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Desperately need help on dating

Started by singlelifeforever
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lymphocyte said:
If things don't work out, can you hook a brother up? Thanks.
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Really wondering what's wrong with blue hair and a nose ring...

singlelifeforever said:
I created a new username just to ask this question, as I'm pretty embarrassed and desperate and really don't want anyone finding out about it, but I really need opinions on what to do.

I am a mid-30's male, 4th year surgical resident training at one of the top residency programs in the country, so I'd like to think of myself as fairly successfully for getting into the program in the first place. I'm getting to the age where I'd definitively want to start thinking about settling down, but I haven't been very successfully in that area at all. I have never been on a single date, never date anyone, and only had sex once.

I'm generally a sociable person, going out with the other residents in my class as well as in med school, but I just don't talk as much as other people. I mean I do contribute to conversations and people think I'm funny, but I like to listen more than I talk. I'm also extremely unattractive, as I have been told by several of my close female friends. I get along with people great, but, in the exact words of someone I had a crush on: "I just wish you were more attractive". I was out with another close female friend once and she asked if people thought we were dating and that I was extremely rich because of how different we looked. Another time this one girl I was hanging out with randomly blurted out several times to waiters, etc that although we were having dinner together, we're not dating. I have tons more of these stories. And the only connections I get on dating apps like Tinder, OkCupid, or Match have all been robots.

I love being in the OR and I should be paid pretty handsomely once I become an attending, but I always feel like there should be more to life than the hospital. I want to come home to someone, I want to go on vacations with someone, and I want to share my life with someone. It's extremely depressing watching my fellow residents and friends from med school have random hookups, date, or marry. And although I love my job, I've been really depressed lately regarding this issue and I honestly do not know how to be happy with such a significant part missing from my life.
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Dude, just read the whole post. You've gotten good advice on here already. One thing I need to say is that it sounds like you are hanging out with some terrible girl "friends". The experiences you talk about sound like you are dealing with a lot of self-centered, superficial girls.

Also, a lot of guys being unattractive is based on things that are actually modifiable. If you're overweight, you can work out. If you lack confidence, you can develop some, which instantly makes women more attracted to you. If you don't dress well (fitted, neat, etc.), don't groom yourself well (good haircut, some accessories, basic facial hair grooming), etc. you can fix each of these, you just need someone you trust to help you with it. That said, I don't know if I would trust any of the girls that you described in this post.
 
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mercaptovizadeh said:
Agreed, thank you. Part of the reason why I would never consider a nurse for a wife, only a fellow doctor/pharmacist or someone outside of medicine.
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I have other reasons that I don't think a nurse or PA works.

We all agree that you gotta lower your standards raise your esteem and just get out there. At the same time, you have to be able to truly assess your own capacity for having casual sex and drawing boundaries. Sex is like people glue for both sexes.

If you are confident you can just hit it and quit it, then you can take more dating risks and have more casual sex.

If you're not confident that if once you get the taste of that crazy sweet kitty that you can walk away easy when it goes all wrong on you, then you need to be more careful.

I've seen lives ruined over this.
 
Crayola227 said:
I have other reasons that I don't think a nurse or PA works.

We all agree that you gotta lower your standards raise your esteem and just get out there. At the same time, you have to be able to truly assess your own capacity for having casual sex and drawing boundaries. Sex is like people glue for both sexes.

If you are confident you can just hit it and quit it, then you can take more dating risks and have more casual sex.

If you're not confident that if once you get the taste of that crazy sweet kitty that you can walk away easy when it goes all wrong on you, then you need to be more careful.

