Things I Learn From My Patients

Discussion in 'Emergency Medicine' started by docB, 05.02.03.

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  1. Daiphon

    Daiphon Semper Ubi Sub Ubi SDN Advisor 10+ Year Member

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    Unless is in quotes, as in the patient said it... then it's fair game. d=)

    Semper Brunneis Pallium
     
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  3. Nikj

    Nikj 2+ Year Member

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    It was actually a resident who put that in as a note lol
     
  4. JustPlainBill

    JustPlainBill Attending 7+ Year Member

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    And please watch how you document relationships --- you can cause an attending to spit a drink through their nose when you write,"patient has been in a long term (2 month) relationship with her Baby-Daddy and states..." --- nope, not kidding one iota...
     
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  5. Kilometers Davis

    Kilometers Davis

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    I just remembered another one:

    If someone gives you a ziploc bag of dried ghost peppers, don't try to show off your manliness by eating the entire contents of the bag in their presence. You will go to the hospital later that night with severe stomach pain.

    This was related to me by a friend who I get hot peppers from to make hot sauce. He had given some peppers to someone else we both know (which doesn't surprise me he'd eat the whole bag of peppers) and told me that's what happened and warned me to never try to do the same. I assured him that although I enjoy making extremely potent hot sauce with them, I never use more than a few drops of it on my food. I'm well aware that ghost peppers are way up there on the "OH MY GOD MY MOUTH IS ON FIRE!!!" scale.

    Also, while we're on the subject of homemade hot sauce, never cut up hot peppers without wearing rubber gloves. The first time I ever made hot sauce I was using relatively mild jalapenos, but didn't have any rubber gloves and didn't think about using them. The pepper oil left my fingers with a warm sensation, and eventually after washing my hands dozens of times it finally went away. However, later that evening while getting intimate with my wife, she started to complain that it started to burn "down there" and we realized the oil was still on my fingers. Never again without rubber gloves, and even with rubber gloves never rub your eyes.
     
    Last edited: 10.25.16
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  6. Kittenmommy

    Kittenmommy Owned By Cats 7+ Year Member

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    How long was that pregnancy - just the two months?? :laugh:
     
  7. Kilometers Davis

    Kilometers Davis

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    Maybe he is the babydaddy but they weren't in a relationship until 2 months ago. You know, the classic love story.
     
  8. MadScience101

    MadScience101

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    Just came across this in the morning paper:

    If your BKA operation is postponed, feel free to self-amputate your diabetes-related gangrenous toe using a kitchen knife, scissors and a pair of heavy duty toenail clippers.

    - I think I'll lean towards the latter assessment: "lucky" - if he done such a good job of it, I don't see why he'd need to see multiple surgeons in the aftermath!

    Ps - credit where it's due, I wouldn't have the pain tolerance to self-amputate my toe unless it was trapped/life threatening/no help available through normal channels!
     
  9. wareagle726

    wareagle726

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    When you and your wife of 30 years are driving home from dinner and she says it's dangerous for you to keep your pistol in the center console it is a good idea to grab said .357, put the barrel under your chin, say "aww hell it aint even loaded", and pull the trigger. It is ONLY a good idea if, in fact, the pistol is not loaded. If so, the bullet will cause damage breaking your maxilla, blowing out your orbit, rupturing your globe, and exiting just south of your eyebrow. Also, make sure to do this to the side of your face which is home to your non-blind eye.
     
  10. BoardingDoc

    BoardingDoc Don't worry. I've got my towel. 5+ Year Member

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    Rule 1: all guns are loaded.
     
  11. wareagle726

    wareagle726

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  12. MSmentor018

    MSmentor018 Hooah! SDN Advisor 7+ Year Member

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    or if you can draw the cat emoji. then it's totally acceptable
     
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  13. netsuke

    netsuke

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  14. JustPlainBill

    JustPlainBill Attending 7+ Year Member

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    When checking to see if a nail gun is empty on a construction site when you are about to go to lunch, do not point the nail gun at your pubic region and pull the trigger. This can lead to having a nail embedded in your suprapubic region and down into your bladder. If you have done this, you can expect to be the man of the hour with EM attendings, residents, med students flocking into your room to look at your nether regions. This will also cause the Urology service (attendings, residents and anyone rotating through their service at that time) to run gleefully down to the ER after receiving the page regarding a "nail through the penis" to see if this is really true. Urology will quickly lose interest once it's determined that, no, the nail did not, in fact, penetrate the penis and missed all the vital structures. The med students will think it's cool and talk about you for a few days.
     
  15. BoardingDoc

    BoardingDoc Don't worry. I've got my towel. 5+ Year Member

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    That seems like a pretty misleading page to uro if the nail simply went through the suprapubic region and into the bladder.
     
  16. Apollyon

    Apollyon Screw the GST Lifetime Donor 10+ Year Member

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    Well, the bladder IS part of the tract. However, if it did say "through the penis", yeah, you're right.
     
  17. Spectre of Ockham

    Spectre of Ockham

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    #1 If you're a chronic drinker with an WBC is 12.000 discharge yourself AMA so you can get some drink then two days latter you can show up with pancreatitis and a WBC of 45.000 :eek:

    As a bonus go into SVT, a dash of V Fib and get intubated , the ER crew will love you.

    #2 When asked for previous conditions or surgeries say none. When I inspect you can discover a large surgical scar across the abdomen and ask you what type of surgery is it from act flabbergasted and say you don't remember. :bang:
     
  18. SalemK

    SalemK Team Proton 7+ Year Member

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    If you are an older lady with VERY droopy boobs and you don't wear a bra, please use caution when bending over a paper shredder.
     
