Funniest Chief Complaints

Discussion in 'Clinical Rotations' started by Dr JPH, May 13, 2007.

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  1. plainolerichie

    plainolerichie Senior Member 5+ Year Member

    May 3, 2006
    Psych patient in ER came with the CC of "craving chocolate."
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  3. kdburton

    kdburton Ulnar Deviant 5+ Year Member

    Sep 3, 2005
    Two funny ones (the first one is not a CC though)

    1. patient's chart in the ER says that they are allergic to: "elephants"
    2. psych patient's CC was that she swallowed a marker because she was frustrated with coffee filters
  4. keepsmiling10

    keepsmiling10 2+ Year Member

    Jul 11, 2008
    My favorite was when I was on Peds ER and the mom stopped me to ask if I was also trained in adult medicine...which ended up being b/c she realized she left the plastic applicator of her tampon in all day and was now freaking out because she was worried she would "die" (verbatim)
  5. Delo_Ohm

    Delo_Ohm 10+ Year Member

    Feb 7, 2006
    I can only assume she gave you air quotes with her fingers as she said adult ??
  6. Depakote

    Depakote Pediatric Anesthesiologist Moderator Emeritus Lifetime Donor 10+ Year Member

    Nov 2, 2004
    Rocket Scientist
    hSDN Member
    hSDN Alumni
    Cc: "my butt hurts"

    pt admitted for I&D of MRSA positive decubitous ulcer/abscess.
  7. Amxcvbcv

    Amxcvbcv Radiologist 7+ Year Member

    Not a chief complaint, but I rounded on a patient this AM on general medicine that was demanding I bring her bottled water.

    Just because you're 82 and address me as "dear" with poorly hidden contempt does not mean you get bottled water brought in by your doctor.
  8. PenguinHead

    PenguinHead 5+ Year Member

    Nov 16, 2006
    cc: gsw foot

    HPI: 50 yo M went to pcp for reg sched apt. Pcp told pt that his foot tingling and numbness were due to his poor diabetes control. Pt became angry, left, stopped for a couple of beers, went home, pulled out his 20 gauge shotgun with 7 1/2 shot and blew a hole in his foot because "it was hurting"

    PE: 7cm gsw to dorsum of foot, 9cm exit wound
    Dorsalis pedis visible, intact. wad not visualized.

    -pain control
    - I&D tonight
    -likely amputation next week
    -psych consult
    - restrain wife, as she is really, really pssed right now
  9. MDSchoolSequela

    MDSchoolSequela Rotten Intern

    Jul 30, 2009
    CC: "Are you a surgeon? I need a surgeon."
    me: why do you need a surgeon?
    pt: my arm fell off
    me: your arm looks okay to me
    pt: nope, that's not my arm my arm fell off

    psych pt of course
    frosted_flake likes this.
  10. Buckeye(OH)

    Buckeye(OH) 5K+ Member 10+ Year Member

    Mar 28, 2004
    Toledo, Ohio
    CC: R knee pain
    PSHx: R knee arthroscopy POD#5
  11. Amxcvbcv

    Amxcvbcv Radiologist 7+ Year Member

    How can you argue with that logic?
  12. Poliscidoc

    Poliscidoc 7+ Year Member

    Jul 28, 2009
    I just love reading this stuff.. Bump needed
  13. Richspiders07

    Richspiders07 User - peruser 5+ Year Member

    Jul 23, 2006
    "the virgin mary keeps ringing my doorbell"
  14. smq123

    smq123 Roy Lichtenstein SDN Advisor SDN Administrator 10+ Year Member

    Jan 9, 2006
    reason for visit: "I need a doctor's note stating that I am sane."
  15. sunnybono


    Feb 14, 2007
    on ROS-

    Pt: "Whenever I touch a shopping cart i get shocked"

    Me: "that is nothing to worry about"

    Pt: "yea but when i call other people over to touch the shopping cart they don't get shocked, it only happens to me"
  16. spicedmanna

    spicedmanna Moderator Emeritus 7+ Year Member

    CC: "My coochie hurts"
  17. spicedmanna

    spicedmanna Moderator Emeritus 7+ Year Member

    Allergies: Coumadin, "makes me turn purple."
  18. TMP-SMX

    TMP-SMX Senior Member Moderator Emeritus 10+ Year Member

    Jun 12, 2006
    CC in OB/GYN clinic: "I'm bad at sex"

    Another patient secondary CC at same clinic: "Is it normal not to have an orgasm from oral sex?"
  19. rahulb

    rahulb nutritional facelift 2+ Year Member

    Mar 17, 2007
    schizo patient in ER
    CC: i hurt my back bench pressing my car.

    my advice: stop bench pressing your car :thumbup:
  20. EM2BE

    EM2BE Elf 7+ Year Member

    My dog is poisoning me.