I've seen lives ruined over this.
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This is extremely good life advice. I've seen it ruin many people: non-doctors, pre-medicals, medical students, and even one very miserable attending. OP, sometimes it's much harder to get out than to get in. Tread cautiously, especially if you're inexperienced and especially if you're lonely. Does that mean close yourself off to possibility? No. But recognise that even a mature surgery resident like yourself can still be emotionally vulnerable if sex is a possibility. That would be true for anybody in your shoes. Perhaps prioritise dating emotionally healthy people before anyone else--even if the physical attraction isn't quite there. We model ourselves after the people we spend the most time with. Maybe then go charging off into Tinder right-swiping oblivion (which is totally fine, but can totally backfire--for emotional reasons).
 
lymphocyte said:
This is extremely good life advice. I've seen it ruin many people: non-doctors, pre-medicals, medical students, and even one very miserable attending. OP, sometimes it's much harder to get out than to get in. Tread cautiously, especially if you're inexperienced and especially if you're lonely. Does that mean close yourself off to possibility? No. But recognise that even a mature surgery resident like yourself can still be emotionally vulnerable if sex is a possibility. That would be true for anybody in your shoes. Perhaps prioritise dating emotionally healthy people before anyone else--even if the physical attraction isn't quite there. We model ourselves after the people we spend the most time with. Maybe then go charging off into Tinder right-swiping oblivion (which is totally fine, but can totally backfire--for emotional reasons).
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Agree completely with the above and yet, we all know how easy it is to take this kind of good advice. Not.

Make mistakes. Just learn from them. That's all. Don't make mistakes with people that you have legal obligations to (e.g. anyone you are supervising).

What's life without crazy/stupid affairs?
 
mpdoc2 said:
Just don't father a kid and don't be married for longer than 10 years (alimony)
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1. That's not how alimony works in all States.

2. The condom broke. Don't worry, keep going. Or, the condom mysteriously had holes to begin with. Or, I swear I'm on the pill. One or all of the above was the story of my miserable attending.

The world is full of broken, dismal, opportunistic people. Not the majority. But still. It's always prudent to ask (maybe not out loud), "Why are you still single"? Delaying relationships to finish surgical residency is one thing. A long line of dysfunctional relationships is another...

And of course, people grow, **** happens, etc. But all I'm saying is tread cautiously when you're vulnerable.
 
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lymphocyte said:
1. That's not how alimony works in all States.

2. The condom broke. Don't worry, keep going. Or, the condom mysteriously had holes to begin with. Or, I swear I'm on the pill. One or all of the above was the story of my miserable attending.

The world is full of broken, miserable, opportunistic people. Not the majority. But still. It's always prudent to ask (maybe not out loud), "Why are you still single"? Delaying relationships to finish surgical residency is one thing. A long line of dysfunctional relationships is another...

And of course, people grow, **** happens, etc. But all I'm saying is tread cautiously when you're vulnerable.
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Double glove? I jest btw. I think its insane to have sex with someone you're not ok with having a kid with because we all know sh.it happens. It's also insane to have a kid with someone who you've known for less than a couple of years.

The OP just needs to finish residency and get out more and as others have said its far better to be single than to be in a bad relationship or paying alimony and child-support to someone you hate. I've seen it happen and its just depressing.

Lots of women out there who have no problem taking advantage of someone like the OP.
 
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Crayola227 said:
If you are confident you can just hit it and quit it, then you can take more dating risks and have more casual sex.

If you're not confident that if once you get the taste of that crazy sweet kitty that you can walk away easy when it goes all wrong on you, then you need to be more careful.
Click to expand...

Haha I just fell in love. You're probably wicked hot too. Ok back to writing clinic notes.
 
Promethean said:
Don't **** where you eat is generally good advice, but talking with nurses about your availability isn't a bad idea. As long as you don't come across as creepy/stalkerish. Just mention that you are having trouble finding dates because of how much time you have to spend at work and that you wish that there was a good way to meet people who understood what a surgical resident's schedule is like.... then drop it. If they want to keep talking about the subject, fine, you can continue the conversation. Just don't bring it up repeatedly to the same person/group of people over and over. Once should do the trick.