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  19. SpartanWolverine

    SpartanWolverine 2+ Year Member

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    :eek:
     
  20. MadScience101

    MadScience101

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    If you are a third year chemistry student in the inorganic lab, reacting ammonium with a mixture of metal salts in the presence of a homogeneous catalyst, you should not ignore the technician who says "do not look in the end of that burette!"

    You should not ignore him the second time he says do not look in the end of that burette.

    The third time you ignore him, the burette will choose that moment to eject a hot, foaming, blue, toxic mixture of ammonia, ammonium, copper sulphate, and some other inorganic salts straight into your face.

    You will end up thrashing on the floor screaming as you try to get the ammonia-mixture out your nose and make a very interesting scene: you will admit later that you thought you were going to die.

    The technician, seeing you thrashing around on the floor, covered in "blue" and screaming will immediately drag you to the emergency shower while other technicians call an ambulance. They will strip you to your underwear and continue pouring water on you: they too will later admit that they thought you were going to die.

    The paramedics who arrive to find you unconscious, wrapped in towels on the floor, gasping for breath and occasionally coughing a frothy blood which keeps collecting in your oxygen mask, and a face that even Freddy Kruger would have called ugly: even they may later admit that they thought you were going to die. Okay, no they didn't, but they thought you were a mess.

    When you get to A&E (ER), have your nasal passages lavaged, and are about to get transferred, abruptly wake up and continue screaming/thrashing around because your face is sore and you can't breathe properly - you'd have thought the pulmonary oedema might have hinted that screaming is a bad idea - but nah, Shriek away good sir! Everybody here loves it!

    I was the chemist who got called down from the labs upstairs to advise on the blue stuff: my advice was to "wash it off" [with water] - they haven't called me down again.

    The moral of the story? Don't alkalise your face and respiratory tract - you won't like it.

    Ps - Just to clarify, I'm pretty sure it's not common practice to get lab technicians down to A&E for advice: I really don't know what they were wanting me to say! "You should wash it off?", "Don't rub it on your face?","Audition for the Blue Man Group?", "Hah! Looks like a Smurf!?". There really isn't much I can advise you on the matter! You're already doing the "get it out his nasal passage" part!
     
    Last edited: 11.11.16
  21. Doctor Bob

    Doctor Bob EM/CC 7+ Year Member

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    [​IMG]
     
  22. DoctorMedic

    DoctorMedic 7+ Year Member

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    When you have hx of cocaine abuse and come in for cp stating you got a "dinner plate" from a friend; make sure their friend didn't dump coke in there as the cops were following them only to be called later and asked "did you eat that dinner plate?".....smh they think we believe this stuff?
     
  23. DokterMom

    DokterMom 2+ Year Member

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    And remove your contact lenses and don your glasses *before* cutting the peppers. Your 'morning after' eyes will thank you.
     
  24. JustPlainBill

    JustPlainBill Attending 7+ Year Member

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    Not ER: The bilateral knee pain you've been experiencing that just won't resolve has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you ran a marathon 2 weeks ago, a half marathon 3 days ago and did "tempo work" for the last 2 days preparing for a marathon next month --- no, really, I don't need XRays and your insurance likely won't pay for an MRI of both of your knees since, given the negative PE I just did, it's likely an overuse injury and you need to chill on the couch for a while...really....yes, I'm really sure the orthopod will tell you the same thing...No, there's no specialist who will likely give you a different answer or order the MRI --- unless you want to pay for it.....I didn't think so....
     
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  25. librarygryffon

    librarygryffon

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    Long time lurker here. I'm not a medical student, never have been, never will be, but I worked for many years as a medical librarian, and before that as a unit clerk on several different units including a trauma unit. On one of the fairly rare quiet days several of our attendings were hanging out sharing stories including this one:

    Young male in his 20s is a patient on the trauma unit, and ends up needing his chest cracked. Amazingly he not only survives, but is conscious and extubated several days later.
    Attending (who has just finished explaining what was done and why to patient): Do you have any questions?
    Patient: When can I start having sex again?
    Attending (after picking his jaw off the floor, says first thing he can think of): If you feel up to it, go for it!

    The attending figured that if the kid was feeling well enough to even think of sex, only three days after a chest cracking, he was most likely going to make a full recovery. Which I understood the kid did.

    So if this is supposed to be in a lesson learned from a patient format, I suppose it would be Lesson: The patient who feels well enough to think about sex is more likely to survive whatever has put him in the hospital than the one who doesn't.
     
  26. Your User Name Here

    Your User Name Here

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    Today, I learned you can snort weed.

    Why you would choose to do this, on the other hand, is unanswerable.
     
  27. MadScience101

    MadScience101

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    "Whatever you were doing that ended in you igniting the hairs surrounding your anus is not good idea."

    Sage advice from the A&E Dept: what amazes me is the doctor apparently said this with an entirely straight face... (second hand account from a technician colleague who witnessed said patient and his... um... condition.

    Can anybody explain to me the fascination with the human anus? You'd think after we developed all this cool tech and medical advancements and started blasting people to the moon... that surely the human anus would have lost its exploratory appeal?
     
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  28. TooMuchResearch

    TooMuchResearch i'm goin' to Kathmandu... Lifetime Donor 7+ Year Member

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    It's a hole on the bottom of the body that you use every day but can't see without a mirror. It's easier to see the moon.
     
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  29. MadScience101

    MadScience101

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    But what about my other orifices? I use them every days as well and struggle to see all of them as well :p

    Somebody had better call the creator and submit a bug report ;)

    ##Bug description: Anal Obsession
    ##How to reproduce this bug: Leave somebody alone in a room with an insertable object
    ##Status: Awkward for all involved
    ##Notes: Been informed that candles are moderately x-ray opaque: further study required. Information suggests that I will not be volunteering for said study
     

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