    Followed many other CCs, but this part of it just made it much more funny.
  21. Depakote

    Depakote Pediatric Anesthesiologist Moderator Emeritus Lifetime Donor 10+ Year Member

    Nov 2, 2004
    Rocket Scientist
    hSDN Member
    hSDN Alumni
    CC: "My stomach feels floopy."

    peds can be fun.
  22. fleetgoddess

    fleetgoddess Member 7+ Year Member

    Apr 14, 2006
    Pediatric acute care clinic

    cc:"keeps turning right"

    I guess he's just not an ambiturner
  23. fleetgoddess

    fleetgoddess Member 7+ Year Member

    Apr 14, 2006

    Someone fell in water from a height on trauma and said they were allergic to water. Tough life I would guess. Miraculous they were still alive.
  24. Kittenmommy

    Kittenmommy Owned By Cats 10+ Year Member

    Feb 21, 2007
    Land of Confusion's 10 People With Unbelievable Medical Conditions. Check out #5, The Girl Who Is Allergic To Water. Warning: is the biggest timesink since, aka The Black Hole of The Internet. You have been warned!

    (Oh, and they also have The 10 Worst Prescription Side Effects!)
  25. fleetgoddess

    fleetgoddess Member 7+ Year Member

    Apr 14, 2006
    Ha I think I did read about that but its not really an allergy as there is no histamine release and is thought to be only due to nondistilled water. Can you imagine how expensive it would be to shower in distilled H2O. This lady was describing more of a problem with having drinking water which would actually be horrible lol.
  26. Kittenmommy

    Kittenmommy Owned By Cats 10+ Year Member

    Feb 21, 2007
    Land of Confusion
    That would be horrible. :eek:
  27. Depakote

    Depakote Pediatric Anesthesiologist Moderator Emeritus Lifetime Donor 10+ Year Member

    Nov 2, 2004
    Rocket Scientist
    hSDN Member
    hSDN Alumni
    CC: "I don't know why I'm here"
  28. RxnMan

    RxnMan Who, me? A doctor? Moderator Emeritus 7+ Year Member

    There's no pus like butt pus!

    In an urban FM practice:
    CC - Can you write me a script for children's vitamins? That way my insurance* will cover it.

    *she meant medicaid.
  29. ParamedicMan

    ParamedicMan 7+ Year Member

    Sep 19, 2007
    GSW resulting in finger amputation (5th digit) from cleaning his gun-at church (Pentecostal). Guess you gotta do snake control somehow.
  30. Red Beard

    Red Beard 7+ Year Member

    Apr 25, 2006
    :laugh: This one is AWESOME!!!! Its like a Quentin Tarantino movie, definitely my favorite of the thread. :thumbup:
  31. kluverbusy

    kluverbusy MS4 2+ Year Member

    Mar 24, 2009
    Dr & 3 other MS (2 females..this matters, just rd) in room w/ Px 58yo M

    Dr: (while walking out of room) "I'll be right back, gonna go look at the Ejection Fraction"
    Px: (looks at guys) "what he say about Ejaculation Fraction" (looks at girls) "ain't noooothing w/ my Ejaculation Fraction!"
  32. eternalrage

    eternalrage Even Kal has bad days... 10+ Year Member

    Jun 22, 2005
    Long Island, NY
    Had a guy come into FM clinic and say "my penis is retreating into my body."

    On pelvic exam, it looked exactly like he described.

    Attending figured that some pelvic surgery that the patient had long time ago resulted in fibrotic tissue that was pulling on this man's penis. Urology referral ftw.
  33. howelljolly

    howelljolly 7+ Year Member

    Aug 30, 2007
    Psychiatric culture bound syndrome:

    A man who suffers from koro, or genital retraction syndrome, is gripped by the fear that his penis is shrinking and gradually being absorbed by his body
  34. SalseraDoctora

    SalseraDoctora Senior Member 5+ Year Member

    Apr 13, 2006
    East Coast somewhere
    "Gentile warts."

    Alas, as the only Jew in the office, I was also the only one who thought this was funny.
  35. Aphasic

    Aphasic Senior Member

    Jan 28, 2010
    Pt: Doc, my lungs are gone.
    MS3: Well, where's the last place you had them?