People like to play matchmaker. If they know someone that would be good to introduce you to, they will volunteer that if you make it clear that it would be welcomed. If they don't show interest in doing that, then they probably just don't know someone who would be a good match.
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Just to add my lawyer two cents -- It's sometimes a very fine line between floating the idea that you are available to female coworkers and sexual harassment. If a guy is attractive to these coworkers this passes as flirtatious and flattering conversation, but if the guy isn't, this all too often tends quickly make people consider it unsolicited and uncomfortable. (Guys who look like Brad Pitt rarely get sued for workplace sexual harassment, guys who look more like Danny Devito aren't so lucky). I'd say OP doesn't have sufficient looks or "game" to pull this off safely so he really shouldn't try this at work.

As for the dating advice, he just needs to get good clothes, haircut and focus in on the same level of attractiveness he himself is. I promise you there's someone with a few extra pounds, bad skin, need for a nose-job and prior bad life choices, who would be cool ending up with an ugly Doctor.
 
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Law2Doc said:
As for the dating advice, he just needs to get good clothes, haircut and focus in on the same level of attractiveness he himself is. I promise you there's someone with a few extra pounds, bad skin, need for a nose-job and prior bad life choices, who would be cool ending up with an ugly Doctor.
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Hm few extra pounds check, bad skin check, fat nose check, prior bad life choices check

I think I'm in love with op
 
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Gastrapathy said:
He's not going to get sued for telling a couple of the mother hens that he wants to be set up if they know anyone...
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He might, actually. He doesn't have to be asking them out specifically for them to feel uncomfortable at their workplace, and HR is not going to think this was an appropriate workplace topic of conversation - they aren't allowed to shrug this kind of stuff off if someone complains. While these kinds of discussions of course happen all the time, lawyers would advise you to avoid them as it's extremely hazardous terrain, and totally not worth the risks. I've seen more than a few innocuous discussions like this blow up like you cannot imagine. Use non-work or online options to be set up. Topics like dating really aren't defensible in the workplace, however innocent they seem.
 
I agree with L2D

Don't bring it up unless broached about your dating life or marital status, then casually throw it in there. Sounds like nobody really brings up anything related to relationships, dating, married status to him so if he brings it up it may be considered unwarranted. He's ugly too, apparently.
 
I don't agree. I think there's a way to broach it totally innocently.

I would start by asking about pets and showing some pet pictures. OP, I recommend cats as the ideal medical profession companion, because they're good for cuddles and can spend days alone, however, in your case you may need an awesome dog to help you get chicks. Seriously! Dudes tell me this works. Anyway, if your parents have a beloved labradoodle or whatever you can talk about that.

I find when the totally innocent topic of pets comes up, it frequently turns to whether or not you live alone or are single. You don't even have to try.

I think you can also ask if people have any family in the area, another non-sexual thing, and people will ask you and that's when you can say that you're single.

Point is, you can bring stuff up that's 100% not going to be sexual harassment, and the fact you're single could pop out. You can say you're single and hoping to network with people outside work but it's hard. Boom, you just said you're not trying to bang bitches in the hospital!! Now sit back and see if the rumor mill and the matchmaking instinct will get it done. All without getting your hands dirty.

I find that hard to think you're going to get in trouble with the above tactics, but it depends on how smooth you are, which might be an issue.
 
Crayola227 said:
I don't agree. I think there's a way to broach it totally innocently.

I would start by asking about pets and showing some pet pictures. OP, I recommend cats as the ideal medical profession companion, because they're good for cuddles and can spend days alone, however, in your case you may need an awesome dog to help you get chicks. Seriously! Dudes tell me this works. Anyway, if your parents have a beloved labradoodle or whatever you can talk about that.

I find when the totally innocent topic of pets comes up, it frequently turns to whether or not you live alone or are single. You don't even have to try.

I think you can also ask if people have any family in the area, another non-sexual thing, and people will ask you and that's when you can say that you're single.

