After reading your first small paragraph, I had to skim the rest of your dialogue here. You're caught up in the small details and "analogies" and seem to have overlooked the other main points that is directed to you. Lets be honest, are you really debating a reasoning as to why your PA friend is not a princess to my perspective? Lets move on from this.
There is nothing perplexed about your situation. Simply "take retail BFE and build a savings account and/or hit some student loans" or "go to a boot camp program." Again, you didn't really prepare for a program residency and you're not willing to work short term gains for a long term goal. You also implied that you're not willing to leave your area and made the assumption that you wont be able to do what you want (or worse, it'd be hard and you're not willing to work for it). So, go to CS.
If age is an issue for you, then act now. I don't believe anyone blames you for switching, only for giving up before you ever started because you didn't have it your way.
Again, you made a few assumptions in your post that aren't really accurate. For example, you said that I'm not willing to leave my area, which is not the case; I actually hope to leave my area eventually and move to somewhere nicer.
Having said that, I would be willing to move to BFE for a job that is at least tolerable. What I can't get behind, however, is the thought of moving to BFE (an area I would prefer not to live in) for a job I would really despise. And for how long? I know you're convinced that I'd be able to leverage the BFE retail experience into an inpatient position somewhere, but even on the lists of hard-to-fill inpatient staffing jobs I've been receiving via email from CompHealth, there's a huge red blurb printed across the top of the page: "RETAIL EXPERIENCE IS NOT CONSIDERED."
So if the hospitals with these hard-to-fill inpatient positions in BFE aren't willing to consider retail experience, then which ones are? I'm honestly curious.
I could very well end up being wrong here, but I have the feeling that the handful of inpatient positions I'd be eligible for with BFE retail experience would be jobs of comparable desirability to the BFE retail positions - I.e., BFE inpatient jobs.
I guess one of the reasons I've developed an increasingly distasteful attitude towards pharmacy is recent months is not because you can't get the perfect unicorn job right out of school; rather it's because it's in a state of affairs (oversaturation, PBM reimbursement issues, chain focus on metrics, etc.) that has created the reality where the only job someone can get is the most undesirable one out there.
I'm not saying that I'm only willing to take a highly desirable clinical pharmacist position that involves rounding with doctors, having my own office, living/working in some hugely desirable metropolis, and getting union benefits on top of that... but at the same time, I just want something, anything other than what is largely considered to be the most undesirable job in pharmacy (at least according to a lot of pharmacists).
Before you say that my unwillingness to move to the middle of nowhere for a position that involves standing for 14 hrs/day, not taking any breaks, being berated by the public, and often staying 1-2 hours after closing to work for free is indicative of my princess mentality, just hear me out on one last thing.
If I had the princess mentality, I'd say that if I do switch to CS, then the only job I'd be willing to take is one with one of the big tech companies in a highly desirable large city. The point I'm making is that I'd be happy (and would expect) to take more of a middle-of-the-road position that doesn't allow me to live in the best city or have the most desirable CS job right out of the gate. At the same time, though, I also wouldn't want to move to rural SD/ND to take a CS job that involves working under miserable conditions for the most ill-reputed employer in the tech industry.
And I think that's where the crux of my argument lies: the CS job market is still healthy enough so as to allow even entry-level professionals to exercise at least SOME degree of preference over the job they take, whereas in pharmacy that's not only not the case anymore, but it's even gotten to the point that it's now considered to be a red flag for someone to express any preference at all (whether that's over practice setting, location, or any other factors).
BTW, I honestly believe the reason you willfully ignored by PA job switching analogy is because you don't want to consider anything that might poke holes in your blanket argument that it's considered a character flaw for ANY new grad in ANY profession to express a preference in what they take for their first job, but that's fine.