    MS3: What brings you in today?
    Pt: Sometimes I get irritated, especially at work. You have no idea how stupid some customers' complaints can be.
    MS3: I can imagine...
    frosted_flake likes this.
  36. boaz

    boaz shanah alef 7+ Year Member

    Dec 31, 2007
    bachelor pad
  37. Random Anesthesiologist

    Random Anesthesiologist Random Anesthesiologist Gold Donor 7+ Year Member

    Mar 16, 2008
    But could he give you Blue Steel?
  38. cardiolipin

    cardiolipin Linearly Regressed

    Feb 6, 2010
    "Rash on penis with right wrist pain"
  39. Aphasic

    Aphasic Senior Member

    Jan 28, 2010
    CC: acute onset 5mmx5mm area of numbness over the right tip of the tongue, that went away ~3min later after the patient put a clove of garlic under her tongue. :p

    Dx: Thalamic infarct
  40. organdonor

    organdonor 7+ Year Member

    Jul 28, 2009
    CC: My poonanny smells like a zoo!!

    It sure did
  41. TinyFish

    TinyFish Member 5+ Year Member

    Dec 16, 2005
    Not nearly as funny as the stuff everyone else posted, but my favorite is always:

    CC: "I'm here 'cause my wife wouldn't stop nagging me 'till I came."

    Other cute ones:

    CC: "I'm here 'cause my doctor told me I had fibulations in my heart."
    CC: "It's your fault I'm here."
    CC: "Make me a sandwich."
    CC: "Give me 5 bucks and I'll tell ya."
    frosted_flake likes this.
  42. stankem

    stankem 5+ Year Member

    Jan 17, 2010
    CC: "Doc I need to tell you something [5 min homicidal rant involving everyone who has ever wronged him. Including me. I met him 5 min before this.]"
    frosted_flake likes this.
  43. Jamers

    Jamers Sexy Man 10+ Year Member

    Dec 6, 2005
    North Carolina
    35 year old woman in FP office

    cc: "I have a penis"

    After a pelvic exam an assurance that she did, in fact, have a vagina:

    "I want a second opinion."

    Can't please everyone.
    frosted_flake likes this.
  44. smiley737

    smiley737 nom nom nom 2+ Year Member

    Apr 21, 2009
    Los Angeles
    CC: seeing little green men

    CC: my stuffed puppy is alive and biting me everywhere

    CC: there's a string coming from the ceiling w/eyes on it

    Schizophrenia pt
    frosted_flake likes this.
  45. Dial71

    Dial71 2+ Year Member

    Jun 5, 2008
    During the height of snake season in south florida:

    CC: Cottonmouth Snack Bite

    I guess the clerk was hungry at the time.

    Another time, one of the ER's frequent flyers, who is a deaf-mute, presented the clerk a suicide note.

    CC: suicidal ideation

    He goes back immediately and the doc sees him in less than 5 m. At this time, he hands the ER physician a new note, which reads:

    Deer Doc,

    My name is _____ _____ and I want to go home. I have a job to go to and a wife at home who need me. Plese dont Backer act me tonite.


    He did not have time between triage and his exam to compose this second letter; I can only assume that he prepared both ahead of time. He leaves the ER with a final diagnosis of:

    Acute ED Craving; Resolved
  46. Jolie South

    Jolie South is invoking Domo. . . Moderator Emeritus 10+ Year Member

    At urology clinic, on a post-op prostate cancer follow-up:

    "I haven't had sex with my wife in 17 years"

    I don't why it suddenly became a pressing need.
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2010
  47. Tritleb

    Tritleb 5+ Year Member

    Jan 27, 2008
    CC: N/V x4 days

    HPI: 4 days ago I was having my hair done, the chemicals from the hair products went in my ears, down my throat and made me sick. I can still taste them.

    Me: Are you sure you're not smelling them on your hair?

    Pt: Don't condescend me boy.
  48. :laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:
  49. NerdyAndrea

    NerdyAndrea Pre-Med Student

    Feb 10, 2010
    At my school
    Massage for a psych pt in student clinic:

    Me: Hi ther Mr. X how are you?

    Pt: I'm not Mr. X I killed him a long time ago.

    Me: Okay no problem, what should I call you?

    Pt: If I tell you, I'll have to kill you and the grocery store manager. I used to work for the grocery store and they gave my money to God.

    Me: Ok. Can I see your Doctor's orders?

    Pt oulls them out I note that he has frozen shoulder syndrome and suffers from frequent Headaches, then takes his forms back as I am writing and doing PA, eats the paper.
  50. PathMD2010

    PathMD2010 2+ Year Member

    Sep 6, 2009
    CC: I am impregnated by aliens.

    During the hospital stay, pt (male) put himself in lithotomy position and proceeded to give birth to the aliens by defectating with such force that it hit the wall opposite the bed.
    frosted_flake likes this.
  51. VCU07

    VCU07 Member 10+ Year Member

    Feb 21, 2004
    True allergy "purple toe syndrome"

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