Point is, you can bring stuff up that's 100% not going to be sexual harassment, and the fact you're single could pop out. You can say you're single and hoping to network with people outside work but it's hard. Boom, you just said you're not trying to bang bitches in the hospital!! Now sit back and see if the rumor mill and the matchmaking instinct will get it done. All without getting your hands dirty.

I find that hard to think you're going to get in trouble with the above tactics, but it depends on how smooth you are, which might be an issue.
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While it's not inconceivable that one of these topics of conversation could lead to someone asking your single status, in most cases no one is going to ask. If you try to put it out there on your own, it's going to sound forced, maybe make people uncomfortable when coming from an ugly guy. Will sound like a creeper.
 
Law2Doc said:
While it's not inconceivable that one of these topics of conversation could lead to someone asking your single status, in most cases no one is going to ask. If you try to put it out there on your own, it's going to sound forced, maybe make people uncomfortable when coming from an ugly guy. Will sound like a creeper.
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I'm gonna have to agree here... a guy so ugly that--as he writes--women go out of their way to tell others they're not dating him probably shouldn't be whipping out the cat photos and telling nurses that he's single, and "Oh, do you live alone"? I can imagine that going less than awesomely.

Don't force jack OP. Loneliness begins and ends with you. Maybe start with something truly radical: therapy. Talking through these issues might give you a better perspective on a reality that's clearly been distorted by the cruel words of others. And speaking of cruel, yes, I realised I called you ugly. I'm sorry. But I think that's what you think you are--it might not be the case at all, or, for the right woman, it might not even matter in the way that you think it does.
 
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Law2Doc said:
Just to add my lawyer two cents -- It's sometimes a very fine line between floating the idea that you are available to female coworkers and sexual harassment. If a guy is attractive to these coworkers this passes as flirtatious and flattering conversation, but if the guy isn't, this all too often tends quickly make people consider it unsolicited and uncomfortable. (Guys who look like Brad Pitt rarely get sued for workplace sexual harassment, guys who look more like Danny Devito aren't so lucky). I'd say OP doesn't have sufficient looks or "game" to pull this off safely so he really shouldn't try this at work.

As for the dating advice, he just needs to get good clothes, haircut and focus in on the same level of attractiveness he himself is. I promise you there's someone with a few extra pounds, bad skin, need for a nose-job and prior bad life choices, who would be cool ending up with an ugly Doctor.
Click to expand...

 
Crayola227 said:
I don't agree. I think there's a way to broach it totally innocently.

I would start by asking about pets and showing some pet pictures. OP, I recommend cats as the ideal medical profession companion, because they're good for cuddles and can spend days alone, however, in your case you may need an awesome dog to help you get chicks. Seriously! Dudes tell me this works. Anyway, if your parents have a beloved labradoodle or whatever you can talk about that.

I find when the totally innocent topic of pets comes up, it frequently turns to whether or not you live alone or are single. You don't even have to try.

I think you can also ask if people have any family in the area, another non-sexual thing, and people will ask you and that's when you can say that you're single.

Point is, you can bring stuff up that's 100% not going to be sexual harassment, and the fact you're single could pop out. You can say you're single and hoping to network with people outside work but it's hard. Boom, you just said you're not trying to bang bitches in the hospital!! Now sit back and see if the rumor mill and the matchmaking instinct will get it done. All without getting your hands dirty.

I find that hard to think you're going to get in trouble with the above tactics, but it depends on how smooth you are, which might be an issue.
Click to expand...

That only works if you're decently attractive, charismatic, and in good with the nurses - the OP is apparently none of the above.

I don't have pets and I never have to broach the topic about pets. There's nurses that probably may not ever consider me and there's nurses that go out of their way to talk to me. I keep it as strictly business as possible and yes that actually nets me numbers but I'm not interested in nurses.
 
Tinder and Bumble have lately netted me good success. Finally, no MILFs...

