when asked why he had done this he said, "well, it's not like I had it up my butthole or something stupid like that"....ooooooh that explains it.....
 
Acute hair loss secondary to a "pal" shaving a circle on top of your head IS an emergency.
Seriously people...
 
Today I learned that if you continually smoke crack through your trach that it gets all gunked up and gross and disgusting. And, when you keep leaving because we're "not doin' nothin'" (besides suctioning that disgusting trach, ordering a replacement for your funky model from central supply on Sunday evening, which we don't happen to have in the department), we won't feel too keen on you screaming "I can't breathe! I can't breathe!" when you turn up again.
Ugh.
 
Today I learned that this could quite possibly be the funniest thread I have ever read. Ever. Period.
 
ditch doctor said:
Nothing that we don't already know... Just that stepping in front of a car going 40-50mph is bad, really bad....
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Ditto for jumping out of a moving car.....apparently "tucking and rolling" doesn't do much to alleviate serious injury when the car is moving at highway speeds.....
 
Is this a fair trade? Guy cheats on wife with the a girl. Girl brings him to the ED because his knee is swollen from "playing soccer." Knee is blown up, hot, and very tender. Guy calls wife. Girl leaves. Tap the knee and find GC. Ask the guy if he had any discharge from his penis. "Jess, but I think it...how do you say in English??"...."sperm?" Guy asks if his recently departed "friend" gave him GC. Can't say yes or no...Guy get's pissed and curses "friend" out in spanish. I start my H&P...on review of systems he tells me he get's "sores down there" then confesses he has genital herpes. She gave him GC and he probably gave her the herp. Who got the worse deal?...My vote is for the wife 🙁
 
BeetleMama said:
um, do you need to take a vacation with the ice-water guy back there or is this something someone has called you? do tell....
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Well, the conversation goes something like this (all with the same patient on the same day):

Encounter #1:

Patient: Do you know that you look like my lord and savior Jesus Christ
Me: I've heard that before

Encounter #2:
Patient: Excuse me sir, have you ever been to Jerusalem
Me: No
Patient: Where are you from?
Me: Florida
Patient: I've always wanted to go to Jerusalem

Encounter #4 (Will skip #3, because it's irrelevant)
Patient: Oh thank you
Me: You're welcome, but I didn't do anything
Patient: I know you do all.

Encounter #5
No talking. I walk past patient in crowded hallway and put my hand on her shoulder to stop myself from bumping in to her. She looks at me longingly, kisses her own shoulder and begins to pray to me (I have witnesses).

So what did I learn from my patient? I am Jesus.
 
Miami_med said:
Well, the conversation goes something like this (all with the same patient on the same day):

Encounter #1:

Patient: Do you know that you look like my lord and savior Jesus Christ
Me: I've heard that before

Encounter #2:
Patient: Excuse me sir, have you ever been to Jerusalem
Me: No
Patient: Where are you from?
Me: Florida
Patient: I've always wanted to go to Jerusalem

Encounter #4 (Will skip #3, because it's irrelevant)
Patient: Oh thank you
Me: You're welcome, but I didn't do anything
Patient: I know you do all.

Encounter #5
No talking. I walk past patient in crowded hallway and put my hand on her shoulder to stop myself from bumping in to her. She looks at me longingly, kisses her own shoulder and begins to pray to me (I have witnesses).

So what did I learn from my patient? I am Jesus.
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
 
:laugh:😀:laugh:

Well, if you're any good at the miracle thing old chap, my husband would like a new knee if it's not to much trouble 🙂
 
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