1. 46 yo rich lady with no kiddos - I always wanted a sugar mamma
2. 30 yo pharmacist
3. 31 yo veterinarian
4. 29 yo occupational therapist
5. 30 yo who works for some cosmetic company
6. 30 yo NP
 
Doctor4Life1769 said:
Tinder and Bumble have lately netted me good success. Finally, no MILFs...

1. 46 yo rich lady with no kiddos - I always wanted a sugar mamma
2. 30 yo pharmacist
3. 31 yo veterinarian
4. 29 yo occupational therapist
5. 30 yo who works for some cosmetic company
6. 30 yo NP
Click to expand...

I didn't know that many people in their 30s were into Tinder.
 
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Doctor4Life1769 said:
It's great.
You do nothing but swipe R/L and if a girl likes you then she must initiate
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any way for girls to check or filter for height??

that's been my main issue with Tinder
POF you can look to see their height, but can't filter based on it

OKC is better for this, but it seems like that pool is drying up, although it's probably the most "serious" of the apps
probably drying up because bitches can filter for height

of course, then dudes just lie and then think you won't notice at the first date (we can and we will)

worst blind date of my life, is tied between the guy who I had to bend over to hug like a child (I'm not *that* tall)
and another story the next week where the guy puked 5 min into the date and then immediately tried to kiss me
he ended up punching 3 holes in the wall of his friend's place (the short one!!), and stabbed himself in the leg with a kitchen knife 2x in reaction to his friend informing him that my opinion of the date for that night was, "not tonight" (I was trying to let him down easy... you can see why)
he was a totally normal seeming guy that worked at my college

anyway, don't lie about your height, nothing good can come from it

sorry OP, it's a rough scene for short guys

just go to the bar, you'll be able to scope out which chicks are your size
 
It also depends on where you are in training. My current wife of 2 years is a girl I asked out in residency, come to think of it it was pretty gutsy because she said no the first couple of times I asked 😛 . It's ok to ask girls out (non-creepily as a resident or medstudent) I definitely wouldn't ask out a girl that's below an attending level as an Attending if I was single and looking.
 
Psai said:
I'd prefer to think that I'm not the one at fault here, thanks.
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Psai, if there's ever a sexual harassment case, I *know* it will be you!

in other tales, my first rotation the first shift I had with this one senior, he hit on me, I'm not sure I handled it well, and from that point forward he made a point to pimp me and make me look like an idiot in front of everyone including the PD

AWESOME! getting hit on by coworkers rocks!
 
Crayola227 said:
Psai, if there's ever a sexual harassment case, I *know* it will be you!

in other tales, my first rotation the first shift I had with this one senior, he hit on me, I'm not sure I handled it well, and from that point forward he made a point to pimp me and make me look like an idiot in front of everyone including the PD

AWESOME! getting hit on by coworkers rocks!
Click to expand...

Should've gone all Grey's Anatomy on him.
 
God so many responses. To be honest is hard on everyone. Im a girl, fairly attractive. Nowadays people lost their way on how to make a connection and as Ive seen a lot of residents are already married. And those who aren't are just about the hooking up life. So yea dating sucks!

Sent from my SM-N920V using SDN mobile
 
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Auvelity said:
God so many responses. To be honest is hard on everyone. Im a girl, fairly attractive. Nowadays people lost their way on how to make a connection and as Ive seen a lot of residents are already married. And those who aren't are just about the hooking up life. So yea dating sucks!

Sent from my SM-N920V using SDN mobile
Click to expand...

Hopefully you don't look like avatar you've selected for yourself.
 
Crayola227 said:
Psai, if there's ever a sexual harassment case, I *know* it will be you!

in other tales, my first rotation the first shift I had with this one senior, he hit on me, I'm not sure I handled it well, and from that point forward he made a point to pimp me and make me look like an idiot in front of everyone including the PD

AWESOME! getting hit on by coworkers rocks!
Click to expand...

#GoodLookingPeopleMatter
 
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